Do you feel guilty because you are not thinking of your loved one enough?
Do you worry that you mustn’t have loved them enough because there are moments when you don’t think of them and actually feel momentarily happy?
Do you think you should have done more to keep them alive?
MY QUESTIONS TO YOU
If you think it is ridiculous to feel that way that is fantastic.
But if you find yourself feeling that way I acknowledge how hard that is.
And I am asking you some questions.
I am not asking as throw away lines to suggest you should have a different belief. I am asking them because I am genuinely curious to know your thoughts.
Is it okay to never be happy again?
Is it okay to only ever think of your loved one?
Is it okay to live while they have died?
SO MANY PEOPLE FEEL THIS WAY
It is not uncommon to feel this way when your loved one dies.
It feels profane to be enjoying life when someone you loved so much is not able to be alive at all.
At first, your thoughts may frequently turn to the pain of your loved one’s absence in your life.
Any thoughts of happiness are unlikely to invade that pain. But what if they do?
Are you okay laughing at something you probably laughed at before your loved one died? Something you may have laughed at together?
IS PAIN AND HAPPINESS AT THE SAME TIME POSSIBLE?
Can you feel the pain at the same time as you feel happiness?
Researchers have found that people can and do find a way to feel happy again. That they can actually think about other things and just think of their loved one occasionally. That they can be okay living.
But researchers have also found that the happiness exists alongside the sorrow of the person’s loss. The bitter sweet and sometimes downright devastating feelings can exist alongside happiness and joy.
ARE YOU SICK OF BEING SAD AND CRYING?
Many people come to see me because they are sick of feeling sad and crying. They loved their loved one and still miss them terribly, even years later. But they are just sick of the darkness of their grief and they long for the sun.
Maybe you feel that way too?
Maybe you just want to be happy again.
REALITY
I will tell you what I tell others. Yes, it is possible to be happy again and yes you will not always cry this much. But you will always feel sad over the loss of your loved one and you will still cry on occasion.
Sorrow will always be with you. Sorrow at the absence of someone you loved so much from your life. Sorrow at the future they (and you) lost. Sorrow at all the things you will experience without them. Sorrow at the things you planned to do together that you will never do again. Sorrow at the people you no longer have contact with because your loved one was the link to them. Sorrow at so many losses associated with your loved one’s absence.
THE PAIN WILL NEVER COMPLETELY HEAL
Yes, the pain will abate over time, but it will never completely go. It is like that limp you have from a broken ankle that never completely healed. There will always be that reminder of what you had and lost.
And if you loved that person so much, do you really want the pain to completely go away? Do you really want to forget them?
IS LIFE WITH THAT PAIN POSSIBLE?
Can you live if the pain is always there?
People tell me they can live with that pain.
It is not pleasant, but they have found ways to feel it in a safer way.
They have learned to feel the bitter sweet memories of their loved one. And they have learned that sometimes it is okay to be sad, or cry.
They have also learned that it is possible to carry the pain while living and being happy.
Knowing they can do that has actually helped. It has helped to find a way to commemorate their loved one, but still live.
THE EXPANDING OF LIFE INTO A DEEPER RICHNESS
They have found that life has greater depth now. That life is richer and fuller for the added dimension of sorrow that, rather than make everything sad and depressing, actually enhances the happy moments, makes them more special and have deeper meaning. That they take the happy moments more attentively and with more gratitude because they have suffered the pain of loss and appreciate the happy moments that come.
But all this takes time, and determination.
CAN I HELP YOU?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
In my last blog on Grief, I talked about how you can grow from grief. It sounds bizarre to suggest that something so horrible can lead to positive growth, but it can.
It is important to note that not everyone who grieves will experience positive growth. But a lot of people do.
POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH
You may have heard the term “post traumatic growth”.
This term has been gaining popularity amongst workers in the trauma field. It is the idea that trauma is not always negative. It can also have a positive aspect where the person grows in a positive direction as they recover from their trauma.
BUT THIS IS TRAUMA I AM TALKING ABOUT, NOT GRIEF.
Grief is a traumatic experience and it is included in discussions about post traumatic growth.
Trauma is a highly stressful event that often results in a negative response. Researchers have found that your brain manages the stress in the same way that positive changes can be made in the brain.
What this means is that it is possible after a highly distressing traumatic event to have negative and positive growth.
It is well known that crises in life lead to distressing emotions and it is not unusual for you as you experience these emotions to feel anxious and frightened. You may also feel sad and depressed. These feelings can continue for a long time.
Grief is one of these life crises and it is well known that sadness, a deep longing (otherwise known as yearning) for the person and wishing the person was still alive are common. Feelings of guilt, anger and irritability are also commonly observed in people who are grieving and you may be experiencing these feelings too.
These same experiences are also common in people who have suffered other traumas.
HOW CAN I GROW WHEN I AM SO DEVASTATED?
There is a widespread that trauma always results in negative consequences to the traumatised person. But research has also shown that growth also occurs. In short, that distress you feel can coexist with growth.
Many people feel they go backwards when they suffer grief and for a time that is probably true. But post traumatic growth is not just a return to the way you were, it is actually an improvement that in some people is very obvious.
IS POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH THE SAME A RESILIENCE?
Before I answer that question it is important to acknowledge that grief is not just an intellectual pursuit. Many people try to intellectualise it and fail. Grief is also experiential. You need to allow yourself to experience it in order to process it.
Resilience and Post Traumatic Growth, along with hardiness, optimism and a sense of coherence are personal characteristics that provide the ability of the individual to manage difficulties effectively.
Resilience is the ability to bounce back and continue with life after a difficult event.
Hardiness is an ability to commit to things, control self and face challenges that occur in life. Characteristics of hardiness are considered to be curiosity, being proactive, having a strong belief in your personal effectiveness and being willing to face challenges positively.
Optimism is where you consider positive outcomes will occur … eventually.
A Sense of Coherence is where you have the ability to understand events, can cope with them and even find meaning in them.
Post Traumatic Growth refers to the ability to change and not be damaged by life’s stressful events. This is where you are able to transform your life.
WHAT GRIEF TRAUMA DOES TO YOU
Grief trauma causes you to be somebody else. After a traumatic event it is not possible to go back to being the you that you were before.
It causes you to rethink all that you have previously believed about the reliability and fairness of your world.
You may find the people you thought would stand by you melt away and the ones who support you were people on the periphery of your friend circle. So many people report family rifts opening up and long term friendships ending.
All these changes in the people around you add to the sense of the world you knew ceasing to exist.
You are likely to experience a loss of trust in the certainty and positivity of life.
HOW DO I GROW FROM THAT?
When you suffer such a traumatic event it will always be remembered as traumatic. How can it be okay that this person you loved so much has died?
What researchers have found happens is that, without making a decision to, you will over time make meaning out of this traumatic event.
HOW DOES POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH WORK?
There is within everyone a drive to survive. That drive is now known to continue to operate in the brain even when there is a trauma being experienced. In other words, your desire to survive is existing in your brain alongside your distress as this traumatic event.
This is how it is possible to derive meaning from the event, even when it is so distressing.
As your brain works to survive this distress, your brain is also finding new understandings of the world. It is coming to terms with the uncertainty and unfairness of the world and the changes in support networks that may have occurred.
What this means is that you grow in the aftermath of grief because of your brain seeking to comprehend the new reality of your life with the loss of the person you love, the loss of trust in the world and the loss of some support networks.
WHAT DOES POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH LOOK LIKE?
People who report experiencing this growth report they:
• Feel an increased appreciation of life in general
• Develop more meaningful interpersonal relationships
• Possess an increased sense of personal strength
• Experience changed priorities, and
• Have a richer existential and spiritual life
WHAT SUPPORT CAN I OFFER YOU TO FACILITATE YOUR POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH?
Research has shown that post traumatic growth can be aided by the presence of supportive others to listen, assist you to craft narratives about what has happened and help you explore different perspectives. I will not tell you that in your initial sessions. It is just a process I understand you may undertake at some time.
At first you are likely to be feeling very emotional. You may spend more time crying than talking. That is totally normal and my counselling sessions are safe places for you to cry and express your emotions.
There will come a time when you will be ready to talk about other things some of the time.
REBUILDING YOUR WORLD
Because grief shatters your world you have to rebuild it. Part of this process is examining what the world means to you now. This is an existential experience and you need a counsellor who is comfortable with existential processes. As an existential therapist I am very comfortable with those at times difficult explorations. I can hold that space for you as you explore beliefs and concepts that may seem strange and even scary.
You may experience spiritual challenges and you need someone comfortable with those discussions. This is something I am very experienced in.
TELLING YOUR STORY
It is also important you are able to tell your story and be heard. Society often imposes limits on what the bereaved person is able to share. Many people feel constrained to share their feelings and are afraid to cry in public.
Being heard involves being allowed to talk without the other person telling you their story, or trying to solve your problem, or trying to offer platitudes such as “they are in a better place”, “its all for the best” and so on.
I will listen. I may ask you questions to help you to explore things further, and I will definitely summarise what you are telling me so that you can be sure I am listening to you.
FINDING THE SAFE PLACE TO EXPRESS YOURSELF
It is vital you are able to find somewhere where it is safe and acceptable to cry and share your feelings. Where it is acceptable to share and reshare your stories. This process is vital for processing your grief.
Different people have different needs around how much sharing is needed. Some people are fortunate enough to find a group of family/friends or a support group to allow them to talk and cry without censure. This type of support needs to be long term and consistent. It is unhelpful if family or friends become tired of hearing the stories and stop being supportive. It is also unhelpful if sometimes you get support and other times you are shut down.
Connection to a mutual support group can also be helpful. Being able to share with others who have been through what you are experiencing can help you feel okay to accept new ways of being.
CRAFTING A NARRATIVE
Narratives form a large part of your life and how you see yourself in the world. From family stories of events to your own stories of experiences you are always constructing stories (narratives) about your life. When someone you love dies you will construct many stories about their death, the events that occurred after that, the events in your life together and stories told to you by other people.
In a session with me you will be encouraged to share the narratives that seem important to you. You may not be aware you are doing it. Telling me about the events around your loved one’s death may not seem to be a narrative, but it is.
Narratives are useful in that they guide you to examine questions of meaning around your loved one’s death.
Narratives are not just facts of the events, they also include a lot of emotions. Sharing your narrative allows you to explore those emotions in a supportive environment.
RUMINATION AND HOW IT HELPS
Rumination is often seen as a negative in mental health. This is because the act of replaying negative stories and thoughts (rumination) is seen as being detrimental in depression.
Grief, however, is not depression. The sadness around grief may look like depression but it is not.
People with depression are discouraged from thinking about the negative thoughts.
With grief, however, researchers have discovered that this constant rehashing of events and feelings is beneficial in helping you to make sense of events, problem solve, reminisce and anticipate the future.
According to these researchers rumination in grief and other traumas is conscious, revolves around the event, and involves seeking to achieve a goal or the sorrow around a goal that has not been achieved.
In grief you are thinking about the past and that is something that needs to be worked through. You will also think about the present and the things now that are impacting you. They also need processing. You will also be worrying about what may happen in the future.
THERE ARE ALWAYS MORE LOSSES THAN JUST THE DEATH OF YOUR LOVED ONE.
As you process your thoughts about the loss of your loved one, you will reflect on past events and process anything that has remained unfinished. That is important in processing the grief.
You will also process the things that won’t happen. Examples include:
• You may never achieve your goal of a wonderful trip you had planned with your loved one.
• You may never get to grow old together.
• You may never have children together, or grandchildren, depending on your age.
These losses need to be processed as well.
BEFORE, AFTER AND THE POINT IT ALL CHANGED
In time you will likely find you divide your past into the time before your loved one died, the event of their death, and the time after. You will likely reflect late that the event of their death was a turning point in your life. Nothing was ever the same again. This doesn’t mean the turning point was something positive. It just was a point when your life changed.
There may come a point where you are able to recover the self esteem you may have lost as a result of your grief. You may find you wake up one day and realise you want to make changes in your life and you have the power to do that.
You may also accept the importance of looking after your needs. Part of this process may involve ending relationships that don’t help you anymore.
You will most likely realise that you are responsible for your own healing and your own journey.
None of this is easy, but it is possible if you want it. Enlisting the support of a trained grief counsellor to guide you through can really help.
HOW TO CONTACT ME
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Can you wave your magic counsellor wand and make me feel better?”
Okay – the first sentence is one that is commonly spoken to me by people who are struggling to “move on” from their grief.
When they say move on, they are not referring to some rule that says they must get better but an expectation others may have placed on them or their own expectation.
Some people are just sick of feeling this way and want to move on.
The second part of that statement isn’t ever spoken but I frequently get the impression that is what is wanted.
And who wouldn’t.
On my grief journeys I have certainly wanted some kind fairy godmother to come along and wave her magic wand so that I can get back into my life.
Can you relate to this?
NEVER GOING BACK TO HOW IT WAS
I speak often of the fact that there is never any going back. Our lives are one way. We can never go back.
Every step in life is a step forward that has no return.
Every step in life involves you changing to match that step.
It is just that in the normal course of life you don’t notice how you have changed.
Most people find that they look back nostalgically on past times and wish they were back there. But that can never happen.
Once someone you love dies, your life changes more obviously than at other times. No matter how much you want to go back you never can.
REALITY EVEN IF YOU DON’T WANT IT IS STILL THERE
Life has changed and so have you.
The reality is that you will keep living.
The reality is that you will learn to live with the life you have.
The reality is that the life you have will not be the life you had before your loved one died.
No matter what, you will get through this dark time in your life.
You may not want to, but you will.
MAKING A CHOICE … IN TIME
How well you move through this time into the rest of your life will depend on your choice to survive and get through this time.
Are you willing to do that?
I am not saying that the minute your loved one dies. Those moments when you feel numb and the world seems so unreal and foreign. Those days when you can’t seem to stop crying. Are the time you make that decision to get through it.
In the immediate aftermath of bereavement your brain and body are dealing with the enormity of your loss.
Give them time.
Later. When the numbness and pain have started to subside and you feel you might be able to get up, notice a pretty flower, talk to a friend you may find yourself willing to make that decision.
It will probably take months, and months.
ONE PERSON’S EXPERIENCE USING GRATITUDE
Sandy* came to see me after her father died.
His loss was devastating, and she missed him desperately.
She loved writing and I encouraged her to journal her feelings.
One day, about 6 months after her father died, she was journalling and found herself overwhelmed with sadness at her father’s death.
Sandy had practised gratitude for years. At that moment her gratitude habit kicked in and she found herself writing down all the things she was grateful for.
After that she wrote about all the things in her life with her father she was grateful for.
After this exercise she found herself focusing on the happy memories instead of the great loss she had suffered.
She made a conscious decision to remember her father in happy moments in life, not as he died at the end.
Every time she thought of her mother she chose to remember the happy moments.
She practised this so much that she found she automatically remembered the happy moments whenever she thought of her father.
Those happy memories helped her to see the wonderful things about her mother’s life.
She continued to acknowledge her sadness but also to list things about her father that she was grateful for.
Over time she found that instead of focusing on what she had lost, she was able to focus on what she had with her father and to realise her father would always live on in her memories.
She was able to let go of the regrets at the things her father would miss and instead focus on the things her father had.
She reported being so aware of her father always being with her through her memories.
It is possible to come to a place where you can focus on what you had instead of what you lost. Where you can remember the happy times and those memories can become the default ones.
With a decision to change your focus and a generous allowance of time to grieve, it is possible to move into a time of feeling less sad and focus instead on the happy memories.
It is possible, but give yourself time to grieve first.
Sometimes you need help from a qualified and more objective counsellor. If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
*please note than whenever I mention someone in my blogs I never use real names and change the circumstances to de-identify the person who has generously given permission for me to use their story in my blog.
In my work with grieving people I have found the following issues are very common.
I THINK I SHOULD HAVE MOVED ON BY NOW
What does moving on mean?
When I ask people that question they often cannot answer it.
What does moving on mean to you?
The usual answer I get is that other people feel they should have moved on.
Other people think they are crying too much, or focusing too much on their grief.
Occasionally I may be told “I am fed up with crying”.
The truth is you never “move on”. You just learn to live a new way that incorporates the pain you feel.
There may be factors that prevent you from incorporating that pain.
OTHER FACTORS CAN DEEPEN THE IMPACT OF YOUR GRIEF EXPERIENCE
If you have experienced other losses in your life that you have not been able to process and find a new way to live with the pain, then you will likely find it hard to process your current grief.
If you have experienced trauma in the past you may find it hard to process your emotions.
If you find it hard to regulate your emotions you may find it hard to manage the processing of the emotions associated with your loss.
WHAT WAS THE RELATIONSHIP LIKE?
Are there any unresolved issues?
If there was anything unresolved in the relationship with your loved one it is hard to process the emotions until you resolve the emotions related to that.
Kayla was finding it hard to process the emotions over her father’s death. He was very abusive when she was a small child. The abuse tapered off as she grew through her teenage years but it was never resolved. She thought she had left it behind her and “moved on” from its impacts. But the death of her father left her with the anger of what he had done to her and the regret she had never challenged him on what he had done.
Before Kayla could process the grief over her father’s death, she needed to address the unresolved abuse.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO FIRST
Philip’s daughter died in a skiing accident when she was just 20.
Philip couldn’t shake his distress that he hadn’t died first.
Added to that was the belief that he had failed to protect her. The fact she was skiing with friends and he wasn’t there and that she was an adult who could make her own choices didn’t prevent him from suffering over that belief.
I WAS IN SURVIVAL MODE
Therefore shut down and not experiencing the emotional experience of watching a loved one die.
Emma’s husband of 30 years died after a long illness with cancer. She became so caught up in her concerns for him and the pain he was in that she didn’t experience her own feelings at the time.
I DIDN’T FEEL I HAD PERMISSION TO FEEL THE EMOTIONS
Ben’s brother was the one dying. He was the one who was dying too young and too soon. Ben was struggling to cope with the emotions he was feeling at his own much loved brother dying. He felt he couldn’t ask for help or talk to anyone because his brother was the one dying and deserving all the attention. And his parents were losing their son. Then there was his partner who was also devastated at losing the person they felt was their soul mate.
Ben felt selfish feeling upset and sad.
I WAS LOOKING AFTER MY CHILDREN’S NEEDS
When Corinne’s husband died she felt she had to look after her young children and their needs. She felt she needed to put their need to comprehend and understand their father’s death first. She didn’t allow herself to experience the pain of her own emotions because she wanted to look after her children.
HOW DO I FORM A NEVER ENDING BOND?
John came to see me because he was terrified he would forget his wife. He was frightened that if he stopped feeling the extreme pain of losing her, he would forget her.
When someone we love dies their physical life is over. But the relationship never ends. Some people can resolve and find meaning in that new form of the relationship. Occasionally people don’t. This is known as continuing bonds.
It is now accepted that the bond with the person you love continues after their death. This is why grief never ends. The relationship never ends and the longing for that person’s physical presence never ends.
What John needed was reassurance he would not forget his wife and help to negotiate a new way of relating to his wife that allowed him to continue to live without her, but still have her in his memory.
I DON’T WANT TO SAY GOODBYE
One of the worst things about losing someone you love is having to continue living when they are no longer alive with you.
It is so hard to accept that and feel able to live, to be happy, have fun, have new experiences that your loved one cannot have.
You don’t have to say goodbye. You can still have a relationship with this person. Yes they are dead, but the relationship you had with them is still very much alive. Yes your brain will remove the neurons that connect you to the living person, but not to the memories of your relationship.
You can continue with that person in your life, just not in your physical life.
Live and continue to remember them.
Live and be okay to live.
You don’t have to forget them and you don’t have to say goodbye to them. Just continue with your life and bring their memories with you.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
*please note than whenever I mention someone in my blogs I never use real names and change the circumstances to de-identify the person who has generously given permission for me to use their story in my blog.
If you look at the grief of loss as a learning experience then it is easier to understand the length of time it takes. This is particularly so if you consider that learning is a lifetime pursuit.
LOSS OF NORMAL ROUTINES
One of the really disorienting aspects of grief is the loss of normal routines and events of life when someone you love dies.
This is especially so if this person was very present in your life. The more your life intersected theirs, the more the disruption of normal routines and events.
With time, new normal routines are formed. Of course, that does not solve the pain over the absence in your life of that person you loved.
The process of finding those new normal routines is what the first period of grief is about. That is the part where life is most disrupted and there is a struggle to just get through each day.
YOUR BRAIN LEARNING NEW ROUTINES
This is the period of greatest learning. It is about learning to adjust everything in you and your life to match the new environment you find yourself in.
Before you think that sounds like an insurmountable thing to achieve, consider the fact that your brain knows exactly what to do. Every day of your life you have to adjust to things that are changing.
• You have to adjust to the weather when getting dressed.
• You have to adjust to the need to keep dry when it is raining.
• You may have to drive a different route home because of a road closure.
• You can’t find what you want at the shops and have to find something else instead.
• Someone at work may leave, or someone new may start.
• You may be more challenged by starting a new job or moving house.
NEURAL PATHWAYS IN YOUR BRAIN
These are just some examples of the way your brain has to constantly adjust to changes.
Some changes are more difficult to adjust to than others. You may not see those changes as difficult. If you start a new job, your brain has to adjust to that routine. But you will more likely see this as exciting and a bit stressful. The same applies to moving house.
Other changes may not be exciting. When someone you love dies that is not an exciting thing initially.
WHEN ROUTINE CATCHES YOU UP
We are creatures of habit and our brains ensure we are by establishing neural pathways that lead us to follow habits of thought and action.
An example of this is waking up in the morning. Assuming you are at home, you expect to open your eyes and see the same room, the same view, the same people. If the person who has always slept beside you is gone that is a shock. Your neural pathways are telling you to expect certain things in the morning and one of those expectations is not met.
So you wake up, they are not there, and you experience the crushing reality of their absence.
NEURAL PATHWAYS TAKE TIME TO FORM
It takes time for neural pathways to form. The usual estimate for adults is three months. So for roughly three months you will experience that crushing reality every day.
And this pattern is repeated throughout the day.
Small wonder you find it hard to cope.
This forming of new neural pathways is learning. This learning is the major task your brain undertakes as you grieve.
GRIEF SHATTERS THE PREDICTABILITY OF YOUR WORLD
When your loved one dies your nice predictable world is shattered. It doesn’t exist anymore. Those early months and maybe years after a loved one’s death is a time of learning to find a new predictable world to replace the old one.
Not only does grief shatter our predictable world, it can shatter our sense of who we are. We are built for relationships. We love the people we are in relationship with. Part of that love is forming an identity that includes the people we love. If one of those people dies, then our sense of self is also shattered.
THE ROLE OF MEMORY IN GRIEF
Memory plays a huge part in how we relate to others and therefore how we grieve.
We use our life experiences in living our lives. Our memories of past experiences teach us to fear things that in the past were dangerous. They teach us to predict the outcome of an event based on past experience of similar events. That is sometimes referred to as pattern matching and it is often used in our brain’s defence systems.
PATTERN MATCHING IN YOUR BRAIN
Pattern matching is never exact or our brains would rarely be able to predict danger. Pattern matching works by looking for similarities in order to predict danger.
Pattern matching is also used to predict good things. If you see your loved one, pattern matching may lead you to predict they will smile, kiss and hug you.
These pattern matches are neural pathways that also need to change. So you will find it hard learning to feel that your loved one is dead. You will see someone in a crowd and you will be sure they are your loved one.
This pattern match may also be present in that your first reaction when something happens is to text or call your loved one to tell them about it. Then there is the crushing realisation that they aren’t there.
UNLEARNING AND BUILDING NEW NEURAL PATHWAYS
Unlearning that pattern match is another thing your brain has to do.
So many people who have lost a loved one report a strong desire to be with the person who has died. This is another example of neural pathways that are yet to be rebuilt. You are hurting and your brain is offering up a solution – contact with the person your love. Unfortunately, the brain hasn’t quite registered they are not there. Well, the part that yearns hasn’t registered that.
Over time, new neural pathways form and it is possible to live without such constant pain. You will wake up in the morning and know they are not there anymore. You will learn a new sense of self. You will know not to call or text your loved one.
You will never stop loving that person. The pain of their absence will never go away. What will happen is that the love and pain will exist alongside the need to live in the here and now.
As you live through the time of your brain learning new ways of living, be patient with yourself. You are doing great. It will eventually get better. You will learn how to live again.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief learning, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Why? Because over the course of my life I have observed that to be very true.
So often when bad things happen:
• You lose your job
• You move to a new area and leave all your support networks
• Your dog dies
• A relationship ends
• You lose your health
• Someone you love dies
• And more
You struggle to get back to life as it was.
But the reality is that will never happen.
When you lose something or someone important to you, grieving for that loss changes who you are.
Once you change, you cannot go back to how you were. All you can do is move forward into the new person that you are.
This means the way you relate to the world has changed, because you have.
If you have changed then the way you are in the world has changed too.
The end result is that you need to learn how to be in the world now, as the new you.
That is not easy. It is not necessarily desirable. But it is a fact. It is what it is. All you can do is learn how to be in the world as you are now.
If you are struggling with this, it can be helpful to seek professional help from a registered counsellor.
I am a registered counsellor and if you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with relearning how to be in the world, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Recently I was reading a book After Story by Larissa Behrendt. At one point in the book one of her characters reflects on the failure of English words to describe many things.
The English language has a rich array of words in many areas, but in others, there is a great lack of words to describe the nuances of many emotions.
The character mused on this fact. I have described her musings in my own interpretation below.
DESCRIBING GRIEF
Grief is one. There are so many layers to the experience of losing someone you love.
The word hope is another. So often you are encouraged to have hope in the future or you feel you have lost hope in the future you dreamed of. The word hope just doesn’t describe the nuances of feeling around the word hope as it relates to grief.
The word tragedy doesn’t even begin to describe the awfulness and extent of losing someone you love.
The truth of what the author wrote really struck me.
This is often something people I see struggle to comprehend.
HOW TO DESCRIBE THESE BAFFLING FEELINGS AND STRANGE EMOTIONS
If you are struggling with grief you may experience the same difficulty.
How do you put into words the impact of the death of someone you love?
There are not enough words in the English language to fully describe it.
It is also important to note that every person’s experience of grief is different.
But how do you express something so far reaching? So life changing?
How do you express the lost hopes and dreams? How do you express the extent of the tragedy that has befallen you?
THESE FEELINGS NEED TO BE NAMES TO MAKE SENSE OF THEM
The difficulty of expressing these feelings doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t express them. You need to. If you can’t express them to yourself how do you make sense of it all?
For this reason, I use a number of different approaches to working with you. Words alone are never enough so I like to use other approaches.
DIFFERENT APPROACHES WORK WHERE WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS FEELINGS
I teach these approaches to use in sessions so that you can encounter these feelings and have them witnessed. Being able to share the array of emotions is an important part of grief.
I also teach these approaches so that you can use them personally whenever you need to. Below are some of the approaches I use:
. Journaling, both with prompts such as questions to answer and free expression of what is in your head is one way.
. Writing poetry is another way. Haiku is a great format to use the haiku is a Japanese poetic form that consists of three lines, with five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, and five in the third.
. Sandplay, where you use symbols in sand to explore aspects of your grief is also very powerful.
. Finally, painting or drawing is very powerful and my personal favourite. I don’t ask you to paint a masterpiece. I just ask you to put shapes, squiggles, dots, stick figures, blocks of colour, anything you feel is important to do. You are expressing what cannot be put into words and it can come out many ways.
CAN I HELP YOU?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
In the past, most people who were dying died at home and in many countries the deceased person was placed in the coffin in the front room, where they stayed until the funeral.
In our modern world. Funeral homes have replaced the front room and viewings are planned and something those paying for the funeral have to pay for.
Instead of home, death is hidden away in hospitals, nursing homes and palliative care units. It is less common for people to die at home.
WHAT TO DO IN THOSE EARLY DAYS
In my work I see many people in that initial stage of the death of a loved one. I see them either at critical incident debriefs, or as individual clients/family groups.
In that early stage the sense of unreality is so strong. It is hard to absorb the news. It is more about just surviving up to and including the funeral.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF
I always tell people to be kind to themselves. To not expect to be running around looking after other people. Instead I suggest they be really selfish and look to their own needs. Naturally, if they have children they need to caring for them, but with other people their needs come first.
I once had a client who had been upset that an acquaintance of her sister came to her mother’s funeral, then came up to her afterwards demanding she do things for him. He didn’t even acknowledge her mother’s death. She felt pressured to attend to his demands and upset at his intrusion on her mourning.
This is why I always remind people to put themselves and their needs ahead of funeral guests. Guests at a funeral are there to support, not demand.
HONOURING YOUR LOVED ONE AFTER THE FUNERAL
The other thing I talk to people about is how they plan to honour the life and acknowledge the death of their loved one. Funerals are not always good places to do that. In my experience the guests usually find the funeral helps them, but those really close to the person often need more than that.
So I always ask the question “what can you do to honour your loved one?”
People have many different ideas about what they do:
• One planned to light a candle every day for a period of time.
• Another planned to go to the beach on Sundays, which they had always done together.
• Another client planned to devise a commemoration ceremony to hold periodically after the death of their loved on.
• Many people report setting up a small altar in the home with their loved one’s ashes, photo, a candle and something they loved.
• Distributing the ashes is another way many people find helpful. Some do this on their own when they feel ready. Others will plan a day with close family and friends.
These are just some of the ways people commemorate the loss of their loved one.
They are not the only ways. There are as many commemorations as there are people experiencing grief.
The important thing is that you do something to acknowledge your loved one and their loss. It doesn’t have to be fancy. But it is helpful if it is meaningful for you.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Given the public holiday on the day I usually write these blogs, I thought I would post today a beautiful passage of prose from the book “How to carry what can’t be fixed” by Megan Devine.
This is a wonderful book that I highly recommend to someone struggling with grief. The book contains wonderful information and sharing on the difficulties of grief and some beautiful and helpful reflections/worksheet you may find helpful to do.
For today, here is a beautiful passage from the book.
We come to ourselves in softening, in tenderness, to become available to pain and to love. To make our hearts available. Yield, don’t fight. All is not well, and here we are with that. So we show up as tenderly as we can. Show up with tenderness for what is, softening into it. Yield.
Grief does not show you that you’ve lost your way. Grief is the way. Softening your heart is a radical act. Wanting for yourself something beautiful and gently and kind. Holding out your hands to see what comes. Holding out your heart as a place for meeting what has already come.
What is here now is love: it’s not here to make it better, not here to make grief go away, hot here to give you a reason. It’s just here.
And love sits beside you now, even when you don’t feel it, even when it seems to have disappeared from sight. Maybe love is still here with you in whatever form it can take: a love that goes beneath everything. It makes no sense. I don’t think it tries to. But there is love beneath and around and within everything.
And maybe this love knew, maybe love was there preparing you as best it could for what was to come, for what is now. maybe you have been companioned all along, through this whole life, by love in all its forms, and at all times.
As you breathe into this space, you feel a gentleness come into you now, rising up to meet you, surrounding your heart, holding your hands. Infinite love. Infinite tenderness.
Love is with you here. A love that is heartbroken for you, as much as it is heartbroken with you. Beside you, exactly here. And you breathe in all the love that’s available. All the gentleness. Meeting pain with love, we open into love.
And we come back again and again, making that choice to be present, to feel it, to receive even this – even this. All is not well, and here you are with that.
What began in love continues here along this road, on this path here.
May you know love.
May you know kindness.
May you be free from suffering.
And may you have hope in the continual, continuing experiment: to believe in a love that doesn’t save you, but is still your shelter and still your home.
May what you’ve found in this book help you carry what is yours to live.
Add to that the discomfort many people when in the presence of someone who is grieving and you have people being told a lot of things about how long to grieve. About what is “normal”.
AS LONG AS IT TAKES
The reality is grief lasts as long as it takes.
Don’t allow the discomfort of others to make you feel wrong in the way you are grieving or the length of time it is taking.
It takes as long as it takes.
Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.
YOU WILL MAKE PROGRESS
Do know that you will make progress. But it will take a long time. You will have good days and you will have days when you feel no better than on the first day.
That is the experience of many other people too.
WHEN TO SEEK HELP
If over an extended period of time (months) you find you are still stuck in the same place you were in when your grief started then you may want to see a counsellor.
HOW TO SUPPORT A FRIEND
If you are supporting someone who is grieving the best approach is to ask the griever what love and support look like at this moment in time. That way you are letting them know you care and want to help. You are also letting them know the help you are prepared to give is what they want and need.
Remember our emotions are what makes us human.
Being sad is a beautiful part of being human.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
