PLC Blog – Page 10 – Plentiful Life Counselling Blog

Embracing Discomfort Can Help You Grow

I am sure you have been in this type of situation. You are upset about something and talk to a friend about it. You are expecting them to listen and empathise with you. But they don’t. Listen. Or Empathise. They race to tell you about their day. Or they defend the person who has upset you. Or they make a joke about your pain. Or they change the subject.

In short, they shut you down. They remove your permission to be upset and be heard.

And maybe sometimes you do that too.

Why do they do that?

Why do you do that?

Discomfort.

WE HAVE MADE DISCOMFORT THE ENEMY

We live in a society, in a culture that is very left brained. In other words, very analytical, very logical, very shallow. Rarely are people allowed to explore the depths of who they are, why they do what they do, of the uncomfortable things that happen in life.

In our society discomfort is something to be feared. Something that we are not taught as children to manage. The only way we learn is to run away from discomfort and to shut other people down when they make us feel uncomfortable.

The result is you don’t feel comfortable feeling painful feelings and other people don’t feel comfortable hearing about them.

THE WAYS WE SHUT DOWN DISCOMFORT IN OURSELVES

Many people will rush to cover up uncomfortable feelings with addictive behaviours.

Alcohol, illicit drugs, prescription medications, gambling, buying things, eating, exercise, sex addiction, the list is endless.

Discomfort can be the person who feels awkward in social situations so drinks to suppress that discomfort.

It can be the person who smokes a cigarette to calm their feelings of overwhelm every time they have an argument with their partner.

It can be the person who struggles to cope with the end of a relationship and spends hundreds of dollars buying things they don’t need.

So there is a lot of discomfort in this world. Today I am talking about the discomfort that you feel uncomfortable with and leads you to shut yourself or others down when that discomfort is present.

DISCOMFORT IS YOUR ALLY

You may laugh at the idea that something that feels unpleasant can be an ally. But discomfort is. In order to grow and learn you have to be uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable to do something you have never done before. It challenges your competence as you do something that you may not be good at. As you struggle to complete a new task. There is a risk of failure and that is uncomfortable.

It is uncomfortable to learn something you never knew before. It challenges the way you understand the world, the way you understand the things you have learned. Now there is new information that challenges what you understand, and you have to remember it and understand it.

If you can’t sit with discomfort you will never learn anything new.

If you can’t sit with discomfort you will never try anything new.

LEARNING TO BE OKAY WITH DISCOMFORT

How do you manage discomfort?

You learn to stand and take a deep breath when you feel uncomfortable.

You learn to not run away, or rush to numb the feeling with addictive behaviour. You learn to not rush to fight or flight.

You try an experiment. You take a deep breath and allow the discomfort to be there.

You examine that discomfort with curiosity. And you discover that it is okay, that you can handle this.

As you sit, keeping your thinking brain on line, you are able to come up with a plan to respond to the challenge that has brough the discomfort to you. You learn how to act.
You may not get it “right” first time, according to what you think you should do. But you will survive the discomfort. And in time you will learn that you can survive discomfort. And you will grow and learn. As you grow and learn you will come to welcome discomfort for the gifts of learning it brings.

CAN I HELP?

I have touched very lightly on discomfort. For many people discomfort is something they can learn to be okay with. But for others it is not that easy.

If you have had really difficult things happen in your past and you have not had the help you needed to process those things then discomfort can feel life threatening.

If you have been in that situation then seeing a counsellor who specialises in processing those past difficulties is helpful. You can make sense of what happened and understand it better. This can allow you to heal the pain of that event/s.

With the assistance of a counsellor, you can learn to sit with discomfort and allow yourself to be okay with the feelings. To know it is safe to feel discomfort.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to be okay with discomfort, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Benefits of Grief Counselling for Coping with the Loss of a Loved One

You have recently lost someone you loved so much.

Your grief at their loss is like nothing you have ever experienced in your life.

Your friends, colleagues, the internet, the media, people around you are all sending you mixed messages about how you can cope most effectively and about what you should or shouldn’t be feeling and doing.

There is the suggestion to just get over it, that you should be better by now, that you obviously are depressed and need an anti-depressant, that you should go to a support group, that you should see a counsellor.

Or there are the countless stories about the grief experience of those who talk to you.

THIS IS OVERWHELMING

Your head is reeling.

Will any of these suggestions actually help?

Are you really depressed or just grieving?

Maybe you want to go through this on your own. Maybe you want to experience the pain and not numb it by taking anti-depressants.

Maybe you don’t want to know about other people’s grief. You are grieving. Your world is in total disarray. The stories of others don’t help. Instead they leave you feeling overwhelmed and sometime frustrated.

YOUR GRIEF IS YOURS ALONE

The reality is grief is as individual as the number of people who are grieving. Your grief is yours alone. No one else will grieve like you. What helps one person may not help you.

You can’t rush this natural and healthy process and you can’t make the pain go away. In time you will heal and your grief will feel less intense.

SEEING A GRIEF COUNSELLOR

Seeing a grief counsellor like me can help you.

I won’t wave a magic wand and make it instantly better. But I can help you to steer your grief in a healthy direction.

REACHING OUT FOR HELP

Strong people know to reach out for help, to not be isolated. Grief isolates you and reaching out is actually a positive thing to do.

The emotions and physical symptoms you are feeling and are yet to feel will be confusing. There will be times when you feel you are going mad.

HOW I CAN HELP

I can help you realise what is normal and help you to make sense of the weird array of symptoms you are experiencing.

I can help equip you with the helpful skills to cope with all those overwhelming negative emotions.

In this time of your life you are at a greater risk of adopting unhealthy coping skills. These include:

• Avoidance

• Withdrawal.

• Drinking

• Substance use

• Over eating

• Addictive behaviours such as gambling, compulsive shopping and so on.

I can assess your coping skills and help you change the unhelpful ones and develop the helpful ones.

WHAT YOU MAY BE EXPERIENCING

Death is incredibly destabilising. Your sense of self is shattered. You no longer trust the safety of your world. Things that once seemed important now don’t matter to you at all.

You will most likely find your sleep is disturbed. You will either not be able to sleep or will sleep too much.

You may find yourself not eating or eating too much of the wrong thing.

It may be hard to look after yourself with getting enough sleep, eating well and being physically active. It may sound weird, but keeping yourself physically active will help your emotional healing.

Counselling can help you with your sense of self, learning to trust the world again. It can also help you with learning how to sleep better, how to eat well and how to find the motivation to be physically active.

CAN I HELP?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Mindful Walking: A Powerful Practice for Reducing Stress and Promoting Mental Wellness

I live near the Coral Sea on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast. When I long for the energising that walking on the beach brings I can hop in the car and in 15 minutes be walking along the beach. My favourite walk is to walk from one beach, around the rocky headland, and to the next beach. It is a walk that can only be done at low tide. It is also a walk over slippery rocks so walking without shoes is essential.

I start by walking along the beach, where the waves lap at my feet as if to kiss them and welcome me there. I then walk along the rocks, as close to the water as possible, walking in the zone between the high tide and low tide. In that space there are many slippery rocks. This is a perfect opportunity for mindfulness (and you might say falling flat if you are not walking carefully).

I walk bare footed, carrying my shoes. I walk gently, kissing the ground with reverence. That reverence allows me to take my time, to be slow and careful where I place my feet. I stop to place each foot carefully on the rocks, allowing my weight to shift slowly and firmly on to my foot. This grounds me on the earth and also allows my foot to grip the rock firmly and not slip. If I rush, then I slip. So it is important I take my time and place my feet carefully.

My entire focus is on placing my feet, observing what is around me, hearing and seeing the waves. This is wonderful mindful walking. If I don’t pay attention to where I am and how to place my feet, then I slip.

If you live near water, maybe you can try this. Take your time, don’t rush. The aim of the walk is to recharge your batteries. To release tension and stress, and to fill yourself with peace and calm. Doing this will help you to feel more in control of your emotions. It will fill you with peace and allow you to manage stressful situations better.

If you are nervous about going alone it is okay to bring a friend. But better to choose someone who will not talk. You need to do this quietly and with focus. Any conversation will distract you from the mindfulness required to do this walk. It is okay if you and your friend occasionally notice a wave, rock, small fish etc. and discuss it reverently. But don’t allow talk to distract you. This is why I prefer to go alone. I want to be with my thoughts and gain maximum benefit from this mindfulness practice.

You don’t have to walk for hours. Even grabbing 5 minutes to walk is helpful. Just make sure you pay attention to your surroundings, to the placement of your feet, to the sound of the water, what you can see in the water and rock pools and take your time. No rushing.

If you don’t live near the sea, maybe you live near a lake, river, creek or other body of water. It is possible to mindfully walk around these bodies of water as well. It will be different, but it can still be mindful.

If you don’t have access to water, you could try mindfully walking through a park, a woodland, a grassland. Anywhere that is nature is great for mindfulness.

Researchers have found that being in nature is very calming. Even photos of nature are more calming that photos of other things.

Even walking around your backyard, placing one foot carefully and mindfully down on the ground, then placing the next foot and so on. Can be a beneficial mindful experience.

Why not try it sometime. Regular mindfulness practice is really helpful for managing stress and, when practised regularly, can be used to manage stressful events as they are happening or directly after they have happened.

If you would like to learn more about mindfulness or ways you can manage stressful situations better, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

3 Vitally Important Truths About Grief

It doesn’t matter what you have lost.

It doesn’t matter who you have lost.

It doesn’t matter how you have lost.

What matters is that you have lost.

And you are hurting.

And there are no shortcuts to the point where you will be able to live with the pain.

And life will never be the same.

GRIEF IS PRETTY MUCH UNIVERSAL

Most people have experienced grief. Not everyone, but most.

Even those who offer unhelpful platitudes in response to your grief may well have experienced their own grief.

GRIEF IS DEVASTATING

Grief rips through your life. It leaves large holes that grow larger and larger before maybe reducing into a more manageable size.

Everyone needs someone who is willing to witness their grief. Someone who will not shy away from the reminder at how messy, hard and painful life can be.

But life can be beautiful too. Even in the mess and pain of grief.

Even in the swirl of anger, confusion, joy and spinning, constantly spinning. Life can be beautiful.

GRIEF IS UNIQUE BUT ALSO UNIVERSAL

We all experience grief. At some stage in our lives we all experience grief. We don’t experience the same grief as the next person, but we experience grief that allows us to find common places to talk about our grief and allow others to talk about theirs.

This talking together allows you to feel less alone.

From the books by grieving people I have read, and from the people whose stories of grief I have been witness to, I have observed 3 truths.

GRIEF IS COMPOSED OF A MILLION EMOTIONS

You can experience so many emotions. From feeling like your whole world has collapsed under a weight too great to bear, or feeling caught up in a whirlpool of emotions, to despair, anger, even joy and moments of fun.

All emotions are normal.

All emotions are okay to feel.

All emotions honour what you have lost.

TALKING ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE LOST IS BEAUTIFUL.

Do you really lose the one you loved so much? Aren’t they still here in your memories. Aren’t they still here when you speak their name? Aren’t they still here when you remember the anniversaries.

Sure they are not physically present, but they are there in every aspect of your life.

TO BE HUMAN IS TO LIVE WITH GRIEF

You Love. Because of that you grieve.

Your love is real so therefore the death is real.

You long to experience love, but that exposes you to the risk of loss and the pain of grief.

But that honouring of what you loved and now grieve has such a raw beauty.

Beauty, raw beauty, is as painful as it is beautiful. It is an exquisite pain of the awe and experience of being in the presence of beauty while also experiencing the pain of it no longer being physically there.

Yes grief hurts, but you grieve because you love. And the joys of love are worth the pain of grief.

DO YOU NEED HELP? EVEN IF ONLY TO HAVE SOMEONE BEAR WITNESS TO YOUR GRIEF?

If you would like me to be a witness to your grief and receive help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Interoception: Understanding the Importance and Benefits of Tuning Into Your Internal Sensations

Did you know:

• That research is showing that your internal body and internal organs send signals to your brain and play a major role in regulating your emotions?

• That your brain flicks in time with your heartbeat?

• That your emotions are impacted by neural activity that is impacted by your body organs?

• That memories are more likely to be remembered when you are in the body state you were in when the memory was first laid down?

• That interoception is important to keep you alive and allows you to feel pain and discomfort in your body.

• That people have different levels of interoception and trauma, either in childhood or adulthood, can reduce interoception.

WHAT LEVEL OF INTEROCEPTION DO YOU HAVE?

One test is to sit comfortably in a chair. Somewhere where you feel safe.
• Close your eyes.

• Place your attention in your heart.

• Can you feel it beating in your chest?

• If so, can you count your heart beats without having to find your pulse and count with your finger?

If you can feel your heart, then you have good interoception.

Interoception is not well known. Most of the emphasis in life is on what we think, not on what we feel in our bodies.

But interoception is a vital skill for your wellbeing.

Did you know that research has indicated that how well you can feel the signals from your body determines how well you regulate your emotions. If you can regulate your emotions well then you are less likely to experience anxiety and depression.

If you can read what your body is feeling, then you can be better able to protect yourself from mental health issues, regulate your emotions, and resolve conflicts.

WHAT IS INTEROCEPTION?

Interoception is the signals, expressed in sensations, that you receive from your body. This includes sensations sent from your internal organs such as your heart, lungs, bowel, bladder and so on.

These sensations are constantly being sent to our brains, where they are read by the brain. The brain makes the decision whether we need to be consciously aware of any of these sensations.

Have you ever heard someone say they felt something in their body wasn’t quite right then found out they had a medical issue with a particular body organ? This is an example of interoception where signals from an organ indicating a problem were sent to the brain and the brain sent messages to your conscious brain that there was something wrong.

When you feel something is wrong but can’t quite explain that feeling, this is interoception at work.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NOTICING BODY SENSATIONS AND UNDERSTANDING THEM

Most people’s brains are able to feel what is in their bodies, but they may not know how to interpret what they are feeling. They may not understand the link between what their body is feeling and the event that led them to develop that reaction in their brain.

Some people are totally cut off from the understanding of those sensations and may not even be aware they are feeling anything in their body unless they are taught to pay attention to those sensations. This is seen often in people who are depressed. They cannot feel their bodies and they feel numb.

Similarly, people who have suffered trauma, especially childhood trauma, often have difficulty feeling body sensations.

POOR INTEROCEPTION CAN LEAD TO ANXIETY

Other people are aware of these sensations but cannot understand what they mean. These types of people are more likely to report feeling anxious. They need to learn to connect these sensations with their conscious brains.

People who report feeling numb and separate from their body have been found to have poor interoceptive awareness. They struggle to notice what they are feeling.

Autistic people often struggle with interoception because they often struggle with Alexithymia (see previous blog on this). This is why many autistic adults suffer from anxiety.

INTEROCEPTION AND YOUR SENSE OF SELF

Interoception is the foundation of your sense of self.

THINGS YOU CAN DO TO IMPROVE INTEROCEPTION

Mindfulness is one approach that has been found to increase people’s ability to tune into their internal sensations.

Exercise has also been shown to help with interoception, especially certain exercises. For people with trauma histories, the feeling of the heart racing is threatening as it can trigger the fear of a trauma response. Exercising and getting used to the heart racing, and learning how to be comfortable with that can help with the feeling of threat. Exercise will also allow you to use mindfulness to allow you to learn to read the signals your exercising body is giving out.

Interestingly strength training has been shown to reduce anxiety. It is thought that training the muscles changes the signals the brain receives from the muscles as they become stronger and better able to deal with heavy use.

DO YOU NEED HELP?

It is helpful to seek professional help with difficulties with interoception. A trauma trained counsellor can help you resolve any underlying issues and learn how to feel safe in your body. Once you feel safein your body then you can learn interoception.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your interoception, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How Art and Craft Help with Grief

It is a familiar picture, the craft group at the local nursing home. The elderly residents working with arthritic fingers to make a cardboard basked, or splatter paint on a canvas.

You see craft groups with disabled children, in mental health treatment groups, in rehab centres. When I was studying for my Master degree I had to devise a multiple week expressive art program for a group. I chose a grief group.

My childhood memories of my grandmother were of her teaching me to crochet. I was an absolute failure at knitting but crocheting I was good at. She encouraged me to keep crocheting.

HOW MY GRANDMOTHER GRIEVED

When my grandmother died I was given her crochet box. In it were hundreds of lace patterns and loads of crochet cotton. As I unpacked the box I also discovered this was where she kept her precious memories of her brother, killed in World War 1 and her sister who took her own life. She would crochet and hold the memories of her brother and sister.

This was quite an introduction to the proximity of art and craft with grief.

THERE IS A LONG HISTORY OF ART AND CRAFT BEING A PART OF GRIEF

If you look at the history of death, you will find a history of people making craft or producing art in response to their grief.

In Victorian times, the hair of a loved one was intricately braided and sewn into pendants, brooches or rings. There are examples of embroidery, and quilts and cushions made from the clothes of the dead. Writing has also been used to process death.

When a colleague recently lost his wife, friends gathered her clothes and sewed them into covers for his bed and for their two children.

Other people I know have painted, sculpted, and woven in response to the death of their loved one.

CROCHETING MY GRIEF

When my grandmother died I wasn’t interested in lacework. But I did love crocheting. Instead of lacework I crocheted granny squares, knee rugs, clothing. It was something that I could focus on and it was something I could do to remember her.

When my grandfather died, I turned to poetry to express how I felt at his loss.

THE BENEFITS OF ART AND CRAFT IN GRIEF

Research has shown that arts and crafts (known in counselling as Expressive Therapies) can be extremely helpful in times of grief. The process of creating a piece of art, craft or writing uses mindfulness to focus your mind into the present. It allows you space to slow down and allow yourself to quiet your mind.

The focus required to produce art and craft is what produces the mindfulness effect. You can’t produce a piece successfully if you are not focused.

The repetition of paint strokes, crochet stitches, writing keeps your mind focused on the task and in the present. This allows you space to calm your mind and let go for a time of
the thoughts that trouble you. It is a wonderful way to reset those troubled thoughts and clear space in your mind for healing to occur.

The popularity of adult colouring books is a modern example of art and craft activity. The picture that accompanies this blog is a colouring page you are welcome to print out and colour in.

CREATING YOUR POWER BACK

One man I worked with described the utter powerlessness he felt at the death of his son. He found that working with wood gave him something to occupy his mind, satisfied his need to be physically active and allowed him to feel power as the wood bent to the movements of his hands.

A lot of people prefer the longer term project such as making a piece of furniture, knitting a doll, making and printing patterns on fabric, painting an item of furniture, sewing a quilt or writing the life story of the person they lost.

THE MERCURIAL NATURE OF GRIEF

Grief is mercurial. Some days you are in the depths of your pain, other days you feel you can conquer mountains. But producing an art or craft item can help on occasions when you are fed up with thinking and remembering.

DO YOU NEED HELP

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

8 Steps to Learn How to Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Body

Many people I see find it very hard to be aware of their bodies. When that happens, it is very hard to understand the emotions you feel.

It is possible to learn how to do this. I know, because I taught myself to do this.

FEELING YOUR FEELINGS CAN BE SCARY

Many people are afraid of their feelings. Feelings can be scary. When you are used to managing by pretending you don’t feel anything it can be frightening to start feeling things. It feels unsafe.

It is possible to learn how to feel your feelings, the emotions that spring from them, and feel safe as well.

THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF REGULATION

Before you can start to learn how to be in your body, you need to learn how to feel safe.

Learning techniques to regulate your emotions (known as self-regulation) is essential.

WHEN YOU FEEL DISCONNECTED FROM YOUR BODY

Do you find you feel disconnected from your body, not just unaware of it but actually disconnected? This is known as dissociation. People who dissociate often report the following physical signs:

• Tension in all or part of the body

• Anxiety

• Tightness in the chest

• Difficulty breathing or feeling that breathing has become quick and shallow, or noticing you are holding your breath.

• Your vision becomes blurry

• All or part of your body feels numb

• You feel dizzy.

• You feel like you are floating.

• Time passes and you aren’t aware of what you did during those missing minutes/hours.

• You find yourself somewhere and don’t know how you got there.

What I am about to discuss is for anyone who wants to be more aware of their body.

BEFORE WE START, SOME QUESTIONS

Before we start I want to ask you some questions.

• Do you want to feel your body more?

• How much time do you find yourself thinking, particularly anxious and scattered thoughts?

• Do you feel safe feeling your emotions?

• What does it feel like to be in your body?

• Do you like your body?

• Do you believe in the past your body has betrayed you? Maybe this has been through illness, emotional pain, responding to bad things in ways you didn’t want it to?

• Do you know how to identify when you may dissociate from your body?

• Do you deliberately go into your head, use your imagination to fantasise or dissociate to avoid feeling pain?

• Are you prepared to feel the emotions and the memories associated with them? There can be no reconnecting with your body unless you do that.

THIS IS WHAT I WILL START WITH IF YOU COME TO SEE ME

Before you can learn how to feel your body more, you need to be sure you are okay to start on that journey. Some people prefer the constant anxiety and fear because it is familiar and are too scared to learn a better, more life affirming way of being.

The information I am about to share is what I teach you if you come to see me. The aim of these exercises is to help you to feel your body, to learn the signs in your body of different emotions. When these exercises are practised they are very effective.

IMPORTANT NOTE

Please note that these exercises are about learning to feel what is happening in your body and understand your emotions. You may still experience fear when you feel these emotions. If you have overwhelmingly frightening emotions it is best to see a counsellor who specialises in working with trauma. It is best if that person has trained with the Blue Knot Foundation and is familiar with their Trauma Treatment Guidelines.

MY AIMS IN WORKING WITH YOU

As a trauma counsellor my aim in working with you is to:

• Be a witness to your story

• Hear you as you talk about these things in your life

• See you

• Help you to learn how to self-regulate

• Help you learn to identify the feelings in your body and the emotions attached to them

• Help you to heal and learn how to live a plentiful life, not one hampered by the restrictions of unhealed wounds from the past.

• Follow the Blue Knot Foundation trauma guidelines.

WHAT AM I FEELING IN MY BODY EXERCISE:

You will need:

• A body outline. You can draw this yourself or use the one that is illustrating this blog

• Coloured pencils/crayons in diverse colours.

• A notebook

What to do:

Pay attention to your body. Spend a few minutes a few times a day just observing what you notice in your body. Breathe in so that you feel your tummy rise and notice the feeling of your chest expanding. Hold the breath for a moment and then gently let it go. Notice what it feels like to leave your body.
After 5 in and out breaths, notice your body touching the chair (if you are sitting). If you are lying notice your body touching the surface you are lying on. If you are standing notice your feet touching the floor/ground.
Notice anything else happening in your body. Is your stomach rumbling? Do you have pain or tightness anywhere?
Make some notes in your notebook about what you felt and whether that was comfortable or not.
This may not happen immediately, but you will notice that you start to become aware of body sensations when you are thinking things. For example: you may be feeling rushed to get something done and become aware of tension, heat, cold, numbness, or any other sensation in a part of your body. Pay attention to that.
When you can, note these down in your notebook and mark on the body outline where you felt the sensations in your body. Use whatever colour seems best to match that sensation.
Keep practising breathing and being aware of your body and noting down things you are noticing in your body at different times.
Over time you will find it easer to do this and may start to be aware of how certain emotions are felt in your body and be able to identify them from what you are feeling in your body.
If at any time you feel overwhelmed with this exploration then seek the assistance of a trauma trained professional.

HOW THIS EXERCISE CAN HELP YOU

This exercise is not a cure for trauma, but it is helpful for learning how to be aware of your body. Many people who do not have trauma histories are not aware of their bodies. Our culture does not teach this skill, and many miss out on learning it.

If you have trauma then it is useful to seek help from a trauma trained professional.

CAN I HELP YOU?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma and/or learning how to be aware of your body, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Grief on the Edge of the Spirit World

Grief is seen differently in different cultures. One of the most beautiful ways I have seen it described is in the Lakota culture of North America.

They believed that people who grieved were deeply holy and had a special connection with the spirit world.

They considered the person who grieved as standing on the threshold of the spirit world.

To grieve deeply is to be someone whose protective layers are torn away. You are vulnerable and, having lost what you hold most dear, have nothing left to defend.

You grieve, standing on the edge of the spirit world. Then you accept the reality of what you have lost and let go of the past and the future. You just exist in the present moment.

The Lakota refer to this as the groundless openness of sorrow.

In that place of sorrow you have a wholeness of presence and a possess a deep natural wisdom.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR YOU?

Having grieved the loss of many loved ones I like this description.

It is true. As I processed my grief I stood at the edge of the spirit world. The one I loved passed through into the spirit world and I was left standing there, unable to follow.

During that time of deep grieving I existed very much in the present moment.

To be able to move forward in life I had to let go of any investment in the past or the future and just exist now.

A CHANGED PERSPECTIVE ON DEATH

My perspective on death changed from some abstract concept I had heard about to something I was experiencing personally. I had to understand what death meant and how it impacted me.

When I first experienced the death of a loved one I was 12 and I had no one to guide me on this journey. I had to explore what death meant, in particular, what the death of this person I loved actually meant.

Death is not a concept that is easy to understand. The one you love is just no longer there. There is no massive fanfare. No great announcement. They just aren’t.

Funerals can help to mark that passage of that person.

MEMBERSHIP OF AN EXCLUSIVE CLUB

What I have noticed over the years as more people I love have died, is that they go somewhere that I can’t follow. They become holders of some great mystery that I am not part of. It is as though they have joined an exclusive club that I can’t join. Not yet anyway.

Grief has changed my perspective on the spiritual. I totally agree that you stand on the edge of the spirit world when the one you love dies.

That experience is one you never forget.

STANDING ON THE EDGE

Each time someone you love dies you stand on that edge again and learn more.

Each time someone you love dies you have to process what that death means to you.

The lost presence and the inability to follow. They are very much present as you grieve.

In time I got used to it. I found some sort of meaning in it.

YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN

I was never the same again. The new person I was now was different, but not in a negative way. In my own way I crossed a boundary and entered a club, not the one of the dead, but the one of those who grieved.

When you grieve you will never be the same again. But you will learn how to live your new life and you will never forget standing on the edge of the spirit world.

DO YOU NEED HELP?

Sometimes you may need help with learning to live your new life.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief experience, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Alexithymia. What is it and do I have it?

A lot of people who come to see me about difficulties with life have alexithymia.

Alexithymia basically means you have problems feeling, identifying and expressing emotions. The word comes from Ancient Greek and means no words for emotion.

Researchers consider 1 in 10 people have this condition, so it is relatively common.

There are some conditions associated with Alexithymia. Autism is the best known, but people with Childhood PTSD, depression and a trauma history are also noted to have it.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE SIGNS OF ALEXITHYMIA?

What might you notice if you have alexithymia?

• You find it hard to understand what emotions you are experiencing

• It is hard to communicate your emotions to others

• Difficult to understand you own internal thoughts and feelings

• Difficulty identifying bodily sensations and the emotions they are connected to

• Difficulty identifying the emotions in others and responding to them

• Difficulty understanding the nonverbal communication of others

• You may experience difficulties with imagination

• You may have a thinking style that is logical and rigid and does not factor in emotions

• You may find it hard to cope with stress

• You may be less altruistic than other people

• You may find it hard connecting and relaxing with others and may appear to them to be distant, rigid and humourless.

• You may feel little satisfaction with your life.

WHAT PEOPLE EXPERIENCE

One person I spoke with described alexithymia as feeling an emotion in her body but her brain not being told about it. She experienced a disconnection between the sensations she was feeling in her body and her ability to understand and share with others what emotion was attached to those sensations. In other words, she found it difficult to identify and describe her emotions.

Another person I worked with used to journal what she was feeling in her body and anything happening around her or with her at the same time. Over time she identified sensations she understood to be certain emotions.

For example, she used to feel a pleasant sensation in the centre of her chest and found she experienced it whenever she thought about her children. She realised she was feeling love.

On occasion she would feel a funny bubbly feeling in her stomach that felt like it would explode. She realised this feeling came up when she was anticipating wonderful things about to happen. She realised she was excited.

She learned to attach the feelings to the emotions she had identified. But she is a long way from understanding all her feelings and she is still caught out by body sensations she has not learned to understand.

Not all people with alexithymia are able to learn to identify their emotions. But it can be worth trying. You never know, you may be able to learn to identify them.

WHY DO SOME PEOPLE NOT LEARN TO IDENTIFY THEIR EMOTIONS?

Children learn to identify their emotions from their parents. Parents help children identify what they are feeling by naming the emotions they are feeling. When children feel safe in their environment they are able to learn to identify all the times they feel a certain emotion. As time goes on they can identify new emotions because they have learned that body sensations are linked to emotions and will search to understand new body sensations.

If a child is not interacted with in that way then it is difficult for them to learn this.

Neurodivergent children learn differently and need different approaches to teach them. If a child is identified as being neurodivergent they can be directed to programs to help them learn.

HOW DOES TRAUMA IMPACT LEARNING TO IDENTIFY EMOTIONS?

For children raised in trauma situations there is often no one to help them understand the array of emotions they feel. Also, trauma is terrifying. Fear activates protective responses in the brain that turn off conscious thinking in order to defend from danger. When the conscious brain is turned off then it is not possible to be aware of emotions, let alone understand them.

Additionally, there is frequently no one to help the child later to process the array of emotions they have just experienced. It is quite likely in those situations that the body sensations become linked to the trauma experience and suppressed.

Another way child don’t learn to understand their feelings is when children feel certain emotions and are overridden by adults in their life. An example may be when a child is afraid of something and are told not to be so silly and are forced to do what they are frightened of. Another example is when a child doesn’t want to play with someone because they feel uncomfortable around them and are told they are being ridiculous and forced to go play.

In both the above examples, the child’s feelings are dismissed and overridden. This causes the child to believe their internal feelings are not valid. That leads to them not trusting what they feel in their own bodies. So the child learns to ignore what they are feeling and can no longer identify what emotions they are experiencing.

Adults who have never learned to identify their emotions can become expert at shutting off contact with their bodies. For them, being asked what they are feeling in their bodies becomes impossible and stressful. They don’t know how to feel what is in their bodies. When they try they feel overwhelming fear because opening up their contact with their bodies releases a lifetime of locked away terrifying emotions.

CAN I LEARN TO FEEL MY EMOTIONS?

Yes, you can. It is not easy but you can. How do I know? Because I learned to do it once I became an adult. It took a long time, and a lot of healing, but I did it.

HOW I CAN HELP YOU

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to understand your emotions, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

9 Ways in Which Children (and Adults) Display Anxiety

Unless you have studied child development, it is likely you will interpret your child’s behaviour according to the way you react to things.

But children’s brains have not yet developed enough to allow them to behave in adult ways.

Children have to learn to understand their feelings. This makes it hard for them to understand what they are feeling. If they can’t understand, they can’t tell you.

As a parent, you have a role in helping your child to understand their feelings and learn how to process them in a healthy way.

To do that, you need to be able to identify what is happening for your child.

This list is of ways in which children are know to display anxiety. Adults can display anxiety in the same way if they never learned as children how to understand their own feelings.

Here are 9 ways that children display anxiety:

ANGER

Anxiety can be produced by the feeling of danger or feeling overwhelmed, which is perceived as danger. Danger triggers the fight or flight response. Part of that response is anger. To have the energy to fight or run from danger, your body produces anger. As adults we often react the same way to anxiety, so it is not surprising when your child reacts the same way.

When the fight or flight response is activated, the thinking part of the brain shuts down. This means your child will be angry but can’t tell you why. Later, when they are feeling less anxious they may be able to tell you. Remember, pushing them to tell you what is wrong will just make them more anxious.

SLEEPING DIFFICULTIES

Anxiety can cause worrying thoughts that will keep an adult from falling asleep, or if they wake up during the night, from falling back to sleep.

It is the same with children. If your child has difficulty falling asleep or wakes up and can’t get back to sleep, it would be a good idea to ask them if there is anything worrying them.

AVOIDANCE

You may notice your child avoids completing a task, or going to a place or seeing a particular person.

Adults often do the same thing. Do you find you do this? If so, then you can understand how hard it is for your child to do the things or see the people and places that cause anxiety.

It is really important in a situation such as this to sit with your child and allow them to tell you what they are anxious about. Together you can work out a solution. It may be that your child just needs your to accompany them so they can feel safe. There are other solutions too.

It is important to remember that when children are told to do things that they feel anxious about, things their fight or flight response is saying are dangerous, that you don’t tell them they are being silly, or there is nothing to be worried about, and force them to do those things. Doing this teaches your child to ignore their intuition. Intuition is vital for their healthy functioning in life.

NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

Is your child responding negatively to suggestions or outcomes. Are they saying their homework is horrible and will be marked wrong by the teacher? Are they expressing negativity around attending an activity? Negative thoughts are more often experienced when a person is anxious.

DEFIANT BEHAVIOURS

You ask your child to do something and they refuse. They may throw things, or yell and scream. They are not being “naughty”. Often it is because they are feeling anxious. Often if a child is asked to do something they feel unable to do, the anxiety they feel at not being able to do the task can be expressed as defiance. Again, it is unlikely your children, having activated their fight or flight mechanism, will be able to tell you what is wrong. Give them space and time to calm down. Sit with them in a non judgemental way and offer support and understanding. When they feel calmer, then they may be able to tell you what is wrong.

Alternately, sometimes defiance can be due to the anxiety of not being in control, which feels unsafe, and it is expressed in defiance as your child tries to get some control (and therefore safety) in the situation.

THE STRAW THAT BREAKS THE CAMEL’S BACK

Adults do this too. Something minor happens and your child explodes with anger. This happens when hurt and anxious feelings are suppressed for quite some time. There is a limit to what can be suppressed. Eventually something will happen that will be too much to suppress and everything will come out. It may seem your child is overreacting, but if you allow them to calm down and you then ask them they will be able to tell you about what has been troubling them.

LACK OF CONCENTRATION

Your child is not paying attention to what you are telling them, to things that are happening around them, or to anyone or thing. If your child is anxious, those thoughts may be so overwhelming they aren’t noticing anything around them, including you asking them to do something.

MICROMANAGING

Some children will express their anxiety by trying to micromanage everything. They overplan what should be simple. It is easy in this situation to get angry at their obsession with everything being done “properly”. But your child is most likely trying to calm their anxiety and unsafe feelings by controlling things.

I HAVE A TUMMY ACHE

Feelings are not just things we experience in our heads. We also experience feelings in our bodies. It is very common for anxiety to be felt in the abdomen. Adults experience this too. Children don’t know that these things they feel in their body are associated with the thoughts and emotions they experience. Your child may experience a tummy ache and not know it is part of anxiety. So the tummy ache is genuine.

WHAT NEXT

You have noticed your child exhibiting one of the above behaviours and you have stopped and considered they may be anxious. Instead of reacting angrily or with frustration, you respond with understanding.

Now you want to understand what the problem is.

If you rush them to tell you what is happening, it is unlikely they will be able to tell you.

Sit with them. Be relaxed so they can sense your calm and not feel rushed. Maybe you can say: “You seem to be upset about something. Let’s sit for a while.”

When you observe your child seems calmer, you can try asking them what is happening for them. Listen. Let them talk. Don’t interrupt. Offer comfort and understanding. Acknowledge what they are feeling and how that is hard to feel that. It may be that telling you is all your child needs. But there may be a problem you can problem solve together.

A REMINDER

Remember, adults exhibit the same behaviours and often can’t express what is happening until they are feeling calmer. We live in a society that punishes rather then understands anxious behaviours. Many adults have never had the opportunity to learn to understand their own feelings and change their responses to them.

Understanding for your child is vital, and also for adults.

SOMETIMES HELP IS NEEDED

Sometimes your child may need professional help to untangle the anxiety they are experiencing. And sometimes adults also need that help too.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you or your child with anxiety, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au