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There is no such thing as “stages” of grief

In the 1970s the work of Elisabeth Kubler Ross became very popular in bereavement circles. Her initial book was the result of research into the way people managed psychologically with their own death.

In the book Elisabeth described stages people went through. Here is where semantics became a problem. Stages tend to be perceived as something sequential that has to be worked through from 1 to 2 to 3 and so on. But Elisabeth never intended this to be a rigid progression of experiences. She observed that people would move backwards and forwards through these experiences.

It didn’t take long for her work to be adapted to not just the dying but those who were grieving the loss of a loved one. The research had never looked at the experiences of the loved ones of those who were dying, just those who were dying. So there were problems with applying this model to the grieving.

OUR PERCEPTION OF GRIEF HAS BEEN INFLUENCED BY A BOOK ON THE EXPERIENCE OF DYING

But the idea of stages and the need to process death has become pervasive and generally people consider this is what they have to do and become distressed if they feel they are not moving through these stages properly. Some less well educated practitioners in the medical and mental health fields can also fall for this perception and label people who come to see them as being defective because they aren’t moving through these stages properly.

I have lost count of the number of people referred to me because a medical or mental health practitioner has considered they are not progressing properly through their extremely recent grief. A lot of people are sent to me less than a month after the loss! I would not expect anyone that early after the grief event to be making any arbitrary “progress”.

SOME INFORMATION ON GRIEF

Lets have a discussion about grief. Maybe I can help you dispel some of the myths about grief.

SOME DEFINITIONS OF GRIEF:

• Deep or violent sorrow or keen regret

• Emotional suffering that is experienced after a loss. Hard to be put into words although there is a strong need to put it into words so that it can be expressed and shared.

• The personal experience of a loss

• Mourning is a process that occurs after and as a result of a loss

• Mourning is an expression of grief

• Mourning is psychologically referred to as mental and emotional “work” that occurs after the loss of a significant person through death. Or any loss actually.

• Automatic reaction to the loss of someone or something to which you are attached.

SOME FEELINGS YOU MAY EXPERIENCE IN GRIEF:

• Shock

• Emotional release

• Sadness

• Depression

• Isolation

• Anger

• Hostility

• Idealisation

• Confusion

• Guilt

• Relief

• Gradual letting go of what you have lost

• Gradual return to what you consider a more “normal” life

• Be able to acknowledge reality

• Establish a new way of living

• Your own unique way of grieving

• And many more

THEORIES ABOUND AROUND GRIEF

There are a lot of theories about this normal process and they have influenced how mental health workers approach grief. These are summarised into four different theoretical areas:

Emotional sickness to be avoided (!!!!)
Psychological reality to face and accept
Process of psychological growth and transition to a better life
Set of developmental tasks to be fulfilled.

EMOTIONAL SICKNESS!!!

The first theory that influences how members of society perceive death, and also how many mental health practitioners perceive death, is so wrong. Death is a normal part of life and it is normal to be sad, disoriented and preoccupied by your reaction to death or the loss of anything important in your life.

Reality to face and accept (mmm)The second theory is okay. Yes, losing someone or something we love and have a deep attachment to is devastating and does need to be processed in order to move on. So the reality of what has happened does need to be accepted eventually and we do need to face this reality. Although our brains usually protect us from full on facing the reality by offering up distractions so we don’t overload our brains.

PSYCHOLOGICAL GROWTH AND TRANSITION TO A BETTER LIFE (??)

The third theory is better. We do grow psychologically as a result of processing grief. I am not sure that it is fair to say you transition to a better life. Can life without your loved one actually be better? Maybe you just transition to a life without them that can be fulfilling and meaningful.

TASKS, TASKS, TASKS

The fourth theory is very task oriented. That puts a lot of pressure on people to feel they have a checklist of tasks to complete in order to grieve “successfully”.

SO YOU HAVE COME TO SEE ME ABOUT YOUR GRIEF

Another way of approaching grief is to consider that a mental health practitioner use theories, skills and their own intuition to help the grieving person learn to live their entire life effectively.

A HELPFUL WAY TO PERCEIVE YOUR GRIEF

Most people find it helpful to perceive their grief as a time to:

Accept the reality of what they have lost
Work through the pain of their grief
Adjust to an environment without the person or object they have lost
Develop a new way of being that allows them to be with the pain of their loss but also be able to continue living. This often involves finding a new meaning in their life

CLEAR AS MUD?

Sometimes you do need to talk. After all, I earlier mentioned that one definition of grief is that it is something that needs to be expressed and shared.

Maybe you can find that space to do that.

Often it is difficult. It is hard to discuss your grief with people who also loved this person. That can make it hard for you to say what you need to say.

Sometimes well meaning friends will say what they think are helpful things to say:

• It’s all for the best

• You should be over it by now

• Your loved on wouldn’t want to see you this way

• You must be strong for your children, your mother, your father etc.

• Best not to talk about it, just get over it and move on with life.

• The sooner you forget the better

• And so on.

DO YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE?

So you may find you need to talk to someone who will listen and let you express what you need to. Someone who will tell you that you are not going mad. Someone who will tell you that you aren’t getting over things too slowly. Someone who will know how to help you if you do find yourself stuck.

On those occasions you need to see a grief trained practitioner.

I CAN HELP

I am trained in working with grief. if you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

9 Steps to Managing Conversations at the Dreaded Family Christmas

Families are never completely harmonious. They are comprised of people, bound together by genetic and marital ties, who often are not free to discuss conflicts as openly as is healthy. There are often undercurrents of tension and unresolved hurts in any family interactions.

Add a family Christmas, with all the stresses that “perfect” day brings. Add to the mix some freeing alcohol. Add to the mix the proximity with people who have caused those tensions and unresolved hurts.

Mix these ingredients and you have an explosive mix.

You can try to avoid difficult topics, but inevitably something will come up, particularly if you have the mix listed above.

Below are 8 steps you can use to survive the family Christmas. 8 steps to help you keep away from the difficult topics you may not be ready to discuss in a large family gathering.

PREPARE FOR THE DAY.

Are you expecting challenging topics of conversation? Plan in advance how to manage and deescalate these potential ignition points.
a) PLAN TO SET BOUNDARIES

You can set boundaries by letting family members know what areas are contentious and that you want avoided. You can practice how you will set this boundary in a positive, affirming way.

Maybe you might say something like: “I love seeing you and our time together is really great. There are just some things that we disagree on and maybe we can avoid discussing them today so that we can enjoy our time together.”

b) PREPARE AHEAD

Before you meet up, think about happy things you and this family member/s have in common. Are there happy childhood memories you can share, do you have the same interests? Brainstorm ideas of topics of conversation so you are ready to have a conversation. When you have no topic to discuss, conversations tend to follow well worn paths. If those well worn paths are the contentious ones, then that is what you are going to end up having a conversation about.

REDIRECT THE CONVERSATION.

Preparing ahead safe topics to discuss will allow you to quickly redirect the conversation to a safer topic that is related to the contentious topic. It is easier to pivot if the topic is related somehow, so if someone brings up a humiliating episode when you were a child and were swimming, you may bring in a conversation about wonderful beaches to visit and direct people to that topic. In that situation, the chances are that others in the conversation are not happy to bring up the humiliating episode either and will welcome the change to change the topic.

REHEARSE WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY.

When you are under stress, you will tend to do what is habitual. So well used responses to others will tend to be used. This will quickly derail your intention to steer away from the uncomfortable conversations. So practise what you will say. Have imaginary conversations where the other person says something they usually say, or makes a comment about a situation they usually comment on. Imagine redirecting the conversation away from that contentious comment and what you will say. While you are doing this, imagine being relaxed and able to deflect any triggers in their words. Imagine calmly setting a boundary, or redirecting the conversation, or making a statement.

While you are imagining this conversation, practice taking calming breaths and imagine you are releasing all the tension and it is flying away as you breathe out. As you breathe in, imagine you are breathing in peace and calm.

If you have a family member who makes highly politicised comments, or makes racist comments, or expresses strong extremist viewpoints, practice a statement that acknowledges their opinion but indicates it is not up for discussion. The well tried response to this is to “agree to disagree” and have no more conversation around that.

Sometimes these statements are deliberate attempts to bait you into responding. Don’t. Set the boundary and try to change the topic of conversation. If the person still persists, walk away. Take a walk around the block if you need to calm down. Just remain calm until you are somewhere where it is safe for you to be upset. More on that later.

BRING OUT THE OLD HAPPY MEMORIES.

This is another redirecting technique. Bringing out a positive family story involving a happy memory. The more family members involved in this memory the better. If you start off saying “Remember when xxx” you are inviting others to add their recollections of the memory. Not only is that fun to share in happy reminiscences, it also shuts down anyone negative due to the weight of people participating in a new conversation.

Remember, a family member who is difficult for you to get along with, may also be difficult for others to get along with. Other family members may welcome your efforts to redirect the conversation and be more than happy to jump in with enthusiasm. After all, everyone wants to have a lovely day.

FOCUS ON FUN FAMILY TRADITIONS.

There will no doubt be things your family enjoy doing together on family occasions. There are families that love to gather around the piano and sing Christmas carols. Others love to play games. Others have a post Christmas lunch walk.

If your family has traditions then make sure they are carried out. If they don’t have any, then introduce some new things you think family members will be interested in. Prepare the ground for this. Talk about this “fun” idea with family members you think will be useful allies in this so that when you introduce the idea it will be supported by other people. These traditions are a great way to distract from unpleasant conversations.

PRACTICE GRATITUDE.

In the lead up to Christmas, think of at least 10 things to be grateful for each day. Write them down and say them out loud, followed by three thank yous. Slowly introduce gratitudes for family members.

Don’t force the jolliness. Find things you are genuinely grateful for. They may range from extraordinary things to the seemingly mundane such as your health, your home, your job and so on.

Each day add gratitudes for family members. Start with the ones you love seeing. As you get close to Christmas think about the ones that cause you grief. Is there anything about them you like? Anything about them you admire? Try to find something to be grateful for about them. One might be that they are diligent about attending the family Christmas every year. Another might be they help with the washing up. Another might be they love their car. Find something to be grateful for.

Finding positives help you to feel more empowered and more in control of those difficult situations. It also helps to see the main protagonists as people with less power than you thought they had.

FIND ALLIES.

Think about who will be at the Christmas event and identify those you find supportive. They may be the type who will speak up and support you at the time of the difficulty, or they may be someone you can speak to later to help you calm down.

It is easier to manage in stressful situations when you know you have support.

PRACTICE CALMING TECHNIQUES.

One of the easiest ways to calm down is breathing. It is best to practice this technique in advance so that it is second nature when you need it. If you try this for the first time when you need it, it is unlikely to work effectively.

a) MINDFUL BREATHING

The best way to practice is to start small.

• Set a reminder on your phone for every hour if possible.

• Now prepare to breathe for 1 minute.

• Set a timer for 1 minute.

• Sit quietly with your hands resting in your lap.

• You may choose to let your focus slip or you may choose to close your eyes.

• Now breathe in while noticing the feeling of the air entering your nose and your chest and tummy rising with the in breath.

• Now breathe out while notice the feeling of your chest and tummy falling and the feeling of the air passing through your nose.

• With the next in breath, imagine you are inhaling calming air. Imagine it is a beautiful calming colour such as blue or green, whatever your find calming. See that coloured air entering your nose and lungs.

• Now breathe out all the tension and difficult emotions. Imagine the air you breathe out is the colour of tension and difficult emotions such as red, whatever you find expresses what you are feeling.

• Continue breathing in calm and breathing out tension. You can say to yourself I am breathing in calm on the in breath. And you can say I am breathing out tension/anger (name emotion) on the out breath.

• If you notice your mind wander away from noticing your breath just return your attention to your breath without judging yourself.

• Continue until 1 minute is up. Notice how you are feeling calmer and more in control of your emotions.

If you practice your 1 minute mediation as often as you can you may consider the next day practising for 5 minutes sometimes and 1 minute at others.

Practice as often as you can. When you need this calming at the Christmas event you will find it easier to slip into the practice if you have taken the time to practice in advance.

You can use mindful breathing sitting or moving around. Many people practice as they are walking. This is something you might try if you need to get some space away from the difficult people.

b) RELEASING WALK

The walk works like this:

• Don’t rush to push the emotions you feel away. Allow yourself to feel them, name them and walk them out. Stamp if you need to, walk fast if you need to. Swing your arms around. Whatever allows you to release what you are feeling.

• Once you have allowed yourself that time and you have acknowledged and released the emotions you can then walk at a calmer pace at your speed.

• Notice what is around you. What can you see, hear, smell, touch or taste?

• Take a deep in breath. Notice the sensation of that breath entering your body as you walk.

• Release that breath and notice the sensation of it leaving your body as you walk.

• Continue breathing and paying attention to your breath.

• Remember to breathe in calm and breathe out stress, anger and/or other distressing emotions you are experiencing.

• As you notice yourself feeling calmer, you can start paying attention to the beauty around you.

• Remember to just return your attention to your breath if your mind starts to wander.

• As you settle into this calming routine, allow yourself to feel your feet on the ground. Feel the ground supporting you are you walk.

• Allow yourself to feel the air around you. Feel the air wrapping you in its loving embrace.

• Continue walking, feeling the calm and feeling the support that surrounds you.

• When you are ready you can return to the gathering.

• You may decide to stay there, you may decide to communicate boundaries, you may decide to leave. Do whatever feels right for you.

MAKE OTHER ARRANGEMENTS

If you feel that it is too distressing to attend the family Christmas, make other arrangements.

Maybe you would like to attend a community lunch.

Maybe you know other people who are on their own at Christmas. Perhaps you can get together to celebrate.

Maybe you would like the day alone with some lovely food and a stack of movies/games/books you would love to watch.

You may even find other family members don’t like the event and would be happy to do something with you instead.

A FINAL WORD

You have prepared yourself for the family Christmas and it is still difficult. Be okay with that. Don’t forget your strategies. Set realistic expectations of how people will be and prepare for this.

Do take the time to take some calming breaths before responding to other people. It can help to name what you are feeling. This allows you to cope better. It also allows you space to decide to not react to this person. It is in this moment you may choose to walk away, or calmly say their comment is inappropriate, or not funny, or unacceptable or anything else.

People can get to you with their behaviour and comments because you have unresolved hurts. After Christmas, review the family Christmas. What came up for you? Is there something you need to resolve. Counselling can be really helpful to explore and resolve old hurts. You can also learn helpful strategies to cope.

WHERE TO GET HELP

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your unresolved hurts, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

PLEASE NOTE PLENTIFUL LIFE COUNSELLING WILL BE CLOSED FROM 5PM 21 DECEMBER 2022 AND WILL RE OPEN AT 9AM ON 9 JANUARY 2023.

Creating Meaning at Christmas When Meaning has Gone

At this time of year, many people who come to see me about their grief become worried about the looming Festivities of Christmas.

Many don’t know how to make their Christmas be anything but awful and devoid of meaning. They are grieving and the person who made it worthwhile will not be there anymore.

Maybe you want to pause Christmas for a year?

If you have other family members who don’t want to do that, especially children, then you can’t really do that.

Maybe the one you loved always enjoyed Christmas and you are determined to honour their memory by celebrating Christmas. But you don’t know how to do that.

I always suggest that this may be a time for new traditions, new ways of doing Christmas that honour the one who is gone, but still allow for celebration.

Here is a suggestion of how you can plan a new type of Christmas.

STEP 1

The first step is to plan activities that will help bring new meaning to the day.

Get a notebook and start writing down.

• An activity that expresses your values (what is important to you?)

• An activity that makes you smile.

• An activity that you find relaxing.

• An activity that connect you with people you care about.

• An activity that makes you think.

• An activity you enjoy but never have time for.

• An activity that brings back wonderful memories

• A spiritual activity that makes you feel connected to a higher power.

• An activity that isn’t always fun.

• Any other activities you can think of that you find meaningful.

STEP 2

The next step is go read through your list.

What on this list is something you most long to do? Are they things you can do at Christmas? Are they small enough to fit into a hour or two . . . or less?

Make a list of the things you can fit in to Christmas.

Take 2 pages and divide them between the morning and afternoon/evening.

Start at the hour you normally get up.

Have the finish time when you normally get to bed.

Now divide the day evenly between the two pages, marking off every hour from when you start the day to when you end the day.

Now write in the things you know you need to do on the day.

I want you to include on this list at least one time when you will do something to honour the person who is no longer with you. This doesn’t have to take long. Just acknowledge them.

I also want you to include down time when you may nap, meditate, read a book, sit under a tree, take a walk and so on.

Now look at the time left over.

Look at your list of activities.

Choose the ones you can achieve in the day. You may want to brainstorm how you might do each activity.

Now look at your spare slots and choose 2 to 3 activities you can fit into those slots.

Make sure the activities you choose are ones you know you can do. Try to fit one activity as early as you can in the day and another activity as late as you can in the day.

STEP 3

Evaluation.

It is the day after Christmas.

How did your day go?

Did you do your special activities?

How did it go?

Look at your list of activities. Is there one you can do today?

Maybe there will be ones you can do tomorrow, the day after, and so on.

These special activities are not just for Christmas.

Make that decision to include in your life activities that give meaning to you. As you learn to live with the loss of your loved one, meaning in your life now is one things you must learn. Why not use that learning to help you live through this.

NEED MORE HELP?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How to set healthy boundaries at family Christmas get togethers

We all know the pressure to have the perfect Christmas. There is also the pressure to buy presents, to prepare food, to clean the house if you are hosting anyone for Christmas, or to travel away from home with all its associated stress if you are visiting for Christmas.

It is well accepted that Christmas can be a stressful time.

It is also accepted that getting together with family can be stressful as well.

Another stressful aspect of Christmas is the sheer volume of Christmas parties you may be invited to. You may receive more invitations than you feel comfortable accepting, yet you do accept them because you don’t want to let anyone down, or disappoint them.

All this stress can be overwhelming and make Christmas a less than enjoyable time for you.

Many people learn early in life to please other people. Maybe you are a people pleaser.

You may have learned to do this in your childhood home. It may have been a matter of survival. You may have learned to do this to make friends at school, or protect yourself from bullies. You may have learned to do it due to being in an abusive relationship. You may have learned to do it because you didn’t believe people would like you if you said no.

Whatever the reason, it can be a problem at Christmas.

It can be a problem when you feel you have to accept every invitation to attend a Christmas Party, even when you feel overwhelmed with busyness.

It can be a problem when you see family members at Christmas and you fear the expectations they have that you will go alone with anything they suggest.

Of course, you won’t only be a people pleaser at Christmas. It is just that it seems to be a time when you are called on more to people please and your stress levels are already high.

What do you do about it?

It is worthwhile considering how much of a problem this is.

To determine the extent of the problem it is helpful to understand the impact people pleasing can have on you.

• It can increase your stress

• It can lead to you feeling depressed

• You can feel resentful

• You can feel angry

• You can push yourself to the point of exhaustion which can impact your physical health

• It can lead to you now enjoying Christmas time at all

• It can cause you to neglect your self care

• It can harm your relationships

SO WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT IT?

We all say yes to things on occasion that we may not want to do. That is a choice we make in accommodating other people.

But if you say yes all the time, even when you don’t want to, then you do need to do something about it.

People pleasing, or fawning, is a stress response. It is part of the responses our brain activates when we are in danger.

The most well know of those responses are Fight and Flight. People pleasing, or fawning, is part of this group of defence mechanisms. When you fawn, you seek to accommodate the needs of others to the point where you don’t meet your own needs.

You may find you are not able to tell others how you really feel about something.

You may put the needs of others ahead of your own. A good example of that is saying yes to a Christmas party invitation when you are exhausted and really need to rest.

You may say yes to every request made of you.

You may seek to flatter others.

You may have low self esteem.

You will probably go to great lengths to avoid conflict

You may feel you are taken advantage of and that may really irritate you.

You may worry about fitting in with others and be frightened of having an argument with another person.

THE HIDDEN COSTS OF BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER

Because you always put your needs last, you are more vulnerable to emotional abuse and being exploited by others. You are also more vulnerable to abusive relationships.

At Christmas, being a people pleaser can lead to high levels of stress and you finding this time of year anything but relaxing.

SOME BANDAID MEASURES TO TRY

Feeling safe enough not to people please is a slow process. There are some things you can try in the interim. How effective they are will depend on how safe you feel, but you will only know when you try.

It is helpful to enlist the support of someone else who can be there and give you encouragement, give you some time out and be a listening ear when you need it.

THIS IS IMPORTANT TO KNOW

You need to know these important things:

• You deserve to be able to do what you want

• You deserve to be here and to take up space

• You are enough, just as you are

• Your thoughts, feelings, opinions and boundaries matter

• Most of the time when you say no you will survive.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN “MOST OF THE TIME”?

I would never recommend you stand up to a violent abuser or a coercive controller. That is dangerous. If you are in those situations it is best to contact 1800 RESPECT for assistance.

Apart from that it is okay to say no.

WHAT ARE THE BANDAID MEASURES?

The main measures to take are to be able to say “no”.

Your friend asks you to come to her party. You don’t want to go. You are worried about disappointing her by saying no.

STOP

You deserve to be able to do what you want.

You take a deep breath and say “no, I can’t come”. You may like to add a thankyou for your invitation.

It is important to remember that you don’t have to explain why you are saying no. Your no is no and that is good enough.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE

You arrive at your Aunt’s house for the extended family get together. She is a very organised and determined woman, used to give you orders and expecting you to jump to obey them.

You have drive 2 hours through heavy traffic to get there and you are tired, frazzled and need to destress for a while.

She jumps in with an order to prepare something in the kitchen. I might add at this point that everyone has brought food to contribute to the family feast so there is nothing to prepare in the kitchen.

You don’t want to. You need to sit for a while and see the rest of the family.

You have enlisted your partner to support you.

You say “no”. it is probably a good idea to add “when it is time to put the food out I can help you for a short while”.

She may be stunned you said no. She may try to shame you into helping. She may want to argue. If you can , walk away. If need be you may need to tell her that you need to destress after the drive and want to catch up with family members. You may ask if she has caught up with family members and suggest you can do that together.

Your partner can also support you by steering you away from your aunt, or, if necessary, stepping in to enforce the boundary.

HOW DO I LEARN TO SET BOUNDARIES

I have already mentioned that people pleasing is a survival response. It is learned because of traumatic situations.

When you have trauma in your past, you often find it hard to feel safe and manage your emotions, which are often very strong. You will frequently feel unsafe and that is something that you can heal from slowly with the correct treatment.

In Australia the Blue Knot Foundation has well respected trauma treatment guidelines that are effective in healing. It is wise to seek out a therapist who adheres to these guidelines.

WHERE CAN I FIND A THERAPIST?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your people pleasing, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How can I manage grief and Christmas, especially a family Christmas?

Since the COVID pandemic began, many people have experienced Christmases that have been dramatically different to previous years. With lockdowns many people could not travel to see family. During that time also people died. Funerals were delayed until relatives could attend. People didn’t get to say goodbye. Families didn’t get together so the death of the family member was not able to be grieved fully.

Now restrictions are lifted. People can travel to see each other.

With family get togethers at Christmas resuming for many, there is a chance of a resurgence of old tensions. There is also adjusting to the different family makeup with the loss of those who have died.

WHAT WILL CHRISTMAS LOOK LIKE FOR YOU THIS YEAR?

There is such societal pressure for Christmas to be magical. The shows on television, the ads, the social media posts of perfect Christmases. All these things influence your belief around Christmas needing to be perfect.

So we arrive at this perfect Christmas Day stressed and most likely yelling at each other. So now we are stressed and upset.

Now add Grief to that mix!

When you are struggling with grief and the absence of people who once were part of your life it seems that everyone else is having a better Christmas than you. And there is that feeling that you should be doing that too.

It seems everyone wants to present to the world their perfect Christmas. But not that many people experience that perfection at Christmas. After all, who wants reality at Christmas? We are all programmed for perfection and who wants to admit they don’t have it.

The more people you add to the Christmas mix, you greater the chance your Christmas will not be perfect. It is wise to remember that.

HOW JANIE* HANDLED CHRISTMAS

Janie’s Father died just after Christmas 30 years ago. She remembers sitting with him on Christmas Day and him wishing her Merry Christmas. It was the last time he spoke to Janie before he died.

The next Christmas, Janie said Merry Christmas to her father and set an empty place at the table for him. She has done that every year since then.

ROBERT* AND HIS CHILDREN HAD A DIFFERENT APPROACH

Robert and his children tried to avoid Christmas after his wife Sally died. The first year they went away for Christmas. They tried to avoid it completely and all the family get togethers.

The next Christmas they put up a new tree with generic decorations as you would see in any business at Christmas. They couldn’t face the special memories of their own tree and decorations. On Christmas day they went to the cemetery instead of getting together with family.

The third Christmas they put up their old tree with all its special memories and set a place at the table for their mother. They decided they needed to remember that life goes on even when the person you love so much is gone. They invited their family to come to them and found it healing to be with people who knew and loved Sally too.

HOW WILL YOU HANDLE CHRISTMAS?

You most likely will not feel like this, but you need to be proactive in your approach to being with others for Christmas.

One suggestion is to let people know what you want from them. They will most likely be worried about whether to mention your loved one, or whether they are a taboo subject. There is no hard and fast rule on this one and most people know that. Let them know how you want them to be. That way you can all experience less stress around what to say.

Let people know if you want to be left alone, or if you want someone to have coffee and a chat with. Let them know if you want the occasional contact to check in on you. Let them know if you appreciate gifts of food or flowers. If you want these things and no contact then let them know you would prefer them to leave it at the front door.

Don’t forget to acknowledge the help people give. You may feel frozen and unable to see anything positive, but you can be aware of the benefits of the care other people demonstrate for you. Thanking them not only lets them know they are doing something that you find helpful, but it is also beneficial for you to express the positive things that happen for you. This helps you engage with life. Something you may not want to do, but need to do.

CARING FOR CHILDREN

When a loved one dies it is tempting to shut everything down. But if there are children involved you need to have greater consideration. Children need to know life does go on. It might not feel it now, but it will go on. They may also want the stability of routine in their lives.

Christmas is one of the routines they may be relying on for stability.

HOW DO YOU RECONCILE YOUR NEED TO GRIEVE WITH THE NEEDS OF CHILDREN?

It is important to acknowledge your loved one and to include memories of them in the day.

You may decide not to make as big a fuss over the day as other years.

Ultimately you may decide to do at Christmas what makes the children happy.

WAYS TO REMEMBER YOUR LOVED ONE AT CHRISTMAS

Many people set a place at their table for their loved one.

Another idea is for everyone to write down their memories of your loved one and put them in a box under the Christmas tree. This can be unwrapped and the memories read out. Sharing stories together is very unifying and a wonderful way to remember someone, and learn more about them. It also makes it acceptable to include them in Christmas.

Maybe you may like to watch their favourite Christmas movie, or listen to their favourite Christmas song.

Or you may like to add an item to the menu that they particularly loved eating. Then you can eat it as a remembrance of them.

HOW TO MANAGE WITH EXTENDED FAMILY THERE

It is hard facing Christmas without your loved one. It is hard when you have a family get together and you have to negotiate all the festivities while grieving. You always need to consider the needs of children in this mix and that is hard too.

If you do have a family Christmas, let family members know what you expect from them. Don’t forget, they may be grieving too.

It is important to remember that Christmas is never perfect, just as life is never perfect. Have the best day you can and accept the imperfections. Remember it is okay to be sad and even cry. Remember that you grieve because you loved and grief is an expression of love.

TO SUMMARISE

When you are grieving, Christmas is likely to be a time tinged with sadness.

You may like to set an empty place for your loved one. You may decide to not make as big a fuss as other years.

It may take you a few years to feel up to having a big family Christmas again.

Start new rituals that will help you commemorate your loved one. They may be temporary or become an established part of Christmas.

Do find ways to connect to family and friends as well as the wider community. You may for a while seek out support groups of others who are grieving. Healing needs the support and involvement of community as well as individual reflection. Often you will find healing in the support of other community members including your family.

SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP IF YOU NEED IT

If you need extra help, you may consider seeking the support of a grief counsellor.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

NOTE

*please note that whenever I mention someone in my blogs I never use real names and change the circumstances to de-identify the person who has generously given permission for me to use their story in my blog.

How to Manage Stressful Family Christmases

Christmas is coming.

Life is busy.

If you share in a group Christmas with family or friends then there are presents to buy.

There is food to arrange and buy.

There may be Christmas Cards, the annual Christmas email or other contacts to be done.

You may have work deadlines to be meet.

You may be out of work and looking for new work.

Stress levels are high.

You may be worried about missing family members.

You may also be worrying about having to see family members you don’t particularly get along with.

The last thing you need with all the stresses just getting to Christmas is to have to deal with difficult family situations.

You may feel pressured to meet with friends/family out of a sense of obligation.

For many people, meeting with family means being shoved into a family role that you don’t fit.

This can be distressing, frustrating, even traumatising.

There may be too many family secrets you are forced to keep to find anything enjoyable or relaxing about being with family this Christmas.

You may find that your sense of Who you Are is severely challenged by being caught up in the family’s expectations of who you are and how you should behave. Often, your family’s idea of who you are is claustrophobic and triggering.

You may find yourself switching from a strong confident person, to a powerless mess who is unable to set healthy boundaries around your family’s behaviours.

You may find that no matter how firm you are, they just ignore your boundaries.

There are a number of things you can do to manage this

Do you think there is a solution to this family problem? If you do then there are some strategies you can try. I will list them further down this blog.

You may have already tried many strategies and come to the conclusion that the only approach is to put up with them or not go at all.

WHAT IF YOU DON’T GO?

Maybe you will decide it is not worth the stress and you would rather do something else.

Do you have your own immediate family such as a partner, children? Maybe you can try staying home with them and planning your own Christmas.

DECIDING TO GO WHEN THERE ARE CRITICISERS THERE

When family members are unpleasant it is often because you are sensitive to their approval. They are more than happy to make you jump through hoops to get fragments of approval.

Come prepared. Don’t expect their approval. Expect them to be negative. Maybe enlist someone who can support you.

If you feel able. Prepare firm but caring responses to the type of negative comments you expect them to give.

For example: Do they make comments about what you are wearing? Maybe they make a comment about you dressing down for the occasion. Rehearse responses such as: “I like to be comfortable.” Or “I like my outfit and I will wear it when I want to.” You may prefer to take a firmer approach. “I can see it matters to you to give an opinion on my outfit, but I wear clothes to suit me and I don’t seek anyone else’s opinion”. “You frequently make comments about what I wear. I am not interested in your opinion. I wear clothes for me, not for approval.”

These are suggestions of what you might say. If you can find a family member to support you, they may have ideas of something you can say.

Remember, you want to set a boundary so you just need to say something that will communicate to them that their comments are not accepted.

DECIDING TO GO WHEN THERE ARE ORGANISERS THERE

Another problem family member is the one who thinks you are their personal slave. You arrive and are bombarded with instructions on what you are to do. That is fine if everyone is working together to put the party together. However, if you are constantly given the awful jobs you may need to say something such as:

“Every year you give me the same thing to do, this year I want to do (nominate what you want to do) so that is what I will be doing.” If they want to argue, for example: “xx always likes to do that” you can always respond “it is time we all did different jobs”.

If you are the one picked on and others get to sit and relax, may be you need to respond differently. Maybe you can say “I am happy to help you for a few minutes later, but right now I have just arrived and I would like a chance to say hello to everyone and catch my breath.” Make sure later you only help for a few minutes.

It can be really helpful to enlist the support of another family member to back you up. And remember to rehearse your boundary setting statements. You are there to set a boundary and your communication needs to say that. You don’t have to explain yourself, just set that boundary.

WHEN A PAST ABUSER IS PRESENT

This one is very tricky. If your family know about the abuse and still support the other person then they have made a choice to support your abuser. They may claim they are remaining neutral. But sitting on the fence and declaring you are neutral when the elephant is squashing the mouse is not neutral from the mouse’s perspective. By doing nothing you sitting on the fence is supporting the elephant.

Many people fail to understand that allowing such behaviour to continue actually condones the behaviour.

You need to decide whether you can face seeing your abuser. If you can’t, then you may need to find alternative arrangements for Christmas.

You do not have to go to a family gathering when someone who has abused you is there and people are ignoring what has happened.

DO YOU NEED HELP?

It may be you need help to face the coming Christmas. You may need to talk through past trauma. You may need some strategies to cope with a difficult family member. You may need support to decide you will not go.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your family christmas, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The many faces of grief

Everyone has a picture in their minds about what grief looks like.

What is your picture?

Here are some comments I have heard over the years:

It is so difficult to sleep, I usually toss and turn until 2-3am.

I sleep so deeply and struggle to get up before 10am.

I had a drive to write special cards for all my friends and family. I didn’t want to do it at home, so I went to the beach and sat in the sun while I made the cards.

I felt so restless and couldn’t sleep. So I spent the night out in the shed chopping up old pallets to reuse the wood.

I just wanted to escape so I went out in my boat.

I can’t seem to stop getting angry with people. Anything makes me angry. People are avoiding me because of it.

I so wanted to talk to my sister. So I wrote a message to her and put it inside a balloon and let it loose. I just watched it floating higher and higher and imagined my sister was reaching out to grab it.

I went to bed, pulled the covers up over my head and didn’t come out.

I haven’t been able to leave the house for weeks. Everything is so overwhelming and scary.

I cleaned the house thoroughly. No room escaped. I even moved the furniture and cleaned behind it. I removed individual books from the book shelves and dusted them thoroughly. Nothing was left untouched. As I cleaned I cried and cried. Eventually my tears ran out and the house was spotless.

I just couldn’t bring myself to get in the shower so I didn’t shower for days.

I couldn’t stand being at home with my thoughts so I went back to work.

As the day drew to a close, I walked to the swings in my local park and sat for hours just swinging.

I went to the gym, all day, every day. I worked and worked to get out the pain. And I jogged there and back home, on the odd occasion I actually went home.

I put on a façade of “everything’s alright” when I was out and with other people. But once I got home I just cried and cried.

I avoided seeing people. I was so embarrassed by the way the tears would just come. We are supposed to be tough. Plus I hated seeing the compassion in other people’s eyes.

I went and talked to my son’s friends. We even shared a joint together. It felt so good to connect with them. It felt like he was there too.

I would drop the children at school and come back home. I couldn’t bring myself to go into the house where she wasn’t so I sat outside in the car willing myself to go inside and crying.

I was given her chair and I used to sit in it and imagine I was sitting on her lap being cuddled.

I see him everywhere and my spirits soar, then I get closer and realise it isn’t him. It is devastating.

I can’t bring myself to drive past the place where he died. I know I have to some day, but for now I just can’t do it.

I planted her favourite rose in the garden. It is flowering now and I sit and watch them and go outside and smell them. When I do that I feel she is here with me.

I still can’t believe he is gone. I wake up and turn to him to say good morning. Then I remember.

I just want to talk to her. We spoke every day. This silence is so hard. I used to tell her everything. Now who do I tell things to?

To finish up, here is a lovely quote I found online:

“Small things can trigger a fresh wave of grief … a smell, a look or perhaps a song … within seconds you are flung into a time machine and are transported back to the ‘moment’ when time stood still, and the world had crashed at your feet.” Zoe Clark-Coates from sayinggoodbye.org

NEED HELP?

Grief is never easy and sometimes you need someone to talk to. If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How Grief Helps With Your Loss

Did you know that you have a wonderful, highly effective tool to help you when you lose someone you deeply love?

Inbuilt.

Always available.

Requires careful handling and to be able to do its thing.

What is it?

It is Grief.

Grief is a tool that allows you to change your identity in light of your loss.

It is also a tool that allows you to get to know yourself, the Who Am I self, better. Because losing someone will change who you are and you need to know who you are in order to live.

HOW DOES THIS WORK?

Loss of someone you deeply love is disorienting, devastating, painful, confusing, life upending and self concept destroying.

How do you recover from that?

You do that through grief.

Yes, grief is distressing.

But it also motivates you to work to live. To learn how to live with the reality of the loss of the person you loved so much.

A NOTE OF CAUTION

To live after someone you love dies does not involve ending the relationship with the person.

You will most likely continue to relate to that person.

• You will remember them,

• You may allow yourself to be influenced by their interests, values and the way they loved to live their life,

• You may find your own way of being, recognising the benefits that person brought to your life.

Of course, they are no longer there so you will not be able to go places with them, or do the things together you used to do.

But you can remember the things you did together and the places you went. And you can learn new ways of being.

HOW DOES GRIEF HELP?

The pain of grief, the emotions you feel, help you to understand the things about your relationship with that person that mattered.

It helps you to understand what was important about that person.

Loss takes away your sense of who you are, because who you are was related to the person who is no longer with you.

Grief allows you to explore who you are now. It allows you to consider the things that matter to you including your values, life plans and way of living.

Grief allows you to restructure your life so that you can continue living.

NOTE: GRIEF IS NOT EASY

The pain of losing someone you love will always be hard and hurt.

Grief is not easy. But then change never is.

Learning to live without the person you love is change.

Living is something you are going to continue to do.

Learning how to do that is Grief’s gift to allow you to explore how to live.

GRIEF IS A JOURNEY BEST WALKED WITH OTHERS

Remember this journey is not one you will do on your own.

You may have family and friends who will support you.

You may also wish to get more specialised help from a Grief Counsellor.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

3 Important things to understand about being human

1 Your life is yours alone to live. No one else can live it and no one else totally understands what you are experiencing. They may have some understanding but never total.

2. You are not designed to live your life alone.

3. Loving others means you will encounter loss and grief in your lifetime.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

In your life you will experience grief. No one else will totally understand what you are experiencing, although some may make an effort to listen to you.

Others will tell you they “know exactly what you are feeling” (which they don’t).

Others will expect you to “be over it already”.

You may feel pressured by past experiences of grief to be over it. Maybe you have even told others the same thing. Now you are on the receiving end and learning fast the reality of grief.

THE REALITY OF GRIEF IS OFTEN PRETTY AWFUL

Experiencing grief brings with it many paradoxes. One is that you need the support of others, but you don’t want to mix with others.

The thought of having to explain yourself to others is overwhelming.

The thought of others not listening to you or trying to shut down your grief is daunting.

Add to that the fact that it is exhausting having to interact with others while dealing with such a difficult time.

BEING ALONE

You are very likely to want to be alone.

Being alone is okay. We all need alone time to reset and recharge. Alone time allows you to process things you are feeling. It allows you to be able to cope with the demands of interacting with other people.

There is alone time and there is social time. There is the support of others and there is time to process alone.

In the early days of your grief you may well want to be alone. That is okay. There are a number of overwhelming emotions to deal with. You need time to reflect. You also need time to grieve. To honour the emotions.

ANOTHER PARADOX.

Alone time is important.

But too much alone time is harmful.

Initially you may want to be alone, or you may want to be surrounded by people.

Sooner of later you will find yourself preferring alone time.

People will tell you that you shouldn’t be alone and will put pressure on you to go out more.

Only you can know what is right for you.

It is okay to go out and enjoy yourself without your loved one. It is also okay to stay at home and continue to process their loss.

My general rule of thumb is to make a decision to go out occasionally but also to make a decision to allow yourself to stay home occasionally as well.

IT IS ALWAYS HELPFUL TO HAVE SUPPORT WHEN YOU ARE GRIEVING

Having someone to bounce ideas off, to help you on those days when you can’t get it together, to give you hugs when you need them, to allow you to cry when you want to, is really helpful when you are grieving.

If you feel you are not grieving “properly” then it is helpful to seek a grief trained counsellor. I see a lot of people who make the appointment to see me because they believe they are not grieving properly. In most cases, they are grieving in a completely healthy way.

If you are concerned it is helpful to seek counselling.

If you feel you don’t have support and you really need it, it is helpful to seek counselling.

If you see me I can help you explore what is right for you and to feel more secure about what feels right for you at this stage in your life.

HOW TO CONTACT ME FOR HELP

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Anguish and Grief

Many people who come to see me describe their grief.

They talk about collapse as a result of unbearable and traumatic swirls of emotions.

This has occurred when their loved one has died, when they have found out their loved one’s death is imminent, even some time after the loss of their loved one.

The feeling they were experiencing was anguish.

Anguish is an almost unbearable and traumatic swirl of shock, incredulity, grief and powerlessness. A feeling so overpowering that it affects the entire body. Anguish causes a crumpling in on yourself, even a collapse.

This extreme state has been little researched. As though researchers cannot bear to be close to such an extreme and awful feeling.

You only have to look at the synonyms for anguish to get an understanding of how horrible a feeling it is:

• agony

• grief

• heartache

• heartbreak

• misery

• sorrow

• suffering

• torment

• woe

• affliction

• distress

• torture

• wretchedness

It most definitely is not:

• delight

• happiness

• health

• joy

• comfort

• relief

• contentment

• joyfulness

These words are the opposites of anguish.

Anguish has been described as extreme pain, either of body or mind; and excruciating distress.

It is important to acknowledge that anguish affects all of the body. It involves a crumpling on yourself both physically and emotionally. Many in states of extreme anguish fall down or are unable to remain standing.

From a neuroscientific perspective it happens when your fight/flight mechanism triggers you to act but you cannot actually get away so cannot act. In a state of anguish you will sweat, have a rapid pulse and feel that you are suffocating.

You will also feel intense psychic discomfort and will feel defenceless and powerless to deal with danger.

It is terrifying to experience anguish. And also devastating.

Should you experience it, know it is okay to do so. Yes it is scary, but you will survive it. You will be changed by it, but you will survive it.

The photo accompanying today’s blog has included some images that describe anguish. The most iconic of those is the painting of the Ewe protecting her dying lamb and seeing the crows gathering around to tear its carcass apart.

Anguish certainly feels like that.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au