
I understand the persistence of this belief. I remember Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s model of the emotional journey of the dying being applied to grief and taught everywhere that this was what grief looked like.
I remember people 30 years later telling me I was in this stage or that stage when my mother died. All of it was rubbish. But I didn’t know that then.
20 odd years later I still have people enter my consulting room convinced that there is something wrong with them because they are still in pain and the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance formula just isn’t working.
The Truth About Grief
The reality is that grief is different for everyone. There may be some similarities in emotions experienced by some people, but there is no formula to work through.
The biggest learning in grief is to be okay with the pain you experience. To be able to learn to be okay with those times when you can’t disguise your pain and you feel embarrassed because “you are not supposed to feel that way”.
Grief is painful. And it is messy. You are unlikely to experience anything worse than this in your lifetime.
What The Experts Have Discovered
Grief never ends. It stays with you for the rest of your life. What happens is that you learn how to live with that pain, how to grow your life around it.
The metaphor of you being a passenger on your grief vehicle is a good one. This vehicle continues down the road and never stops. There is no timetable, destination and no end point.
Grief Is Not The Enemy
It is important to realise grief is not your enemy. It is the understandable and very normal reaction to the loss of something or someone in your life that you were deeply connected to.
Grief is your reaction to the loss of that attachment in your life and of its importance to you.
The Social And Not Social Aspects of Grief
There will be days when you crave human contact.
And there will be days when that is the last thing you want.
There will be days when close friends are what you want. And at those times you may want to talk about what you have lost and share your memories.
On those days you seek understanding Not Fixing.
You just want to be heard, and that may entail being heard again and again.
You Will Use Subconscious Strategies To Cope With Your Emotions
People have different strategies to help them cope.
Some will keep busy working, performing tasks, doing hobbies.
Others will seek the support and comfort of others experiencing grief.
Supporting the first person may involve helping them find tasks that bring fulfilment.
The second person may benefit from receiving support to attend a grief group.
The Solitary Path of Grief
No matter how you grieve you will find it is a solitary path with you the only one on that path. People who’s grief overlaps with yours may walk with you for a while where your grieving style overlaps, but will eventually walk on another path.
Others may accompany you for a while. Friends and others who can offer support. In time your journey may take you along more frequented routes where you can share your path with many other people. This is how grief works its way into being part of your life. It never goes, but it gets easier.
In short, Grief is a journey, not some destination at the end of several stages.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief journey, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz