If you are grieving, you know that there is no magic bullet to make you feel better. You want the world to stop but sadly it doesn’t. Sooner or later you have to get out there in the world and live, even when you just want to sit in your grief and never emerge.
In this blackness of grief it can seem unbelievable that you may one day experience happiness, even joy. Every aspect of your life is impacted by the overwhelming nature of grief and life seems to be muted, shrouded in darkness.
REMAIN CONNECTED IN SOME WAY TO LIFE
The one thing you need to do is to not lock yourself away from the world forever. Yes, you may have days where you just want to be alone with your grief, but don’t make it every day. Hard as it may seem, you are not alone and there are other people out there who are grieving too and can maybe offer understanding.
Never forget that we all suffer loss. Sometimes it is the loss of a loved one, other times it is a relationship, job, house, country, possession, body part and so on. It may seem you are the only one, but there will be others out there too.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO GRIEVE
Your grief is real and you have every right to grieve. Grief is a natural process that people have been experiencing as long as there have been people in this world.
I was reading a book by Donald Altman, a psychotherapist and expert in mindfulness. In this book he spoke about the way grief changes us. He describes grief as being a growth experience that opens new ways for us to understand grief.
AN EXERCISE TO TRY
He suggested a reflection exercise as a way to work with your grief.
This involves contemplating some questions. This can be on a daily basis or every other day, whenever you feel works for you.
To do this exercise you need to find somewhere peaceful and comforting. Somewhere you won’t be disturbed.
Decide how long you will spend on the exercise. That may be 15 minutes, 20 minutes, half an hour or longer.
As you sit in this place set the intention to be:
compassionate to yourself,
open to what may come and
curious about what you may discover.
This exercise may give you insights or it may just open the way for you to start healing and learning to live with your loss.
As you contemplate the questions, consciously breathe in peace and compassion for yourself.
Read each question and contemplate it before moving on to the next question. You may find you are only able to contemplate 1 or 2 questions each practice. That is fine. Work through them, repeat them, do whatever you need to as you seek answers.
Below are the questions:
• How is my grief like a love letter for my beloved?
• What is my “love letter” saying to my beloved?
• How has grief changed me?
• How can my grief serve to enrich my appreciation for the precious, impermanent things of life?
• What does this grief teach me about loving myself?
• How does grief make my heart more tender and open to all others who have also lost someone?
To finish off these questions remember you need to embrace life. Grief also reminds you what it means to love. When you love, then you live fully.
DO YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO WILL LISTEN?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief journey, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
When people come to see me about the difficulties in their lives I teach them to be more aware of their own thoughts, emotions, reactions and body sensations that occur when they encounter difficulties.
There is a reason for this.
Many years ago, John Bradshaw wrote that you cannot heal what you cannot feel.
Many have sought to debunk this statement, but the reality is that pushing the difficult feelings down so you think you aren’t aware of feeling them, does not allow healing.
The difficult feelings are still there, even when you can’t consciously feel them. And those difficult feelings have a massive impact on your behaviour and reaction to things.
DO YOU WANT TO BE FREE OF THESE REACTIONS TO THINGS THAT YOU CAN’T CONTROL?
Here is what I teach you to do. It is based on the RAIN meditation as taught by Tara Brach.
Recognise or become aware of your emotions. This includes being aware of what is happening in your body. a. What sensations can you feel? b. Where do you feel them? c. What do they feel like? d. What are the thoughts in your mind?
Acknowledge and name what you are feeling. This is important as you cannot address the emotions if you aren’t able to identify them. Also, naming your emotions helps you to separate them from you personally.
Investigate or explore those feelings. This is important to understand where they come from. It is helpful to consider how old the one expressing the thoughts is. Reactions to things come from past events when a difficult incident has become embedded unresolved in your memory. When incidents occur that are similar to the original incident you react according to that unresolved memory.
Nurture yourself. Offer yourself compassion and kind words of comfort.
Let me share this in a more expanded form.
PROTEST OR TRANSFORM?
Becoming aware of your emotions is important. So often you may feel upset, uncomfortable, angry and not know why. Your rational brain may be telling yourself you are being silly. You may feel alarm because in the past these feelings have led you to behave in ways that have damaged relationships.
I have been taught that when I face difficulties in life there are two choices:
• Protest and push through
• Transform and stop to explore what I am feeling.
Protesting means you just push forward and push the emotions down. You may react in ways you wish you hadn’t. You just push forward and keep going. And this situation repeats and repeats until you do something to get help.
RAIN
Transforming means you stop. You allow yourself time to explore what is happening for you.
You follow the path of RAIN.
RECOGNISE WHAT YOU ARE FEELING
You seek to become aware of what you are feeling. You become aware of the sensations in your body, their location, the type of sensation they are, the words or phrases running through your mind. All these are valuable for you to understand what is happening.
If you take the time, you will realise what you are actually feeling.
Don’t be afraid of those feelings. All feelings are okay. They are vital clues to what is happening for you. They are clues to unresolved issues from the past. Issues that continue to influence the way you react to things.
ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEELINGS
Now you have taken the time to identify your feelings you can name them.
This naming is not a shameful or condemning thing to do. It is about recognising without judgement that perfectly understandable feelings you are experiencing.
You may be feeling angry, hurt, confused, shame, fear and so on.
INVESTIGATE YOUR FEELINGS
You have named your feelings, now you are going to investigate them further.
• Where did those feelings come from?
• Are there any memories that come to mind when you investigate those feelings?
• What do those phrases in your head say?
You have found a memory – now it is time to go deeper and explore more of that memory.
• How old were you?
• What was happening for you?
• What were you feeling then?
• Is it reasonable to judge yourself at that age, circumstance?
AN EXPLORATION INTO THE PAST
Often when you explore the source of feelings you find their source is an incident from your childhood.
Looking back now you can realise the child’s feelings and experience were normal for a child of that age and developmental stage. You can see the child you were as a small child who needed support and understanding. You can see that you can’t judge them from an adult perspective, because they were a child. You can recognise that the thoughts the child had are based on the child’s limited understanding of the world. As an adult you can give a different interpretation to the situation and not judge the child for what happened.
NOW YOU UNDERSTAND YOU CAN COMFORT
The natural thing to do now is the offer comfort to that small child. You are the adult looking back at an incident in your childhood. You can recognise that truth of the situation and that the child needed an adult to offer support and love.
You are the adult. It is time for you to comfort the child.
So offer them words of love and support.
“My darling that was so scary.”
“you were so confused.”
“it’s okay now. I am here. I’ve got this.”
THERE ARE MANY WAYS YOU CAN CALM YOURSELF
Comforting yourself as I described above is a really great way to calm yourself.
Mediation can really help to. Guided ones are great ways to start.
Learning Mindfulness is important to help you be able to recognise what is going on in your body. You can also meditate using Mindfulness. At the end of this post I have a link to sign up for my newsletter. Signing up gives you access to a quick mindfulness meditation you may like to try.
You can also try painting. I don’t mean painting some masterpiece. I just mean putting your feelings on to paper. You can swirl paint around. You can paint lines, dots, circles, squiggles, cover the page with paint, mix it all together into a muddy clump. You can use your fingers. Just allow yourself to put on the page what you need to let go of. Remember, if you feel like painting figures, stick figures are fantastic.
Journalling can be another outlet as well.
EXERCISE AND FUN ARE IMPORTANT TOO
You may find taking a walk calming, especially if you walk amongst the trees or on a beach.
Swimming, any form of exercise, yoga, stretches. There are myriad ways you can move.
Remember the importance of just having fun. Laughing with friends or family, throwing a ball around, trying to ride a unicycle!, anything that is fun. Just being able to forget your worries and responsibilities and have fun with others.
WATCHING YOUR DIET
Making sure you eat foods low in sugar is important. As is avoiding too many take aways. Add lots of vegetables into your diet. The healthier your diet, the better you feel.
Restricting sugary drinks and not drinking excessive amounts of alcohol are also helpful.
When your body is trying to cope with excess amount of sugar, too much alcohol for your liver to comfortably process and foods that your body struggles to process and dispose of the waste from, you will not feel well.
Increasingly research is demonstrating a link between your bowel and your brain. The quality of your diet has a massive impact on how you are feeling emotionally.
HOW COUNSELLING CAN HELP
When things in your life have been overwhelming and leave you struggling, it can be hard to recover without specialised help.
Seeing a counsellor specialised in treating these difficulties, which are all referred to as trauma, is important. Do check that the person you want to see is trained in treating trauma. You can’t just repeat sentences every day and hope the trauma can go away.
You don’t have faulty schemas in your head that need correcting. You have painful memories that need to be allowed to be expressed and healed. This does not mean you have to revisit painful memories, just that you need to be able to access the memories stored in your body and release them.
A properly trained counsellor can help you to learn how to calm yourself and feel safe.
When you are able to feel safe you can then learn how to safely heal those difficult memories.
BLUE KNOT FOUNDATION
The Blue Knot Foundation in Australia is the peak body on childhood trauma and runs training for mental health practitioners. Their training and the practice guidelines they have written are internationally renowned.
I have completed many years of Blue Knot Training and follow their practice guidelines in my work.
CAN I HELP?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
In my years of witnessing the grief of others. Of walking alongside those who have lost someone they deeply love. Of helping people find a way to keep living. In all those years I have found the same thoughts expressed.
The deep love for the one who has passed. And the continuing love with which their passing is honoured and held close, even years after they have gone.
This really is a beautiful expression of love. A continuing expression of love for the one you love.
It is beautiful and dignified to grieve the one you loved.
Even when your eyes are red with tears and your nose runs from all the crying. Your love for the person you have lost is so deep.
It is okay for your heart to hurt with the pain of their physical absence from your life.
It is written that the healing power of grief is found in the realisation that every moment is precious.
Grief teaches you to feel gratitude for what you had, especially now it is gone.
Grief demonstrates the beauty of life, realised when the life of the one you loved has been extinguished.
Yes, that realisation hurts so much. It is a realisation you never want to make, but here you are having to make it.
Gratitude for what you had is not what you want. You want gratitude for what you have. But can you ever fully appreciate what you have until you no longer have it?
Through all the disorientation, devastation and despair of grief there will be an ever after. There will be a life after the one you love is gone. You may not want it, but it will happen.
You might need help to get there, but you will.
If you would like my help finding the love letter, the beauty of life and gratitude for life in the one you loved, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
In my work I often talk with people about gratitude.
The idea of gratitude is not always well received.
There are a lot of wrong ideas about gratitude.
Maybe you hold those wrong ideas too? I used to.
GRATITUDE IS NOT ABOUT IGNORING THE BAD THINGS
Do you think gratitude is all about being ultra-positive? About ignoring the bad things in life? Much like Pollyanna in the books?
Do you think expressing gratitude means you have to be thankful for the awful things that happen in life? (As if you could).
That is not what gratitude is.
WHAT IS GRATITUDE, REALLY?
Gratitude means you sit with what has happened in your day. In all the stresses and disappointments.
It means you acknowledge the bad things.
It means you acknowledge “that hurts”.
It means you honour the things that happen to you. You don’t push the bad things away. You sit with them and allow them to be. You allow yourself to feel the pain and disappointment. You allow yourself to hold and integrate the pain.
HEALING THE PAIN
Did you know that allowing yourself to feel emotional pain. To feel the pain without fighting it. That once you feel that pain you can actually heal it.
That is not going to happen in a few seconds. It takes time for hurt to heal. As long as you are hurt, you are in pain. Allowing the hurt to take its time to heal will heal it faster. It will allow the pain to resolve sooner too.
It is possible to be hurt and learn to live with it, no longer being bound in the pain of the hurt.
HEALING THE PAIN OF THE PAST
You can do the same thing with things that have hurt you in the past. Those hurts you shoved down and tried to ignore. It is always possible to heal.
Hurt binds you. The pain traps you into patterns of behaviour designed to protect you. But allowing the hurt to be experienced and the pain to resolve will help.
BE CURIOUS
Be curious about the hurts you feel. Don’t run from them. Don’t fight them. Give them your caring love and attention. Just as you would sit with a friend who is hurting, do the same for yourself.
As you visit those hurts, allow yourself to feel the pain. Allow yourself to be curious. Breathe into the hurt, just as you may have learned to breathe into physical pain to relieve it. Breathe calmly. Don’t turn or run away. There is nothing to fear in old hurts.
LEARN TO HOLD YOURSELF WITH LOVE
Sometimes it can be helpful to see a counsellor who can help you hold the space while you heal. You can learn to hold yourself lovingly and with compassion. You can learn to give love to the parts of you that are hurting.
When those hurts are no longer binding you into protective behaviours you make room to be the real you. To experience all the wonder and joy of life.
To feel better able to express gratitude.
WHAT ABOUT GRATITUDE?
And as for gratitude. Don’t ignore the bad things that happen. Maybe you ended a relationship but found a friend who comforted you. Be grateful for the friend who cared enough to offer comfort.
Maybe your car broke down, and you were running late for an appointment. But the roadside assistance came in the form of a man who acknowledged how hard this was for you. You can be grateful that he wasn’t rude and he was helpful and caring. That is something to be grateful for.
Maybe in all the stresses and worries of the day, in all the worries about finances, relationships, and work, you looked up and noticed the most spectacular clouds in the sky. And for a moment you stopped and admired their beauty. Be grateful for that.
GRATITUDE MEANS FINDING THOSE SMALL GEMS OF GOOD AMONGST THE BAD
Being grateful doesn’t mean you ignore the bad things. It is always a good idea when express gratitude to also express why. If you are stressed about life and see the clouds in the sky. You can be grateful that despite your worries there is still beauty.
If you are grateful for the caring mechanic who helped you when your car was broken down. Be grateful that in the midst of a stressful situation someone was helpful and caring.
Bad things happen and they hurt. But there is always something to be grateful for, no matter how insignificant. It is how you maintain hope in the bleakest circumstances.
DO YOU NEED HELP?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with healing from life’s hurts and learning to express gratitude, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
One thing that strikes me about grief is that our society has taken grief away from being a normal part of life and turned into something pathological.
But grief is a natural, normal process. It is not something we avoid, run from or race to get over.
The reality is your life is changed by loss. That is unavoidable.
I HAVE EXPERIENCED GRIEF AND ITS AFTERMATH
I write as one who has experienced multiple losses in my life and has grieved. I have experienced the way this world tries to turn a natural process into something wrong. I have experienced being told what is normal to experience after a loss. I have been helped by healthy people who helped me understand that I wasn’t mad, but perfectly normal.
I know what it is to cry at times when it is not socially acceptable, when other people feel uncomfortable.
I know what it is to find myself totally unable to manage simple tasks and to just want to crawl into bed, close the door and tell the world to go away.
I know what it is to lose my sense of self, to feel life is out of control, to feel inexplicably depressed, to question the very meaning of life, to wonder who I am now because I just can’t work it out.
I know what it is to want to tell this person about something that just happened and then remember that I can’t because they are no longer alive.
I know what it is like to have my experience ignored by others, to be told by people when I summon the courage to tell them I miss the dead person (who died only a month ago) that I need to see someone because that is not normal.
I know what it is like to grieve for a person that no one around me knew so no one else can understand who the person I have lost was.
I know what it is like to never hear the person I loved mentioned by anyone, even people who knew them, as though they never existed.
I get it, but that is my journey, and I am talking about yours.
THERE IS NO SOLUTION TO GRIEF
I hate that many people, including some mental health practitioners will tell you that you need to “move on”. That you need to “buck up”. That they have the solution.
I do know you need to be seen, that your grief needs to be acknowledged. That you need support and empathy.
I know that you need to learn how to carry this burden and that you can develop the mental and emotional muscles to carry it for the rest of your life.
DEATH HURTS
Death out of order is devastating.
Death is life altering.
When you know someone is dying it is not the same as when they actually die. But the pain of knowing it is coming is a completely different experience.
Death changes everything.
Your life and trajectory, the future you anticipated evaporates.
Your world disintegrates and you are left with a crumbled mess that doesn’t make sense.
UNHELPFUL RESPONSES HAPPEN
People will offer all manner of platitudes and shut downs.
Others will tell you the story of their grief, not realising they have taken away the thing that is most important for you now, your current reality. And that reality is important. People will often share their grief story because they want to connect and let you know they get it. Sadly it often becomes a competition to learn whose grief was worse.
Of course others have been bereaved and experienced grief. But their grief is not yours. The circumstances, the relationships, the personalities are different. It is better for others to acknowledge they have experienced grief and leave it at that.
Of course at some time you may want to know how they handled something, or coped with another issue. It is okay then for them to answer that question.
EVENTUALLY YOU MAY WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE GRIEF OF OTHERS
At another time you may want to join a group of people who share their grief stories. It can feel less lonely. It can help to feel like your experience is more usual and you are not mad. But this is something to do when you are ready, not to be forced on you when you are first grieving.
GRIEF IS A LIFE EXPERIENCE THAT CHANGES YOU
It is most important to remember grief is not a problem to be solved or fixed. It is not an illness. It is a life experience.
Here is a fact. All life experiences change you.
GOOD AND BAD PAIN
Sometimes people feel pain and will describe it as “good” pain. It is worth remembering that. Not all pain is awful, although some certainly is.
As a society we are taught that pain is bad. Because grief hurts, we believe it is bad. So there is a belief, held by some in the mental health field as well, that grief is something you get over as soon as possible. That there is something wrong and not normal about grief and it needs to be healed.
AT THE “END” OF GRIEF THERE IS A NEW YOU
Grief is normal. We love and we grieve when what we love is gone.
You integrate loss into a life that has become a walk each day next to and with your loss. So the old you ceases to exist. Don’t forget to grieve that too.
Grief is life altering. Grief throws your reality into chaos.
DODGING THE MESSAGES UNTIL THE NEW YOU SURVIVES
You will be bombarded with messages. Some helpful and loving. Others unhelpful and unaffirming. You will feel embarrassed at not coping in public. You will find it hard to function. You will have good moments and bad moments.
In the end you will survive. You will be a new you. You will always carry that grief. But you will survive.
DO YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR JOURNEY?
If on that journey you need to talk to someone who will not shut you down, or tell you that you are defective, I am available.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
I am available for face to face sessions on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland or via zoom.
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
So many people come to see me come after the death of their abuser.
They feel anger at the way this person was spoken about at the funeral.
That can be really hard. It can feel very disempowering, as though your voice is silenced and your experience doesn’t matter.
There seems to be a reluctance to be honest about people at their funerals. At some funerals I have attended it would seem the person who died was a saint when I knew they weren’t.
ABUSERS CAN PRESENT AS LOVELY TO OTHER PEOPLE
It is a sad fact of life that the person who abused you, who was awful to you, may well have been charming and seemingly wonderful to others.
So often you can feel you aren’t able to speak up about the way your abuser treated you in life.
I can relate to that. I sat through my mother’s funeral wondering if I was at the right funeral. The person being described was not the person I knew. It was not the abuser I knew.
HOW DO I MOVE FORWARD?
In learning to live after my mother’s death I had to accept that to other people she probably was a wonderful person.
Her inability to be a loving, caring supportive mother. Her inability to protect me from my abusive father. Her inability to attune to me or love me. These were all things that existed in the relationship she formed with me. They did not exist in the relationship she had with other people, even my siblings.
It can be hard to speak up at your abuser’s funeral. You may find you are removed from the funeral if you speak up. Or you may find others refute what you have said. Or you may not yet feel empowered enough to speak up.
Sometimes you need to find other ways to express what you want to say.
SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH
When I spoke to a counsellor I was able to tell her the things I wanted to say at my mother’s funeral but couldn’t. In counselling I often act as the witness to the story people want to tell about their past. And that is one way you can express what you want to say.
I wrote a letter to my siblings about my experience with my mother and they totally rejected it. Some people do the same thing and it is helpful. But it is important to bear in mind that others may not be willing to accept your story and may reject it.
I have had conversations with my mother, imagining she is standing in front of me, telling her how angry and hurt I was at her behaviour. I found that helpful. Others report the same experience. Again it can be helpful to have that conversation in a counselling session where it can be witnessed. I often guide people through doing this and then assist with letting the words go.
Another approach is to write a letter to your abuser, telling them everything you want to say to them. After writing the letter you can post it. Alternatively you can tear the letter up. Another approach is to burn the letter. I burned the letter I wrote to my mother.
Other people like to hold small ceremonies to express what they need to say about their abuser and letting them go.
Drawing or painting can be a way to let go of that person and express what you need to about them. Again I painted my feelings towards my mother and then burned what I had painted.
WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO EXPRESS YOUR TRUTH
It is important to express what you need to express to your abuser. This allows you to move on in life and live without their energy impacting on you. You deserve to be free.
WHERE YOU CAN GO FOR HELP
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with speaking your truth about your abuser and living a life free of their energy, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
There is a twin paradox in being human. First, no one can live your life for you – no one can face what is Yours to face or feel what is yours to feel – and no one can make it alone. Second, in living your one life, you are here to love and lose. No one knows why. It is just so, if you commit to living, you will inevitably know loss and grief.
Loss and grief is a condition of life. Your life is composed of an infinite number of changes. Each change involves a loss. Each loss must be dealt with before you move on to the next. Sometimes the losses are minor, like the tree you love swinging in falling over, or the playground equipment being removed. Your best friend may move away. You come to the end of the school year and have to say goodbye to your favourite teacher.
As time goes on you learn that change and the loss of your normal is constant. Sometimes the new normal is way better, sometimes it is worse. You learn that some losses are okay and others take time to adjust to.
Sooner or later in your life you encounter more devastating losses. A close friendship ends, your first romantic relationship ends, a much loved family pet dies, a close family member dies.
GRIEF HURTS
This is when you discover the pain of losses that hurt deeply.
Most of the time you learn that having relationships has a cost.
But in life you don’t necessarily learn how to grieve.
LEARNING TO GRIEVE
You learn how to grieve from the people around you growing up.
If your father told you to not be so stupid at being upset because your pet died you may well believe it is not okay to be upset at the death of an animal. Even though it is perfectly normal to grieve the loss of a pet.
If your mother lost the job she loved and she put on a brave face and never appeared to be upset, then you may believe it is normal to get over the loss of a job and not normal to get upset or grieve over it.
If your grandmother died and you never saw your parents cry. If they even remained dry eyed at the funeral. If they never mentioned her again and never seemed to be upset. Then you may have the idea that it is not normal to be upset and cry and want to talk about the person who has died.
If you heard the adults around you criticising someone who was crying about losing their spouse and judging them because the funeral was over and it was time they “got over it” then you would likely learn it was not okay to grieve beyond the funeral.
If you were devastated by the end of a friendship and the people around you told you to buck up and come out and enjoy yourself. If you were never allowed time to process the emotions around that friendship you would get the message that you are not supposed to grieve friendships.
HOW OTHER PEOPLE’S DISCOMFORT IMPACTS ON YOUR GRIEVING
During your lifetime there are myriad ways people will communicate to you that grief is unhealthy and you have to get on with things and not experience the emotions and disruption of grief.
Don’t listen to them!
I have lost count of the number of people who come to see me thinking there is something wrong with them because they lost their loved one, job, pet, moved to a new area, had their house burgled, had their car stolen and so on and they are “taking too long” to get over the event. Because they are expected to get over it in a matter of days.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH GRIEVING
The reality is, other people get bored with your grief.
Other people are uncomfortable with the emotions around your grief.
The messages you get to end the grief are about other people’s comfort, not your own.
You are born to live in relationships and the ending of those will hurt. You are born to form connections with the things you do, the things you own and the end/loss of those will hurt.
You are also born to live your own life in your own way.
So the next time you lose someone or something live your life and live your grief in the way you need to. Not in the way other people feel comfortable having you live.
NEED HELP?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with living your life and living your grief in the way you need to, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
One of the biggest problems encountered in life is the things that happen to interrupt the smooth path through life.
The job you don’t get, the “no” you get when you want to do something really important to you, the friend you fall out with, the family member who hurts you.
All these things, and more, can really upset your equilibrium.
WHEN PROBLEMS HAPPEN IN LIFE TO BLOCK YOU
The reaction that usually happens is to be upset and to protest.
Protest is something that is seen all the time.
The person who acts out with road rage, the person who gets angry at delays in a queue, your upset and howls of protest when something happens to you.
It is natural when something happens to block your forward progression in life to protest, to push against what has happened. Then to keep going forward in the same direction.
But that is not always helpful.
And it does not resolve the hurt at what has happened.
THERE ARE TWO CHOICES WITH LIFE’S BLOCKAGES
When obstructions come, there are two choices. It may not seem that way, because you most likely saw others use only one way, were taught only one way, when you were growing up.
You can protest, sure.
But you can also transform the situation.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PROTEST
If you protest you push back against the situation. Then you ignore it and keep going on the same path.
And you carry the hurt and anger at the obstruction. It rankles and the situation is rarely resolved satisfactorily.
And next time you protest even more.
It is hard if you have had a lot of hurt in your life. Unfair things happening in your childhood. Hurts that were never acknowledged.
It all hurts.
And you protest and want something better.
AN EXPERIMENT TO TRY
I want you to try something now.
I want you to put your hands together and push them hard together. Take your time. Push hard and spend time observing what sensations you are noticing in your body.
What does it feel like in your body?
Now push hard against the wall. Again take your time. Push hard. Spend time observing the sensations in your body.
What does that feel like in your body?
Now stop.
NOW TRY ANOTHER EXPERIMENT
I want you to reach out for something that is just beyond your reach, so you have to reach, really stretch yourself out.
Take your time. Reach, stretch out. Spend time observing the sensations in your body.
What does that feel like in your body?
WHAT EXPERIMENTERS REPORT EXPERIENCING
Most people will report that pushing against their hands or the wall feels like they are closing in on themself. Shutting themselves off.
Most people will then report that reaching out to grab something just out of reach feels like opening up.
WHAT PROTEST FEELS LIKE
Pushing your hands together or the wall away from you is what happens when you protest.
It closes you up. Restricts you. Feels awful.
WHAT THE ALTERNATIVE FEELS LIKE
Reaching out is what happens when you seek transformation.
It opens you up. Feels freeing. Opens your mind to possibilities.
TWO CHOICES
When a problem presents itself you can choose to protest. To feel the unfairness of what is happening. To fight it. To close yourself up and push through.
Or you can choose to stop and explore what is happening for you inside.
What thoughts are you experiencing?
What emotions are you feeling?
What sensations can you notice in your body?
Those three questions will help you to truly explore what is happening.
WHAT IS THE PROTEST REALLY ABOUT?
You may be surprised at the experience.
Some people have told me that when they explore their thoughts, feelings and body sensations they are surprised to observe they are feeling relief.
Others observe pain, but find that if they are curious and stop fighting the feelings they can find a solution. This does not necessarily resolve the problem, but it does allow them to discover a way to transform the situation.
Others realise the anger they feel is not about the current situation but something that happened in childhood
WHAT IS THE ALTERNATIVE TO PROTEST?
What is the alternative when you want to protest?
It is so surrender to these feelings. It is to reach out and feel the opening up of your body and mind. It allows you to transform the situation into something that you can grow from. It allows you to understand the past hurts that impact on the current situation and maybe be able to untangle some of that old pain.
It also reduces your pain. Once you surrender to something, although it may still hurt, it will hurt less then if you protest and remain closed.
THE 3 STEPS
So the next time you encounter a difficulty in life, choose transformation. In order to transform the situation try this:
Stop and allow yourself to just be with what has happened.
Allow yourself to explore what you are thinking, feeling, and the sensations in your body. Address the thoughts that come up. Allow yourself compassion when old hurts are uncovered. You may find yourself surprised at the emotions you are feeling. You may recognise some of those body sensations again. They are vital clues to warn your when things are getting overwhelming and you may need time to calm yourself.
Surrender to what is happening. Reach out to it. Pull towards it. Allow yourself to be open to new possibilities.
You won’t always be able to do this. There are times when things are so disruptive you need recovery time, but it will allow you to process many things. And with practice, you will be able to transform more and more disruptive things.
NEED HELP?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you transform the big problems in your life, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
In the 1970s the work of Elisabeth Kubler Ross became very popular in bereavement circles. Her initial book was the result of research into the way people managed psychologically with their own death.
In the book Elisabeth described stages people went through. Here is where semantics became a problem. Stages tend to be perceived as something sequential that has to be worked through from 1 to 2 to 3 and so on. But Elisabeth never intended this to be a rigid progression of experiences. She observed that people would move backwards and forwards through these experiences.
It didn’t take long for her work to be adapted to not just the dying but those who were grieving the loss of a loved one. The research had never looked at the experiences of the loved ones of those who were dying, just those who were dying. So there were problems with applying this model to the grieving.
OUR PERCEPTION OF GRIEF HAS BEEN INFLUENCED BY A BOOK ON THE EXPERIENCE OF DYING
But the idea of stages and the need to process death has become pervasive and generally people consider this is what they have to do and become distressed if they feel they are not moving through these stages properly. Some less well educated practitioners in the medical and mental health fields can also fall for this perception and label people who come to see them as being defective because they aren’t moving through these stages properly.
I have lost count of the number of people referred to me because a medical or mental health practitioner has considered they are not progressing properly through their extremely recent grief. A lot of people are sent to me less than a month after the loss! I would not expect anyone that early after the grief event to be making any arbitrary “progress”.
SOME INFORMATION ON GRIEF
Lets have a discussion about grief. Maybe I can help you dispel some of the myths about grief.
SOME DEFINITIONS OF GRIEF:
• Deep or violent sorrow or keen regret
• Emotional suffering that is experienced after a loss. Hard to be put into words although there is a strong need to put it into words so that it can be expressed and shared.
• The personal experience of a loss
• Mourning is a process that occurs after and as a result of a loss
• Mourning is an expression of grief
• Mourning is psychologically referred to as mental and emotional “work” that occurs after the loss of a significant person through death. Or any loss actually.
• Automatic reaction to the loss of someone or something to which you are attached.
SOME FEELINGS YOU MAY EXPERIENCE IN GRIEF:
• Shock
• Emotional release
• Sadness
• Depression
• Isolation
• Anger
• Hostility
• Idealisation
• Confusion
• Guilt
• Relief
• Gradual letting go of what you have lost
• Gradual return to what you consider a more “normal” life
• Be able to acknowledge reality
• Establish a new way of living
• Your own unique way of grieving
• And many more
THEORIES ABOUND AROUND GRIEF
There are a lot of theories about this normal process and they have influenced how mental health workers approach grief. These are summarised into four different theoretical areas:
Emotional sickness to be avoided (!!!!)
Psychological reality to face and accept
Process of psychological growth and transition to a better life
Set of developmental tasks to be fulfilled.
EMOTIONAL SICKNESS!!!
The first theory that influences how members of society perceive death, and also how many mental health practitioners perceive death, is so wrong. Death is a normal part of life and it is normal to be sad, disoriented and preoccupied by your reaction to death or the loss of anything important in your life.
Reality to face and accept (mmm)The second theory is okay. Yes, losing someone or something we love and have a deep attachment to is devastating and does need to be processed in order to move on. So the reality of what has happened does need to be accepted eventually and we do need to face this reality. Although our brains usually protect us from full on facing the reality by offering up distractions so we don’t overload our brains.
PSYCHOLOGICAL GROWTH AND TRANSITION TO A BETTER LIFE (??)
The third theory is better. We do grow psychologically as a result of processing grief. I am not sure that it is fair to say you transition to a better life. Can life without your loved one actually be better? Maybe you just transition to a life without them that can be fulfilling and meaningful.
TASKS, TASKS, TASKS
The fourth theory is very task oriented. That puts a lot of pressure on people to feel they have a checklist of tasks to complete in order to grieve “successfully”.
SO YOU HAVE COME TO SEE ME ABOUT YOUR GRIEF
Another way of approaching grief is to consider that a mental health practitioner use theories, skills and their own intuition to help the grieving person learn to live their entire life effectively.
A HELPFUL WAY TO PERCEIVE YOUR GRIEF
Most people find it helpful to perceive their grief as a time to:
Accept the reality of what they have lost
Work through the pain of their grief
Adjust to an environment without the person or object they have lost
Develop a new way of being that allows them to be with the pain of their loss but also be able to continue living. This often involves finding a new meaning in their life
CLEAR AS MUD?
Sometimes you do need to talk. After all, I earlier mentioned that one definition of grief is that it is something that needs to be expressed and shared.
Maybe you can find that space to do that.
Often it is difficult. It is hard to discuss your grief with people who also loved this person. That can make it hard for you to say what you need to say.
Sometimes well meaning friends will say what they think are helpful things to say:
• It’s all for the best
• You should be over it by now
• Your loved on wouldn’t want to see you this way
• You must be strong for your children, your mother, your father etc.
• Best not to talk about it, just get over it and move on with life.
• The sooner you forget the better
• And so on.
DO YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE?
So you may find you need to talk to someone who will listen and let you express what you need to. Someone who will tell you that you are not going mad. Someone who will tell you that you aren’t getting over things too slowly. Someone who will know how to help you if you do find yourself stuck.
On those occasions you need to see a grief trained practitioner.
I CAN HELP
I am trained in working with grief. if you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Families are never completely harmonious. They are comprised of people, bound together by genetic and marital ties, who often are not free to discuss conflicts as openly as is healthy. There are often undercurrents of tension and unresolved hurts in any family interactions.
Add a family Christmas, with all the stresses that “perfect” day brings. Add to the mix some freeing alcohol. Add to the mix the proximity with people who have caused those tensions and unresolved hurts.
Mix these ingredients and you have an explosive mix.
You can try to avoid difficult topics, but inevitably something will come up, particularly if you have the mix listed above.
Below are 8 steps you can use to survive the family Christmas. 8 steps to help you keep away from the difficult topics you may not be ready to discuss in a large family gathering.
PREPARE FOR THE DAY.
Are you expecting challenging topics of conversation? Plan in advance how to manage and deescalate these potential ignition points. a) PLAN TO SET BOUNDARIES
You can set boundaries by letting family members know what areas are contentious and that you want avoided. You can practice how you will set this boundary in a positive, affirming way.
Maybe you might say something like: “I love seeing you and our time together is really great. There are just some things that we disagree on and maybe we can avoid discussing them today so that we can enjoy our time together.”
b) PREPARE AHEAD
Before you meet up, think about happy things you and this family member/s have in common. Are there happy childhood memories you can share, do you have the same interests? Brainstorm ideas of topics of conversation so you are ready to have a conversation. When you have no topic to discuss, conversations tend to follow well worn paths. If those well worn paths are the contentious ones, then that is what you are going to end up having a conversation about.
REDIRECT THE CONVERSATION.
Preparing ahead safe topics to discuss will allow you to quickly redirect the conversation to a safer topic that is related to the contentious topic. It is easier to pivot if the topic is related somehow, so if someone brings up a humiliating episode when you were a child and were swimming, you may bring in a conversation about wonderful beaches to visit and direct people to that topic. In that situation, the chances are that others in the conversation are not happy to bring up the humiliating episode either and will welcome the change to change the topic.
REHEARSE WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY.
When you are under stress, you will tend to do what is habitual. So well used responses to others will tend to be used. This will quickly derail your intention to steer away from the uncomfortable conversations. So practise what you will say. Have imaginary conversations where the other person says something they usually say, or makes a comment about a situation they usually comment on. Imagine redirecting the conversation away from that contentious comment and what you will say. While you are doing this, imagine being relaxed and able to deflect any triggers in their words. Imagine calmly setting a boundary, or redirecting the conversation, or making a statement.
While you are imagining this conversation, practice taking calming breaths and imagine you are releasing all the tension and it is flying away as you breathe out. As you breathe in, imagine you are breathing in peace and calm.
If you have a family member who makes highly politicised comments, or makes racist comments, or expresses strong extremist viewpoints, practice a statement that acknowledges their opinion but indicates it is not up for discussion. The well tried response to this is to “agree to disagree” and have no more conversation around that.
Sometimes these statements are deliberate attempts to bait you into responding. Don’t. Set the boundary and try to change the topic of conversation. If the person still persists, walk away. Take a walk around the block if you need to calm down. Just remain calm until you are somewhere where it is safe for you to be upset. More on that later.
BRING OUT THE OLD HAPPY MEMORIES.
This is another redirecting technique. Bringing out a positive family story involving a happy memory. The more family members involved in this memory the better. If you start off saying “Remember when xxx” you are inviting others to add their recollections of the memory. Not only is that fun to share in happy reminiscences, it also shuts down anyone negative due to the weight of people participating in a new conversation.
Remember, a family member who is difficult for you to get along with, may also be difficult for others to get along with. Other family members may welcome your efforts to redirect the conversation and be more than happy to jump in with enthusiasm. After all, everyone wants to have a lovely day.
FOCUS ON FUN FAMILY TRADITIONS.
There will no doubt be things your family enjoy doing together on family occasions. There are families that love to gather around the piano and sing Christmas carols. Others love to play games. Others have a post Christmas lunch walk.
If your family has traditions then make sure they are carried out. If they don’t have any, then introduce some new things you think family members will be interested in. Prepare the ground for this. Talk about this “fun” idea with family members you think will be useful allies in this so that when you introduce the idea it will be supported by other people. These traditions are a great way to distract from unpleasant conversations.
PRACTICE GRATITUDE.
In the lead up to Christmas, think of at least 10 things to be grateful for each day. Write them down and say them out loud, followed by three thank yous. Slowly introduce gratitudes for family members.
Don’t force the jolliness. Find things you are genuinely grateful for. They may range from extraordinary things to the seemingly mundane such as your health, your home, your job and so on.
Each day add gratitudes for family members. Start with the ones you love seeing. As you get close to Christmas think about the ones that cause you grief. Is there anything about them you like? Anything about them you admire? Try to find something to be grateful for about them. One might be that they are diligent about attending the family Christmas every year. Another might be they help with the washing up. Another might be they love their car. Find something to be grateful for.
Finding positives help you to feel more empowered and more in control of those difficult situations. It also helps to see the main protagonists as people with less power than you thought they had.
FIND ALLIES.
Think about who will be at the Christmas event and identify those you find supportive. They may be the type who will speak up and support you at the time of the difficulty, or they may be someone you can speak to later to help you calm down.
It is easier to manage in stressful situations when you know you have support.
PRACTICE CALMING TECHNIQUES.
One of the easiest ways to calm down is breathing. It is best to practice this technique in advance so that it is second nature when you need it. If you try this for the first time when you need it, it is unlikely to work effectively.
a) MINDFUL BREATHING
The best way to practice is to start small.
• Set a reminder on your phone for every hour if possible.
• Now prepare to breathe for 1 minute.
• Set a timer for 1 minute.
• Sit quietly with your hands resting in your lap.
• You may choose to let your focus slip or you may choose to close your eyes.
• Now breathe in while noticing the feeling of the air entering your nose and your chest and tummy rising with the in breath.
• Now breathe out while notice the feeling of your chest and tummy falling and the feeling of the air passing through your nose.
• With the next in breath, imagine you are inhaling calming air. Imagine it is a beautiful calming colour such as blue or green, whatever your find calming. See that coloured air entering your nose and lungs.
• Now breathe out all the tension and difficult emotions. Imagine the air you breathe out is the colour of tension and difficult emotions such as red, whatever you find expresses what you are feeling.
• Continue breathing in calm and breathing out tension. You can say to yourself I am breathing in calm on the in breath. And you can say I am breathing out tension/anger (name emotion) on the out breath.
• If you notice your mind wander away from noticing your breath just return your attention to your breath without judging yourself.
• Continue until 1 minute is up. Notice how you are feeling calmer and more in control of your emotions.
If you practice your 1 minute mediation as often as you can you may consider the next day practising for 5 minutes sometimes and 1 minute at others.
Practice as often as you can. When you need this calming at the Christmas event you will find it easier to slip into the practice if you have taken the time to practice in advance.
You can use mindful breathing sitting or moving around. Many people practice as they are walking. This is something you might try if you need to get some space away from the difficult people.
b) RELEASING WALK
The walk works like this:
• Don’t rush to push the emotions you feel away. Allow yourself to feel them, name them and walk them out. Stamp if you need to, walk fast if you need to. Swing your arms around. Whatever allows you to release what you are feeling.
• Once you have allowed yourself that time and you have acknowledged and released the emotions you can then walk at a calmer pace at your speed.
• Notice what is around you. What can you see, hear, smell, touch or taste?
• Take a deep in breath. Notice the sensation of that breath entering your body as you walk.
• Release that breath and notice the sensation of it leaving your body as you walk.
• Continue breathing and paying attention to your breath.
• Remember to breathe in calm and breathe out stress, anger and/or other distressing emotions you are experiencing.
• As you notice yourself feeling calmer, you can start paying attention to the beauty around you.
• Remember to just return your attention to your breath if your mind starts to wander.
• As you settle into this calming routine, allow yourself to feel your feet on the ground. Feel the ground supporting you are you walk.
• Allow yourself to feel the air around you. Feel the air wrapping you in its loving embrace.
• Continue walking, feeling the calm and feeling the support that surrounds you.
• When you are ready you can return to the gathering.
• You may decide to stay there, you may decide to communicate boundaries, you may decide to leave. Do whatever feels right for you.
MAKE OTHER ARRANGEMENTS
If you feel that it is too distressing to attend the family Christmas, make other arrangements.
Maybe you would like to attend a community lunch.
Maybe you know other people who are on their own at Christmas. Perhaps you can get together to celebrate.
Maybe you would like the day alone with some lovely food and a stack of movies/games/books you would love to watch.
You may even find other family members don’t like the event and would be happy to do something with you instead.
A FINAL WORD
You have prepared yourself for the family Christmas and it is still difficult. Be okay with that. Don’t forget your strategies. Set realistic expectations of how people will be and prepare for this.
Do take the time to take some calming breaths before responding to other people. It can help to name what you are feeling. This allows you to cope better. It also allows you space to decide to not react to this person. It is in this moment you may choose to walk away, or calmly say their comment is inappropriate, or not funny, or unacceptable or anything else.
People can get to you with their behaviour and comments because you have unresolved hurts. After Christmas, review the family Christmas. What came up for you? Is there something you need to resolve. Counselling can be really helpful to explore and resolve old hurts. You can also learn helpful strategies to cope.
WHERE TO GET HELP
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your unresolved hurts, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
PLEASE NOTE PLENTIFUL LIFE COUNSELLING WILL BE CLOSED FROM 5PM 21 DECEMBER 2022 AND WILL RE OPEN AT 9AM ON 9 JANUARY 2023.
