9 Steps To Surviving Grief At Christmas


When you are grieving December can be so difficult. Everywhere and everything is Christmas.

Advertising, social media posts, the shops, friends with Christmas Parties and Christmas Greetings, Community events. Everywhere there is the suggestion of a joyous time with company, mostly family, and a great time to be experienced.

People are exhorted to be happy and any suggestion of not feeling happy or not wanting to celebrate is greeted with derision and suggestions of Bah Humbug.

When you are grieving, especially when this is the first Christmas since your loss, it can be so painful. So difficult to experience when your whole existence is crying out in pain.

Rubbing Salt Into The Wound

This time of year often carries the stab of pain at every reminder that you are missing someone in your world. The reminder that this Christmas will be without that person. It is like rubbing salt into the wound of your grief.

There may be pressure on you at this time of year to not express your sorrow. You may be told it is not fair to those who want to enjoy the season. But what is fair for you?

Mourning Is An Important Survival Strategy

Mourning is important at any time of year. It allows you to express your grief in ways that allow you to process it.

It is likely that the way to survive this time of year is to mourn. You may not want to be sad at a time you may previously have been very happy, but if sad is your current reality then sad it will be.

Here Are Things You Can Do To Help You Survive Christmas And The New Year.

  1. Give yourself permission to grieve.
    Also give yourself permission to enjoy the day and have fun, even if only for brief periods of the day. You are not dishonouring the one you lost but experiencing moments of joy and happiness within your grief.
  2. Acknowledge your grief and pain.
    This may involve doing something to honour the memory of the one you loved.
    Also vital is to be willing to be honest about what you need this Christmas.

    You may not want to observe all the activities your family traditionally participated in.

    You may not want to have a big Christmas as you usually do. You may want to be alone, or have only a few people around. Some people go on holidays so that they aren’t home. Other people always set a seat at the table for the one who is gone.
    The most important thing for you to do before making plans is to check in with yourself. How are you? Do you already have thoughts about what you want to do?
  3. Make a plan
    Don’t wing it this year. Take the time to sit down and decide what will be best for you and your mourning.
    Research has shown that those who plan for important days cope with those days better than those who don’t plan. Making a plan doesn’t mean you will carry it out, but it gives you something to focus on.
    In your plan include the one you lost. Include their name, memories of them, stories about them. You may be in a group and openly talk about them or you may be alone reminiscing. If you are in a group organise with some in the group to back you up in case others in the group try to shut you down (usually due to their discomfort).
  4. Have a Plan B as well as a Plan A.
    You may plan in advance to be with other people at the Christmas celebration. But closer to the day you may realise you can’t do it.

    This is where Plan B comes in. Have a backup plan of what you will do if you can’t proceed with Plan A.

    Plan B may involve plans to spend the day alone and how you will spend that day.
    It may involve going to the Plan A activity but leaving after a short while there. Plan B may also involve just cancelling Christmas and not doing anything to mark the day. If you do that remember that you will not be able to escape the reminders that it is Christmas and plan how you will manage that.

    Whatever you decide, be okay with it. Let go of the need to honour traditions because not honouring them may impact on other people. Your needs need to be honoured.
  5. If You Plan To Be With Others at Christmas Be Okay With That.
    Not everyone wants to be alone at Christmas. Some people draw comfort from the festivities, even if they are reminders of the one who is gone.
  6. If you plan to be alone organise something you will do.
    This doesn’t mean you have to be ‘busy’ with solo activities. It just means you have a plan for how you will spend the day.
  7. Create new traditions.
    You may want to visit the place their remains are interred. You may want to donate to a charity in their name. You may play a game or watch a movie they particularly loved. You may light a candle for them. You may set a place for them at the table. There are myriad ways you can acknowledge them. The only limit is your imagination.
  8. Acknowledge that it is Christmas.
    You can also plan to pretend the day doesn’t exist when you get to it, but make sure it is planned. Be mindful that your inner experience is one of celebrating this time of year and ignoring it is often difficult. Will you be okay if your decision to ignore Christmas doesn’t work?
  9. Have a support network.
    Your support network includes people who listen without judgement or giving advice.

    How Do You Make Your Plan?

    • Allow time to formulate your plan.

    • First reflect on how you have celebrated Christmas in the past. Were there things done every year? Will they continue? How will you cope if they continue, or don’t continue?

    • Make a list of those traditions.

    • Decide what you want to do with those Christmas traditions.

    • Make a list of those you want to participate in and why.

    • Make a list of those you feel you just can’t face doing this year and why.

    • Make another list of traditions you might observe and why.

    • Writing down your reasons for continuing or pausing traditions helps you to clarify how you feel about them.

    • Think of ways you can honour the one you are grieving both in things you already do at Christmas and in new ways. Do you want to honour this person with others or on your own?

    • Give yourself permission to grieve and to cry. Also give yourself permission to enjoy yourself, to laugh, to attend to your own needs.

    A checklist to making a plan.

     List what you normally do at this time of year. This includes things such as buying presents, sending Christmas cards, cooking food, visiting people, attending Christmas parties and so on.

     Make another list of the things your family traditionally does at Christmas. This includes meeting for meals, visiting each other, going places, special traditions you follow, present giving and so on.

     When you have made that list ask yourself
    ? Do I Feel Like Doing it?
    ? Can I skip it this year? Why or Why Not?
    ? Can someone else do this for me or help me?
    ? If I feel I need to do something Why do I need to do it?
    ? Can anything make a task or obligation easier?
    ? How can I bring the memory of the one I am grieving into these activities?
    ? What new traditions can I create to honour their memory and what they meant to me?

    Following these guidelines will help you to understand what you need and want this year. Remember plans are not set in concrete. You can always choose not to follow them.

    Can I Help?

    If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

    If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: https://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz