July 2024 – PLC Blog

Grief is shattered glass

A metaphor I sometimes use with people who are grieving is one of a shattered glass vase.

The vase hits the floor and explodes into numerous pieces ranging in size from large to miniscule.

Cleaning Up The Glass

Picking up the pieces of glass is fraught with danger. If you are not careful you can cut yourself on the jagged pieces of glass.

When cleaning up the glass it is usual to pick up the larger pieces first. These are the easiest to see, the ones least likely to cut your fingers.

So you attend to those big pieces first.

Focusing On The Large Pieces of Grief

When grieving, it is the big aspects of grief that are attended to first. You get them safely out of the way and all seems good.

But grief is very like that exploded glass vase. There are smaller pieces. You think you have removed them safely from the floor, but there are ones that get missed. They are tiny and hard to see.

You often find the tiny pieces of glass when you tread on them. They cut and they hurt.

Just When You Think It Is Safe To Walk Barefooted…

That is the nature of grief. You think everything is going well, and then you suddenly find yourself cut and hurt by an aspect of that grief you had not seen coming.

Embracing The Negatives in Life

Last year I read a book “Night Vision” by Mariana Alessandri. She challenges us to see the negatives in life, not as something to be banned by toxic positivity, but as something to embrace and learn from. These feelings are what teach us about ourselves, our strengths and resilience and our humanity. It is these negatives that affirm our humanity and connection to others.

In Alessandri’s book she wrote that grief puts us in touch with the basic fact that surviving hurts. Such a moving and enlightening sentence! Surviving hurts. It is a fact, not something to run from.

Being A Survivor Hurts

Just as stepping on a tiny piece of glass from the shattered vase hurts, so does being the survivor of loss.

Living hurts.

Surviving hurts.

And that is normal and perfectly okay.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Why Clearing Your Mind In Meditation Is Not Possible (And What To Do Instead)

When I teach people to practice mindfulness, the first hurdle I have to overcome is the common misconception that you have to empty your mind to meditate.

Despite me teaching that thoughts will come and just to let them be, the empty your mind belief can be very pervasive.

Emptying Your Mind Is Not How You Meditate

Frequently I will teach someone a simple mindfulness technique and the next time I see them they say they are struggling to empty their mind.

That is not how mindfulness meditation works.

Striving To Empty Your Mind Leads to Feeling a Failure When You Are Not

It is impossible to empty your mind and the effort to do that and the feeling of failure when that doesn’t happen is unhelpful.

In mindfulness, you focus on something and just allow other thoughts to be there without engaging with them.

The Waiting Room Analogy

I often describe it as sitting in a waiting room. Someone else walks in and you see them but you don’t talk to them. It is this way with thoughts. You see the thought is there and you even name it. But you don’t engage with it.

An example of this would be that you are practising focusing on your breath. Suddenly the thought that you need to buy milk pops into your mind. You could engage with that thought and think about when you can do that, where you will buy it from, how you will get to the shop to buy it, how you will fit that in with other things you need to do, and then start worrying that the milk you want to buy may not be at the shop you have selected, so where would be a better place to buy it from?

Sound familiar?

Don’t Engage With The Milk, Try This Instead

An alternative is to notice that the thought of buying milk has popped into your consciousness but that you will worry about that when you are finished with your mindfulness practice. Then you go back to focusing on your breath.

That is how you practice not engaging with the thought.

A Good Way To Get Started

One usual way to start learning mindfulness is to focus on your breath. Just pay attention to the breath in and then the breath out.

If you are breathing in and out and paying attention to that breathing you may find your mind wanders to another thought. When that happens, don’t chastise yourself. Don’t be angry. Just gently and kindly acknowledge the thought and put it to one side. Then bring your attention back to your breathing.

How Often Should I Practice and For How Long?

Just practice this mindfulness technique for about 5 minutes every day. Focus on your in breath and out breath.

It can be helpful to say to yourself “I am breathing in” and “I am breathing out”.

Once you have said I am breathing in/out a few times you can breathe in “peace” and “breathe” out tension.

You can quickly scan your body for any areas of tension and breathe peace into them, and breathe the tension out.

How do you time your five minutes?

You can use the timer on your phone, a kitchen timer or you can use an app such as “Insight Timer” that allows you to set a 5 minute meditation that will make a sound at the end.

The Benefits of Mindfulness

Learning mindfulness is a great way to learn to understand what you are feeling. So many people arrive at adulthood unsure of what they are feeling. Childhood is often a time when children are taught by adults to override their feelings and children can grow mistrustful of what they are feeling.

In the rush of life it is easy to get in the habit of pushing feelings and body sensations aside. Then it becomes hard to identify what you are feeling. Mindfulness is an important way to reconnect with your feelings.

Mindfulness Helps You Understand What You Are Feeling

When you are struggling with challenges in life it can be hard understanding what you are feeling or even if you are feeling anything at all.

This is where mindfulness is helpful.

I find that teaching the people who come to see me how to be mindful is a great step to unravelling those difficulties in life that have brought them to see me.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning mindfulness and learning to understand your feelings and body sensations, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Moving into Aged Care – An Overlooked Grief for All the Family

One of the hardest things people have to do is to put their parents and other elderly relatives into aged care. It is usually a last resort decision made when their elderly parent has reached the point of being unable to care for themselves

There is a lot of emotional pain in making that decision.

The decision is one that carries a lot of guilt. “Shouldn’t I look after them?”

It is even harder if you have to make that decision and your parent is not wanting to go into aged care.

There is also the concern about the care your parent will receive in aged care. There is so much spoken about in the media around poor care and abuse of elderly aged care residents that it can feel like you are sending your parent to their death.

The Beginning of the End

Placing your parent in aged care also signals the beginning of the end. They have now entered the final stage of life. There is no being able to be living at home anymore.

This means that placing a relative in aged care is a source of grief. It is the end of many things.

• Having an independent parent

• Having a home to visit

• The anticipation of the end of their life (even if that may take a long time)

• Losing that close contact as other people take over their care and your ability to visit is now governed by the rules of the facility.

• Having to accept other people’s ideas about what is the best care for your parent.

The Experience of The Parent

On the flip side, the person going into aged care experiences myriad losses as well.

• Being independent

• Losing your home

• Losing pets

• Losing your freedom

• Losing contact with people you usually saw in the community

• Losing your sense of identity

The Need for Support for All

There is much that can be done to support both family and the individual in this situation.

For the family, the quality of care their family member receives has been shown to impact on how the family copes with the transition into aged care and the later death of their parent.

Being able to be involved in decisions around your parent’s care and being kept well informed about their health, options for care and being able to make choices.

For the parent there is a need for sensitivity and understanding from the staff. Good communication around the procedures of the facility and being given choices are also important. Attending to care needs in a timely manner is also important. Flexible visiting hours are also important for both family and the individual.

A pleasant homely environment, activities and opportunities to interact with others are also important for the parent.

Access to counselling support for the parent is important and it is sometimes helpful for the family to receive counselling support as well.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you and family members with the adjustment into aged care, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

5 Myths About Grief And What Is Actually Needed

Grief happens to everyone at some stage in their life.

It would be extremely rare if you didn’t lose someone or something close to you during your lifetime.

Despite this, there is a lot of ignorance about grief.

How do you support someone who is grieving?

How long does grief last?

Grief lasts a few weeks right?

Wrong.

Starting from the Beginning

A friend has recently been bereaved. So what do you do?

Many people will make it their mission in life to support their friend to “get better”. They know what you need to get better.

What People Believe Their Grieving Friend Needs

Myth #1 – They need to get out more

Sometimes when a person is grieving they want to go out, they may not want to be at home. Or they may want to stay at home and hide from the world while they lick their wounds.

Whatever they want to do, being told to go out, cajoled about not getting out, or dragged out against their will is not helpful.

Myth #2 – They just need to get better organised

When you are grieving your world often falls apart. You can’t concentrate. You may not want to do things. You will have days when you are totally organised. And you will have days when life is hard and you can’t do anything.

The last thing the grieving person wants is to have a friend march in and take over their home, or their kitchen, or any other part of their life.

Myth #3 – They just need to see the silver lining in all this

The silver linings are reported by people as being the most hurtful responses.

After your young partner dies: “You are young, you can find someone else.”

After your baby dies: “You can have another child.”

After someone you love dies: “They’re in a better place”

Myth #4 – Grief is all about sorrow

Sorrow is a large part of grief, but it is only part, not all of the grief experience. Guilt, anger, irritability, loss of appetite, poor sleep and some common experiences. There are a lot more and they are all totally normal.

Myth #5 – Grief is over within a few weeks, a year at the utmost

Grief never ends. The acute phase will slowly transition to a less acute experience, but grief will never end.

Myth #6 – Don’t talk about it

This is a very hurtful belief.

It is believed that you should stop talking about the loss. If you bring it up you cause pain.

The reality is the person is in pain anyway. Bringing up their loved one is helpful. They want to talk about them. They want to remember they lived. They want others to acknowledge they lived. If they don’t want to talk they will let you know, because they don’t always want to talk. But you will do less harm talking about their loved one when they aren’t ready to talk than not talking about them at all.

What People Grieving Actually Need

When they are ready they want to talk.

They want to be heard.

They want to know you are listening and trying to understand their grief better.

All this means you the griever feels supported.

If people follow the myths then you feel unsupported.

Sub heading The Mental Health Cost of Not Being Supported when Grieving

If you don’t get the support of family and friends then you will look elsewhere.

This is where grief counsellors are helpful.

Unprocessed and unsupported grief can lead to mental illness.

What the Bereaved Want

Remember, the person who is grieving wants the following:

• To be seen

• To be me with empathy from others

• To be validated

Conclusion

I heard this song many years ago and I love the lyrics. They are written by a man grieving his father’s death. Maybe you can relate to them or they can help you understand your friend’s grief better. Here are the first three verses:

Homesick by MercyMe

You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I’m still here so far away from home

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief or supporting others who are grieving, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au