There is a general lack of understanding around how children grieve.
People expect children to grieve the same way adults do. For that reason, when the child is seen to happily play it is assumed they have “gotten over” the death of their loved one.
But this is not so.
UNRESOLVED GRIEF IS FREQUENTLY THE ENEMY WITH GRIEF IN CHILDREN
Many adults consider grief the enemy to fight, and therapy to support people in that situation often aims to help people see grief differently. However, with children, unresolved grief is the enemy. Why? Let me explain.
WAYS A CHILD GRIEVES
How a child grieves is determined by a number of factors:
• Their developmental stage,
• Their age,
• How the loved one died,
• What they have already experienced in life, and
• How they see grief modelled by the adults around them.
Researchers have observed that children move in and out of grief. They also need to handle their grief in small periods of time and intensity.
BRAIN DEVELOPMENT IMPACTS ON A CHILD’S WAY OF GRIEVING
One of the main reasons children grieve this way is to do with their brain development and the coping skills they have developed.
Children’s brains develop the ability to cope with overwhelming emotions in stages. Initially they need a lot of shared soothing from caregivers. Over time, they learn to soothe themselves more and need less support. However, frightening events and highly emotional occasions still require a lot of assistance in shared soothing from caregivers.
HAVING A BREAK FROM INTENSE EMOTIONS
Even adults cannot spend 24 hours a day grieving. Much as you may not want to think about anything other than your lost loved one, the reality is you do think about other things.
Just as the child needs breaks from the intensity of emotions, so do you the adult.
This is referred to as dual processing. You have grief to attend to, and you have life to attend to. So you work out a balance between the two. Children do the same, just in smaller doses that their brains allow.
DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES CAUSE THAT GRIEF TO BE REEXPEREINCED
The other thing that happens with children and grief is that the child will often reexperience that grief at different developmental stages. Don’t think that the child will be over the death after a few years. They will often reexperience their grief later in childhood and even into adulthood.
The general rule for children is that under the age of 4 the child will know someone is missing and miss them. They will know there is something wrong. They can’t however really understand what they are experiencing and why the loved one is not there anymore.
HOW TO SUPPORT A GRIEVING CHILD
They will need lots of cuddles from trusted caregivers at the time. As they grow older they will have more questions and much more sadness as they understand more about death and the death of this loved person.
UNRESOLVED GRIEF
When the adults in the child’s life avoid talking about the grief, the child is unable to process the grief and it becomes unresolved grief. They will then often hide their feelings away.
You may see acting out behaviours, depression, anxiety, and disorganisation. You may see anger, often directed at you. These are often signs of unresolved grief that has been hidden away but now needs to be expressed and acknowledged.
EACH GRIEF PILES ON TO THE NEXT ONE
Children don’t only experience grief at the time of their loved one’s death. They also experience this grief at different developmental stages in life. When someone else dies the grief over the previous grief will also be experienced. In fact, we all grieve for the current grief and any past ones that have happened.
NOT BEING ABLE TO SAY GOODBYE
One thing I have found when working with adults still trying to process the death of loved ones in their childhood, is that they were often not included in the death and aftermath of this loved adult. Often children were sent away to stay with relatives and did not see their loved one as they were dying. They are often not included in the funeral. So their opportunity to say goodbye is denied them.
FEELING THE DEATH IS A TABOO SUBJECT
Children can often feel the adults in their life do not want to talk about their loved one. So they lock away their feelings, which are expressed in other ways.
When a child is young when their loved one dies, they are often not able to express what they are feeling. Even if they are there to see their loved one as they are dying and attend the funeral, they will still experience the death differently as they grow up.
FEELING GUILTY ABOUT THE DEATH
Children can also feel guilty about their loved one’s death and will hide that away out of fear the other adults in their life will reject them if they know.
BEING TOLD TO LOOK AFTER THEIR PARENTS
One of the saddest things I have seen happen with children is when adults in their life tell them to look after their mother or father and be responsible. Children in that situation often feel they are not able to grieve for their loved one and must suddenly become adults responsible for the welfare of their parent/s.
ADULTS MODEL GRIEVING FOR CHILDREN
Research has shown that children will grieve based on how their parents grieve. If adults are open and honest about their feelings and encourage their child to share theirs, with opportunities to comfort each other, then the child will feel more comfortable sharing their grief when it resurfaces.
THE CHILD BELIEVES THEIR GRIEF IS NOT IMPORTANT
If adults hide how they are feeling, thinking it is better for their children, the children can feel it is not okay to express their grief. A child will also hide their grief if the adults in their life don’t respond to their expression of grief and instead become extremely upset without acknowledging the child’s experience. Some of that hiding is due to fear of upsetting the adults in their life. Some is also due to the child forming the belief that their grief is not important. This will be particularly so when someone has told the child to look after their parent/s.
HOW ADULTS CAN HELP
Children need adults who can openly and honestly discuss grief, how it is for them (in age appropriate language and content) and be open to asking the child how it is for them.
EXISTENTIAL QUESTIONS – WHAT IS DEATH?
The first time a person encounters grief there is a massive existential shift needed to understand it. At any age, even in adulthood, people question what grief means. This is more so for children and their developmental stage will impact on how they explore that question. It is important to be open to answer any questions a child may have and to be prepared to have an age-appropriate conversation with the child if they wish to have one.
Don’t be afraid to name what led to the death of the loved one. For example, if the child’s grandfather died of cancer, you may explain that he had a sickness in his body that caused it to stop working. So that the child doesn’t worry that they may get that sickness too you can explain to them that they do not have the sickness and are well.
QUESTIONS AND HOW TO HANDLE THEM
Children will often ask questions about where their loved one is. People have many different beliefs around death. I find children are particularly concerned that their loved one is with any pets they have lost, or with another loved one. They don’t want them to be alone. They may also want to know if they are still sick, in pain, scared, sad. Understanding that helps with responses around your beliefs.
One parent who brought their child to me spoke of having read the experiences of people who had near death experiences and used this to tell their child that their grandfather was in a very happy place with his parents and siblings and old friends, as well as the family guinea pig and dog.
THE FORM THERAPY TAKES AND WHAT YOU CAN DO AT HOME
Children are more open to express their feelings and understandings in play where the child may play out scenarios that help them process their loved one’s death. Allowing them to play and not shutting down their play can be really helpful to them. Reading age appropriate books about death are also very helpful. Drawing is another way children often express themselves.
THINGS TO REMEMBER
Remember, it is most important to allow children the space and permission to grieve. Don’t force them to talk if they don’t want to, but model openness around your own grief journey and an openness to listen when they want to talk.
Do not make the loved one a taboo subject!
Be prepared for the grief to resurface at different developmental stages.
Get help if you feel your child is not coping with immediate or resurfaced grief.
Ensure you get help for your own grief needs.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you or your children with grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
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