Many girls grow into adulthood dreaming of that some day when they will have a child. For most, this dream becomes a reality. For some they decide they don’t want children. For others the timing is never right and that is a loss to deal with. For those that remain, there is the desire and opportunity to have a child and the torture that involves month after month of trying and not falling pregnant.
Infertility is a terrible loss.
There is such grief and pain at not having that which you most desire, a pregnancy and a baby at the end of it.
Trying to swallow the hurt when a friend happily announces that they are pregnant. You are happy for them but you wish it was you. And that hurts so much.
Then there is the nosy relative, friend, neighbour who asks you when you are going to start a family. You don’t want to tell them you are trying. That you want nothing more than a baby. That that pregnancy is just not happening.
This is a grief that doesn’t easily resolve. There is always the hope that maybe this month you will succeed. That this round of IVF will work. That dreams can come true.
Infertility is rarely openly discussed. It may be talked about in connection with IVF. But even those undertaking IVF rarely talk about it, not until after the baby.
It is a silent pain that goes on until all hope is gone and you then start the slow process of grieving for the baby you will never have.
Infertility impacts men as well
For men there is that dream of having a child as well. For a man whose partner is trying to fall pregnant this is also painful for them. Both want a child and that child is not happening.
It is important to include men in the pain of infertility as well.
A Poem About Infertility
Below is a poem about Infertility that says more than I can say in this blog:
Being thrilled when your friends and family are pregnant; but crumbling inside
By Elizabeth Wilfong
Infertility is
A void
An incompleteness
A feeling of failure
An incomplete family
Tears, so many tears
Living your life in two week increments
Buying the house with an extra bedroom, just in case
Peeing in cups and on sticks. So much pee. So many sticks
Squinting for that line. There’s never a line.
Doctors. Medical tests. Medical bills. Insurance fights.
Hoping that pimple is because of pregnancy hormones
Praying that your hormones are a mess because you’re pregnant – and not because you’re about to get your period
Being thrilled when your friends and family are pregnant; but crumbling inside
Pills and shots, sometimes. A lot of times
Being sad. So sad. Even though what you really have is so much love that is saved up for a little human.
“Does your son want a sibling?”
“When are you going to start your family?”
Redefining your understanding of family
Feeling bad that you want more than what you have
If you have a child, not wanting them to think they aren’t enough. They are. But, you have this love to give
Saving nursery ideas, just in case
That glass or two or three of wine after a negative test
So many negative tests
Wondering if your dreams have an expiration date
Names that go unused
Hand me downs that never get handed down
Why is this silent?
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz