So many people come to see me because, in the wake of their grief, they can’t handle the swirl of emotions.
It is not just the emotions that they struggle with. It is the belief that there is something wrong with them for having those emotions.
It is heart breaking to see people feeling they can’t express their emotions. Either because someone tells them it is bad to do so, or because other people immediately seek to shut them down.
Like it or not, grieving involves a swinging from the emotions of protest at the death of the one you love and despair that they are not there anymore.
Things that Complicate Grief
Complicating grieving are the security of the relationship you had with the person, and any unresolved issues within that relationship.
By this I mean how secure your relationship felt. Did you feel safe and secure with this person? Or were you constantly battling to feel reassured of the security of the relationship? Were there hurts that you had never had a chance to resolve with that person? It will be hard to grieve for that person while those hurts remain unresolved.
Also relevant is anything that has happened in the past that impacts on the current grief.
Factors that Impact How You Cope With the Emotions Around Grief
A major factor in how you will cope with the emotions is your history of how you regulate emotions. If you find it hard to express your emotions then expressing those around grief are going to be difficult.
If you can’t express your emotions then it is impossible to be able to sit with those emotions, face them and work your way through them.
How Rituals Can Help
Rituals around death can also be helpful. What were you raised to do when someone died?
Some are taught to not show emotions, not talk about the death and feel intense shame if you cry.
Others are taught to cry as part of the ritual around the death of a loved one.
Then there are the rituals where the person is commemorated, maybe you will have “sorry business”, or you may light a candle every day for a prescribed number of days in honour of the person.
The above are just some of the ways rituals are used to mark a person’s death.
All, with the exception of the one where you suppress emotions, are very helpful to those who are grieving.
Learning to Manage the Overwhelming Emotions
When I see a grieving person I look for ways to manage the overwhelming emotions. Ways to process what has happened.
I never look for pathology. Although, if you come to see me and it has been 6 months since your loved one died I will ask you to fill in a questionnaire as an aid to measure your progress while seeing me.
Often all you need in your grief is a companion to walk beside you. Having that companion a grief trained counsellor is really helpful. I won’t pathologise your experience. I will help you to express what is so hard to express. I will ensure you realise how normal your reaction is.
Questions to Consider
As we walk together I will ask you to tell me about the one you lost. Tell me about your relationship. What about the history of their death? How did they die? Did you have to make a decision to turn off life support? Did they choose a medically assisted death? Was their death long and painful? Was their death peaceful?
What was the experience of their death like for you?
Were you present in the moment, or did you push your own feelings aside to support your dying loved one, or other family members.
It can be very easy to get stuck, unable to express your own feelings, when you are in a situation of supporting other people.
Were you isolated at the time of death and its aftermath? Being isolated is very traumatising.
Did you feel unsafe in the situation, with all your emotions swirling around and no one there to support you?
The Goal of Therapy
When you work with me the goal we work to is to help you see the strengths that have carried you this far.
Additionally, when you had to support others at the time, I give you the space and support to make that emotional contact with your own feelings so that you can support yourself now.
Together we can be curious and open to explore your experience and the places you are frightened of visiting. My aim is to help you make contact with yourself again. To give you the chance now you are out of survival mode to experience your feelings.
Visiting that experience will most likely involve a lot of reminiscence about your relationship with your loved one. Reminiscing about the things you did together and the events of the end of their life is also important. It allows you to experience the things you may have pushed aside to support others.
What about the present?
An important aspect of grieving is learning to live in the present.
The one you love still exists in your mind. That is something that needs to be explored. How do they exist to you? In what ways do you still rely on them? Do you have a sense of their presence? Do you imagine they help you when you feel lost and not sure how to proceed?
All this is known as continuing bonds. This is an important part of grief. Forming these bonds is how you form the new relationship with your loved one.
“I have a new life. Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship, which struggles on in the survivor’s mind toward some final resolution, some clear meaning, which it perhaps never finds.” ~ Robert Anderson
Grief is not something you ever “get over”. It lasts for the rest of your life. It just gets easier over time to think about the person. You learn to forge a new relationship that is based on them being dead.
That Can Impact How You Grieve
There are many things that impact on how you grieve.
Grief you have experienced in the past, and the way it was managed, has a deep impact on how you are grieving now.
Trauma in your past will also impact on how you perceive grief and how you are able to regulate your emotions and access support.
Having previously learned to suppress your emotions will make it hard for your to experience them now.
One thing I like to do is to take your back to those final moments for you to experience the feelings you had then. It is helpful for you to experience those feelings in a more receptive way. At the time you would have been barely surviving. Now you are better able to be aware of the experience.
Working on that Moment
Sitting with what you were feeling at those crucial moments in the death of your loved one allows you to experience emotions you had to suppress in order to get through these moments.
Many people will realise they felt great sadness, anger, sadness and longing.
One man told me that at the moment in his life when he was in the worst situation he had ever been in, losing the one he loved, the person he could count on to support him wasn’t there because they were dying.
The person is dying or dead and you don’t want to let them go.
Learning to accept the pain
In time most people are able to live with the horror of their grief. They can learn to accept the pain rather than avoid it. They give themselves permission to cry and not try to hide what they are feeling.
Most people learn to continue a relationship with the one who has died. They may still have conversations with them. Some even write a journal for their loved one of all the things they want to tell them.
It becomes possible to be reminded of the one you lost. You no longer avoid the places that strongly remind you of them. You can remember the good and bad times.
Most importantly, you can accept that you are a different person now. And being that different person is not bad. It is okay.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz