• That research is showing that your internal body and internal organs send signals to your brain and play a major role in regulating your emotions?
• That your brain flicks in time with your heartbeat?
• That your emotions are impacted by neural activity that is impacted by your body organs?
• That memories are more likely to be remembered when you are in the body state you were in when the memory was first laid down?
• That interoception is important to keep you alive and allows you to feel pain and discomfort in your body.
• That people have different levels of interoception and trauma, either in childhood or adulthood, can reduce interoception.
WHAT LEVEL OF INTEROCEPTION DO YOU HAVE?
One test is to sit comfortably in a chair. Somewhere where you feel safe. • Close your eyes.
• Place your attention in your heart.
• Can you feel it beating in your chest?
• If so, can you count your heart beats without having to find your pulse and count with your finger?
If you can feel your heart, then you have good interoception.
Interoception is not well known. Most of the emphasis in life is on what we think, not on what we feel in our bodies.
But interoception is a vital skill for your wellbeing.
Did you know that research has indicated that how well you can feel the signals from your body determines how well you regulate your emotions. If you can regulate your emotions well then you are less likely to experience anxiety and depression.
If you can read what your body is feeling, then you can be better able to protect yourself from mental health issues, regulate your emotions, and resolve conflicts.
WHAT IS INTEROCEPTION?
Interoception is the signals, expressed in sensations, that you receive from your body. This includes sensations sent from your internal organs such as your heart, lungs, bowel, bladder and so on.
These sensations are constantly being sent to our brains, where they are read by the brain. The brain makes the decision whether we need to be consciously aware of any of these sensations.
Have you ever heard someone say they felt something in their body wasn’t quite right then found out they had a medical issue with a particular body organ? This is an example of interoception where signals from an organ indicating a problem were sent to the brain and the brain sent messages to your conscious brain that there was something wrong.
When you feel something is wrong but can’t quite explain that feeling, this is interoception at work.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NOTICING BODY SENSATIONS AND UNDERSTANDING THEM
Most people’s brains are able to feel what is in their bodies, but they may not know how to interpret what they are feeling. They may not understand the link between what their body is feeling and the event that led them to develop that reaction in their brain.
Some people are totally cut off from the understanding of those sensations and may not even be aware they are feeling anything in their body unless they are taught to pay attention to those sensations. This is seen often in people who are depressed. They cannot feel their bodies and they feel numb.
Similarly, people who have suffered trauma, especially childhood trauma, often have difficulty feeling body sensations.
POOR INTEROCEPTION CAN LEAD TO ANXIETY
Other people are aware of these sensations but cannot understand what they mean. These types of people are more likely to report feeling anxious. They need to learn to connect these sensations with their conscious brains.
People who report feeling numb and separate from their body have been found to have poor interoceptive awareness. They struggle to notice what they are feeling.
Autistic people often struggle with interoception because they often struggle with Alexithymia (see previous blog on this). This is why many autistic adults suffer from anxiety.
INTEROCEPTION AND YOUR SENSE OF SELF
Interoception is the foundation of your sense of self.
THINGS YOU CAN DO TO IMPROVE INTEROCEPTION
Mindfulness is one approach that has been found to increase people’s ability to tune into their internal sensations.
Exercise has also been shown to help with interoception, especially certain exercises. For people with trauma histories, the feeling of the heart racing is threatening as it can trigger the fear of a trauma response. Exercising and getting used to the heart racing, and learning how to be comfortable with that can help with the feeling of threat. Exercise will also allow you to use mindfulness to allow you to learn to read the signals your exercising body is giving out.
Interestingly strength training has been shown to reduce anxiety. It is thought that training the muscles changes the signals the brain receives from the muscles as they become stronger and better able to deal with heavy use.
DO YOU NEED HELP?
It is helpful to seek professional help with difficulties with interoception. A trauma trained counsellor can help you resolve any underlying issues and learn how to feel safe in your body. Once you feel safein your body then you can learn interoception.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your interoception, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
When people come to see me about the difficulties in their lives I teach them to be more aware of their own thoughts, emotions, reactions and body sensations that occur when they encounter difficulties.
There is a reason for this.
Many years ago, John Bradshaw wrote that you cannot heal what you cannot feel.
Many have sought to debunk this statement, but the reality is that pushing the difficult feelings down so you think you aren’t aware of feeling them, does not allow healing.
The difficult feelings are still there, even when you can’t consciously feel them. And those difficult feelings have a massive impact on your behaviour and reaction to things.
DO YOU WANT TO BE FREE OF THESE REACTIONS TO THINGS THAT YOU CAN’T CONTROL?
Here is what I teach you to do. It is based on the RAIN meditation as taught by Tara Brach.
Recognise or become aware of your emotions. This includes being aware of what is happening in your body. a. What sensations can you feel? b. Where do you feel them? c. What do they feel like? d. What are the thoughts in your mind?
Acknowledge and name what you are feeling. This is important as you cannot address the emotions if you aren’t able to identify them. Also, naming your emotions helps you to separate them from you personally.
Investigate or explore those feelings. This is important to understand where they come from. It is helpful to consider how old the one expressing the thoughts is. Reactions to things come from past events when a difficult incident has become embedded unresolved in your memory. When incidents occur that are similar to the original incident you react according to that unresolved memory.
Nurture yourself. Offer yourself compassion and kind words of comfort.
Let me share this in a more expanded form.
PROTEST OR TRANSFORM?
Becoming aware of your emotions is important. So often you may feel upset, uncomfortable, angry and not know why. Your rational brain may be telling yourself you are being silly. You may feel alarm because in the past these feelings have led you to behave in ways that have damaged relationships.
I have been taught that when I face difficulties in life there are two choices:
• Protest and push through
• Transform and stop to explore what I am feeling.
Protesting means you just push forward and push the emotions down. You may react in ways you wish you hadn’t. You just push forward and keep going. And this situation repeats and repeats until you do something to get help.
RAIN
Transforming means you stop. You allow yourself time to explore what is happening for you.
You follow the path of RAIN.
RECOGNISE WHAT YOU ARE FEELING
You seek to become aware of what you are feeling. You become aware of the sensations in your body, their location, the type of sensation they are, the words or phrases running through your mind. All these are valuable for you to understand what is happening.
If you take the time, you will realise what you are actually feeling.
Don’t be afraid of those feelings. All feelings are okay. They are vital clues to what is happening for you. They are clues to unresolved issues from the past. Issues that continue to influence the way you react to things.
ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEELINGS
Now you have taken the time to identify your feelings you can name them.
This naming is not a shameful or condemning thing to do. It is about recognising without judgement that perfectly understandable feelings you are experiencing.
You may be feeling angry, hurt, confused, shame, fear and so on.
INVESTIGATE YOUR FEELINGS
You have named your feelings, now you are going to investigate them further.
• Where did those feelings come from?
• Are there any memories that come to mind when you investigate those feelings?
• What do those phrases in your head say?
You have found a memory – now it is time to go deeper and explore more of that memory.
• How old were you?
• What was happening for you?
• What were you feeling then?
• Is it reasonable to judge yourself at that age, circumstance?
AN EXPLORATION INTO THE PAST
Often when you explore the source of feelings you find their source is an incident from your childhood.
Looking back now you can realise the child’s feelings and experience were normal for a child of that age and developmental stage. You can see the child you were as a small child who needed support and understanding. You can see that you can’t judge them from an adult perspective, because they were a child. You can recognise that the thoughts the child had are based on the child’s limited understanding of the world. As an adult you can give a different interpretation to the situation and not judge the child for what happened.
NOW YOU UNDERSTAND YOU CAN COMFORT
The natural thing to do now is the offer comfort to that small child. You are the adult looking back at an incident in your childhood. You can recognise that truth of the situation and that the child needed an adult to offer support and love.
You are the adult. It is time for you to comfort the child.
So offer them words of love and support.
“My darling that was so scary.”
“you were so confused.”
“it’s okay now. I am here. I’ve got this.”
THERE ARE MANY WAYS YOU CAN CALM YOURSELF
Comforting yourself as I described above is a really great way to calm yourself.
Mediation can really help to. Guided ones are great ways to start.
Learning Mindfulness is important to help you be able to recognise what is going on in your body. You can also meditate using Mindfulness. At the end of this post I have a link to sign up for my newsletter. Signing up gives you access to a quick mindfulness meditation you may like to try.
You can also try painting. I don’t mean painting some masterpiece. I just mean putting your feelings on to paper. You can swirl paint around. You can paint lines, dots, circles, squiggles, cover the page with paint, mix it all together into a muddy clump. You can use your fingers. Just allow yourself to put on the page what you need to let go of. Remember, if you feel like painting figures, stick figures are fantastic.
Journalling can be another outlet as well.
EXERCISE AND FUN ARE IMPORTANT TOO
You may find taking a walk calming, especially if you walk amongst the trees or on a beach.
Swimming, any form of exercise, yoga, stretches. There are myriad ways you can move.
Remember the importance of just having fun. Laughing with friends or family, throwing a ball around, trying to ride a unicycle!, anything that is fun. Just being able to forget your worries and responsibilities and have fun with others.
WATCHING YOUR DIET
Making sure you eat foods low in sugar is important. As is avoiding too many take aways. Add lots of vegetables into your diet. The healthier your diet, the better you feel.
Restricting sugary drinks and not drinking excessive amounts of alcohol are also helpful.
When your body is trying to cope with excess amount of sugar, too much alcohol for your liver to comfortably process and foods that your body struggles to process and dispose of the waste from, you will not feel well.
Increasingly research is demonstrating a link between your bowel and your brain. The quality of your diet has a massive impact on how you are feeling emotionally.
HOW COUNSELLING CAN HELP
When things in your life have been overwhelming and leave you struggling, it can be hard to recover without specialised help.
Seeing a counsellor specialised in treating these difficulties, which are all referred to as trauma, is important. Do check that the person you want to see is trained in treating trauma. You can’t just repeat sentences every day and hope the trauma can go away.
You don’t have faulty schemas in your head that need correcting. You have painful memories that need to be allowed to be expressed and healed. This does not mean you have to revisit painful memories, just that you need to be able to access the memories stored in your body and release them.
A properly trained counsellor can help you to learn how to calm yourself and feel safe.
When you are able to feel safe you can then learn how to safely heal those difficult memories.
BLUE KNOT FOUNDATION
The Blue Knot Foundation in Australia is the peak body on childhood trauma and runs training for mental health practitioners. Their training and the practice guidelines they have written are internationally renowned.
I have completed many years of Blue Knot Training and follow their practice guidelines in my work.
CAN I HELP?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
So many people come to see me come after the death of their abuser.
They feel anger at the way this person was spoken about at the funeral.
That can be really hard. It can feel very disempowering, as though your voice is silenced and your experience doesn’t matter.
There seems to be a reluctance to be honest about people at their funerals. At some funerals I have attended it would seem the person who died was a saint when I knew they weren’t.
ABUSERS CAN PRESENT AS LOVELY TO OTHER PEOPLE
It is a sad fact of life that the person who abused you, who was awful to you, may well have been charming and seemingly wonderful to others.
So often you can feel you aren’t able to speak up about the way your abuser treated you in life.
I can relate to that. I sat through my mother’s funeral wondering if I was at the right funeral. The person being described was not the person I knew. It was not the abuser I knew.
HOW DO I MOVE FORWARD?
In learning to live after my mother’s death I had to accept that to other people she probably was a wonderful person.
Her inability to be a loving, caring supportive mother. Her inability to protect me from my abusive father. Her inability to attune to me or love me. These were all things that existed in the relationship she formed with me. They did not exist in the relationship she had with other people, even my siblings.
It can be hard to speak up at your abuser’s funeral. You may find you are removed from the funeral if you speak up. Or you may find others refute what you have said. Or you may not yet feel empowered enough to speak up.
Sometimes you need to find other ways to express what you want to say.
SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH
When I spoke to a counsellor I was able to tell her the things I wanted to say at my mother’s funeral but couldn’t. In counselling I often act as the witness to the story people want to tell about their past. And that is one way you can express what you want to say.
I wrote a letter to my siblings about my experience with my mother and they totally rejected it. Some people do the same thing and it is helpful. But it is important to bear in mind that others may not be willing to accept your story and may reject it.
I have had conversations with my mother, imagining she is standing in front of me, telling her how angry and hurt I was at her behaviour. I found that helpful. Others report the same experience. Again it can be helpful to have that conversation in a counselling session where it can be witnessed. I often guide people through doing this and then assist with letting the words go.
Another approach is to write a letter to your abuser, telling them everything you want to say to them. After writing the letter you can post it. Alternatively you can tear the letter up. Another approach is to burn the letter. I burned the letter I wrote to my mother.
Other people like to hold small ceremonies to express what they need to say about their abuser and letting them go.
Drawing or painting can be a way to let go of that person and express what you need to about them. Again I painted my feelings towards my mother and then burned what I had painted.
WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO EXPRESS YOUR TRUTH
It is important to express what you need to express to your abuser. This allows you to move on in life and live without their energy impacting on you. You deserve to be free.
WHERE YOU CAN GO FOR HELP
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with speaking your truth about your abuser and living a life free of their energy, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
One of the biggest problems encountered in life is the things that happen to interrupt the smooth path through life.
The job you don’t get, the “no” you get when you want to do something really important to you, the friend you fall out with, the family member who hurts you.
All these things, and more, can really upset your equilibrium.
WHEN PROBLEMS HAPPEN IN LIFE TO BLOCK YOU
The reaction that usually happens is to be upset and to protest.
Protest is something that is seen all the time.
The person who acts out with road rage, the person who gets angry at delays in a queue, your upset and howls of protest when something happens to you.
It is natural when something happens to block your forward progression in life to protest, to push against what has happened. Then to keep going forward in the same direction.
But that is not always helpful.
And it does not resolve the hurt at what has happened.
THERE ARE TWO CHOICES WITH LIFE’S BLOCKAGES
When obstructions come, there are two choices. It may not seem that way, because you most likely saw others use only one way, were taught only one way, when you were growing up.
You can protest, sure.
But you can also transform the situation.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PROTEST
If you protest you push back against the situation. Then you ignore it and keep going on the same path.
And you carry the hurt and anger at the obstruction. It rankles and the situation is rarely resolved satisfactorily.
And next time you protest even more.
It is hard if you have had a lot of hurt in your life. Unfair things happening in your childhood. Hurts that were never acknowledged.
It all hurts.
And you protest and want something better.
AN EXPERIMENT TO TRY
I want you to try something now.
I want you to put your hands together and push them hard together. Take your time. Push hard and spend time observing what sensations you are noticing in your body.
What does it feel like in your body?
Now push hard against the wall. Again take your time. Push hard. Spend time observing the sensations in your body.
What does that feel like in your body?
Now stop.
NOW TRY ANOTHER EXPERIMENT
I want you to reach out for something that is just beyond your reach, so you have to reach, really stretch yourself out.
Take your time. Reach, stretch out. Spend time observing the sensations in your body.
What does that feel like in your body?
WHAT EXPERIMENTERS REPORT EXPERIENCING
Most people will report that pushing against their hands or the wall feels like they are closing in on themself. Shutting themselves off.
Most people will then report that reaching out to grab something just out of reach feels like opening up.
WHAT PROTEST FEELS LIKE
Pushing your hands together or the wall away from you is what happens when you protest.
It closes you up. Restricts you. Feels awful.
WHAT THE ALTERNATIVE FEELS LIKE
Reaching out is what happens when you seek transformation.
It opens you up. Feels freeing. Opens your mind to possibilities.
TWO CHOICES
When a problem presents itself you can choose to protest. To feel the unfairness of what is happening. To fight it. To close yourself up and push through.
Or you can choose to stop and explore what is happening for you inside.
What thoughts are you experiencing?
What emotions are you feeling?
What sensations can you notice in your body?
Those three questions will help you to truly explore what is happening.
WHAT IS THE PROTEST REALLY ABOUT?
You may be surprised at the experience.
Some people have told me that when they explore their thoughts, feelings and body sensations they are surprised to observe they are feeling relief.
Others observe pain, but find that if they are curious and stop fighting the feelings they can find a solution. This does not necessarily resolve the problem, but it does allow them to discover a way to transform the situation.
Others realise the anger they feel is not about the current situation but something that happened in childhood
WHAT IS THE ALTERNATIVE TO PROTEST?
What is the alternative when you want to protest?
It is so surrender to these feelings. It is to reach out and feel the opening up of your body and mind. It allows you to transform the situation into something that you can grow from. It allows you to understand the past hurts that impact on the current situation and maybe be able to untangle some of that old pain.
It also reduces your pain. Once you surrender to something, although it may still hurt, it will hurt less then if you protest and remain closed.
THE 3 STEPS
So the next time you encounter a difficulty in life, choose transformation. In order to transform the situation try this:
Stop and allow yourself to just be with what has happened.
Allow yourself to explore what you are thinking, feeling, and the sensations in your body. Address the thoughts that come up. Allow yourself compassion when old hurts are uncovered. You may find yourself surprised at the emotions you are feeling. You may recognise some of those body sensations again. They are vital clues to warn your when things are getting overwhelming and you may need time to calm yourself.
Surrender to what is happening. Reach out to it. Pull towards it. Allow yourself to be open to new possibilities.
You won’t always be able to do this. There are times when things are so disruptive you need recovery time, but it will allow you to process many things. And with practice, you will be able to transform more and more disruptive things.
NEED HELP?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you transform the big problems in your life, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Families are never completely harmonious. They are comprised of people, bound together by genetic and marital ties, who often are not free to discuss conflicts as openly as is healthy. There are often undercurrents of tension and unresolved hurts in any family interactions.
Add a family Christmas, with all the stresses that “perfect” day brings. Add to the mix some freeing alcohol. Add to the mix the proximity with people who have caused those tensions and unresolved hurts.
Mix these ingredients and you have an explosive mix.
You can try to avoid difficult topics, but inevitably something will come up, particularly if you have the mix listed above.
Below are 8 steps you can use to survive the family Christmas. 8 steps to help you keep away from the difficult topics you may not be ready to discuss in a large family gathering.
PREPARE FOR THE DAY.
Are you expecting challenging topics of conversation? Plan in advance how to manage and deescalate these potential ignition points. a) PLAN TO SET BOUNDARIES
You can set boundaries by letting family members know what areas are contentious and that you want avoided. You can practice how you will set this boundary in a positive, affirming way.
Maybe you might say something like: “I love seeing you and our time together is really great. There are just some things that we disagree on and maybe we can avoid discussing them today so that we can enjoy our time together.”
b) PREPARE AHEAD
Before you meet up, think about happy things you and this family member/s have in common. Are there happy childhood memories you can share, do you have the same interests? Brainstorm ideas of topics of conversation so you are ready to have a conversation. When you have no topic to discuss, conversations tend to follow well worn paths. If those well worn paths are the contentious ones, then that is what you are going to end up having a conversation about.
REDIRECT THE CONVERSATION.
Preparing ahead safe topics to discuss will allow you to quickly redirect the conversation to a safer topic that is related to the contentious topic. It is easier to pivot if the topic is related somehow, so if someone brings up a humiliating episode when you were a child and were swimming, you may bring in a conversation about wonderful beaches to visit and direct people to that topic. In that situation, the chances are that others in the conversation are not happy to bring up the humiliating episode either and will welcome the change to change the topic.
REHEARSE WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY.
When you are under stress, you will tend to do what is habitual. So well used responses to others will tend to be used. This will quickly derail your intention to steer away from the uncomfortable conversations. So practise what you will say. Have imaginary conversations where the other person says something they usually say, or makes a comment about a situation they usually comment on. Imagine redirecting the conversation away from that contentious comment and what you will say. While you are doing this, imagine being relaxed and able to deflect any triggers in their words. Imagine calmly setting a boundary, or redirecting the conversation, or making a statement.
While you are imagining this conversation, practice taking calming breaths and imagine you are releasing all the tension and it is flying away as you breathe out. As you breathe in, imagine you are breathing in peace and calm.
If you have a family member who makes highly politicised comments, or makes racist comments, or expresses strong extremist viewpoints, practice a statement that acknowledges their opinion but indicates it is not up for discussion. The well tried response to this is to “agree to disagree” and have no more conversation around that.
Sometimes these statements are deliberate attempts to bait you into responding. Don’t. Set the boundary and try to change the topic of conversation. If the person still persists, walk away. Take a walk around the block if you need to calm down. Just remain calm until you are somewhere where it is safe for you to be upset. More on that later.
BRING OUT THE OLD HAPPY MEMORIES.
This is another redirecting technique. Bringing out a positive family story involving a happy memory. The more family members involved in this memory the better. If you start off saying “Remember when xxx” you are inviting others to add their recollections of the memory. Not only is that fun to share in happy reminiscences, it also shuts down anyone negative due to the weight of people participating in a new conversation.
Remember, a family member who is difficult for you to get along with, may also be difficult for others to get along with. Other family members may welcome your efforts to redirect the conversation and be more than happy to jump in with enthusiasm. After all, everyone wants to have a lovely day.
FOCUS ON FUN FAMILY TRADITIONS.
There will no doubt be things your family enjoy doing together on family occasions. There are families that love to gather around the piano and sing Christmas carols. Others love to play games. Others have a post Christmas lunch walk.
If your family has traditions then make sure they are carried out. If they don’t have any, then introduce some new things you think family members will be interested in. Prepare the ground for this. Talk about this “fun” idea with family members you think will be useful allies in this so that when you introduce the idea it will be supported by other people. These traditions are a great way to distract from unpleasant conversations.
PRACTICE GRATITUDE.
In the lead up to Christmas, think of at least 10 things to be grateful for each day. Write them down and say them out loud, followed by three thank yous. Slowly introduce gratitudes for family members.
Don’t force the jolliness. Find things you are genuinely grateful for. They may range from extraordinary things to the seemingly mundane such as your health, your home, your job and so on.
Each day add gratitudes for family members. Start with the ones you love seeing. As you get close to Christmas think about the ones that cause you grief. Is there anything about them you like? Anything about them you admire? Try to find something to be grateful for about them. One might be that they are diligent about attending the family Christmas every year. Another might be they help with the washing up. Another might be they love their car. Find something to be grateful for.
Finding positives help you to feel more empowered and more in control of those difficult situations. It also helps to see the main protagonists as people with less power than you thought they had.
FIND ALLIES.
Think about who will be at the Christmas event and identify those you find supportive. They may be the type who will speak up and support you at the time of the difficulty, or they may be someone you can speak to later to help you calm down.
It is easier to manage in stressful situations when you know you have support.
PRACTICE CALMING TECHNIQUES.
One of the easiest ways to calm down is breathing. It is best to practice this technique in advance so that it is second nature when you need it. If you try this for the first time when you need it, it is unlikely to work effectively.
a) MINDFUL BREATHING
The best way to practice is to start small.
• Set a reminder on your phone for every hour if possible.
• Now prepare to breathe for 1 minute.
• Set a timer for 1 minute.
• Sit quietly with your hands resting in your lap.
• You may choose to let your focus slip or you may choose to close your eyes.
• Now breathe in while noticing the feeling of the air entering your nose and your chest and tummy rising with the in breath.
• Now breathe out while notice the feeling of your chest and tummy falling and the feeling of the air passing through your nose.
• With the next in breath, imagine you are inhaling calming air. Imagine it is a beautiful calming colour such as blue or green, whatever your find calming. See that coloured air entering your nose and lungs.
• Now breathe out all the tension and difficult emotions. Imagine the air you breathe out is the colour of tension and difficult emotions such as red, whatever you find expresses what you are feeling.
• Continue breathing in calm and breathing out tension. You can say to yourself I am breathing in calm on the in breath. And you can say I am breathing out tension/anger (name emotion) on the out breath.
• If you notice your mind wander away from noticing your breath just return your attention to your breath without judging yourself.
• Continue until 1 minute is up. Notice how you are feeling calmer and more in control of your emotions.
If you practice your 1 minute mediation as often as you can you may consider the next day practising for 5 minutes sometimes and 1 minute at others.
Practice as often as you can. When you need this calming at the Christmas event you will find it easier to slip into the practice if you have taken the time to practice in advance.
You can use mindful breathing sitting or moving around. Many people practice as they are walking. This is something you might try if you need to get some space away from the difficult people.
b) RELEASING WALK
The walk works like this:
• Don’t rush to push the emotions you feel away. Allow yourself to feel them, name them and walk them out. Stamp if you need to, walk fast if you need to. Swing your arms around. Whatever allows you to release what you are feeling.
• Once you have allowed yourself that time and you have acknowledged and released the emotions you can then walk at a calmer pace at your speed.
• Notice what is around you. What can you see, hear, smell, touch or taste?
• Take a deep in breath. Notice the sensation of that breath entering your body as you walk.
• Release that breath and notice the sensation of it leaving your body as you walk.
• Continue breathing and paying attention to your breath.
• Remember to breathe in calm and breathe out stress, anger and/or other distressing emotions you are experiencing.
• As you notice yourself feeling calmer, you can start paying attention to the beauty around you.
• Remember to just return your attention to your breath if your mind starts to wander.
• As you settle into this calming routine, allow yourself to feel your feet on the ground. Feel the ground supporting you are you walk.
• Allow yourself to feel the air around you. Feel the air wrapping you in its loving embrace.
• Continue walking, feeling the calm and feeling the support that surrounds you.
• When you are ready you can return to the gathering.
• You may decide to stay there, you may decide to communicate boundaries, you may decide to leave. Do whatever feels right for you.
MAKE OTHER ARRANGEMENTS
If you feel that it is too distressing to attend the family Christmas, make other arrangements.
Maybe you would like to attend a community lunch.
Maybe you know other people who are on their own at Christmas. Perhaps you can get together to celebrate.
Maybe you would like the day alone with some lovely food and a stack of movies/games/books you would love to watch.
You may even find other family members don’t like the event and would be happy to do something with you instead.
A FINAL WORD
You have prepared yourself for the family Christmas and it is still difficult. Be okay with that. Don’t forget your strategies. Set realistic expectations of how people will be and prepare for this.
Do take the time to take some calming breaths before responding to other people. It can help to name what you are feeling. This allows you to cope better. It also allows you space to decide to not react to this person. It is in this moment you may choose to walk away, or calmly say their comment is inappropriate, or not funny, or unacceptable or anything else.
People can get to you with their behaviour and comments because you have unresolved hurts. After Christmas, review the family Christmas. What came up for you? Is there something you need to resolve. Counselling can be really helpful to explore and resolve old hurts. You can also learn helpful strategies to cope.
WHERE TO GET HELP
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your unresolved hurts, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
PLEASE NOTE PLENTIFUL LIFE COUNSELLING WILL BE CLOSED FROM 5PM 21 DECEMBER 2022 AND WILL RE OPEN AT 9AM ON 9 JANUARY 2023.
We all know the pressure to have the perfect Christmas. There is also the pressure to buy presents, to prepare food, to clean the house if you are hosting anyone for Christmas, or to travel away from home with all its associated stress if you are visiting for Christmas.
It is well accepted that Christmas can be a stressful time.
It is also accepted that getting together with family can be stressful as well.
Another stressful aspect of Christmas is the sheer volume of Christmas parties you may be invited to. You may receive more invitations than you feel comfortable accepting, yet you do accept them because you don’t want to let anyone down, or disappoint them.
All this stress can be overwhelming and make Christmas a less than enjoyable time for you.
Many people learn early in life to please other people. Maybe you are a people pleaser.
You may have learned to do this in your childhood home. It may have been a matter of survival. You may have learned to do this to make friends at school, or protect yourself from bullies. You may have learned to do it due to being in an abusive relationship. You may have learned to do it because you didn’t believe people would like you if you said no.
Whatever the reason, it can be a problem at Christmas.
It can be a problem when you feel you have to accept every invitation to attend a Christmas Party, even when you feel overwhelmed with busyness.
It can be a problem when you see family members at Christmas and you fear the expectations they have that you will go alone with anything they suggest.
Of course, you won’t only be a people pleaser at Christmas. It is just that it seems to be a time when you are called on more to people please and your stress levels are already high.
What do you do about it?
It is worthwhile considering how much of a problem this is.
To determine the extent of the problem it is helpful to understand the impact people pleasing can have on you.
• It can increase your stress
• It can lead to you feeling depressed
• You can feel resentful
• You can feel angry
• You can push yourself to the point of exhaustion which can impact your physical health
• It can lead to you now enjoying Christmas time at all
• It can cause you to neglect your self care
• It can harm your relationships
SO WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT IT?
We all say yes to things on occasion that we may not want to do. That is a choice we make in accommodating other people.
But if you say yes all the time, even when you don’t want to, then you do need to do something about it.
People pleasing, or fawning, is a stress response. It is part of the responses our brain activates when we are in danger.
The most well know of those responses are Fight and Flight. People pleasing, or fawning, is part of this group of defence mechanisms. When you fawn, you seek to accommodate the needs of others to the point where you don’t meet your own needs.
You may find you are not able to tell others how you really feel about something.
You may put the needs of others ahead of your own. A good example of that is saying yes to a Christmas party invitation when you are exhausted and really need to rest.
You may say yes to every request made of you.
You may seek to flatter others.
You may have low self esteem.
You will probably go to great lengths to avoid conflict
You may feel you are taken advantage of and that may really irritate you.
You may worry about fitting in with others and be frightened of having an argument with another person.
THE HIDDEN COSTS OF BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER
Because you always put your needs last, you are more vulnerable to emotional abuse and being exploited by others. You are also more vulnerable to abusive relationships.
At Christmas, being a people pleaser can lead to high levels of stress and you finding this time of year anything but relaxing.
SOME BANDAID MEASURES TO TRY
Feeling safe enough not to people please is a slow process. There are some things you can try in the interim. How effective they are will depend on how safe you feel, but you will only know when you try.
It is helpful to enlist the support of someone else who can be there and give you encouragement, give you some time out and be a listening ear when you need it.
THIS IS IMPORTANT TO KNOW
You need to know these important things:
• You deserve to be able to do what you want
• You deserve to be here and to take up space
• You are enough, just as you are
• Your thoughts, feelings, opinions and boundaries matter
• Most of the time when you say no you will survive.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN “MOST OF THE TIME”?
I would never recommend you stand up to a violent abuser or a coercive controller. That is dangerous. If you are in those situations it is best to contact 1800 RESPECT for assistance.
Apart from that it is okay to say no.
WHAT ARE THE BANDAID MEASURES?
The main measures to take are to be able to say “no”.
Your friend asks you to come to her party. You don’t want to go. You are worried about disappointing her by saying no.
STOP
You deserve to be able to do what you want.
You take a deep breath and say “no, I can’t come”. You may like to add a thankyou for your invitation.
It is important to remember that you don’t have to explain why you are saying no. Your no is no and that is good enough.
ANOTHER EXAMPLE
You arrive at your Aunt’s house for the extended family get together. She is a very organised and determined woman, used to give you orders and expecting you to jump to obey them.
You have drive 2 hours through heavy traffic to get there and you are tired, frazzled and need to destress for a while.
She jumps in with an order to prepare something in the kitchen. I might add at this point that everyone has brought food to contribute to the family feast so there is nothing to prepare in the kitchen.
You don’t want to. You need to sit for a while and see the rest of the family.
You have enlisted your partner to support you.
You say “no”. it is probably a good idea to add “when it is time to put the food out I can help you for a short while”.
She may be stunned you said no. She may try to shame you into helping. She may want to argue. If you can , walk away. If need be you may need to tell her that you need to destress after the drive and want to catch up with family members. You may ask if she has caught up with family members and suggest you can do that together.
Your partner can also support you by steering you away from your aunt, or, if necessary, stepping in to enforce the boundary.
HOW DO I LEARN TO SET BOUNDARIES
I have already mentioned that people pleasing is a survival response. It is learned because of traumatic situations.
When you have trauma in your past, you often find it hard to feel safe and manage your emotions, which are often very strong. You will frequently feel unsafe and that is something that you can heal from slowly with the correct treatment.
In Australia the Blue Knot Foundation has well respected trauma treatment guidelines that are effective in healing. It is wise to seek out a therapist who adheres to these guidelines.
WHERE CAN I FIND A THERAPIST?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your people pleasing, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
1 Your life is yours alone to live. No one else can live it and no one else totally understands what you are experiencing. They may have some understanding but never total.
2. You are not designed to live your life alone.
3. Loving others means you will encounter loss and grief in your lifetime.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
In your life you will experience grief. No one else will totally understand what you are experiencing, although some may make an effort to listen to you.
Others will tell you they “know exactly what you are feeling” (which they don’t).
Others will expect you to “be over it already”.
You may feel pressured by past experiences of grief to be over it. Maybe you have even told others the same thing. Now you are on the receiving end and learning fast the reality of grief.
THE REALITY OF GRIEF IS OFTEN PRETTY AWFUL
Experiencing grief brings with it many paradoxes. One is that you need the support of others, but you don’t want to mix with others.
The thought of having to explain yourself to others is overwhelming.
The thought of others not listening to you or trying to shut down your grief is daunting.
Add to that the fact that it is exhausting having to interact with others while dealing with such a difficult time.
BEING ALONE
You are very likely to want to be alone.
Being alone is okay. We all need alone time to reset and recharge. Alone time allows you to process things you are feeling. It allows you to be able to cope with the demands of interacting with other people.
There is alone time and there is social time. There is the support of others and there is time to process alone.
In the early days of your grief you may well want to be alone. That is okay. There are a number of overwhelming emotions to deal with. You need time to reflect. You also need time to grieve. To honour the emotions.
ANOTHER PARADOX.
Alone time is important.
But too much alone time is harmful.
Initially you may want to be alone, or you may want to be surrounded by people.
Sooner of later you will find yourself preferring alone time.
People will tell you that you shouldn’t be alone and will put pressure on you to go out more.
Only you can know what is right for you.
It is okay to go out and enjoy yourself without your loved one. It is also okay to stay at home and continue to process their loss.
My general rule of thumb is to make a decision to go out occasionally but also to make a decision to allow yourself to stay home occasionally as well.
IT IS ALWAYS HELPFUL TO HAVE SUPPORT WHEN YOU ARE GRIEVING
Having someone to bounce ideas off, to help you on those days when you can’t get it together, to give you hugs when you need them, to allow you to cry when you want to, is really helpful when you are grieving.
If you feel you are not grieving “properly” then it is helpful to seek a grief trained counsellor. I see a lot of people who make the appointment to see me because they believe they are not grieving properly. In most cases, they are grieving in a completely healthy way.
If you are concerned it is helpful to seek counselling.
If you feel you don’t have support and you really need it, it is helpful to seek counselling.
If you see me I can help you explore what is right for you and to feel more secure about what feels right for you at this stage in your life.
HOW TO CONTACT ME FOR HELP
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
It refers to the parts of yourself that you don’t like and don’t show the world. The part you believe is bad.
Or that is what you have been taught to believe about your shadow self.
WHAT IS THE TRUE SHADOW SELF THEN?
When you are a small child, you learn how to live in the world of your family and wider society.
You are told what you should and shouldn’t do by your parents.
If your parents both work, you will be cared for by other people and you will be told what you should and shouldn’t do by those carers.
The web of people who influence your perception of self in your early years can be quite extensive … and destructive to self.
You will be praised when you do what others perceive as good and punished for what they perceive as being bad. But what you are doing is not necessarily good or bad. It is just what the person caring for you thinks is good or bad.
THE LITTLE GIRL AND THE HARRIED TEACHER
An example is a little girl I once saw who came to school bursting with excitement because she had learned to count to 20 over the weekend. This little 5 year old had just started school and was learning basic numbers. She was excited at that achievement. So she told her teacher.
The teacher was doing something else at the time, which the little girl did not have the developmental maturity to realise. To the little girl’s horror, the teacher reacted by slapping her leg and telling her to be quiet (I might add this occurred a few decades ago). What she had perceived as being something exciting to tell others about had become something shameful.
She never told anyone about her accomplishments again. She consigned that beautiful curiosity and zest for learning to her shadow as unacceptable and kept quiet about what she knew.
CHILDREN HIDE WHAT THEY BELIEVE IS UNACCEPTABLE.
Children will hide away what they believe is unacceptable.
But what they are doing is not necessarily bad, it is just not what the adult in their life wants.
It may be an inconvenient time, as with the teacher.
It may be the child is exhibiting strengths the adult is jealous of, so the adult shuts them down. Yes, it does happen … a lot.
It may be the adult was shamed about similar behaviour when a child and shuts the child down out of fear they will be shamed.
As an adult you may be able to recognise the motives of others, or put their behaviour down to them being wrong. But a child doesn’t have the knowledge of life to be able to do that. The child hides the parts because they believe they are unacceptable. Then they forget about them.
WHAT YOU HIDE TRIES TO UNHIDE
These hidden parts often reveal themselves later in life when you find yourself admiring things others do. You admire what you have in yourself that you have forgotten. Your admiration is longing for the part you hid. It is the call by your subconscious of that part to come out of hiding.
THE GOLDEN SIDE OF YOUR SHADOW
Other strengths develop due to early traumas. A lot of people don’t realise that they survived because of strengths they possessed or developed.
It is worth noting that hiding your strengths because you are told they are bad causes you to doubt yourself. This causes you to question everything you do. Often, uncovering your golden shadow and reclaiming those strengths you hid is an important empowering step to take.
It is important to be proud of your shadow side. It is said that your shadow is where your healing and pain meet the gifts you have to offer others. Pretty powerful stuff. Embrace it and be proud.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU CONTINUE TO SUPPRESS YOUR GOLDEN SHADOW?
When you suppress your golden shadow, either deliberately or subconsciously, you will find your life full of problems, anxiety, depression, addictions, illnesses and perceived failures. You may not realise it, but your subconscious knows you are not living life true to yourself and it doesn’t like it.
4 WAYS TO DISCOVER YOUR GOLDEN SHADOW
Notice where you feel envious of the abilities and qualities other people possess. You envy most the things you see in others that you yourself possess but have repressed.
What do you admire and idolise most in others? You admire most in others what you yourself possess. There is great creative potential here for you to be guided by that understanding to uncover your own abilities. When you admire others you are admiring the disowned aspects of your own unique potential.
Insecurities and feelings of unworthiness are another guide to your abilities. Did you know that not knowing your power creates insecurity. The parts where you feel the most wounded or where you feel something is wrong with you are indicators of your greatest abilities. When you have hidden a strength because you felt it was wrong you feel insecure. Insecurity creates a sense of unworthiness and emptiness. If you know your strengths you will have the space of gratitude for your own talents and to live in that strength. Then you will be able to reduce your self-doubt.
Flip the script on your perceived faults. If you re-examine your beliefs about what is good and bad you may reveal strengths that have been disguising themselves as burdens. Look at your dark side and seek the treasures there instead of seeing that side as being negative and bad. Examples are to see introversion as a positive instead of a negative thing that holds you back. Another is to see what others tell you is laziness as the wonderful ability to relax. If you look at the opposites you will realise there is always more than one side to everything. Explore this and seek the positive.
HOW CAN I RELEASE MY GOLDEN SHADOW?
Your subconscious may hide your golden shadow, but it also tries to alert you to its presence. Work on healing the wounds of your past. Decide to choose strength over weakness, love over fear and inspiration over depression. Embrace your golden shadow. You will find a lot of your problems no longer exist.
Instead you will find you develop confidence, self-love, inner beauty, creativity and gratitude. All these contribute to you making positive choices in your life.
THERE WILL ALWAYS BE PEOPLE WHO WILL BE JEALOUS BUT KEEP GOING – YOU HAVE THE POWER
As you embark on your own healing journey, be aware that there are always people in life who will feel threatened by your aliveness and try to damp it down or destroy it. It happened when you were a small child and it can happen now in adulthood. Just be aware of this and don’t fall for the destructive attempts of others. Hold your power and stand firm in it.
You may find being your true self is unfamiliar and frightening. After all, you have lived a different way so far in life. You learned early that fitting in was the safest thing to do. But fitting in is what brought you safety as a child when you needed to be looked after. You are an adult now. You can look after yourself.
Step out in your own true self and your own power. This may make your vulnerable to the reactions of others who feel threatened by your abilities. Do not expect approval for your glorious traits from such people. Look instead to other golden people who will appreciate your golden gifts. In other words, find your tribe.
BE YOUR OWN CHEER SQUAD
Choose to recognise, reclaim and express your great gifts and be delighted in yourself. Hang in there. There are people out there who will appreciate what you have to give.
Enlist the creativity and support of your own imagination. It is a great healer, so make the most of yours.
No matter what you have been told in life, you do have an imagination. Use it.
ALLOW YOUR IMAGINATION TO RESTRUCTURE PAST HURTFUL EVENTS
In your imagination go back to those past incidents when things did not go well and you suppressed those positive traits and were made to feel weak, small, unworthy and afraid. Imagine you making a different choice and run with it.
The magical thing about your mind is that the subconscious mind will not know if your imagining is reality or imagination.
Live those past traumatic events in the new power you are imagining you have. Say your piece, fight back, even call in allies (real or spiritual) to assist you.
Imaging bringing that spiritual strength you possess into those past traumatic times. Write them down, draw them, paint them, create them if that helps.
Believe you have redeemed those moments, because in your imagination you have. Allow the power you display in your imagination to shine and let your body be run by that power. Now let your golden shadow shine bright.
THE PATH IS ROCKY BUT WORTH IT
Note that entering your shadow side can be difficult. You first need to go down into those dark things you think you should hide. But exploring those and choosing to see them from a different perspective will reveal your golden shadow. Once you unleash that, you will discover so much more that you hid. This is an ongoing process, not a once only thing. Keep searching. Discover your true golden strengths.
NEED HELP? I CAN HELP YOU
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with discovering your Golden Side and healing, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Do you feel guilty because you are not thinking of your loved one enough?
Do you worry that you mustn’t have loved them enough because there are moments when you don’t think of them and actually feel momentarily happy?
Do you think you should have done more to keep them alive?
MY QUESTIONS TO YOU
If you think it is ridiculous to feel that way that is fantastic.
But if you find yourself feeling that way I acknowledge how hard that is.
And I am asking you some questions.
I am not asking as throw away lines to suggest you should have a different belief. I am asking them because I am genuinely curious to know your thoughts.
Is it okay to never be happy again?
Is it okay to only ever think of your loved one?
Is it okay to live while they have died?
SO MANY PEOPLE FEEL THIS WAY
It is not uncommon to feel this way when your loved one dies.
It feels profane to be enjoying life when someone you loved so much is not able to be alive at all.
At first, your thoughts may frequently turn to the pain of your loved one’s absence in your life.
Any thoughts of happiness are unlikely to invade that pain. But what if they do?
Are you okay laughing at something you probably laughed at before your loved one died? Something you may have laughed at together?
IS PAIN AND HAPPINESS AT THE SAME TIME POSSIBLE?
Can you feel the pain at the same time as you feel happiness?
Researchers have found that people can and do find a way to feel happy again. That they can actually think about other things and just think of their loved one occasionally. That they can be okay living.
But researchers have also found that the happiness exists alongside the sorrow of the person’s loss. The bitter sweet and sometimes downright devastating feelings can exist alongside happiness and joy.
ARE YOU SICK OF BEING SAD AND CRYING?
Many people come to see me because they are sick of feeling sad and crying. They loved their loved one and still miss them terribly, even years later. But they are just sick of the darkness of their grief and they long for the sun.
Maybe you feel that way too?
Maybe you just want to be happy again.
REALITY
I will tell you what I tell others. Yes, it is possible to be happy again and yes you will not always cry this much. But you will always feel sad over the loss of your loved one and you will still cry on occasion.
Sorrow will always be with you. Sorrow at the absence of someone you loved so much from your life. Sorrow at the future they (and you) lost. Sorrow at all the things you will experience without them. Sorrow at the things you planned to do together that you will never do again. Sorrow at the people you no longer have contact with because your loved one was the link to them. Sorrow at so many losses associated with your loved one’s absence.
THE PAIN WILL NEVER COMPLETELY HEAL
Yes, the pain will abate over time, but it will never completely go. It is like that limp you have from a broken ankle that never completely healed. There will always be that reminder of what you had and lost.
And if you loved that person so much, do you really want the pain to completely go away? Do you really want to forget them?
IS LIFE WITH THAT PAIN POSSIBLE?
Can you live if the pain is always there?
People tell me they can live with that pain.
It is not pleasant, but they have found ways to feel it in a safer way.
They have learned to feel the bitter sweet memories of their loved one. And they have learned that sometimes it is okay to be sad, or cry.
They have also learned that it is possible to carry the pain while living and being happy.
Knowing they can do that has actually helped. It has helped to find a way to commemorate their loved one, but still live.
THE EXPANDING OF LIFE INTO A DEEPER RICHNESS
They have found that life has greater depth now. That life is richer and fuller for the added dimension of sorrow that, rather than make everything sad and depressing, actually enhances the happy moments, makes them more special and have deeper meaning. That they take the happy moments more attentively and with more gratitude because they have suffered the pain of loss and appreciate the happy moments that come.
But all this takes time, and determination.
CAN I HELP YOU?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
In it he discussed the terms mental illness and mental injury.
He spoke about the way we perceive accidents involving physical injury compared to accidents that involve mental impacts.
A PHYSICAL INJURY
He gave a scenario where you are walking down the street and someone runs up to you and slashes your arm. You are hurt and bleeding but you are not sick. Apart from the injury to your arm you are otherwise healthy. No one blames you for being slashed. After all, that is victim blaming, something we are increasingly aware of and seek to avoid doing.
COMPARE THIS TO A MENTAL INJURY
But someone who is suffering from a mental injury is not given the same respect. If you developed PTSD as a result of this random attack you would be described as being mentally ill. This implies that there is something wrong with you, rather than there being something wrong with the people around you or your environment. In the case of the slashed arm, something is wrong with the person who randomly decided to slash your arm.
Suddenly you are being victim blamed. But isn’t that something we try to avoid doing these days?
PHYSICAL INJURIES BUT MENTAL ILLNESS
If you have arthritis in your knee but are otherwise healthy, you just have arthritis in your knee.
If you have anxiety about social situations but are otherwise healthy, you are mentally ill.
Using the term mentally ill suggests there is something wrong with you as a person. The connotation drawn from that term is that you have something wrong with you and you are ill.
Why is there such a difference between physical ailments and psychological ailments?
WHAT COUNSELLOR’S STUDY IN THEIR BACHELOR DEGREES
Luke’s comments reminded me of the rationale behind the subjects I studied in my counselling degree. We not only studied counselling, but also psychology (to better understand behaviour) and sociology (to better understand the environment). We were always taught that we needed to understand the context of a person’s environment and the impact of the people around them to understand what was happening to them.
A HORRIBLE WAY FOR YOU TO BE TREATED
If you walk into my practice room and I just see you as mentally ill, then that implies I just see you as being wrong, at fault.
If I see you as being the cause of your suffering then I don’t look further than you. I pathologise your suffering. I look for dysfunction in you and set out to correct it.
THE WAY I TREAT YOU
But that is not what I do.
Instead, I see your suffering as the result of an injury that has resulted in a completely normal reaction to abnormal circumstances. Sometimes there is more than one injury. Sometimes the injury keeps happening again and again, or has in the past happened again and again.
I look at your environment, including the people in that environment. I look to see how that impacts on you and your suffering.
I believe every person who walks through my door is someone who has been injured as a result of abnormal circumstances. I see you as being a healthy individual who is coping as best you can with a wound.
Interestingly the Greek word for wound is trauma.
Makes sense doesn’t it.
NEED HELP WITH YOUR MENTAL INJURY?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your mental injury, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
