
For one who just wants to leave grief and for one day forget grief exists. For one day even smile.
But Grief can’t leave you. Grief can never be away from you.
No matter how much you plead your exhaustion. How little strength you have to carry that heavy burden. How you just can’t cope with the overwhelming, impossible to carry, grief.
Grief is part of you now. Part of your existence. Part of your very being. Every cell in your body is encompassed now by grief.
You may run for a few hours. Be so absorbed in what you are doing that you forget…
But then you remember and Grief comes roaring back into your presence. You can never leave it behind.
You wonder why the world is so cruel. You feel the unfairness of the horrible darkness that has descended on you. The darkness you are fated to carry with you.
You don’t want this. You can’t handle it.
And in the depths of your mind a little voice reminds you of how much you loved the one who died. How feeling the loss of that love, of their presence, of the grief at that loss is how you honour them. How you honour their memory. How you honour everything they are. Everything they were.
And you wonder if there could be another way, but you know there isn’t. The sad reality is the one you loved is dead and you cannot experience them in the land of the living anymore.
You love them. You love them when you spring into consciousness in the morning. You love them as you dress, get breakfast, go about your day.
You love them as the day draws to a close. You love them as you go to sleep. You love them when you wake up in the night and remember.
You love them as you reminisce about them.
You love them as you look through old photos, old videos, things they gave you, jokes you laughed at, their favourite food. Love reminders are everywhere.
Grief is love that is no longer in your worldly life.
Grief is the love you can no longer experience in the presence of the one you loved.
Grief is reality.
Accepting the reality of the loss of your loved one is so hard to do. There are so many memories. Your brain faithfully brings them up for you to remember. Your brain hurts as it struggles to change your connection to your loved one.
It hurts as you struggle to remember and cherish your memories.
You walk through spaces where once they were and you feel the pain of their absence.
You listen for them to call you. You go places alone where once you went together. You think of something you planned together that you can only do on your own. The pain is everywhere and so hard to manage.
So you take a few moments to forget. And just for a little while you can rest without the burden of grief, until it returns as heavy as before.
When you try distractions, try to deliberately forget, grief just returns heavier than before. You can never escape. Grief is with you. Grief is you.
You are so tired of being like this and just want it to be over. But you can’t rush grief.
You struggle on. And on.
One day you realise you have remembered something about the one you loved. Instead of the acute pain you now feel it as something bittersweet and you smile at the memory.
It is then that you realise that grief is not always a terrible pain. Over time is becomes the memories you will always cherish. The memories that are sad but precious at the same time.
When you are in the throws of acute grief you think that moment will never come.
As you struggle through the months, even years, ahead you wonder if you have the stamina to see this through.
Sometimes you manage without help. Sometimes you need to speak to a counsellor. And some day you arrive at the moment where you realise grief really is love in a different form.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz