Christmas is coming.
Life is busy.
If you share in a group Christmas with family or friends then there are presents to buy.
There is food to arrange and buy.
There may be Christmas Cards, the annual Christmas email or other contacts to be done.
You may have work deadlines to be meet.
You may be out of work and looking for new work.
Stress levels are high.
You may be worried about missing family members.
You may also be worrying about having to see family members you don’t particularly get along with.
The last thing you need with all the stresses just getting to Christmas is to have to deal with difficult family situations.
You may feel pressured to meet with friends/family out of a sense of obligation.
For many people, meeting with family means being shoved into a family role that you don’t fit.
This can be distressing, frustrating, even traumatising.
There may be too many family secrets you are forced to keep to find anything enjoyable or relaxing about being with family this Christmas.
You may find that your sense of Who you Are is severely challenged by being caught up in the family’s expectations of who you are and how you should behave. Often, your family’s idea of who you are is claustrophobic and triggering.
You may find yourself switching from a strong confident person, to a powerless mess who is unable to set healthy boundaries around your family’s behaviours.
You may find that no matter how firm you are, they just ignore your boundaries.
There are a number of things you can do to manage this
Do you think there is a solution to this family problem? If you do then there are some strategies you can try. I will list them further down this blog.
You may have already tried many strategies and come to the conclusion that the only approach is to put up with them or not go at all.
WHAT IF YOU DON’T GO?
Maybe you will decide it is not worth the stress and you would rather do something else.
Do you have your own immediate family such as a partner, children? Maybe you can try staying home with them and planning your own Christmas.
DECIDING TO GO WHEN THERE ARE CRITICISERS THERE
When family members are unpleasant it is often because you are sensitive to their approval. They are more than happy to make you jump through hoops to get fragments of approval.
Come prepared. Don’t expect their approval. Expect them to be negative. Maybe enlist someone who can support you.
If you feel able. Prepare firm but caring responses to the type of negative comments you expect them to give.
For example: Do they make comments about what you are wearing? Maybe they make a comment about you dressing down for the occasion. Rehearse responses such as: “I like to be comfortable.” Or “I like my outfit and I will wear it when I want to.” You may prefer to take a firmer approach. “I can see it matters to you to give an opinion on my outfit, but I wear clothes to suit me and I don’t seek anyone else’s opinion”. “You frequently make comments about what I wear. I am not interested in your opinion. I wear clothes for me, not for approval.”
These are suggestions of what you might say. If you can find a family member to support you, they may have ideas of something you can say.
Remember, you want to set a boundary so you just need to say something that will communicate to them that their comments are not accepted.
DECIDING TO GO WHEN THERE ARE ORGANISERS THERE
Another problem family member is the one who thinks you are their personal slave. You arrive and are bombarded with instructions on what you are to do. That is fine if everyone is working together to put the party together. However, if you are constantly given the awful jobs you may need to say something such as:
“Every year you give me the same thing to do, this year I want to do (nominate what you want to do) so that is what I will be doing.” If they want to argue, for example: “xx always likes to do that” you can always respond “it is time we all did different jobs”.
If you are the one picked on and others get to sit and relax, may be you need to respond differently. Maybe you can say “I am happy to help you for a few minutes later, but right now I have just arrived and I would like a chance to say hello to everyone and catch my breath.” Make sure later you only help for a few minutes.
It can be really helpful to enlist the support of another family member to back you up. And remember to rehearse your boundary setting statements. You are there to set a boundary and your communication needs to say that. You don’t have to explain yourself, just set that boundary.
WHEN A PAST ABUSER IS PRESENT
This one is very tricky. If your family know about the abuse and still support the other person then they have made a choice to support your abuser. They may claim they are remaining neutral. But sitting on the fence and declaring you are neutral when the elephant is squashing the mouse is not neutral from the mouse’s perspective. By doing nothing you sitting on the fence is supporting the elephant.
Many people fail to understand that allowing such behaviour to continue actually condones the behaviour.
You need to decide whether you can face seeing your abuser. If you can’t, then you may need to find alternative arrangements for Christmas.
You do not have to go to a family gathering when someone who has abused you is there and people are ignoring what has happened.
DO YOU NEED HELP?
It may be you need help to face the coming Christmas. You may need to talk through past trauma. You may need some strategies to cope with a difficult family member. You may need support to decide you will not go.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your family christmas, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz