Trauma – Page 3

Attachment and its relevance to you

Attachment is a frequent topic of conversation. You may have heard about it and wondered what it is. In this blog, I will be explaining attachment and the related term attunement. I will describe the impact it has on child development and finish with an explanation as to how this impacts on adulthood. Finally, I will end with the good news for adults who missed out on secure attachment in childhood and how to correct insecure attachment.

What is Attachment?

Many mistakes and much research has demonstrated that an essential need for children is to be held and touched, as well as to feel seen. This need starts at birth.

These two needs are named Attachment and Attunement.

Attachment describes the bond between the child and their caregiver/s. For survival, a baby needs at least one secure adult who will provide the baby’s needs. If the child cries, it needs an adult to pick it up and attend to its needs for food, nappy changes, comfort when distressed and loving interactions. In an ideal world every child will receive that care and will be secure in the knowledge its care needs will be met.

But this is not an ideal world. And children, even in infancy, have to adopt behaviours to ensure their care needs are met.

The securely attached child

For the child with secure adult/s in their life, it is easy to have their needs met. They know there will be someone to look after them, to keep them clean, feed them, comfort them when they are distressed, play with them, see them. The usual attachment behaviours of crying or holding out their arms will result in their needs being met.

The insecurely attached child

For the child who does not have a secure adult in their life, it is not so easy. These children, described as having an insecure pattern of attachment, learn that their carer is not available when they need them. For this child, crying or expressing emotions may be dangerous. They learn to hide their fear and distress. Other insecurely attached children may learn that only when they exaggerate their crying or adopt any behaviour that gets attention will they get their needs met. For these children there is a belief that their carer is not there to meet their needs physically and/or emotionally.

Another group of insecurely attached children may learn that their carer is totally inconsistent in meeting their needs. This carer may be terrifying. That child may be frozen, unable to get any needs met and never being sure of the carer’s response to their attachment seeking behaviour.

The positive impact of secure attachment

When a child feels safe. That their physical and emotional needs will be met. They are able to develop on a normal trajectory.

Before I explain this, I want to talk about Attunement.

Attunement

It is not enough for a child to have its needs for food and comfort met. Children also need to feel seen.

If a child is not seen and visible to its carer/s then it will not get its needs met and will not survive.

Attunement is noticing a child, tuning into them, interacting with them, seeking to understand them.

A child needs to be reassured that if they are upset at something, their carer will seek to understand what the problem is.

Babies are observed to use behaviours to be noticed by their carer. They smile, coo, put their hands out, respond to the carer’s interactions. All these are part of early attunement.

Another aspect of attunement is the carer who hears the child cry and understands that cry is one of discomfort. So they change the nappy and check for anything else causing discomfort.

If the cry is one of hunger, they feed the child. And so on.

As the child grows, the attuned parent plays with the child, interacts with them, looks at things they show them, seeks to understand why the child is upset, seeks to understand acting out behaviours and so on.

Providing the security to explore the world and safety to return to

Attunement is an important aspect of secure attachment for a child.

What a child needs is to have a secure base from which to explore the world while being delighted in, helped and sharing enjoyment. They also need a safe haven that welcomes the child returning and where they can feel protected, comforted, delighted in, and having their feelings organised so they can learn to do that later in life. (Circle of Security www.circleofsecurity.net)

Interacting with a child securely and safely

Once children learn to talk, they learn to ask questions. A lot of them. These questions are vital aspects of learning for the child. It is a child’s interactions with its carers that drive brain development.

It is during the child’s first five years of life that dramatic brain development takes place. During this time the child learns how to self-regulate their emotions. They learn this by being co-regulated by their carer who holds and comforts them when they are upset or hurt, as well as laughing with them when they are having fun.

During these years, the child learns about the world and forms the view of the world as either safe or dangerous.

4 main areas where attachment drives development

Cognitive development. This is the internal belief about who I am and who You are.
Emotional regulation. This is the ability to experience, tolerate, express and regulate all emotions and to learn to seek help when needed.
Exploratory play and allied behaviour. This is the ability to be able to initiate exploration and investigation of the world through play and socialisation.
Pro-social orientation towards others. This means feeling able to reach out to others, to form friendships with others, to be part of a community.

9 positive benefits throughout life of secure childhood attachment

Protects from toxic stress. Toxic stress can be an abusive teacher, a bully, an abusive parent, needs being unmet, a disruption in the family such as divorce or a parent dying.
Allows healthy development. The stress of insecure attachment has a negative effect on child development. It also makes children vulnerable to depression or anxiety in childhood and later life.
Learning to regulate emotions. This has already been mentioned above.
Develop a healthy sense of self. Being related to by others in secure attachment allows the child to develop a sense of “who am I” and “who are you”.
Frees the brain to focus on learning. Insecure attachment involves the child constantly seeking safety which prevents the brain from giving full attention to learning.
The development of self reliance. If the child is secure, they can feel safe to try new things and learn to be self reliant. On the flip side, the child also learns it is okay to ask for help when needed and safe to rely on others when necessary. Insecurely attached children can struggle to learn self reliance and can struggle to ask for help because as a child there was no one to help them.
Healthy self esteem from which confidence grows. A securely attached child learns that there is always someone who thinks they are worthwhile. This is communicated to the child by the fact that there is always a carer there to pick them up, soothe them, play with them, see them. This sends the message “I am here and you are worth me being here”. What message does the child get from this? “You are here and I must be worth your being here. If I am worth you being here then I am worthwhile”.
Social competence. The carer baby relationship is the first relationship a child has. These sets the template for all relationships the child has in life.
Secure attachment teaches a child: • it is safe to be close to another person (intimacy) • you can support others and they can support you • empathy • getting along with others in all areas of life (or doing the best you can because it is not possible to get along with everyone)
Good health. This is considered due to lower stress in childhood and into adulthood, which, apart from the lowered exposure to the damaging effect of stress hormones on the body, is shown to lower the need to resort to stress relieving activities such as excessive alcohol intake, comfort eating and smoking.

Secure attachment also leads to healthy relationships which result in good mental health, good physical health, healthy life habits and lowered mortality risk.

How does this relate to me as an adult?

If you had a secure attachment and were well attuned to as a child then you are likely to be able to live life with the ability to cope with the challenges you encounter. You may occasionally need help, but you will be fairly likely to be comfortable asking for help.

You will be able to form secure relationships with other people.

If you didn’t have a secure attachment then life may be more stressful. It may be harder to cope when challenges occur. You may not know who to seek help from or feel safe seeking that help. You may find it hard to do that things you want to do in life.

You may also find it hard to function when you are stressed. And you may notice you are stressed often. On the other hand, other people may comment on how stressed you are and you don’t think you are stressed at all because stress is so much part of your life that you don’t know what it feels like to not be stressed.

You may find you get into friendships and intimate relationships with people who are toxic. You may find yourself unable to speak up at work about problems.

You may find you feel there is crisis after crisis and struggle to feel at peace.

There are myriad ways your childhood may impact on you.

The good news

The good news is that, with the help of a trauma trained counsellor, it is possible to repair those early attachment wounds. It is possible to learn how to be more secure in relationships. It is possible to learn how to use the way your brain developed to serve you well in life, instead of hampering you.

Can I Help?

I am trauma trained and if you would like to talk to me about how I can help you to develop a more secure attachment style, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

The Cry For Help

Have you met someone who is constantly telling you their horror story of a traumatic past?

Maybe you do this yourself?

Many people will tell me they retell the story because they can’t let go of it.

I totally get that. I have told and retold my own trauma stories often.

I thought it was to have someone witness my story.

And to a certain extent that was correct. I did want my story witnessed. Just as many people who come to see me want their story witnessed.

I hear you, I believe you.

You want someone to say I hear you.

You want someone to say what was done to you was horrible. A child shouldn’t have been treated that way.

You want to hear the horrified reaction of your listener as they hear your horrible story.

It is important to be heard, believed, and have the extent of your trauma acknowledged.

But there is something more that prompts you to tell the story over and over.

I need help

It is the wounded child seeking help. When that story happened to you as a child, no one came to your assistance. You needed help. Desperately. And no help came.

The next time you feel the need to tell your story, ask yourself. Am I seeking help?

If the answer is yes, then you are the adult who can help your wounded child.

You may not feel able to help your wounded child, and that is where counselling from a trauma professional can be helpful.

And if it is someone you care about who needs help for their wounded child, don’t dismiss them. Listen, ask if their wounded child needs help, and encourage them to see a counsellor.

Can I help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your wounded child, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

15 Indicators That You May Need Healing From Your Past

Trauma is talked about a lot these days. It is hard to avoid mentions of it.

But understanding of what trauma looks like is rarer. Many people who come to see me are surprised to hear that their experiences are classified as trauma.

In addition, what one person finds traumatic is not necessarily traumatic to another person.

What is recognised as trauma

People readily accept serious accidents, death, physical abuse, sexual abuse or violence as major trauma. But what of the less obvious and well known sources of trauma.

Some less obvious sources of trauma are neglect, the divorce of your parents, bullying, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, minimising, denying and blaming, economic abuse, abuse of power, using coercion and threats, intimidation, isolation by others.

Identifying trauma in your past

How do you know if you have been exposed to trauma in the past, especially in your childhood years?

You may have memories of what you recognise as trauma. You may have memories of what you come to understand is trauma. Not all trauma is remembered, sometimes it is hidden away because the child you were when you suffered that trauma could not process the trauma and needed to forget it in order to survive. Sometimes the memory causes you great difficulties but only surfaces as you start to heal from the traumas in your life.

15 indicators of past trauma

Some indicators that you may be trying to survive with unhealed past trauma are:

Being very anxious or afraid for you safety or that of people who you care about.
Worry that bad things will happen. This can be a general worry about something bad happening.
Loss of focus or concentration.
Your academic performance being affected.
Noticing you are irritable with friends, family, people you work with, people generally.
Experiencing outbursts of anger and even aggression.
Withdrawal from other people or activities.
Avoiding school if you are still of school age.
Increasing physical problems such as headaches, stomach pain or chest pain.
Constantly thinking about or talking about an event from the past or worrying about the details of what has happened.
Reaction to noise, physical contact, loud unexpected noises, sirens, lighting, sudden movement is an under or over reaction.
Recurring nightmares/ disturbing and intrusive memories during the day.
Problems with sleep
Avoidance of places that remind you of difficult events in the past, or just avoiding places for no known reason.
Emotional numbness.

A Reflective Exercise To Explore Your Answers

Have you answered yes to any of these questions? Here is an exercise it would be helpful to complete. You can write in a journal, or even type on your computer, or record on your phone.

• Has any difficult or traumatic memory come to mind with these questions? Or failing that, what is the thought you are having around those questions you answered yes to?
Write a summary of the memory or the thoughts you are having.

• Have any of these memories affected your life? For example, are you having nightmares, experiencing sadness or anxiety?
Write down your answer to this question.

• When these memories or thoughts arise, what feelings are you noticing you are experiencing? They may include sadness, fear, guilt, shame, anger, worry, hurt, rejection, to name just a few.
Write down your answer to this question.

• When the unpleasant feelings arise what do you do to push them away and avoid them? Do you lash out at others, or eat food/drink alcohol/take drugs? Do you binge watch movies/TV series? Do you numb out on social media? Do you exercise? Or anything else to push them away.
Write down your answer to this question.

• When these memories or thoughts arise are you afraid that if you talk about them you will cry, or you will go crazy, or you will want to kill someone, or smash something?
Write down your answer to this question.

Exploring What You Have Answered

Read back over your answers. What do they tell you about how you are coping with difficult memories or thoughts? Are you surprised by what you discovered when you answered the questions and journalled?

If you answered yes to the original questions then you have unresolved trauma that is impacting you now.

Looking at your journal prompts you can see how you are being impacted.

Starting The Process of Healing

It can be helpful to talk to a trauma trained counsellor about the difficulties you are experiencing. It might not seem it, but allowing yourself to heal from the past will transform your present and your future.

Never forget that you are amazing to be here, now, having survived a difficult past. Healing is something you are capable of doing with help.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The Myth of Passive Aggressive Behaviour

There is a lot of misinformation about behaviour and its causes in the general community.

This leads to many terrible things being done to people who should be given understanding.

One popular thing to accuse people of is being Passive Aggressive. The label is freely applied to people but there is extremely limited understanding of what passive aggressive behaviour actually is.

The source of the myth

This myth is not helped by the fact that there used to be a “personality disorder” listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). This “disorder” labelled Passive Aggressive was dropped 20 years ago.

Despite this no longer being accepted as a disorder, the community persists in applying this label to people. People who exhibit this behaviour have had trauma in their pasts and need understanding, not misguided judgement.

What behaviour you may see in someone labelled as Passive Aggressive

• Often a perfectionist with very high standards of their own behaviour.

• Difficulty identifying what they want.

• Difficulty asking for help.

• Difficulty setting boundaries and saying no.

• Low Self Esteem.

• Sensitive to criticism.

• People pleaser who seeks to accommodate other people’s wants.

• Hates to disappoint people and can become very distressed when think they will.

• Frightened of taking initiative in relationships.

• Finds it hard to say no so will instead say yes but try to communicate no by hints or cancelling at last minute, often in great distress.

• Withdraws when someone is angry with them.

• Doesn’t make feelings, needs and wants known to others.

• Saying no leads to feelings of guilt and great anxiety that have upset other person and that they will be rejected for that.

• Expresses feelings through behaviour rather than words.

• Seek to avoid conflict at all costs.

• Taken advantage of by others.

• Feels like a victim.

• Often unaware of feelings. Can be angry and not aware of it.

• May resort to more subtle behaviours to communicate message such as being sarcastic or even fantasising about getting revenge.

• Often feels resentful.

• Can’t understand why others can’t see their needs. Desperately wants other to see them because it is not safe to express them.

• May sub consciously adopt “unhappy” behaviour as non verbal communication.

• Procrastination, inefficiency, stubborness and sullenness are some behaviours that may be used.

Dispelling the myth: what passive aggressive behaviour is actually about

When a child is unable to express their needs safely they will adopt other ways to communicate their needs. This is not a deliberate thing. It comes about because their brain seeks ways to communicate that are safe.

One way to do this is through non verbal communication.

So you may see “unhappy” behaviour, sullenness, procrastination as behaviours that communicate unhappiness. These are not adopted deliberately.

When it is not safe to express needs openly, then passive aggressive behaviours become a safer way to express those needs. That is why you will notice people dropping hints, or being reluctant to do what you ask, or looking sullen.

Have you been accused of passive aggressive behaviour?

When you have learned it is not safe to express your needs you will frequently feel you do not have the right to have needs. This is why you will struggle to set boundaries and say no.

You will also notice you seek to avoid conflict. But underneath you may feel great distress at the way things are happening.

Internally, you may find it hard to even acknowledge what you are feeling. You may feel you are judged by others for the way you feel. In fact, you are judged because of ignorance about your behaviour.

The pressure cooker of denied needs

You may have learned as a child to push down your feelings. In adulthood you continue to do this. Over time this pushing down creates a pressure cooker situation where your feelings will explode and you may express them in a number of ways. For example by being angry, or bursting into tears, or running away.

How to be less passive aggressive

Ultimately you need to be honest with youself about your feelings and learn to express them more assertively. It is important to be aware that not everyone will accept you being more assertive. When that happens the other person is acting out their own insecurities. This doesn’t make you wrong. But it will feel uncomfortable.

Be honest about your feelings.

Learn to express yourself. This will help prevent misunderstandings, hurt feelings and resentment.

Do you need help?

It is not easy to learn to feel safe expressing your needs. Healing the past and learning to let go of the protective behaviours that kept you safe, but no longer serve you, is hard.

It is particularly hard to do on your own.

This is where counselling can help.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you to learn how to effectively meet your needs please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How Conversation and Journalling Prompts can improve your Communication, Creativity and Self-Awareness as well as Boosting your Mental Health and Well-Being

Soon I will be resuming my live talks in my Facebook Group Plentiful Life Exploration.

Last year I always used some cards I own during the live talks.

The cards are called Deep Speak (by St Luke’s Resources) and aim to respect the right to a voice of all people.

These cards are designed to encourage people to tell their stories, offer opinions and listen to others when they tell their stories.

They also help you to learn more about yourself. This makes them wonderful as journalling prompts and for self reflection.

Today I am going to write my blog with some prompts for you.

If you would like to share your answers you can do so on my page Plentiful Life Counselling, or join my group Plentiful Life Exploration and comment there.

QUESTION ONE

The first question is an opener – to get the conversation started.

What was your favourite book as a child?

I would love to know what your book was.

Mine was Anne of Green Gables. I loved the way this unwanted girl found someone who wanted her and set about learning to be herself and to be able to achieve what she wanted in life. So inspiring.

How about you?

QUESTION TWO

The next question is one about identity. That is such a difficult thing for many people. Here is a question to help you explore who you are.

Do you have a favourite family story?

I would love to know what your story is.

Mine is that my grandfather, as a young 19 year old, had to leave Scotland to find work. He was supposed to sail to Canada where his older brothers were waiting.
But my Grandfather hated the cold. He got to the port and there was a ship sailing to Australia there as well. So he bought his ticket to Australia and got on the boat. Wow! He really hated the cold.

I have always been in awe of his courage to sail to a country where he knew no one and there would be no one to support him. He made a life for himself and survived very well. Such a wonderful role model.

QUESTION THREE

The next question is about relationships.

Have you ever been let down by a friend?

That is a challenging one. It hurts to be let down by someone. Often when you share your story other people judge it as being unimportant. But of course it is.

I would love to know what your story is.

Mine is that I had planned to take a trip with a friend to a new place I had never been before. We were going to stay a few days. I researched what we could do and where we could stay. I was so excited. Then my friend told me she was going to this place with another friend. I was so upset and felt so rejected by this. I never said anything to her but I felt she must have decided she didn’t want to go with me. In reality I suspect she had forgotten we had made this plan. I sometimes think it would have been better if at the time I had said that I thought we were going to go together and that I was disappointed. Instead I distanced myself from her and our relationship was never as close again.

QUESTION FOUR

The next question is about values. Values are so important. They guide how you see the world and how you relate to others.

How rich do you want to be?

That is seemingly simple. But many people hold values around wealth and the type of people who hold it.

For me, I want to have enough money to live comfortably in retirement. By comfortable I mean being able to pay my bills and have the odd treat. To not have to lie awake at night worrying about money.

QUESTION FIVE

The next question is about emotions. This is a lovely reflective question that allows you to explore who you are and how to regulate your feelings.

How do you control your anger?

I would love he hear how you do that.

Anger is so hard to control. I always try to remember to breathe deeply and slowly so that I can remain in control of my feelings. So often anger involves feeling in danger and needing to defend yourself. When that happens, the rational part of your brain is no longer accessible and it is impossible to control your feelings. Breathing deeply and slowly sends a message to the brain that you are safe. It allows you to be able to think about how you want to respond and allows you to choose a response that is helpful for you and others.

QUESTION SIX

The last question is about beliefs. This is another one that is important for you to understand about yourself and for others to learn about you.

Have you ever had something you’d call a spiritual experience?

I would love to hear from you.

Spiritual experiences cover a large range of things. They can include seeing a wonderful sunset and watching in awe at its beauty. They can include feeling the presence of a loved one who has died.

For me I have experienced both those things.

THE BENEFITS OF EXPLORING QUESTIONS LIKE THESE

Learning to explore and share your story, even if it is only with the pages of a journal, is an important way to learn more about you. It helps you to understand why you feel the way you do about things. It helps you to feel able to share stories of the sad things in life, of the traumatic events, of the hurtful things. It helps you to heal, either by yourself or by seeking support from a counsellor.

Learning more about yourself allows you to be more present to what your body is feelings. This allows you to better understand what you are feeling. This skill is important in living life successfully, being able to regulate your emotions and form relationships with other people that are mutually respectful.

DO YOU NEED HELP?

Sometimes things that happen in life can make it hard to understand what you are feeling. It can also be hard to feel safe with others and be able to set boundaries that allow you to have comfortable relationships with others.

Sometimes you need help to learn these things and to untangle the difficulties of the past. This is where a counsellor can help you.

CAN I HELP?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with being better able to understand what you are feeling and/or healing from your past hurts, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Why Children and Adolescents Need Counselling After Divorce: Understanding the Importance of Emotional Support in the Face of Family Breakdown

Recently, an inquest opened into the death of an adolescent girl who had killed herself after a long battle with anxiety and depression. This tragedy plays itself out throughout the world every day. In his opening statement, the father of the girl spoke to the court because he felt it was important the court understood that his daughter’s mental health issues stemmed from the breakup of her parents when she was 6. He identified the split as being severely traumatising. This breakup of the girl’s parents had such far-reaching consequences, that its impact was still experienced by her 9 years later.

In this blog I will be discussing the effect one of the common losses of children, separation of parents, has on children and adolescents. I will be referring to children and adolescents as children.

THE BOY SHOPLIFTER

Years ago I worked in a variety store on the checkout. One day a boy of about 12 walked out past my customers. I stopped him and asked to check his backpack.

His reaction to this was extraordinary and upsetting. He sat down on the floor, against the wall, and put his bag down. The look on his face was one of utter desolation. Here was a small child who was really frightened but also who felt extremely alone.

That was really upsetting for me.

The boy had packed his bag full of stolen items.

The police were called and the boy was taken away.

THE HISTORY BEHIND HIS BEHAVIOUR

I learned that his parents had recently separated and his father had a new girlfriend. Since the breakup of his parent’s marriage, the boy had been involved in many acts of vandalism and angry behaviour.

To the other staff, this boy was just some troublemaker who no one should feel sorry for. He was obviously just bad.

To me this boy was a child whose life had been turned upside down by destruction of his secure world and he was acting out his feelings.

THE DIFFICULTY FOR PARENTS IN RELATIONSHIP BREAKDOWNS

For adults in the middle of a relationship breakdown, it is an incredibly painful time. There is often little enough energy for each individual to attend to his or her own needs in this terrible loss. There is rarely any energy available for the children of this relationship.

This doesn’t mean the parents are horrible people. They love their children and care deeply about them. But they are struggling to cope with what has happened.

THE FEAR OF MUM AND DAD BREAKING UP

Attending to the needs of the children in this is hard. From a child’s perspective things are very frightening. Security is the most important need of a child. A child needs to know its parents are there to ensure its survival. If the parents are not there, who will ensure the child’s survival?

Parental separation takes a child’s entire understanding of safety and destroys it. For the child caught up in the breakdown of his parent’s marriage, there is no safety. It is hard for parents in this situation to reassure the child. Sadly the child can become the pawn in the breakdown, as each parent seeks to punish the other through access to the child.

CHANGED CONTACT, EVEN NO CONTACT

Sometimes, the parent who leaves will, for a variety of reasons, reduce or completely cut off contact with the child. This is a terribly hurtful for the child. The child does not understand the adult world. What the child understands is that Mum and Dad are not together anymore and that one parent does not want to have anything to do with him anymore.

The child sees a future that is very uncertain.

THE MANY LOSSES A CHILD EXPERIENCES

Often children will talk about having to move away from their home and perhaps give away family pets which they cannot take with them to their new rental home.

Children will talk about never hearing from one parent and not always understanding why.

THE CONFUSION OF ONE PARENT BEING NEGATIVE ABOUT THE OTHER PARENT

Parents can be reckless in the words used to the child and tell the child negative things about the other parent. This is not fair to the child. That other parent is their parent too. The child loves them and identifies with them. Sometimes, what is being criticised in the other parent is something the child does. So where does that leave the child? Does that mean the parent rejects him as well?

SPLIT CUSTODY CAN BE CONFUSING

The Family Law Courts, in the desire to ensure both parents have equal access to children, can cause damage to children. For a child, the security of the family home is replaced by the insecurity of two non-homes. The child spends part of the week in one house, but it never has everything the child owns there. The other part of the week is spent in another house which also never has everything the child owns in it.
The child wakes in the night and has to ask “which house am I in?” “I need to pee, where is the bathroom?”.

NOT FITTING IN ANYWHERE

For a number of children, one of the houses they live in contains a new partner and possibly children who may live there full time.

Can you imagine how difficult it is to fit into a house like that?

The child is there part time, the rest of the people in the house are there full time. How does the child fit in to that? All the love and the will in the world is not going to compensate for that lack of belonging and hence safety.

FEELINGS CAN BE ACTED OUT OR INTERNALISED

As was seen in my story of the 12 year old shoplifter, many children act out their feelings. But others internalise them.

Adults look at the children and, because they seem to be happy, think they have accepted what has happened. That they have ‘gotten over it’. But this is not true. Children suffer because what has happened to them is too great for a child to process without help.

HOW COUNSELLING CAN HELP

Parents involved in the grief of the end of a relationship are not in a position to help the child. This is where counselling and grief and loss programs are really helpful to assist children in this situation to be able to express feelings in a healthy way before the grief and loss feelings develop into long term problems.
The sad story of the adolescent girl could have been prevented if she had been able to access counselling as a 6 year old.

CAN I HELP?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you or your children with your relationship breakdown, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How do you respond when the elephant is crushing the mouse?

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.” Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

Put another way, there is a wonderful analogy that staying “neutral” is like watching the elephant crush the mouse and not interfering because you are “not taking sides”. To the mouse, you look like you are siding with the elephant.

THE DAMAGE OF NEUTRALITY

This is something that is very prevalent in our society. It ranges from the children and teenagers who stand by while a friend is being bullied to adults who look the other way when another adult is being physically or verbally abused, even when they know the adult.

Being the victim and feeling totally unsupported is a frightening thing. Wired deep into our brains is the need to be supported by the group in order to survive. If you are ignored then you are not valued by the group and not protected. This means you are in serious danger.

Often victims of abuse will report that the lack of support of others was more terrifying than the abuse itself.

NEUTRALITY IS BETRAYAL AND INVALIDATION

Victims will also say they felt betrayed by the person who remained neutral.

People think they have to stay neutral, but as the analogy says, to the mouse being crushed by the elephant you do not appear neutral. To the elephant crushing the mouse you appear to be on their side.

Think about it.

Neutrality is deeply invalidating to the mouse.

Neutrality is betrayal.

Neutrality is a form of trauma.

NEUTRALITY IS TRAUMATISING

It is trauma that challenges a person’s sense of safety in the world and the trust that they are not alone and will be defended when they need it.

Neutrality harms the brain of the victim. It damages connection bonds and destroys trust in those who practice neutrality.

NEUTRALITY DESTROYS RELATIONSHIPS

I see so many couples where trust and commitment have been destroyed by one partner remaining “neutral”.

Trust and commitment are the foundation of sound relationships. Without trust or commitment relationships are destroyed.

NEUTRALITY INCLUDES SUPPORT AFTER THE EVENT

Neutrality is not just practiced when in a situation of conflict. It can also occur when you go to another person for support and validation of your hurt, and they try to rationalise the other person’s behaviour.

This can happen when a child reports bullying at school. It can happen when a friend reports being subjected to nasty comments from people at work. It can happen when your partner’s mother is rude to you and your partner takes her side.

In those situations and many more you feel scared, unsafe and in pain.

NEUTRALITY LEADS TO YOU BEING BLAMED FOR WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU

What if the response to this is “you brought this on yourself?”.

Or you are asked “what did you do to trigger them to behave that way?” In other words, it is your fault.

How many times have you tried to tell another person about a scary situation to be told to stop complaining and get over it. Or to have the other person ignore what you said and change the subject?

The end result of all this neutrality is that you can often feel shamed.

All these are examples of neutrality and its destructive impacts.

INVALIDATION STARTS AS A BABY

Many people were raised under a style of parenting where parents were taught to leave their baby to cry. But babies cry because they have a need. Failure to meet that need invalidates their right to comfort, to be nurtured and cared for. Failure to meet that need changes the baby’s brain.

Then there are the invalidating experiences in childhood. As a child growing up, invalidation occurs every time your needs are not met by a caring parent who is attuned to you.
Parents can’t always meet your needs, but they can communicate their understanding of your situation and their concern and care for you.

So many children spend time in daycare. Culture in daycare centres often treats bullying as the fault of the victim and seeks to teach the child how to avoid being bullied. Becoming neutral is something taught very early in life.

This patterns is repeated in school. Teachers are human being and they can be caught up in the toxic “neutrality” behaviour as well. Many children experience the invalidation of neutrality when faced with bullying in school.

NEUTRALITY CAN BE ABOUT SURVIVAL FROM ABUSE

For some people, being neutral is a survival mechanism. As children they learned to side with their abuser to survive. In later life, when they are in a situation with another person who needs support, they can feel very unsafe if they don’t take the abuser’s side. They think they are being neutral when in fact they are trapped in a childhood survival mechanism.

Other people grew up frightened of the bullies and survived by not intervening. For them intervening was a very dangerous thing. In adulthood they haven’t unlearned that behaviour so keep it up.

So many people think not intervening is the right thing to do because that is what they were taught by neutrality obsessive parents, teachers, peers and society in general.

YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOUR

But that can be changed. All it needs is to learn to push through that fear and intervene anyway.

Pushing through that fear can be hard if you learned it as a survival mechanism in an abusive childhood. In those situations you may need counselling to learn to overcome that fear.

CAN I HELP?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you stand up to those who frighten you, or you have been invalidated by neutrality and need help healing, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

8 Steps to Learn How to Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Body

Many people I see find it very hard to be aware of their bodies. When that happens, it is very hard to understand the emotions you feel.

It is possible to learn how to do this. I know, because I taught myself to do this.

FEELING YOUR FEELINGS CAN BE SCARY

Many people are afraid of their feelings. Feelings can be scary. When you are used to managing by pretending you don’t feel anything it can be frightening to start feeling things. It feels unsafe.

It is possible to learn how to feel your feelings, the emotions that spring from them, and feel safe as well.

THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF REGULATION

Before you can start to learn how to be in your body, you need to learn how to feel safe.

Learning techniques to regulate your emotions (known as self-regulation) is essential.

WHEN YOU FEEL DISCONNECTED FROM YOUR BODY

Do you find you feel disconnected from your body, not just unaware of it but actually disconnected? This is known as dissociation. People who dissociate often report the following physical signs:

• Tension in all or part of the body

• Anxiety

• Tightness in the chest

• Difficulty breathing or feeling that breathing has become quick and shallow, or noticing you are holding your breath.

• Your vision becomes blurry

• All or part of your body feels numb

• You feel dizzy.

• You feel like you are floating.

• Time passes and you aren’t aware of what you did during those missing minutes/hours.

• You find yourself somewhere and don’t know how you got there.

What I am about to discuss is for anyone who wants to be more aware of their body.

BEFORE WE START, SOME QUESTIONS

Before we start I want to ask you some questions.

• Do you want to feel your body more?

• How much time do you find yourself thinking, particularly anxious and scattered thoughts?

• Do you feel safe feeling your emotions?

• What does it feel like to be in your body?

• Do you like your body?

• Do you believe in the past your body has betrayed you? Maybe this has been through illness, emotional pain, responding to bad things in ways you didn’t want it to?

• Do you know how to identify when you may dissociate from your body?

• Do you deliberately go into your head, use your imagination to fantasise or dissociate to avoid feeling pain?

• Are you prepared to feel the emotions and the memories associated with them? There can be no reconnecting with your body unless you do that.

THIS IS WHAT I WILL START WITH IF YOU COME TO SEE ME

Before you can learn how to feel your body more, you need to be sure you are okay to start on that journey. Some people prefer the constant anxiety and fear because it is familiar and are too scared to learn a better, more life affirming way of being.

The information I am about to share is what I teach you if you come to see me. The aim of these exercises is to help you to feel your body, to learn the signs in your body of different emotions. When these exercises are practised they are very effective.

IMPORTANT NOTE

Please note that these exercises are about learning to feel what is happening in your body and understand your emotions. You may still experience fear when you feel these emotions. If you have overwhelmingly frightening emotions it is best to see a counsellor who specialises in working with trauma. It is best if that person has trained with the Blue Knot Foundation and is familiar with their Trauma Treatment Guidelines.

MY AIMS IN WORKING WITH YOU

As a trauma counsellor my aim in working with you is to:

• Be a witness to your story

• Hear you as you talk about these things in your life

• See you

• Help you to learn how to self-regulate

• Help you learn to identify the feelings in your body and the emotions attached to them

• Help you to heal and learn how to live a plentiful life, not one hampered by the restrictions of unhealed wounds from the past.

• Follow the Blue Knot Foundation trauma guidelines.

WHAT AM I FEELING IN MY BODY EXERCISE:

You will need:

• A body outline. You can draw this yourself or use the one that is illustrating this blog

• Coloured pencils/crayons in diverse colours.

• A notebook

What to do:

Pay attention to your body. Spend a few minutes a few times a day just observing what you notice in your body. Breathe in so that you feel your tummy rise and notice the feeling of your chest expanding. Hold the breath for a moment and then gently let it go. Notice what it feels like to leave your body.
After 5 in and out breaths, notice your body touching the chair (if you are sitting). If you are lying notice your body touching the surface you are lying on. If you are standing notice your feet touching the floor/ground.
Notice anything else happening in your body. Is your stomach rumbling? Do you have pain or tightness anywhere?
Make some notes in your notebook about what you felt and whether that was comfortable or not.
This may not happen immediately, but you will notice that you start to become aware of body sensations when you are thinking things. For example: you may be feeling rushed to get something done and become aware of tension, heat, cold, numbness, or any other sensation in a part of your body. Pay attention to that.
When you can, note these down in your notebook and mark on the body outline where you felt the sensations in your body. Use whatever colour seems best to match that sensation.
Keep practising breathing and being aware of your body and noting down things you are noticing in your body at different times.
Over time you will find it easer to do this and may start to be aware of how certain emotions are felt in your body and be able to identify them from what you are feeling in your body.
If at any time you feel overwhelmed with this exploration then seek the assistance of a trauma trained professional.

HOW THIS EXERCISE CAN HELP YOU

This exercise is not a cure for trauma, but it is helpful for learning how to be aware of your body. Many people who do not have trauma histories are not aware of their bodies. Our culture does not teach this skill, and many miss out on learning it.

If you have trauma then it is useful to seek help from a trauma trained professional.

CAN I HELP YOU?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma and/or learning how to be aware of your body, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Alexithymia. What is it and do I have it?

A lot of people who come to see me about difficulties with life have alexithymia.

Alexithymia basically means you have problems feeling, identifying and expressing emotions. The word comes from Ancient Greek and means no words for emotion.

Researchers consider 1 in 10 people have this condition, so it is relatively common.

There are some conditions associated with Alexithymia. Autism is the best known, but people with Childhood PTSD, depression and a trauma history are also noted to have it.

WHAT ARE SOME OF THE SIGNS OF ALEXITHYMIA?

What might you notice if you have alexithymia?

• You find it hard to understand what emotions you are experiencing

• It is hard to communicate your emotions to others

• Difficult to understand you own internal thoughts and feelings

• Difficulty identifying bodily sensations and the emotions they are connected to

• Difficulty identifying the emotions in others and responding to them

• Difficulty understanding the nonverbal communication of others

• You may experience difficulties with imagination

• You may have a thinking style that is logical and rigid and does not factor in emotions

• You may find it hard to cope with stress

• You may be less altruistic than other people

• You may find it hard connecting and relaxing with others and may appear to them to be distant, rigid and humourless.

• You may feel little satisfaction with your life.

WHAT PEOPLE EXPERIENCE

One person I spoke with described alexithymia as feeling an emotion in her body but her brain not being told about it. She experienced a disconnection between the sensations she was feeling in her body and her ability to understand and share with others what emotion was attached to those sensations. In other words, she found it difficult to identify and describe her emotions.

Another person I worked with used to journal what she was feeling in her body and anything happening around her or with her at the same time. Over time she identified sensations she understood to be certain emotions.

For example, she used to feel a pleasant sensation in the centre of her chest and found she experienced it whenever she thought about her children. She realised she was feeling love.

On occasion she would feel a funny bubbly feeling in her stomach that felt like it would explode. She realised this feeling came up when she was anticipating wonderful things about to happen. She realised she was excited.

She learned to attach the feelings to the emotions she had identified. But she is a long way from understanding all her feelings and she is still caught out by body sensations she has not learned to understand.

Not all people with alexithymia are able to learn to identify their emotions. But it can be worth trying. You never know, you may be able to learn to identify them.

WHY DO SOME PEOPLE NOT LEARN TO IDENTIFY THEIR EMOTIONS?

Children learn to identify their emotions from their parents. Parents help children identify what they are feeling by naming the emotions they are feeling. When children feel safe in their environment they are able to learn to identify all the times they feel a certain emotion. As time goes on they can identify new emotions because they have learned that body sensations are linked to emotions and will search to understand new body sensations.

If a child is not interacted with in that way then it is difficult for them to learn this.

Neurodivergent children learn differently and need different approaches to teach them. If a child is identified as being neurodivergent they can be directed to programs to help them learn.

HOW DOES TRAUMA IMPACT LEARNING TO IDENTIFY EMOTIONS?

For children raised in trauma situations there is often no one to help them understand the array of emotions they feel. Also, trauma is terrifying. Fear activates protective responses in the brain that turn off conscious thinking in order to defend from danger. When the conscious brain is turned off then it is not possible to be aware of emotions, let alone understand them.

Additionally, there is frequently no one to help the child later to process the array of emotions they have just experienced. It is quite likely in those situations that the body sensations become linked to the trauma experience and suppressed.

Another way child don’t learn to understand their feelings is when children feel certain emotions and are overridden by adults in their life. An example may be when a child is afraid of something and are told not to be so silly and are forced to do what they are frightened of. Another example is when a child doesn’t want to play with someone because they feel uncomfortable around them and are told they are being ridiculous and forced to go play.

In both the above examples, the child’s feelings are dismissed and overridden. This causes the child to believe their internal feelings are not valid. That leads to them not trusting what they feel in their own bodies. So the child learns to ignore what they are feeling and can no longer identify what emotions they are experiencing.

Adults who have never learned to identify their emotions can become expert at shutting off contact with their bodies. For them, being asked what they are feeling in their bodies becomes impossible and stressful. They don’t know how to feel what is in their bodies. When they try they feel overwhelming fear because opening up their contact with their bodies releases a lifetime of locked away terrifying emotions.

CAN I LEARN TO FEEL MY EMOTIONS?

Yes, you can. It is not easy but you can. How do I know? Because I learned to do it once I became an adult. It took a long time, and a lot of healing, but I did it.

HOW I CAN HELP YOU

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to understand your emotions, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

4 ways to feel so you can heal

When people come to see me about the difficulties in their lives I teach them to be more aware of their own thoughts, emotions, reactions and body sensations that occur when they encounter difficulties.

There is a reason for this.

Many years ago, John Bradshaw wrote that you cannot heal what you cannot feel.

Many have sought to debunk this statement, but the reality is that pushing the difficult feelings down so you think you aren’t aware of feeling them, does not allow healing.

The difficult feelings are still there, even when you can’t consciously feel them. And those difficult feelings have a massive impact on your behaviour and reaction to things.

DO YOU WANT TO BE FREE OF THESE REACTIONS TO THINGS THAT YOU CAN’T CONTROL?

Here is what I teach you to do. It is based on the RAIN meditation as taught by Tara Brach.

Recognise or become aware of your emotions. This includes being aware of what is happening in your body. a. What sensations can you feel? b. Where do you feel them? c. What do they feel like? d. What are the thoughts in your mind?
Acknowledge and name what you are feeling. This is important as you cannot address the emotions if you aren’t able to identify them. Also, naming your emotions helps you to separate them from you personally.
Investigate or explore those feelings. This is important to understand where they come from. It is helpful to consider how old the one expressing the thoughts is. Reactions to things come from past events when a difficult incident has become embedded unresolved in your memory. When incidents occur that are similar to the original incident you react according to that unresolved memory.
Nurture yourself. Offer yourself compassion and kind words of comfort.

Let me share this in a more expanded form.

PROTEST OR TRANSFORM?

Becoming aware of your emotions is important. So often you may feel upset, uncomfortable, angry and not know why. Your rational brain may be telling yourself you are being silly. You may feel alarm because in the past these feelings have led you to behave in ways that have damaged relationships.

I have been taught that when I face difficulties in life there are two choices:

• Protest and push through

• Transform and stop to explore what I am feeling.

Protesting means you just push forward and push the emotions down. You may react in ways you wish you hadn’t. You just push forward and keep going. And this situation repeats and repeats until you do something to get help.

RAIN

Transforming means you stop. You allow yourself time to explore what is happening for you.

You follow the path of RAIN.

RECOGNISE WHAT YOU ARE FEELING

You seek to become aware of what you are feeling. You become aware of the sensations in your body, their location, the type of sensation they are, the words or phrases running through your mind. All these are valuable for you to understand what is happening.

If you take the time, you will realise what you are actually feeling.

Don’t be afraid of those feelings. All feelings are okay. They are vital clues to what is happening for you. They are clues to unresolved issues from the past. Issues that continue to influence the way you react to things.

ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEELINGS

Now you have taken the time to identify your feelings you can name them.

This naming is not a shameful or condemning thing to do. It is about recognising without judgement that perfectly understandable feelings you are experiencing.

You may be feeling angry, hurt, confused, shame, fear and so on.

INVESTIGATE YOUR FEELINGS

You have named your feelings, now you are going to investigate them further.

• Where did those feelings come from?

• Are there any memories that come to mind when you investigate those feelings?

• What do those phrases in your head say?

You have found a memory – now it is time to go deeper and explore more of that memory.

• How old were you?

• What was happening for you?

• What were you feeling then?

• Is it reasonable to judge yourself at that age, circumstance?

AN EXPLORATION INTO THE PAST

Often when you explore the source of feelings you find their source is an incident from your childhood.

Looking back now you can realise the child’s feelings and experience were normal for a child of that age and developmental stage. You can see the child you were as a small child who needed support and understanding. You can see that you can’t judge them from an adult perspective, because they were a child. You can recognise that the thoughts the child had are based on the child’s limited understanding of the world. As an adult you can give a different interpretation to the situation and not judge the child for what happened.

NOW YOU UNDERSTAND YOU CAN COMFORT

The natural thing to do now is the offer comfort to that small child. You are the adult looking back at an incident in your childhood. You can recognise that truth of the situation and that the child needed an adult to offer support and love.

You are the adult. It is time for you to comfort the child.

So offer them words of love and support.

“My darling that was so scary.”

“you were so confused.”

“it’s okay now. I am here. I’ve got this.”

THERE ARE MANY WAYS YOU CAN CALM YOURSELF

Comforting yourself as I described above is a really great way to calm yourself.

Mediation can really help to. Guided ones are great ways to start.

Learning Mindfulness is important to help you be able to recognise what is going on in your body. You can also meditate using Mindfulness. At the end of this post I have a link to sign up for my newsletter. Signing up gives you access to a quick mindfulness meditation you may like to try.

You can also try painting. I don’t mean painting some masterpiece. I just mean putting your feelings on to paper. You can swirl paint around. You can paint lines, dots, circles, squiggles, cover the page with paint, mix it all together into a muddy clump. You can use your fingers. Just allow yourself to put on the page what you need to let go of. Remember, if you feel like painting figures, stick figures are fantastic.

Journalling can be another outlet as well.

EXERCISE AND FUN ARE IMPORTANT TOO

You may find taking a walk calming, especially if you walk amongst the trees or on a beach.

Swimming, any form of exercise, yoga, stretches. There are myriad ways you can move.

Remember the importance of just having fun. Laughing with friends or family, throwing a ball around, trying to ride a unicycle!, anything that is fun. Just being able to forget your worries and responsibilities and have fun with others.

WATCHING YOUR DIET

Making sure you eat foods low in sugar is important. As is avoiding too many take aways. Add lots of vegetables into your diet. The healthier your diet, the better you feel.

Restricting sugary drinks and not drinking excessive amounts of alcohol are also helpful.

When your body is trying to cope with excess amount of sugar, too much alcohol for your liver to comfortably process and foods that your body struggles to process and dispose of the waste from, you will not feel well.

Increasingly research is demonstrating a link between your bowel and your brain. The quality of your diet has a massive impact on how you are feeling emotionally.

HOW COUNSELLING CAN HELP

When things in your life have been overwhelming and leave you struggling, it can be hard to recover without specialised help.

Seeing a counsellor specialised in treating these difficulties, which are all referred to as trauma, is important. Do check that the person you want to see is trained in treating trauma. You can’t just repeat sentences every day and hope the trauma can go away.

You don’t have faulty schemas in your head that need correcting. You have painful memories that need to be allowed to be expressed and healed. This does not mean you have to revisit painful memories, just that you need to be able to access the memories stored in your body and release them.

A properly trained counsellor can help you to learn how to calm yourself and feel safe.

When you are able to feel safe you can then learn how to safely heal those difficult memories.

BLUE KNOT FOUNDATION

The Blue Knot Foundation in Australia is the peak body on childhood trauma and runs training for mental health practitioners. Their training and the practice guidelines they have written are internationally renowned.

I have completed many years of Blue Knot Training and follow their practice guidelines in my work.

CAN I HELP?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au