When my mother died, I was living on the other side of the world.
I left my husband and children and flew across the world, not knowing if she would still be alive when I got there.
Losing my mother without the support network of my husband and children around me was hard. I felt completely isolated.
Everyone else involved in the process of her death had someone there for them. I felt very alone and without comfort.
After The Funeral
When I returned home I was isolated from those who knew my mother. Yes my husband knew her, but she was never interested in having a relationship with him so he wasn’t able to relate to my pain. My children were too young and, as my mother was not the grandmotherly type, had little relationship with her anyway.
I tried to communicate with my siblings long distance but they were just not interested in talking about her or sharing their feelings.
I don’t even know if they were upset that she died.
My friends, especially one close friend, were supportive for a few days. Then life went on. And I was expected to be over it.
The Toll of Grief
Grief can demolish your life.
Grief can demolish your sense of who you are.
Grief can destroy your trust in a fair world.
Grief can fling you into the deepest, darkest pit.
Yet it is dismissed as if it doesn’t matter.
The Difficulties of Having Your Pain Taken Seriously
When I first learned my mother was dying I thought I would never get to see her again or attend the funeral. So many are in that position. I was lucky. The expat contract my husband worked under allowed for paid flights back home if a close relative died.
And then you fly home and life is expected to get back to normal.
Except it doesn’t.
After The Funeral
I see a lot of people who take time off work for the funeral but then find themselves incapable of getting back to work when their leave is up.
They can’t manage to function well enough to do anything.
Many report feeling totally without interest in life. They report experiencing brain fog. They feel numb. Many can’t sleep or eat. Many cry sometimes for hours at random times. Others experience severe anxiety, even panic attacks.
Grief Is Not Taken Seriously
A colleague once commented that if someone went to a doctor with these symptoms they would likely be diagnosed with depression and put on medications. They would also likely be given a lengthy medical certificate for work. Because it is grief, there is no such option.
Grief is not recognised as being something you can be signed off work for.
I remember feeling totally lost. I had no idea who I was. I worried I was mentally ill because I had no pleasure in life, in doing anything. I couldn’t focus enough to do anything. Sometimes I felt angry. Other times I found myself crying for no reason at all. I have always been an optimistic person but suddenly I lost all hope. The colour drained out of my world.
It was only years later when I attended a grief support group that I learned I was experiencing totally normal reactions to grief.
The Support Just Drops Away
Apart from the initial support when I returned home, there was never any more support. It was just as if “that’s over let’s get on with life”.
Years later I would feel inexplicably down and realise it was the date my mother died or her birthday.
Complicating Factors
So many people come to see me and report feeling life is just not worth continuing. In fact bereavement is a risk factor for suicide.
For some people their grief can be complicated by other factors. Lack of support is one of the biggest issues for people as they grieve.
For some people I see, the death of their loved one has left them financially devastated. Not only are they trying to work through the fog to grieve, but they are also having to try to navigate the financial mess they have been left. Trying to make decisions about finances at a time like this is virtually impossible.
Prolonged Grief Disorder
Most people will eventually be able to work through the pain and find a way to function and move forward with life. But occasionally people can’t do that. Sometimes people get stuck in their grief. Then it becomes prolonged grief.
Prolonged grief is a more complicated form of grief. It requires specialised treatment to help the person process their grief and find a way to continue with life. I am trained in working with Prolonged Grief Disorder.
You Are Normal
If you are grieving the loss of a loved one, please know it is absolutely normal to experience brain fog, numbness, inability to sleep or eat, or sleeping or eating too much. It is normal to cry a lot and at inconvenient times. It is also normal to be anxious. It is normal to wonder if life is worth living. It is normal to feel hopeless and that your life is devoid of colour.
It is normal to grieve. It is normal for that grief to last the rest of your life. It is normal for you to be able to function again and live your life again. It is normal for you to sometimes feel sad about what you have lost in the years ahead.
Find people who can support you. If you need to talk to someone more objective then seek counselling support. Expect to one day feel somewhat better, but don’t force yourself. It all takes time.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz