Grief – Page 3 – PLC Blog

Grief Is A Change You Didn’t Want

Heartbreak is there in grief.

This is because when a person you love dies you are heartbroken.

When a person you love leaves you and rejects you and continues to reject you, then you are heartbroken.

Which pain is worse?

The worst pain is the pain you are experiencing.

Heartbreak

Heartbreak is always present in grief. It is heartbreak at the loss of the future with that person, whether they are alive or dead. Now you must face a future you did not plan and may not even like.

Heartbreak can occur through other life events. Losing a job, not getting the job you really wanted, not getting into the university course you wanted, not getting the marks in an exam you wanted, losing out on the house you wanted to buy, losing the house you can no longer afford to pay the loan on, your car being stolen, your house broken into, the end of a relationship, losing your pet, losing your country.

The really important thing to remember is your pain is always worse for you. There is no comparison. Just because someone else is hurting, it doesn’t mean their pain is worse. Comparisons just can’t be made when it comes to grief.

Heartbreak is not logical

It is always important to remember that the act of making a comparison is one that uses your mind. But when you are heartbroken and suffering grief, those are emotions you are feeling. They are not logical, they are not of the mind. They are the emotions of heartbreak.

Be careful, because grief that isn’t attended to doesn’t just go away. It stays there, unattended, and trips you up when something reminds you of it.

Questions to ask yourself

Ask yourself the question. What heartbreak, what grief, what disappointments in your life have you not attended to?

Once you have the answer ask yourself. Why don’t you attend to it?

The answer is most likely that it is difficult, painful even, to confront that pain.

It is so easy to run from pain. Pain hurts.

The realness of emotional pain

Did you know that physical pain and emotional pain are registered in the same part of the brain?

All these years people’s emotional pain has been dismissed as being nothing, yet it is as painful as physical pain.

The metaphor of the Buffalo

Grief expert David Kessler uses the metaphor of a buffalo turning to face a storm and walk into it. The buffalo knows it will get through the storm faster if it does this. But humans try to stay away from the storm. They try to keep a metre or so away. This way they remain in the storm a long time.

Instead of facing the storm, humans stay close to it and try to numb themselves, try to move away, but not far away, or try to avoid any triggering memories. Humans may even run away.

Substituting One Emotion For Another

One way of avoiding the storm is to go to another emotion that feels more comfortable.

What emotions might that be?

The most common one to go after is anger.

If you explore what is under your anger you will often find it is sadness, grief or fear.

There is a very real fear that once you give in to the pain of grief you will never be able to stop crying.

But you will stop crying in time.

Self Compassion Is The Best Treatment

When you allow yourself to enter the storm and feel your emotions deeply. When you allow yourself to engage with the emotions, then you are caring for yourself. You are showing up for yourself. Allowing yourself to feel these emotions is the way you can be there for you. It is an opportunity to show self compassion.

Self compassion only works if you pay attention to your emotions.

To show self compassion you have to be able to accept that this horrible thing happened. You have to be allowed to feel sorry for yourself, for the pain you are experiencing and have experienced.

Our society tells us it is wrong to feel sorry for yourself. But that is wrong. It is not wrong to feel sorry for yourself. It is not wrong to feel for what you have been through. To acknowledge that what you have been through was horrible.

When others try to shut you down over this it is because they feel uncomfortable and don’t want to be exposed to that discomfort.

Beware The Failure To Own Your Problems

Refusing to be accountable for what you have done in your life and refusing to own your problems causes difficulties around feeling sorry for yourself.

If you feel sorry for yourself and get stuck in that place, constantly seeking those who will affirm your pain but never doing anything to get out of that pain, then you are failing to understand your own problems and find ways to resolve them.

The Importance of Being Seen

It is important to feel seen, to have your pain acknowledged. But sometimes you are the one who is going to see you, who will acknowledge your pain.

Being seen is empowering. Seeing yourself is as empowering as being seen by someone else.

Tara Brach PhD, a leading western teacher of Buddhist meditation, emotional healing and spiritual awakening, talks about the importance of putting your hand over your heart centre and saying “Ouch, that hurts” as a way to acknowledge the pain you are feeling and give yourself self compassion. Try it sometime, you will most likely find it helps a lot.

In Summary

The worst abandonment is when you abandon yourself

In your pain do not fail to acknowledge to yourself the pain you are in.

Don’t fail to show compassion to yourself.

Stop judging yourself, shaming yourself, criticising yourself, telling yourself you are bad or unworthy, failing to defend yourself.

Make sure you recognise your own pain. Remember “Ouch it hurts” is very important.

Sit with your pain and acknowledge it. Comfort yourself.

Advice To The Recently Bereaved

I often have recently bereaved people visit me. Their bereavement is so recent they haven’t even had the funeral yet. One of the things I tell them in that first session is to be kind to themselves, to be okay to not look after other people at the funeral. To let others care for them. To absent themselves from the post funeral get together if they need to. To cry, be unstable, not want to talk, not want to socialise, not look after others are all permissible and necessary self care actions.

Grief Forces Change

I model for the recently bereaved how to speak kindly to yourself, how to be caring and compassionate to yourself, how to be there for yourself.

It is scary to be placed in the position where you have to grow and change. But grief puts you there and there is only one way out and that is to walk through the storm.

You are going to have to learn the new way to be. You will not know it immediately, but you will learn over time and self compassion is your best ally in this learning.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and heartbreak please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

5 Actions to Help Process Your Grief

If you have been following my blogs for any length of time, you will have read that there is no right way to process your grief.

All people grieve differently. Yes, there are similarities in people’s experiences and I often write about them, but you still grieve differently to other people.

What To Do To Help Process Your Grief

Despite their being no right way to grieve, there are 5 things that are important to do to assist you with your grieving.

Name and feel your loss
It is important that you acknowledge your loss. You do this my naming it. After naming it you acknowledge it by allowing yourself to feel any emotions that come up because of that grief.
Be aware that, particularly in the early time of grief, you may not have any feelings. Feelings will come in time.
When they do, name them and allow yourself to experience them, even if that means you “fall apart”.
Seek the support of others
This is important. Friends and family can be a great support at this time. If you don’t have friends and family able to support you then a grief counselling can be helpful to engage with.
At some point in your grief, you may find it helpful to join a group of people who are grieving.
Don’t bottle up your emotions, allow yourself to express them.
There are many ways you can express your emotions. These include:
*Talking to others
*Writing
*Art – painting, drawing, collage, clay work and so on
*Journalling
*Finding activities that help give meaning to your grief
Look after yourself
You must give self care a high priority. If you don’t look after yourself, you will not be able to care for others. So make self care a priority – you deserve it.
Self care includes getting adequate rest, eating nutritionally balanced food, exercise, taking time out to go out with friends if you want, or to spend time alone. Having a massage may be your go to for self care. Or you may want to go fishing, watch a movie, walk in the park.
There are myriad ways to care for you.
Remember also that some says will be harder than others. When that happens, don’t despair, there will be good days too. In the meantime, give yourself extra care on those bad days.
Be patient
Grief is not something you get over in a matter of days. It takes time to grieve. A lot of time. Don’t be hard on yourself when things continue to upset you months or even years later. That is all perfectly normal.

A Final Action

One important thing I stress to people is that it is okay to be happy again. It is okay to have fun. It is okay to go out and enjoy yourself. It is okay for live to move on.

Moving on in life does not mean you did not love the one who your lost, you will always love and grieve for them, but you will do it as part of the life you continue to live.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with processing your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Grief is shattered glass

A metaphor I sometimes use with people who are grieving is one of a shattered glass vase.

The vase hits the floor and explodes into numerous pieces ranging in size from large to miniscule.

Cleaning Up The Glass

Picking up the pieces of glass is fraught with danger. If you are not careful you can cut yourself on the jagged pieces of glass.

When cleaning up the glass it is usual to pick up the larger pieces first. These are the easiest to see, the ones least likely to cut your fingers.

So you attend to those big pieces first.

Focusing On The Large Pieces of Grief

When grieving, it is the big aspects of grief that are attended to first. You get them safely out of the way and all seems good.

But grief is very like that exploded glass vase. There are smaller pieces. You think you have removed them safely from the floor, but there are ones that get missed. They are tiny and hard to see.

You often find the tiny pieces of glass when you tread on them. They cut and they hurt.

Just When You Think It Is Safe To Walk Barefooted…

That is the nature of grief. You think everything is going well, and then you suddenly find yourself cut and hurt by an aspect of that grief you had not seen coming.

Embracing The Negatives in Life

Last year I read a book “Night Vision” by Mariana Alessandri. She challenges us to see the negatives in life, not as something to be banned by toxic positivity, but as something to embrace and learn from. These feelings are what teach us about ourselves, our strengths and resilience and our humanity. It is these negatives that affirm our humanity and connection to others.

In Alessandri’s book she wrote that grief puts us in touch with the basic fact that surviving hurts. Such a moving and enlightening sentence! Surviving hurts. It is a fact, not something to run from.

Being A Survivor Hurts

Just as stepping on a tiny piece of glass from the shattered vase hurts, so does being the survivor of loss.

Living hurts.

Surviving hurts.

And that is normal and perfectly okay.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Moving into Aged Care – An Overlooked Grief for All the Family

One of the hardest things people have to do is to put their parents and other elderly relatives into aged care. It is usually a last resort decision made when their elderly parent has reached the point of being unable to care for themselves

There is a lot of emotional pain in making that decision.

The decision is one that carries a lot of guilt. “Shouldn’t I look after them?”

It is even harder if you have to make that decision and your parent is not wanting to go into aged care.

There is also the concern about the care your parent will receive in aged care. There is so much spoken about in the media around poor care and abuse of elderly aged care residents that it can feel like you are sending your parent to their death.

The Beginning of the End

Placing your parent in aged care also signals the beginning of the end. They have now entered the final stage of life. There is no being able to be living at home anymore.

This means that placing a relative in aged care is a source of grief. It is the end of many things.

• Having an independent parent

• Having a home to visit

• The anticipation of the end of their life (even if that may take a long time)

• Losing that close contact as other people take over their care and your ability to visit is now governed by the rules of the facility.

• Having to accept other people’s ideas about what is the best care for your parent.

The Experience of The Parent

On the flip side, the person going into aged care experiences myriad losses as well.

• Being independent

• Losing your home

• Losing pets

• Losing your freedom

• Losing contact with people you usually saw in the community

• Losing your sense of identity

The Need for Support for All

There is much that can be done to support both family and the individual in this situation.

For the family, the quality of care their family member receives has been shown to impact on how the family copes with the transition into aged care and the later death of their parent.

Being able to be involved in decisions around your parent’s care and being kept well informed about their health, options for care and being able to make choices.

For the parent there is a need for sensitivity and understanding from the staff. Good communication around the procedures of the facility and being given choices are also important. Attending to care needs in a timely manner is also important. Flexible visiting hours are also important for both family and the individual.

A pleasant homely environment, activities and opportunities to interact with others are also important for the parent.

Access to counselling support for the parent is important and it is sometimes helpful for the family to receive counselling support as well.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you and family members with the adjustment into aged care, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

5 Myths About Grief And What Is Actually Needed

Grief happens to everyone at some stage in their life.

It would be extremely rare if you didn’t lose someone or something close to you during your lifetime.

Despite this, there is a lot of ignorance about grief.

How do you support someone who is grieving?

How long does grief last?

Grief lasts a few weeks right?

Wrong.

Starting from the Beginning

A friend has recently been bereaved. So what do you do?

Many people will make it their mission in life to support their friend to “get better”. They know what you need to get better.

What People Believe Their Grieving Friend Needs

Myth #1 – They need to get out more

Sometimes when a person is grieving they want to go out, they may not want to be at home. Or they may want to stay at home and hide from the world while they lick their wounds.

Whatever they want to do, being told to go out, cajoled about not getting out, or dragged out against their will is not helpful.

Myth #2 – They just need to get better organised

When you are grieving your world often falls apart. You can’t concentrate. You may not want to do things. You will have days when you are totally organised. And you will have days when life is hard and you can’t do anything.

The last thing the grieving person wants is to have a friend march in and take over their home, or their kitchen, or any other part of their life.

Myth #3 – They just need to see the silver lining in all this

The silver linings are reported by people as being the most hurtful responses.

After your young partner dies: “You are young, you can find someone else.”

After your baby dies: “You can have another child.”

After someone you love dies: “They’re in a better place”

Myth #4 – Grief is all about sorrow

Sorrow is a large part of grief, but it is only part, not all of the grief experience. Guilt, anger, irritability, loss of appetite, poor sleep and some common experiences. There are a lot more and they are all totally normal.

Myth #5 – Grief is over within a few weeks, a year at the utmost

Grief never ends. The acute phase will slowly transition to a less acute experience, but grief will never end.

Myth #6 – Don’t talk about it

This is a very hurtful belief.

It is believed that you should stop talking about the loss. If you bring it up you cause pain.

The reality is the person is in pain anyway. Bringing up their loved one is helpful. They want to talk about them. They want to remember they lived. They want others to acknowledge they lived. If they don’t want to talk they will let you know, because they don’t always want to talk. But you will do less harm talking about their loved one when they aren’t ready to talk than not talking about them at all.

What People Grieving Actually Need

When they are ready they want to talk.

They want to be heard.

They want to know you are listening and trying to understand their grief better.

All this means you the griever feels supported.

If people follow the myths then you feel unsupported.

Sub heading The Mental Health Cost of Not Being Supported when Grieving

If you don’t get the support of family and friends then you will look elsewhere.

This is where grief counsellors are helpful.

Unprocessed and unsupported grief can lead to mental illness.

What the Bereaved Want

Remember, the person who is grieving wants the following:

• To be seen

• To be me with empathy from others

• To be validated

Conclusion

I heard this song many years ago and I love the lyrics. They are written by a man grieving his father’s death. Maybe you can relate to them or they can help you understand your friend’s grief better. Here are the first three verses:

Homesick by MercyMe

You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I’m still here so far away from home

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief or supporting others who are grieving, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

5 Things You Can Do To Manage The Bad Days After Your Loss

If you read my blogs regularly, you will by now be familiar with the fact that grief is not a sequential process with and end point. It goes on for the rest of your life.

The intensity of the pain will lessen in intensity and frequency over time, but there will still be days when you are hit by the pain.

Sub heading How To Manage Those Difficult Days

The following are ways people report have helped them:

1. Comfort Kit.

This kit is a special box or bag that can be placed somewhere easy to access.

Put in it things that you find comforting. Popular items include candles, bath oils, art supplies, a cuddly toy.

This box is about doing something special for you as you feel low. To give you love and a warm hug of comfort.

What can you put in your comfort kit?

2. Important Lists To Assist

By this I mean the following:

• Put together a playlist of favourite uplifting songs. Don’t add sad songs to the list, those songs are for other times. This list is about listening to songs that soothe and encourage.

• Keep an updated list of people you can talk to on those bad days. This should be composed of people who will give you the support, love and encouragement you need on those bad days.

• Have a list of movement activities. These are things you can do to get you up and moving. This can include places to walk, something to dance to, some yoga exercises to practise, work you can do in the garden. Anything that gets you moving in an enjoyable way (so don’t decide to tackle a massive weed pile in the garden unless you get great joy out of tackling that).

• A feel good list. This is a list of things you enjoy doing that make you feel good. This might involve funny movies, inspiriting books, comfort food, friends to visit who make you feel good, animals you love to see and so on.

• Getting out in nature list. Ideas of things you can do out in nature. Research proves the value of nature – be it the bush or the beach. These are places you can go to feel better. Maybe it is to go on a hike, walk along a favourite beach, sit in a park, listen to birds, whale watch, swim. The list is endless.

• Positive sayings or affirmations: On your good days, collects sayings and affirmations. When you are having a bad day get them out and read through them. They can be as simple as: “ It’s okay to cry”, “This will pass” “It is okay to be sad” “It is okay to have a sad day” “It is okay to take time out to honour your pain”.

• Places you can go to care for yourself: This can include a place you find comforting, places you can visit, tourist ideas you have never visited in your local area, going to a retreat to reflect and be pampered. Places that feed your soul.

Which of these lists would you find useful? Make those lists today.

3. Daily Gratitude Journal.

This is a preventative measure. The ideas is that you have a special journal where you write 10 things you are grateful for every day. Write your list then read it out aloud and say “Thank you, thank you, thank you” after each list item. Remember small things can be on that list, not just spectacular things. You can be grateful for you feet because they support you as you go about your day. You can be grateful for the food you eat. You can be grateful for family members. You can be grateful for your home, even furniture in your home.

The other use for a gratitude list is that you can take it our on your bad days and read it.

As well as a gratitude journal, I also have a gratitude jar. I write things on a piece of paper that I am grateful for. I write at least once a week and add items on other days if something amazing happens.

4. Grief Support Groups You Can Reach Out To.

Many people find going to a grief support group, joining a live group online, joining a social media group is helpful. They report the benefits of seeking support from those groups on their bad days provides great comfort.

5. Ask For Help List.

There are times when you may need the support of a grief counsellor. Having a list of counsellors in your local area makes it easier for you to ring to arrange an appointment.

Time For Action

Now is the time to write down your plan of action for your next difficult day.

What will you put in that plan?

Are you going to assemble your comfort box?

Have you written some lists of things to do?

Have you considered some of the other things you can do to support you on those bad days?

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your bad days, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How You And Your Child Can Say Goodbye To A Much Loved Pet

When I was a child, my mother believed it was important for children to have pets because when they died it introduced children to the concept of death.

That is true. But there was no recognition in my mother’s plan of the fact that losing a pet is a grief as devastating as losing a human you love.

So pets died, but it was just like putting packaging from food in the bin. Gone now, what are you upset about?

That was the way that generation dealt with things. This was in the time when it was believed that you had to immediately put the one who had died out of your mind. It was considered unhealthy to grieve.

Death was not talked about, whether pets or humans. The subject was taboo.

To grieve was to be mentally unwell.

Pets Matter

There is a need to acknowledge the death of a pet and to allow yourself the opportunity to grieve for it. It is also important to assist children in the family to grieve for that pet.

If the death of the family pet is the first time a child has encountered death, it is very important this death is handled well. This death and the grief following is a blue print for every death the child will encounter in life.

Preparing Your Children For The Death of a Pet

If the pet dies of old age it is important to acknowledge through the years that the pet is getting older. You can talk about the average life span of your type of pet which sets realistic expectations of how long the pet will live for.

Most pets will die before us, so it is important to acknowledge that and then to acknowledge when they get older.

If your pet is ill it is important to acknowledge that as well and be honest about its chances of surviving this illness. It is okay to not be sure and to be honest about that.

Should Your Child Be Present When the Pet Dies?

This will depend on the age of your child and the way the pet dies. If it is ill and you sit with it as it dies, your child may find it comforting to pat the animal and comfort it.

If your pet is being euthanised your vet may have rules around what age child they are comfortable allowing to be present. It is more confronting to be with a pet that dies this way. If the vet is okay with your child being present, then you need to decide whether you think they have the maturity to cope with this.

Should Your Child See Their Dead Pet?

It can be helpful for a child to see their pet’s body and say goodbye. They may want to hold the pet, touch it or just spend time with it.

What Does “Handling Your Pet Death Well” Look Like?

When a pet dies it is important to involve the entire family in this in an age-appropriate way.

Some people like to have a small ceremony to say goodbye, others may light a candle. Many people put a framed photo of the pet somewhere special. Planting a plant is also special. Some people cremate their pet and scatter the ashes in its favourite place. You may set up a memory box with your pet’s accessories and photos of your pet.

It is important to remember that losing a pet can be traumatic for a child. This is more likely to happen when the child has not encountered death before.

The death of a beloved pet can be confusing and hard to understand. Children are likely to feel sad and may have other feelings such a guilt or even anger.

There are books that you can read with your children to help them with the death of a pet. These books are lovely to read and also offer opportunities to talk about the lost pet.

Books To Read About Pet Death

This is a selection of books that are available. Your local library may have more books.

The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr – about a goldfish who loses his friend. For younger children

Missing Jack by Rebecca Elliott – about a young boy saying goodbye to his pet cat. For younger children.

I’ll Always Love You by Hans Wilhelm – about a dog that doesn’t wake up one morning.

Goodbye Mog by Judith Kerr – this beautiful book was a favourite with my children when they were younger. Mog grows old and tired and dies. Her spirit stays around to check up on her family.

The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst is about a boy who writes a list of 10 good things about his cat and how that helps him remember and celebrate the positive memories and accept the reality of Barney’s death.

Dog Heaven and Cat Heaven by Cynthia Rylant – two books covering the death of a dog and a cat.

Jim’s Dog Muffins by Miriam Cohen – the entire class help Jim cope with the loss of his dog. For school aged children.

Goodbye Mousie by Robie H Harris – the emotions of losing a pet. Great for preschoolers.

Saying Goodbye to Lulu by Corrine Demas – the story of a dog who dies of old age. Reassures the reader that in time the pain will ease.

Jasper’s Day by Marjorie Blain Parker – this is helpful if your dog has been euthanised by the vet.

The Forever Dog by Bill Cochran and Dan Andreasen – about the dog that was forever.

The Berenstain Bears Lose a Friend by Stan and Jan Berenstain – about the death of a goldfish. Great to remind children that not all pets are dogs and cats.

Paw Prints in the Stars: A Farewell and Journal for a Beloved Pet by Warren Hanson – this is a story and a journal children can fill out to create their own story about their pet.

What Not To Say

Saying that you can always get another pet is not helpful. It minimises the relationship the other person has with their pet. In time the other person may get another pet, but when they are ready.

Ways To Honour Your Pet

It is important to share stories of your pet’s funny moments.

Be prepared always to offer hugs and be patient with the way your child grieves. If they cry allow them to. Be prepared to listen when they want to talk.

Putting together a book of memories of your pet is also a wonderful way to remember them.

An Example of How To Manage The Death of a Pet

My beautiful dog died two years ago at the age of 18. He had been part of the family since he was 10 weeks old. My children had grown up with him.

As he aged and his health started to fail I kept my now grown-up children informed of his deteriorating health.

When the time came to make the decision to end his suffering I discussed this with all my children and we made the decision together. Then two of my children came with us to the vet and were with him as he died.

In the aftermath we had many times where we talked about him and shared memories of him. His photo, with footprint and lock of fur, sits in the house and we often talk about him. We honour his birthday as well.

So many people I know have done the same when their beloved pet died. If the children are younger it may not be so appropriate to include them in the decision, but if possible you can let them know what is happening.

If the pet becomes ill and the decision is made on the spot to euthanise it, then it won’t be possible to include other family members.

It is important to let them know, preferably in person, and allow them time to react to the news. When they react, honour their feelings.

It is the same principle with the death of a relative. In addition there will often be photos or other memories in the house. Their ashes may also be placed somewhere special in the house. People will also talk about them.

Ways Not To Honour Your Pet

I contrast this to when I was a child and a kitten died while I was at school. When I came home it just wasn’t there. I don’t know what happened to it and it was never talked about again.

Another person I know was told their dog has run away, when it had in fact died. They were distressed looking for the animal and wanting to put up signs about the dog and door knock the local area. They couldn’t understand why their family weren’t interested in looking for the dog. It was a long time before they overheard mention of the dog having died.

Having To Leave Your Pet Behind

A neighbour moving into aged care and having to find a home for her dog reminded me of the difficulties people who are getting older and less capable of caring for themselves have to contend with.

Here is a beloved companion who you can’t take into aged care with you. For many people, their pet has become their constant companion. It gives them a reason to get up in the morning. It is a loving presence that helps you to feel you matter and there is someone there for you.

It is just as difficult if you have to move house and are unable to keep your pet anymore. This is the end of a relationship and you need to grieve for the relationship with the pet and honour it.

You will wonder how your pet is and if it remembers you and misses you. You may also wonder how well it is being cared for.

Those questions are ones you are unlikely to have answered and that is hard. It adds another dimension to the grief you feel at having to leave them behind.

It is important to acknowledge those questions and that sadness. There is always a balance between dwelling on something too much and acknowledging it. The main thing is to admit you have those concerns. Allow yourself to feel sad, then move on with your day. Ultimately you have to trust that your pet has been well cared for.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you or your child with the death or surrender of a pet, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The Pain of Losing a Loved One To Dementia

Over the past few years I have watched a lovely, independent, livewire neighbour become a shadow of herself. As the light of independence and curiosity has diminished it has been hard to watch her decline into dementia.

I have seen this before. I worked for many years as a Registered Nurse in aged care. I watched what someone once described as death in slow motion as the once vibrant people I cared for became less and less themselves.

Dementia doesn’t change who a person is, it leaves a void where the person, their personality, once was. Slowly the person becomes less and less until there is just the shell of their body.

I have also watched family members on this journey, as they struggle to come to terms with the slow destruction of everything they are.

This is a different kind of grief. It is known as anticipatory grief. This is mourning the expected loss. The person you love is still alive but you know they are dying and you watch them die a little each time you see them.

People losing a loved one to physical illness, such as cancer, also suffer anticipatory grief.

What Is Anticipatory Grief?

Anticipatory Grief is grieving in expectation of a loss. The person you love is still alive, but you know they are dying. Suddenly the future is different. You can see them there, but how much future do you have before they are not there?

Dementia has that extra knife twist as the person you love loses what makes them who they are: their memories and personality. Their bodies may still function well, but their mind does not.

I saw this with my grandfather and father. As they slipped away from who they were into someone who was almost childlike in their dependence.

The twist in the case of dementia is that they still look like them, but they do not act or sound like the person they once more.

It is so hard to continue to see this person fade away from who they once were into a recognisable figure that no longer is the person you knew and loved.

Finding “Closure” Amongst Dementia

When someone you love is dying of an illness, they are usually in a position to have conversations with you. This allows you to have discussions about the past, about your relationship, about your future. When someone gets dementia this opportunity is rarely available. By the time dementia is suspected and then confirmed, it is too late to have those discussions.

To add to this lack of closure your loved one changes from the vital, amazing person they were into someone who will eventually not recognise you. They will often lash out in anger and agitation as well. That is hard to watch.

It is hard to watch this vital, independent person need help with simple activities such as washing and dressing.

The Long Road To End Of Life With Dementia

The anticipatory grief of physical illness usually doesn’t last long.

Dementia sufferers can take years to die. This means you will lose the person they are but not the physical body. Your memories of what they were like are invaded by the new memories of this unfamiliar person. One who is frequently agitated, anxious, combative, aggressive and doesn’t know you.

Caring for the Carer

If you are caring for a loved one with dementia your life becomes increasingly restricted and stressful.

As your loved one deteriorates, so the caregiving you must give increases.

They may wander so suddenly you can’t leave them alone.

Your stress levels rise as you can’t focus on work, or sleep, because of your need to watch this person who looks like your loved one but is increasingly ceasing to be.

It is essential you get help, both physical help in the form of someone to care for them to give you a break, and emotional support to cope with the changing nature of the relationship, the grief around that, and the anticipatory grief of their end.

During this time caring for yourself may involve seeking counselling so that you have someone to talk to without judgement. Someone to help you carry that burden for a little while.

Having To Make The Hard Decisions

At some stage in the dementia deterioration, a decision may need to be made to put your loved one into aged care.

This is such a difficult decision.

There is the expectation that you care for them. This comes from your own expectations and the expectations of others. Some people may support you with your need to put them into care. Others may tell you that you should continue to care for them.

There is a lot of guilt associated with putting your loved one into care.

Again, counselling is helpful to allow you to explore options and your feelings around them. Armed with that support, you can better make a decision about your loved one’s care.

This Is A Hard Road To Travel

Watching someone you love cease to be the person they once were.

Watching that person deteriorate and become someone else.

Then watching that person cease to be anyone at all.

These are the part of the road you have to travel.

If you add to that the stress of watching this happen, of caring for them, of making the hard decisions about their care, then you will be experiencing a lot of grief and stress.

Don’t be afraid to reach out for help.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your anticipatory grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Why You Can Safely Disregard Common Grief Advice

If you are grieving you may have noticed that a lot of people want to give you advice on how to manage your grief.

They may tell you how long you should grieve, or that you should read this book, or do that course, or join this particular group.

They may tell you that you should be over your grief by now, or to cheer up.

They may tell you to throw out things that you are holding on to that remind you of the one you lost.

They may try the “They are in a better place” line. Or tell you “You can have another child”. Or “You are young, there will be other partners out there”.

Some of their advice may be helpful, but most isn’t.

What I Will Do If You Come To See Me.

If you come to me to ask you how you should be grieving I won’t tell you. I will help you to understand that your grief symptoms are experienced by many other people. So you are not going mad.

I will listen to your story and help you to tell that story.

I will help you to make sense of what is going on in your life.

But I will not tell you what to do.

I will answer your questions and help you to explore books, courses and groups if you wish to explore them.

But I will not tell you what to do.

Why Can’t I Tell You What To Do?

I can’t tell you what to do because you are you and I am me. Our life experiences are different. Our personalities are different. Our way of viewing the world is different. Our experiences of grief are different.

Yes, I understand the grief process. I have studied grief extensively and have been trained on a number of different ways of helping you with your grief, some of which I may use when you come to see me.

But I will not impose any formulas on you or tell you how you should be grieving.

You Are The Expert Of Your Own Grief

You are the expert of your own grief are the worlds of Grief Therapist David Kessler.

He experienced some of his own terrible tragedies, yet he never tells people how to grieve. He has counselled people in grief for decades and he has never told them how to grieve.

He understands that each grief is individual. Yes, other people may experience similar things, but they will not have the same grief as you. And what worked for them will not work for you.

Sharing Ideas With Others

It can be helpful to share your experience with other people who will listen.

You may hear ways that other people have managed and find that works for you too. On the flip side, you may hear ways other people have managed and know that is not going to work for you.

As long as the ideas of others are shared in conversation when you want to listen and not shoved down your throat, they may be helpful.

Grief Is Different All The Time

I was reminded of this recently when I found myself feeling inexplicably down, then realised it was the 21st anniversary of my mother’s death. Why this year? Other years I hadn’t even noticed the date, but this year it was really hard.

I am not alone in that experience. People often tell me how confused they are that doing something that has not upset then previously suddenly has caused great distress.

Grief is very like that.

I teach many people that grief is like the seasons. It changes constantly. It is like living in Melbourne! Several seasons in one day. That is how grief impacts.

You can never pick when your grief will impact you. All you can do is learn to roll with the feelings.

Remember The Advice Givers Are Often Uncomfortable With Your Feelings

I always tell people that the advice givers are often giving advice because they are uncomfortable with your feelings.

Maybe they don’t know how to respond.

Maybe they feel they have to “solve your problem” and don’t know how to.

Maybe they were taught to shut down their own feelings.

Maybe they just don’t know how to deal with the discomfort of your emotions.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you to feel heard, understand and to not receive advice, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Losing a Child

There is a lot spoken about losing a partner. Less is spoken about losing a parent. But, I have noticed that one of the biggest gaps is speaking about losing a child.

I Am Supposed To Die First

Losing a child is a terrible nightmare for any parent. Children are supposed to bury us, not vice versa.

When the child is under 18 it is even harder to lose them.

Losing A Child To Illness

Today I am going to talk about losing a child to cancer or other illness. However, there are many aspects of the loss of a child that apply to any death of a child.

Many parents report the devastation of learning their child has a life threatening illness.

There are many decisions to make about care. This is in addition to adjusting to the possible loss of the future you had imagined for your child.

The Pain Of Watching Your Child Suffer

To watch your child have to endure endless blood tests, x-rays, MRIs, CT Scans, Ultrasounds, and more is very hard.

One parent who saw me reported the day they decided to end the tests and treatments was when their child just resignedly put their arm out for yet another blood test. They realised the limited time their child had left should not be filled with endless tests that were not going to result in their child living.

Filling Their Bucket List

Instead this parent opted to give their child loads of experiences. They took time out to go to playgrounds, theme parks, zoos, run on the beach, eat different foods, go on boats, planes, helicopters, a balloon ride, ride on a surfboard. The list is endless.

For this parent the priority was their child’s happiness.

Accepting The End

Before making that decision there was hope of survival. Numerous chemotherapy rounds, radiation therapy, hospitals and more hospitals took their toll on the family. The pain of watching their child suffer was unbearable. The only thing that kept them going was the hope their child had a future.

Then comes the time when you realise there is no future. There is no cure. This disease is terminal.

Letting Go

This is when the terrible decision to end treatment has to be made. There are always the “what ifs”. What if this next treatment works? What if they live a few more months? Is it better to live those few more months after some suffering or to give them the best life they can have (which won’t involve the pain of more treatments).

All this decision making involves letting go.

Letting go of hope of a future. Letting go of your child. Letting go of the quantity of life over the dignity of life and death. Allowing your child to be as pain free as possible.

After Your Child’s Death

The aftermath of a child’s death is awful.

At the time of their death you are surrounded by supporters.

There will be some people who stay in touch, who support you and check in. There may be ones who supply meals, or are available to listen. But over time the frequency of support reduces.

Grief hits hard once your time is no longer occupied keeping your child alive.

Even other children in the family, or having another child, does little to relieve the pain.

The Experience Of Grief For A Parent

When you are busy looking after other children and just surviving, it is hard to process your grief.

Many parents describe the following ways grief showed up in their life:

• Being easily irritated

• Experiencing panic attacks

• Chasing after anything that will fill the void, even if meaningless

• Feeling helpless

• Feeling life is futile

• Feeling so very sad

• Missing the hugs and hearing their voice

• Feeling part of you has died

• Finding it hard to face the day

• Feeling you are constantly scaling immense cliffs just to survive a day

• Constant reminders and memories of your child

• Learning to smile through the pain

• Feeling no one else can understand the immensity of your pain

• Frightened of overwhelming others with your pain

• Experiencing despair at the loss of your child.

Learning To Live Again

Many parents tell me they learned to live in the moment as the only way to move on in life.

Over time parents learn to accept the thoughts around their child. All of them. They acknowledge the thoughts and the emotions that come with them.

Joining a support group of other bereaved parents can be very helpful. One thing it does is help the parents to know they are not alone.

It is possible to survive grief. You can learn to keep that grief a little more distant. This distance allows you to process your grief and allow you to change. If you allow grief to change you and empower you then you can become a better person than you were before your child died.

Remember, grief will humble you. Grief will shatter you. Ultimately it will strengthen and empower you.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, at the loss of your child or any other loss you are struggling with, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au