Trauma – Page 4

How to Speak Your Truth When Your Abuser Has Died

So many people come to see me come after the death of their abuser.

They feel anger at the way this person was spoken about at the funeral.

That can be really hard. It can feel very disempowering, as though your voice is silenced and your experience doesn’t matter.

There seems to be a reluctance to be honest about people at their funerals. At some funerals I have attended it would seem the person who died was a saint when I knew they weren’t.

ABUSERS CAN PRESENT AS LOVELY TO OTHER PEOPLE

It is a sad fact of life that the person who abused you, who was awful to you, may well have been charming and seemingly wonderful to others.

So often you can feel you aren’t able to speak up about the way your abuser treated you in life.

I can relate to that. I sat through my mother’s funeral wondering if I was at the right funeral. The person being described was not the person I knew. It was not the abuser I knew.

HOW DO I MOVE FORWARD?

In learning to live after my mother’s death I had to accept that to other people she probably was a wonderful person.

Her inability to be a loving, caring supportive mother. Her inability to protect me from my abusive father. Her inability to attune to me or love me. These were all things that existed in the relationship she formed with me. They did not exist in the relationship she had with other people, even my siblings.

It can be hard to speak up at your abuser’s funeral. You may find you are removed from the funeral if you speak up. Or you may find others refute what you have said. Or you may not yet feel empowered enough to speak up.

Sometimes you need to find other ways to express what you want to say.

SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH

When I spoke to a counsellor I was able to tell her the things I wanted to say at my mother’s funeral but couldn’t. In counselling I often act as the witness to the story people want to tell about their past. And that is one way you can express what you want to say.

I wrote a letter to my siblings about my experience with my mother and they totally rejected it. Some people do the same thing and it is helpful. But it is important to bear in mind that others may not be willing to accept your story and may reject it.

I have had conversations with my mother, imagining she is standing in front of me, telling her how angry and hurt I was at her behaviour. I found that helpful. Others report the same experience. Again it can be helpful to have that conversation in a counselling session where it can be witnessed. I often guide people through doing this and then assist with letting the words go.

Another approach is to write a letter to your abuser, telling them everything you want to say to them. After writing the letter you can post it. Alternatively you can tear the letter up. Another approach is to burn the letter. I burned the letter I wrote to my mother.

Other people like to hold small ceremonies to express what they need to say about their abuser and letting them go.

Drawing or painting can be a way to let go of that person and express what you need to about them. Again I painted my feelings towards my mother and then burned what I had painted.

WHY IT IS IMPORTANT TO EXPRESS YOUR TRUTH

It is important to express what you need to express to your abuser. This allows you to move on in life and live without their energy impacting on you. You deserve to be free.

WHERE YOU CAN GO FOR HELP

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with speaking your truth about your abuser and living a life free of their energy, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

How to Manage Stressful Family Christmases

Christmas is coming.

Life is busy.

If you share in a group Christmas with family or friends then there are presents to buy.

There is food to arrange and buy.

There may be Christmas Cards, the annual Christmas email or other contacts to be done.

You may have work deadlines to be meet.

You may be out of work and looking for new work.

Stress levels are high.

You may be worried about missing family members.

You may also be worrying about having to see family members you don’t particularly get along with.

The last thing you need with all the stresses just getting to Christmas is to have to deal with difficult family situations.

You may feel pressured to meet with friends/family out of a sense of obligation.

For many people, meeting with family means being shoved into a family role that you don’t fit.

This can be distressing, frustrating, even traumatising.

There may be too many family secrets you are forced to keep to find anything enjoyable or relaxing about being with family this Christmas.

You may find that your sense of Who you Are is severely challenged by being caught up in the family’s expectations of who you are and how you should behave. Often, your family’s idea of who you are is claustrophobic and triggering.

You may find yourself switching from a strong confident person, to a powerless mess who is unable to set healthy boundaries around your family’s behaviours.

You may find that no matter how firm you are, they just ignore your boundaries.

There are a number of things you can do to manage this

Do you think there is a solution to this family problem? If you do then there are some strategies you can try. I will list them further down this blog.

You may have already tried many strategies and come to the conclusion that the only approach is to put up with them or not go at all.

WHAT IF YOU DON’T GO?

Maybe you will decide it is not worth the stress and you would rather do something else.

Do you have your own immediate family such as a partner, children? Maybe you can try staying home with them and planning your own Christmas.

DECIDING TO GO WHEN THERE ARE CRITICISERS THERE

When family members are unpleasant it is often because you are sensitive to their approval. They are more than happy to make you jump through hoops to get fragments of approval.

Come prepared. Don’t expect their approval. Expect them to be negative. Maybe enlist someone who can support you.

If you feel able. Prepare firm but caring responses to the type of negative comments you expect them to give.

For example: Do they make comments about what you are wearing? Maybe they make a comment about you dressing down for the occasion. Rehearse responses such as: “I like to be comfortable.” Or “I like my outfit and I will wear it when I want to.” You may prefer to take a firmer approach. “I can see it matters to you to give an opinion on my outfit, but I wear clothes to suit me and I don’t seek anyone else’s opinion”. “You frequently make comments about what I wear. I am not interested in your opinion. I wear clothes for me, not for approval.”

These are suggestions of what you might say. If you can find a family member to support you, they may have ideas of something you can say.

Remember, you want to set a boundary so you just need to say something that will communicate to them that their comments are not accepted.

DECIDING TO GO WHEN THERE ARE ORGANISERS THERE

Another problem family member is the one who thinks you are their personal slave. You arrive and are bombarded with instructions on what you are to do. That is fine if everyone is working together to put the party together. However, if you are constantly given the awful jobs you may need to say something such as:

“Every year you give me the same thing to do, this year I want to do (nominate what you want to do) so that is what I will be doing.” If they want to argue, for example: “xx always likes to do that” you can always respond “it is time we all did different jobs”.

If you are the one picked on and others get to sit and relax, may be you need to respond differently. Maybe you can say “I am happy to help you for a few minutes later, but right now I have just arrived and I would like a chance to say hello to everyone and catch my breath.” Make sure later you only help for a few minutes.

It can be really helpful to enlist the support of another family member to back you up. And remember to rehearse your boundary setting statements. You are there to set a boundary and your communication needs to say that. You don’t have to explain yourself, just set that boundary.

WHEN A PAST ABUSER IS PRESENT

This one is very tricky. If your family know about the abuse and still support the other person then they have made a choice to support your abuser. They may claim they are remaining neutral. But sitting on the fence and declaring you are neutral when the elephant is squashing the mouse is not neutral from the mouse’s perspective. By doing nothing you sitting on the fence is supporting the elephant.

Many people fail to understand that allowing such behaviour to continue actually condones the behaviour.

You need to decide whether you can face seeing your abuser. If you can’t, then you may need to find alternative arrangements for Christmas.

You do not have to go to a family gathering when someone who has abused you is there and people are ignoring what has happened.

DO YOU NEED HELP?

It may be you need help to face the coming Christmas. You may need to talk through past trauma. You may need some strategies to cope with a difficult family member. You may need support to decide you will not go.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your family christmas, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Jung and the Gold you Hide Inside

You may have heard of the term “shadow self”.

It refers to the parts of yourself that you don’t like and don’t show the world. The part you believe is bad.

Or that is what you have been taught to believe about your shadow self.

WHAT IS THE TRUE SHADOW SELF THEN?

When you are a small child, you learn how to live in the world of your family and wider society.

You are told what you should and shouldn’t do by your parents.

If your parents both work, you will be cared for by other people and you will be told what you should and shouldn’t do by those carers.

The web of people who influence your perception of self in your early years can be quite extensive … and destructive to self.

You will be praised when you do what others perceive as good and punished for what they perceive as being bad. But what you are doing is not necessarily good or bad. It is just what the person caring for you thinks is good or bad.

THE LITTLE GIRL AND THE HARRIED TEACHER

An example is a little girl I once saw who came to school bursting with excitement because she had learned to count to 20 over the weekend. This little 5 year old had just started school and was learning basic numbers. She was excited at that achievement. So she told her teacher.

The teacher was doing something else at the time, which the little girl did not have the developmental maturity to realise. To the little girl’s horror, the teacher reacted by slapping her leg and telling her to be quiet (I might add this occurred a few decades ago). What she had perceived as being something exciting to tell others about had become something shameful.

She never told anyone about her accomplishments again. She consigned that beautiful curiosity and zest for learning to her shadow as unacceptable and kept quiet about what she knew.

CHILDREN HIDE WHAT THEY BELIEVE IS UNACCEPTABLE.

Children will hide away what they believe is unacceptable.

But what they are doing is not necessarily bad, it is just not what the adult in their life wants.

It may be an inconvenient time, as with the teacher.

It may be the child is exhibiting strengths the adult is jealous of, so the adult shuts them down. Yes, it does happen … a lot.

It may be the adult was shamed about similar behaviour when a child and shuts the child down out of fear they will be shamed.

As an adult you may be able to recognise the motives of others, or put their behaviour down to them being wrong. But a child doesn’t have the knowledge of life to be able to do that. The child hides the parts because they believe they are unacceptable. Then they forget about them.

WHAT YOU HIDE TRIES TO UNHIDE

These hidden parts often reveal themselves later in life when you find yourself admiring things others do. You admire what you have in yourself that you have forgotten. Your admiration is longing for the part you hid. It is the call by your subconscious of that part to come out of hiding.

THE GOLDEN SIDE OF YOUR SHADOW

Other strengths develop due to early traumas. A lot of people don’t realise that they survived because of strengths they possessed or developed.

It is worth noting that hiding your strengths because you are told they are bad causes you to doubt yourself. This causes you to question everything you do. Often, uncovering your golden shadow and reclaiming those strengths you hid is an important empowering step to take.

It is important to be proud of your shadow side. It is said that your shadow is where your healing and pain meet the gifts you have to offer others. Pretty powerful stuff. Embrace it and be proud.

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU CONTINUE TO SUPPRESS YOUR GOLDEN SHADOW?

When you suppress your golden shadow, either deliberately or subconsciously, you will find your life full of problems, anxiety, depression, addictions, illnesses and perceived failures. You may not realise it, but your subconscious knows you are not living life true to yourself and it doesn’t like it.

4 WAYS TO DISCOVER YOUR GOLDEN SHADOW

Notice where you feel envious of the abilities and qualities other people possess. You envy most the things you see in others that you yourself possess but have repressed.
What do you admire and idolise most in others? You admire most in others what you yourself possess. There is great creative potential here for you to be guided by that understanding to uncover your own abilities. When you admire others you are admiring the disowned aspects of your own unique potential.
Insecurities and feelings of unworthiness are another guide to your abilities. Did you know that not knowing your power creates insecurity. The parts where you feel the most wounded or where you feel something is wrong with you are indicators of your greatest abilities. When you have hidden a strength because you felt it was wrong you feel insecure. Insecurity creates a sense of unworthiness and emptiness. If you know your strengths you will have the space of gratitude for your own talents and to live in that strength. Then you will be able to reduce your self-doubt.
Flip the script on your perceived faults. If you re-examine your beliefs about what is good and bad you may reveal strengths that have been disguising themselves as burdens. Look at your dark side and seek the treasures there instead of seeing that side as being negative and bad. Examples are to see introversion as a positive instead of a negative thing that holds you back. Another is to see what others tell you is laziness as the wonderful ability to relax. If you look at the opposites you will realise there is always more than one side to everything. Explore this and seek the positive.

HOW CAN I RELEASE MY GOLDEN SHADOW?

Your subconscious may hide your golden shadow, but it also tries to alert you to its presence. Work on healing the wounds of your past. Decide to choose strength over weakness, love over fear and inspiration over depression. Embrace your golden shadow. You will find a lot of your problems no longer exist.

Instead you will find you develop confidence, self-love, inner beauty, creativity and gratitude. All these contribute to you making positive choices in your life.

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE PEOPLE WHO WILL BE JEALOUS BUT KEEP GOING – YOU HAVE THE POWER

As you embark on your own healing journey, be aware that there are always people in life who will feel threatened by your aliveness and try to damp it down or destroy it. It happened when you were a small child and it can happen now in adulthood. Just be aware of this and don’t fall for the destructive attempts of others. Hold your power and stand firm in it.

You may find being your true self is unfamiliar and frightening. After all, you have lived a different way so far in life. You learned early that fitting in was the safest thing to do. But fitting in is what brought you safety as a child when you needed to be looked after. You are an adult now. You can look after yourself.

Step out in your own true self and your own power. This may make your vulnerable to the reactions of others who feel threatened by your abilities. Do not expect approval for your glorious traits from such people. Look instead to other golden people who will appreciate your golden gifts. In other words, find your tribe.

BE YOUR OWN CHEER SQUAD

Choose to recognise, reclaim and express your great gifts and be delighted in yourself. Hang in there. There are people out there who will appreciate what you have to give.

Enlist the creativity and support of your own imagination. It is a great healer, so make the most of yours.

No matter what you have been told in life, you do have an imagination. Use it.

ALLOW YOUR IMAGINATION TO RESTRUCTURE PAST HURTFUL EVENTS

In your imagination go back to those past incidents when things did not go well and you suppressed those positive traits and were made to feel weak, small, unworthy and afraid. Imagine you making a different choice and run with it.

The magical thing about your mind is that the subconscious mind will not know if your imagining is reality or imagination.

Live those past traumatic events in the new power you are imagining you have. Say your piece, fight back, even call in allies (real or spiritual) to assist you.

Imaging bringing that spiritual strength you possess into those past traumatic times. Write them down, draw them, paint them, create them if that helps.

Believe you have redeemed those moments, because in your imagination you have. Allow the power you display in your imagination to shine and let your body be run by that power. Now let your golden shadow shine bright.

THE PATH IS ROCKY BUT WORTH IT

Note that entering your shadow side can be difficult. You first need to go down into those dark things you think you should hide. But exploring those and choosing to see them from a different perspective will reveal your golden shadow. Once you unleash that, you will discover so much more that you hid. This is an ongoing process, not a once only thing. Keep searching. Discover your true golden strengths.

NEED HELP? I CAN HELP YOU

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with discovering your Golden Side and healing, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Positive Changes after Bereavement: Is that actually possible?

In my last blog on Grief, I talked about how you can grow from grief. It sounds bizarre to suggest that something so horrible can lead to positive growth, but it can.

It is important to note that not everyone who grieves will experience positive growth. But a lot of people do.

POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH

You may have heard the term “post traumatic growth”.

This term has been gaining popularity amongst workers in the trauma field. It is the idea that trauma is not always negative. It can also have a positive aspect where the person grows in a positive direction as they recover from their trauma.

BUT THIS IS TRAUMA I AM TALKING ABOUT, NOT GRIEF.

Grief is a traumatic experience and it is included in discussions about post traumatic growth.

Trauma is a highly stressful event that often results in a negative response. Researchers have found that your brain manages the stress in the same way that positive changes can be made in the brain.

What this means is that it is possible after a highly distressing traumatic event to have negative and positive growth.

It is well known that crises in life lead to distressing emotions and it is not unusual for you as you experience these emotions to feel anxious and frightened. You may also feel sad and depressed. These feelings can continue for a long time.

Grief is one of these life crises and it is well known that sadness, a deep longing (otherwise known as yearning) for the person and wishing the person was still alive are common. Feelings of guilt, anger and irritability are also commonly observed in people who are grieving and you may be experiencing these feelings too.

These same experiences are also common in people who have suffered other traumas.

HOW CAN I GROW WHEN I AM SO DEVASTATED?

There is a widespread that trauma always results in negative consequences to the traumatised person. But research has also shown that growth also occurs. In short, that distress you feel can coexist with growth.

Many people feel they go backwards when they suffer grief and for a time that is probably true. But post traumatic growth is not just a return to the way you were, it is actually an improvement that in some people is very obvious.

IS POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH THE SAME A RESILIENCE?

Before I answer that question it is important to acknowledge that grief is not just an intellectual pursuit. Many people try to intellectualise it and fail. Grief is also experiential. You need to allow yourself to experience it in order to process it.

Resilience and Post Traumatic Growth, along with hardiness, optimism and a sense of coherence are personal characteristics that provide the ability of the individual to manage difficulties effectively.

Resilience is the ability to bounce back and continue with life after a difficult event.

Hardiness is an ability to commit to things, control self and face challenges that occur in life. Characteristics of hardiness are considered to be curiosity, being proactive, having a strong belief in your personal effectiveness and being willing to face challenges positively.

Optimism is where you consider positive outcomes will occur … eventually.

A Sense of Coherence is where you have the ability to understand events, can cope with them and even find meaning in them.

Post Traumatic Growth refers to the ability to change and not be damaged by life’s stressful events. This is where you are able to transform your life.

WHAT GRIEF TRAUMA DOES TO YOU

Grief trauma causes you to be somebody else. After a traumatic event it is not possible to go back to being the you that you were before.

It causes you to rethink all that you have previously believed about the reliability and fairness of your world.

You may find the people you thought would stand by you melt away and the ones who support you were people on the periphery of your friend circle. So many people report family rifts opening up and long term friendships ending.

All these changes in the people around you add to the sense of the world you knew ceasing to exist.

You are likely to experience a loss of trust in the certainty and positivity of life.

HOW DO I GROW FROM THAT?

When you suffer such a traumatic event it will always be remembered as traumatic. How can it be okay that this person you loved so much has died?

What researchers have found happens is that, without making a decision to, you will over time make meaning out of this traumatic event.

HOW DOES POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH WORK?

There is within everyone a drive to survive. That drive is now known to continue to operate in the brain even when there is a trauma being experienced. In other words, your desire to survive is existing in your brain alongside your distress as this traumatic event.

This is how it is possible to derive meaning from the event, even when it is so distressing.

As your brain works to survive this distress, your brain is also finding new understandings of the world. It is coming to terms with the uncertainty and unfairness of the world and the changes in support networks that may have occurred.

What this means is that you grow in the aftermath of grief because of your brain seeking to comprehend the new reality of your life with the loss of the person you love, the loss of trust in the world and the loss of some support networks.

WHAT DOES POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH LOOK LIKE?

People who report experiencing this growth report they:

• Feel an increased appreciation of life in general

• Develop more meaningful interpersonal relationships

• Possess an increased sense of personal strength

• Experience changed priorities, and

• Have a richer existential and spiritual life

WHAT SUPPORT CAN I OFFER YOU TO FACILITATE YOUR POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH?

Research has shown that post traumatic growth can be aided by the presence of supportive others to listen, assist you to craft narratives about what has happened and help you explore different perspectives. I will not tell you that in your initial sessions. It is just a process I understand you may undertake at some time.

At first you are likely to be feeling very emotional. You may spend more time crying than talking. That is totally normal and my counselling sessions are safe places for you to cry and express your emotions.

There will come a time when you will be ready to talk about other things some of the time.

REBUILDING YOUR WORLD

Because grief shatters your world you have to rebuild it. Part of this process is examining what the world means to you now. This is an existential experience and you need a counsellor who is comfortable with existential processes. As an existential therapist I am very comfortable with those at times difficult explorations. I can hold that space for you as you explore beliefs and concepts that may seem strange and even scary.

You may experience spiritual challenges and you need someone comfortable with those discussions. This is something I am very experienced in.

TELLING YOUR STORY

It is also important you are able to tell your story and be heard. Society often imposes limits on what the bereaved person is able to share. Many people feel constrained to share their feelings and are afraid to cry in public.

Being heard involves being allowed to talk without the other person telling you their story, or trying to solve your problem, or trying to offer platitudes such as “they are in a better place”, “its all for the best” and so on.

I will listen. I may ask you questions to help you to explore things further, and I will definitely summarise what you are telling me so that you can be sure I am listening to you.

FINDING THE SAFE PLACE TO EXPRESS YOURSELF

It is vital you are able to find somewhere where it is safe and acceptable to cry and share your feelings. Where it is acceptable to share and reshare your stories. This process is vital for processing your grief.

Different people have different needs around how much sharing is needed. Some people are fortunate enough to find a group of family/friends or a support group to allow them to talk and cry without censure. This type of support needs to be long term and consistent. It is unhelpful if family or friends become tired of hearing the stories and stop being supportive. It is also unhelpful if sometimes you get support and other times you are shut down.

Connection to a mutual support group can also be helpful. Being able to share with others who have been through what you are experiencing can help you feel okay to accept new ways of being.

CRAFTING A NARRATIVE

Narratives form a large part of your life and how you see yourself in the world. From family stories of events to your own stories of experiences you are always constructing stories (narratives) about your life. When someone you love dies you will construct many stories about their death, the events that occurred after that, the events in your life together and stories told to you by other people.

In a session with me you will be encouraged to share the narratives that seem important to you. You may not be aware you are doing it. Telling me about the events around your loved one’s death may not seem to be a narrative, but it is.

Narratives are useful in that they guide you to examine questions of meaning around your loved one’s death.

Narratives are not just facts of the events, they also include a lot of emotions. Sharing your narrative allows you to explore those emotions in a supportive environment.

RUMINATION AND HOW IT HELPS

Rumination is often seen as a negative in mental health. This is because the act of replaying negative stories and thoughts (rumination) is seen as being detrimental in depression.

Grief, however, is not depression. The sadness around grief may look like depression but it is not.

People with depression are discouraged from thinking about the negative thoughts.

With grief, however, researchers have discovered that this constant rehashing of events and feelings is beneficial in helping you to make sense of events, problem solve, reminisce and anticipate the future.

According to these researchers rumination in grief and other traumas is conscious, revolves around the event, and involves seeking to achieve a goal or the sorrow around a goal that has not been achieved.

In grief you are thinking about the past and that is something that needs to be worked through. You will also think about the present and the things now that are impacting you. They also need processing. You will also be worrying about what may happen in the future.

THERE ARE ALWAYS MORE LOSSES THAN JUST THE DEATH OF YOUR LOVED ONE.

As you process your thoughts about the loss of your loved one, you will reflect on past events and process anything that has remained unfinished. That is important in processing the grief.

You will also process the things that won’t happen. Examples include:

• You may never achieve your goal of a wonderful trip you had planned with your loved one.

• You may never get to grow old together.

• You may never have children together, or grandchildren, depending on your age.

These losses need to be processed as well.

BEFORE, AFTER AND THE POINT IT ALL CHANGED

In time you will likely find you divide your past into the time before your loved one died, the event of their death, and the time after. You will likely reflect late that the event of their death was a turning point in your life. Nothing was ever the same again. This doesn’t mean the turning point was something positive. It just was a point when your life changed.

There may come a point where you are able to recover the self esteem you may have lost as a result of your grief. You may find you wake up one day and realise you want to make changes in your life and you have the power to do that.

You may also accept the importance of looking after your needs. Part of this process may involve ending relationships that don’t help you anymore.

You will most likely realise that you are responsible for your own healing and your own journey.

None of this is easy, but it is possible if you want it. Enlisting the support of a trained grief counsellor to guide you through can really help.

HOW TO CONTACT ME

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Mental Illness v Mental Injury

I was challenged by an online video by Luke Chao.

In it he discussed the terms mental illness and mental injury.

He spoke about the way we perceive accidents involving physical injury compared to accidents that involve mental impacts.

A PHYSICAL INJURY

He gave a scenario where you are walking down the street and someone runs up to you and slashes your arm. You are hurt and bleeding but you are not sick. Apart from the injury to your arm you are otherwise healthy. No one blames you for being slashed. After all, that is victim blaming, something we are increasingly aware of and seek to avoid doing.

COMPARE THIS TO A MENTAL INJURY

But someone who is suffering from a mental injury is not given the same respect. If you developed PTSD as a result of this random attack you would be described as being mentally ill. This implies that there is something wrong with you, rather than there being something wrong with the people around you or your environment. In the case of the slashed arm, something is wrong with the person who randomly decided to slash your arm.

Suddenly you are being victim blamed. But isn’t that something we try to avoid doing these days?

PHYSICAL INJURIES BUT MENTAL ILLNESS

If you have arthritis in your knee but are otherwise healthy, you just have arthritis in your knee.

If you have anxiety about social situations but are otherwise healthy, you are mentally ill.

Using the term mentally ill suggests there is something wrong with you as a person. The connotation drawn from that term is that you have something wrong with you and you are ill.

Why is there such a difference between physical ailments and psychological ailments?

WHAT COUNSELLOR’S STUDY IN THEIR BACHELOR DEGREES

Luke’s comments reminded me of the rationale behind the subjects I studied in my counselling degree. We not only studied counselling, but also psychology (to better understand behaviour) and sociology (to better understand the environment). We were always taught that we needed to understand the context of a person’s environment and the impact of the people around them to understand what was happening to them.

A HORRIBLE WAY FOR YOU TO BE TREATED

If you walk into my practice room and I just see you as mentally ill, then that implies I just see you as being wrong, at fault.

If I see you as being the cause of your suffering then I don’t look further than you. I pathologise your suffering. I look for dysfunction in you and set out to correct it.

THE WAY I TREAT YOU

But that is not what I do.

Instead, I see your suffering as the result of an injury that has resulted in a completely normal reaction to abnormal circumstances. Sometimes there is more than one injury. Sometimes the injury keeps happening again and again, or has in the past happened again and again.

I look at your environment, including the people in that environment. I look to see how that impacts on you and your suffering.

I believe every person who walks through my door is someone who has been injured as a result of abnormal circumstances. I see you as being a healthy individual who is coping as best you can with a wound.

Interestingly the Greek word for wound is trauma.

Makes sense doesn’t it.

NEED HELP WITH YOUR MENTAL INJURY?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your mental injury, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

R U OK?

Today is RUOK day.

RUOK day is not only about reminding you that you have the power to help others, but also a reminder to seek help is you are not OK.

Helping others is not just the preserve of those of us who specialise in mental health. We all can help others.

Today I am going to talk about how to ask others if they are OK.

Then I am going to talk about how you can get help if you are not OK.

Most people will not ask for help. Such help seeking is pretty taboo in our society. Have you ever been taught even the basics of a foreign language? If you have you will no doubt have started with how to greet another person. Hello. I am xxx. How are you? And you will not doubt have been taught the response: I am well thankyou.

This is the hidden message of our culture. Don’t tell others how you are feeling!

I am sure you have met people who will avoid any discussions that are hard. These are the people who will avoid responding to your tentative words reaching out for help. Or who will respond with comments designed to stop the conversation.

If you are in that position, don’t give up. Later in this blog I will talk about what you can do to be heard.

WHAT SHOULD I BE LOOKING FOR IN THOSE AROUND ME TO INDICATE I NEED TO ASK RUOK?

Because of the taboos in our society on reaching out to others, it is unlikely a person who needs help will tell you – unless you ask.

The following are times in a person’s life when they might need a little bit of extra help:

• When a relationship has ended or there are difficulties in that relationship.

• When the person is going through stressful times, or there has been an increase in the stress in their life.

• When there are financial difficulties.

• When there are major changes in the person’s life either at home or work.

• When someone/thing they care about has been lost.

• When there is a major health issue.

• Any time you notice someone is struggling.

SIGNS A PERSON IS STRUGGLING

• Things they are saying, especially if they are different:

 o    They may not be making any sense when they talk, as though they are confused.

 o    They may tell you they can’t cope or feel things are out of control.

 o    They may criticise others or themselves.

 o    You may get the impression they are feeling trapped or in emotional pain.

 o    They may tell you they feel lonely or are a burden to others.

• Things they are doing that may be different:

 o    They may seem to lack energy or be unmotivated

 o    They may be unable to switch off

 o    There may be changes in how much and when they sleep, exercise or eat.

 o    They may appear uninterested in their appearance. This may extend to their home.

 o    They may no longer be interested in the things they used to enjoy doing.

WHAT DO I DO IF I THINK SOMEONE IS STRUGGLING

If you think someone is struggling then this is the time to consider asking them if they are okay.

Before you do this it is a good idea to consider how or if you might have that conversation with this person.

If you ask the wrong way, and are not prepared for a helpful conversation, you may not help the person. If you feel you are not able to ask, maybe finding another person to ask may be helpful. This is not saying you are not going to be any good at it, but maybe the situation the other person is in , or the relationship you have with them may impact any conversation you may have.

The other person needs to feel they can trust you, or they will not open up to you. So it is wise to consider whether you have been trustworthy in your relationship with that person.

If you feel the other person can’t trust you, you may still be able to reach out to them. In this situation it is best to acknowledge the past. Maybe you could try saying something like:

“I know I haven’t been very trustworthy in the past, but I am concerned about you and I care that you may not be feeling okay.”

If your previous conversations with this person have not involved you listening very well, you can maybe try saying:

“I know I haven’t listened to you very well I the past, but I am concerned that you may not be okay and I want to listen and hear you and support you.”

HOW TO PREPARE TO ASK RUOK

First step is to be ready:

• Ask yourself if you are in the right headspace to listen.

• Ask yourself if you are willing to really listen to the other person.

• Make sure you have the time to have this conversation. It is no good asking someone if they are okay and then rushing off because you have to be somewhere else.

Second step is to be prepared:

• Acknowledge that you are not there to “fix” the other person. You are there to listen. It is okay if you don’t have any answers to their difficulties.

• Don’t rush the other person or fire off questions at them. Be prepared to sit quietly and non judgementally with the other person and allow them the space to process their thoughts and express what they want. When you are trying to survive you spend a lot of time pushing down emotions so you can get through the day. It may take time for the other person to feel able to speak about something that they are feeling very emotional about. It is helpful to bear in mind that it is often embarrassing to discuss problems.

Last step is to choose your moment carefully:

• Find somewhere private and comfortable. A busy place with little privacy is not going to be very conducive to expressing vulnerable thoughts.

• Is this a good time for them to talk? If they are busy and stressed, they are not likely to be willing to take the time out to express how they are feeling.

• You may need to choose another time if they are too busy to talk.

• Consider the way you talk. It is often less threatening when you are sitting side by side doing nothing that requires concentration, or when walking. Being side by side is less confronting than being face to face.

The last point on being side by side highlights the value of being with the other person and doing something together. This is a great time for a conversation where the other person is likely to feel comfortable and able to talk.

IMPORTANT TO CONSIDER

You may be ready to reach out to the other person. But they may not be ready to talk.

Don’t give up. The fact you reached out and expressed your concern will not be lost on the other person. It may be that when they are ready to talk they wil reach out to you.

It is better to have asked than not to have asked. If you ask and they say no, at least you asked. If you don’t ask you will never know if you gave up a wonderful opportunity to reach out to someone in need.

NOW TO ASK – R U OK?

Have a casual conservation.

Start by saying something about what has prompted you to ask.

Examples include:

• You have been quiet lately, how are things going for you?

• I haven’t seen you much lately, is everything going okay for you?

• You’ve seemed really stressed lately, do you want to chat about something?

Now listen and don’t jump in with your own stories.

THEY DON’T WANT TO TALK TO ME – WHAT DO I DO?

Just because you reach out to another person does not guarantee they will talk to you.

It may be the wrong time for them to talk. You could try asking them if it would be okay to check in with them again.

They may feel no one cares and may need to process you request before they are willing to accept you invitation to chat.

Maybe they would feel more comfortable talking to someone else.

You reaching out may lead to them reflecting on their need to talk and they may be willing to talk to or someone else at another time.

THEY DO WANT TO TALK TO ME – WHAT DO I DO?

They welcome your question and tell you about their problem.

So what do you do?

• Remember we talked about you being there to listen, not solve problems.

• Listen.

• Don’t rush to judgement. Have an open mind.

• Give them space to talk. If they pause, don’t rush to fill the silence. Silence is great. Allow the silences and trust the person will talk when ready.

• Ask questions that are open ended, that is that don’t require yes or no answers.

• Ask them to explain the things they say. Don’t assume you understand what they are saying or the impact it has on them. Do this by asking questions that allow space for them to answer in many words. No questions that just require a yes/no. They shut down the conversation.

• Every so often repeat back what you have heard them say and ask if you understood it properly. This give them a chance to correct any misunderstandings and sends the message that you are listening.

I HAVE LISTENED AND THEY HAVE TOLD ME ABOUT THEIR PROBLEM – NOW WHAT DO I DO?

It is at this point you can encourage them to explore what they might be able to do to help themselves.

This may involve someone they can seek help from. It may instead involve spending time together brainstorming ideas on what they may be able to do to change their situation.

Maybe they might see their doctor, talk to a family member, talk to a close friend they trust, see a counsellor.

They may have encountered difficulties in the past and been able to solve them. What did they do back then? Is this something that may work now?

You can also ask them if there is anything they need from you.

CONVERSATION OVER – NOW WHAT?

Once the conversation is over there is still one thing you need to do.

That is to check in with the person at another time.

Let them know you haven’t forgotten them and are still willing to support them.

This allows you to communicate to them that someone cares.

It allows them to feel less isolated.

It may be the encouragement they need to do something about their situation.

It can support them until they are ready to reach out for professional help.

I THINK THEY ARE AT RISK OF SUICIDE – WHAT DO I DO?

If you are concerned the other person is suicidal don’t be afraid to ask.

It can be as simple as “are you thinking about killing yourself?”

Asking will not plant the idea in the other person’s mind. If they are suicidal they already have that idea. If they are not suicidal your asking will not suddenly make them suicidal.

If they answer YES this is what is important for you to do.

Do not leave them alone. Keeping them safe is important.
Get professional help.

While you stay with them:

Keep listening to them.

Find out if there is someone they trust who can help them.

Not all people who are suicidal will actually kill themselves. You can ask if they have a plan and the equipment needed to carry it out.

Unless you feel they are in immediate danger (in which case you will dial 000) try the following:

• Call a crisis support line together.

LIFELINE: 13 11 14

SUICIDE CALL BACK SERVICE 1300 659 467

who provide immediate support and advice

• Visit an emergency department together.

• Take them to a place they feel safe where they will not be alone.

HOW DO I GET HELP IF I AM NOT OK?

Reach out to someone you feel comfortable talking to.

If someone reaches out to you, be willing to accept that offer of help.

If you urgently need to talk to someone, or you are feeling suicidal, LIFELINE 13 11 14 is a good starting point.

You can also ring the SUICIDE CALL BACK SERVICE 1300 659 467

For longer term help counselling can be very helpful.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you when you are not okay, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

RUOK.ORG.AU IS A GREAT SOURCE OF ADVICE ON HOW TO ASK RUOK

My trauma symptoms helped me survive

The effects of trauma can last for weeks, months or years. This is particularly true if the trauma occurred in childhood when major growth in the brain was occurring. This is because trauma affects the way the brain develops.

The impact of trauma can be experienced throughout life, until it is able to be processed. Even then the memory will not necessarily fade, but the impact may.

TRAUMA IS AN UNWANTED FAMILY HEIRLOOM

It is useful to liken trauma to a family heirloom. Family heirlooms tend to be old and may be passed down through the generations. By the time you get them they are often very old, even considered antiques. These items are usually greatly loved sentimentally and valued for their memories.

Trauma can be passed down through the generations too. It may be passed down in the way you were treated growing up, in the way your family related to each other, in the way you were taught to see the world, even in the keeping of secrets within the family.

Unlike family heirlooms, trauma is not something that is valued or loved sentimentally. It is often not acknowledged. But it leaves one massive elephant in the room that is very hard to hide. Although people will try.

TRAUMA’S GREATEST WEAPON IS SHAME

Shame leads people to hide the trauma in the family. This makes it very hard to heal the trauma.

TRAUMA IS FELT THROUGH PHYSICAL SENSATIONS AS WELL AS EMOTIONS AND PERCEPTION

Trauma as it has been experienced by you leaves you with intense physical, perceptual and emotions reactions to things others may feel are nothing important or frightening. These things trigger memories of past experiences. Experiences that are related to the trauma you feel.

The intense physical, perceptual and emotional responses are hard to control because they are stored in part of your memory known as “implicit memory”. These are memories deeply embedded in your memory. Memories of things you are often not aware you have experienced. Memories you have no control over.

They are not stored in conscious and manageable memory. They are stored in subconscious and therefore unmanageable memory.

The constant reactivation of these memories ensure they remain at the top of your memories on a daily, even multiple times daily, basis.

SYMPTOMS OF TRAUMA REACTIVATION

When these memories are reactivated by reminders, referred to as triggers, you are thrown into a fight/flight defence mode.

• You may feel hyperalert and hypervigilant.

• You may be aware of tension in your body.

• Your breath may feel shallow and you may be aware of your heart pounding.

• You may even have horrifying images come to mind, or thoughts warning you of danger.

• You may find yourself inexplicably afraid or angry.

• You may feel pain in parts of your body.

• You may feel isolated and alone.

• You may be aware of being anxious or feel others are against you and unsupportive.

• You may find yourself judging what is happening around you negatively.

• You may have a strong desire to isolate from others.

• You may feel frozen.

• You may find it difficult to say no to people.

• You may feel you have to please people.

• And many more experiences. The list of reactions is endless

TRAUMA SYMPTOMS ARE POORLY UNDERSTOOD

There is not much awareness of what constitutes a trauma symptom.

Many of the symptoms of trauma are not recognised as being trauma related.

Trauma survivors share many symptoms and it is possible for a trauma informed therapist to spot those symptoms.

When I work with people I often see the symptoms that that person may not be aware of.

People may come to see me because of

• difficulties in life

• anxiety

• unmanageable stress

• difficulties in relationships

• depression

• work stress

• feeling numb

• inexplicable pain

• difficulty concentrating

• difficulty making decisions

• difficulty setting boundaries

• and many more symptoms

I AM IMPACTED BY TRAUMA. DOES THAT MAKE ME DEFECTIVE?

When you realise your current difficulties are due to trauma it can lead to your feeling deficient as a person.

Maybe you feel you are weak and not as able to cope with life as others.

But the reality is you survived difficult experiences you could not deal with at the time. So you learned ways to cope, to survive.

TRAUMA SYMPTOMS ARE SURVIVAL ADAPTATIONS

You learned to adapt to the threats and danger. You learned how to cope with being too young to be able to defend yourself, or too powerless to overcome someone stronger or just being trapped.

The behaviours you exhibit now. The way you see the world now. The way you relate to people. The way you perceive the world. All these are ways you adapted to survive.

And survive you have. You learned how to behave, how to keep yourself safe in a situation over which you had no control.

The things you did were wonderful adaptations to help you survive.

I AM SAFE NOW. I WANT THE BEHAVIOURS TO STOP.

Now that you are away from that situation the adaptations are causing difficulties.

This is because you need to learn new behaviours.

It is time to heal from the past and let go of the once helpful but now constricting behaviours. It is time to learn new behaviours.

HOW DO YOU HEAL FROM THE PAST?

The Blue Knot Foundation is a peak body in trauma treatment in Australia. They have produced trauma treatment guidelines that trauma therapists follow in trauma treatment.

These guidelines are world renowned and highly respected.

They involve long term therapy conducted safely by properly qualified trauma therapists.

I have trained extensively with the Blue Knot Foundation and follow their guidelines in my work with trauma survivors.

DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS FURTHER?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you heal from your trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How childhood stress affects you in adulthood

Would you be horrified if I told you that some childhood stress will shorten your life expectancy by 10-20 years?

Maybe you would struggle to believe that. For generations adults have told themselves that children are resilient and get over things. But do they?

Extensive research has shown that some types of childhood stress have exactly this impact on life expectancy. This stress is referred to as toxic stress.

These types of childhood stress are called adverse childhood experiences. There is an acronym for that – ACE.

ACEs

High ACE scores have been linked in research to premature death, a large number of health conditions including mental health problems, heart disease, and lung cancer.

The types of stress included in ACEs include physical and emotional abuse, neglect, household dysfunction, parents struggling with substance abuse or mental health issues, sexual abuse just to name a few.

The truth is childhood trauma is not something you “get over” or “grow out of”.

CHILDREN’S BRAINS ARE IMPACTED BY ACEs

The repeated stress of ACEs has well observed impacts on the way the brain develops. These impacts are observable across the person’s lifetime.

ACEs were described in the 1990s and have been the subject of much research since then. The original researchers noted that ACEs are very common, in all strata of society. A person from a middle class or high socio-economic level is just as likely to have experienced ACEs as a child from an impoverished background.

IMPACTS OF ACEs

Other findings are that high ACE scores are consistent with poor adult life outcomes including significantly higher risk of heart disease, diabetes, obesity, depression, substance abuse, mental health issues, suicide, smoking, poor academic achievement, homelessness, incarceration, being a victim of domestic violence, unemployment and early death.

That is quite horrifying. But how do stressful things that happen to children impact on adulthood? The answer is toxic stress. Toxic stress in a child is stress that leads to frequent, prolonged and excessive activation of the body’s stress response systems. This has a negative impact on the child’s developing brain, immune system, metabolic regulation and cardiovascular system. It has been described as overrevving the body over a long period of time so that it wears out and problems develop.

WHEN STRESS IS A PROBLEM FOR CHILDREN

Children will experience stress. It is part of life. Where it becomes a problem is where there is no supportive adult or adults present to cushion the impact of the stress. For example, research has shown that during crises in the life of a family, the children of the family will be less impacted by the stress if their parents are able to cope well and support their children.

WHAT ARE ACEs?

Initially ACEs were classified as:

• Neglect

• Physical abuse

• Emotional abuse

• Sexual abuse

• Domestic or family violence

• A parent with mental health issues

• A parent with substance abuse issues

• A parent in prison

• Lack of attunement between parent and child

Over time there has been a broadening of what is considered to be an ACE to include:

• Homelessness

• Natural disasters

• War

• Being a refugee

• Violence in the community

• Racism

• Chronic poverty

• And so on.

TRAUMA, ACEs AND TOXIC STRESS

Trauma is a large part of ACEs and toxic stress. Trauma is generally considered to be any stressful experience where there is great adversity or terror and the emotional responses to those experiences. This involves toxic stress and is a major part of any ACE.

HOW CHILDREN REACT TO TRAUMA

In children, trauma will often play out in behaviours where the child withdraws or acts out. Some children will develop ADHD type behaviours. Others may become aggressive and pick fights with other children. Some may withdraw and even self harm. Bullying behaviours are sometimes the result of trauma.

The child who steals cars, breaks into homes, vandalises things ifs often a child who is suffering from ACEs.

It is important to recognise the acting out behaviour of children as likely due to trauma.

Many years ago I worked in a shop and caught a boy stealing. He was only 12 and had started this destructive behaviour after his father had left his marriage. The boy was so broken and miserable. It broke my heart to see his pain.

WHAT HAPPENS IN ADULTHOOD?

ACE affected children grow into adulthood. It is important to consider that if you are ACE affected you are not irreparably damaged. You can get help.

It is important to see a Trauma trained therapist. Working with trauma is a highly specialised field. It is important to find out what experience a prospective therapist has in the trauma field.

WHAT THERAPY SHOULD I SEEK OUT?

Therapy to heal the impact of ACE is not a 10 session solution. The impacts on your brain have taken a long time to form and they need a long time to change. Brain growth slows over the age of 26 and you need to grow many new neural pathways. So expect these changes to take a long time.

Much of trauma is stored in the areas of the brain and body that cannot be consciously accessed. For this reason, talk only therapies are not very effective in healing trauma.

Finding a therapist who works with different approaches such as, to name a few, somatic approaches, art therapy, expressive therapies, EMDR, EFT as well as some talk therapy is important. In Australia the Blue Knot Foundation and its guidelines are the gold standard for trauma therapists. A good trauma therapist will have completed training with them.

HOW LONG DOES THERAPY TAKE?

Expect to spend a long time working on your trauma. I recommend you come to work on a problem. This may take regular sessions over a number of months. The sessions will be frequent at first and decrease in frequency as time goes on. You work on a particular aspect of your trauma, then allow time for that healing to consolidate.

You may take a break from therapy while that consolidation takes place. At some time in the future you will feel the need to seek therapy for another aspect of your trauma. You may go back to the same therapist or find a new one.

HOW I CAN HELP

I am a trauma trained therapist, have received training through the Blue Knot Foundation and I adhere to their guidelines. I also have extensive experience working with trauma affected individuals. All the therapies listed above are used by me in my work.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your ACEs and their impacts, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Why my mistakes are not me

Have you noticed how people use shaming language?

Let me explain.

A small child is struggling to do something which is beyond their age related ability to complete. An impatient parent grabs the item from them saying: “You are so useless, I’ll do it”.

A child in school forgets to write their name on their exam paper. The teacher hands the other students their papers and announces in a loud voice that xx is a failure yet again because they didn’t put their name on their paper.

You make a mistake and your self talk immediately tells you how useless you are for making that mistake.

SHAMING LANGUAGE MAKES YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE USELESS

Can you relate to any of these examples?

I sure can.

How do you respond to the shaming of these examples and other incidents?

Do you believe those words are true and you are shameful? Do you then try to suppress those feelings of shame?

CHANGING THE LANGUAGE OF SHAME

What if instead of shaming and suppressing you changed the language?

What if you reframed those words instead?

Instead of:

• “You are useless” because you made a mistake. Try “I made a mistake”

• “you are so stupid” because you did something you think is wrong try “that was not the best idea” or “that idea didn’t work. What else can I try?”.

• “Why does this happen to me?” Try “Oh this is interesting, what can I learn from this?”

• “Why can’t I do this?” Try “how can I make this work?”

• “Why is this happening?” Try “what can I do to change this?”

• “How could they do this to me?” Try “how can I use this?”

• “Why can’t I make enough money?” Try “how can I add more value?”

• “Why is there never enough time?” Try “what can I alter to fit in these things I really want in my life.”

• “I am so useless, I don’t know how to do this”. Try “I don’t know how to do this, who can I ask for help?”

QUESTIONING THE LANGUAGE OF SHAME

When those thoughts pop into your head try asking yourself:

• Is it true? (Am I really stupid?)

• Is it sensible? (to think I am stupid)

• Is it helpful? (to say this about me – short answer NO)

After you have established what you have just said is not true, sensible or helpful, try reframing it.

REVIEWING THE THINGS YOU DO TO SEE THE POSITIVE ACTIONS

When you do something, it can be really helpful to review how it went. Next time try asking yourself these questions?

• What went well?

• What can be done differently next time?

• Is there anything I need to ask someone about, or learn more about?

I AM NOT MY ACTIONS

Don’t buy into shaming yourself. You are human which means you make mistakes. You don’t always know how to do anything. You don’t always get things right. The mistakes you make are not you they are just actions.

As a child once told her teacher – I am not messy I am making a mess. (Brené Brown).

There is a distinction.

One is wrong (I am messy) and one is right (I am making a mess).

Make sure your self talk switches to the statement that is right.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you learn to see yourself as the wonderful person you are, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au