Recovery – Page 4

An exercise to explore grief

If you are grieving, you know that there is no magic bullet to make you feel better. You want the world to stop but sadly it doesn’t. Sooner or later you have to get out there in the world and live, even when you just want to sit in your grief and never emerge.

In this blackness of grief it can seem unbelievable that you may one day experience happiness, even joy. Every aspect of your life is impacted by the overwhelming nature of grief and life seems to be muted, shrouded in darkness.

REMAIN CONNECTED IN SOME WAY TO LIFE

The one thing you need to do is to not lock yourself away from the world forever. Yes, you may have days where you just want to be alone with your grief, but don’t make it every day. Hard as it may seem, you are not alone and there are other people out there who are grieving too and can maybe offer understanding.

Never forget that we all suffer loss. Sometimes it is the loss of a loved one, other times it is a relationship, job, house, country, possession, body part and so on. It may seem you are the only one, but there will be others out there too.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO GRIEVE

Your grief is real and you have every right to grieve. Grief is a natural process that people have been experiencing as long as there have been people in this world.

I was reading a book by Donald Altman, a psychotherapist and expert in mindfulness. In this book he spoke about the way grief changes us. He describes grief as being a growth experience that opens new ways for us to understand grief.

AN EXERCISE TO TRY

He suggested a reflection exercise as a way to work with your grief.

This involves contemplating some questions. This can be on a daily basis or every other day, whenever you feel works for you.

To do this exercise you need to find somewhere peaceful and comforting. Somewhere you won’t be disturbed.

Decide how long you will spend on the exercise. That may be 15 minutes, 20 minutes, half an hour or longer.

As you sit in this place set the intention to be:

 compassionate to yourself,

 open to what may come and

 curious about what you may discover.

This exercise may give you insights or it may just open the way for you to start healing and learning to live with your loss.

As you contemplate the questions, consciously breathe in peace and compassion for yourself.

Read each question and contemplate it before moving on to the next question. You may find you are only able to contemplate 1 or 2 questions each practice. That is fine. Work through them, repeat them, do whatever you need to as you seek answers.

Below are the questions:

• How is my grief like a love letter for my beloved?

• What is my “love letter” saying to my beloved?

• How has grief changed me?

• How can my grief serve to enrich my appreciation for the precious, impermanent things of life?

• What does this grief teach me about loving myself?

• How does grief make my heart more tender and open to all others who have also lost someone?

To finish off these questions remember you need to embrace life. Grief also reminds you what it means to love. When you love, then you live fully.

DO YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO WILL LISTEN?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief journey, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Grief is a love letter to those who have died

Radical thought isn’t it?

In my years of witnessing the grief of others. Of walking alongside those who have lost someone they deeply love. Of helping people find a way to keep living. In all those years I have found the same thoughts expressed.

The deep love for the one who has passed. And the continuing love with which their passing is honoured and held close, even years after they have gone.

This really is a beautiful expression of love. A continuing expression of love for the one you love.

It is beautiful and dignified to grieve the one you loved.

Even when your eyes are red with tears and your nose runs from all the crying. Your love for the person you have lost is so deep.

It is okay for your heart to hurt with the pain of their physical absence from your life.

It is written that the healing power of grief is found in the realisation that every moment is precious.

Grief teaches you to feel gratitude for what you had, especially now it is gone.

Grief demonstrates the beauty of life, realised when the life of the one you loved has been extinguished.

Yes, that realisation hurts so much. It is a realisation you never want to make, but here you are having to make it.

Gratitude for what you had is not what you want. You want gratitude for what you have. But can you ever fully appreciate what you have until you no longer have it?

Through all the disorientation, devastation and despair of grief there will be an ever after. There will be a life after the one you love is gone. You may not want it, but it will happen.

You might need help to get there, but you will.

If you would like my help finding the love letter, the beauty of life and gratitude for life in the one you loved, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Grief. Your Life’s Journey

One thing that strikes me about grief is that our society has taken grief away from being a normal part of life and turned into something pathological.

But grief is a natural, normal process. It is not something we avoid, run from or race to get over.

The reality is your life is changed by loss. That is unavoidable.

I HAVE EXPERIENCED GRIEF AND ITS AFTERMATH

I write as one who has experienced multiple losses in my life and has grieved. I have experienced the way this world tries to turn a natural process into something wrong. I have experienced being told what is normal to experience after a loss. I have been helped by healthy people who helped me understand that I wasn’t mad, but perfectly normal.

I know what it is to cry at times when it is not socially acceptable, when other people feel uncomfortable.

I know what it is to find myself totally unable to manage simple tasks and to just want to crawl into bed, close the door and tell the world to go away.

I know what it is to lose my sense of self, to feel life is out of control, to feel inexplicably depressed, to question the very meaning of life, to wonder who I am now because I just can’t work it out.

I know what it is to want to tell this person about something that just happened and then remember that I can’t because they are no longer alive.

I know what it is like to have my experience ignored by others, to be told by people when I summon the courage to tell them I miss the dead person (who died only a month ago) that I need to see someone because that is not normal.

I know what it is like to grieve for a person that no one around me knew so no one else can understand who the person I have lost was.

I know what it is like to never hear the person I loved mentioned by anyone, even people who knew them, as though they never existed.

I get it, but that is my journey, and I am talking about yours.

THERE IS NO SOLUTION TO GRIEF

I hate that many people, including some mental health practitioners will tell you that you need to “move on”. That you need to “buck up”. That they have the solution.

I do know you need to be seen, that your grief needs to be acknowledged. That you need support and empathy.

I know that you need to learn how to carry this burden and that you can develop the mental and emotional muscles to carry it for the rest of your life.

DEATH HURTS

Death out of order is devastating.

Death is life altering.

When you know someone is dying it is not the same as when they actually die. But the pain of knowing it is coming is a completely different experience.

Death changes everything.

Your life and trajectory, the future you anticipated evaporates.

Your world disintegrates and you are left with a crumbled mess that doesn’t make sense.

UNHELPFUL RESPONSES HAPPEN

People will offer all manner of platitudes and shut downs.

Others will tell you the story of their grief, not realising they have taken away the thing that is most important for you now, your current reality. And that reality is important. People will often share their grief story because they want to connect and let you know they get it. Sadly it often becomes a competition to learn whose grief was worse.

Of course others have been bereaved and experienced grief. But their grief is not yours. The circumstances, the relationships, the personalities are different. It is better for others to acknowledge they have experienced grief and leave it at that.

Of course at some time you may want to know how they handled something, or coped with another issue. It is okay then for them to answer that question.

EVENTUALLY YOU MAY WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE GRIEF OF OTHERS

At another time you may want to join a group of people who share their grief stories. It can feel less lonely. It can help to feel like your experience is more usual and you are not mad. But this is something to do when you are ready, not to be forced on you when you are first grieving.

GRIEF IS A LIFE EXPERIENCE THAT CHANGES YOU

It is most important to remember grief is not a problem to be solved or fixed. It is not an illness. It is a life experience.

Here is a fact. All life experiences change you.

GOOD AND BAD PAIN

Sometimes people feel pain and will describe it as “good” pain. It is worth remembering that. Not all pain is awful, although some certainly is.

As a society we are taught that pain is bad. Because grief hurts, we believe it is bad. So there is a belief, held by some in the mental health field as well, that grief is something you get over as soon as possible. That there is something wrong and not normal about grief and it needs to be healed.

AT THE “END” OF GRIEF THERE IS A NEW YOU

Grief is normal. We love and we grieve when what we love is gone.

You integrate loss into a life that has become a walk each day next to and with your loss. So the old you ceases to exist. Don’t forget to grieve that too.

Grief is life altering. Grief throws your reality into chaos.

DODGING THE MESSAGES UNTIL THE NEW YOU SURVIVES

You will be bombarded with messages. Some helpful and loving. Others unhelpful and unaffirming. You will feel embarrassed at not coping in public. You will find it hard to function. You will have good moments and bad moments.

In the end you will survive. You will be a new you. You will always carry that grief. But you will survive.

DO YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR JOURNEY?

If on that journey you need to talk to someone who will not shut you down, or tell you that you are defective, I am available.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

I am available for face to face sessions on the Sunshine Coast, Queensland or via zoom.

There is no such thing as “stages” of grief

In the 1970s the work of Elisabeth Kubler Ross became very popular in bereavement circles. Her initial book was the result of research into the way people managed psychologically with their own death.

In the book Elisabeth described stages people went through. Here is where semantics became a problem. Stages tend to be perceived as something sequential that has to be worked through from 1 to 2 to 3 and so on. But Elisabeth never intended this to be a rigid progression of experiences. She observed that people would move backwards and forwards through these experiences.

It didn’t take long for her work to be adapted to not just the dying but those who were grieving the loss of a loved one. The research had never looked at the experiences of the loved ones of those who were dying, just those who were dying. So there were problems with applying this model to the grieving.

OUR PERCEPTION OF GRIEF HAS BEEN INFLUENCED BY A BOOK ON THE EXPERIENCE OF DYING

But the idea of stages and the need to process death has become pervasive and generally people consider this is what they have to do and become distressed if they feel they are not moving through these stages properly. Some less well educated practitioners in the medical and mental health fields can also fall for this perception and label people who come to see them as being defective because they aren’t moving through these stages properly.

I have lost count of the number of people referred to me because a medical or mental health practitioner has considered they are not progressing properly through their extremely recent grief. A lot of people are sent to me less than a month after the loss! I would not expect anyone that early after the grief event to be making any arbitrary “progress”.

SOME INFORMATION ON GRIEF

Lets have a discussion about grief. Maybe I can help you dispel some of the myths about grief.

SOME DEFINITIONS OF GRIEF:

• Deep or violent sorrow or keen regret

• Emotional suffering that is experienced after a loss. Hard to be put into words although there is a strong need to put it into words so that it can be expressed and shared.

• The personal experience of a loss

• Mourning is a process that occurs after and as a result of a loss

• Mourning is an expression of grief

• Mourning is psychologically referred to as mental and emotional “work” that occurs after the loss of a significant person through death. Or any loss actually.

• Automatic reaction to the loss of someone or something to which you are attached.

SOME FEELINGS YOU MAY EXPERIENCE IN GRIEF:

• Shock

• Emotional release

• Sadness

• Depression

• Isolation

• Anger

• Hostility

• Idealisation

• Confusion

• Guilt

• Relief

• Gradual letting go of what you have lost

• Gradual return to what you consider a more “normal” life

• Be able to acknowledge reality

• Establish a new way of living

• Your own unique way of grieving

• And many more

THEORIES ABOUND AROUND GRIEF

There are a lot of theories about this normal process and they have influenced how mental health workers approach grief. These are summarised into four different theoretical areas:

Emotional sickness to be avoided (!!!!)
Psychological reality to face and accept
Process of psychological growth and transition to a better life
Set of developmental tasks to be fulfilled.

EMOTIONAL SICKNESS!!!

The first theory that influences how members of society perceive death, and also how many mental health practitioners perceive death, is so wrong. Death is a normal part of life and it is normal to be sad, disoriented and preoccupied by your reaction to death or the loss of anything important in your life.

Reality to face and accept (mmm)The second theory is okay. Yes, losing someone or something we love and have a deep attachment to is devastating and does need to be processed in order to move on. So the reality of what has happened does need to be accepted eventually and we do need to face this reality. Although our brains usually protect us from full on facing the reality by offering up distractions so we don’t overload our brains.

PSYCHOLOGICAL GROWTH AND TRANSITION TO A BETTER LIFE (??)

The third theory is better. We do grow psychologically as a result of processing grief. I am not sure that it is fair to say you transition to a better life. Can life without your loved one actually be better? Maybe you just transition to a life without them that can be fulfilling and meaningful.

TASKS, TASKS, TASKS

The fourth theory is very task oriented. That puts a lot of pressure on people to feel they have a checklist of tasks to complete in order to grieve “successfully”.

SO YOU HAVE COME TO SEE ME ABOUT YOUR GRIEF

Another way of approaching grief is to consider that a mental health practitioner use theories, skills and their own intuition to help the grieving person learn to live their entire life effectively.

A HELPFUL WAY TO PERCEIVE YOUR GRIEF

Most people find it helpful to perceive their grief as a time to:

Accept the reality of what they have lost
Work through the pain of their grief
Adjust to an environment without the person or object they have lost
Develop a new way of being that allows them to be with the pain of their loss but also be able to continue living. This often involves finding a new meaning in their life

CLEAR AS MUD?

Sometimes you do need to talk. After all, I earlier mentioned that one definition of grief is that it is something that needs to be expressed and shared.

Maybe you can find that space to do that.

Often it is difficult. It is hard to discuss your grief with people who also loved this person. That can make it hard for you to say what you need to say.

Sometimes well meaning friends will say what they think are helpful things to say:

• It’s all for the best

• You should be over it by now

• Your loved on wouldn’t want to see you this way

• You must be strong for your children, your mother, your father etc.

• Best not to talk about it, just get over it and move on with life.

• The sooner you forget the better

• And so on.

DO YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE?

So you may find you need to talk to someone who will listen and let you express what you need to. Someone who will tell you that you are not going mad. Someone who will tell you that you aren’t getting over things too slowly. Someone who will know how to help you if you do find yourself stuck.

On those occasions you need to see a grief trained practitioner.

I CAN HELP

I am trained in working with grief. if you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How can I manage grief and Christmas, especially a family Christmas?

Since the COVID pandemic began, many people have experienced Christmases that have been dramatically different to previous years. With lockdowns many people could not travel to see family. During that time also people died. Funerals were delayed until relatives could attend. People didn’t get to say goodbye. Families didn’t get together so the death of the family member was not able to be grieved fully.

Now restrictions are lifted. People can travel to see each other.

With family get togethers at Christmas resuming for many, there is a chance of a resurgence of old tensions. There is also adjusting to the different family makeup with the loss of those who have died.

WHAT WILL CHRISTMAS LOOK LIKE FOR YOU THIS YEAR?

There is such societal pressure for Christmas to be magical. The shows on television, the ads, the social media posts of perfect Christmases. All these things influence your belief around Christmas needing to be perfect.

So we arrive at this perfect Christmas Day stressed and most likely yelling at each other. So now we are stressed and upset.

Now add Grief to that mix!

When you are struggling with grief and the absence of people who once were part of your life it seems that everyone else is having a better Christmas than you. And there is that feeling that you should be doing that too.

It seems everyone wants to present to the world their perfect Christmas. But not that many people experience that perfection at Christmas. After all, who wants reality at Christmas? We are all programmed for perfection and who wants to admit they don’t have it.

The more people you add to the Christmas mix, you greater the chance your Christmas will not be perfect. It is wise to remember that.

HOW JANIE* HANDLED CHRISTMAS

Janie’s Father died just after Christmas 30 years ago. She remembers sitting with him on Christmas Day and him wishing her Merry Christmas. It was the last time he spoke to Janie before he died.

The next Christmas, Janie said Merry Christmas to her father and set an empty place at the table for him. She has done that every year since then.

ROBERT* AND HIS CHILDREN HAD A DIFFERENT APPROACH

Robert and his children tried to avoid Christmas after his wife Sally died. The first year they went away for Christmas. They tried to avoid it completely and all the family get togethers.

The next Christmas they put up a new tree with generic decorations as you would see in any business at Christmas. They couldn’t face the special memories of their own tree and decorations. On Christmas day they went to the cemetery instead of getting together with family.

The third Christmas they put up their old tree with all its special memories and set a place at the table for their mother. They decided they needed to remember that life goes on even when the person you love so much is gone. They invited their family to come to them and found it healing to be with people who knew and loved Sally too.

HOW WILL YOU HANDLE CHRISTMAS?

You most likely will not feel like this, but you need to be proactive in your approach to being with others for Christmas.

One suggestion is to let people know what you want from them. They will most likely be worried about whether to mention your loved one, or whether they are a taboo subject. There is no hard and fast rule on this one and most people know that. Let them know how you want them to be. That way you can all experience less stress around what to say.

Let people know if you want to be left alone, or if you want someone to have coffee and a chat with. Let them know if you want the occasional contact to check in on you. Let them know if you appreciate gifts of food or flowers. If you want these things and no contact then let them know you would prefer them to leave it at the front door.

Don’t forget to acknowledge the help people give. You may feel frozen and unable to see anything positive, but you can be aware of the benefits of the care other people demonstrate for you. Thanking them not only lets them know they are doing something that you find helpful, but it is also beneficial for you to express the positive things that happen for you. This helps you engage with life. Something you may not want to do, but need to do.

CARING FOR CHILDREN

When a loved one dies it is tempting to shut everything down. But if there are children involved you need to have greater consideration. Children need to know life does go on. It might not feel it now, but it will go on. They may also want the stability of routine in their lives.

Christmas is one of the routines they may be relying on for stability.

HOW DO YOU RECONCILE YOUR NEED TO GRIEVE WITH THE NEEDS OF CHILDREN?

It is important to acknowledge your loved one and to include memories of them in the day.

You may decide not to make as big a fuss over the day as other years.

Ultimately you may decide to do at Christmas what makes the children happy.

WAYS TO REMEMBER YOUR LOVED ONE AT CHRISTMAS

Many people set a place at their table for their loved one.

Another idea is for everyone to write down their memories of your loved one and put them in a box under the Christmas tree. This can be unwrapped and the memories read out. Sharing stories together is very unifying and a wonderful way to remember someone, and learn more about them. It also makes it acceptable to include them in Christmas.

Maybe you may like to watch their favourite Christmas movie, or listen to their favourite Christmas song.

Or you may like to add an item to the menu that they particularly loved eating. Then you can eat it as a remembrance of them.

HOW TO MANAGE WITH EXTENDED FAMILY THERE

It is hard facing Christmas without your loved one. It is hard when you have a family get together and you have to negotiate all the festivities while grieving. You always need to consider the needs of children in this mix and that is hard too.

If you do have a family Christmas, let family members know what you expect from them. Don’t forget, they may be grieving too.

It is important to remember that Christmas is never perfect, just as life is never perfect. Have the best day you can and accept the imperfections. Remember it is okay to be sad and even cry. Remember that you grieve because you loved and grief is an expression of love.

TO SUMMARISE

When you are grieving, Christmas is likely to be a time tinged with sadness.

You may like to set an empty place for your loved one. You may decide to not make as big a fuss as other years.

It may take you a few years to feel up to having a big family Christmas again.

Start new rituals that will help you commemorate your loved one. They may be temporary or become an established part of Christmas.

Do find ways to connect to family and friends as well as the wider community. You may for a while seek out support groups of others who are grieving. Healing needs the support and involvement of community as well as individual reflection. Often you will find healing in the support of other community members including your family.

SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP IF YOU NEED IT

If you need extra help, you may consider seeking the support of a grief counsellor.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

NOTE

*please note that whenever I mention someone in my blogs I never use real names and change the circumstances to de-identify the person who has generously given permission for me to use their story in my blog.

The many faces of grief

Everyone has a picture in their minds about what grief looks like.

What is your picture?

Here are some comments I have heard over the years:

It is so difficult to sleep, I usually toss and turn until 2-3am.

I sleep so deeply and struggle to get up before 10am.

I had a drive to write special cards for all my friends and family. I didn’t want to do it at home, so I went to the beach and sat in the sun while I made the cards.

I felt so restless and couldn’t sleep. So I spent the night out in the shed chopping up old pallets to reuse the wood.

I just wanted to escape so I went out in my boat.

I can’t seem to stop getting angry with people. Anything makes me angry. People are avoiding me because of it.

I so wanted to talk to my sister. So I wrote a message to her and put it inside a balloon and let it loose. I just watched it floating higher and higher and imagined my sister was reaching out to grab it.

I went to bed, pulled the covers up over my head and didn’t come out.

I haven’t been able to leave the house for weeks. Everything is so overwhelming and scary.

I cleaned the house thoroughly. No room escaped. I even moved the furniture and cleaned behind it. I removed individual books from the book shelves and dusted them thoroughly. Nothing was left untouched. As I cleaned I cried and cried. Eventually my tears ran out and the house was spotless.

I just couldn’t bring myself to get in the shower so I didn’t shower for days.

I couldn’t stand being at home with my thoughts so I went back to work.

As the day drew to a close, I walked to the swings in my local park and sat for hours just swinging.

I went to the gym, all day, every day. I worked and worked to get out the pain. And I jogged there and back home, on the odd occasion I actually went home.

I put on a façade of “everything’s alright” when I was out and with other people. But once I got home I just cried and cried.

I avoided seeing people. I was so embarrassed by the way the tears would just come. We are supposed to be tough. Plus I hated seeing the compassion in other people’s eyes.

I went and talked to my son’s friends. We even shared a joint together. It felt so good to connect with them. It felt like he was there too.

I would drop the children at school and come back home. I couldn’t bring myself to go into the house where she wasn’t so I sat outside in the car willing myself to go inside and crying.

I was given her chair and I used to sit in it and imagine I was sitting on her lap being cuddled.

I see him everywhere and my spirits soar, then I get closer and realise it isn’t him. It is devastating.

I can’t bring myself to drive past the place where he died. I know I have to some day, but for now I just can’t do it.

I planted her favourite rose in the garden. It is flowering now and I sit and watch them and go outside and smell them. When I do that I feel she is here with me.

I still can’t believe he is gone. I wake up and turn to him to say good morning. Then I remember.

I just want to talk to her. We spoke every day. This silence is so hard. I used to tell her everything. Now who do I tell things to?

To finish up, here is a lovely quote I found online:

“Small things can trigger a fresh wave of grief … a smell, a look or perhaps a song … within seconds you are flung into a time machine and are transported back to the ‘moment’ when time stood still, and the world had crashed at your feet.” Zoe Clark-Coates from sayinggoodbye.org

NEED HELP?

Grief is never easy and sometimes you need someone to talk to. If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How Grief Helps With Your Loss

Did you know that you have a wonderful, highly effective tool to help you when you lose someone you deeply love?

Inbuilt.

Always available.

Requires careful handling and to be able to do its thing.

What is it?

It is Grief.

Grief is a tool that allows you to change your identity in light of your loss.

It is also a tool that allows you to get to know yourself, the Who Am I self, better. Because losing someone will change who you are and you need to know who you are in order to live.

HOW DOES THIS WORK?

Loss of someone you deeply love is disorienting, devastating, painful, confusing, life upending and self concept destroying.

How do you recover from that?

You do that through grief.

Yes, grief is distressing.

But it also motivates you to work to live. To learn how to live with the reality of the loss of the person you loved so much.

A NOTE OF CAUTION

To live after someone you love dies does not involve ending the relationship with the person.

You will most likely continue to relate to that person.

• You will remember them,

• You may allow yourself to be influenced by their interests, values and the way they loved to live their life,

• You may find your own way of being, recognising the benefits that person brought to your life.

Of course, they are no longer there so you will not be able to go places with them, or do the things together you used to do.

But you can remember the things you did together and the places you went. And you can learn new ways of being.

HOW DOES GRIEF HELP?

The pain of grief, the emotions you feel, help you to understand the things about your relationship with that person that mattered.

It helps you to understand what was important about that person.

Loss takes away your sense of who you are, because who you are was related to the person who is no longer with you.

Grief allows you to explore who you are now. It allows you to consider the things that matter to you including your values, life plans and way of living.

Grief allows you to restructure your life so that you can continue living.

NOTE: GRIEF IS NOT EASY

The pain of losing someone you love will always be hard and hurt.

Grief is not easy. But then change never is.

Learning to live without the person you love is change.

Living is something you are going to continue to do.

Learning how to do that is Grief’s gift to allow you to explore how to live.

GRIEF IS A JOURNEY BEST WALKED WITH OTHERS

Remember this journey is not one you will do on your own.

You may have family and friends who will support you.

You may also wish to get more specialised help from a Grief Counsellor.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How to experience sorrow alongside happiness in grief

Do you feel guilty because you are not thinking of your loved one enough?

Do you worry that you mustn’t have loved them enough because there are moments when you don’t think of them and actually feel momentarily happy?

Do you think you should have done more to keep them alive?

MY QUESTIONS TO YOU

If you think it is ridiculous to feel that way that is fantastic.

But if you find yourself feeling that way I acknowledge how hard that is.

And I am asking you some questions.

I am not asking as throw away lines to suggest you should have a different belief. I am asking them because I am genuinely curious to know your thoughts.

Is it okay to never be happy again?

Is it okay to only ever think of your loved one?

Is it okay to live while they have died?

SO MANY PEOPLE FEEL THIS WAY

It is not uncommon to feel this way when your loved one dies.

It feels profane to be enjoying life when someone you loved so much is not able to be alive at all.

At first, your thoughts may frequently turn to the pain of your loved one’s absence in your life.

Any thoughts of happiness are unlikely to invade that pain. But what if they do?

Are you okay laughing at something you probably laughed at before your loved one died? Something you may have laughed at together?

IS PAIN AND HAPPINESS AT THE SAME TIME POSSIBLE?

Can you feel the pain at the same time as you feel happiness?

Researchers have found that people can and do find a way to feel happy again. That they can actually think about other things and just think of their loved one occasionally. That they can be okay living.

But researchers have also found that the happiness exists alongside the sorrow of the person’s loss. The bitter sweet and sometimes downright devastating feelings can exist alongside happiness and joy.

ARE YOU SICK OF BEING SAD AND CRYING?

Many people come to see me because they are sick of feeling sad and crying. They loved their loved one and still miss them terribly, even years later. But they are just sick of the darkness of their grief and they long for the sun.

Maybe you feel that way too?

Maybe you just want to be happy again.

REALITY

I will tell you what I tell others. Yes, it is possible to be happy again and yes you will not always cry this much. But you will always feel sad over the loss of your loved one and you will still cry on occasion.

Sorrow will always be with you. Sorrow at the absence of someone you loved so much from your life. Sorrow at the future they (and you) lost. Sorrow at all the things you will experience without them. Sorrow at the things you planned to do together that you will never do again. Sorrow at the people you no longer have contact with because your loved one was the link to them. Sorrow at so many losses associated with your loved one’s absence.

THE PAIN WILL NEVER COMPLETELY HEAL

Yes, the pain will abate over time, but it will never completely go. It is like that limp you have from a broken ankle that never completely healed. There will always be that reminder of what you had and lost.

And if you loved that person so much, do you really want the pain to completely go away? Do you really want to forget them?

IS LIFE WITH THAT PAIN POSSIBLE?

Can you live if the pain is always there?

People tell me they can live with that pain.

It is not pleasant, but they have found ways to feel it in a safer way.

They have learned to feel the bitter sweet memories of their loved one. And they have learned that sometimes it is okay to be sad, or cry.

They have also learned that it is possible to carry the pain while living and being happy.

Knowing they can do that has actually helped. It has helped to find a way to commemorate their loved one, but still live.

THE EXPANDING OF LIFE INTO A DEEPER RICHNESS

They have found that life has greater depth now. That life is richer and fuller for the added dimension of sorrow that, rather than make everything sad and depressing, actually enhances the happy moments, makes them more special and have deeper meaning. That they take the happy moments more attentively and with more gratitude because they have suffered the pain of loss and appreciate the happy moments that come.

But all this takes time, and determination.

CAN I HELP YOU?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Positive Changes after Bereavement: Is that actually possible?

In my last blog on Grief, I talked about how you can grow from grief. It sounds bizarre to suggest that something so horrible can lead to positive growth, but it can.

It is important to note that not everyone who grieves will experience positive growth. But a lot of people do.

POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH

You may have heard the term “post traumatic growth”.

This term has been gaining popularity amongst workers in the trauma field. It is the idea that trauma is not always negative. It can also have a positive aspect where the person grows in a positive direction as they recover from their trauma.

BUT THIS IS TRAUMA I AM TALKING ABOUT, NOT GRIEF.

Grief is a traumatic experience and it is included in discussions about post traumatic growth.

Trauma is a highly stressful event that often results in a negative response. Researchers have found that your brain manages the stress in the same way that positive changes can be made in the brain.

What this means is that it is possible after a highly distressing traumatic event to have negative and positive growth.

It is well known that crises in life lead to distressing emotions and it is not unusual for you as you experience these emotions to feel anxious and frightened. You may also feel sad and depressed. These feelings can continue for a long time.

Grief is one of these life crises and it is well known that sadness, a deep longing (otherwise known as yearning) for the person and wishing the person was still alive are common. Feelings of guilt, anger and irritability are also commonly observed in people who are grieving and you may be experiencing these feelings too.

These same experiences are also common in people who have suffered other traumas.

HOW CAN I GROW WHEN I AM SO DEVASTATED?

There is a widespread that trauma always results in negative consequences to the traumatised person. But research has also shown that growth also occurs. In short, that distress you feel can coexist with growth.

Many people feel they go backwards when they suffer grief and for a time that is probably true. But post traumatic growth is not just a return to the way you were, it is actually an improvement that in some people is very obvious.

IS POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH THE SAME A RESILIENCE?

Before I answer that question it is important to acknowledge that grief is not just an intellectual pursuit. Many people try to intellectualise it and fail. Grief is also experiential. You need to allow yourself to experience it in order to process it.

Resilience and Post Traumatic Growth, along with hardiness, optimism and a sense of coherence are personal characteristics that provide the ability of the individual to manage difficulties effectively.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back and continue with life after a difficult event.

Hardiness is an ability to commit to things, control self and face challenges that occur in life. Characteristics of hardiness are considered to be curiosity, being proactive, having a strong belief in your personal effectiveness and being willing to face challenges positively.

Optimism is where you consider positive outcomes will occur … eventually.

A Sense of Coherence is where you have the ability to understand events, can cope with them and even find meaning in them.

Post Traumatic Growth refers to the ability to change and not be damaged by life’s stressful events. This is where you are able to transform your life.

WHAT GRIEF TRAUMA DOES TO YOU

Grief trauma causes you to be somebody else. After a traumatic event it is not possible to go back to being the you that you were before.

It causes you to rethink all that you have previously believed about the reliability and fairness of your world.

You may find the people you thought would stand by you melt away and the ones who support you were people on the periphery of your friend circle. So many people report family rifts opening up and long term friendships ending.

All these changes in the people around you add to the sense of the world you knew ceasing to exist.

You are likely to experience a loss of trust in the certainty and positivity of life.

HOW DO I GROW FROM THAT?

When you suffer such a traumatic event it will always be remembered as traumatic. How can it be okay that this person you loved so much has died?

What researchers have found happens is that, without making a decision to, you will over time make meaning out of this traumatic event.

HOW DOES POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH WORK?

There is within everyone a drive to survive. That drive is now known to continue to operate in the brain even when there is a trauma being experienced. In other words, your desire to survive is existing in your brain alongside your distress as this traumatic event.

This is how it is possible to derive meaning from the event, even when it is so distressing.

As your brain works to survive this distress, your brain is also finding new understandings of the world. It is coming to terms with the uncertainty and unfairness of the world and the changes in support networks that may have occurred.

What this means is that you grow in the aftermath of grief because of your brain seeking to comprehend the new reality of your life with the loss of the person you love, the loss of trust in the world and the loss of some support networks.

WHAT DOES POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH LOOK LIKE?

People who report experiencing this growth report they:

• Feel an increased appreciation of life in general

• Develop more meaningful interpersonal relationships

• Possess an increased sense of personal strength

• Experience changed priorities, and

• Have a richer existential and spiritual life

WHAT SUPPORT CAN I OFFER YOU TO FACILITATE YOUR POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH?

Research has shown that post traumatic growth can be aided by the presence of supportive others to listen, assist you to craft narratives about what has happened and help you explore different perspectives. I will not tell you that in your initial sessions. It is just a process I understand you may undertake at some time.

At first you are likely to be feeling very emotional. You may spend more time crying than talking. That is totally normal and my counselling sessions are safe places for you to cry and express your emotions.

There will come a time when you will be ready to talk about other things some of the time.

REBUILDING YOUR WORLD

Because grief shatters your world you have to rebuild it. Part of this process is examining what the world means to you now. This is an existential experience and you need a counsellor who is comfortable with existential processes. As an existential therapist I am very comfortable with those at times difficult explorations. I can hold that space for you as you explore beliefs and concepts that may seem strange and even scary.

You may experience spiritual challenges and you need someone comfortable with those discussions. This is something I am very experienced in.

TELLING YOUR STORY

It is also important you are able to tell your story and be heard. Society often imposes limits on what the bereaved person is able to share. Many people feel constrained to share their feelings and are afraid to cry in public.

Being heard involves being allowed to talk without the other person telling you their story, or trying to solve your problem, or trying to offer platitudes such as “they are in a better place”, “its all for the best” and so on.

I will listen. I may ask you questions to help you to explore things further, and I will definitely summarise what you are telling me so that you can be sure I am listening to you.

FINDING THE SAFE PLACE TO EXPRESS YOURSELF

It is vital you are able to find somewhere where it is safe and acceptable to cry and share your feelings. Where it is acceptable to share and reshare your stories. This process is vital for processing your grief.

Different people have different needs around how much sharing is needed. Some people are fortunate enough to find a group of family/friends or a support group to allow them to talk and cry without censure. This type of support needs to be long term and consistent. It is unhelpful if family or friends become tired of hearing the stories and stop being supportive. It is also unhelpful if sometimes you get support and other times you are shut down.

Connection to a mutual support group can also be helpful. Being able to share with others who have been through what you are experiencing can help you feel okay to accept new ways of being.

CRAFTING A NARRATIVE

Narratives form a large part of your life and how you see yourself in the world. From family stories of events to your own stories of experiences you are always constructing stories (narratives) about your life. When someone you love dies you will construct many stories about their death, the events that occurred after that, the events in your life together and stories told to you by other people.

In a session with me you will be encouraged to share the narratives that seem important to you. You may not be aware you are doing it. Telling me about the events around your loved one’s death may not seem to be a narrative, but it is.

Narratives are useful in that they guide you to examine questions of meaning around your loved one’s death.

Narratives are not just facts of the events, they also include a lot of emotions. Sharing your narrative allows you to explore those emotions in a supportive environment.

RUMINATION AND HOW IT HELPS

Rumination is often seen as a negative in mental health. This is because the act of replaying negative stories and thoughts (rumination) is seen as being detrimental in depression.

Grief, however, is not depression. The sadness around grief may look like depression but it is not.

People with depression are discouraged from thinking about the negative thoughts.

With grief, however, researchers have discovered that this constant rehashing of events and feelings is beneficial in helping you to make sense of events, problem solve, reminisce and anticipate the future.

According to these researchers rumination in grief and other traumas is conscious, revolves around the event, and involves seeking to achieve a goal or the sorrow around a goal that has not been achieved.

In grief you are thinking about the past and that is something that needs to be worked through. You will also think about the present and the things now that are impacting you. They also need processing. You will also be worrying about what may happen in the future.

THERE ARE ALWAYS MORE LOSSES THAN JUST THE DEATH OF YOUR LOVED ONE.

As you process your thoughts about the loss of your loved one, you will reflect on past events and process anything that has remained unfinished. That is important in processing the grief.

You will also process the things that won’t happen. Examples include:

• You may never achieve your goal of a wonderful trip you had planned with your loved one.

• You may never get to grow old together.

• You may never have children together, or grandchildren, depending on your age.

These losses need to be processed as well.

BEFORE, AFTER AND THE POINT IT ALL CHANGED

In time you will likely find you divide your past into the time before your loved one died, the event of their death, and the time after. You will likely reflect late that the event of their death was a turning point in your life. Nothing was ever the same again. This doesn’t mean the turning point was something positive. It just was a point when your life changed.

There may come a point where you are able to recover the self esteem you may have lost as a result of your grief. You may find you wake up one day and realise you want to make changes in your life and you have the power to do that.

You may also accept the importance of looking after your needs. Part of this process may involve ending relationships that don’t help you anymore.

You will most likely realise that you are responsible for your own healing and your own journey.

None of this is easy, but it is possible if you want it. Enlisting the support of a trained grief counsellor to guide you through can really help.

HOW TO CONTACT ME

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How to Survive Grief

“I am sick of feeling sad all the time.

Can you wave your magic counsellor wand and make me feel better?”

Okay – the first sentence is one that is commonly spoken to me by people who are struggling to “move on” from their grief.

When they say move on, they are not referring to some rule that says they must get better but an expectation others may have placed on them or their own expectation.

Some people are just sick of feeling this way and want to move on.

The second part of that statement isn’t ever spoken but I frequently get the impression that is what is wanted.

And who wouldn’t.

On my grief journeys I have certainly wanted some kind fairy godmother to come along and wave her magic wand so that I can get back into my life.

Can you relate to this?

NEVER GOING BACK TO HOW IT WAS

I speak often of the fact that there is never any going back. Our lives are one way. We can never go back.

 Every step in life is a step forward that has no return.

 Every step in life involves you changing to match that step.

It is just that in the normal course of life you don’t notice how you have changed.

Most people find that they look back nostalgically on past times and wish they were back there. But that can never happen.

Once someone you love dies, your life changes more obviously than at other times. No matter how much you want to go back you never can.

REALITY EVEN IF YOU DON’T WANT IT IS STILL THERE

Life has changed and so have you.

 The reality is that you will keep living.

 The reality is that you will learn to live with the life you have.

 The reality is that the life you have will not be the life you had before your loved one died.

No matter what, you will get through this dark time in your life.

You may not want to, but you will.

MAKING A CHOICE … IN TIME

How well you move through this time into the rest of your life will depend on your choice to survive and get through this time.

Are you willing to do that?

I am not saying that the minute your loved one dies. Those moments when you feel numb and the world seems so unreal and foreign. Those days when you can’t seem to stop crying. Are the time you make that decision to get through it.

In the immediate aftermath of bereavement your brain and body are dealing with the enormity of your loss.

Give them time.

Later. When the numbness and pain have started to subside and you feel you might be able to get up, notice a pretty flower, talk to a friend you may find yourself willing to make that decision.

It will probably take months, and months.

ONE PERSON’S EXPERIENCE USING GRATITUDE

Sandy* came to see me after her father died.

His loss was devastating, and she missed him desperately.

She loved writing and I encouraged her to journal her feelings.

One day, about 6 months after her father died, she was journalling and found herself overwhelmed with sadness at her father’s death.

Sandy had practised gratitude for years. At that moment her gratitude habit kicked in and she found herself writing down all the things she was grateful for.

After that she wrote about all the things in her life with her father she was grateful for.

After this exercise she found herself focusing on the happy memories instead of the great loss she had suffered.

She made a conscious decision to remember her father in happy moments in life, not as he died at the end.

Every time she thought of her mother she chose to remember the happy moments.

She practised this so much that she found she automatically remembered the happy moments whenever she thought of her father.

Those happy memories helped her to see the wonderful things about her mother’s life.

She continued to acknowledge her sadness but also to list things about her father that she was grateful for.

Over time she found that instead of focusing on what she had lost, she was able to focus on what she had with her father and to realise her father would always live on in her memories.

She was able to let go of the regrets at the things her father would miss and instead focus on the things her father had.

She reported being so aware of her father always being with her through her memories.

It is possible to come to a place where you can focus on what you had instead of what you lost. Where you can remember the happy times and those memories can become the default ones.

With a decision to change your focus and a generous allowance of time to grieve, it is possible to move into a time of feeling less sad and focus instead on the happy memories.

It is possible, but give yourself time to grieve first.

Sometimes you need help from a qualified and more objective counsellor. If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

*please note than whenever I mention someone in my blogs I never use real names and change the circumstances to de-identify the person who has generously given permission for me to use their story in my blog.