Living Life – Page 6

The Cry For Help

Have you met someone who is constantly telling you their horror story of a traumatic past?

Maybe you do this yourself?

Many people will tell me they retell the story because they can’t let go of it.

I totally get that. I have told and retold my own trauma stories often.

I thought it was to have someone witness my story.

And to a certain extent that was correct. I did want my story witnessed. Just as many people who come to see me want their story witnessed.

I hear you, I believe you.

You want someone to say I hear you.

You want someone to say what was done to you was horrible. A child shouldn’t have been treated that way.

You want to hear the horrified reaction of your listener as they hear your horrible story.

It is important to be heard, believed, and have the extent of your trauma acknowledged.

But there is something more that prompts you to tell the story over and over.

I need help

It is the wounded child seeking help. When that story happened to you as a child, no one came to your assistance. You needed help. Desperately. And no help came.

The next time you feel the need to tell your story, ask yourself. Am I seeking help?

If the answer is yes, then you are the adult who can help your wounded child.

You may not feel able to help your wounded child, and that is where counselling from a trauma professional can be helpful.

And if it is someone you care about who needs help for their wounded child, don’t dismiss them. Listen, ask if their wounded child needs help, and encourage them to see a counsellor.

Can I help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your wounded child, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

15 Indicators That You May Need Healing From Your Past

Trauma is talked about a lot these days. It is hard to avoid mentions of it.

But understanding of what trauma looks like is rarer. Many people who come to see me are surprised to hear that their experiences are classified as trauma.

In addition, what one person finds traumatic is not necessarily traumatic to another person.

What is recognised as trauma

People readily accept serious accidents, death, physical abuse, sexual abuse or violence as major trauma. But what of the less obvious and well known sources of trauma.

Some less obvious sources of trauma are neglect, the divorce of your parents, bullying, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, minimising, denying and blaming, economic abuse, abuse of power, using coercion and threats, intimidation, isolation by others.

Identifying trauma in your past

How do you know if you have been exposed to trauma in the past, especially in your childhood years?

You may have memories of what you recognise as trauma. You may have memories of what you come to understand is trauma. Not all trauma is remembered, sometimes it is hidden away because the child you were when you suffered that trauma could not process the trauma and needed to forget it in order to survive. Sometimes the memory causes you great difficulties but only surfaces as you start to heal from the traumas in your life.

15 indicators of past trauma

Some indicators that you may be trying to survive with unhealed past trauma are:

Being very anxious or afraid for you safety or that of people who you care about.
Worry that bad things will happen. This can be a general worry about something bad happening.
Loss of focus or concentration.
Your academic performance being affected.
Noticing you are irritable with friends, family, people you work with, people generally.
Experiencing outbursts of anger and even aggression.
Withdrawal from other people or activities.
Avoiding school if you are still of school age.
Increasing physical problems such as headaches, stomach pain or chest pain.
Constantly thinking about or talking about an event from the past or worrying about the details of what has happened.
Reaction to noise, physical contact, loud unexpected noises, sirens, lighting, sudden movement is an under or over reaction.
Recurring nightmares/ disturbing and intrusive memories during the day.
Problems with sleep
Avoidance of places that remind you of difficult events in the past, or just avoiding places for no known reason.
Emotional numbness.

A Reflective Exercise To Explore Your Answers

Have you answered yes to any of these questions? Here is an exercise it would be helpful to complete. You can write in a journal, or even type on your computer, or record on your phone.

• Has any difficult or traumatic memory come to mind with these questions? Or failing that, what is the thought you are having around those questions you answered yes to?
Write a summary of the memory or the thoughts you are having.

• Have any of these memories affected your life? For example, are you having nightmares, experiencing sadness or anxiety?
Write down your answer to this question.

• When these memories or thoughts arise, what feelings are you noticing you are experiencing? They may include sadness, fear, guilt, shame, anger, worry, hurt, rejection, to name just a few.
Write down your answer to this question.

• When the unpleasant feelings arise what do you do to push them away and avoid them? Do you lash out at others, or eat food/drink alcohol/take drugs? Do you binge watch movies/TV series? Do you numb out on social media? Do you exercise? Or anything else to push them away.
Write down your answer to this question.

• When these memories or thoughts arise are you afraid that if you talk about them you will cry, or you will go crazy, or you will want to kill someone, or smash something?
Write down your answer to this question.

Exploring What You Have Answered

Read back over your answers. What do they tell you about how you are coping with difficult memories or thoughts? Are you surprised by what you discovered when you answered the questions and journalled?

If you answered yes to the original questions then you have unresolved trauma that is impacting you now.

Looking at your journal prompts you can see how you are being impacted.

Starting The Process of Healing

It can be helpful to talk to a trauma trained counsellor about the difficulties you are experiencing. It might not seem it, but allowing yourself to heal from the past will transform your present and your future.

Never forget that you are amazing to be here, now, having survived a difficult past. Healing is something you are capable of doing with help.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The Myth of Passive Aggressive Behaviour

There is a lot of misinformation about behaviour and its causes in the general community.

This leads to many terrible things being done to people who should be given understanding.

One popular thing to accuse people of is being Passive Aggressive. The label is freely applied to people but there is extremely limited understanding of what passive aggressive behaviour actually is.

The source of the myth

This myth is not helped by the fact that there used to be a “personality disorder” listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). This “disorder” labelled Passive Aggressive was dropped 20 years ago.

Despite this no longer being accepted as a disorder, the community persists in applying this label to people. People who exhibit this behaviour have had trauma in their pasts and need understanding, not misguided judgement.

What behaviour you may see in someone labelled as Passive Aggressive

• Often a perfectionist with very high standards of their own behaviour.

• Difficulty identifying what they want.

• Difficulty asking for help.

• Difficulty setting boundaries and saying no.

• Low Self Esteem.

• Sensitive to criticism.

• People pleaser who seeks to accommodate other people’s wants.

• Hates to disappoint people and can become very distressed when think they will.

• Frightened of taking initiative in relationships.

• Finds it hard to say no so will instead say yes but try to communicate no by hints or cancelling at last minute, often in great distress.

• Withdraws when someone is angry with them.

• Doesn’t make feelings, needs and wants known to others.

• Saying no leads to feelings of guilt and great anxiety that have upset other person and that they will be rejected for that.

• Expresses feelings through behaviour rather than words.

• Seek to avoid conflict at all costs.

• Taken advantage of by others.

• Feels like a victim.

• Often unaware of feelings. Can be angry and not aware of it.

• May resort to more subtle behaviours to communicate message such as being sarcastic or even fantasising about getting revenge.

• Often feels resentful.

• Can’t understand why others can’t see their needs. Desperately wants other to see them because it is not safe to express them.

• May sub consciously adopt “unhappy” behaviour as non verbal communication.

• Procrastination, inefficiency, stubborness and sullenness are some behaviours that may be used.

Dispelling the myth: what passive aggressive behaviour is actually about

When a child is unable to express their needs safely they will adopt other ways to communicate their needs. This is not a deliberate thing. It comes about because their brain seeks ways to communicate that are safe.

One way to do this is through non verbal communication.

So you may see “unhappy” behaviour, sullenness, procrastination as behaviours that communicate unhappiness. These are not adopted deliberately.

When it is not safe to express needs openly, then passive aggressive behaviours become a safer way to express those needs. That is why you will notice people dropping hints, or being reluctant to do what you ask, or looking sullen.

Have you been accused of passive aggressive behaviour?

When you have learned it is not safe to express your needs you will frequently feel you do not have the right to have needs. This is why you will struggle to set boundaries and say no.

You will also notice you seek to avoid conflict. But underneath you may feel great distress at the way things are happening.

Internally, you may find it hard to even acknowledge what you are feeling. You may feel you are judged by others for the way you feel. In fact, you are judged because of ignorance about your behaviour.

The pressure cooker of denied needs

You may have learned as a child to push down your feelings. In adulthood you continue to do this. Over time this pushing down creates a pressure cooker situation where your feelings will explode and you may express them in a number of ways. For example by being angry, or bursting into tears, or running away.

How to be less passive aggressive

Ultimately you need to be honest with youself about your feelings and learn to express them more assertively. It is important to be aware that not everyone will accept you being more assertive. When that happens the other person is acting out their own insecurities. This doesn’t make you wrong. But it will feel uncomfortable.

Be honest about your feelings.

Learn to express yourself. This will help prevent misunderstandings, hurt feelings and resentment.

Do you need help?

It is not easy to learn to feel safe expressing your needs. Healing the past and learning to let go of the protective behaviours that kept you safe, but no longer serve you, is hard.

It is particularly hard to do on your own.

This is where counselling can help.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you to learn how to effectively meet your needs please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How Conversation and Journalling Prompts can improve your Communication, Creativity and Self-Awareness as well as Boosting your Mental Health and Well-Being

Soon I will be resuming my live talks in my Facebook Group Plentiful Life Exploration.

Last year I always used some cards I own during the live talks.

The cards are called Deep Speak (by St Luke’s Resources) and aim to respect the right to a voice of all people.

These cards are designed to encourage people to tell their stories, offer opinions and listen to others when they tell their stories.

They also help you to learn more about yourself. This makes them wonderful as journalling prompts and for self reflection.

Today I am going to write my blog with some prompts for you.

If you would like to share your answers you can do so on my page Plentiful Life Counselling, or join my group Plentiful Life Exploration and comment there.

QUESTION ONE

The first question is an opener – to get the conversation started.

What was your favourite book as a child?

I would love to know what your book was.

Mine was Anne of Green Gables. I loved the way this unwanted girl found someone who wanted her and set about learning to be herself and to be able to achieve what she wanted in life. So inspiring.

How about you?

QUESTION TWO

The next question is one about identity. That is such a difficult thing for many people. Here is a question to help you explore who you are.

Do you have a favourite family story?

I would love to know what your story is.

Mine is that my grandfather, as a young 19 year old, had to leave Scotland to find work. He was supposed to sail to Canada where his older brothers were waiting.
But my Grandfather hated the cold. He got to the port and there was a ship sailing to Australia there as well. So he bought his ticket to Australia and got on the boat. Wow! He really hated the cold.

I have always been in awe of his courage to sail to a country where he knew no one and there would be no one to support him. He made a life for himself and survived very well. Such a wonderful role model.

QUESTION THREE

The next question is about relationships.

Have you ever been let down by a friend?

That is a challenging one. It hurts to be let down by someone. Often when you share your story other people judge it as being unimportant. But of course it is.

I would love to know what your story is.

Mine is that I had planned to take a trip with a friend to a new place I had never been before. We were going to stay a few days. I researched what we could do and where we could stay. I was so excited. Then my friend told me she was going to this place with another friend. I was so upset and felt so rejected by this. I never said anything to her but I felt she must have decided she didn’t want to go with me. In reality I suspect she had forgotten we had made this plan. I sometimes think it would have been better if at the time I had said that I thought we were going to go together and that I was disappointed. Instead I distanced myself from her and our relationship was never as close again.

QUESTION FOUR

The next question is about values. Values are so important. They guide how you see the world and how you relate to others.

How rich do you want to be?

That is seemingly simple. But many people hold values around wealth and the type of people who hold it.

For me, I want to have enough money to live comfortably in retirement. By comfortable I mean being able to pay my bills and have the odd treat. To not have to lie awake at night worrying about money.

QUESTION FIVE

The next question is about emotions. This is a lovely reflective question that allows you to explore who you are and how to regulate your feelings.

How do you control your anger?

I would love he hear how you do that.

Anger is so hard to control. I always try to remember to breathe deeply and slowly so that I can remain in control of my feelings. So often anger involves feeling in danger and needing to defend yourself. When that happens, the rational part of your brain is no longer accessible and it is impossible to control your feelings. Breathing deeply and slowly sends a message to the brain that you are safe. It allows you to be able to think about how you want to respond and allows you to choose a response that is helpful for you and others.

QUESTION SIX

The last question is about beliefs. This is another one that is important for you to understand about yourself and for others to learn about you.

Have you ever had something you’d call a spiritual experience?

I would love to hear from you.

Spiritual experiences cover a large range of things. They can include seeing a wonderful sunset and watching in awe at its beauty. They can include feeling the presence of a loved one who has died.

For me I have experienced both those things.

THE BENEFITS OF EXPLORING QUESTIONS LIKE THESE

Learning to explore and share your story, even if it is only with the pages of a journal, is an important way to learn more about you. It helps you to understand why you feel the way you do about things. It helps you to feel able to share stories of the sad things in life, of the traumatic events, of the hurtful things. It helps you to heal, either by yourself or by seeking support from a counsellor.

Learning more about yourself allows you to be more present to what your body is feelings. This allows you to better understand what you are feeling. This skill is important in living life successfully, being able to regulate your emotions and form relationships with other people that are mutually respectful.

DO YOU NEED HELP?

Sometimes things that happen in life can make it hard to understand what you are feeling. It can also be hard to feel safe with others and be able to set boundaries that allow you to have comfortable relationships with others.

Sometimes you need help to learn these things and to untangle the difficulties of the past. This is where a counsellor can help you.

CAN I HELP?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with being better able to understand what you are feeling and/or healing from your past hurts, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How do you respond when the elephant is crushing the mouse?

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.” Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

Put another way, there is a wonderful analogy that staying “neutral” is like watching the elephant crush the mouse and not interfering because you are “not taking sides”. To the mouse, you look like you are siding with the elephant.

THE DAMAGE OF NEUTRALITY

This is something that is very prevalent in our society. It ranges from the children and teenagers who stand by while a friend is being bullied to adults who look the other way when another adult is being physically or verbally abused, even when they know the adult.

Being the victim and feeling totally unsupported is a frightening thing. Wired deep into our brains is the need to be supported by the group in order to survive. If you are ignored then you are not valued by the group and not protected. This means you are in serious danger.

Often victims of abuse will report that the lack of support of others was more terrifying than the abuse itself.

NEUTRALITY IS BETRAYAL AND INVALIDATION

Victims will also say they felt betrayed by the person who remained neutral.

People think they have to stay neutral, but as the analogy says, to the mouse being crushed by the elephant you do not appear neutral. To the elephant crushing the mouse you appear to be on their side.

Think about it.

Neutrality is deeply invalidating to the mouse.

Neutrality is betrayal.

Neutrality is a form of trauma.

NEUTRALITY IS TRAUMATISING

It is trauma that challenges a person’s sense of safety in the world and the trust that they are not alone and will be defended when they need it.

Neutrality harms the brain of the victim. It damages connection bonds and destroys trust in those who practice neutrality.

NEUTRALITY DESTROYS RELATIONSHIPS

I see so many couples where trust and commitment have been destroyed by one partner remaining “neutral”.

Trust and commitment are the foundation of sound relationships. Without trust or commitment relationships are destroyed.

NEUTRALITY INCLUDES SUPPORT AFTER THE EVENT

Neutrality is not just practiced when in a situation of conflict. It can also occur when you go to another person for support and validation of your hurt, and they try to rationalise the other person’s behaviour.

This can happen when a child reports bullying at school. It can happen when a friend reports being subjected to nasty comments from people at work. It can happen when your partner’s mother is rude to you and your partner takes her side.

In those situations and many more you feel scared, unsafe and in pain.

NEUTRALITY LEADS TO YOU BEING BLAMED FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU

What if the response to this is “you brought this on yourself?”.

Or you are asked “what did you do to trigger them to behave that way?” In other words, it is your fault.

How many times have you tried to tell another person about a scary situation to be told to stop complaining and get over it. Or to have the other person ignore what you said and change the subject?

The end result of all this neutrality is that you can often feel shamed.

All these are examples of neutrality and its destructive impacts.

INVALIDATION STARTS AS A BABY

Many people were raised under a style of parenting where parents were taught to leave their baby to cry. But babies cry because they have a need. Failure to meet that need invalidates their right to comfort, to be nurtured and cared for. Failure to meet that need changes the baby’s brain.

Then there are the invalidating experiences in childhood. As a child growing up, invalidation occurs every time your needs are not met by a caring parent who is attuned to you.
Parents can’t always meet your needs, but they can communicate their understanding of your situation and their concern and care for you.

So many children spend time in daycare. Culture in daycare centres often treats bullying as the fault of the victim and seeks to teach the child how to avoid being bullied. Becoming neutral is something taught very early in life.

This patterns is repeated in school. Teachers are human being and they can be caught up in the toxic “neutrality” behaviour as well. Many children experience the invalidation of neutrality when faced with bullying in school.

NEUTRALITY CAN BE ABOUT SURVIVAL FROM ABUSE

For some people, being neutral is a survival mechanism. As children they learned to side with their abuser to survive. In later life, when they are in a situation with another person who needs support, they can feel very unsafe if they don’t take the abuser’s side. They think they are being neutral when in fact they are trapped in a childhood survival mechanism.

Other people grew up frightened of the bullies and survived by not intervening. For them intervening was a very dangerous thing. In adulthood they haven’t unlearned that behaviour so keep it up.

So many people think not intervening is the right thing to do because that is what they were taught by neutrality obsessive parents, teachers, peers and society in general.

YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOUR

But that can be changed. All it needs is to learn to push through that fear and intervene anyway.

Pushing through that fear can be hard if you learned it as a survival mechanism in an abusive childhood. In those situations you may need counselling to learn to overcome that fear.

CAN I HELP?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you stand up to those who frighten you, or you have been invalidated by neutrality and need help healing, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Embracing Discomfort Can Help You Grow

I am sure you have been in this type of situation. You are upset about something and talk to a friend about it. You are expecting them to listen and empathise with you. But they don’t. Listen. Or Empathise. They race to tell you about their day. Or they defend the person who has upset you. Or they make a joke about your pain. Or they change the subject.

In short, they shut you down. They remove your permission to be upset and be heard.

And maybe sometimes you do that too.

Why do they do that?

Why do you do that?

Discomfort.

WE HAVE MADE DISCOMFORT THE ENEMY

We live in a society, in a culture that is very left brained. In other words, very analytical, very logical, very shallow. Rarely are people allowed to explore the depths of who they are, why they do what they do, of the uncomfortable things that happen in life.

In our society discomfort is something to be feared. Something that we are not taught as children to manage. The only way we learn is to run away from discomfort and to shut other people down when they make us feel uncomfortable.

The result is you don’t feel comfortable feeling painful feelings and other people don’t feel comfortable hearing about them.

THE WAYS WE SHUT DOWN DISCOMFORT IN OURSELVES

Many people will rush to cover up uncomfortable feelings with addictive behaviours.

Alcohol, illicit drugs, prescription medications, gambling, buying things, eating, exercise, sex addiction, the list is endless.

Discomfort can be the person who feels awkward in social situations so drinks to suppress that discomfort.

It can be the person who smokes a cigarette to calm their feelings of overwhelm every time they have an argument with their partner.

It can be the person who struggles to cope with the end of a relationship and spends hundreds of dollars buying things they don’t need.

So there is a lot of discomfort in this world. Today I am talking about the discomfort that you feel uncomfortable with and leads you to shut yourself or others down when that discomfort is present.

DISCOMFORT IS YOUR ALLY

You may laugh at the idea that something that feels unpleasant can be an ally. But discomfort is. In order to grow and learn you have to be uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable to do something you have never done before. It challenges your competence as you do something that you may not be good at. As you struggle to complete a new task. There is a risk of failure and that is uncomfortable.

It is uncomfortable to learn something you never knew before. It challenges the way you understand the world, the way you understand the things you have learned. Now there is new information that challenges what you understand, and you have to remember it and understand it.

If you can’t sit with discomfort you will never learn anything new.

If you can’t sit with discomfort you will never try anything new.

LEARNING TO BE OKAY WITH DISCOMFORT

How do you manage discomfort?

You learn to stand and take a deep breath when you feel uncomfortable.

You learn to not run away, or rush to numb the feeling with addictive behaviour. You learn to not rush to fight or flight.

You try an experiment. You take a deep breath and allow the discomfort to be there.

You examine that discomfort with curiosity. And you discover that it is okay, that you can handle this.

As you sit, keeping your thinking brain on line, you are able to come up with a plan to respond to the challenge that has brough the discomfort to you. You learn how to act.
You may not get it “right” first time, according to what you think you should do. But you will survive the discomfort. And in time you will learn that you can survive discomfort. And you will grow and learn. As you grow and learn you will come to welcome discomfort for the gifts of learning it brings.

CAN I HELP?

I have touched very lightly on discomfort. For many people discomfort is something they can learn to be okay with. But for others it is not that easy.

If you have had really difficult things happen in your past and you have not had the help you needed to process those things then discomfort can feel life threatening.

If you have been in that situation then seeing a counsellor who specialises in processing those past difficulties is helpful. You can make sense of what happened and understand it better. This can allow you to heal the pain of that event/s.

With the assistance of a counsellor, you can learn to sit with discomfort and allow yourself to be okay with the feelings. To know it is safe to feel discomfort.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to be okay with discomfort, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Interoception: Understanding the Importance and Benefits of Tuning Into Your Internal Sensations

Did you know:

• That research is showing that your internal body and internal organs send signals to your brain and play a major role in regulating your emotions?

• That your brain flicks in time with your heartbeat?

• That your emotions are impacted by neural activity that is impacted by your body organs?

• That memories are more likely to be remembered when you are in the body state you were in when the memory was first laid down?

• That interoception is important to keep you alive and allows you to feel pain and discomfort in your body.

• That people have different levels of interoception and trauma, either in childhood or adulthood, can reduce interoception.

WHAT LEVEL OF INTEROCEPTION DO YOU HAVE?

One test is to sit comfortably in a chair. Somewhere where you feel safe.
• Close your eyes.

• Place your attention in your heart.

• Can you feel it beating in your chest?

• If so, can you count your heart beats without having to find your pulse and count with your finger?

If you can feel your heart, then you have good interoception.

Interoception is not well known. Most of the emphasis in life is on what we think, not on what we feel in our bodies.

But interoception is a vital skill for your wellbeing.

Did you know that research has indicated that how well you can feel the signals from your body determines how well you regulate your emotions. If you can regulate your emotions well then you are less likely to experience anxiety and depression.

If you can read what your body is feeling, then you can be better able to protect yourself from mental health issues, regulate your emotions, and resolve conflicts.

WHAT IS INTEROCEPTION?

Interoception is the signals, expressed in sensations, that you receive from your body. This includes sensations sent from your internal organs such as your heart, lungs, bowel, bladder and so on.

These sensations are constantly being sent to our brains, where they are read by the brain. The brain makes the decision whether we need to be consciously aware of any of these sensations.

Have you ever heard someone say they felt something in their body wasn’t quite right then found out they had a medical issue with a particular body organ? This is an example of interoception where signals from an organ indicating a problem were sent to the brain and the brain sent messages to your conscious brain that there was something wrong.

When you feel something is wrong but can’t quite explain that feeling, this is interoception at work.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NOTICING BODY SENSATIONS AND UNDERSTANDING THEM

Most people’s brains are able to feel what is in their bodies, but they may not know how to interpret what they are feeling. They may not understand the link between what their body is feeling and the event that led them to develop that reaction in their brain.

Some people are totally cut off from the understanding of those sensations and may not even be aware they are feeling anything in their body unless they are taught to pay attention to those sensations. This is seen often in people who are depressed. They cannot feel their bodies and they feel numb.

Similarly, people who have suffered trauma, especially childhood trauma, often have difficulty feeling body sensations.

POOR INTEROCEPTION CAN LEAD TO ANXIETY

Other people are aware of these sensations but cannot understand what they mean. These types of people are more likely to report feeling anxious. They need to learn to connect these sensations with their conscious brains.

People who report feeling numb and separate from their body have been found to have poor interoceptive awareness. They struggle to notice what they are feeling.

Autistic people often struggle with interoception because they often struggle with Alexithymia (see previous blog on this). This is why many autistic adults suffer from anxiety.

INTEROCEPTION AND YOUR SENSE OF SELF

Interoception is the foundation of your sense of self.

THINGS YOU CAN DO TO IMPROVE INTEROCEPTION

Mindfulness is one approach that has been found to increase people’s ability to tune into their internal sensations.

Exercise has also been shown to help with interoception, especially certain exercises. For people with trauma histories, the feeling of the heart racing is threatening as it can trigger the fear of a trauma response. Exercising and getting used to the heart racing, and learning how to be comfortable with that can help with the feeling of threat. Exercise will also allow you to use mindfulness to allow you to learn to read the signals your exercising body is giving out.

Interestingly strength training has been shown to reduce anxiety. It is thought that training the muscles changes the signals the brain receives from the muscles as they become stronger and better able to deal with heavy use.

DO YOU NEED HELP?

It is helpful to seek professional help with difficulties with interoception. A trauma trained counsellor can help you resolve any underlying issues and learn how to feel safe in your body. Once you feel safein your body then you can learn interoception.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your interoception, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

4 ways to feel so you can heal

When people come to see me about the difficulties in their lives I teach them to be more aware of their own thoughts, emotions, reactions and body sensations that occur when they encounter difficulties.

There is a reason for this.

Many years ago, John Bradshaw wrote that you cannot heal what you cannot feel.

Many have sought to debunk this statement, but the reality is that pushing the difficult feelings down so you think you aren’t aware of feeling them, does not allow healing.

The difficult feelings are still there, even when you can’t consciously feel them. And those difficult feelings have a massive impact on your behaviour and reaction to things.

DO YOU WANT TO BE FREE OF THESE REACTIONS TO THINGS THAT YOU CAN’T CONTROL?

Here is what I teach you to do. It is based on the RAIN meditation as taught by Tara Brach.

Recognise or become aware of your emotions. This includes being aware of what is happening in your body. a. What sensations can you feel? b. Where do you feel them? c. What do they feel like? d. What are the thoughts in your mind?
Acknowledge and name what you are feeling. This is important as you cannot address the emotions if you aren’t able to identify them. Also, naming your emotions helps you to separate them from you personally.
Investigate or explore those feelings. This is important to understand where they come from. It is helpful to consider how old the one expressing the thoughts is. Reactions to things come from past events when a difficult incident has become embedded unresolved in your memory. When incidents occur that are similar to the original incident you react according to that unresolved memory.
Nurture yourself. Offer yourself compassion and kind words of comfort.

Let me share this in a more expanded form.

PROTEST OR TRANSFORM?

Becoming aware of your emotions is important. So often you may feel upset, uncomfortable, angry and not know why. Your rational brain may be telling yourself you are being silly. You may feel alarm because in the past these feelings have led you to behave in ways that have damaged relationships.

I have been taught that when I face difficulties in life there are two choices:

• Protest and push through

• Transform and stop to explore what I am feeling.

Protesting means you just push forward and push the emotions down. You may react in ways you wish you hadn’t. You just push forward and keep going. And this situation repeats and repeats until you do something to get help.

RAIN

Transforming means you stop. You allow yourself time to explore what is happening for you.

You follow the path of RAIN.

RECOGNISE WHAT YOU ARE FEELING

You seek to become aware of what you are feeling. You become aware of the sensations in your body, their location, the type of sensation they are, the words or phrases running through your mind. All these are valuable for you to understand what is happening.

If you take the time, you will realise what you are actually feeling.

Don’t be afraid of those feelings. All feelings are okay. They are vital clues to what is happening for you. They are clues to unresolved issues from the past. Issues that continue to influence the way you react to things.

ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEELINGS

Now you have taken the time to identify your feelings you can name them.

This naming is not a shameful or condemning thing to do. It is about recognising without judgement that perfectly understandable feelings you are experiencing.

You may be feeling angry, hurt, confused, shame, fear and so on.

INVESTIGATE YOUR FEELINGS

You have named your feelings, now you are going to investigate them further.

• Where did those feelings come from?

• Are there any memories that come to mind when you investigate those feelings?

• What do those phrases in your head say?

You have found a memory – now it is time to go deeper and explore more of that memory.

• How old were you?

• What was happening for you?

• What were you feeling then?

• Is it reasonable to judge yourself at that age, circumstance?

AN EXPLORATION INTO THE PAST

Often when you explore the source of feelings you find their source is an incident from your childhood.

Looking back now you can realise the child’s feelings and experience were normal for a child of that age and developmental stage. You can see the child you were as a small child who needed support and understanding. You can see that you can’t judge them from an adult perspective, because they were a child. You can recognise that the thoughts the child had are based on the child’s limited understanding of the world. As an adult you can give a different interpretation to the situation and not judge the child for what happened.

NOW YOU UNDERSTAND YOU CAN COMFORT

The natural thing to do now is the offer comfort to that small child. You are the adult looking back at an incident in your childhood. You can recognise that truth of the situation and that the child needed an adult to offer support and love.

You are the adult. It is time for you to comfort the child.

So offer them words of love and support.

“My darling that was so scary.”

“you were so confused.”

“it’s okay now. I am here. I’ve got this.”

THERE ARE MANY WAYS YOU CAN CALM YOURSELF

Comforting yourself as I described above is a really great way to calm yourself.

Mediation can really help to. Guided ones are great ways to start.

Learning Mindfulness is important to help you be able to recognise what is going on in your body. You can also meditate using Mindfulness. At the end of this post I have a link to sign up for my newsletter. Signing up gives you access to a quick mindfulness meditation you may like to try.

You can also try painting. I don’t mean painting some masterpiece. I just mean putting your feelings on to paper. You can swirl paint around. You can paint lines, dots, circles, squiggles, cover the page with paint, mix it all together into a muddy clump. You can use your fingers. Just allow yourself to put on the page what you need to let go of. Remember, if you feel like painting figures, stick figures are fantastic.

Journalling can be another outlet as well.

EXERCISE AND FUN ARE IMPORTANT TOO

You may find taking a walk calming, especially if you walk amongst the trees or on a beach.

Swimming, any form of exercise, yoga, stretches. There are myriad ways you can move.

Remember the importance of just having fun. Laughing with friends or family, throwing a ball around, trying to ride a unicycle!, anything that is fun. Just being able to forget your worries and responsibilities and have fun with others.

WATCHING YOUR DIET

Making sure you eat foods low in sugar is important. As is avoiding too many take aways. Add lots of vegetables into your diet. The healthier your diet, the better you feel.

Restricting sugary drinks and not drinking excessive amounts of alcohol are also helpful.

When your body is trying to cope with excess amount of sugar, too much alcohol for your liver to comfortably process and foods that your body struggles to process and dispose of the waste from, you will not feel well.

Increasingly research is demonstrating a link between your bowel and your brain. The quality of your diet has a massive impact on how you are feeling emotionally.

HOW COUNSELLING CAN HELP

When things in your life have been overwhelming and leave you struggling, it can be hard to recover without specialised help.

Seeing a counsellor specialised in treating these difficulties, which are all referred to as trauma, is important. Do check that the person you want to see is trained in treating trauma. You can’t just repeat sentences every day and hope the trauma can go away.

You don’t have faulty schemas in your head that need correcting. You have painful memories that need to be allowed to be expressed and healed. This does not mean you have to revisit painful memories, just that you need to be able to access the memories stored in your body and release them.

A properly trained counsellor can help you to learn how to calm yourself and feel safe.

When you are able to feel safe you can then learn how to safely heal those difficult memories.

BLUE KNOT FOUNDATION

The Blue Knot Foundation in Australia is the peak body on childhood trauma and runs training for mental health practitioners. Their training and the practice guidelines they have written are internationally renowned.

I have completed many years of Blue Knot Training and follow their practice guidelines in my work.

CAN I HELP?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How to Speak Your Truth When Your Abuser Has Died

So many people come to see me come after the death of their abuser.

They feel anger at the way this person was spoken about at the funeral.

That can be really hard. It can feel very disempowering, as though your voice is silenced and your experience doesn’t matter.

There seems to be a reluctance to be honest about people at their funerals. At some funerals I have attended it would seem the person who died was a saint when I knew they weren’t.

ABUSERS CAN PRESENT AS LOVELY TO OTHER PEOPLE

It is a sad fact of life that the person who abused you, who was awful to you, may well have been charming and seemingly wonderful to others.

So often you can feel you aren’t able to speak up about the way your abuser treated you in life.

I can relate to that. I sat through my mother’s funeral wondering if I was at the right funeral. The person being described was not the person I knew. It was not the abuser I knew.

HOW DO I MOVE FORWARD?

In learning to live after my mother’s death I had to accept that to other people she probably was a wonderful person.

Her inability to be a loving, caring supportive mother. Her inability to protect me from my abusive father. Her inability to attune to me or love me. These were all things that existed in the relationship she formed with me. They did not exist in the relationship she had with other people, even my siblings.

It can be hard to speak up at your abuser’s funeral. You may find you are removed from the funeral if you speak up. Or you may find others refute what you have said. Or you may not yet feel empowered enough to speak up.

Sometimes you need to find other ways to express what you want to say.

SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH

When I spoke to a counsellor I was able to tell her the things I wanted to say at my mother’s funeral but couldn’t. In counselling I often act as the witness to the story people want to tell about their past. And that is one way you can express what you want to say.

I wrote a letter to my siblings about my experience with my mother and they totally rejected it. Some people do the same thing and it is helpful. But it is important to bear in mind that others may not be willing to accept your story and may reject it.

I have had conversations with my mother, imagining she is standing in front of me, telling her how angry and hurt I was at her behaviour. I found that helpful. Others report the same experience. Again it can be helpful to have that conversation in a counselling session where it can be witnessed. I often guide people through doing this and then assist with letting the words go.

Another approach is to write a letter to your abuser, telling them everything you want to say to them. After writing the letter you can post it. Alternatively you can tear the letter up. Another approach is to burn the letter. I burned the letter I wrote to my mother.

Other people like to hold small ceremonies to express what they need to say about their abuser and letting them go.

Drawing or painting can be a way to let go of that person and express what you need to about them. Again I painted my feelings towards my mother and then burned what I had painted.

WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO EXPRESS YOUR TRUTH

It is important to express what you need to express to your abuser. This allows you to move on in life and live without their energy impacting on you. You deserve to be free.

WHERE YOU CAN GO FOR HELP

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with speaking your truth about your abuser and living a life free of their energy, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

3 Steps to Transform Life’s Problems

One of the biggest problems encountered in life is the things that happen to interrupt the smooth path through life.

The job you don’t get, the “no” you get when you want to do something really important to you, the friend you fall out with, the family member who hurts you.

All these things, and more, can really upset your equilibrium.

WHEN PROBLEMS HAPPEN IN LIFE TO BLOCK YOU

The reaction that usually happens is to be upset and to protest.

Protest is something that is seen all the time.

The person who acts out with road rage, the person who gets angry at delays in a queue, your upset and howls of protest when something happens to you.

It is natural when something happens to block your forward progression in life to protest, to push against what has happened. Then to keep going forward in the same direction.

But that is not always helpful.

And it does not resolve the hurt at what has happened.

THERE ARE TWO CHOICES WITH LIFE’S BLOCKAGES

When obstructions come, there are two choices. It may not seem that way, because you most likely saw others use only one way, were taught only one way, when you were growing up.

You can protest, sure.

But you can also transform the situation.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PROTEST

If you protest you push back against the situation. Then you ignore it and keep going on the same path.

And you carry the hurt and anger at the obstruction. It rankles and the situation is rarely resolved satisfactorily.

And next time you protest even more.

It is hard if you have had a lot of hurt in your life. Unfair things happening in your childhood. Hurts that were never acknowledged.

It all hurts.

And you protest and want something better.

AN EXPERIMENT TO TRY

I want you to try something now.

I want you to put your hands together and push them hard together. Take your time. Push hard and spend time observing what sensations you are noticing in your body.

What does it feel like in your body?

Now push hard against the wall. Again take your time. Push hard. Spend time observing the sensations in your body.

What does that feel like in your body?

Now stop.

NOW TRY ANOTHER EXPERIMENT

I want you to reach out for something that is just beyond your reach, so you have to reach, really stretch yourself out.

Take your time. Reach, stretch out. Spend time observing the sensations in your body.

What does that feel like in your body?

WHAT EXPERIMENTERS REPORT EXPERIENCING

Most people will report that pushing against their hands or the wall feels like they are closing in on themself. Shutting themselves off.

Most people will then report that reaching out to grab something just out of reach feels like opening up.

WHAT PROTEST FEELS LIKE

Pushing your hands together or the wall away from you is what happens when you protest.

It closes you up. Restricts you. Feels awful.

WHAT THE ALTERNATIVE FEELS LIKE

Reaching out is what happens when you seek transformation.

It opens you up. Feels freeing. Opens your mind to possibilities.

TWO CHOICES

When a problem presents itself you can choose to protest. To feel the unfairness of what is happening. To fight it. To close yourself up and push through.

Or you can choose to stop and explore what is happening for you inside.

What thoughts are you experiencing?

What emotions are you feeling?

What sensations can you notice in your body?

Those three questions will help you to truly explore what is happening.

WHAT IS THE PROTEST REALLY ABOUT?

You may be surprised at the experience.

Some people have told me that when they explore their thoughts, feelings and body sensations they are surprised to observe they are feeling relief.

Others observe pain, but find that if they are curious and stop fighting the feelings they can find a solution. This does not necessarily resolve the problem, but it does allow them to discover a way to transform the situation.

Others realise the anger they feel is not about the current situation but something that happened in childhood

WHAT IS THE ALTERNATIVE TO PROTEST?

What is the alternative when you want to protest?

It is so surrender to these feelings. It is to reach out and feel the opening up of your body and mind. It allows you to transform the situation into something that you can grow from. It allows you to understand the past hurts that impact on the current situation and maybe be able to untangle some of that old pain.

It also reduces your pain. Once you surrender to something, although it may still hurt, it will hurt less then if you protest and remain closed.

THE 3 STEPS

So the next time you encounter a difficulty in life, choose transformation. In order to transform the situation try this:

Stop and allow yourself to just be with what has happened.
Allow yourself to explore what you are thinking, feeling, and the sensations in your body. Address the thoughts that come up. Allow yourself compassion when old hurts are uncovered. You may find yourself surprised at the emotions you are feeling. You may recognise some of those body sensations again. They are vital clues to warn your when things are getting overwhelming and you may need time to calm yourself.
Surrender to what is happening. Reach out to it. Pull towards it. Allow yourself to be open to new possibilities.

You won’t always be able to do this. There are times when things are so disruptive you need recovery time, but it will allow you to process many things. And with practice, you will be able to transform more and more disruptive things.

NEED HELP?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you transform the big problems in your life, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au