1 Your life is yours alone to live. No one else can live it and no one else totally understands what you are experiencing. They may have some understanding but never total.
2. You are not designed to live your life alone.
3. Loving others means you will encounter loss and grief in your lifetime.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
In your life you will experience grief. No one else will totally understand what you are experiencing, although some may make an effort to listen to you.
Others will tell you they “know exactly what you are feeling” (which they don’t).
Others will expect you to “be over it already”.
You may feel pressured by past experiences of grief to be over it. Maybe you have even told others the same thing. Now you are on the receiving end and learning fast the reality of grief.
THE REALITY OF GRIEF IS OFTEN PRETTY AWFUL
Experiencing grief brings with it many paradoxes. One is that you need the support of others, but you don’t want to mix with others.
The thought of having to explain yourself to others is overwhelming.
The thought of others not listening to you or trying to shut down your grief is daunting.
Add to that the fact that it is exhausting having to interact with others while dealing with such a difficult time.
BEING ALONE
You are very likely to want to be alone.
Being alone is okay. We all need alone time to reset and recharge. Alone time allows you to process things you are feeling. It allows you to be able to cope with the demands of interacting with other people.
There is alone time and there is social time. There is the support of others and there is time to process alone.
In the early days of your grief you may well want to be alone. That is okay. There are a number of overwhelming emotions to deal with. You need time to reflect. You also need time to grieve. To honour the emotions.
ANOTHER PARADOX.
Alone time is important.
But too much alone time is harmful.
Initially you may want to be alone, or you may want to be surrounded by people.
Sooner of later you will find yourself preferring alone time.
People will tell you that you shouldn’t be alone and will put pressure on you to go out more.
Only you can know what is right for you.
It is okay to go out and enjoy yourself without your loved one. It is also okay to stay at home and continue to process their loss.
My general rule of thumb is to make a decision to go out occasionally but also to make a decision to allow yourself to stay home occasionally as well.
IT IS ALWAYS HELPFUL TO HAVE SUPPORT WHEN YOU ARE GRIEVING
Having someone to bounce ideas off, to help you on those days when you can’t get it together, to give you hugs when you need them, to allow you to cry when you want to, is really helpful when you are grieving.
If you feel you are not grieving “properly” then it is helpful to seek a grief trained counsellor. I see a lot of people who make the appointment to see me because they believe they are not grieving properly. In most cases, they are grieving in a completely healthy way.
If you are concerned it is helpful to seek counselling.
If you feel you don’t have support and you really need it, it is helpful to seek counselling.
If you see me I can help you explore what is right for you and to feel more secure about what feels right for you at this stage in your life.
HOW TO CONTACT ME FOR HELP
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz