Living Life – Page 2

Grief Is A Change You Didn’t Want

Heartbreak is there in grief.

This is because when a person you love dies you are heartbroken.

When a person you love leaves you and rejects you and continues to reject you, then you are heartbroken.

Which pain is worse?

The worst pain is the pain you are experiencing.

Heartbreak

Heartbreak is always present in grief. It is heartbreak at the loss of the future with that person, whether they are alive or dead. Now you must face a future you did not plan and may not even like.

Heartbreak can occur through other life events. Losing a job, not getting the job you really wanted, not getting into the university course you wanted, not getting the marks in an exam you wanted, losing out on the house you wanted to buy, losing the house you can no longer afford to pay the loan on, your car being stolen, your house broken into, the end of a relationship, losing your pet, losing your country.

The really important thing to remember is your pain is always worse for you. There is no comparison. Just because someone else is hurting, it doesn’t mean their pain is worse. Comparisons just can’t be made when it comes to grief.

Heartbreak is not logical

It is always important to remember that the act of making a comparison is one that uses your mind. But when you are heartbroken and suffering grief, those are emotions you are feeling. They are not logical, they are not of the mind. They are the emotions of heartbreak.

Be careful, because grief that isn’t attended to doesn’t just go away. It stays there, unattended, and trips you up when something reminds you of it.

Questions to ask yourself

Ask yourself the question. What heartbreak, what grief, what disappointments in your life have you not attended to?

Once you have the answer ask yourself. Why don’t you attend to it?

The answer is most likely that it is difficult, painful even, to confront that pain.

It is so easy to run from pain. Pain hurts.

The realness of emotional pain

Did you know that physical pain and emotional pain are registered in the same part of the brain?

All these years people’s emotional pain has been dismissed as being nothing, yet it is as painful as physical pain.

The metaphor of the Buffalo

Grief expert David Kessler uses the metaphor of a buffalo turning to face a storm and walk into it. The buffalo knows it will get through the storm faster if it does this. But humans try to stay away from the storm. They try to keep a metre or so away. This way they remain in the storm a long time.

Instead of facing the storm, humans stay close to it and try to numb themselves, try to move away, but not far away, or try to avoid any triggering memories. Humans may even run away.

Substituting One Emotion For Another

One way of avoiding the storm is to go to another emotion that feels more comfortable.

What emotions might that be?

The most common one to go after is anger.

If you explore what is under your anger you will often find it is sadness, grief or fear.

There is a very real fear that once you give in to the pain of grief you will never be able to stop crying.

But you will stop crying in time.

Self Compassion Is The Best Treatment

When you allow yourself to enter the storm and feel your emotions deeply. When you allow yourself to engage with the emotions, then you are caring for yourself. You are showing up for yourself. Allowing yourself to feel these emotions is the way you can be there for you. It is an opportunity to show self compassion.

Self compassion only works if you pay attention to your emotions.

To show self compassion you have to be able to accept that this horrible thing happened. You have to be allowed to feel sorry for yourself, for the pain you are experiencing and have experienced.

Our society tells us it is wrong to feel sorry for yourself. But that is wrong. It is not wrong to feel sorry for yourself. It is not wrong to feel for what you have been through. To acknowledge that what you have been through was horrible.

When others try to shut you down over this it is because they feel uncomfortable and don’t want to be exposed to that discomfort.

Beware The Failure To Own Your Problems

Refusing to be accountable for what you have done in your life and refusing to own your problems causes difficulties around feeling sorry for yourself.

If you feel sorry for yourself and get stuck in that place, constantly seeking those who will affirm your pain but never doing anything to get out of that pain, then you are failing to understand your own problems and find ways to resolve them.

The Importance of Being Seen

It is important to feel seen, to have your pain acknowledged. But sometimes you are the one who is going to see you, who will acknowledge your pain.

Being seen is empowering. Seeing yourself is as empowering as being seen by someone else.

Tara Brach PhD, a leading western teacher of Buddhist meditation, emotional healing and spiritual awakening, talks about the importance of putting your hand over your heart centre and saying “Ouch, that hurts” as a way to acknowledge the pain you are feeling and give yourself self compassion. Try it sometime, you will most likely find it helps a lot.

In Summary

The worst abandonment is when you abandon yourself

In your pain do not fail to acknowledge to yourself the pain you are in.

Don’t fail to show compassion to yourself.

Stop judging yourself, shaming yourself, criticising yourself, telling yourself you are bad or unworthy, failing to defend yourself.

Make sure you recognise your own pain. Remember “Ouch it hurts” is very important.

Sit with your pain and acknowledge it. Comfort yourself.

Advice To The Recently Bereaved

I often have recently bereaved people visit me. Their bereavement is so recent they haven’t even had the funeral yet. One of the things I tell them in that first session is to be kind to themselves, to be okay to not look after other people at the funeral. To let others care for them. To absent themselves from the post funeral get together if they need to. To cry, be unstable, not want to talk, not want to socialise, not look after others are all permissible and necessary self care actions.

Grief Forces Change

I model for the recently bereaved how to speak kindly to yourself, how to be caring and compassionate to yourself, how to be there for yourself.

It is scary to be placed in the position where you have to grow and change. But grief puts you there and there is only one way out and that is to walk through the storm.

You are going to have to learn the new way to be. You will not know it immediately, but you will learn over time and self compassion is your best ally in this learning.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and heartbreak please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Surfing Your Emotions

Did you know that emotions rise up and then fade within 90 seconds if you can identify your internal experience, give the emotions a name and allow them to flow?

If you try to suppress your emotions, or pretend they are not happening then they last longer and feel a lot more powerful.

When you feel an emotion you need to go surfing.

Just as a surfer rides a wave you need to allow yourself to rise up on the crest of the emotion. You need to get uncomfortable. You need to listen to what that discomfort is telling you. If you try to fight it then it will get worse.

If you listen to that discomfort and follow that discomfort to find the need under the feelings you are experiencing then you will ride that wave to the end and emerge with the emotion in the past.

Sometimes it can be hard to sit with that discomfort. Maybe you have never learned to feel safe with the discomfort. Maybe you don’t know how to search for the need that underlies the emotions.

If you come to see me about emotions you are experiencing, I will always help you sit with those emotions and listen to the discomfort that is there. You can learn to do this and sometimes you need help to learn.

Anger, frustration and resentment are emotions that frequently trouble people. These emotions however are secondary emotions. They come on top of another emotion.

You could liken those emotions to an iceberg. What you see on the surface is the emotion of anger, frustration or resentment.

What is underneath the water is often sadness, pain, fear, disappointment and loss. These emotions have often been laid down in childhood when things happened that you couldn’t process properly either because you didn’t understand what had happened, or because you didn’t have the skills to process them.

Once you learn how to explore and identify your secondary emotions, you can start healing the primary emotions that you have carried around since childhood.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with managing your emotions, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

10 ways to fit self-care into your day

Self-care is something you often hear people talking about. A whole industry has arisen around self-care. There is no shortage of retreats, classes, books, podcasts, YouTube videos and so on to help with that.

Self-care is important. It is not an option. Without self-care you are at risk of burnout and overwhelm. Self-care is essential for you to be able to function day to day, manage your work, and cope with unexpected crises.

Yet self-care remains something that many people know they need, but just can’t find the time, or money, to do.

But self-care does not have to involve large chunks of your time. It doesn’t have to look like a retreat, yoga class, hour at the gym, hour of anything.

Self-care also does not require money. You don’t have to go to retreats, classes, the gym. Self-care can be done without any expenditure.

Self-care can be small chunks of time. All those small chunks of time can build up and amount to a powerful amount of self-care. And that self-care can give you strength, resilience and confidence that equips you to resolve the challenges in life more easily.

When I teach mindfulness, a great self-care practice, I teach to spend 5 minutes a day being mindful.

I suggest that during the day, when waiting for things, you can also practice mindfulness. When at traffic lights, when waiting in a queue, while waiting for the kettle to boil, when waiting to pick your children up from school, these are all times you can fit in micro moments of self-care in the form of mindfulness.

Those tiny moments of self-care – time for yourself – can reset your mental state, boost your energy, alleviate stress and promote happiness.

10 things you can do for micro moments of self-care:

• 5 minute mindfulness. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Sit comfortably, allow your eyes to close or soften your focus. Breathe in deeply and slowly and let your breath out gently. Focus on the in and out breath. If any thoughts come into your mind, just acknowledge them and let them go. It is like someone coming into a waiting room, you notice they are there then you go back to what you were doing when they came in. At the end of the 5 minutes return to normal activities.
Practice this every day so that it becomes something you easily do.

• Make yourself a cup of tea/coffee/other warm drink. Sit somewhere away from your desk, somewhere where you will not be interrupted. Hold the cup in your hands. Feel its warmth. Breathe in the steam. Smell the drink. Take gentle sips. Savour them. When you are finished go back to your normal activities.

• Stand outside in the fresh air, preferably where you can see vegetation. If you can lean against a tree it is even better. Research has shown the calming effect of vegetation lowers blood pressure and helps regulate emotions.
If you can’t see vegetation then look up at the sky. Notice if there are clouds, birds, colours in the sky.
Doing this allows you to reset your mind and inject some calm into your day.

• On the way to work/doing chores take the time to notice the sky, to notice bird sounds, wind through the trees, water lapping, and so on. Look for things around you that are pleasing to look at and take a moment to acknowledge them. Even watching a happy dog smiling at its owner on its morning walk is pleasing for many people. Or seeing a small child excitedly skip along a footpath. There are myriad things you can notice if you look for them.

• Spend 5 minutes doing star jumps, running on the spot, stretches – any physical activity that you enjoy.

• Dance to a song you hear on the radio.

• Laugh at things you find funny.

• Hug a friend.

• Say hello to the person you buy your coffee from, or the cashier at the supermarket, or someone waiting for the bus with you. Admire a cute dog or a happy baby in a pram. Look for opportunities to interact with another person.

• Take the time to sit down and eat a meal. No rushing, no running off to attend to something. Just you and the meal. If you eat it with others enjoy their company. Just be there with your meal.

Set reminders on your phone and in your calendar to make those micro moments and make them count.

Self-care is about loving and honouring yourself. Remember, if you don’t take the time to care for yourself you are not going to be able to care for others.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with reducing your stress and improving your self-care, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The Circle of Perspective

When you are in a difficult situation it can be hard to see a way out of it.

Often the way out of the situation is to change the perspective on that situation.

This is what I describe as moving around the circle of the problem.

Moving Around the Circle of the Problem

If you imagine the problem as an object in front of you.

Imagine there is a circle around the problem and you are standing on a spot on that circle.

The spot you are standing on is one of great difficulty with no seeming way out of the problem.

But what is you took a step to the left or right around the circle? What would the problem look like then?

Using the Circle of the Problem

This is something I have used for most of my adult life. It is something that is possible to learn and apply with determination and intention.

The next time you find yourself with a problem to solve try this.

Imagine yourself standing on a circle looking at the problem.

Then imagine you are taking a step to the left or right. As you take that imaginary step, do so with the intention of seeking the problem from a different angle.

It is amazing how solvable a problem looks when you just take a step to one side or another of a problem.

Take Time to Consider the Problem

Sometimes you need time to sit with a problem before you are able to see it from another perspective.

There are many ways to give yourself time.

Sometimes sleeping on the problem can be a good way to prepare to take that step. Things are always easier to attend to when you are well rested.

You can also put the problem aside and do something else. Maybe you decide to have a walk, go out with friends, meditate.

Find a Trusted Confidant to Share the Problem With

Another way of preparing to take that step is to discuss the problem with someone else who is prepared to listen and be your sounding board. The ideal person will listen and ask questions to allow you to explore your feelings around the problem and to test the various solutions you may consider or different perspectives you may have. You need someone who can be neutral and not push their solution on you.

This is where a counsellor can be very helpful. We are trained to listen and help you explore all options and your feelings around them.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your problem, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The Energy Of All Things – 11 Ways To Raise Your Energy.

When I talk to people about all things having an energy, even inanimate objects, they often look at me as though I am weird. But do you know that Albert Einstein theorised this very thing? Quantum science has now proven Einstein’s theory by using sensitive instruments to measure the energy objects give off.

Nikola Tesla, who pioneered modern electrical systems spoke of the understanding of the Universe being unlocked by measuring energy, frequency and vibrations.

Energy Vibrations

Vibrations are best defined as being states of being. As the energy given off by something or someone. Vibrations exist because the atoms that are the building blocks of all things vibrate. Different types of atoms vibrate at different speeds. Even things like wood, rocks, the ground vibrate.

This is where the trendy term “vibes” comes from. The theory of all things vibrating at different frequencies.

Often that term is misused by people who don’t understand the true meaning of vibrations or the science behind them.

We Can All Sense Energy Vibrations

It is possible for animals and people to sense vibrations. We don’t consciously do it. Vibrations are part of non verbal communication. We can detect such communication without being aware we are doing it. Of course you can consciously choose to become aware of these sensations, but in reality you pick them up anyway.

You give off vibrations all the time. You can’t not do it.

I realised this many years ago when people always seemed to pick up on the days when I had a low mood, even though I deliberately suppressed it and didn’t tell others how I was feeling.

Energy Attracts Or Repels

In life those vibrations are what often attract or repel us to/from other people. It is why you may avoid a particular person when you are feeling down because you have sensed subconsciously that their negative energy will drag you down.

If you are feeling lacking in energy, or depressed, you are likely to give off lower frequency vibrations than at times when you are feeling upbeat, happy, full of energy. If you are angry the vibrations you give off will be different again.

Energy is A Vital Part of Intuition

If you pay attention to these deep seated messages, the ones that get bundled into the term “intuition”, you will become aware of the way some people attract you and others repel you.

Interestingly researchers have devised a scale for the energy levels of different emotions. The scale ranges from zero to 1,000. This is how various feelings have been ranked:

• 20 – shame

• 100 – fear

• 200 – courage, being willing to take responsibility for your own actions and feeling and also the first level of empowerment. Interesting to know that empowerment has an energy ranking!

• 500 – love

• 700 – enlightenment

Reiki, a form of energy healing, has been found to have the capacity to raise a person’s personal vibration. This also impacts on the Reiki practitioner which explains why not only my client but I also experience higher energy after I perform a Reiki healing on my client.

All Energy Levels Are Important To Experience

As with all things in life, it is important to experience the highs and the lows. Those lower energy experiences are not pleasant, but they are the place where we are able to learn, change and grow.

As part of mindfulness practice, I teach clients to pay attention to their energy levels. What am I feeling now? What is my energy? It is possible to develop awareness of your energy levels and even work at ways to improve your energy.

Once your energy starts to lift is keeps lifting. High energy attracts more energy, whereas low energy repels energy.

11 Ways To Raise Your Energy

There are 11 ways you can bring yourself out of a low energy state and into higher vibration energy.

1.Gratitude.

Making a conscious decision to see the things to be thankful for increases your energy vibrations. Remembering that at the energy vibration of 200 you are empowered, raising that energy level will lead to you feeling more powerful. Understanding that you have that control, that life is full of things to be thankful for, increases your wisdom as well.

2.Moving Your Body

Moving your body can also raise your energy vibrations. Conversely, sitting too long will drop them.

Have you ever noticed how you resist moving when you are feeling resentful and wanting to hold on to that feeling? Once you start moving through rhythmic movement it is hard to maintain that level of energy.

Dancing, especially to music is one of the most effective ways to move your body and raise those energy vibrations. You can dance at an exercise class or dance at home on your own. Research suggests that 10 minutes of moving to your favourite music will start shifting your energy vibrations upwards.

3.Eat Nutrient Dense Foods

Food has its own energy vibration. The more nutrient dense the food is, the better the energy vibration.

Have you ever noticed how weighed down you feel after indulging in a lot of junk food? Even alcohol can reduce your energy levels.

On the flip side, you may have noticed that when you eat well you feel so much lighter.

Food has a major impact on your energy vibrations.

4.Meditation

As I have already mentioned, Mindfulness meditation trains you to be aware of your body. You can better understand your own energy vibrations and be better able to address those issues that lower your energy.

5.Touch

There has been a lot of research over the past decade or so on the benefits of touch.

The finding that premature babies do better when they are touched has led to skin to skin contact with their parents becoming common practice. This has led to better outcomes and higher survival rates among these babies.

Research has also found the negative impact of the lack of touch for the elderly living in nursing homes or isolated at home.

Simply touching someone on the arm when they are distressed is comforting. If you have ever had someone do that to you then you will probably be aware of that comforting sensation. It is soothing, sends the message you are not alone and that someone cares. In fact researchers have found that touch can be a very effective pain relief.

Massage is a form of touch that is particularly powerful. It has been shown to rebalance hormones and reduce cortisol (stress hormone) levels.

Touch releases a powerful hormone often referred to as the love hormone. This hormone is oxytocin. It assists people to feel that sense of connection and safety. It also increases energy vibrations. Higher energy of course means you will feel better and happier.

6.Giving and Receiving

Withholding love, time or even making negative comments about others lowers your energy frequency. Conversely, being generous with your praise, love and time raises your energy. Making the effort to give to others generously increases what you receive as well. So everyone benefits.

7.Be with Positive People

When you spend time with friends who have a high energy it raises your energy as well. This is why it is sometimes better when you are feeling low to make the decision to go out and set the intention to enjoy yourself. That raises your energy so it doesn’t bring your friends down and their high energy raises yours.
If the friends you are with understand your difficulties and want to support you then you can raise your energy higher.

8.Make the Decision to Open Your Heart.

Is there someone in your life, either now or in the past, who you loved so much that even thinking about them made you feel happy and lighter?

Did thinking about them make you feel better and that your mood lifted?

Love is one of the highest energy vibration states you can experience. When you love someone your energy is always raised and you feel on top of the world.

Loving yourself is also important. When you spend time caring for you and doing nice things for you that lifts your mood as well.

A great example of that is when you get a new outfit that you feel looks great on you. Or you get a new hairstyle and you are very happy with that. You walk out feeling on top of the world. This is self love.

9.Breathing

When life is stressful you tend to take shallow, quick breaths. This sends a message to your brain that you are in danger and increases cortisol levels in your body. The more you shallow breathe the higher the cortisol levels rise.

It is important to breathe slowly and deeply when you start to feel stressed. There are various ways you can deepen your breathing and slow it down.

• One is to breathe in for 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4 and wait for 4 before taking the next breath.

• Another is to breathe in, paying attention to your tummy and chest as they rise. You may like to place a hand over your chest and another over your tummy and focus on feeling them rise as you slowly breathe in. If you are breathing properly you will feel them both rise.
When you finish the in breath hold your breath for a few seconds.
Then breathe out slowly through pursed lips.
After a few breaths you can imagine you are breathing in peace as you breathe in and breathing out tension as you breathe out.
It is a good idea to do this exercise until you feel calmer.
A minimum of 10 breaths works best.

10.A Nice Warm Bath

If you like baths then you can try the old favourite of a lovely bath. Lock the door, dim the lights, light some candles and add some lovely bath oils to the water. You could even play some relaxing music.

Make sure the water is quite warm but not so hot it makes you sweat.

Water is a great energy lifter and many people find this practice relaxing and energising.

11.Be In Nature

Extensive research has shown the benefits of being in nature. Blood pressure lowers, cortisol levels lower and people feel more relaxed. Your energy levels also rise.

Even looking at pictures of nature is relaxing and energising, although no substitute for the real thing.

If you are not close to bushland then going to a park or the beach is effective.

Place your feet flat on the ground and pay attention to the feeling in the soles of your feet as you connect to the ground. Feel the energy of the earth as it enters your feet, then moves up your body. Don’t worry if you can’t feel it immediately, it can take time to learn to connect to energy.

Another thing you can do is hug or touch a tree. It is not a joke, you really can feel the energy of the tree by touching it.

Sitting listening to the sounds of the trees in the breeze, to birds, insects is calming. If you go to the beach you can stand bare foot at the ends of the water and allow the waves to gently touch your feet. Listen to the sound of the waves, the wind, and the birds.

All these things are really relaxing and energising.

If you have a garden, spending time out in the garden with your plants and the grass can also be energising.

I Practice What I Preach

I am often asked what I do to manage with the big stories and low energy of so many beautiful souls who come to see me.

Firstly I reply that it is a privilege to work with such strong survivors, battered as they are, they are determined to heal.

Second I reply that I have my own practices that keep my energy high so that I can share that energy with those who come to see me.

I do follow the 11 ways in my own life, here are some of the things I do:

• Gratitude. I have a daily practise of writing down 10 things I am grateful for at the end of each day. I also make not during the day of anything I think is wonderful and express gratitude for it. Examples of this are: a beautiful sunrise, watching the birds in my garden, seeing a dog smiling up at its owner as it is being walked, someone letting me out of the end of my street in heavy traffic, a child running around with delight and so many more.
I make my entire day an opportunity to express gratitude.
I also set the intention that I am not going to get annoyed by the things other people do. To counter annoyance I look for something good to say about that person. That quickly defuses any annoyance I may be feeling.

• Moving my body. I dance to music, walk through the bush, and never miss an opportunity to express my delight through movement.

• Eating nutrient dense food: I delight to eat as many wholefoods as I can, while avoiding foods high in sugar. I eat a lot of vegetables, which I love. I have learned to take the time to notice what I am eating and enjoy it, and by doing that needing less food. I love how good my body feels when I eat nutrient dense foods.

• Mindfulness and other meditation. I get up early every morning and start the day with meditation. Sometimes I listen to a guided meditation, sometimes I listen to music and focus on the music. Other times I focus on my breath. After I am finished I stretch my body then meditatively paint.
As a Reiki practitioner I meditate on the 5 Reiki Principles to release my investment in staying hurt and angry, to release worry and be mindful of the present moment, to be grateful and appreciate all the wonders and blessings of life, to do my work diligently, even seemingly small insignificant tasks and to show compassion for all living things.
This is a wonderful way to reset and to set the tone of the rest of the day.

• Touch. I love giving and receiving hugs. I hug my family, my dogs, my friends. I grew up in a family that never touched. Learning how to hug opened up my world in such a powerful way.
I also schedule regular massages to help settle my nervous system.

• Giving and Receiving. I give compassion and acceptance to as many people as I can. When I encounter other people I choose to consider their needs and what is happening in their lives rather than find fault or take offense with what they do.
When I am hurt by the things of life, or feeling overwhelmed I have a beautiful tribe of women I can turn to for support. I have learned to be very proactive in seeking help.

• Be with positive people. I have found in my life that being with the people I know who lift my energy is important. It helps that those people are such beautiful, caring people. I have also learned to not take on the negative energy of others.
I also have made the decision to not have contact with people who are overwhelmingly negative and sap my energy. This is about honouring my needs and my self care.

• I choose to open my heart and risk having friendships with other people. I know that if I am burned in that relationship I will hurt and need time to feel that hurt and heal from it. But I am strong enough to survive.
I will continue to risk hurt by opening myself to friendships.

• Breathing. As part of my meditative practice I focus on my breathing and on breathing deeply and slowly. Because I practice this it is easy for me to practice slowing and deepening my breathing when I am in a stressful situation.

• I do on occasion have a nice warm bath. It is a lovely way to destress.

• Be in nature. As often as I can I go out into nature. I hug trees, sit at their base, sit beside water as it runs past in creeks and cascades. I gaze at the sky, noting the clouds and the colours of the sky. I look for the moon and the different constellations of stars in the night sky. I listen for the sounds of the birds in the day and the flying foxes and owls at night. I love to walk amongst the trees and look up at their magnificence and delight in the wonder of them. Even if I can’t get out into the bush there are places near where I live where trees tower over the footpath and I can gaze up at them.
It is not hard to incorporate the 11 ways to raise your energy into your life. Why not try it yourself?

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to raise your energy, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

3 Questions That May Help You With Those Thoughts That Go Around And Around In Your Head

So many people struggle with thoughts that go around and around in their heads. Not nice thoughts, but ones that bother you and destroy your enjoyment of activities during waking hours. Thoughts the keep you aware at 1am, 2am, 3am and so on.

If you are going to be thinking in circles about something then why not turn your thoughts to seeing if you can resolve the issue that is bothering.

Here are the questions to ask:

Am I Aware How Long I Have Been Having This Thought?

Have you actually been thinking about this thing for a long time, or does it just feel like it. Maybe it is a thought that keeps repeating and it just seems to be going round in your head.

The next question to ask yourself is”

2. Is now a good time to be thinking about this?

If the thought is bothering you the answer is probably no.

Then you need to ask yourself the next question:

3. Is There Something I Am Avoiding?

So often something that is bothering you spins around in your mind but you don’t explore it. This is often because the thought is so overwhelming that you don’t feel you can manage what comes next.

The reality is, exploring this thought further can help you resolve it.

When those distressing thoughts revolve in your mind they are often indicators of something deeper that needs processing. This is why you ask the question.

When you ask the question be prepared to sit with the question and wait for the answer to arise.

When the answer comes to you, allow yourself to explore it further:

• Where in your body is the thought?

• How long has it been there in your body?

• What is the thought about? There is often something that you have not processed that is bugging you until you process it.

• Is now a good time to work through this thought? You might be at work, or it may be the middle of the night and you feel you can’t attend to it. If that is so then set a time to attend to it. Visualise yourself putting the thought on that time and tell yourself that is when it will be dealt with.

When Exploring A Question Doesn’t Bring Relief Try Something Else

Sometimes recurring thoughts are too difficult to resolve, and you may need help. It is unlikely you will get help immediately. In the interim you may need to put that thought aside until you can attend to it.

If this recurring thought is during the day then change what you are doing and do something that will occupy your mind.

Maybe you want to do something that requires your full attention.

Maybe you want to talk to someone.

A change of scenery can dislodge that thought. Try changing where you are working. If you can, go for a walk.

Observation using your senses can also be useful.

• Look around you.

• Name 5 things you can see.

• Now name 5 things you touch. Name what they feel like to touch.

• Now name 5 things you can smell. Name them.

• Name 5 things you can hear and describe what you are hearing.

If it is the early hours of the morning, rather than tossing and turning, unable to get back to sleep and those thoughts just going on and on then get up and do something else for a little while.

Maybe you have a good book to read. Maybe you can listen to music. Just choose something that will not wake you up too much and so that thing until you feel able to go back to sleep.

Most people find it takes half an hour or so before they have cleared their mind enough to go back to sleep. If you can’t, allow yourself to accept that and find something enjoyable and restful to do. Yes you may be tired the next morning, but you will be less stressed. Maybe you will sleep better the next night.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your incessant thoughts or attending to the underlying issues, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

You Are Unique And Your Way Of Responding To Life Events Is Unique Too

One of the biggest worries that is presented to me in sessions is the feeling of having reacted to something the wrong way.

This is so common I thought I would write about it today.

Have you had this happen to you?

Something happens and you feel strong emotions and respond based on those emotions. But then others judge you because they don’t agree with your response. And you feel you were wrong and judge your feelings as being irrational and incorrect.

It is always important in these moments to remember that you are hearing another person’s individual response. It is unique to them and is obviously different to your response.

Even if the other person is backed up in judging your response, it does not make you wrong.

Who you are, and your view of the world, is based on what you have experienced in life. Your authentic reaction to something is correct for you. No two people will react to an event in the same way.

Some people are frightened when people react to things differently to them. They may feel frightened and want to dampen their response. If you don’t do that their fear may drive them to judge you and tell you that you were wrong. That is fear talking, not a judgement on you.

All reactions to events are valid.

Obviously, some reactions are morally wrong and even may be illegal. Assaulting someone is not the right thing. But being angry at them can be valid.

Allow those events where you feel you reacted differently to others to be opportunities for reflection. You can reflect on your feelings and how you reacted. If you were angry with someone you can congratulate yourself on not hitting them but reacting in a more productive way. Just because another person chose to retreat and avoid addressing the situation does not make you wrong. All it does is make you different and unique.

Remember to not take on board other people’s issues. If someone judges you for the way you respond to a situation, don’t take that on board. Don’t own their stuff. It is theirs, give it back to them. Own your stuff because it does belong to you.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with understanding yourself and being okay with yourself, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

6 Benefits Of Journalling Your Grief and Trauma

Grief and Trauma are experienced by most people in very similar ways.

The most common ones experienced are:

• There are a lot of emotions.

• Most people experience confusion and disorientation.

• Your trust in the world may be shattered.

• You are likely to feel you have lost your understanding of who you are.

What Research Demonstrates About Journalling

Journalling has been shown by researchers to be a powerful approach to use in healing.

The act of putting thoughts, feeling and experiences on paper allows you to experience them differently.

How To Journal

What you put on paper doesn’t have to be coherent. Early on in the experience of grief you may find words impossible to put down.

This is when other ways of expressing yourself in the journal work effectively.

If you can find a Visual Art Diary that is a good note pad to use for journalling. The pages are blank and thicker than a writing diary. This allows you to use other media if you need to.

Drawing, even if it is just squiggles on the paper, can express what you have no words for.

Painting also is effective.

Some people use collage. They draw great comfort from cutting out pictures and words and sticking them on the paper.

Even if you write random words you can find that an effective way to express yourself.

The Benefits of Journalling

This journalling is a way to express and witness your grief. It allows you to see your experience from a different perspective. It can help you to realise things you may not have been aware of. It gives you a greater understanding of what you are experiencing.

Journalling is also a way to share your story with others, should you decide to show another person your journal.

The journal can also be a beautiful legacy of love.

Another benefit of journalling is that it allows you to put your thoughts where you can see them. Instead of having those thoughts playing over and over again in your mind, you can put them on paper. Putting those thoughts on paper is a wonderful way to release them, to allow yourself to look at them from a different perspective and maybe see them differently.

The 6 benefits of Journalling:

It helps you to process your grief.
It gives what you are feeling a structure. You may name what you are experiencing and that naming of the feeling is important for processing it. In addition it gives you permission to experience that feeling, whereas you may have pushed it aside had you not taken the time to put it on paper.
Grief and trauma happen to you and are out of your control. When you put your feelings on paper you gain control over those feelings and your life.
By putting your experience on paper you change the story. I have written before about the stories we tell ourselves in life. You get to write the story of your grief and journalling allows you to do that.
Journalling allows you to step back, even if just a little. This allow you to see the whole story of your grief. It allows you to move on from parts of your story that you may be stuck in.
Journalling helps you to acknowledge and experience your feelings. Putting your experience on paper allows you to feel seen and heard. If you show others they can understand better that you are going through. They can discover things you may struggle to put into words.

Can I Help?

Sometimes you may not have anyone to witness your grief. Or you may find that other people don’t understand. Or you may feel you are not grieving ‘properly’ and need guidance and reassurance. This is where seeing a grief trained counsellor can help.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and/or trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

5 Steps To Calm Down When You Are Feeling Overwhelmed

It is really hard to manage life when things happen that make you feel overwhelmed.

Maybe you are running late and encountering things that slow you down. You can feel the sensation of panic rising and feel anxious. You may even start to feel angry and feel like acting out that anger.

Maybe you are in a situation where your have someone else demanding answers from you. They may also be forceful in their conversation, or angry. Or it may just be they are being forceful in what they are saying and their expectation you give an answer now.

You may find yourself in a situation where you are being yelled at and you are feeling overwhelmed and frightened.

Or you may be in any number of situations where you feel overwhelmed and unable to cope.

What Happens When You Are Overwhelmed

When you encounter a situation like one of the ones described above, your brain interprets it as a threat and your defence strategies kick in. Overwhelm is a form of fight or flight response.

You are in a situation where you feel you have to fight or flee.

When you are running late you may be feeling desperate to get to your destination on time. You have no control over the situation. If you did, you would not be running late. Everything that happens to slow you down is another thing that you have no control over. The situation feels unsafe and your brain takes you into a form of panic that is part of the fight/flight response.

When you feel you are being threatened by another person’s insistence you answer, that is an unsafe situation. You definitely want to run or fight that one. The feelings of overwhelm are enhanced by the feeling you are not safe and maybe have limited control over the situation.

It is the same with you feeling overwhelmed and frightened by someone yelling at you.

Other people may not perceive the situation as threatening. But you do and that is what your brain responds to.

It Is Okay To Feel Overwhelmed.

It is not wrong to feel threatened so be kind to yourself.

I am going to teach you a mindfulness exercise that, if practised regularly, can be helpful when used in a situation of overwhelm.

If you can get away somewhere to take a few moments to calm, then do. If not do this on the spot.

It is helpful of you practice this exercise every day so that you are able to use it to its maximum benefit when you are needing to calm yourself.

The Calming Exercise.

1. If you can go somewhere quiet, then do that. Otherwise just turn your thoughts into yourself. You need to feel safe and this is where practising this exercise daily can help you to feel safe even when in a stressful situation.

Tell yourself you are going to calm down now. This is known as setting an intention.

Take three deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. You can slightly open your lips and breathe out through your mouth without it being obvious.

Just allow the air to flow out without forcing it.

After three deep breaths breathe naturally.

Now focus on your face. As you breathe, feel your forehead relax, then your eyes, your jaw, the rest of your face. Imagine that as you breathe out you are breathing out tension in your face.

Now focus on releasing the tension in your neck, shoulders, chest and belly.
Picture a beautiful, welcoming light pouring out of your heart. Imagine you are surrounded and protected by this light.
Say to yourself the following intentions:

a. May I be free from suffering

b. May I find peace and joy
Now picture someone you know but don’t get along very well with. Do not picture an abuser or bully who is really frightening. That is overwhelming. Just picture someone you don’t particularly get along with.

Consider that person has their own issues and like you wants to feel safe.

Say the following intentions for them:

a. May you be free from suffering

b. May you find peace and joy.
Now pay attention to your breathing, your body and your thoughts. Do you feel calmer now?

The purpose of this exercise is to deepen your breathing to reset your brain to calm down. Then you consciously release tension held in your body. After that you set intentions for you that are safe and calming. Then you look outside yourself to someone else and with them well. This helps to make the situation you are in more objective so that it feels more manageable and less stressful.

As I said earlier, practise this exercise every day so that it will be second nature when you really need it and will work much better to help you calm down.

Can I Help?

If you would like to learn more about how to calm down when overwhelmed and how to release the triggers that lead to your overwhelm, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How The Stories You Give To Your Life Assist With Your Grief

There is a lot to talk about in this topic, so the blog is very long. Allow several minutes to read it, or read it in stages.

All people have a major thing in common. We give meaning to everything in life.

We organise events into a narrative, or story, that allows us to form a sense of continuity and meaning in our lives.

Grief is no different.

We assign meaning to losses and these meanings impact the course of our bereavement.

Assumptions about the nature of life, love, suffering, human vulnerabilities and death inform a lot of the meaning we give to life. We source these assumptions mainly from our culture and our life experiences.

One Story: The Assumption They Were The Only One Who Loved Me

One thing I see a lot in my work is where a person loses someone they love and feels rejected by others in the period after the loss.

Maybe that has been your experience? In which case you may relate to the story that forms where the person who died is the only one who loved you.

As a result of this story you may push others away because of your hurt.

Loss Hurts

Loss hurts BUT memories and what the one you loved has left behind will continue and can help you find a meaningful, productive and hopeful path forward.

So much of loss can involve deep despair and it is impossible to express that loss in words, especially early on in your grief.

It is during this time you may find it hard for your story to be heard.

Putting Your Story Together

You may not have a story that makes sense, even to you. You may not be able to put your story into words. You may need to talk about events before you can put together a story that makes sense.

Maybe those close to you are hurting too and aren’t able to hear your story.

Maybe friends are too busy to hear your story.

Grief groups can be helpful but they only work if others in the group are able to listen and not impose their own agenda on your telling of the story.

This is where a counsellor who specialises in grief can be helpful. I am such a counsellor, and my interest is in hearing your story and allowing you to tell it. I know how important that story is.

Questions To Explore During Your Time of Grief

Some questions that can be helpful to consider are:

• What should I do with this sense of meaninglessness?

• What did my loved one’s life mean?

• What did I learn from them?

• How should I make good use of all the love they gave me?

History Of Beliefs Around Grief

At the end of the nineteenth century, when modern psychological theory was born, it was believed that grief had an end point.

The theory stated that to grieve properly you had to sever attachment to the one who died. Continuing to have an emotional bond with the person was considered pathological!

By the 1940s the time limit of 4-6 weeks was suggested as the correct length of time to grieve!

This is where the belief that you had to ‘get over’ grief and get over it quickly came about.

Many people tell me they encounter others who suggest that now the funeral is over it is time to be over the death! The harm caused by that belief is significant.

It is now known that the brain has to make major changes to its neural networks after the loss of a loved one and that takes months.

Missing My Mother

When my mother was alive she used to ring me every week. I lived overseas and was very isolated with no one to share events in my life with. My mother was that person I talked to.

Then she was dead and there were no weekly catch ups. Things happened in my life and there was no one to share those events with. I missed her.

I mentioned this to my brothers and the response was that I obviously needed to see someone because what I was experiencing wasn’t normal. Of course they were wrong, but at the time I didn’t know that.

More Recent Understanding Of Grief

By the 1980s beliefs around grief had expanded the grieving time to two years. Attachment to the dead was seen as being important. There was emotional energy in the relationship and it was believed you had to withdraw that energy and pour it into other people instead.

This slowly transformed to an understanding that memorialising the person instead of withdrawing emotional energy was actually what was needed.

It was still believed that people would “recover” and go back to normal.

How Grief Is Understood Today

There have been great advances in grief understanding since then and the word “recovery” has been replaced by words such as adaptation, re-integration, management, coping or transformation.

Recovery is considered to portray grief as something minor and fails to acknowledge the importance of loss and something that is not repairable.

The main understanding today is that you “don’t get over” grief.

Life never returns to how it was. Part of working through your grief involves learning how to adjust to the new reality without the one you love.

Ways You May React To The Death Of A Loved One

Grief reactions and responses typically involve:

• emotional distress,

• depressed mood,

• confusion,

• difficulty sleeping,

• forgetfulness,

• crying a lot,

• feeling a range of emotions, seemingly with no control over them,

• loss of interest in forming new relationships and goals,

• disruption of sense of self, worldview and life narrative.

Problems can arise when, over a long period of time:

• it is hard to accept the loss,

• there is preoccupation with the deceased,

• loss of identity and role in life

• and loss of purpose and goals for the future.

This is a situation where counselling interventions are required.

Grief Is Not Full Time

When you are grieving, you don’t spend every waking moment engaged in grief. In the initial period when you are likely to feel numb it is more likely you will be preoccupied with what has happened, but over the next few days you will start to spend time living.

You do take time away from grief. Your brain can’t manage if you don’t. You also need to live. You need to eat, drink, sleep, shower, care for others and so on.

You do need time to grieve, but you also need time to:

• learn the new reality

• develop new roles in your life

• develop a new identity without your loved one

• develop new relationships both to your loved one and those around you.

It is important to also understand that grief is not just something within you, it is also something that is between you and other people around you:

It involves:

• your world view and changes you may need to make to it,

• reconstructing meaning in your life

• forming a continuing bond with your loved one

• reconstructing your identity

• making positive changes in your life as you adjust to your grief.

Meaning Making

There are two aspects to making meaning of loss. These are:

• Assimilating the loss into the assumptions you made about life before your loss and the self narrative you had. This approach allows you to maintain a sense of continuation with your life before the one you loved died.

• Accommodate to the loss by dealing with previous assumptions about life by reorganising, expanding, or replacing them. This will often result in positive changes and personal growth that allow you to continue with life.

To do this three things need to happen:

Sense making – you need to make sense of your life now,
Benefit finding – you need to find a benefit either in the death of the person or your growth as a result of that loss. You may find you grow in your knowledge and sense of competence in your life, you gain valuable perspectives about life, develop stronger relationships with others and establish valuable connections.
Identity change – It has been known for thousands of years that pain leads to growth. After the initial disorganisation of grief you go through a long period of growth alternating with the pain of loss. As the pain of loss becomes more bearable you continue to grow.

What Grief Involves

Grief involves you allowing yourself to feel the pain and all the emotions associated with your loss. Then you will start to reorganise your life and develop a new identity. In the process you will change your worldview to incorporate your experience of grief. You will rebuild yourself and develop a new narrative (story) of your life that includes the grief experience.

This is meaning making.

The type of meaning you make will include the culture of your society and family and how these two cultures understand death. There are different ways of expressing grief, different rituals around mourning, different ideas about what is normal and how to relate to the one who has died. This will have a major impact on how you make meaning of the death of your loved one.

Your outlook on life will also have a deep influence. If you are someone who tends to see the positives in life you are more likely to look for the positives in your experience. This doesn’t mean you won’t experience any pain, but it does mean you will seek to find positive meaning in your grief.

Ultimately, how you view grief will depend on your outlook on life, how your family perceives death and how your culture conceptualises grief.

Why Meaning Making?

When your losses challenge or even shatter the meaning you have given to your life you search for new meaning. Making meaning of their loss is how you understand and make sense of their loss. During this process you will reconstruct that meaning through making sense of what has happened, seeking to find a benefit in your new reality, and identifying the way you have changed.

Strategies to Make Meaning

One of the main ways to make meaning is through storytelling. This is why it is important to have someone to tell your story to. This is where seeing a counsellor can be helpful.

As you tell your story of loss again, and again. As you remember details and share them, even adding them into the overall narrative, you start to gain a sense of the loss of that person.

Your story may be about things you would love to tell the one who is gone.

Your story may be about things that didn’t happen, but you wish had. Or it may be about things that did happen that are now causing pain.

In your story you may be able to find an understanding about the things your loved one did.

The story may involve gaining permission to grieve. This is particularly important if you were not allowed to show emotion to your loved one in their life.

It may also involve an exploration about what death is and how you and the one you loved felt about death. You may even tell a story about whether you believed the death was preventable.

It is important to remember that not all meanings are positive. Some people include a lot of regret in their story. They may believe something could have been done to prevent the death.

Over time, even those less positive meanings can be incorporated in a large, more positive meaning. That doesn’t mean all deaths are positive. It is hard to see a positive in death due to murder, or an accident for example. But it is possible to see positives in what you were able to do after death. Maybe being able to honour their life in some way can be the positive that came out of their death.

Who Am I Now The One I Love Is Dead?

When you love someone your identity includes that person. When that person dies part of your identity is challenged.

You exist as a person in a relationship. But if the other person in that relationship is dead then who are you now?

You may have been a partner, child, parent, friend to the one who died. Now they are dead, who are you? What is your identity now?

Your life had plans, hopes and dreams that included your loved one. What is your life now without them?

Telling your story, over and over helps to put your loss in order and start making sense of it. You can celebrate who they were, cherish the memories you have of them, and feel grateful for what you gained from that relationship.

You also can express the negatives about losing that person. In fact that is what you will most likely spend the early part of acute grief focusing on. As time goes on the time spent on the negatives will become less and you will switch to celebrating their life, cherishing the memories you have of them and living your life to honour them.

Over time you can learn to understand yourself better and form an understanding about who you are. This is an important aspect of grieving.

The Importance Of Your Story

Part of being human involves constructing stories about your life.

Your stories will most likely include things that were important to you. They can be negative things and positive things.

All those stories contain meanings. It may not be obvious when you construct them, but telling others can help you to identify those meanings.

The stories you tell around grieving are not simply stories about the death, they are also stories that affirm life, everlasting love and consolation. Also contained in those stories are the pain, anguish and the often daunting challenges you faced in grief.

Recognising what you have been through and survived is valuable for you in recognising who you are and assists you to make further meaning about the loss of your loved one.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, telling your story and finding meaning in your experience please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au