There is a children’s book called “The Huge Bag of Worries” by Virginia Ironside.
It is about a child who carries around a bag full of their worries. The worries are large, heavy rocks.
The child finds the bag increasingly difficult to carry around.
Eventually they are helped to take the rocks out of the bag and lighten its load.
Grief As A Permanent Bag of Rocks
I have seen that same analogy used for grief. I don’t know who first thought of this, but it is a good analogy.
This analogy has grief as a large bag that is filled with rocks. This bag is like a penance. You are given it and told you have to carry it for the rest of your life.
In this case you don’t want the bag. You resist getting the bag. You refuse to acknowledge and accept that bag.
But you get it anyway, and you can’t take it off.
It is heavy. Too much to bear.
You try to take it off, you are exhausted, upset, even angry that the bag is there, hampering you in everything you try to do.
It takes up so much room that there are places you can no longer go because you no longer fit there.
You find yourself having to think differently about where you can go and what you can do. You ask yourself if you have the stamina for this activity or task. You get tired and need to bow out of activities.
People notice your large bag and treat you differently.
Some people are sympathetic to your plight. They give you space and offer empathy.
Others feel uncomfortable about your large bag and avoid you.
Others have a large bag too and understand what you are going through.
Somewhere along the way you find the strength to manage the bag. You learn new skills for navigating the world. Sometimes the rocks bother you and you need to rest, or give yourself space. But other days they are just there and you can manage.
In time you may have a new grief and more rocks added to that bag. And the process of learning to carry the bag starts again.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Trauma is talked about a lot these days. This hasn’t always been so. I can remember in the 1980s discussions about childhood trauma and the resistance of many people suddenly confronted by the prevalence of childhood trauma who felt threatened and resisted the truth.
For those who suffered trauma it was a relief to finally be able to have their trauma acknowledged and treated.
Trauma Is The Thief Of Peace
I have heard trauma described as a thief of peace. The depth of trauma leaving scars that seem to be eternal. Certainly those scars take a long time to deal with. For most people there will always be some vestiges of trauma left to heal throughout life.
Trauma Impacts Future Generations
With the acknowledgement of the existence and impacts of trauma, there has come a recognition that trauma impacts on future generations. This is not only because future generations may be impacted by parents, grandparents, even entire communities who are traumatised but also because of the way trauma alters the way your genes are expressed in your body. These changes are passed down to future generations.
Intergenerational trauma has been researched for many decades now and there is an increasing body of evidence that proves how trauma can travel biologically and psychologically through generations.
Epigenetics and Trauma
For the biological impacts, much research has focused on the field of epigenetics. This is not some futuristic science fiction story, but a genuine scientific field that studies how environmental factors, including trauma, can alter the way our genes are expressed. It doesn’t change our genetic code, but it does change how our DNA is activated and expressed in the body.
The Holocaust has been a strong starting point for research in this area. For a long time there has been an awareness of the difficulties holocaust survivors had raising children while struggling to cope with the trauma of their experiences. But more recent research has demonstrated that the children of Holocaust survivors have unique epigenetic markers that relate to the genes that govern the stress response.
Other research I have read looked at the impacts on the grandchildren of Holocaust survivors and found health impacts in this generation as well.
Trauma Can Reshape The Biological Inheritance Of Future Generations
Studies of more recent traumas, including 9/11 and modern day wars have looked at the children of women who experienced these trauma. These children have altered cortisol levels, which are indicators of stress. Their altered cortisol levels indicate a disruption in their stress regulation mechanisms.
Frighteningly, the research has shown that trauma can reshape the biological inheritance that is passed from one generation to the next.
More recent traumas, such as the Rwandan Genocide have been studied and descendants of these survivors have been found to suffer grief, anxiety and hypervigilance despite not having been alive at the time.
Community Trauma and Its Impacts
Another aspect of genocide is that is not only impacts individuals, but entire communities. When communities are destroyed or displaced cultural practices are disrupted, extended family bonds are broken, community identities are destroyed. This increases the impact of the trauma.
For communities programs to rebuild cultural heritage, preserve memories and rebuild community resilience are vital to reduce the impact of genocidal trauma on individuals within that community.
The Multi-Generational Impacts of Colonialisation On Indigenous Communities
What happens when the genocide happened historically, not recently? For many indigenous communities around the world who endured colonisation, including in Australia, massacres, removal from land, stealing of children, and destruction of culture, have left descendants with broken connections. And for many indigenous communities worldwide, the trauma continues today.
The same occurs with those who were stolen from their countries and removed to other countries as slaves.
For both types of community there is a biological trauma load embedded in the DNA of the entire community. The load of psychological trauma adds to the biological trauma.
The importance of culture and cultural practices
All cultures have rituals, but indigenous cultures tend to be more ritual centred. Rituals, storytelling and community support systems are really beneficial to assist in healing from and protecting against the impact of trauma.
The Physical Impacts of Trauma
So much of the discussions around trauma focuses on the psychological and behavioural impacts. But research has shown that trauma survivors have a greater incidence of cardiovascular disease, diabetes and autoimmune disorders. One of the best known research projects is the one that studied the impact adverse childhood experiences had on health outcomes in adulthood. This study resulted in the ACE score which measures the trauma in children and indicates the likelihood of adverse health outcomes in adulthood.
Cause For Hope
It is sobering to learn that trauma in previous generations may have impacted on your health and ability to manage stress. It is sobering to learn that trauma you have experienced may impact on the health and stress coping of your descendants. But there is always hope.
This research is in its infancy. It is possible that in time, with more research, ways to manage these changes will be found.
In the meantime, be aware of trauma impacts on you from your ancestors and trauma impacts on your descendants. Being aware is a way to be prepared to take action to manage those impacts.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
In the Movie “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” one of the characters, Evelyn, has lost her husband. One of the biggest issues for her becomes trying to attend to the telephone account. It is in her husband’s name. She fights over many harrowing phone calls with the unempathic call centre staff. Eventually, to settle the debts she discovered her husband had, she sells their house in England and moves to the Marigold Hotel in India. There she visits the call centre for her telephone provider and gives them a stern lecture about how to treat widows struggling to complete their paperwork in the wake of their husband’s death.
It was a strong illustration of the difficulties you can face when your partner dies. And a satisfying ending for Evelyn.
The Bureaucracy of Modern Life
So much of modern life is tied up in bureaucracy. Where might your partner have an interest that has to be attended to? Home loan, house deeds, council rates, water rates, electricity, superannuation, employer, car, personal loans, telephone account, internet, passwords on computer, phone, other digital devices, access to bank accounts. That is just the start of the list. Where is their will? Do you have access to it? And what about the death certificate?
Losing your partner is devastating. The paperwork afterwards is traumatising.
Not Everyone Will Care That You Are Grieving
You will need so many documents, foremost being the death certificate, sighted and copies signed by a JP. Hope that you get a compassionate one.
You will have to go places with people who don’t care that your partner has died, that you are devastated, that every ounce of strength has been required to get into this place. All they will want is to follow the guidelines and sight documents.
Expect to be brought to tears numerous times.
Expect to struggle to fill in countless forms that don’t make sense, or require obscure information you don’t know where to locate.
Seek Help Where You Can
Draw on as much help as you can. Give yourself regular breaks from filling in all that paperwork.
If friends offer help, accept it. Especially when it comes to filling out those forms or working out how to access that laptop!
Don’t be frightened to seek counselling help to cope with your grief and the stress of filling in those forms.
Below are some resources you can turn to for information on how to fill in all those forms. There are many more. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and stress, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
An astonishing number of people don’t know they had traumatic childhoods. They just thought their childhoods were like everyone else’s.
When I was studying for my Counselling degree I took an elective on Family and Relationship Counselling. In some lectures we would have discussions about things we did with our families as children. I realised then how much other people did with their families and how little my family did. So much of what went on in my childhood involved my father’s meltdowns which involved emotional and physical abuse.
When I started seeing clients they would tell me about their issues and not understanding why they were the way they were. Eventually they would start talking about their childhoods and it was so obvious that their childhoods were not what is considered normal and just like me, they hadn’t realised their childhoods were not like other people’s.
I wonder if you had a “normal” childhood or had one that you didn’t realise was traumatising.
The following stories are ones I found on an online public forum. I have selected the ones that matched ones many of my client’s have told me.
Witnessing Someone Die
There is the story of the 16 year old on the way home from school. As they stood waiting to cross the road another teen ran out and was hit by a car. They ran to help and cradled the teen’s head in their lap. The teen opened their eyes and looked at this 16 year old. They observed their eyes change from a bright blue, to medium blue, to dull grey as they died.
The paramedics came and took the teen away. No one checked on the 16 year old. They went home and told their family. It was never talked about again.
Years later they saw something on the television that brought back the memory of that incident and they cried uncontrollably for some time.
They hadn’t realised what had happened to them was so unusual.
They had to seek counselling to processing the trauma.
My Grandmother
The 16 year old’s story reminded me of when I was 12 and my grandmother had a cardiac arrest. I tried to resuscitate her but she died. No one ever talked about it.
I felt so guilty, believing I had stuffed up and she would have been alive if I had resuscitated her properly.
I wasn’t until over 20 years later when I tried to resuscitate a patient who choked to death and observed her colour go from healthy pink through deep red, purple, blue and finally wax white that memories of resuscitating my grandmother came back. It really shook me and I struggled to process those memories. After many years I saw a counsellor and was able to process them.
Sexual Abuse
Another person told the story of how their grandparents would kiss them and their siblings on their genitals to “show how much they loved them. Their parents treated it as normal. They even did this to their younger cousins because they believed it was a demonstration of love.
When they grew older they realised this was not normal and were horrified.
Education like the Bravehearts program is really important to teach children what is not okay. Without that information this person had no idea.
The Young Soldier
Another person signed up to the military. When they went off to basic training they were astonished that others cried and missed their family. This young recruit thoughts had turned to how nice it was to have no one hit them and to not be so overburdened with work they were expected to do. They had no idea it wasn’t normal to be hit and worked hard.
Being Shown Affection and Provided with Food
A woman was surprised when her husband’s mother made food for him and gave him hugs. She had no idea people did that. It certainly never happened in her family.
Abusive Behaviour
One person reported their father taught them to swim by pushing them in the deep end of a pool and walking away. Fortunately their cousin saw what happened and rescued them.
The Take Off Your Clothes Teacher.
There are three I have selected for this.
One was from a woman who as a young child (5-10) had swimming lessons at a local pool. The children arrived after school in their uniforms and were taken into a room to change. They had to stand in a circle and completely undress before putting on their swimmers. A male staff member would always watch them. He wasn’t one of the teachers. He was only there when they were changing.
The woman realised later how odd that was.
Girls of 14-15 in class with one teacher had to take off their tops to prove they didn’t have “spaghetti tops” on underneath.
When I was in Primary School – 10-12 – there was a male teacher who would make the girls take off their sports tops and run around in their sport bloomers (we had to wear them under our tops) in sport. He claimed it helped them to run more freely. He was never my teacher but I remember watching once while girls a few years younger then me were in the playing field on the main road and forced to take their tops off. It was so humiliating for those who didn’t have a singlet on underneath, but even those were humiliated by having to show their singlets (this was the early 1970s when you didn’t do that sort of thing). I often wonder what sort of excitement that gave him.
Neglect
One person reported learning about their mother leaving them in their cot to go out and have a good time. She would leave the person alone and they remember crying and waiting for her to come home. She claimed she was always terrified they would be caught in a fire or die while she was out. But it didn’t stop her going out.
The Uncaring Parent
Another person talked about their mother never offering support or nurturance when they hurt themselves, sometimes very badly. They didn’t realise until they were seeing a counsellor that the mother’s behaviour was abnormal.
The Abusive Relative
There were many reports of uncles who would play strange tickle games and the adults would just ignore it and allow it to happen.
Another was of a young girl whose grandfather would sit close to her and touch her in the presence of the rest of the family. When she complained she was told to just go sit somewhere else.
Others reported neighbours who would bribe them to allow him to touch them sexually.
The Addict Parent
Many reported having to deal with parents who were high or severely drunk.
One reported having to drive their father home at the age of 8 because the father was too drunk to drive.
Another reported how their drunk father would become violent and would chase them around with knives and other objects to hit or throw at them. On one occasion the father went on such a long and noisy rampage that the police were called and had to taser the father to stop him.
Another reported their grandmother trying to inject them with heroin when they were a small child.
Not Being Given Food
One person talked about how their parents split up and the mother was so caught up in trying to cope and work that she never supplied food for her children. This person had to learn to cook food for their younger siblings and themselves. The mother didn’t even notice she had stopped cooking for her children.
More Sexual Abuse
One woman reported her mother making her shower with her mother’s boyfriends from the age of 8 into her teens. She didn’t realise until she was in her 20s that this was not normal.
Parental Kidnapping
Many told of being kidnapped by their father and the lengthy process their mother had to go through to get them back. Many were taught to think badly of their mother.
One person and their mother had to go into hiding to avoid the father trying to kidnap them again. That was their childhood. Moving constantly. No photos to be taken. No seeing family in case he followed them.
Violence
One person spoke about living in an isolated rural area and their family and another spoke of their family getting into a gun fight while they hid in fear. That was normal for them growing up.
Another spoke about their parents getting them to play a game of staying on the floor the longest. They didn’t realise until much later it was because gun fights had broken out in their neighbourhood.
Cleanliness.
One just commented that they thought only rich people had clean houses because their house was filthy.
Excessive Discipline
Then there was the person who was beaten up when they didn’t get A grades.
Mental Illness in the Family
Many reported the erratic and disturbing behaviour of mentally ill family members.
One lost track of the number of times they came home from school and had to call an ambulance because their mother had made yet another suicide attempt. Another reported not realising how unusual it was for the police to be constantly called to an out of control mentally ill family member. It wasn’t until they visited friends houses and notice the calm there that they realised their family was so unusual.
Physical abuse
Another said they thought everyone was beaten up by their babysitters.
More Sexual Abuse
One woman said she didn’t know girls weren’t supposed to have internal exams done by their doctor “as a matter of course”. She was constantly examined by her doctor. She thought she had to grin and bear it because it was part of female health care. She was in her adult years before she discovered this was abuse and definitely not normal.
Lack of Affection
One person reported being given no affection as a child. There were no mementos or memorabilia of them kept either. It was only when friends started getting out childhood photos, baby books, memorabilia, hand and foot prints that they realised none of that had been kept for them.
Another woman related how she and her husband attended a reunion of his family. She loved hearing the stories family members told of their childhood and was surprised to realise that none of her childhood memories involved adults. Her memories were of caring for her siblings and being sent on long plane trips on her own without assistance from the age of 9. She also remembered cooking 1 minute noodles for herself and her siblings for meals. Her main memory of adults was of her father being away driving trucks all the time and her mother passing out from too much alcohol.
Waking Up To The Knowledge of Abuse
Each of these stories has a parallel in someone who has come to me to explore their pain. In most cases they had no idea their childhood was so unusual. That the cause of their pain was childhood trauma. For those who were aware, that awareness had come much later in life and drew them to seek help.
Despite what others may tell you, research has shown that it is not possible to heal from trauma without counselling assistance. You can do things that seem to help but involve burying the trauma. Your body will never let you just bury it. It will cry out in either emotional or physical pain to be healed.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your childhood trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
I recently read an opinion piece by Meg Walter. It was about the year following the death of her much loved father.
She titled it “What I learned during the worst year of my life”
During that year she lost her father. She found it terribly painful and was hoping the new year would bring less pain.
She realised, however, that she had learned some important things during her worst year. She didn’t want to learn them, but she did, and they have changed her life’s direction.
Life Goes On, But Grief Will Insert Itself
This was a heading Meg had in her writing. I think it is really apt.
Losing her dad was a shock. Then there was the funeral and what she described as “a much-needed period of bereavement”. After that she had to go back out into the world. What she described as re-entering society.
For her this was a case of discovering how many times you can cry in strange places.
Grief Is Unpredictable
She discovered her grief hit her unpredictably, like waves, and hit her far too many times in public. This is something most people report experiencing. I remember that time myself. It is not easy.
Grief Has Many Triggers
She also discovered that there are many triggers that made her cry. Things she was not aware would be triggers. She found any man older than her father had been was distressing.
I remember years after my much loved grandfather died hearing about the death of a man who wrote a daily devotional I had read for years. I had never met the man, but I thought of his grandchildren and their distress at his death and I sobbed uncontrollably for some time.
There is no time limit for when their death will distress you.
For Meg songs her father loved were another trigger. People have reported to me being triggered by a certain scent, an animal, a vehicle like the one their loved one owned, seeing someone doing the same type of job, a favourite place, or nothing at all. Even today 40 plus years after my grandfather died I still get teary seeing an old man.
Grief Intervenes Anywhere and Everywhere
Tears can come in the strangest places too. Meg described crying in a bank, her children’s school, doctor’s surgery, car wash, a restaurant, at home online, at the hairdresser. The list of places is endless.
The Fear Of Crying In Public
One of the biggest fears I find with people who are grieving is that they will cry in public. For many this is deeply shaming. Meg reported learning to not feel so ashamed and embarrassed. Instead she learned to feel grateful to be able to sit with the emotions and understand her feelings. She described as this being something that in normal life is rare.
That is true. It is a good way to view those times of overwhelming emotion. Instead of seeing them as embarrassing, see them as a special opportunity to sit with those emotions and understand your feelings.
Sadness Harmonises With Other Emotions
This is another one of Meg’s headings. It is a great description of what happens.
Meg found that over time she didn’t cry as much in public, or even in private.
She found that she grew used to the sadness. Once that happened she started feeling other emotions as well.
Sadness has become something that is always there. It sits next to other feelings.
This is something many people who come to see me acknowledge. They can be sad and delight in something. They can be sad and spend a few hours watching a funny movie. They can laugh and be sad too.
Sadness can be overwhelming at times. Most people experience that. But sadness can always be there. Meg describes it as a companion emotion. Being a little bit sad.
The Pain Never Really Goes Away
This is something I often talk about. There will always be that pain. One of the best descriptions I have seen of that pain is seen in the picture that accompanies this blog. It is of a black rock in a small jar. It takes up almost the entire jar. Over time the jar grows but the rock doesn’t. The jar grows and the rock becomes relatively smaller.
As you grieve you grow. The pain is still there, but it is not as overwhelming as it once was.
Meg expressed her hope that the pain would transform to be a reminder of who her father was and what he meant to her. Most people who come to see me find that over time their pain undergoes that transformation.
Finding Meaning
We humans are meaning finding. We search throughout our lives for meaning. Meaning in life and meaning in life’s events.
When someone we love dies we search for meaning in their lives, in your life.
For Meg that meaning was that her father is remembered for being a good man who treated others well and valued his relationships. That was important to her. It became her meaning.
Meg concluded that her father’s loss redefined her, as it does to all of us. Her hope was that this redefinition was for the better. That is a wish most people who come to see me express.
Meg hoped that the lessons she learned from her father’s death will stay with her. I find they usually do.
That redefinition and learning of lessons is a vital part of meaning making in your life after you lose one you loved.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Research has proven that trauma experienced in childhood impacts on a person’s psychological and emotional well being throughout life. In other words, it impacts their mental health throughout life.
The things that children experience influence the development of the brain and therefore have an influence on behavioural and psychological development.
Chronic Stress is Trauma
Chronic or severe stress, often described as trauma, has a long term effect on the child’s development.
Children exposed to that stress often have low self-esteem, are vulnerable to anxiety and depression, and are more likely to abuse substances and become addicted to them. These substances include cigarettes, alcohol and drugs. The addictions are coping mechanisms that make the addict feel better for a while. Unfortunately over time those substances need to be taken in increasing quantities to impact and the “solution” they offer is only temporary.
Difficulties In Adolescence and Adulthood Caused By Chronic Stress
Self-harm, suicidal ideation, and suicide are common responses to childhood trauma and the difficulty of coping with the stressors in adult life. There are also psychiatric conditions that have been demonstrated to have childhood trauma as their origin.
Trauma and Chronic Stress Requires Skilled Therapy To Heal
Healing from trauma is not something a pill can fix. It requires skilled therapy.
The best approach is to intervene in childhood to heal the harm caused by childhood trauma. This includes the impacts of bullying on children.
Bullying And The Difficulty For Adults In Handling Bullies
Sadly, many adults do not know how to handle bullies. Many adults adopt the strategies they employed in childhood to manage bullying of children. They try to pretend it isn’t happening and are too frightened to get involved. This results in children not being supported when they need support.
As a result, early and easy to stop bullying behaviours are allowed to fester and grow and increase the damage caused to the victims. Bullies do not stop these behaviours because they grow up. Many childhood bullies, having learned this behaviour meets their need, continue to use bullying behaviours in adult life.
Education Is A Major Stressor
Other stressors in childhood include education. Many children find the constant pressure to perform at school and complete homework tasks is overwhelming. This stress increases throughout childhood and impacts the child’s developing brain and coping skills in adult life.
Self Organisation Impacts
For children who experience chronic stress there are also difficulties in self organisation. This impacts on the children as they proceed into high school and increases stress and its impacts.
Difficulty In Peer Relationships
Children exposed to chronic stress often find it hard to have relationships with their peers. This is particularly so when bullying at school occurs.
The Importance of Early Intervention
It is recognised that children need their difficulties identified as soon as possible and trauma focused therapies used to help them. Therapy in childhood and adolescence is more effective than in adulthood. That said, adults can still be helped if they get the correct trauma therapy.
If you or young people in your life need support then a trauma trained counsellor is the best place to go for psychological and emotional help. Sub heading Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you or your child with the impacts of Childhood trauma and chronic stress, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
I was reading recently about the experience of Carrie Fisher’s daughter grieving for her mother as the years pass on the anniversary of her death.
It brought to mind my own experience grieving for my mother.
For Carri Fisher’s daughter the day is something to dread. She starts worrying about it weeks in advance. She knows she will be feeling awful and dreads the day coming. She wakes up on that day with a dark cloud over her. She related that it takes her children waking up to dispel the dark clouds.
She described the anniversaries of her mother’s death to an emotional tropical storm. It rains a lot but the light between is more beautiful than days without storm clouds.
Dancing With The Limp
Anne Lamott, in her book “Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith.” Wrote:
“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
The Limp Makes You A Better Dancer
Carrie Fisher’s daughter thought that analogy was so true. She realised she has a limp from her grief but she is dancing through life and is a better dancer because of her limp.
Her grief helped her to appreciate more the little moments of life. She said she watches her children and feels they are magic. She sees her mother as being in that magic. There is that realisation that she can feel a lot of things: grief, joy, longing, magic, emptiness, fullness. All coexist profoundly.
Those words are very powerful.
My Experience with Death Anniversaries
Reading them I was reminded of my grief after my mother’s death. I didn’t have a wonderful loving relationship with my mother. There was a lot of hurt and pain to work through after she died and some years I deliberately ignored her death anniversary.
No matter how hard I tried to avoid it however, I would find myself feeling inexplicably down. Looking at the calendar I would realise it was my mother’s death anniversary.
The Body Does Not Forget
I may have wanted to forget but my body did not.
Last year was 21 years since she died. Reflecting on her death and the intervening years I realised it was 21 years of liberation from her controlling behaviour.
I was able to celebrate the coming of age of my freedom to be me. It felt like the end of an era.
I wonder if this year I will feel unsettled on her death anniversary?
Sweetness Of Love Bitterness Of Loss Or Is It?
For many people the relationship with their parent/s is a wonderful relationship and the sadness of their death anniversary has the sweetness of love and the bitterness of loss in it.
For others the relationship carries a lot of pain. This compounds the death anniversary. There is more longing for the love that never was. The bitterness is for the loss of opportunity to ever experience that love.
Death Anniversaries Occur In All Losses
Of course, death anniversaries do not only occur with children grieving their parent. Every death has an anniversary and every one who loved that person is part of that death anniversary.
Planning For Death Anniversaries
The important thing about the death anniversary is to allow it to be. Don’t rush to avoid it. Instead plan how you will remember it.
Many people I know plan special activities for the death anniversary of their loved one. Maybe they do something their loved one liked doing, or they arrange a private day on their own. Some organise a get together with others who loved this person. Others just acknowledge the day.
Whatever you plan to do is part of how you cope with your loved one’s death. It can be a day to spend thinking about the person, reflecting on their life, acknowledging the changes in your life since they died. If the relationship was difficult, maybe you will spend the day reflecting on how you have grown since then. Maybe you will look at ways to let go of the hurt they inflicted on you.
In the early years of grief it is always helpful to plan what you will do on the day. You may continue that as time goes on or you may be more impromptu in your actions on that day. Whatever you decide, allow yourself to be okay with that.
Getting Help
If you still find yourself struggling to manage your grief and feel it affects how you live your life then seeking the assistance of a grief counsellor can be helpful.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
I am currently reading The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté, a Canadian doctor who works with trauma and addictions.
In it he talks about the impact of trauma on physical health as well as mental health and addictions.
He is not the only person to write about the connection between physical illness and trauma.
Social Readjustment Scale
Back in 1967 two psychiatrists Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe developed the Social Readjustment Rating Scale. This measured the impact of life events (some positive and others negative) and their impact on physical health. The higher the stress score the greater the chance of developing a physical illness and even dying of that illness.
Adverse Childhood Experiences Scale
In the mid 1990s the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) scale was developed. It measured the impact trauma had on physical health outcomes in adult life.
Stress and Health Impacts
Some time ago I read about a woman who at the age of 19 found herself losing stamina and strength. She went to her doctor who told her she was anxious. She had encountered the habit doctors have of discounting those who identify as women.
All efforts to treat this anxiety failed and the woman’s condition further deteriorated. Eventually she found a doctor who paid attention to her symptoms and she was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease.
Doctors instructed her to avoid physically and emotionally becoming stressed. The irony of this was that it was emotional stress that had led to this disease.
Stress and the Immune System
Research has shown that stress provokes the immune system more than most things we encounter in life. It has also shown that stress does not affect everyone the same. Some members in the community are more heavily impacted by stress than others. Stress that occurs over a long period of time has a greater impact on the common diseases such as cancer and cardiovascular disease.
The Impact of Stress on Marginalised Communities
Communities where stress is chronic, such as LGBTQ+ communities, indigenous communities and migrant communities, are examples of communities that experience chronic stress.
One feature of these communities that is protective is their community connections. These allow members of the community who are dysregulated by trauma to re-regulate. It is when individuals lack the support of community that chronic stress has a more dramatic impact
Healing Through the 7 Dimensions of Integrative Health
Healing from stress related illnesses requires a multi-faceted approach as does reducing the impact of stress in your life.
Physical Wellness
First there is physical wellness:
• Getting enough sleep
• Eating a well balanced diet with adequate sources of omega fats
• Exercising regularly
• Caring for injuries and illnesses
• Reducing unhealthy behaviours such as smoking, excessive alcohol consumption and recreational drug use.
Environmental Wellness
Then environmental wellness which involves:
• being aware of the challenges and opportunities available
• Getting out into nature
Spiritual Wellness
Spiritual Wellness:
• Knowing your values and morals and upholding them
• Finding purpose, value and meaning in life
• Being fully present and engaged with life
• Giving yourself time out to be alone with your thoughts
• Develop a relationship with nature, a supreme being and other dimensions of the human spirit.
Social Wellness
Social wellness:
• Connecting with others
• Working through conflicts appropriately
• Contributing to your community.
Financial Wellness
Financial Wellness:
• Being able to manage your resources to allow you to live within your means
• Being able to make informed financial decisions
• Being able to set realistic goals.
Work Related Wellness
Vocational Wellness:
• Allow personal satisfaction and life enrichment consistent with your values, goals and lifestyle. This can involve paid or volunteer work.
• Being able to use your unique abilities in work that is personally meaningful and rewarding.
Mental Health
Mental Wellness:
• Practice thinking positively
• Using Gratitude
• Manage stress
• Develop social connections
• Using practices such as meditation and mindfulness to reduce stress and improve awareness.
All Dimensions Interrelate
It is important to remember that all aspects of our lives have an impact on health and that difficulties in one area of life can impact other areas.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma and balancing the areas of your life to promote optimal health, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
