PLC Blog

Wise words if you are on a boat. But they also apply to the difficulties we face in life. When we are dealing with difficult emotions it is often tempting to avoid facing them head on. It hurts too much. But the emotions keep coming. They don’t go away because we don’t want to deal with them. It is like being on a boat. Those waves exist. They can’t be avoided. All we can do is go over them in the safest way we can. That is head on.
If the waves we encounter are emotions and difficult feelings, we can try to ignore them and suppress them. We can try to distract ourselves with activity or alcohol or anything else that seems to hide the pain. But those actions do not remove the pain. They are like the boat approaching the wave sideways. We are more likely to capsize if we try to ignore and suppress our difficult feelings.
Dealing with the pain of loss is hard enough. Trying to avoid those emotions is harder still.
You may be used to suppressing the emotions. That may have been the way you were taught to attend to grief. You may not know how to approach the wave head on.
This is where counselling can help. Seeing an experienced grief counsellor can help you to learn to face your pain head on, learn how to sit with it and be okay. It is always possible to learn how to face that wave head on.

If you talk to an adult who has had a traumatic childhood, you will find a common theme running through their experience. That of guilt, or more accurately, shame. For the adult who emotionally, physically or sexually abuses a child, the blame for their bad behaviour is assigned to the child. “I wouldn’t hit you if you weren’t doing ….”, “I wouldn’t scream at you if you were good …”. And so on. Even when the child is not told they are to blame, it is normal for that child to accept blame. When a child feels to blame then they feel shame. Blame is about “you did something wrong”. Shame is about “I am a bad person”.
For a child, developing through the stages of dependence on their caregiver/s and feeling as one with that person, to understanding they are a separate person and discovering independence, the world does not operate the way we as adults see it operating. A young child will see the parents it depends on as being right. When the child is physically, emotionally or sexually abused they believe they must be the one who is wrong. I remember as a 5 or 6 year old, trying to be good because it was wrong to be bad. My measure of being good was whether my father would yell at me or hit me, or my mother would tell me how useless I was. This was evidence that I was bad. I never managed to get through a day without evidence that I was bad. I would be so disappointed that I couldn’t be better, and I would desperately try to work out what I had done wrong. This is a common experience for abused children. Whatever the abuse, the child believes and may also be told, it is their fault.
For a long time as an adult I was too ashamed to tell others what had happened to me as a child. This was because I believed people would look at me as being a bad person and I was ashamed of the evidence of me being bad. The first counsellor I summoned to courage to tell about some of my abuse told me I had a faulty personality. She was very new, inexperienced, and had no understanding of trauma. The next time I summoned the courage to talk to someone it was a psychologist who jumped in when I had spoken a few sentences and told me the problem was that my mother had post natal depression. She didn’t and that didn’t explain why my father was the way he was. I never went back to that woman. Then I discovered a counsellor who understood trauma. In fact she had experienced it. I tentatively told her about my experiences and instead of condemning me she made the comment that there was nowhere safe for me as a child. That was amazing. Her compassion and acknowledgement of something I had not realised was a great relief. Since then I have found other trauma understanding counsellors and have myself become trauma trained.
I understand that many adults still carry great guilt at the trauma they were exposed to as children. I will tell you the blame lies with the adults who failed to be adults and instead abused their power over you. I will listen as you tell me what you want to tell me. I will believe you. I will not tell you your personality is defective. I will not jump in and interpret your parent’s behaviour. I will listen. I will ensure you are safe in sessions, which may mean I ask you to stop telling me about your trauma for a little while because I can see it is triggering you and pushing you into a terrifying place. I will teach you how to find a safe place when those trauma memories come calling. I will teach you why you get triggered. I will tell you how amazing you are to have survived. I will help you to see the behaviours you learned as a child that allowed you to survive and help you to change the ones that no longer help you.
I will use a number of different methods to help you talk about the trauma you wish to talk about, to heal the memories and to learn new ways of being. That may involve sand play, art work, writing, journaling, story telling, symbols, movement, somatic work, even talking.
Never forget, the guilt of your childhood trauma does not belong with you. It belongs with those who traumatised you.

Sometimes the pain is so bad all you can do is cling on as it washes over you and trust you will be there when it has passed.

When I think of the terrible pain of grief, I think of being caught on the shore in a raging storm. I am clinging to a rock. The wind and waves break over me. As I am buffeted by the wind and the waves try to tear me away, I am desperately clinging to that rock. As I cling to the rock I just hope my grip lasts the storm. There are lulls in the ferocity of the storm. Sometimes the wind drops and is not so powerful. Sometimes the waves do not reach me. The sun may even come out for a short while. I may venture along the shore lines. But inevitably the storm returns and I am clinging to that rock again. Desperately hanging on through the raging of the wind and waves.

For many people, this is what grief feels like. There are times when it seems almost normal. Then there are times when you wonder if you will survive the storm. Most people work out that this is how grief is. They may not understand it is pretty normal to experience this. But they will understand it is their normal for now.

In this picture of grief, there is another object. That is the rock to which you cling.

What is that rock?

For some, it is faith in God, or some higher being. For some it is family. For others it is friends. Someone else may find their rock is a support group or a counsellor. Those rocks tend to work well.

Other people may find rocks that are less sturdy. They usually work for a while but are very unstable rocks and inevitably will fail and you won’t be there when the storm has passed.

As I mentioned earlier, some people find visiting a counsellor is a great rock for them to cling to. It can be helpful to talk to someone who understands grief and will listen rather than tell you what to do or ask you why you aren’t over it yet. Counsellors can help you work through your grief and find a way to move forward. A counsellor can help you find those sunny times and teach you the skills to hold on during the storms.

For those who have not found sturdy rocks, counselling can be very effective at helping you to find a sturdier rock that won’t fail you. A counsellor can teach you the skills you need to cling to that rock and know that you can do it.

When choosing a counsellor, it is important to check that counsellor’s qualifications. There are many out there who say they are counsellors but do not have counselling qualifications. A counselling qualification is a bachelor’s degree in counselling as a minimum. I have a bachelor and master’s degree in counselling. I am also trained in Grief counselling and have extensive experience in these areas. I am passionate about helping people to survive and effectively navigate this experience in their life. If you need help clinging to that rock, call me on 0409 396 608 or email me on nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au. I am available for face to face appointments in my rooms in Buderim, or for those who live further away I am available for Skype appointments.

Why not call today and learn how to cling to that rock.

“A healer does not heal you. A healer is someone who holds space for you while you awaken your inner healer, so that you may heal yourself.” Quote by Maryam Hasnaa

Many people who come to see me tell me how they have battled without success for years to heal themselves of childhood trauma. I understand that. That has been my journey too. In light of that, it may sound like a contradiction to say that you heal yourself, but that is true. We do heal ourselves, but rarely are we able to do that without the assistance of another person.

The other person, the healer, is able to see things you cannot see. They can help you to see those things too. They understand if you can’t see something, you can’t heal it. The healer is able to identify things that are important, that you may rush over because of your past trauma. The healer knows how to help you to sit with those things to allow them to heal. The healer allows you to do that without you being retraumatised.

The healer knows various techniques to help you safely explore and release past hurts. The healer understands that trauma is stored in the body and is not afraid to help you release that pain.

The healer has experience in working with trauma and understands the importance of you finding a safe place to be when working with trauma gets too much. The healer has trained in various proven safe ways to help others heal their trauma. That is who you need to see to heal your trauma.

Healers often have their own trauma history. They understand what you are going through. They care about your and are passionate about helping you heal.

I am a healer. I have my own trauma history and I understand the scars it leaves, the work involved in healing and the strengths those who have survived to this point in life have. I will not tell you about my own history, unless it is vitally important (it rarely is). I will understand the scars you carry. I will respect the work you have put in thus far and will continue to put in to heal. I will look on your strengths that have allowed you to put in that work and also survive and I will be in awe of them. I will show you those strengths because it is possible you have not seen them.

I have trained in many approaches to trauma work. The main training has been with the Blue Knot Foundation in their trauma recovery guidelines. I have learned from some of the great names in Trauma Therapy such as Bessel van der Kolk, Babette Rothschild and Pat Ogden. I am constantly learning new ways to work. I understand the importance of addressing the trauma memories stored in your body.

I am passionate about helping others to live plentiful lives as they recover from past trauma.

I can help you face to face or via Skype. If you would like my help please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

“Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing, sometimes the water is calm and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” -Viki Harrison

Grief is not easy. It is not easy to come to terms with, to process. It is not easy to manage the expectations of others as to how quickly you should be “getting over it” or how much you should be visibly grieving. The expectations of others complicate something that is already hard.

The main thing about grief is that it is never over. You don’t wake up some day and feel fine. If you loved someone that much, do you want to reach a point where they no longer matter? Most people will say, no. They are afraid of forgetting about the person, of not feeling anything for them.

Losing someone you love will change you forever.

There is the initial overwhelm of grief. Most people understand that, although many think you should be over it quickly. There will be moments when you almost feel normal again and are able to laugh, but they do not last long. Then there is the feeling of disloyalty at feeling happy when someone you love so much has gone.

You are not being disloyal. Grief ebbs and flows like the ocean. There are times when it seems overwhelming and you just want to shut the door and keep the world out. Then there are times when you are able to perform tasks of living as you have always done. Over time, you will find that the calmer times become longer and more frequent and the overwhelming times become shorter and less frequent.

Eventually, you will reach a place where it is possible to move on in life. The pain will still be there, but you will have learned to cope with it, to swim.

Do not expect to reach that place shortly after the funeral. There will be many birthdays, Christmases, anniversaries of their death and other important dates before you will be able to reach the point where you feel able to move forward in your life.

The most important thing you can do as you grieve is to be kind to yourself. Allow yourself the time to feel those emotions. Give yourself permission to have bad days and permission to have good days. Find someone who is willing to listen to you when you need to talk. If you can’t find anyone to listen, or feel overwhelmed, counselling can help.

I counsel many people who have been bereaved. I am passionate about helping people to understand they are normal. About allowing people the opportunity to be heard without judgement. About helping people find the way forward.

I am available for consultations in my rooms and over skype. If you need help call 0409396608 today or email nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au to arrange an appointment.

I grew up in a house with two autistic parents and three autistic siblings. Logical was a constant companion alongside abuse and the frightening uncertainty of a father who at any moment could explode with me as the target. So I grew up with some very traumatic memories and a great sense of being honest – how I interpreted the logical behaviour of my family. Then I lived in the Netherlands for 8 years. I thought I was honest and direct! You haven’t seen direct until you encounter Dutch culture!

In my life and my work, I find the honest, direct approach refreshing. I prefer there to be no ambiguity. No fear of being honest about feelings. Of course, I temper that with consideration for the person I am talking to so will be careful with my language and be respectful of the person I am talking to. Just because someone is doing something different to me does not mean they are wrong. This means we should all be able to speak openly without fear of the other person taking offence, as long as we are respectful. Shaming is not acceptable in my world. So many people I see have had a long history of being shamed. That is something I seek to heal people from. To see they are good, despite their supposed failings. To see that making a mistake is not a sky falling on head occasion. That mistakes happen and there is no shame in admitting them and moving on. That a well adjusted person will appreciate you admitting your mistake and not hold it against you.

Two recent incidents reminded me of this.

The first was about a woman who asked her neighbour to turn her music down. The music was particularly loud and the woman had at first tried to put music on to drown the other music out. She respected her neighbour and did not want to ask her to turn her music down. But the neighbour responded by turning her music up full blast. The upset woman fled the house, asking her neighbour if she could turn the music down as she left. The neighbour was fine about it and promised to have her music down in future. But something happened over the next few days and she found the neighbour pretending to be on the phone when she saw her out walking. Later she overheard her neighbour talking to someone in her backyard misrepresenting what had happened. She was confused and approached the neighbour. The neighbour accused her of being aggressive when asking her to turn the music down, something witnesses denied, and that ‘she was a good neighbour’ and ‘had never had complaints before’. But the woman knew her neighbour had had complaints and the first thing her neighbour had said to her when they first met was that she was a ‘little loud’.

It was obvious this neighbour had an image of herself as a ‘good neighbour’ that was all about her needs as a person, her ego, rather than about any genuine care for other people. This woman had inadvertently wounded her neighbour by suggesting her noise was too loud. That did not fit the picture of the ‘good neighbour’. This good neighbour was happy if everyone let her do what she wanted and did not complain. For her, being asked to turn her music down was shaming. Although she paid lip service to honesty, she was unable to cope with non judgemental honesty and hit back.

Fortunately the woman was able to see her neighbour’s behaviour was about her own insecurities and was able to not become upset by it, but move on. She did seek out the neighbour to discuss with her what the neighbour perceived as aggressive. She told her neighbour she was concerned to clear the air. The neighbour has so far resisted such attempts at honest, respectful communication. Such a conversation is just too threatening to her.

So often in life, we encounter situations where we have not behaved well and are frightened to discuss the situation with the other person. For many with a history of shaming, it is just too threatening and therefore terrifying. Yet respectful discussion of these incidents results in a good resolution and a great deal of personal growth for all involved. If it is too hard for you to discuss such situations you could benefit from counselling.

The second incident was one I observed recently occurring in a queue at a coffee machine. A woman was using the machine in front of a couple who had been waiting patiently while she tried to work out how to use it. As she was using it another woman approached her and asked her how to use the machine. The woman explained it then started using it. The other woman said “I mustn’t push in, I’ll go to the back of the queue”. She stayed with the woman and when the woman was finished she moved in to get her coffee. The couple behind objected to this. They had been waiting 5 minutes and this woman had just turned up. She has even admitted she would be pushing in if she went next, but had proceeded to do so. As the couple said, if she had asked they would have said yes. Her asking would have been respectful and an acknowledgement that she was pushing in. but because she didn’t ask, she was disrespectful and the people rightly objected. It was interesting to observe. The woman knew she was doing the wrong thing, she had already admitted it. But when the couple challenged her she became defensive as though their objection was trivial. Trivialising bad behaviour is often a way people try to justify what they have done. I found it intriguing that this woman knew she was doing the wrong thing, and that she should have asked, but instead of saying “I am sorry, you go next” she turned it into a trivialising put down for the couple. The couple left with their coffees, astonished at this woman’s bizarre behaviour and the woman spent the rest of the day rankling at what she perceived as shaming.

A few words of wisdom:

If in doubt ask permission. The worst that can happen is the other person says no, which you will gracefully accept.

It is not about you.

The sky will not fall on your head or the world end if you make a mistake or do something wrong.

A humble ‘I am sorry’ goes a long way.

Getting defensive does not harm the other person as much as it harms you, particularly when you are obviously the person in the wrong.

People will think more of you for admitting your mistakes then trying to cover them up. The cover up is more likely to lead to the perception that you are untrustworthy.

If you need help, you are welcome to make an appointment to see me, either in person or by skype. I won’t judge you.

reposting a blog post by Ruth Buczynski, PhD. NICABM

As someone who’s been practicing for a while, I’ve seen our view on the treatment of trauma go through substantial development. Our research, theory and treatments have all advanced considerably in the last 40 years.

And as I reflect upon this, I’m seeing 3 waves in the evolution of our outlook.

Looking back at when I first began to practice (in the late 70’s) our understanding of trauma was really quite limited. Of course we recognized the fight / flight response ever since Hans Selye introduced the notion back in the 50’s.

But our prevailing treatment option was talk therapy.

The thinking at the time was that by getting clients to talk about their traumatic event, we could “get to the bottom of” their issues and help them heal.

We were aware of the body and knew it held some power. But few practitioners used it in treatment (except the relatively few who worked with Bioenergetics, Rolfing, Feldenkrais, Rubenfeld, and to some extent Gestalt therapy).

But we were very limited in our ability to explain how body work, or for that matter, a talking treatment, affected the brain (and we had very little evidence-based research for it either). We just didn’t have much of a roadmap to guide us where we wanted to go.

That was the first wave.

Over time, researchers and clinicians started to recognize the limits of talk therapy. We realized that talking about a traumatic event held certain risks. At times, we inadvertently re-traumatized patients, especially if interventions were introduced too soon, before the patient was ready.

We also saw the memory of trauma as more often held in the right brain, the part that doesn’t really think in words.

So we began to use interventions that weren’t as dependent upon talking, interventions like guided imagery, hypnosis, EMDR, and the various forms of tapping.

And as the science surrounding the brain’s reactions to trauma became more sophisticated, clinicians grew to understand more about what was going on.

We began to realize that not everyone who experiences a traumatic event gets PTSD. In fact, most people who experience a traumatic event don’t get PTSD.

And so researchers started to develop studies to determine who did and who didn’t get PTSD. We looked for what factors might predict greater sensitivity to trauma.

And we modified our thinking to add freeze (later known as feigned death) to the fight/flight reaction.

Just adding that piece clarified our thinking about what triggers PTSD.

It also began to expand our treatment options to include sensory motor approaches.

And we started to see how more vastly intricate and multifaceted multiple trauma was compared to single incident trauma.

But I believe a third wave of trauma research and treatment innovations has just begun to crest.

And it’s only come recently.

We continue to see advances in the field of trauma therapy that are opening up more effective methods for working with trauma patients.

Because of all the research that’s been done, we are much better able to predict who gets PTSD and who doesn’t. Not only that but we’ve got a good handle on why certain people get PTSD.

And as brain science has revealed how different areas of the brain and nervous system respond to traumatic events, we don’t think so often about whether trauma is stored in the left vs right brain.

We think in terms of three parts of the brain, the pre-frontal cortex, the limbic brain and the lower, more primitive brain. And we’re much more sophisticated in thinking about which part needs our intervention.

We understand that the lower brain can command the shutdown response, totally bypassing the prefrontal cortex, totally bypassing any sense of “choice” for the patient.

And we see more clearly the part that the vagal system plays in this shutdown response.

We understand more of the role neuroception plays in feeling safe.

Knowing how the body and brain react to trauma opens the door for the third wave.

We are now beginning to use techniques like neurofeedback (based upon but a long way from the biofeedback we used years ago,) limbic system therapy, and other brain and body-oriented approaches that include a polyvagal perspective.

These are techniques I couldn’t have dreamed of when I began clinical practice.

But these are powerful tools that can offer hope to those who have been stuck in cycles of reactivity, shame, and hopelessness.

This statement may seem simplistic, but it holds a lot of truth. When overcoming trauma, there are many pathways in the brain that are wired to respond to physical, unconscious, reminders of the traumatic event. But there are ways to rewire the brain. They involve going deep into the body and learning to read the body to detect the triggers of the traumatic memory. They involve releasing the stored memories from the body. They involve learning ways to calm down the fight/flight response the traumatic memory has triggered. In time, they involve the brain learning new pathways. This does not happen overnight, and can take months or even years.

The old fashioned belief that a traumatised person is ‘damaged’ and will never recover is very disempowering. Giving the traumatised person back their power by allowing them to make a choice and to believe he or she can make a choice is vital.

You may choose not to be governed by our traumatic past, but that will not happen overnight. With counselling, you can slowly make the changes that your brain needs to allow you to be who you choose to become.

The Blue Knot Foundation has world renowed guidelines for working with trauma and trauma recovery. I have been trained extensively in these guidelines and am well equipped to work with traumatised individuals. In addition, I have had my own recovery from a trauma history to give me an understanding of what it is like, but also of what is possible.

If you would like to work through your trauma with me, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

This quote doesn’t just apply to artists. It applies to anyone who sees the beauty in a sunset, who admires the perfection of a flower, who is captivated by the words of a poem, who delights in a beautiful piece of music. We all have the capacity to connect to art. The art that connects all of us in the endless, amazing rhythm of the universe and life. The truly great, timeless art pieces are those that tap into the collective consciousness of all people. When we respond to a piece of art, we are responding to the message of the collective consciousness.

I often use art in my therapy sessions. When asked to paint or draw something, so many people look horrified and say “I can’t paint (or draw)”, but I tell them it doesn’t matter whether they can or not. They can always use stick figures for people. The purpose of the art is to tap into the unconscious. And as a consequence of that process, there is a tapping in to the collective consciousness. What is produced is powerful and, in many cases, illuminating and even cathartic. It is the power of the unconscious mind being expressed.

I love the art that people create in my sessions. The paintings are powerful and beautiful. They express and release so much. Just painting without intention, just focusing on intuition to guide the art work, creates so much that is powerful and healing.

Art provides a different perspective. A way to view life differently. Art can release things a person didn’t realise were there. Art can heal. It doesn’t matter if no one else ever sees your art. It is beautiful.

This quote refers to the unconscious or shadow side that forms part of Jung’s theory of personality. Jung theorised that we have a persona that we show to the world. This is the way we wish to be seen by others. Most people have multiple personas. There is the friend persona, the work persona, the parent persona, the child persona, the lover persona to name a few. Our personas express the way we wish to be seen at work, with different friends, with our families and with our intimate partners. Our persona’s emphasise features we wish to have associated with us in given situations and involves accentuating the features we like best in each situation.

Jung saw the shadow side as being unconscious. It was the behaviours that did not fit our idea of how we should live in the world and be perceived by others. He theorised we have aspects of ourselves that we do not recognise and that will motivate our behaviours on occasion, without our being aware of what has triggered the behaviour.

We often see our shadow side in behaviours in other people that we do not like and criticise. Joelle worked as a school counsellor. She became angry with a parent who she felt was neglectful of her child and put him in second place ahead of her career. Her anger at the parent was out of proportion to what the parent was actually doing. Joelle’s teenage daughter came to see me. She was distressed at her mother’s neglect of her and her little brother and her preference to pursue her career instead of care for her children. This was something Joelle was unaware of, yet subconsciously she was. She was getting angry at the other parent when it was she who was the neglectful parent.

Not all shadow sides are so negative. Craig was raised in a family where he was taught never to show sadness. Sadness was seen as an extremely negative thing. So he presented a persona to the world that was happy all the time. He genuinely believed he was a happy person. He came to see me because there were occasions where he had become disproportionately sad about events and had cried uncontrollably. In this case, the sadness was repressed under a rigidly positive persona.

Sometimes, the shadow side is expressed in uncharacteristic behaviour. Other times it is expressed in pain in the body. I see many clients who have stored their repressed behaviours in their bodies.

Other people find their shadow side appears in their dreams. This can be disturbing, particularly if the repressed behaviour is one that the individual believes is wrong.

One thing I teach clients is to become aware of the feelings underlying behaviour so that, instead of acting blindly and instinctively, they can act with full awareness and control of their feelings. As a result of this learning, clients can learn to accept their shadow side.