“I am sick of feeling sad all the time.
Can you wave your magic counsellor wand and make me feel better?”
Okay – the first sentence is one that is commonly spoken to me by people who are struggling to “move on” from their grief.
When they say move on, they are not referring to some rule that says they must get better but an expectation others may have placed on them or their own expectation.
Some people are just sick of feeling this way and want to move on.
The second part of that statement isn’t ever spoken but I frequently get the impression that is what is wanted.
And who wouldn’t.
On my grief journeys I have certainly wanted some kind fairy godmother to come along and wave her magic wand so that I can get back into my life.
Can you relate to this?
NEVER GOING BACK TO HOW IT WAS
I speak often of the fact that there is never any going back. Our lives are one way. We can never go back.
Every step in life is a step forward that has no return.
Every step in life involves you changing to match that step.
It is just that in the normal course of life you don’t notice how you have changed.
Most people find that they look back nostalgically on past times and wish they were back there. But that can never happen.
Once someone you love dies, your life changes more obviously than at other times. No matter how much you want to go back you never can.
REALITY EVEN IF YOU DON’T WANT IT IS STILL THERE
Life has changed and so have you.
The reality is that you will keep living.
The reality is that you will learn to live with the life you have.
The reality is that the life you have will not be the life you had before your loved one died.
No matter what, you will get through this dark time in your life.
You may not want to, but you will.
MAKING A CHOICE … IN TIME
How well you move through this time into the rest of your life will depend on your choice to survive and get through this time.
Are you willing to do that?
I am not saying that the minute your loved one dies. Those moments when you feel numb and the world seems so unreal and foreign. Those days when you can’t seem to stop crying. Are the time you make that decision to get through it.
In the immediate aftermath of bereavement your brain and body are dealing with the enormity of your loss.
Give them time.
Later. When the numbness and pain have started to subside and you feel you might be able to get up, notice a pretty flower, talk to a friend you may find yourself willing to make that decision.
It will probably take months, and months.
ONE PERSON’S EXPERIENCE USING GRATITUDE
Sandy* came to see me after her father died.
His loss was devastating, and she missed him desperately.
She loved writing and I encouraged her to journal her feelings.
One day, about 6 months after her father died, she was journalling and found herself overwhelmed with sadness at her father’s death.
Sandy had practised gratitude for years. At that moment her gratitude habit kicked in and she found herself writing down all the things she was grateful for.
After that she wrote about all the things in her life with her father she was grateful for.
After this exercise she found herself focusing on the happy memories instead of the great loss she had suffered.
She made a conscious decision to remember her father in happy moments in life, not as he died at the end.
Every time she thought of her mother she chose to remember the happy moments.
She practised this so much that she found she automatically remembered the happy moments whenever she thought of her father.
Those happy memories helped her to see the wonderful things about her mother’s life.
She continued to acknowledge her sadness but also to list things about her father that she was grateful for.
Over time she found that instead of focusing on what she had lost, she was able to focus on what she had with her father and to realise her father would always live on in her memories.
She was able to let go of the regrets at the things her father would miss and instead focus on the things her father had.
She reported being so aware of her father always being with her through her memories.
It is possible to come to a place where you can focus on what you had instead of what you lost. Where you can remember the happy times and those memories can become the default ones.
With a decision to change your focus and a generous allowance of time to grieve, it is possible to move into a time of feeling less sad and focus instead on the happy memories.
It is possible, but give yourself time to grieve first.
Sometimes you need help from a qualified and more objective counsellor. If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
*please note than whenever I mention someone in my blogs I never use real names and change the circumstances to de-identify the person who has generously given permission for me to use their story in my blog.