I am sure you have been in this type of situation. You are upset about something and talk to a friend about it. You are expecting them to listen and empathise with you. But they don’t. Listen. Or Empathise. They race to tell you about their day. Or they defend the person who has upset you. Or they make a joke about your pain. Or they change the subject.
In short, they shut you down. They remove your permission to be upset and be heard.
And maybe sometimes you do that too.
Why do they do that?
Why do you do that?
Discomfort.
WE HAVE MADE DISCOMFORT THE ENEMY
We live in a society, in a culture that is very left brained. In other words, very analytical, very logical, very shallow. Rarely are people allowed to explore the depths of who they are, why they do what they do, of the uncomfortable things that happen in life.
In our society discomfort is something to be feared. Something that we are not taught as children to manage. The only way we learn is to run away from discomfort and to shut other people down when they make us feel uncomfortable.
The result is you don’t feel comfortable feeling painful feelings and other people don’t feel comfortable hearing about them.
THE WAYS WE SHUT DOWN DISCOMFORT IN OURSELVES
Many people will rush to cover up uncomfortable feelings with addictive behaviours.
Alcohol, illicit drugs, prescription medications, gambling, buying things, eating, exercise, sex addiction, the list is endless.
Discomfort can be the person who feels awkward in social situations so drinks to suppress that discomfort.
It can be the person who smokes a cigarette to calm their feelings of overwhelm every time they have an argument with their partner.
It can be the person who struggles to cope with the end of a relationship and spends hundreds of dollars buying things they don’t need.
So there is a lot of discomfort in this world. Today I am talking about the discomfort that you feel uncomfortable with and leads you to shut yourself or others down when that discomfort is present.
DISCOMFORT IS YOUR ALLY
You may laugh at the idea that something that feels unpleasant can be an ally. But discomfort is. In order to grow and learn you have to be uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable to do something you have never done before. It challenges your competence as you do something that you may not be good at. As you struggle to complete a new task. There is a risk of failure and that is uncomfortable.
It is uncomfortable to learn something you never knew before. It challenges the way you understand the world, the way you understand the things you have learned. Now there is new information that challenges what you understand, and you have to remember it and understand it.
If you can’t sit with discomfort you will never learn anything new.
If you can’t sit with discomfort you will never try anything new.
LEARNING TO BE OKAY WITH DISCOMFORT
How do you manage discomfort?
You learn to stand and take a deep breath when you feel uncomfortable.
You learn to not run away, or rush to numb the feeling with addictive behaviour. You learn to not rush to fight or flight.
You try an experiment. You take a deep breath and allow the discomfort to be there.
You examine that discomfort with curiosity. And you discover that it is okay, that you can handle this.
As you sit, keeping your thinking brain on line, you are able to come up with a plan to respond to the challenge that has brough the discomfort to you. You learn how to act. You may not get it “right” first time, according to what you think you should do. But you will survive the discomfort. And in time you will learn that you can survive discomfort. And you will grow and learn. As you grow and learn you will come to welcome discomfort for the gifts of learning it brings.
CAN I HELP?
I have touched very lightly on discomfort. For many people discomfort is something they can learn to be okay with. But for others it is not that easy.
If you have had really difficult things happen in your past and you have not had the help you needed to process those things then discomfort can feel life threatening.
If you have been in that situation then seeing a counsellor who specialises in processing those past difficulties is helpful. You can make sense of what happened and understand it better. This can allow you to heal the pain of that event/s.
With the assistance of a counsellor, you can learn to sit with discomfort and allow yourself to be okay with the feelings. To know it is safe to feel discomfort.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to be okay with discomfort, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
So many people come to see me come after the death of their abuser.
They feel anger at the way this person was spoken about at the funeral.
That can be really hard. It can feel very disempowering, as though your voice is silenced and your experience doesn’t matter.
There seems to be a reluctance to be honest about people at their funerals. At some funerals I have attended it would seem the person who died was a saint when I knew they weren’t.
ABUSERS CAN PRESENT AS LOVELY TO OTHER PEOPLE
It is a sad fact of life that the person who abused you, who was awful to you, may well have been charming and seemingly wonderful to others.
So often you can feel you aren’t able to speak up about the way your abuser treated you in life.
I can relate to that. I sat through my mother’s funeral wondering if I was at the right funeral. The person being described was not the person I knew. It was not the abuser I knew.
HOW DO I MOVE FORWARD?
In learning to live after my mother’s death I had to accept that to other people she probably was a wonderful person.
Her inability to be a loving, caring supportive mother. Her inability to protect me from my abusive father. Her inability to attune to me or love me. These were all things that existed in the relationship she formed with me. They did not exist in the relationship she had with other people, even my siblings.
It can be hard to speak up at your abuser’s funeral. You may find you are removed from the funeral if you speak up. Or you may find others refute what you have said. Or you may not yet feel empowered enough to speak up.
Sometimes you need to find other ways to express what you want to say.
SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH
When I spoke to a counsellor I was able to tell her the things I wanted to say at my mother’s funeral but couldn’t. In counselling I often act as the witness to the story people want to tell about their past. And that is one way you can express what you want to say.
I wrote a letter to my siblings about my experience with my mother and they totally rejected it. Some people do the same thing and it is helpful. But it is important to bear in mind that others may not be willing to accept your story and may reject it.
I have had conversations with my mother, imagining she is standing in front of me, telling her how angry and hurt I was at her behaviour. I found that helpful. Others report the same experience. Again it can be helpful to have that conversation in a counselling session where it can be witnessed. I often guide people through doing this and then assist with letting the words go.
Another approach is to write a letter to your abuser, telling them everything you want to say to them. After writing the letter you can post it. Alternatively you can tear the letter up. Another approach is to burn the letter. I burned the letter I wrote to my mother.
Other people like to hold small ceremonies to express what they need to say about their abuser and letting them go.
Drawing or painting can be a way to let go of that person and express what you need to about them. Again I painted my feelings towards my mother and then burned what I had painted.
WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO EXPRESS YOUR TRUTH
It is important to express what you need to express to your abuser. This allows you to move on in life and live without their energy impacting on you. You deserve to be free.
WHERE YOU CAN GO FOR HELP
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with speaking your truth about your abuser and living a life free of their energy, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
One of the biggest problems encountered in life is the things that happen to interrupt the smooth path through life.
The job you don’t get, the “no” you get when you want to do something really important to you, the friend you fall out with, the family member who hurts you.
All these things, and more, can really upset your equilibrium.
WHEN PROBLEMS HAPPEN IN LIFE TO BLOCK YOU
The reaction that usually happens is to be upset and to protest.
Protest is something that is seen all the time.
The person who acts out with road rage, the person who gets angry at delays in a queue, your upset and howls of protest when something happens to you.
It is natural when something happens to block your forward progression in life to protest, to push against what has happened. Then to keep going forward in the same direction.
But that is not always helpful.
And it does not resolve the hurt at what has happened.
THERE ARE TWO CHOICES WITH LIFE’S BLOCKAGES
When obstructions come, there are two choices. It may not seem that way, because you most likely saw others use only one way, were taught only one way, when you were growing up.
You can protest, sure.
But you can also transform the situation.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PROTEST
If you protest you push back against the situation. Then you ignore it and keep going on the same path.
And you carry the hurt and anger at the obstruction. It rankles and the situation is rarely resolved satisfactorily.
And next time you protest even more.
It is hard if you have had a lot of hurt in your life. Unfair things happening in your childhood. Hurts that were never acknowledged.
It all hurts.
And you protest and want something better.
AN EXPERIMENT TO TRY
I want you to try something now.
I want you to put your hands together and push them hard together. Take your time. Push hard and spend time observing what sensations you are noticing in your body.
What does it feel like in your body?
Now push hard against the wall. Again take your time. Push hard. Spend time observing the sensations in your body.
What does that feel like in your body?
Now stop.
NOW TRY ANOTHER EXPERIMENT
I want you to reach out for something that is just beyond your reach, so you have to reach, really stretch yourself out.
Take your time. Reach, stretch out. Spend time observing the sensations in your body.
What does that feel like in your body?
WHAT EXPERIMENTERS REPORT EXPERIENCING
Most people will report that pushing against their hands or the wall feels like they are closing in on themself. Shutting themselves off.
Most people will then report that reaching out to grab something just out of reach feels like opening up.
WHAT PROTEST FEELS LIKE
Pushing your hands together or the wall away from you is what happens when you protest.
It closes you up. Restricts you. Feels awful.
WHAT THE ALTERNATIVE FEELS LIKE
Reaching out is what happens when you seek transformation.
It opens you up. Feels freeing. Opens your mind to possibilities.
TWO CHOICES
When a problem presents itself you can choose to protest. To feel the unfairness of what is happening. To fight it. To close yourself up and push through.
Or you can choose to stop and explore what is happening for you inside.
What thoughts are you experiencing?
What emotions are you feeling?
What sensations can you notice in your body?
Those three questions will help you to truly explore what is happening.
WHAT IS THE PROTEST REALLY ABOUT?
You may be surprised at the experience.
Some people have told me that when they explore their thoughts, feelings and body sensations they are surprised to observe they are feeling relief.
Others observe pain, but find that if they are curious and stop fighting the feelings they can find a solution. This does not necessarily resolve the problem, but it does allow them to discover a way to transform the situation.
Others realise the anger they feel is not about the current situation but something that happened in childhood
WHAT IS THE ALTERNATIVE TO PROTEST?
What is the alternative when you want to protest?
It is so surrender to these feelings. It is to reach out and feel the opening up of your body and mind. It allows you to transform the situation into something that you can grow from. It allows you to understand the past hurts that impact on the current situation and maybe be able to untangle some of that old pain.
It also reduces your pain. Once you surrender to something, although it may still hurt, it will hurt less then if you protest and remain closed.
THE 3 STEPS
So the next time you encounter a difficulty in life, choose transformation. In order to transform the situation try this:
Stop and allow yourself to just be with what has happened.
Allow yourself to explore what you are thinking, feeling, and the sensations in your body. Address the thoughts that come up. Allow yourself compassion when old hurts are uncovered. You may find yourself surprised at the emotions you are feeling. You may recognise some of those body sensations again. They are vital clues to warn your when things are getting overwhelming and you may need time to calm yourself.
Surrender to what is happening. Reach out to it. Pull towards it. Allow yourself to be open to new possibilities.
You won’t always be able to do this. There are times when things are so disruptive you need recovery time, but it will allow you to process many things. And with practice, you will be able to transform more and more disruptive things.
NEED HELP?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you transform the big problems in your life, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Families are never completely harmonious. They are comprised of people, bound together by genetic and marital ties, who often are not free to discuss conflicts as openly as is healthy. There are often undercurrents of tension and unresolved hurts in any family interactions.
Add a family Christmas, with all the stresses that “perfect” day brings. Add to the mix some freeing alcohol. Add to the mix the proximity with people who have caused those tensions and unresolved hurts.
Mix these ingredients and you have an explosive mix.
You can try to avoid difficult topics, but inevitably something will come up, particularly if you have the mix listed above.
Below are 8 steps you can use to survive the family Christmas. 8 steps to help you keep away from the difficult topics you may not be ready to discuss in a large family gathering.
PREPARE FOR THE DAY.
Are you expecting challenging topics of conversation? Plan in advance how to manage and deescalate these potential ignition points. a) PLAN TO SET BOUNDARIES
You can set boundaries by letting family members know what areas are contentious and that you want avoided. You can practice how you will set this boundary in a positive, affirming way.
Maybe you might say something like: “I love seeing you and our time together is really great. There are just some things that we disagree on and maybe we can avoid discussing them today so that we can enjoy our time together.”
b) PREPARE AHEAD
Before you meet up, think about happy things you and this family member/s have in common. Are there happy childhood memories you can share, do you have the same interests? Brainstorm ideas of topics of conversation so you are ready to have a conversation. When you have no topic to discuss, conversations tend to follow well worn paths. If those well worn paths are the contentious ones, then that is what you are going to end up having a conversation about.
REDIRECT THE CONVERSATION.
Preparing ahead safe topics to discuss will allow you to quickly redirect the conversation to a safer topic that is related to the contentious topic. It is easier to pivot if the topic is related somehow, so if someone brings up a humiliating episode when you were a child and were swimming, you may bring in a conversation about wonderful beaches to visit and direct people to that topic. In that situation, the chances are that others in the conversation are not happy to bring up the humiliating episode either and will welcome the change to change the topic.
REHEARSE WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY.
When you are under stress, you will tend to do what is habitual. So well used responses to others will tend to be used. This will quickly derail your intention to steer away from the uncomfortable conversations. So practise what you will say. Have imaginary conversations where the other person says something they usually say, or makes a comment about a situation they usually comment on. Imagine redirecting the conversation away from that contentious comment and what you will say. While you are doing this, imagine being relaxed and able to deflect any triggers in their words. Imagine calmly setting a boundary, or redirecting the conversation, or making a statement.
While you are imagining this conversation, practice taking calming breaths and imagine you are releasing all the tension and it is flying away as you breathe out. As you breathe in, imagine you are breathing in peace and calm.
If you have a family member who makes highly politicised comments, or makes racist comments, or expresses strong extremist viewpoints, practice a statement that acknowledges their opinion but indicates it is not up for discussion. The well tried response to this is to “agree to disagree” and have no more conversation around that.
Sometimes these statements are deliberate attempts to bait you into responding. Don’t. Set the boundary and try to change the topic of conversation. If the person still persists, walk away. Take a walk around the block if you need to calm down. Just remain calm until you are somewhere where it is safe for you to be upset. More on that later.
BRING OUT THE OLD HAPPY MEMORIES.
This is another redirecting technique. Bringing out a positive family story involving a happy memory. The more family members involved in this memory the better. If you start off saying “Remember when xxx” you are inviting others to add their recollections of the memory. Not only is that fun to share in happy reminiscences, it also shuts down anyone negative due to the weight of people participating in a new conversation.
Remember, a family member who is difficult for you to get along with, may also be difficult for others to get along with. Other family members may welcome your efforts to redirect the conversation and be more than happy to jump in with enthusiasm. After all, everyone wants to have a lovely day.
FOCUS ON FUN FAMILY TRADITIONS.
There will no doubt be things your family enjoy doing together on family occasions. There are families that love to gather around the piano and sing Christmas carols. Others love to play games. Others have a post Christmas lunch walk.
If your family has traditions then make sure they are carried out. If they don’t have any, then introduce some new things you think family members will be interested in. Prepare the ground for this. Talk about this “fun” idea with family members you think will be useful allies in this so that when you introduce the idea it will be supported by other people. These traditions are a great way to distract from unpleasant conversations.
PRACTICE GRATITUDE.
In the lead up to Christmas, think of at least 10 things to be grateful for each day. Write them down and say them out loud, followed by three thank yous. Slowly introduce gratitudes for family members.
Don’t force the jolliness. Find things you are genuinely grateful for. They may range from extraordinary things to the seemingly mundane such as your health, your home, your job and so on.
Each day add gratitudes for family members. Start with the ones you love seeing. As you get close to Christmas think about the ones that cause you grief. Is there anything about them you like? Anything about them you admire? Try to find something to be grateful for about them. One might be that they are diligent about attending the family Christmas every year. Another might be they help with the washing up. Another might be they love their car. Find something to be grateful for.
Finding positives help you to feel more empowered and more in control of those difficult situations. It also helps to see the main protagonists as people with less power than you thought they had.
FIND ALLIES.
Think about who will be at the Christmas event and identify those you find supportive. They may be the type who will speak up and support you at the time of the difficulty, or they may be someone you can speak to later to help you calm down.
It is easier to manage in stressful situations when you know you have support.
PRACTICE CALMING TECHNIQUES.
One of the easiest ways to calm down is breathing. It is best to practice this technique in advance so that it is second nature when you need it. If you try this for the first time when you need it, it is unlikely to work effectively.
a) MINDFUL BREATHING
The best way to practice is to start small.
• Set a reminder on your phone for every hour if possible.
• Now prepare to breathe for 1 minute.
• Set a timer for 1 minute.
• Sit quietly with your hands resting in your lap.
• You may choose to let your focus slip or you may choose to close your eyes.
• Now breathe in while noticing the feeling of the air entering your nose and your chest and tummy rising with the in breath.
• Now breathe out while notice the feeling of your chest and tummy falling and the feeling of the air passing through your nose.
• With the next in breath, imagine you are inhaling calming air. Imagine it is a beautiful calming colour such as blue or green, whatever your find calming. See that coloured air entering your nose and lungs.
• Now breathe out all the tension and difficult emotions. Imagine the air you breathe out is the colour of tension and difficult emotions such as red, whatever you find expresses what you are feeling.
• Continue breathing in calm and breathing out tension. You can say to yourself I am breathing in calm on the in breath. And you can say I am breathing out tension/anger (name emotion) on the out breath.
• If you notice your mind wander away from noticing your breath just return your attention to your breath without judging yourself.
• Continue until 1 minute is up. Notice how you are feeling calmer and more in control of your emotions.
If you practice your 1 minute mediation as often as you can you may consider the next day practising for 5 minutes sometimes and 1 minute at others.
Practice as often as you can. When you need this calming at the Christmas event you will find it easier to slip into the practice if you have taken the time to practice in advance.
You can use mindful breathing sitting or moving around. Many people practice as they are walking. This is something you might try if you need to get some space away from the difficult people.
b) RELEASING WALK
The walk works like this:
• Don’t rush to push the emotions you feel away. Allow yourself to feel them, name them and walk them out. Stamp if you need to, walk fast if you need to. Swing your arms around. Whatever allows you to release what you are feeling.
• Once you have allowed yourself that time and you have acknowledged and released the emotions you can then walk at a calmer pace at your speed.
• Notice what is around you. What can you see, hear, smell, touch or taste?
• Take a deep in breath. Notice the sensation of that breath entering your body as you walk.
• Release that breath and notice the sensation of it leaving your body as you walk.
• Continue breathing and paying attention to your breath.
• Remember to breathe in calm and breathe out stress, anger and/or other distressing emotions you are experiencing.
• As you notice yourself feeling calmer, you can start paying attention to the beauty around you.
• Remember to just return your attention to your breath if your mind starts to wander.
• As you settle into this calming routine, allow yourself to feel your feet on the ground. Feel the ground supporting you are you walk.
• Allow yourself to feel the air around you. Feel the air wrapping you in its loving embrace.
• Continue walking, feeling the calm and feeling the support that surrounds you.
• When you are ready you can return to the gathering.
• You may decide to stay there, you may decide to communicate boundaries, you may decide to leave. Do whatever feels right for you.
MAKE OTHER ARRANGEMENTS
If you feel that it is too distressing to attend the family Christmas, make other arrangements.
Maybe you would like to attend a community lunch.
Maybe you know other people who are on their own at Christmas. Perhaps you can get together to celebrate.
Maybe you would like the day alone with some lovely food and a stack of movies/games/books you would love to watch.
You may even find other family members don’t like the event and would be happy to do something with you instead.
A FINAL WORD
You have prepared yourself for the family Christmas and it is still difficult. Be okay with that. Don’t forget your strategies. Set realistic expectations of how people will be and prepare for this.
Do take the time to take some calming breaths before responding to other people. It can help to name what you are feeling. This allows you to cope better. It also allows you space to decide to not react to this person. It is in this moment you may choose to walk away, or calmly say their comment is inappropriate, or not funny, or unacceptable or anything else.
People can get to you with their behaviour and comments because you have unresolved hurts. After Christmas, review the family Christmas. What came up for you? Is there something you need to resolve. Counselling can be really helpful to explore and resolve old hurts. You can also learn helpful strategies to cope.
WHERE TO GET HELP
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your unresolved hurts, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
PLEASE NOTE PLENTIFUL LIFE COUNSELLING WILL BE CLOSED FROM 5PM 21 DECEMBER 2022 AND WILL RE OPEN AT 9AM ON 9 JANUARY 2023.
We all know the pressure to have the perfect Christmas. There is also the pressure to buy presents, to prepare food, to clean the house if you are hosting anyone for Christmas, or to travel away from home with all its associated stress if you are visiting for Christmas.
It is well accepted that Christmas can be a stressful time.
It is also accepted that getting together with family can be stressful as well.
Another stressful aspect of Christmas is the sheer volume of Christmas parties you may be invited to. You may receive more invitations than you feel comfortable accepting, yet you do accept them because you don’t want to let anyone down, or disappoint them.
All this stress can be overwhelming and make Christmas a less than enjoyable time for you.
Many people learn early in life to please other people. Maybe you are a people pleaser.
You may have learned to do this in your childhood home. It may have been a matter of survival. You may have learned to do this to make friends at school, or protect yourself from bullies. You may have learned to do it due to being in an abusive relationship. You may have learned to do it because you didn’t believe people would like you if you said no.
Whatever the reason, it can be a problem at Christmas.
It can be a problem when you feel you have to accept every invitation to attend a Christmas Party, even when you feel overwhelmed with busyness.
It can be a problem when you see family members at Christmas and you fear the expectations they have that you will go alone with anything they suggest.
Of course, you won’t only be a people pleaser at Christmas. It is just that it seems to be a time when you are called on more to people please and your stress levels are already high.
What do you do about it?
It is worthwhile considering how much of a problem this is.
To determine the extent of the problem it is helpful to understand the impact people pleasing can have on you.
• It can increase your stress
• It can lead to you feeling depressed
• You can feel resentful
• You can feel angry
• You can push yourself to the point of exhaustion which can impact your physical health
• It can lead to you now enjoying Christmas time at all
• It can cause you to neglect your self care
• It can harm your relationships
SO WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT IT?
We all say yes to things on occasion that we may not want to do. That is a choice we make in accommodating other people.
But if you say yes all the time, even when you don’t want to, then you do need to do something about it.
People pleasing, or fawning, is a stress response. It is part of the responses our brain activates when we are in danger.
The most well know of those responses are Fight and Flight. People pleasing, or fawning, is part of this group of defence mechanisms. When you fawn, you seek to accommodate the needs of others to the point where you don’t meet your own needs.
You may find you are not able to tell others how you really feel about something.
You may put the needs of others ahead of your own. A good example of that is saying yes to a Christmas party invitation when you are exhausted and really need to rest.
You may say yes to every request made of you.
You may seek to flatter others.
You may have low self esteem.
You will probably go to great lengths to avoid conflict
You may feel you are taken advantage of and that may really irritate you.
You may worry about fitting in with others and be frightened of having an argument with another person.
THE HIDDEN COSTS OF BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER
Because you always put your needs last, you are more vulnerable to emotional abuse and being exploited by others. You are also more vulnerable to abusive relationships.
At Christmas, being a people pleaser can lead to high levels of stress and you finding this time of year anything but relaxing.
SOME BANDAID MEASURES TO TRY
Feeling safe enough not to people please is a slow process. There are some things you can try in the interim. How effective they are will depend on how safe you feel, but you will only know when you try.
It is helpful to enlist the support of someone else who can be there and give you encouragement, give you some time out and be a listening ear when you need it.
THIS IS IMPORTANT TO KNOW
You need to know these important things:
• You deserve to be able to do what you want
• You deserve to be here and to take up space
• You are enough, just as you are
• Your thoughts, feelings, opinions and boundaries matter
• Most of the time when you say no you will survive.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN “MOST OF THE TIME”?
I would never recommend you stand up to a violent abuser or a coercive controller. That is dangerous. If you are in those situations it is best to contact 1800 RESPECT for assistance.
Apart from that it is okay to say no.
WHAT ARE THE BANDAID MEASURES?
The main measures to take are to be able to say “no”.
Your friend asks you to come to her party. You don’t want to go. You are worried about disappointing her by saying no.
STOP
You deserve to be able to do what you want.
You take a deep breath and say “no, I can’t come”. You may like to add a thankyou for your invitation.
It is important to remember that you don’t have to explain why you are saying no. Your no is no and that is good enough.
ANOTHER EXAMPLE
You arrive at your Aunt’s house for the extended family get together. She is a very organised and determined woman, used to give you orders and expecting you to jump to obey them.
You have drive 2 hours through heavy traffic to get there and you are tired, frazzled and need to destress for a while.
She jumps in with an order to prepare something in the kitchen. I might add at this point that everyone has brought food to contribute to the family feast so there is nothing to prepare in the kitchen.
You don’t want to. You need to sit for a while and see the rest of the family.
You have enlisted your partner to support you.
You say “no”. it is probably a good idea to add “when it is time to put the food out I can help you for a short while”.
She may be stunned you said no. She may try to shame you into helping. She may want to argue. If you can , walk away. If need be you may need to tell her that you need to destress after the drive and want to catch up with family members. You may ask if she has caught up with family members and suggest you can do that together.
Your partner can also support you by steering you away from your aunt, or, if necessary, stepping in to enforce the boundary.
HOW DO I LEARN TO SET BOUNDARIES
I have already mentioned that people pleasing is a survival response. It is learned because of traumatic situations.
When you have trauma in your past, you often find it hard to feel safe and manage your emotions, which are often very strong. You will frequently feel unsafe and that is something that you can heal from slowly with the correct treatment.
In Australia the Blue Knot Foundation has well respected trauma treatment guidelines that are effective in healing. It is wise to seek out a therapist who adheres to these guidelines.
WHERE CAN I FIND A THERAPIST?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your people pleasing, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
So often when challenges occur in life you can get caught up in the situation and lose the objectivity you need to find a solution.
Past experiences and hurts can cloud how you perceive the challenge.
Self beliefs that are disempowering can also impede your ability to solve the challenge.
Once you reach that stage of believing it is too hard to solve then the challenge becomes a problem.
Here are some things you can try to help you see more clearly and find a solution. Write down the answers to your questions as the process of writing and seeing what you have written is a wonderful way to get a bit of distance between you and the problem:
What have I tried already to solve the problem?
You have usually already tried to solve a challenge a few different ways before you perceive it as a problem. What are those ways? Write down you answer with just facts and no emotional interpretations of what you have done.
Getting caught up in the emotions makes it hard to be objective. When subjectivity fails to solve a problem you need objectivity to see solutions.
How will I know when the problem is no longer a problem?
There are always challenges in life that can become problems when you can’t solve them. What often happens is you find a solution and the problem is no longer a problem. The question to answer here is what would be happening for you so you no longer see this problem as a problem?
Finding that answer will help you break the problem down into parts that are more easily resolved. You will likely find that some parts of the problem don’t need to be solved.
So the question here is which parts need solving in order for the problem to no longer be a problem?
When is this challenge not a problem?
Things can happen that are challenging but you are able to manage the challenge without it becoming a problem. The addition of one or two factors may make this challenge a problem. That can give you the clue as to what you need to focus on to resolve the problem.
The question here is what is present in this challenge that makes it into a problem?
What is present when the problem occurs?
This is similar to the previous question. Just as factors in a challenge may make it feel like a problem, situations at the time of a challenge can make it feel like a problem.
In answering this question you may realise that there are certain situations that feel overwhelming or disempowering. If a challenge occurs in those situations they you struggle to solve the challenge and it becomes a problem.
This questions allows you to separate the other factors that are present from the actual problem.
What is the difference between when the problem exists and when it doesn’t?
The problem is causing some form of distress for you. What is that? What is happening for you when this problem is present that isn’t happening when the problem is not there? Pay attention to that. It will help you to understand how this problem is a problem and give you some ideas as to how you can solve it.
How can I redefine the problem so that it is more solvable?
There is that saying that “one man’s meat is another man’s poison”. One of the applications of that saying is that what one person perceives as a problem another person does not perceive as a problem.
Sometimes a problem is this way because that is how you perceive it. If you look at the problem from a different perspective it does not seem such a problem. This is what redefining means.
One example is your car getting a flat battery. While you are waiting for help jump starting the car you can:
. worry about the things you need to do that are now being delayed, or
. you can choose to accept that you day is going to be different and notice the glorious skies, or
. you may catch up on some phone calls you needed to make, or
. you may spend time planning your next holiday.
The list is endless. You can choose to see the disruption as an opportunity to catch up on other things, or just chill, or you can choose to see the disruption as something bad.
If you find you frequently have problems in your life that you can’t resolve it can be helpful to talk to someone else about it.
It can be difficult just putting these steps in place. It takes time to learn these skills and sometimes you may need help learning the skills.
Sometimes it is best to talk to a professional about this.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning how to solve problems, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
A small child is struggling to do something which is beyond their age related ability to complete. An impatient parent grabs the item from them saying: “You are so useless, I’ll do it”.
A child in school forgets to write their name on their exam paper. The teacher hands the other students their papers and announces in a loud voice that xx is a failure yet again because they didn’t put their name on their paper.
You make a mistake and your self talk immediately tells you how useless you are for making that mistake.
SHAMING LANGUAGE MAKES YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE USELESS
Can you relate to any of these examples?
I sure can.
How do you respond to the shaming of these examples and other incidents?
Do you believe those words are true and you are shameful? Do you then try to suppress those feelings of shame?
CHANGING THE LANGUAGE OF SHAME
What if instead of shaming and suppressing you changed the language?
What if you reframed those words instead?
Instead of:
• “You are useless” because you made a mistake. Try “I made a mistake”
• “you are so stupid” because you did something you think is wrong try “that was not the best idea” or “that idea didn’t work. What else can I try?”.
• “Why does this happen to me?” Try “Oh this is interesting, what can I learn from this?”
• “Why can’t I do this?” Try “how can I make this work?”
• “Why is this happening?” Try “what can I do to change this?”
• “How could they do this to me?” Try “how can I use this?”
• “Why can’t I make enough money?” Try “how can I add more value?”
• “Why is there never enough time?” Try “what can I alter to fit in these things I really want in my life.”
• “I am so useless, I don’t know how to do this”. Try “I don’t know how to do this, who can I ask for help?”
QUESTIONING THE LANGUAGE OF SHAME
When those thoughts pop into your head try asking yourself:
• Is it true? (Am I really stupid?)
• Is it sensible? (to think I am stupid)
• Is it helpful? (to say this about me – short answer NO)
After you have established what you have just said is not true, sensible or helpful, try reframing it.
REVIEWING THE THINGS YOU DO TO SEE THE POSITIVE ACTIONS
When you do something, it can be really helpful to review how it went. Next time try asking yourself these questions?
• What went well?
• What can be done differently next time?
• Is there anything I need to ask someone about, or learn more about?
I AM NOT MY ACTIONS
Don’t buy into shaming yourself. You are human which means you make mistakes. You don’t always know how to do anything. You don’t always get things right. The mistakes you make are not you they are just actions.
As a child once told her teacher – I am not messy I am making a mess. (Brené Brown).
There is a distinction.
One is wrong (I am messy) and one is right (I am making a mess).
Make sure your self talk switches to the statement that is right.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you learn to see yourself as the wonderful person you are, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
