Do you feel guilty because you are not thinking of your loved one enough?
Do you worry that you mustn’t have loved them enough because there are moments when you don’t think of them and actually feel momentarily happy?
Do you think you should have done more to keep them alive?
MY QUESTIONS TO YOU
If you think it is ridiculous to feel that way that is fantastic.
But if you find yourself feeling that way I acknowledge how hard that is.
And I am asking you some questions.
I am not asking as throw away lines to suggest you should have a different belief. I am asking them because I am genuinely curious to know your thoughts.
Is it okay to never be happy again?
Is it okay to only ever think of your loved one?
Is it okay to live while they have died?
SO MANY PEOPLE FEEL THIS WAY
It is not uncommon to feel this way when your loved one dies.
It feels profane to be enjoying life when someone you loved so much is not able to be alive at all.
At first, your thoughts may frequently turn to the pain of your loved one’s absence in your life.
Any thoughts of happiness are unlikely to invade that pain. But what if they do?
Are you okay laughing at something you probably laughed at before your loved one died? Something you may have laughed at together?
IS PAIN AND HAPPINESS AT THE SAME TIME POSSIBLE?
Can you feel the pain at the same time as you feel happiness?
Researchers have found that people can and do find a way to feel happy again. That they can actually think about other things and just think of their loved one occasionally. That they can be okay living.
But researchers have also found that the happiness exists alongside the sorrow of the person’s loss. The bitter sweet and sometimes downright devastating feelings can exist alongside happiness and joy.
ARE YOU SICK OF BEING SAD AND CRYING?
Many people come to see me because they are sick of feeling sad and crying. They loved their loved one and still miss them terribly, even years later. But they are just sick of the darkness of their grief and they long for the sun.
Maybe you feel that way too?
Maybe you just want to be happy again.
REALITY
I will tell you what I tell others. Yes, it is possible to be happy again and yes you will not always cry this much. But you will always feel sad over the loss of your loved one and you will still cry on occasion.
Sorrow will always be with you. Sorrow at the absence of someone you loved so much from your life. Sorrow at the future they (and you) lost. Sorrow at all the things you will experience without them. Sorrow at the things you planned to do together that you will never do again. Sorrow at the people you no longer have contact with because your loved one was the link to them. Sorrow at so many losses associated with your loved one’s absence.
THE PAIN WILL NEVER COMPLETELY HEAL
Yes, the pain will abate over time, but it will never completely go. It is like that limp you have from a broken ankle that never completely healed. There will always be that reminder of what you had and lost.
And if you loved that person so much, do you really want the pain to completely go away? Do you really want to forget them?
IS LIFE WITH THAT PAIN POSSIBLE?
Can you live if the pain is always there?
People tell me they can live with that pain.
It is not pleasant, but they have found ways to feel it in a safer way.
They have learned to feel the bitter sweet memories of their loved one. And they have learned that sometimes it is okay to be sad, or cry.
They have also learned that it is possible to carry the pain while living and being happy.
Knowing they can do that has actually helped. It has helped to find a way to commemorate their loved one, but still live.
THE EXPANDING OF LIFE INTO A DEEPER RICHNESS
They have found that life has greater depth now. That life is richer and fuller for the added dimension of sorrow that, rather than make everything sad and depressing, actually enhances the happy moments, makes them more special and have deeper meaning. That they take the happy moments more attentively and with more gratitude because they have suffered the pain of loss and appreciate the happy moments that come.
But all this takes time, and determination.
CAN I HELP YOU?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz