A big problem for many people I see is unprocessed emotional pain. A large volume of unprocessed emotional pain.
It is not surprising given the belief in our society that you should just push those “bad” feelings down and ignore them.
If you didn’t grow up in a family that supported you experiencing that pain and learning how to process it, then you will be unlikely to know how to process it.
Emotional Pain Is Not Bad
Some mental health approaches pathologise the experiencing of emotional pain. As a result they teach the suppression of emotional pain.
This belief and teaching fails to understand the roots of some pain. Unprocessed emotional pain that has been with you for a long time will continue to be with you until it is processed.
You will not be able to process emotional pain until you have developed the courage, strength and skills to stay with those overwhelming emotions until they are fully processed.
Emotional Pain As The Monster Under The Bed
A lot of people tell me they fear those emotions. I can understand that. A lot of these unprocessed emotions relate to childhood.
A child needs to be taught how to process emotions. If they aren’t taught then those frightening emotions are impossible to process. The child learns to fear those emotions because they seem insurmountable.
If you add to that difficulty a family that actively encourages the suppression of emotions, even punishes family members for feeling emotions, then that fear becomes terrifying and deep seated.
The Pain Body
In his book “A New Earth” Eckhart Tolle describes the ‘pain body’. This is the “energy of old but still very-much-alive emotion that lives in almost every human being.”
The pain of old traumas is often described as energy because of the way this pain crops up again and again. The pain is actually stress or trauma that has never been processed so remains in the body. When that stress or trauma was initially experienced the nervous system became dysregulated and the emotions felt at the time became trapped in the body. Things can trigger the memories around this stress or trauma and you are again feeling the old pain.
Not Feeling Into The Body
Unprocessed pain can cause you to fear emotions and their associated feelings. To avoid experiencing what is feared you stop feeling into your body at all. The body becomes a scary place where emotional monsters lurk.
If you can’t feel into your body, you can’t release the pain and you can’t feel safe and relaxed. In order to relax you need to be able to feel your inner body. That means you have to be prepared to feel the feelings there.
Actions Are Trapped In Your Body
Many somatic therapists talk about the actions trapped in our bodies.
Peter A Levine, the developer of Somatic Experiencing and author of many books including ‘Waking the Tiger’, speaks of the experience of animals chased by predators and escaping. After the animal has escaped the predator it shakes its body to release the energy still in the body that allowed it to escape. He likens it to our need to release that excess energy after a fight/flight event. This allows the energy to be released from our bodies.
Eckhart Tolle also talks about releasing energy from stress. He tells the story of two ducks getting into a fight. After they are finished they move away from each other and flap their wings several times. Then they continue on as though nothing has happened. The ducks are also releasing the excess energy.
The Problem Of Holding On To Experiences Instead Of Releasing Them
We humans tend to hold on to these experiences. Instead of the release actions of the animal that has escaped a predator or the duck that has just finished a fight, we hold on to the fight or the escape.
Humans create narratives of events and the escape and fight get woven into our narratives. If the opportunity to process the events and release them does not happen, the events are kept alive and ongoing by continuing to tell the story, even to ourselves.
Remembering Events But Releasing The Energy
We need to remember events. This is how our brain keeps us safe by remembering dangerous situations and alerting us to similarities in situations. The problem arises when we continue to think of the events as ongoing, instead of past events.
The way forward is to learn how to regulate emotions.
Learn not to fear experiencing the emotions. That you can do this and actually those monster emotions are not massive, overwhelming giants, but mild little critters that are quite manageable.
Once you learn how to regulate and that those emotions are not as scary as you thought they were, you can then learn to be kind to your body. You can learn to be present and have confidence in your strength and ability to process painful feelings and emotions.
You can also learn that difficult emotions can be temporarily destabilising. That they may need attention to work through them. But they can be worked through and you can emerge stronger in the knowledge that you have the skills to process your emotions.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you learn not to fear your emotions and to process them, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Experiencing a traumatic event has a major impact on your emotional, physical and psychological health.
Trauma may be long term, such as being in a relationship with a narcissist or an abusive person. Trauma may be a single event, such as something painful or shocking that happens.
Trauma challenges your sense of safety in the world and the reliability of the world.
Trauma challenges your sense of self, of who you are.
Gabor Mate, a Canadian doctor and expert on trauma in his book “The Myth of Normal” writes that “trauma is not what happens to you but what happens inside you”.
In this quote he is talking about the impact of a traumatic event being individual. Some may walk away from an event relatively unscathed whereas others may be deeply impacted.
The age you are when you experience a trauma has an impact on how you are affected. Trauma occurring in childhood, while the child is still developing their sense of identity as well as developing their brain, has the potential to cause more damage than trauma affecting an adult.
The 24 most common signs of unhealed trauma include:
1. Being chronically exhausted
2. Finding it difficult to trust others
3. Compulsive behaviours and addictions, all about avoiding unpleasant feelings
4. Not feeling safe anywhere, at home, out of the home, inside your body
5. Experiencing emotional numbness
6. Experiencing difficulty concentrating
7. Having a heightened startle response
8. Finding it difficult to sleep or having nightmares.
9. Feeling numb and dissociated from what is going on around you
10. Skin issues such as rashes and other irritations.
11. Upset stomach, diarrhoea, bloating, nausea and so on
12. Constantly apologising
13. Constantly thinking about things
14. Gaining or losing weight.
15. Feeling emotionally dysregulated and struggling to contain feelings of rage or anger
16. Feeling Depressed
17. Self-isolating from others
18. Uncontrollably crying
19. Experiencing difficulties relating to others
20. Being frightened of being alone
21. Struggling with memory and processing information
22. Having unrealistic beliefs about other people.
23. Feeling guilty, and experiencing shame.
24. Being hypervigilant.
As you can imagine, experiencing even some of these signs is distressing and challenging to your sense of who you are.
How Do I Recover?
The biggest impact of trauma is your sense of who you are.
The good news is that you can rebuild your sense of who you are.
You can also learn how to trust the world. Part of that learning is identifying what safety for you is, right now.
You also need to allow yourself time to grieve for what you have lost. Without that healing is not possible.
This recovery will not happen overnight. It takes time. Don’t rush. Don’t think you are failing because you are not “over it” quickly. Cut yourself some slack and be patient.
What Do I Need To Do To Recover?
Sometimes, if the trauma had a smaller impact on you, you can recover with the help of supportive people. Other times you need a trauma trained counsellor to help you.
The first thing you need to do is to understand what safety looks like for you.
Once you understand what that is, you can work at rebuilding your sense of safety.
Rebuilding Your Sense of Safety
To feel safe, you need to feel safe within your body. When you suffer a trauma you may want to run away from the unpleasant feelings. You experience these feelings in your body. A major part of coping with the unpleasant feelings is ignoring what your body is experiencing.
To rebuild your sense of safety you need to learn to feel what is happening in your body. You also need to learn to be comfortable with those feelings.
For someone who experienced trauma as a child, there may never have been learning about feeling into the body. For those who learned already, it will be more about learning to feel into the body again.
Regulation Is A Major Part of Feeling Safe
When you experience uncomfortable feelings in your body you need to be able to cope with those feelings.
Many people learn unhealthy ways to do this. Addictions and compulsive behaviours are about dulling feelings. Emotional numbing is also an unhealthy strategy.
What you may need to learn is how to calm your body. Being able to calm yourself down allows you to feel you have control over the feelings in your body as well as the emotions and memories that come up. That is very empowering. When you have control and feel you have power then you can feel safe.
Internal Safety Leads Outward
Once you feel safe in yourself, you can feel more confident to start trusting those closest to you, then those less close and finally strangers and situations you encounter day to day.
When you feel safe in yourself you also can experience greater clarity around the people in your life and can make decisions about what relationship you have that are unhealthy and set boundaries around those relationships.
Boundaries may look like ending the relationship, limiting when you see the other person, or even limiting the type of contact you will have with them and the type of behaviour you will tolerate from them.
Allow Space For Grieving
When you experience trauma, whether it is recent or in the past, you have lost things that are important. The loss of sense of self and sense of safety. What way you saw the world and those around you is lost. You have also lost the life you had. There may be other losses as well.
All these losses need to be recognised and grieved over.
Grief isn’t pleasant. It hurts. You may even feel angry. The pain is deep.
It is important to learn to be okay with those unpleasant feelings. Don’t try to avoid the feelings by getting busy with activities, be they work, social life, hobbies or relationships. Those avoidance activities will only prolong the grief, they won’t solve it.
A lot of the signs of trauma are caused by trying to avoid the pain.
Counselling is helpful here too in learning how to process this grief.
Building Your Connection Back To Self
When you have grieved the losses and rebuilt your sense of safety in the world you can work on establishing a connection to yourself so you can get to know Who You Are again.
This is a wonderful opportunity to explore the things in life that help you feel who you are. The things that feed you.
This is where you learn to listen to your body as it tells you it is comfortable.
This is where you may find that trying new things will help you discover aspects of yourself you didn’t know existed.
Here is your opportunity to learn how to live in the post trauma world.
Space and Time
As you rebuild your sense of self and safety, as well as grieving for what was lost, give yourself the space to grow.
Ensuring you sleep enough hours is important. Take yourself out to the beach of the bush. Sit and feel the waves at your feet, sit under a tree and listen to the sound of wind through the leaves. See a trauma trained counsellor.
Surround yourself with people who support you and will encourage you to grow and try new things.
Most importantly give yourself time. See this as a journey that is best enjoyed and taken at a slow enjoyable pace.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with healing from your trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
In my last blog I wrote about not suppressing your emotions and the way counselling should be an exploration of your emotions and through that to allow healing to take place.
But the fact is when you are hurting other people can inadvertently cause you pain.
I gave some examples:
• The person struggling to cope with the death of their partner being asked how they are.
• The person being asked about their job when they have just been made redundant.
• Being asked what your parents do when you are a teenager whose father has just died.
For people on the receiving end of these curious or caring questions it can be something they learn to dread.
So how do you avoid causing pain to others?
Personal Boundaries
Boundaries are important to pay attention to when interacting with others.
Your boundaries and the boundaries of the other person are important.
Personal boundaries usually are best described as layers of a circle. In the centre is you. There are things you don’t ever tell other people. That is healthy and normal.
The next circle out is intimate relationships. These are the people you are intimately involved with. For a child that would be parents. For adults that is usually your romantic partner. You tell these people things you don’t tell others, but you still keep some things to yourself.
The next circle out is family. This is anyone in your family that is not your intimate relationship. This can be siblings, parents (if you are an adult), grandparents and so on. These are people you will allow to know things about you but maybe not the private thoughts you share with those you are closer to.
The next circle out is friends. These are close friends that you will share information with. People in this circle and the inner ones will be aware of more private things about you. They will be more likely to be aware of bereavements, loss of job and so on.
The next circle out is acquaintances. You will most likely say hello and exchange pleasantries with them, but they are unlikely to know private things about you.
The outside circle is strangers. Unless you are sharing information about a specific thing that you are both involved in you will not tell them anything. An example of that specific thing may be to share that you own the same breed of dog they have, or your child has the same red hair and so on.
Communicating With Others
In communication boundaries are important. The type of questions you can ask will depend on which circle you are in.
Acquaintances and strangers may become friends over time. But you need to know them better before they move into that circle.
When you are getting to know someone you are more likely to ask questions about each other. This is where things can get tricky. It is important not to ask invasive questions. Be mindful that you may be used to asking personal questions in your friendship group, but you are no longer in that group and it is not appropriate to ask some questions.
For example:
A common question women of childbearing age get is “Do you have children?”. This may seem a fairly innocuous question but it can be very upsetting.
Women struggling with fertility report the pain caused by such a question. Then there are women who don’t want children and are fed up with having to justify their choice to other people who have no right to judge their choice.
Another question to younger women who are in a steady relationship is “When are you going to have children?”. That is a big NO. That is nobody else’s business. Again, if the woman is struggling with fertility that is very hurtful.
Only raise the question of children if they raise it.
How to ask “How Are You”
Many people struggle with how to support bereaved friends. Do you ask them how they are or not? When my mother died I didn’t mind being asked. I lived on the other side of the world and no one else knew her. So it was comforting to feel someone remembered.
However, for many people, that question is one they don’t want to hear.
“How do they think I am. I just lost my [loved one].”
So what do you do?
Maybe say something else. “I have been thinking of you”. You can maybe add an offer of help. Maybe you are heading to the shops and you wonder if you can get them anything. Or you are willing to sit with them if they want to talk or just have someone there while they don’t talk.
If you want to ask how they are, preface it with “I know you are grieving and in pain at the moment. But I know that some days are better than others and I care that you are hurting and was wondering how you are today.”
What grieving people need to hear is that you haven’t forgotten their grief and that they are not alone.
What About Asking About Your Job?
Don’t.
Unless you are at a business function, when it is normal to ask someone what they do, don’t ask.
For people who are not working because they are parenting, or disabled and unable to work, or chronically unemployed that question suggests their only value is in having a job.
Asking A Child About Parents
With the high rate of relationship breakdowns at the moment, asking a child about their parents is potentially hurtful.
If the parents have separated the child may still be getting used to it and still grieving about the loss of their family unit.
If a parent is dead and they are still hurting in their grief, they won’t want to be asked that question.
This is one for adults to remember not to ask, and one to teach your children not to ask.
Asking About Family
This is similar to the one above. Remember adults can hurt too. Estrangements across a family are common and questions about family can be very difficult in the acute grief stage.
Be Mindful
When you meet a stranger or acquaintance be mindful of the topics raised in your conversation. Avoid questions that are more intimate. Stick to generalities and only ask questions on more sensitive topics if the other person raises the subject.
Be aware of the other person’s body language and monitor them for signs of discomfort. If you ask a question or make a comment and the other person looks uncomfortable, it may be appropriate to ask if your question or comment was upsetting and apologise.
Be Aware Of Which Ring You Fit Into
When interacting with other people be aware of which relationship ring you fit into.
Be wary of asking questions that are not appropriate for the relationship level.
Think before you ask questions of a friend. Is what I am going to ask going to cause pain? Is there a better way of asking? It is okay to tell a friend you don’t know what to say but you care and want to help in whatever way they need help.
If you are struggling understanding how to interact with other people, seeing a counsellor can be helpful.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your communication with others, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
In the current world there is a general belief that if an emotion is too hard you just suppress it. Force it under.
One of the main styles of therapy that is presented as “the correct way” to be and to operate tells you that these uncomfortable thoughts and emotions are faulty and wrong. You just have to work harder. You have to will harder. You can over come this.
But the truth is all the will in the world will not heal those uncomfortable thoughts and emotions.
I Failed Magic Wand Class
I see a lot of people who come to me for that style of therapy. They think it will be like a magic wand that I wave and in a few sessions they will be all fixed.
If only it were so.
The Myth Of Instant Gratification
We all want things to be achieved instantly.
Instead of working hard at following a correct diet and activity regime, we want to take a pill to lose weight.
Instead of working through those uncomfortable emotions. Instead of allowing time for those emotions to heal. Instead of allowing time for our brains to make the necessary changes to heal. Instead of doing all this we want it to be better instantly.
Having to work at something is hard and in this modern world with instant everything working at something is not what we have been taught to expect or have to do.
So maybe you come to me expecting instant results.
The Reality Of Healing
Sometimes the difficulty you are experiencing can be resolved with one or two counselling sessions.
Other times the difficulty will need longer.
Maybe your expectations have been raised by the passion for “the correct way”. You expect I will tell you what is wrong with you and you will do some homework and exercises and keep them up and you will be all better.
After all, it is so much easier to push things down and pretend they don’t exist than deal with them.
Isn’t it?
The Lure Of Running From Those Uncomfortable Feelings
So you run from those uncomfortable feelings. But they come after you.
So you run from them with alcohol, or cigarettes, or drugs or other addictions.
That works for a while, until the effects wear off. Then what do you do?
Running Is Like The Scab Over A Cut
As a former Registered Nurse, I liken the suppressing of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings to a scab that has formed over a cut.
You cut yourself, it hurts and it bleeds. Your body starts work immediately, defending from infection and commencing healing. First you will see a scab form. Ah! Its getting better.
But is it?
If all goes well, the scab forms, healing occurs underneath and the scab eventually falls off to reveal healed skin underneath.
But it doesn’t always go well.
Under that scab there is an infection. Pus forms and is trapped underneath the scab. That cut hurts. That cut is not healing as you thought it should.
The pus builds up. The cut hurts more.
I watched a colleague once remove the scab on a man’s leg. Her comment is so relevant here.
“I never trust a scab. It hides things that shouldn’t be there.”
She had noticed the signs of infection under the scab.
Scab removed, the cut was able to be cleaned and the infection cleared up. Not overnight, but over a matter of days with continued cleansing until the infection was cleared.
Counselling is like that.
Healing Requires Work and Time
If you want to resolve those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings you need to work at them.
I am not going to tell you that your thoughts are “faulty”. They aren’t.
I am not going to instruct you to not think about them. I will help you examine them to find what lies underneath them.
I may not seem to be “working” with you, but I am.
I Trust You To Be Able To Heal, Maybe With Help
I trust you as a person to have the ability to heal those uncomfortable thoughts and feelings with my assistance.
By assistance I mean that I will help you identify what is actually going on. I will tell you that what you are experiencing is a normal way for your brain to respond to your circumstances. Then I will help you work with your brain as it heals.
I will help you understand the unconscious parts of your brain that you cannot control consciously. I will help you heal those, which will often involve feeling into your body as well as allowing your brain to express itself through art, sand play, movement or other expressive methods.
I will tell you that things take time. Because your brain can’t rebuild new neural circuits overnight. Expect a few months at least.
I Don’t Use A Magic Wand
Whatever you do, don’t be like the people who come expecting me to wave my magic wand and make you all better in one session. See the start of progress, no matter how slight, as the wonderful evidence that healing has started.
And don’t tell your children they just need some “strategies” to cope with those painful thoughts and emotions when what they actually need is compassion and understanding that what is happening in their life hurts and it is okay to hurt.
Soldiering On Doesn’t Work
Wanting to be able to just “soldier on” was a wonderful marketing ploy for a drug company selling cold and flu tablets. We apply solider on to everything, including emotional pain. But there is no instant fix and even the “soldier on” message has been shown to be the worst treatment for those colds and flu.
Allow time. If you need to see a counsellor expect it to not be instant and be very wary of someone who tells you your thoughts are “faulty”.
In The Next Blog
I mentioned the pain of dealing with painful thoughts and emotions.
In the past few weeks I have seen a lot of people who have struggled with other people inadvertently causing them pain through their questions.
How are you? To the person struggling to cope with the death of their partner.
What is your job? To the person just made redundant.
What do your parents do? To the teenager who is grieving the death of their father.
These seemingly innocent comments can cause a lot of pain. So what can you do to avoid those foot in mouth blunders?
I will talk more about this in my next blog.t
Can I Help?
In the meantime, if you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with managing your thoughts and feelings, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
So many people who have experienced trauma in life live with the sense of terrible brokenness.
There is the sense that “I am defective”. And so much in your life has told you that.
There is a terrible sense of shame that these things have been done to you.
The Untrue Messages That Dominate Your Life
But those messages and the other negative ones you received are not true. They are the words of the people who traumatised you. If they were dysfunctional enough to traumatise you, then they were too dysfunctional to give you accurate information about yourself.
For many of you, you may be aware of this but are unable to turn off the negative messages in your head.
People Rise Above Childhood Trauma Better Than You Think
Over my life I have read and heard so many people’s stories. Many of them speak of surviving trauma to arrive at the point in their lives where they could share their story.
One thing that emerges from the story is the way they survived.
Some people are fully aware they have achieved a lot and want to share that heartening news.
Do You See Your Strengths Or Your Failings?
Other people are not aware. They may come into my room feeling such a failure, when they have achieved amazing things to just get to my door.
Maybe you are one of those people who sees only the negative and defective and can’t see the truth, that despite the horrible things that have happened to you in life, you are an amazing and unique individual.
Maybe you think that seems insincere. You don’t want to be told by me that you are amazing and unique.
Looking At Your Trauma From A Different Perspective
But what if, instead of seeing the awful things that have happened in your life you saw instead how they have contributed to you being an amazing unique individual.
What if you could see the way you have survived as being a triumph and instead of seeing the defective you see the triumphant you.
The Reality Of You, Here, Now
The reality is you are still here and you are living your life. You might not live it as well as you want to. You might not feel totally in control of your reactions. Those are things you can work on. But the fact that you are here and functioning is testimony to the way you had strengths and abilities that allowed you to function despite the things that have happened to you in the past. And just maybe those things that happened have given you strengths and abilities other people don’t have.
What Might Those Abilities Be?
There is the obvious one about your brain developing more in some areas that often means you are better at reading non-verbal communication than others and are better at spotting danger.
But there are other areas too.
Maybe you are more understanding of others.
Maybe you are more compassionate.
Maybe you have a drive to seek justice for others.
Maybe you believe in honouring your word so that you are reliable and admired for that.
Maybe you have tenacity in difficult situations that allows you to keep going when others give up.
Maybe You Need Help To Heal And See Your Strengths And Abilities
Maybe you can see these things but then that belief in yourself is blown away by all the negative messages in your head.
Sometimes you need assistance to heal. You need assistance to see the real you.
This is where a trauma qualified counsellor can assist you.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your healing and identification of your amazing strengths, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Grief is a very difficult feeling to explain. Although there are similarities in the way people grieve, there are also differences. Each person grieves in their own unique way.
How you grieve depends on your life experiences, your relationship to the person who has died, what else is happening in your life and what you have been taught about grief.
Grief Is Inescapable
The important thing to remember is that Grief is real. It is not something to be pushed away or run away from.
It is not something you can drink away, smoke away, drug away, shop away or any other activity you can devise to hide from it.
Grief is.
Grief Impacts Your Brain
Neuroscientists studying grief have found that grief activates the same areas of the brain activated by physical pain. In other words, emotional pain causes the same pain reaction in the brain as physical pain.
Grief also triggers the brain’s fight or flight defensive areas. This results in you being alert and restless. It also causes you to feel exhausted as your brain doesn’t allow you to rest.
I Can’t Get The Circumstances Out Of My Mind
People who grieve often talk about the constant churning of the events of their loved one’s death over and over in their mind.
This is something that is often reported as being unhealthy. Replaying events in the brain is something that people are often told is bad and must be stopped.
But replaying the events of a painful experience such as bereavement is essential for the brain to process what has happened.
I am not saying that you keep going over and over the events forever. But you do need to allow them to replay and be resolved.
Memories Usually Lessen Over Time
Those memories should start to lessen over time. You might not think them as often. You might find the memories are less painful. That means your brain is processing them and resolving them.
If those memories don’t lessen. If you still are troubled by the high frequency of the memories. If you feel things are not resolving then you may need help from a grief counsellor.
The Uncertainty Of The Grief World
It is important to remember that the fight or flight response in the brain is triggered by the disruption of grief. All that you knew, all that seemed certain, has been devastated. You are in the grip of uncertainty and that is scary. You will most likely feel unsafe.
In some instances you may be financially impacted by the grief. That in itself is scary.
It is really important to allow others who you feel safe with to financially support you.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Something you realise throughout life, often as you grow older, is that you are never “finished”. There will never be an end point to your growth and development. Right up to the moment of death you will continue to grow.
The fact of your unfinished state is often very obvious when you do something new. Then the gulf between your level of competence and the new thing you are doing is very obvious.
To Live Is To Grow
Life is about growth. It is about stepping out into the unknown. About stepping out into your level of incompetence and doing something new and different.
If you don’t grow, you stagnate. This concept is often discussed in regard to relationships. A relationship can never stay the same, it either grows or stagnates. In other words, it doesn’t grow. Stagnation precedes the death of the relationship.
It is the same with life. If you don’t progress in your life and grow you will stagnate. Stagnation is where many people find themselves. Maybe you are there right now. You feel stuck in the sameness of your life, you feel empty, depleted and maybe restless or hopeless.
The Importance of Restlessness
Restless is good. From restlessness comes the desire to change, to grow, to get out of the rut you find yourself in.
Restless allows courage to arise. Courage to make changes and start new beginnings.
Beginnings are full of possibilities and unknowns. They are uncertain and scary. And that is okay. Within you there is the ability to survive the unknown and find your way. There is the possibility to try something new, learn how to do it and survive the experience.
Change Happens On The Edge Of Uncertainty
Change only ever happens on the edge of uncertainty.
There has been much research into the importance of challenging yourself in order to change and move away from stagnation.
New relationships are scary, but you still work at them until they are less scary. And you keep working at them always. New things in life are like relationships. They are uncertain and scary but if you work at them they become less scary. They can even be exhilarating. You work at them until you reach the point of feeling less scared, maybe even comfortable.
Keep Going. Rest Yes, But Don’t Stop There
But don’t stop there. You can rest there for a while, but allow the restless within to lead you further forward. Remember. You never stay in the same place. You either grow and move forward and stop and stagnate..
Changes in life are scary, but you still make them – whether you want to our not – and you settle in to the changes. One day you find yourself comfortable with the changes that you formerly found terrifying.
Change Is Uncertain And That Is Okay
Change is uncertain. Uncertain is scary. For many people that level of uncertainty feels impossible to overcome. But it can be done.
Maybe you are dreaming of a new job, moving to a new area, a new career and the idea is overwhelming so you remain in the same place. You stay put and you are miserable but unable to see how to make the leap to a new change.
Sometimes Change Is Best Accomplished By Taking A Small Jump Instead Of A Massive Leap
Don’t make that leap, instead make a series of small adjustments.
Try doing one thing that breaks your usual routine. It may mean getting up earlier in the morning to have a walk on the beach. It may mean eating breakfast outside, instead of in the kitchen. It may mean catching the bus and train to work instead of driving.
These small breaks from your usual routine are something new. Just try doing something different. Even one different thing a week. If you eat the same menu night after night (because it is easier and you don’t have to think) switch around the meals so that you eat them on different nights. One night add a different meal.
These changes may seem insignificant. They may seem downright weird – especially the one about where you eat breakfast. But they change your routine. And changing your routine opens the way for bigger changes.
The First Step Is The Hardest In Every Journey Of Dreams
It is said that the first step is the hardest. This is from a quote by Moffat Machingura.
“The first step is the hardest in every journey of dreams. There is nothing else to fear unto whosoever has shown the tenacity to begin; because, once having started, the hardest part of the mission is the one lying behind.” ~ Moffat Machingura, Life Capsules
At The End of Your Life Your Greatest Regret Will Be The Risks You Didn’t Take.
Another wonderful quote that is worth noting is:
“Your greatest regret at the end of your life will be the lions you didn’t chase. you will look back longingly on risks not taken, opportunities not seized, and dreams not pursued. stop running away from what scares you most and start chasing the God-ordained opportunities that cross your path” ~ Mark Batterson.
Remember your greatest asset in change is courage.
You Grow Your Wings Once You Leap Off The Cliff Not Before
There is a beautiful quote by Ray Bradbury about jumping off the cliff and growing your wings on the way down. It is true. You don’t grow those wings until you need them. You don’t need them until you have launched yourself into uncertainty.
You can’t wait until everything is in place before you do something new. You will never be ready. That is why you should just start and allow the growth that will lead you to succeed.
I made the comment to someone recently about leaping off the cliff and finding my wings so that I could soar. They looked worried and asked me what about if my wings didn’t come. The answer? They will always come.
Life Is About Beginnings
You are part of a continuum of human life that has gone on for millennia. All life is about beginnings and within each life are countless beginnings.
Beginnings feel like lonely journeys into the unknown, the jump off the cliff without wings.
But the wings are always there. The outcome may not be what you imagined it would be, but there will be an outcome.
Let Go So That You Can Grow
It is only when you let go that growth can come. Your wings only arrive when you embrace uncertainty.
Maybe you will not find the outcome that you wanted. It may feel like failure. But it will be learning and from that place of learning you can move on into a new unknown. Each leap off the cliff into uncertainty strengthens and empowers you to grow.
Beginnings, those leaps off the cliff, are invitations to embrace the gifts and growth that wait once you soar with your new wings.
Endings Are Necessary For Beginnings To Happen
Sometimes you will spend time in preparation, not realising you are ending an old pattern of behaviour. You will prepare and leap off the cliff. Other times you will experience an ending and discover a beginning within it. That is your leap off the cliff.
Leaping off the cliff is not necessarily comfortable but it is most definitely survivable.
On the journey of your life you will experience many beginnings and endings. That is what life is about. You choose what you will begin and you choose what you will end. If you don’t choose, life will choose for you.
The Leap Into The Unknown Is Your Ally
As you leap off that cliff recognise that the leap into the unknown is your beloved ally. It is waiting to share with you the exhilaration and possibilities of the unknown.
Don’t get stuck. Be open and vulnerable. Don’t be afraid of the new and the different. Embravce the opportunities to grow.
Take a deep breath and launch yourself over that cliff. That is where life is.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you to leap off that cliff, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
As an adult, you have an advantage in grieving. That advantage is your brain development.
All things being equal, by the time your brain is fully developed (around age 25) you have learned how to process grief. If you haven’t encountered grief before, hopefully you have learned to seek help in processing your grief.
Children’s Brains Struggle To Process Grief
For a child, the lack of brain development means that processing grief is very difficult.
For an undeveloped brain, comprehending death and the existential issues around it, is extremely difficult. Adults struggle with this. So children will struggle even more without the tools yet to be developed to help them.
Grief In Children Resurfaces At Each Developmental Stage.
The younger the child, the more undeveloped will be their ability to process their grief. It is now known that grief in children will resurface at different stages in their childhood and even into adult life.
It is important to be aware of these difficulties and be ready to support your child.
The developing brain is learning. That is how the brain develops. But without support, the brain cannot learn. The brain needs to learn how to process Grief.
Attending To The Trauma Of Grief
Grief is a trauma. It is dysregulating. A child experiencing grief will be thrown into a major fight/flight/freeze stress response. They will also lose their connection to others and feel very isolated and alone.
Many people think they just have to sit their child down and talk to them and that will help. But a dysregulated brain can’t learn or reason so talking to a child in this situation will not work.
The 3 Steps
There are 3 steps to reaching your child and helping them to learn how to process their grief.
The steps are as follows:
Step 1. Regulate
The first thing you need to do with your child is help them regulate their fight/flight/freeze response and become calmer.
One of the best ways to do this is to be as calm as you can. Research has shown that children cope well with traumatic events when their parents remain relatively calm and can maintain as much as possible regular routines. The main thing is that your child feels safe. They need to feel that you can still protect them. In a world that has just fallen apart with the loss of someone important, knowing you are still there is vital.
Do the best you can
Obviously, if you are grieving as well, it is going to be hard to regulate yourself. You are likely to be crying and finding it hard to focus.
This is the pain of parenting. There are times when you have to put your own needs aside to attend to the needs of your children. It is natural for you to do that, and it may be necessary. But don’t put off attending to your own needs for long. It is okay to be crying when you seek to regulate your child.
After all, your child needs to see you grieving to learn it is okay to be sad and cry, but life still goes on.
One of the best ways to regulate is to hold your child. That helps them to feel safe and also gives you a sense of safety as well.
Step 2. Relate
Holding your child is part of the next step as well.
You help your child to regulate, to feel safer and still cared for.
Now you help them by establishing a connection. Holding your child will help them feel connected to you. This will mean they feel less isolated and alone.
Being Attuned To Your Child
Relating also involved being attuned to your child and their needs. It means you will stop and seek to understand what your child is thinking and feeling. Depending on their age, this may involve (when appropriate) making a general statement such as:
“It is really sad and frightening that x has died.”
This would work best for a young child who may still be learning to understand their emotions. Acknowledging what you sense they are experiencing helps them to feel understood.
For an older child you may ask them what they are feeling. Or you may wonder if they are feeling sad because you are.
It is important to not hide your feelings and allow your child to see you are sad too but that your sadness won’t stop you caring for them.
Be Attuned For A Long Time
Remember that I earlier mentioned that grief in children takes longer and is revisited at each developmental stage.
It is important to keep that in mind. Even after the initial period of adjustment to death your child will continue to grieve.
Always make sure you seek to understand your child. This maintains a connection between the two of you and is also comforting for your child. An attuned parent is one who provides safety and security. Something all children need, but grieving children need it more.
Step 3. Reason
Once your child is regulated and secure in their relationship with you, you can then reason with them.
You can support your child to express their feelings should they want to. You can support your child according to their developmental stage to reflect, learn, remember, articulate and learn how to live with their loss.
How Do I Support My Child To Learn?
There are many aids you can use to help you support your child through their grief. These aids will help them to learn healthy ways of processing grief. This will serve them well now and in later life with other losses.
There are many age-appropriate books you can read to your child. Your local library is a good source of these. If you send your child to a counsellor many will have these resources as well. I have a range of books I use with younger children.
For teenagers, who are already exploring the more existential issues of life as part of their teen development, a more existential approach that emphasises philosophical discussions mixed with some helpful facts about grief and its impacts is really helpful.
Can I Help?
Sometimes you and/or your child/ren will need help from a grief trained counsellor. It can be very helpful to learn what is normal in grieving both for yourself and your child. If you need help, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
The definition of family enmeshment is that family members are excessively involved in each other’s lives and find it hard, even impossible, to set boundaries. There is a strong desire to maintain close relationships, which in itself is not bad, but it has negative impacts.
It is like several lengths of wool, each representing a family member. The wool strands become tangled into masses of knots. With an enmeshed family each person in the family becomes entangled and the needs and identities of each individual get lost.
Enmeshed Families And Close Families Are Different.
This doesn’t mean that families can’t be close and healthy. There are families where family members are close. These families have strong bonds. The members of the family care for each other.
The difference between a close family and an enmeshed family is that in the close knit family there is respect of each individual and their personal space and independence. Individuals within a close family are encouraged to grow and make their own choices. There is no pressure for people to do things they don’t want to.
In the enmeshed family there is a blurring of the boundaries between individuals within the family. It becomes difficult for a member of such a family to make a decision or even have their own thoughts and feelings. Members of enmeshed families feel unable to make choices that the family won’t approve of, even when they really want to do something.
Are Enmeshed Families Codependent?
It is often believed that enmeshed families are in codependent relationship with each other. Certainly co-dependency and enmeshment are related and can happen in family relationships as well as other relationships but there is a difference.
Enmeshment is when two or more people become so involved in each other’s lives, relationships and decision making that they are unable to act autonomously. This has a negative effect on the mental health of the enmeshed people.
Codependent relationships are where two people, such as those in a romantic relationship, friends, parent and child rely on the other for emotional support, acceptance or identity.
Co-dependency may exist in an enmeshed family but then again it may not.
Cultural Impact Of Enmeshment.
In different cultures families can act differently. If the culture is one of autonomy and independence (individualistic) a healthy family will have well defined boundaries between family members. If the culture is one where being part of the group and more dependent on others is normal (collectivist culture), then a family that meets the definition of enmeshed is more likely to exist. In this setting, such a family is considered to be normal and healthy.
If the culture the family exists in is collectivist, family members will not suffer negative mental health impacts. However, if the family has emigrated to a country with a more individualistic culture, the family members may be more torn between the culture of their family and that of the society in which they are now living. This is particularly so with children.
When deciding if a family is enmeshed or not it is important to consider the culture of the family and the impact that enmeshment is having on the mental health of the family members.
In Enmeshed Families Roles Are Rigid.
Another thing seen in an enmeshed family is that family members will often have rigid roles within the family. Every family has roles for family members, but in a healthy family the roles can change over time.
Enmeshed families are often very intrusive. There is little privacy and interfering with another family member’s private thoughts and concerns is considered normal. This is because of the lack of boundaries between family members.
How To Spot Lack Of Boundaries
In such a family other signs of lack of boundaries can include:
• Over protective adults who control what children do and prevent them from anything that challenges them and allows them to grow. The adults may believe they are protecting the child but the motivation is often their own fears of something like that happening to them.
• Adults in the family system will micromanage their children and make decisions for them without any consultation.
• Manipulation is used to coerce the children to do what the adult wants. Guilt and Shame are often used to achieve this.
• Not respecting the privacy of children, often seen by going through their belongings, reading private writings, monitoring their activities and keeping tabs on what they are doing.
• Use the children for emotional support and validation.
• Set out to be the child’s “best friend” even when the child doesn’t want it.
• Not perceive the children as individuals who are growing up and striving for independence.
• Enforce family unity and prevent anything that threatens that such as something an individual may wish to do or outside relationships individuals may wish to have.
• Keep a strict cap on any conflict within the family. Individuals within an enmeshed family learn that keeping the peace is essential and there are negative consequences for disobeying that rule.
What Impact Does An Enmeshed Family Have On A Child?
Children in an enmeshed family are:
• Often very alert to their parent’s needs and emotions.
• Have trouble making decisions.
• Struggle to become independent as adults.
• If asked what their interests and values are they will always cite the family interests and values.
• Believe they must keep the family happy.
• Often are loners and don’t make friends because their emotional needs are met within the family.
• Find it hard to voice their own needs, again due to a need to maintain peace within the family.
• Become more emotional then is normal when there are family conflicts or crises
• As they grow older they often become financially and emotionally responsible for the care of their parents.
Why Does Enmeshment Occur In Some Families?
A lot of enmeshment happens because of parents being raised in enmeshed families. This is the only family structure one or both parents know. Parenting is usually based on what was learned during childhood. Unless the parent is aware their childhood family was enmeshed and was able to learn about other family models as well as learn how to set healthy boundaries, the pattern the parent will use in their family will be an enmeshed one.
Another cause could be if there were difficulties in the relationship a child had with their caregivers that resulted in what is known as an anxious attachment style. That style of attachment involves a need for excessive closeness and validation from others. If the childhood wounds are not resolved and the attachment style healed then it can result in the behaviours present in an enmeshed family.
Research has suggested that a parent who has poor mental health and is raising their children alone without healthy adult friendships is more likely to establish enmeshed relationships with her children. People in that situation often experienced their own trauma as children and consequently have a poor sense of self and have difficult regulating their emotions.
Crises in the environment, such as natural disasters and wars will increase the likelihood that the family members with look to each other for support and security. If the crisis is long term or resulted in traumatic impacts that are not healed then enmeshment can develop.
Is Enmeshment Bad?
Yes and no. members of enmeshed family value loyalty, belonging and emotionally supporting others. They also have deep interpersonal connections with other family members.
The negative is that family members, especially children raised in such a family, find it hard to set boundaries with others. They can find it hard to make decisions. They will also struggle being able to express their own needs and desires and set healthy boundaries around their needs and desires.
Another negative is that it can be difficult developing healthy relationships with others outside the family.
For adults in an enmeshed family there can be high levels of stress as they remain constantly vigilant maintaining control and closeness. Adults are also likely to struggle to maintain their own identity which impacts on their own mental health. It also impacts on their relationships with others both within and outside the family.
Conflict is another difficulty for enmeshed families. It may often lead to conflict being buried and these unresolved conflicts result in tension within the family that can become destructive. Family members, especially children, will struggle to learn healthy conflict resolution skills. This impacts mental health as well as impacting on the ability to learn healthy communication skills.
Does Enmeshment Cause Trauma?
Yes it can.
In heavily enmeshed families each family member is very involved in the emotional life of each other family member. This is difficult for children with their developing brains and developing emotional regulation skills. Being overloaded and overwhelmed by adult emotions without anyone to help the child understand what is being experienced, as well as emotionally regulate, impacts the child’s mental well being, both in childhood and later in adulthood.
Not knowing where you end and other family members start is also damaging. This impacts on the ability to form a sense of self. It impacts on the ability to set boundaries.
In a family where everyone’s business and feelings is everyone else’s it is very difficult to learn boundaries and to learn to say no or yes.
If a child doesn’t learn to set boundaries then it is very difficult to do so in adulthood.
Research shows that adults who grew up in enmeshed families and were traumatised by this, struggle with their mental health in adulthood. They may suffer depression and anxiety. They may also find it hard to form healthy, respectful relationships. They are more vulnerable to codependent relationships. They also struggle to separate their emotions and needs from those of others.
The Good News.
As with all trauma, it is possible to heal. It is not easy and it will take a long time for your brain to grow new, healthy connections, but it is possible.
The first step is recognising the enmeshment and what behaviours within the family are enmeshed behaviours and which are not problem behaviours.
• It is possible to learn who you are and learn where your boundaries are.
• It is possible to learn to assert those boundaries in a calm and healthy way.
• You can even learn to say no without feeling guilty!
• It is even possible to learn to set boundaries with your family. It may not always be possible to set boundaries without cutting off contact with your family, that will depend on how mentally healthy individual members are, but you can learn to set limits on contact so that it is healthy and you learn how to heal from this.
• You can learn what is normal family and relationship behaviour and be able to set healthy boundaries around future relationships as well as existing ones. You can also learn to recognise unhealthy relationships that may need to end.
What Other Things Can You Do To Learn Who You Are And Heal?
A competent counsellor who is trained in mindfulness can teach you mindfulness and how to use this to understand the feelings and emotions you experience.
• With this skill you can be taught how to regulate your emotions.
• With mindfulness you can start exploring the things that matter to you, what your values are, what you believe in.
• You can get to know yourself and what you are passionate about. You can recognise the things that really interest you.
• You can learn how to be curious and how to try new things.
• You can learn to connect with others in a healthy way and “find your tribe” who understand you and support you.
• You can learn to be kind to yourself.
Getting Help.
When you have been raised in the difficult environment of an enmeshed family it can be hard to learn what is normal and what is dysfunctional.
It can also be difficult to know how to learn more healthy behaviours.
This is where seeing a counsellor who is skilled in those areas can be helpful.
Can I Help?
I am trained in mindfulness and in trauma counselling. I use mindfulness always in my work with people. If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your family enmeshment, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
It is very easy to get caught up in the pressure to do more. This is particularly so at this time of year when people are sharing their wrap of the old year and their plans for all they are going to do and achieve in the new year.
I recently read an article that suggested another way to respond to this pressure. Instead of a To Do list, it involved a To Don’t List.
How Much Is Okay To Do In A Day?
Before I continue I want to qualify that it is fine to add extra things to your day, if you can do it without overburdening yourself.
For example, A few years ago I found myself waking up between 4 and 5am in the morning. It became an unproductive time for me because I would lie awake worrying about things. This resulted in me waking up feeling quite stressed and often fairly down.
So I decided to add into that time a morning meditation routine. That worked a treat. Instead of lying awake worrying, I spent the time relaxing and focusing on positive things. This was the birth of my “Paint Your Soul” routine and workshops.
When Adding Extra To Your Day Is Not Helpful
But what if normal for you was you sleeping soundly until the alarm sounded and getting up to start your day?
What if you decided to get up earlier to do something you wanted to fit in to your day? What if getting up earlier was not something your body coped with? What if instead you found yourself tired for the rest of the day?
Whereas my earlier start and morning meditation suited my situation, an earlier start may not suit you.
Making The Decision To Pull The Plug On Too Many To Dos
During the years I was raising 4 children, attending to the needs of the family and working part time, I found myself increasingly burdened with too many things to fit in to a day. As a result I was constantly exhausted, struggling to do everything and getting very stressed.
I realised I needed to reduce my workload. It wasn’t easy to do. I decided my priorities were my marriage, my children, clean clothes, clean dishes and food. Everything else was drastically reduced. If it didn’t serve me, it went.
Sometimes to protect yourself and your health you need to be brutal in making decisions to cut back on activities.
Writing A To Don’t List
In this article the writer talked about having a To Don’t List.
This was a decision made to set strict boundaries around her time.
I had To Don’ts. I just didn’t realise I had them.
One was that once the family sat down to eat in the evening the phone would not be answered. I had an answering machine (yes this was a couple of decades ago) so I knew people could leave a message. This allowed the family to focus on eating together, sitting down after dinner to talk or watch television together, and put the children to bed.
Another was to restrict how many invitations a week I accepted. Once I reached the limit I said no to any more invitations. It was hard to miss out on things, but I found it got easier as I enjoyed the time I had to attend to what was important.
Why A Written To Don’t List Works Better
You may have things you decide you won’t do, but find yourself falling into the trap of agreeing to do things on the spur of the moment.
For example, you may decide to spend your day off visiting a friend you haven’t seen in a long time. You haven’t put it in your calendar but you are planning to catch up with them. Then you get a phone call from the group you volunteer with to fill in for another person who is sick. They are so desperate. There is no one else. You find yourself saying yes and cancelling your friend’s visit.
So here’s a worst case scenario. You miss out on catching up with your friend and are never able to have that catch up because your calendars never have a matching gap and your friend suddenly dies.
The charity you volunteer for? You get there and find there are more people there than needed. Later you discover you were the first person they rang and there were a number of people who would have been happy to fill in that day.
You don’t know when you are asked to do something what the future holds. You don’t know if you are desperately needed or not, or whether the person ringing you is anxious about filling a gap in a roster and wants to fill that gap with the minimum number of phone calls.
When you write your To Dont’s down it is easier to stick to them. There is something about the act of writing things down on a list that you can see that makes them harder to ignore.
Someone once told me that she puts everything in her calendar, including taking time out for “me” time. That way when someone contacts her wanting her to do something that clashes with her me time she just says no. It is in her calendar and she has learned the value of “me” time.
Guarding Your Time Is An Ongoing Process
I still fall into the trap of doing too much, especially as so many people want to see me before Christmas and I have so many friends I want to catch up with at many Christmas Gatherings. The past few Christmases I have found myself staggering over the finish line of Christmas Eve and spending Christmas feeling very unwell. Next Christmas? There will be a formal list with To Don’ts around the number of people I can see in a day. I won’t exceed my limit of people I see on a normal day. This is because I love catching up with my friends. Now that my children are grown up I have added my friends to my priority list. They are essential for my well being.
I still make decisions that involve To Don’ts. Now that I have read about To Don’t Lists I will be formalising my To Dont’s and taking them more seriously.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with setting boundaries around your time and deciding what is necessary and how to fit it in to your life, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
