PLC Blog

I often talk about the need to learn to control your emotions. This is best described as responding rather than reacting.

There is a beautiful story that illustrates this:

A long time ago, when men lived by the sword, a wise man lived in a small community far away in the mountains. He lived simply and spent most of his time meditating. Occasionally people came to him for wise advice, which he was willing to give.

One day an arrogant young man came to see him. The man was a warrior and used his brute strength to get what he wanted in life. He came confidently into the place where the wise man sat and strode up to him. The warrior was used to getting what he wanted, when he wanted it. He strode towards the wise man and demanded he explain the idea of Heaven and Hell.

The wise man replied: “You are an ill-disciplined bully, why should I answer your question?”

The warrior was angered by this response and drew his sword and screamed to the wise man “I could kill you where you stand!”

The wise man replied, “That is Hell.”

The warrior was shocked by the wise man’s response. He found the wise man’s words calmed him and he put his sword back in its sheath. Then, humbled, he bowed and thanked the wise man for his answer.

The wise man replied, “And that is heaven.”

I love the way that story describes the difference between reacting and responding. We see the impetuous warrior initially react to the wise man. But wise man is calm and speaks without emotion. He responds with a carefully considered response which has the effect of calming the warrior. The contrast between the carefully considered response and the impetuous anger of the warrior is not lost on him. He feels foolish for overreacting and calms down. He then responds humbly. He has learned to respond to another instead of reacting.

The wise man equates hell as the difficult, conflict ridden, stressful life of those who react to situations.

In contrast, the wise man equates heaven as the smooth, peaceful life without conflict of those who choose to respond to situations.

Most of the time we can make a choice to stop and think, then respond. But we are not always capable of such responses. When situations in life trigger old memories, then we can find ourselves only able to react. It is helpful to seek counselling in order to change those triggers. I will explain more about that in the next blog.

This is an area of counselling I specialise in. Why not ring today to make an appointment to see me?

Making decisions about your life direction are often difficult. There is rarely a clear cut yes or now answer to that. Additionally, deciding to do something will often lead to change, and change can be difficult. Below are eight questions you can ask yourself before you make a decision.

1. Does this opportunity fit with my strengths?
   Is this something I will be able to do? It is important to bear in mind that you do not have to be competent using your strengths. Competence comes with use. It is enough to know you have the ability to work with this opportunity.
2. Does this opportunity fit with my skills?
   Skills are different to strengths. Skills are where we have learned to complete a task. Strengths are more about what things we can do well. When taking an opportunity it is helpful to consider whether your skills will allow you to work with that opportunity.
3. Have my life experiences prepared me for this opportunity?
   Everything you do or experience in life is useful for you in the future. There is always something to learn from life’s experiences and utilising that learning into new opportunities is important. Never underestimate the usefulness of your experiences.
4. What do people I trust most say about it?
   When in doubt it can be helpful to ask someone you trust. Their answer can guide you, but should not be the sole reason you accept or reject an opportunity.
5. If I say yes what will it mean saying no to?
   Saying yes to an opportunity means change. Change means there are things you will not be able to do any more. It is important to consider that and decide if you are willing to stop doing some things.
6. If I say no what will it mean saying yes to?
   While deciding what you will have to stop if you say yes, it is important to also consider what you may be able to do if you say no. Sometimes, the deliberation process around whether to accept an opportunity can reveal areas of your current life that you can change instead. All these options are very useful.
7. When I look back in 10 years, will this be the story I want to share?
   This one speaks for itself. Considering what your future attitude to this opportunity is can be helpful in deciding what to do. Think about it. If you say no, do you think you will regret that decision in 10 years?
8. What does my gut instinct say?
   Ultimately, your decision is about what your gut instinct or your body tells you is right. Gut instinct can override the previous steps. It can be difficult in life to listen to your gut instinct. So often in childhood, children are taught to do what they are told and forced to override their inner voice telling them no. Many adults have learned to mistrust their gut instinct. Yet that instinct is your brain telling you things you may not consciously be aware of. Something about your opportunity may be telling your subconscious brain that the situation looks dangerous. Your body may be trying to tell you to say no to the opportunity. But your conscious mind may be telling you all the reasons why you should say yes and to override that reluctance to say yes.

Finally, there are no right or wrong answers in decision making. You may make a decision you believe is the right one and it doesn’t work out. But that is not necessarily a disaster. You have learned from the experience and you will have greater skills and experience to use when making the next decision. Never underestimate the learning power of decisions that didn’t work out well.

With the increasing knowledge of the extent of child sexual abuse, many parents wonder how they can safeguard their children. The best way to protect your child is to educate them about their bodies and their right to say no. An important follow on from that is that your child learns that everyone’s body should be respected and touching without permission is not acceptable. Your child also learns that No means no. This is important not just in childhood but through the teenage years and into adulthood. Boys learn to respect the bodies of girls and also learn to seek permission. Girls learn they have the right to say no. Children also learn self respect and respect for others.

1. The first thing to teach your child is the correct names for body parts. This is important for children to be able to feel comfortable about their bodies and also respect their bodies. This allows your child to expect others to respect his or her body as well.
2. Teach your child the parts of their body that are private body parts. One suggested way is to explain that what is under their swimmers as well as their mouth is private.
3. Instruct your child that no one can touch their private body parts. Reinforce to them that their body belongs to them.
4. Explain to your child that they must never touch another person’s private body parts even if an older child or adult asks them to.
5. Discuss with your child feelings they may have that may tell them they are uncomfortable or frightened in a situation (early warning signs). These may be sweaty palms, a racing heart, feeling sick and many more. Instruct them to always act on these feelings.
6. Teach your child to shout “STOP” or “NO” with their hand held out if anyone tries to touch them on their private body parts or in any way they do not like.
7. Teach your child to tell a trusted adult straightaway if they are touched on their private body parts, in any way they do not like or their early warning signs are activated.
   Sadly in this world children are often let down by the very people who are supposed to protect them. This is often referred to as the second trauma of sexual abuse. There is the trauma of the sexual abuse, then the trauma of the trusted adult who fails to support the child. Always take what your child tells you seriously. Do this even though it may be uncomfortable for you to hear it.
8. Teach your child to not give up if a trusted adult fails to support them or acts as though they do not believe them. Teach your child to keep telling people until someone listens and acts.
9. Explain to your child that keeping secrets that make them feel uncomfortable or bad is wrong. Teach them to only keep happy surprises. If it makes them feel uncomfortable or bad then they need to tell someone. Advise them they will not get into trouble for telling someone.
10. Encourage your child to always be strong, to be brave and to ALWAYS speak out.

Critical thinking is often seen as something you need to pursue further education, but it is also important in navigating your way through life.
Consider these thinking behaviours that are used to communicate with others.

1.Clarity.
It is important when communicating with others that you are able to communicate your thoughts and wants clearly. You may need to add more detail to your words to assist the other person to understand. You may need to provide an example of what you want. People will not always automatically what you want and you need to pay attention to making sure the other person understands.

2.Accuracy.
It is important that what you say is accurate. It is more helpful to others if you give accurate information. If the information you give is inaccurate and they know that, you are less likely to achieve what you want from the communication.

3.Precision.
Being precise is a good way to ensure the other person understands exactly what you want. Make sure you give enough detail to aid understanding.

4.Relevance.
Is what you are saying relevant to what you want? Or does it make expressing what you want to unclear so the other person is struggling to understand what you are actually saying or asking?

5.Depth.
Depth involves thinking through the way you are going to say something to ensure the other person is able to understand. This allows you to explain any misunderstanding should it arise.

6.Breadth.
Breadth is about you considering the other person’s point of view and needs. In this way you will be able to acknowledge any difficulties they may encounter in relation to what you are communicating and will also increase your chance of achieving an outcome you are happy with.

7.Logic.
As you prepare to say something, consider whether it makes sense. It is hard to understand another person if their words do not make sense. Using too many words or trying to fit too many concepts into what you are saying make understanding of your communication difficult. It is better to present one idea at a time and work through your ideas logically.

8.Fairness.
It is important to appear fair in what you say. Show through the way you put the words together that you have considered the other person’s needs. Ensure you have considered whether your request is fair and show that through the way you acknowledge the other person’s needs. Indicate a willingness to find a solution that will suit both of you.

9.Significance.
Make sure you focus your words on the most important part of the communication. This allows the other person to understand its importance. Too many ideas and the wrong focus can lead to the other person not understanding what you are saying and thinking the focus is something else. So think about what you are going to say and ask yourself which words are the most important and what is the most important thing you want the other person to know.

Nothing is more disheartening than a person who criticises. This is especially so with the person who is constantly finding fault with what you are doing. So how can you deal with them?

1. Don’t take it personally.
   One way to deal with them is to see what they are saying as being about them, not you. A critical person finds fault with others because they don’t feel good about themself. By turning what they are saying around and seeing it as them wanting to spread some misery because they feel unhappy, it can help you not to be deflated by the negative things they are saying.
2. Look at the comments objectively.
   Another way to deal with them is to look more objectively at what the person is saying. They may have some valid feedback to give, they are just saying it in a negative way. If you look at what they are saying, with all the emotive language removed, the comments may not be so bad.
3. See it as honest feedback.
   Another way to deal with the comments objectively is to see them as honest feedback. You can choose to accept or reject the feedback once you have considered it. Another person’s feedback is not always accurate.
4. Give attention to your inner discomfort.
   Stop to consider the discomfort you are feeling. What is that discomfort about? Do you feel uncomfortable being judged? Is this person undermining your attempt to become confident with what you are doing? Are you wanting the approval of others? Once you understand what the discomfort is about you can then choose an inner response to it.
5. Don’t ask for opinions if you are not prepared to accept a negative answer.
   Sometimes the critical person gives their critical comments without you requesting them. In that case this one doesn’t apply. Sometimes, however, the critical comment is given after you have asked for feedback on how you are going. In that case, avoid asking a known critical person for a comment. If you are not sure how the person will respond, it is better not to ask. Instead ask someone you know will give helpful, constructive feedback.
6. Ignore the criticism.
   While we are on the subject of feedback, one thing you can do is choose to see the comment as feedback. Feedback is based on another person’s observations and their thoughts around what they have observed. The other person’s feedback is their opinion, not fact. You can choose whether you accept their opinion, or part of it, as valid or whether you reject their opinion as not valid. If you refuse to accept the opinion, it does not belong to you.
7. Show the person kindness.
   Often critical people need kindness from other people. It is a bit like the principle of the child who is not getting attention from its parent when it needs it, so it does something naughty to get the attention it needs. Often critical people are just looking for attention, to be noticed. Just as the child considers any attention, even bad attention, is worth it, the critical person sees the attention their criticism attracts, even if it is negative, as worth it. Being kind to them and thanking them for their opinion (while internally rejecting it) will give them the kindness they seek and may put them off being negative to you again. Even if that approach does not stop their critical comments in future, you will feel better for being kind to another person rather than being angry. So do it for you and your sense of well being.
8. Avoid them.
   If all else fails, and they are really getting you down, then wherever possible avoid them.

Seeing a counsellor can also help. In a counselling session you can explore those vulnerable parts of you that the criticism hurts and learn strategies to deal effectively with the criticism. You can learn strategies to set firm boundaries around critical people as well. Discussing your experience with a counsellor, who is objective, can also help you to see the person’s behaviour more objectively. Being able to share your experience with a counsellor who will listen without judgement is also extremely helpful.

One of the hardest times in life is when you find yourself in a place where there is so much pain it is hard to go on. That pain can be physical in origin, or it may be emotional in origin. Whatever the source of the pain it is there. And you may find yourself in a place where it hurts so much you don’t know how to go on.

It is hard when you feel life is too hard to go on with. You may reach out for help. If you are lucky the person you reach out to will listen to you and support you. Sadly that is often not the case. Jodie came to see me because, when her family in financial difficulties she had lost her job. She felt she had let her family down and should be contributing to the family rather than being a drain on them. She blamed herself for her job loss. She had reached out to her doctor after she found herself spending her days lying in bed thinking she was useless and only cost her husband and children money. She believed the terrible financial situation her family was in was her fault. She concluded she was better off dead. One part of her felt she should try to get help so she went to her doctor. She told the doctor she was feeling life was too hard and she wanted to kill herself. The doctor put her off by telling her she would discuss this later and then insisted she have blood tests to check her cholesterol levels and check for diabetes. The doctor’s reasoning was that she hadn’t had these tests for a few years and she was due for more. The doctor was not interested in even discussing her suicidal feelings. Two more doctor visits and the doctor never mentioned her suicidal feelings, even when she tried to talk about them to her. Fortunately she came to see me and was able to talk and be heard. Today she is feeling much better and does not spend her days crying and wanting to kill herself.

What was she able to do through counselling? What helped her is listed below.

1. She realised her pain was valid. She came to counselling believing she had no right to be hurting at the terrible turn her life had taken. She came believing the horrible things happening to her family were her fault. She realised first that the pain she was feeling was genuine and very real. It was no surprise she was hurting after losing her job and being so worried about how the family would cope with one less income. When she realised her pain was valid, a lot of the stress she experienced about feeling that way went. She realised it was okay to feel devastated at losing her job. She understood it was okay to hurt and worry about her family finances. She was able to see that it was not her fault. Once she understood these things, it was easier to deal with the pain and talk about it to her family.

2. She realised she was not weak for thinking her family would be better off if she killed herself. What was happening for her was that she was overwhelmed with things in her life and was struggling to cope. She was experiencing a situation that would cause other people great stress. Her reaction was understandable. That helped her feel less alone and less ashamed of talking about her feelings.

3. She realised that she had a right to ask for help and receive it. Feeling suicidal did not mean she had lost the right to get help. Someone in that level of physical pain would not feel they had no right to ask for help. She came to learn that those suffering emotional pain had the right to ask for help as well. Jodie also realised that she felt ashamed at needing to visit a counsellor. She was able to work through those feelings of shame. She learned that asking for help was a strong, healthy thing to do.

4. Jodie had struggled with friends who dismissed her feelings. One told her she was attention seeking. Jodie realised she deserved support from her friends. She made the decision to distance herself from the unsupportive friends and not feel guilty at doing so. She deserved to be supported. A true friend will offer support and love, not lack of support or judgement. She learned that she had two lovely caring friends who were very supportive for her during her healing and continue to support her today. She realised she had a right to expect understanding, support and validation of her pain.

5. Jodie learned she did not need to feel guilty at wanting to kill herself. She realised she had internalised the belief that suicide was a crime and wrong. This had held her back from asking for help initially. Then it had caused her to not want to tell anyone she was seeing a counsellor. After a number of sessions she was able to challenge that belief. With counselling she was able to challenge also the belief she was a burden on her family.

6. Finally Jodie was able to work through the pain she had been feeling and come to the realisation that the pain was temporary. One day she found herself feeling moments of happiness. Another day she found herself coming up with a plan of something to do to help herself and her family. She came to the realisation that she was finding joy in her life again. She felt that was an important learning. She determined that if she felt this much pain again she could know that the pain was only temporary and that she needed to seek help to assist her to work through the pain.

Can you think of five things you like about yourself?

This is something people often find hard to do.

Ask people to list the things they hate about themselves and a lengthy list will often be the result.

Why is it so hard to find things to like about yourself but so easy to find the things you hate about yourself?

Part of this problem is our culture. We are taught not to talk about the things we are good at. To talk about those things is seen as immodest and boastful. To be boastful is to be really bad. So you feel you can’t talk about what you are good at without feeling shame at speaking of it. There is a difference between being honest about what you do well and being boastful. It is okay to admit to something you do well in the right context in a conversation. The obvious time for that is a job interview. Another good example is when someone pays you a compliment. Maybe another person comments on how the colour of your clothes suits you, or that your hair is lovely. The fearful response is to make a disparaging response to that. Like the “this old thing” response. Of course that is quite a rejection of the other person. The healthy response is to say “thank you”, or “I love this colour” Being boastful would be dominating a conversation talking about your prowess at something at length when it is not the right time to discuss that.

Another part of the problem is that many people are so used to seeing their faults, they cannot see their good points.

One thing I do with clients who have difficulty with positive self worth is to ask them to fill in the list of their good points.

Here is a challenge. Can you list five things you like about yourself?

There is a lot of misunderstanding about self-harm. It is frequently linked with suicide, although not all people who self-harm feel suicidal or take action to end their lives. It is however always a good idea if you ever become aware of someone you care for who self-harms to ask them if they feel like killing themselves. But remember, their answer may be no. So what is self-harm about? This is what the ‘C’s are about:

Coping and crisis intervention

If you talk to someone who self-harms they will tell you they self-harm as a way of coping in life’s crisis events. A good example is of a young woman who is out walking. A child walking in the opposite direction bumps into her. This triggers feelings of “why am I always picked on”, “Why do people always hurt me”. These are out of proportion to what has happened, but links to past experiences that were more traumatising have been triggered. The young woman starts to feel angry at the unfairness of life, while at the same time feeling powerless. These feelings lead her to feel anxious and unsafe. Her response to that is the dissociate herself from the feelings and she feels numb and out of it. Now she feels no pain. She self-harms and doesn’t feel it, but her body does and her brain releases endorphins, our natural pain killer. The endorphins act to reduce her feelings of anxiety. So she feels better. This is the first ‘C’ of self-harm – self harming to feel better.

Calming and comforting

In the example above, the young woman found cutting herself was calming and comforting. This is often referred to as self-soothing. Self-soothing is something a child learns from being comforted by its parents. A child who does not have that comfort will not learn to self-soothe. Self-harm is a coping strategy that is used to calm and comfort. It is highly effective as a tool for calming, but it is a tool that is harmful in other ways. A person who self-harms needs to learn other calming strategies. That takes time.

Control

Another aspect of self-harm is the feeling of control. For someone whose life has been one of powerlessness and limited control, self-harm can be a way to feel in control. Another aim of therapy is to help the person so feel empowered and in control so that self-harm can be replaced as a strategy.

Cleansing

For some people, self-harm is a punishment for things they think they have done wrong in the past. In those circumstances, self-harm can feel very cleansing, as though their guilt and shame is being expunged by the act of self-harm.

Confirmation of existence

Many who self-harm will report they feel alive when they self-harm. It is a way to turn off the numbness. Some who cut themselves and draw blood say that they know they are alive when they see the blood flowing. When life has been traumatic, the person often dissociates from reality and self-harm brings them back. It helps the person feel more alive and connected to others.

Creating comfortable numbness

For others, the self-harm makes them feel numb. They report that is a good place to be because they do not have to feel any unpleasant feelings but instead can retreat into a place where feelings cannot be felt.

Chastisement

Chastisement is similar to cleansing, but it is more about things happening in the present. A boy desperate to get top marks in his exams may self-harm as punishment for not working hard enough to get top marks.

Communication.

Although the person who self-harms hides what they have done, it is a form of communication. The marks say “I need help”. Because they are hidden, they are not often seen. It takes a lot of trust in a person for one who self-harms to show what they have been doing. For the person themself, the wound of self-harm is visible evidence of the pain they are feeling. Having a physical injury makes it okay to have pain. Should anyone else see the wounds, then the pain can be witnessed by others. For people who have suffered abuse in childhood, the wounds become a narrative of the abuse they suffered. For many children suffering abuse, the abuse is kept quiet and the child can be punished for speaking about it. In this case the wound is a way to speak of the abuse without saying anything.

Most people who self-harm seek to hide what they are doing. They may not be willing to let anyone know what is going on. It takes a lot of courage for a self-harmer to let another person know what is happening. Some of the things that prevent people from revealing their self-harm are:

• feelings of embarrassment and guilt;
• being frightened of how their parents or the person they have told will react;
• not wanting their parents to know and being frightened the person they tell will not maintain confidentiality;
• fear that they will be judged negatively and labelled negatively;
• fear that their parents will not be able to afford counselling;
• a negative experience with seeking help in the past;
• now knowing what support is available for them;
• not perceiving what they are doing as being dangerous.

The job of counsellor is not to judge the person who self-harms or force them to stop. People will stop self-harming when they are ready to. What I can do as a counsellor is help my client to learn new coping behaviours to use instead of self-harm. One approach is to teach my clients self-harm is a form of communication and offer other ways to communicate such as art, poetry, story writing or journaling.

The release of endorphins is an important way people who self-harm soothe themselves. There are many safe ways to release endorphins and I will help my clients explore those safe ways and learn how to replace self-harm with a safer way.

I will also teach my clients alternative ways to self-soothe that are not harmful.

These three things form the acronym CARESS (Communicate Alternatively, Release Endorphins, Self-Soothe). Once my client has identified other strategies to use I encourage them to use CARESS whenever the urge to self-harm arises, before self-harming. In other words, they are to try a different form of communication, such as painting, then release endorphins, for example by taking a brisk walk, then self-soothe by movement such as rocking or calling a friend.

Over time, clients learn to use different strategies to deal with the 8 ‘C’s and learn how not to self-harm.

I want to acknowledge Lisa Ferentz from whom I learned the CARESS approach to working with self-harm.

So does 8 plus 1, and 7 plus 2, and 5 plus 4.

There are many different ways to get 9.

My point?

In life there are many different ways to do things. Often we have a set idea of how to achieve something but others have their own ideas. That does not make your idea wrong and it does not make the idea of others wrong.

Similarly, you have your own opinions on things, and others have theirs. That does not make your opinion wrong, or the opinion of others.

In life there is a lot of diversity.

There is also diversity in abilities and in the way our brains work. You may have heard the terms neurotypical and neurodiversity being used. In a world where an increasing number of people are being diagnosed with autism those terms are becoming more common. Neurotypical is used to describe people whose brains are considered to work in a ‘normal’ way. That would be the majority of people. But it is becoming increasingly clear there are different ways for people’s brains to work and this is what the term neurodiversity refers to.

There are not really that many more people with autism than in previous generations. There are just more being diagnosed. Early autism research was first published in the 1940s. This research studied groups of people who had been well known for generations. There were two research papers. One by Leo Kanner in America was research on people who were non verbal and had limited functioning. The other research paper was by Hans Asperger and was published in Austria during World War II. This paper was in German and was only known in the rest of the world in the 1980s. Asperger studied those people who functioned in society very well but had different ways of thinking and behaving. These are the people described as having Aspergers. Nowadays they would be referred to as people with Autism but who have a high level of functioning.

Because of the difficulty with communication of those who were non verbal, and the difficulty coping with academic assessments based on neurotypical people, many people with Autism were diagnosed as learning impaired and considered to be less intelligent than others. What is now known is that many on the Autism Spectrum are actually more intelligent than others and with support can achieve academically.

Children with Autism require support to help them achieve in a neurotypical world. There are those who argue that those children are a drain on the economy because of the amount of money it is perceived is spent on them, but it is important to remember that many other children need support as well. And they receive it. It is increasingly difficult for children to manage in this world. As a society we should be alert to the needs of all children and seek to meet them.

We should always remember that there is more than one way to get 9 as an answer and there is more than one way for a person to be a contributing member of society.

I have a lot of experience with autism and last year conducted research into the experience of parents whose adult children were diagnosed with autism in adulthood. I have a personal interest in this, my own daughter was diagnosed at age 25 with autism. So I have experienced some of the ups and downs described by other parents. I have found that I work with a lot of parents who have a child with autism. One thing my research participants and the other parents I see all say is that other people “don’t get it”. For this reason I am diversifying my practice to include support for parents in that situation because there is a great need for that level of support.

I will be writing blogs on the subject of autism in the coming months.

In the meantime, if you are a parent of a child, or other person you are close to, with autism and you want support, please ring me to make an appointment on 0409396608.

There will always be times in our lives when feel we have done something wrong and seek forgiveness because that is what we think we need. Certainly being forgiven by the person we seek forgiveness from allows us to feel unburdened. We feel we have done something wrong. And that may be something we have really done wrong, or something we think we have done wrong. These wrongs possess energy that is negative and ties us into the relationship with the person we believe we have wronged. Every person we feel we have wronged is energy we carry that ties us to that person. Imagine all those ties for all the people we feel we need forgiveness from. We get so many they get very tangled. They impact on our relationships and carry over into all aspects of our lives.

At the core of this energy and the ties accompanying it is the belief that this can only be released through being forgiven by the other person. That is all and good, but if we give the other person the power to give us forgiveness we lose our own opportunity to reclaim our worth and goodness.

Forgiveness for our wrongs lies with us. We have to forgive ourselves for failing to be perfect, for hurting someone else, for saying the wrong thing, for what we have done that we judge is not perfect.

When you are caught up in feeling bad about what you feel you have done to another person you need to let it go and move on. Letting it go and moving on means forgiving yourself.

Below are the five reasons you should seek your own forgiveness.

1.The other person may not forgive you.

It may be that the guilt and shame you are carrying is so far into the past that you are no longer in contact with the person whose forgiveness you seek. Or they may not want to forgive you for whatever reason. It is you that needs to forgive you, not the other person.

2. If you don’t forgive yourself then how will you keep going?

There is never just one incident in life that we seek forgiveness over. There are always multiple ones. Imagine carrying all that pain and unforgiveness for the rest of your life. It would be like carrying a ton weight around with you. Release it so that you can get on with your life.

3. You can’t forgive others if you can’t forgive yourself.

It is a valid lesson to consider that if you cannot forgive yourself, you will never be able to forgive others. It is important to accept that we all make mistakes. Mistakes are a great learning opportunity. So instead of beating yourself up about mistakes you have made, treat yourself with compassion and forgive yourself. Once you have learned to give this to yourself, you can give it to others.

4. The shame of the past can only be transformed through forgiveness.

Much of unforgiveness is tied up in shame at your own behaviour. Shame impacts on your behaviour and can lead to you hurting people even more as you react angrily in response to your own shame. Approach that shame with compassion and release it.

5. To accept and value yourself you must embrace both virtues and flaws.

Compassion for yourself means you accept you do good things and also things that are not good. You are not perfect. No one is. You will make mistakes in life and you will cause hurt to others. Your mistakes are not you, they are just mistakes. Acknowledge you are not perfect. Give yourself compassionate acceptance and choose how you will live your life.

There are some things you can do to reduce the hurt you cause others:

• Learn to practice conscious living. This means paying attention to what is going on around you. It means stopping to think about what may be going on for another person. It means listening to others. When you do that you are less likely to inadvertently hurt others. So often, we hurt others because we are ignorant of their situation or we do not understand their situation enough to have empathy for them. If we don’t stop and pay attention to what is happening to another person, then we will be more likely to be harsh with them and do something to hurt them. In the process you will also become a better friend and colleague, because you will be more likely to notice the difficulties others are facing and act with compassion.
• When you do something to hurt another person, or make a mistake, accept what you have done. Don’t try to deny what you have done. Also don’t seek to justify your actions or put the blame on someone else. Take responsibility for your actions. It may not seem that way, but this has a positive outcome. Taking responsibility for your actions is very empowering. It allows you to feel more in control of your life. It won’t necessarily prevent things happening to you, but it will guide your effective response to them. When things happen, you will feel better able to make calm, effective decisions on how to act.
• When you take responsibility for your actions you will notice that the sky doesn’t fall on your head! People are a lot more understanding of someone who admits what they did than you may think. Yes, doing the wrong thing often hurts. Ouch, that hurt. Acknowledge that and allow yourself to feel the pain and heal from it. Forgiving yourself is an important step to take to allow that pain to heal.
• Increase your self awareness of your emotions and do not be afraid of them. Be willing to admit when you feel anger, or resentment, or sadness or any other feelings. So often those feelings are the ones that cause you to react defensively and cause hurt to others. Don’t allow that to happen. Be aware the feelings have come and learn how to respond to them so that you don’t react defensively.
• Mindfulness is a wonderful thing to learn to allow yourself to become more self aware and better able to put those emotions aside and not react to them.
• Do remember that you will slip up every so often. And when that happens don’t judge yourself or expect yourself to be perfect. Forgive yourself your human weaknesses.

So often we feel we do not have the power to stand up to the things life presents to us. We hide that fear by trying to be perfect, using that as a defensive strategy. That makes it hard because it reduces our ability to ask for help when we need it.

Some people hide under perfectionism, feeling unworthy of love or good things. They judge themselves harshly and feel very bad about themselves. They can seek to protect themselves by being harsh and judgmental towards others. The trouble is, if you judge others then you also judge yourself. It is not possible to be understanding towards yourself and judgmental to others. If you judge others you will judge yourself. If you forgive yourself, you will forgive others.

Another problem that can be faced on the journey of learning self compassion and self forgiveness is the knowledge that there are people that do not like you. That is such a terrible rejection. It is part of our nature to feel shame when we are rejected. Sometimes that shame is tied up in memories of past times we have done things we regret. It is important when on this journey to acknowledge that bad things you have done in the past and apply forgiveness and compassion to them. These shameful aspects of ourselves, when we were not perfect, were referred to by Carl Jung as our shadow side. We are frightened of our shadow side because it does not match what we want to believe about ourselves as good people. The shadow side is scary and imperfect. It is full of remorse and shame.

Remorse is not a problem, but shame is. Shame says I am a bad person. I can’t do anything right. I am awful. Remorse says I wish I hadn’t done that. What can I change to reduce my chances of doing that again? Remorse acknowledges it happened and moves forward to change responses in the future. It accepts we are human. Shame tries to halt our progress. Remorse is a positive sign our level of awareness is increasing and we are growing into the person we want to be. Remorse brings with it its companions of compassion and forgiveness. It allows us to accept our human failings, take a deep cleansing breath and let go of the past. From that point we can step forward.

This can be summed up as acknowledge, forgive and start anew. Remember, the path to forgiveness is not an instant one. We will have to keep revisiting it, whether it is about forgiving ourselves or forgiving others. You will occasionally remember those shameful things, but with self compassion and a commitment to forgiveness, you will be able to move forward. You will find that remembering will happen less and less until a time comes when you rarely remember, if at all.