Many girls grow into adulthood dreaming of that some day when they will have a child. For most, this dream becomes a reality. For some they decide they don’t want children. For others the timing is never right and that is a loss to deal with. For those that remain, there is the desire and opportunity to have a child and the torture that involves month after month of trying and not falling pregnant.
Infertility is a terrible loss.
There is such grief and pain at not having that which you most desire, a pregnancy and a baby at the end of it.
Trying to swallow the hurt when a friend happily announces that they are pregnant. You are happy for them but you wish it was you. And that hurts so much.
Then there is the nosy relative, friend, neighbour who asks you when you are going to start a family. You don’t want to tell them you are trying. That you want nothing more than a baby. That that pregnancy is just not happening.
This is a grief that doesn’t easily resolve. There is always the hope that maybe this month you will succeed. That this round of IVF will work. That dreams can come true.
Infertility is rarely openly discussed. It may be talked about in connection with IVF. But even those undertaking IVF rarely talk about it, not until after the baby.
It is a silent pain that goes on until all hope is gone and you then start the slow process of grieving for the baby you will never have.
Infertility impacts men as well
For men there is that dream of having a child as well. For a man whose partner is trying to fall pregnant this is also painful for them. Both want a child and that child is not happening.
It is important to include men in the pain of infertility as well.
A Poem About Infertility
Below is a poem about Infertility that says more than I can say in this blog:
Being thrilled when your friends and family are pregnant; but crumbling inside By Elizabeth Wilfong
Infertility is A void An incompleteness A feeling of failure An incomplete family Tears, so many tears Living your life in two week increments Buying the house with an extra bedroom, just in case Peeing in cups and on sticks. So much pee. So many sticks Squinting for that line. There’s never a line. Doctors. Medical tests. Medical bills. Insurance fights. Hoping that pimple is because of pregnancy hormones Praying that your hormones are a mess because you’re pregnant – and not because you’re about to get your period Being thrilled when your friends and family are pregnant; but crumbling inside Pills and shots, sometimes. A lot of times Being sad. So sad. Even though what you really have is so much love that is saved up for a little human. “Does your son want a sibling?” “When are you going to start your family?” Redefining your understanding of family Feeling bad that you want more than what you have If you have a child, not wanting them to think they aren’t enough. They are. But, you have this love to give Saving nursery ideas, just in case That glass or two or three of wine after a negative test So many negative tests Wondering if your dreams have an expiration date Names that go unused Hand me downs that never get handed down Why is this silent?
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
A few years I met a young woman in her mid 20s. I will call her Anna.
Anna came to see me after her mother’s death.
Journalling Her Experience
Anna was very articulate and used to writing. So she journalled her experiences with grief.
Initially she explored the unique language and texture of grief.
She realised the sorrow she felt was unique and was an experience unlike any other she had ever encountered.
Ways To Cope Are Not Always Helpful
To cope with what she was experiencing she increased her alcohol intake and frantically researched everything she could find on death, bereavement, loss of a parent and so on. Actually, anything she could find about death she feverishly read.
She learned about Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s now outdated stages of grief. She learned about the physical symptoms of grief, she learned about what happens in the brain when someone you love dies. She read of the myriad ways people found to manage their grief.
Grief Can’t Be Forced To Go Away
Anna felt that information she found gave her mastery over her grief. That she could control it and nicely slot it away where it wouldn’t bother her again.
The one thing she wanted to avoid was the disempowering crying, the feeling of numbness, the sorrow that overwhelmed everything. Anything that did not leave her feeling joyful she shoved into the background, behind the locked door with the “never to be opened” sign on it.
She believed she was at peace and was moving on.
Reality Always Comes Back To Bite You
Then she ran into an old friend who was in a distraught state. He told her that his mother had died a few weeks earlier. He was struggling to get out of the house and today was his first time out. He was struggling and just wanted to get back to the safely of home.
This really hit her hard and she had to rush to the safety of home where she could cry despairingly and lock herself away from the world.
She realised she was not over her grief.
The Faulty Belief You Should Be Over Your Grief After The Funeral
But she believed she should be. All the research she had done, all the people who offered her platitudes over the grief said she should be bouncing back now.
She felt deep shame that she wasn’t over it. “There must be something wrong with me, I must be mentally ill, I will never get over this.” Try as she might she could not force the grief away, it just amplified.
Learning The Reality Of Living With Grief
When she came to see me I was able to teach her what her research had missed. The reality of living with grief. The science around the latest research.
She learned that Grief cannot be told what to do. That grief won’t go away just because you want it to.
She learned that roaring at Grief led to Grief roaring back.
And she learned that no amount of alcohol would make it go away or make it feel better.
Make Grief Your Friend
Anna learned she had to befriend grief and allow it to guide her, gently, through the darkness and confusion until she had learned how to continue life with grief there as a companion.
She learned not to fight grief, but rather to allow it to lead her, to submit to it
She learned to accept the reminder in grief of the unknowningness and uncertainty of life. That these things are terrifying. That we cope with them by telling ourselves that life is organised and we know what is going to happen next.
Until the unexpected happens.
Grief Is A Burden You Learn To Carry
In the end Anna decided to see her grief as a heavy burden that she planned in time to lift high above her head and celebrate life amongst loss. She decided to see grief as a privilege that belongs to those who have loved and lost.
She acknowledged that grief would now be her constant companion. That each new loss would add to that companion and she would have to learn again how to lift grief high above her head.
She learned to accept the uncertainty of life and to be okay with that.
She realised grief will take as long as it needs before you can learn to carry it moving forward in life. And she was okay with that.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
For more years than I want to remember my little family struggled financially. There were many times when one of my children was sick and I had to raid moneyboxes and search through pockets to find the money to pay the gap fee from the doctor. And when it came to affording medicines! Well sometimes I couldn’t.
I became very creative at making meals out of few ingredients. I don’t think my children were ever aware of how much we struggled financially.
It is stressful to wonder where the money for the next meal, rent or home loan payment will come from. Stressful to have a sick child or be sick yourself and not have the money to pay the gap fee at the doctor or to pay for any medicines prescribed. It is stressful worrying about major issues that may arise where you need to find the money to pay for them. Even a flat tyre can push you over the edge financially.
Being judged by others as “not being good with money” or “wasting your money” is really hard. Especially when you are actually being very good at managing your money, there just isn’t enough of it.
Talking about your problems often allows you to receive empathy and understanding from friends. Being understood rather than judged won’t solve your problems, but it will make them easier to bear. Your friend is probably not going to be able to solve your problems but their understanding and support is really beneficial.
Others can help in different ways:
• Sometimes other people may know of places you can get help with food and urgent needs.
• Many people have found that talking to someone about your problems often allows you to discover solutions to your problem.
How Do I Know There Is Financial Stress?
You may notice signs of your stress or you may notice them in others.
Emotionally you may notice:
• Increased anxiety
• Mood swings
• Irritability
• Depression
• Feeling overwhelmed or helpless.
Physically you may notice:
• Headaches
• Muscle tension
• Gastrointestinal issues
• Chronically fatigued
Behaviourally you may notice:
• Changes in spending habits, such as excessive frugality or impulsive spending
• Avoidance of social activities due to costs
• Neglecting personal relationships
• Decline in work performance
• Reluctance to answer the door, check mail or answer the telephone due to fear of bills and debt collectors.
If I Think A Friend Is Experiencing Financial Stress How Do I Help Them?
Remember it is usual for people to keep financial issues private and there is a lot of shame around struggling financially. Keeping this to yourself is isolating and disempowering.
If you think a friend needs support remember that you approach them with empathy and make sure you don’t judge them.
Let them know you understand how difficult this all is.
Choose your time to talk. You need to find somewhere that is private and relaxed.
It is best to not assume you know what the problem is. Maybe you can notice they have seemed a bit stressed lately and you just wanted to check in. What’s going on for them? Is there anything they would like to talk about?
If your friend says no, then respect that. Let them know you are there if they need to talk and leave it at that.
If your friend talks, listen with the aim of hearing what they are saying. Remember you are not here to problem solve, just listen and support. Every so often it is helpful to summarise what they are saying to check in you are understanding them okay. This also shows you are listening.
Remember that their voice should be heard more than yours.
Remember to acknowledge that financial stress is a common issue and it is normal and perfectly okay to feel overwhelmed.
Respect their boundaries. Don’t push for information they are not willing to give.
Reassure seeking help is what strong people do.
If you are able to offer practical support, such as assistance with working out a budget and how to approach debtors to work out payment plans, then offer this support. Respect their response – they may say no.
Referral Agencies
Encourage them to see a financial counsellor for their finances. The National Debt Helpline can offer free and confidential advice. The MoneySmart website is run by ASIC and offers advice and tools for managing money and dealing with debt.
If your friend is working their Employee Assistance Program may be a source of a small number of counselling sessions.
Community Organisations such as The Salvation Army and St Vincent de Paul offer many programs and can on occasion offer emergency financial aid.
Beyond Blue and Lifeline Australia can provide counselling and mental health support.
It is also important to assist your friend to approach Centrelink to see if they can get help there. Support them around this as they may not be able to get support.
If they need support with managing their stress they may benefit from seeing a counsellor. You may be able to help them find someone who can help them.
Remember that it is vital to offer emotional support regularly and to check in on how they are.
Retirement
Many people find their job defines who they are and gives them their life purpose. Retirement ends this.
One of the challenges with retirement is finding a purpose in life that doesn’t stretch you financially.
Many people find they are invisible once they retire. As they get older friends die and the circle of friends reduces. They are also cut off from the people they once worked with. This means the world becomes a lot smaller and often lonelier.
Some people plan to retire and they often do better. Others have retirement decisions made for them. That often means financially they are not ready to retire.
Finding people to listen to you is important.
Financial Stress in Retirement
These days many people retire with more debt than previous generations. This can make it harder to manage.
It is even harder if you are trying to manage on an aged pension.
Whether you have some superannuation or rely on the aged pension, you are going to need help with financial planning. The resources listed above under Financial Stress are useful ones to turn to for financial planning in your retirement.
Supporting Retirees
Not everyone who retires planned their retirement or is happy with their retirement.
No matter whether it was planned or not, retirement is a massive transition.
The pandemic caused a lot of people to retire earlier than they planned. This has meant that they were not ready emotionally or financially for retirement. That makes the transition even harder.
Lost life purpose is more likely to happen when retirement is unplanned.
Asking people how they are managing retirement can be helpful. Don’t drop contact with someone because they are retired, they are likely to need your support more than ever and may appreciate your care.
Retirement Is A Loss And That Means Grief
It is helpful to remember that retirement involves grieving for the life that has gone. Even if you are happy to have retired, there are still losses and changes that must be adjusted to.
Be patient. Allow time to adjust. Expect there to be days when you feel sad and even depressed.
Seek help from others. See a counsellor. Don’t pretend everything is wonderful if it isn’t.
If you are supporting someone who is retired, be willing to listen. Remember, the person you are seeking to support just wants to be heard, not problem solved.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you to feel okay, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Every so often I write a blog based on a real client. When I do this it is either at their request or with their permission. I always change details to protect the person’s privacy.
This blog is from a mother who wanted to share her story because she wants to help others who lose a child. In this blog she is called Mary.
Mary’s Story
Mary had a son, Brad. He was an amazing boy. He loved telling funny stories at the dinner table and would have the entire family laughing at his stories. He was happy and sunny and people loved him.
He always wanted to be a chef and managed to complete his studies, getting a full time job in a busy restaurant.
Brad’s Difficult Life
Life was not easy for Brad. He struggled with old injuries that caused pain when he was standing in the kitchen working. He became addicted to heroin, it eased his pain and helped him cope with work in the kitchen.
Over time the heroin became such a large part of his life that it impacted on his work. He went to rehab, was doing well, then relapsed and exited the program. After some time he again tried rehab. Sadly that too failed.
The Day Brad Died
The day he died he was living with his mother and was out in the garden planning to work on an area of the garden.
He went inside to get ready and apparently decided to take a dose of heroin before starting.
His mother found him in the bathroom. An additive in the heroin had killed him.
Losing your child is hard and losing them in this way is even harder.
Being Plunged Into Darkness And Numbness
Mary has been forever tortured by the vision of her son lying on the bathroom floor, dead.
Brad’s death plunged Mary into a deep darkness. She felt she was dying too.
She went through the numbness and difficulty comprehending his death as real.
She had days where she cried and cried, and days when she didn’t get out of bed.
She felt terribly guilty and was full of what ifs. What if I had gone inside sooner? What if I had realised he was still using and sent him back to rehab? What did I do to lead to his addiction (as if it was her fault!)?
She felt lost in the darkness.
I Need Help
Then came a day she realised she needed to do something. She came to see me. Together we picked up the pieces of her shattered life.
In time Mary found a purpose in her new “Brad is dead” life. She realised she would never overcome her grief. She would just learn how to live with it.
How Mary Formed Her New Life
As part of her new life she took the following actions:
• She decided that every year on the anniversary of his death she would visit the location where his ashes were released.
• She also planted a garden in her backyard in honour of Brad. It followed the design he had suggested for the garden he was working on the day he died. Each year on his birthday she adds something to the garden. Lovely bamboo wind chimes, a small statue, a pond and so on.
• She also decided to support the rehab unit he had attended and has instituted measures to fund-raise for the unit.
• As Brad had spent some time homeless during the years of his addiction, Mary also works with a homeless charity, handing out packs of toiletries and food items.
• She also joined a charity that supports the families bereaved by drug addiction
Mary’s Summation
At her final session Mary told me that she still cries on occasion. But these days the tears are what she calls good tears.
Mary showed me a clip on YouTube by actor Billy Bob Thornton who lost his younger brother when he was young. His brother died suddenly from an undiagnosed heart problem.
Years later Billy Bob Thornton says his life is 50% happy and 50% sad. He is okay with that because the melancholy is his way of honouring his brother, so he doesn’t forget him. Billy Bob Thornton doesn’t trust happiness anymore but he is okay with that. He states in the clip that it is important to embrace that you never get over the death of a loved one. He sees the only alternative is to forget his brother and he doesn’t want to do that. He feels it is important to honour the one you lost by what you do. Be it work, sponsoring, walking, fund raising, raising a family, or writing a song. Let the rest of your life honour the one you lost.
Mary thought that was a wonderful summary of what she had discovered.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
There has been extensive research into the impacts of stress on our physical and emotional health. It can cause our cells in our bodies to age faster.
There has also been extensive research into the benefits of taking time out to rest and relax.
But what exactly is rest and relaxation?
How do you overcome the subliminal messaging that you are wasting time if you aren’t achieving something, or ticking off something on your to do list?
How do you allow space in your life to just be, not do?
Seeing Breathing Space as Essential
It is time to stop seeing allowing breathing space as something you have to earn, or that is lazy or indulgent. It is time to realise that breathing space is a basic human need.
To have true breathing space you have to allow your brain to rest. The human brain is not designed to handle constant activity. Constant activity is detrimental to brain health. It also stifles creativity.
Spending time on the computer or on your phone does not rest your brain. In fact research has shown it can increase anxiety and depression.
In a busy day even 10 minutes of brain rest is helpful.
What Are The Benefits of Giving Your Brain a Rest?
Research has shown you focus better on tasks after a short brain rest.
Short breaks can also increase your energy levels and reduce feelings of fatigue.
Giving yourself breathing space also increases your creativity.
When your brain is overloaded it is tired and stressed. Irritability is more common as is also a reduction in compassion for self and others.
How Do You Allow Breathing Space Into Your Life?
• Focus on ‘nothing’
• Start small and work up to longer breathing space
• When in doubt, lie down.
To expand on this:
By focusing on ‘nothing’ you are actually practising mindfulness. In mindfulness you are not actually clearing your mind. This is a common misconception and leads many people to feel they have failed at meditation.
What you are doing is shifting your focus. Instead of your attention darting from one thing to another, you are instead focusing on one thing – your breathe. This focus on your breath is very relaxing. It sends a signal to your brain that you are safe and allows your brain to rest.
When thoughts enter your mind you just acknowledge them and don’t engage with them. It is like sitting in a waiting room. Other people come in and you notice they are there, but you do not talk to them. That is what you do with thoughts. You notice they are there, but you don’t engage with them.
Walking Meditation
Mindfulness can take many forms. In this blog I am talking about walking mindfulness meditation.
This involves a focus on walking. You pay attention to your breath and your feet as you put one foot down, then another. You can stop every so often to just notice what is around you and allow your focus to shift to those things. Then you can go back to noticing your breath and feet as you put one foot down.
You can do this anywhere, but it is best done outside on the ground. This adds the positive impact of nature into your breathing space activity.
Would you like to know more?
If you live on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, Australia I run a Friday morning (7am) walking meditation group. We meet at Mooloolaba Surf Club at 7am and walk and meditate on the beach for an hour. This allows mindfulness to be combined with the breathing space effect of nature.
If you would like to know more about the Friday morning group, please contact me on nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to know more but cannot make my walking group, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au to arrange an appointment.
If you would like to learn even more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Did you know that the fairy tales, in their gory original form date back a number of centuries to the time when people lived in isolated communities in a time before telephone, radio, television and other technology was developed.
In those far off days storytellers travelled from town to town and people took them in so that they could hear stories. When the storyteller stayed in the house the entire household would sit around the fire to hear the stories the storyteller told.
Old Fairy Tales Were Not Sanitised
These stories were not sanitised Disney Style stories. They were like the real Brothers Grimm stories. Full of darkness, death, murder, ghosts, evil beings and abandonment. The children in the family would sit, cuddled in someone’s lap and hear these stories.
Yes the stories were frightening, but the children always had a secure, safe adult there to help them process it. These stories taught them about scary things they would likely encounter in life. But they taught them in a safe way.
Fairy Tales Prepared Children For Future Living
When the children were older and did encounter scary things, they knew they were okay because the scary things were linked to older hearing of stories and the experience of facing those things with a safe adult there.
These children, sitting in a comforting adult lap were co-regulating with the adult. Co-regulation is how children learn to self regulate. Co regulation is how children learn to deal effectively and resiliently with the scary things of life.
Invisible Death
In this world where death is hidden in hospitals and rarely happens in the community there is a need for children to learn about death in a safe space. Just as children in centuries gone by learned about scary things in the supportive lap of an adult.
I have listed in a previous blog some books that are good to read to/with children on the death of their pet. This is the link to that blog: How You And Your Child Can Say Goodbye To A Much Loved Pet – PLC Blog (plentifullifecounselling.com.au).
The Value of Reading Books About Death To Your Child
Reading books that feature grief and death are very helpful in equipping your child with skills to navigate such an emotional and dysregulating time.
Young children respond better to stories in books than conversations. There is a risk if you start talking to children that you can overload them with information. But do remember it is important to be truthful. If your child asks a question about death, answer as truthfully and age appropriately as you can.
Some Popular Books On Grief
Many people I know tell me they read Charlotte’s Web, or saw the original cartoon. This is probably suitable for a child around the age of 8.
Another book, that has also been made into a movie, is Bridge to Terabithia. That is more suitable for a child around the age of 10. If you don’t know the story, it deals with the death of a girl who drowns. It is challenging for children to be introduced to the concept of someone their age dying, but it is most likely a child that age has also realised they will die someday. With the support of an adult this book can be well managed.
You Can’t Shield Your Child From Death
You may balk at the idea of introducing your child to the concept of death but you need to. Death happens to all ages, often randomly and without warning.
You can’t shield your child from death.
Your child is going to meet people who have lost a parent or sibling, they are going to lose their own grandparents. They may even have pets, which means they will die as well.
Teaching Your Child How To Survive Grief
If you approach death in a sensitive but matter of fact way your child will learn that death is hard, but survivable. It is a child’s earliest experiences of death that govern how they will respond to death in their life.
The better you model healthy grieving and discussions around death, the better you child will manage when they face grief in life.
Death can be explored in books through humour, fantasy, ghost stories and particularly realism. The advantage of a book is that a child can read it and take away what they need at the time. Later they can read the book and take away more learnings. It is about what they can manage at the time.
Books Safely Teach About The Unpleasant Truths of Life
The old fairy stories contained many unpleasant truths. It was important then and it is important now for us to allow our children to learn of the existence of these unpleasant truths.
Just as centuries ago children listened to stories about hard things while held safe by a loving, safe adult, so children today can listen to stories about hard things and be held safe by a loving safe adult.
Books Offer A Different Reality
Books are places where a child can leave their reality and glimpse at another reality. Books can be an escape. They can be a place to learn. They can also be places where laughter and even sadness can be experienced. And they do this in a safe way.
If you child is in the position of grieving remember it is hard for a child to lose someone, especially a parent. Many children find it hard to manage. Everyone talks about their parents, and they are missing one. Some children won’t tell people their parent has died because they don’t want to be known as the child whose parent died.
Learning About Death In Safety
Giving your child the opportunity to learn about death while being held safely by you is vital.
If you find yourself struggling because of past grief to teach your child then counselling to process those residual feelings can be helpful.
Some Books You May Find Useful
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst My Many Coloured Days by Dr Seuss Tear Soup Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen The Sound of the Sea by Jacqueline Harvey and Warren Crossett It’s Just Different Now by Linda Espie Why My Mummy? By Donna Penny
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your own grief difficulties or those of your children, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
