I often write about the importance of finding meaning in your grief.
You may well wonder how you do that, or even if it is necessary.
The first thing to note is that finding meaning is necessary and most people intuitively seek out that meaning. Sometimes finding that meaning is not easy or your intuition has not kicked in to prompt and guide you into this important step.
As to how you do it, the aim of this blog is to try to guide you into a place where you can seek meaning.
The Vital First Steps
A vital part of finding meaning in your grief is to acknowledge that your grief will never end. Yes it will most likely lessen in intensity over the years, but it will never end.
Another aspect of finding meaning is allowing yourself to be in this place where you have understood your grief will never end but you allow yourself to be fully open to the emotions you are experiencing. It is only then that you can start the exploration to find meaning in your grief.
Why Meaning?
Finding meaning in your grief will allow you to take your grief and transform it into something deeper, richer and more fulfilling. It will allow you to find more to this experience than just pain.
The loss of losing something is a terrible wound that often paralyses you. The way forward out of that place of paralysis is through finding meaning. Meaning gives you the power to find that path forward.
Finding meaning in your grief is also a way to make sense of what has happened.
People who can find meaning in their grief tend to have an easier time grieving than those who are unable to find meaning.
Those who cannot find meaning often find themselves stuck in their grief. They can turn to addictions to cope. They may become an angry person. They may isolate themselves from others because they fear losing others. They may become obsessed with what they have lost and lose their purpose and direction in life. They may become depressed. They may become bitter.
Meaning Empowers You After the Disempowerment of Loss
When something important is lost and you are grappling with grief the initial search for meaning can be sidetracked into finding someone responsible for what has happened. You can see this after a natural disaster when people try to blame some level of government for what has happened, when in reality the disaster is what happened and governments were as powerless as the victims to prevent what happened.
Assigning blame for a loss can make people feel some sense of power in a situation of total powerlessness. But this is counterproductive. In most cases there is no one to blame. And even if there is, focusing on blame blocks finding meaning in your grief.
So what is meaning?
People who have experienced loss and report finding meaning in the grief have reported their meaning as:
• Feeling grateful for the time they had with their loved one,
• Finding a way to commemorate and honour their loved one,
• Realising how brief life is and how valuable it is – this has led to them making a major change in life
• Realising they can’t help their own situation but can help others. For example, establishing a foundation to support those in similar situations.
• Finding a way to sustain their love for what was lost while moving forward with a life you now realise is precious.
• Learning new ways of living.Where Do I find Meaning?
Meaning can be found in many aspects of your loss.
• You may find it in the death of your loved one. You may find it in the loss you experience. You may find it in the event that led to your loss. You may find it in the life of the person you loved. Or you may find it in your own life.
• You may find it in an exploration of what life means to you.
• You may find it in the rituals you observe around your loss.
• You may find it in the connections you form after your loss.
• You may find it in gratitude for the gift of life and relationships.
• You may find it in the realisation that life matters and so do relationships and that making being with those you love is your highest priority.Finding Meaning is Not Easy
One grief expert, David Kessler, wrote about losing his 21 year old son to a drug overdose. He struggled with his grief. A friend and colleague Diane Gray told him “I know you’re drowning. You’ll keep sinking for a while, but there will come a point when you’ll hit bottom. Then you’ll have a decision to make. Do you stay there or push off and start to rise again?”
This is the important thing to remember. Meaning is not something you acquire within moments of your loss. It is not something that comes to you a day or so later. It is something you develop after a long time of acute grief at what you have lost.
Many people who come to see me have been in acute grief for a while and find themselves wanting to lift their heads out of the mire of grief just for a few moments. This is when they often decide that they don’t want what they lost to be meaningless. They don’t want their life or that of the person they lost to be meaningless. They want to live. They want to remember the good that they had before their loss. They want to move forward in life and learn how to live life, remember and feel the pain of loss.
A Guide to Your Search for Meaning
Here are some thoughts that may guide you in understanding meaning:
• Meaning is both relative and personal. There is no such thing as one size fits all. The meaning others find will not necessarily be the meaning you find.
• Meaning takes time. A lot of time. You may not find it until months or even years after your loss.
• Meaning doesn’t require understanding. You don’t have to understand why your loss happened in order to find meaning.
• Meaning is never greater than what you lost. What you gain in finding meaning will never be better than what you lost.
• Despite what you may be told, loss is not some sort of test. It is also not a gift or blessing. It is not a punishment either. Loss just is what happens in your life. You have no control over it. Meaning, however, you make happen. Meaning you have control over.
• Only you can find your own meaning.
• Meaningful connections will heal painful memories.
• Meaning will mature and develop as time goes by.Can I Help?
Sometimes moving forward in grief and finding meaning is hard to do. There are times when you may need help with finding meaning. This is where seeing a grief counsellor can help.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and finding meaning, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz