Anger is a normal and important part of life. This also applies to grief.

Sadly, western society has portrayed anger as bad. As a consequence, many of us push our anger deep inside. Unfortunately this is a very destructive thing to do.

In life anger is an important guide to things that hold you back. When allowed to be present and to be examined, anger guides you to an awareness of things in your life that need to be addressed and allows you to resolve these things and move forward in life.

The Multifaceted Face Of Grief

Grief is often pictured as a time of great sadness, sorrow and numbness. Any recognition of anger is as part of a “stage” of grief first suggested by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in the 1960s.

Although more recent research has shown grief is not the “stages” suggested decades ago, the perception of anger has not been updated and its benefit for people has been overlooked.

In grief, where all emotions are intense, anger is intense. For someone not used to experiencing anger it can be overwhelming. Learning to expect the intensity of anger can help to understand how to work with it when it comes.

Anger As Perceived By Western Society

We learn from childhood that anger is dangerous and you are bad to allow anger to express itself. Sure, anger can be disruptive and cause harm but it can also be helpful.

The language around anger emphasises its negativity. You may fly off the handle, blow a fuse, hit the roof, spit the dummy. All this language gives the impression of something dangerous, chaotic, unstable and unsafe. This feeds the message that anger should be controlled or avoided.

This leads to a deep fear of addressing anything that could be considered conflict. I will elaborate more on that in another blog.

Anger can lead to out of control behaviour, although this is often because as children we are not taught healthy ways to manage anger.

Anger, as mentioned earlier, gives important information about things in your life that need to be addressed.

In grief, anger is a vital part of the recovery process.

How Does Anger Relate To Loss?

There are a number of ways anger is present in loss.

There can be anger at the other person dying.

Unresolved issues also cause anger.

There can be anger at the unfairness of life that allowed this to happen.

The unjustness and unpredictability of life can also result in anger.

Anger Is Vital To Survival.

Anger is vital to our reaction to threats in life. It is a vital part of our fight or flight mechanism.

Anger is a vital part of boundary setting in that it alerts you to boundary infringements that you should respond to.

It is also helpful in that it highlights things you need to be more aware of. Things that may underly some of your grief feelings.

When grief comes upon you it often causes you to feel powerless and very vulnerable. Anger can give you the push you need to grab courage and assert your needs, wants and boundaries. It allows you to regain the sense of control you lost when the one you loved died.

Anger is often a wonderful catalyst for action when the other emotions you are experiencing are leaving you frozen.

Anger also serves to allow you to process negative emotions and those that are overwhelming.

Anger Looks Out

Anger tends to be an outward emotion. Most anger is directed outwards at other people or situations. The other big grief emotions, sadness and guilt, tend to be kept close. Anger puts you in a place where you can release emotions.

When Is Anger A Problem?

Anger can be a problem. When it is not expressed properly but becomes a simmering issue it can cause the symptoms of stress: in particular increasing inflammation in the body and also raised blood pressure.

When anger is released without control it can cause harm to your relationships with others.

Anger that is not expressed can hamper your ability to move forward in healing from your loss.

Utilising The Healthy Aspects Of Anger

The first step in expressing anger in a healthy way is to acknowledge it is there.

Allowing yourself to sit with the anger and explore it is very important. Don’t fight the anger or rush to express it. Instead sit with it and be curious. Investigate what the feelings under the anger are. Anger is never a primary emotion. It is always secondary to another emotion. The exploration will assist you learning what is underneath the anger.

Once you can identify what is under the anger you can deal with it.

It is also important you learn helpful ways to release that anger. Some people find physical activity helps, others use mindfulness, journalling or deep breathing.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your anger and grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz