February 2025 – PLC Blog

5 Perspectives On Grief

Today I have drawn together some wonderful poetry on grief.

On Those Days

The first is by Donna Ashworth. So many people I see for counselling are hard on themselves and forget to give themselves the love the one they have lost would give them. This poem is a reminder to honour the one you loved by loving yourself.

On those days when you miss someone the most,
as though your memories are sharp enough to slice through skin and bone,
remember how they loved you.
Remember how they loved you and do that, for yourself.
In their name, in their honour.
Love yourself, as they loved you.
They would like that.
On those days when you miss someone the most, love yourself harder.

How Long Will You Stay?

This one is by Ullie-kaye and addresses the question of how long grief will stay. The answer is forever, not as bad as this, but still some of it. And Grief reminds you of the new way you must find to live.

Me: How long will you stay?
Grief: for as long as you love them.
Me: Will I always be sad?
Grief: a part of you, yes.
Me: What about the other parts?
Grief: they will find a new way.
Me: A new way for what?
Grief: a new way to breathe
To laugh
To walk
To wake up
To create
To experience nature
To see the world
To be courageous
To hear music
To carry hope
To speak their names
A new way to love from a nearby distance.

Keep Going

Adrian Grief Support wrote this wonderful piece:

Grief can be a very surreal experience, a forced march through a landscape that is frightening, lonely, and utterly bewildering.

You feel like you are slogging along, stumbling really, unnoticed by the rest of the ordinary world while trying to adjust to your new normal, where every step feels uncertain, and your eventual destination is unknown.

Nothing feels normal about the void left by the absence of someone deeply loved.

The adjustment to reality after a significant loss is often a slow and extremely difficult process, taking months and years of gradual acceptance, not days or weeks.

It’s like learning to walk again on an uneven path, where each step forward is reluctant and suffused with the memory of how things used to be.

In this new reality, time itself seems to warp and bend. The world continues its relentless pace, but for the bereaved, it feels like every movement and decision requires a Herculean effort.

Keep going, even though it’s tough right now and you’re really tired.

The path you’re on is awful and feels never-ending, but there’s a point further along where things get a bit easier.

You can’t see it yet, but there’s a place up ahead where the pain starts to ease. As time goes by, you’ll begin to remember the good times more than the bad, and the love you shared will start to outshine the hurt you’re feeling now.

Just keep going, my friend.

The One

This final piece if by Mary Anne Byrne and is a beautiful cry from the heart:

‘The One’

You were my soulmate, my happiness, my life, the one that believed in me, in you I found strength
You were the one who gave meaning to my life, you gave me purpose and a reason to live.
You were the sunshine in all my waking hours, my light, my go to, my guardian and my guide.
You were the one I could always rely on, together nothing fazed us, we were confident and strong.
You were the one who made me feel safe, my stalworth, my protector, my anchor and my rock.
You were the one I could always turn to, your love and support I could always count on.
You were the one who could always make me smile, even on those days when life seemed a little hard.
You were the one that I loved with all my heart and will continue to do so, for the rest of my life.

A Widow’s Story

The last words on this subject are from a client who was happy to share her words with you. Her name is omitted and some details have been changed to give her privacy.

It was 14 months ago and my life fell apart. I lost my husband to cancer.

We had been together 47 years.

He was my soulmate, my confidant, my partner in crime, my best friend. He was my everything.

After he was gone I felt my life had not purpose. There was no joy. I had lost all hope. I found myself drowning and a raging see of grief and loneliness.

My doctor suggested antidepressants. They didn’t help.

I joined a support group. They were friendly and we shared our pain, but it didn’t give me back my purpose, joy or hope.

I wanted to heal and move on. I just didn’t know how. I was stuck in a dark hole and couldn’t see any light.

There was nothing to live for. Nothing to look forward to. Life was very bleak.

I had a loving family and plenty of friends. They all cared for me. They visited me, called me, invited me out, made sure I had plenty of human contact. But I still felt alone and isolated.

So I visited a counsellor.

I learned that what I was experiencing was not unusual. In fact, it was what many grieving people experienced.

I wasn’t mad after all. Nor was I depressed.

I was just grieving.

Being able to talk to someone who understood but wasn’t dealing with their own grief at my husband’s death. They were there just for me.

That felt so nice.

I didn’t feel guilty taking up her time.

I thought I would be given tasks to do and be told to get on with it.

Instead I was given understanding and a space being held for me to be and express all the range of emotions I was feeling.

I started to feel more at peace. Things were starting to make sense.

I started to feel I could be me again. Not the same me as before, but me all the same.

I learned that the me now, the me changed by grief, would be the new me.

I came to understand that grief had led me to feel weak and ineffectual. On my own was a daunting thing. Without my husband I felt so weak.

But I learned I was strong and I could survive this. I could learn how to be on my own after so long. I discovered strengths I didn’t know I possessed and started to feel less overwhelmed by daily tasks.

I realised I was healing and growing. And starting to feel joy and gratitude. I even started to find meaning in my life.

I still miss him. But I know that I can survive now.

I would recommend anyone going through grief to see a grief counsellor.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Trauma Leads To And Is Exacerbated By Homelessness

When I was a child my mother would put our grown out of clothes in bags for the charity collection. I always remember her saying “there but for the grace of God go you and I”. That is true. We are more at risk of homelessness than many of us realise.

My parents grew up through the depression. My mother lived on a farm and her parents were able to weather the years of scarcity. My father was raised by his single mother. There was no financial support for women, only men, and work was hard to come by. They lived a very hand to mouth existence with unstable accommodation that changed often. I grew up learning the reality of homelessness and need.

Homeless: What Is It

Homelessness has been in the news a lot lately. With a shortage of affordable housing and too many people applying for a limited pool of rental homes there are many people living out of cars, tents, couch surfing and living rough.

By living rough I mean people who have to sleep outside, wherever they can find somewhere safe to sleep. This might be under a bridge, a shop doorstep, on the beach, in a park on the ground. It is an existence far more difficult than those of us who have not experienced homelessness understand.

Misconceptions About Homelessness

There are still many misconceptions about homelessness and homeless people. A number of South East Queensland councils have acted on those misconceptions and are waging war on homeless people.

They subscribe to the misconception that homeless people are alcoholics and drug addicts. They believe homeless people are dirty and leave a mess as well as attracting the “criminal element”. They believe homeless people are criminals and endanger the lives of those “upstanding citizens” who live in the area.

This is not true. Homeless people’s main contact with the justice system is through charges being laid because of where they are sleeping.

Causes Of Homelessness

Research into long term homelessness has shown that one of the major causes of homelessness is trauma. Trauma that results in poor Mental Health. There is so little support for those with poor mental health that many end up homeless.

Research also shows that homelessness is a major cause of trauma and poor mental health.

So those who become homeless but are in good mental health will not stay that way for long. And those who are already mentally unwell will get sicker.

Becoming Homeless Is Easier Than You Think

Becoming homeless after trauma is horrifyingly easy. One case is of a man whose son was killed in an accident. They had rented a home together. This man struggled with grief over his son’s death. This impacted on his work performance, and he lost his job. Then he couldn’t pay his rent. He was unable to find another job. He ended up homeless.

In another case a young woman with severe childhood trauma struggled with PTSD and found it hard to keep jobs. There was not the mental health support she needed to support her in staying employed. She had no one to turn to, no support, and ended up homeless.

It is sadly common for ex military personnel to become homless as a result of severe PTSD. Very little is done to support people who have served in the defence forces.

Homelessness Is A Vicious Spiral.

You become homeless. The lack of sleep and safety damages your mental health. It gets worse. If you are already struggling with poor mental health your mental health deteriorates further.

Sleeping rough on the streets is dangerous. It is never possible to drop your guard, so sleep becomes difficult. Constant vigilance leads to anxiety. Sleep is broken by interruptions: some from council workers moving you on, some from police, and some by members of the public. Unfortunately some members of the public are looking for someone to beat up and you are vulnerable to being their victim.

Constant vigilance reduces the quality and quantity of sleep. You become anxious. Sleep is broken. You never get enough sleep. Studies have shown the detrimental effect sleep deprivation has on people. It results in a deterioration in your mental health.

For homeless women it is worse. Night time is a dangerous time and many women spend the night on the move just trying to stay safe. In the day time they will often hide and try to sleep. Of course sleep quality during the day time is very poor so sleep deprivation and deteriorating mental health are also a problem for women.

It is a vicious cycle. Trauma impacts on the ability to function in society, a society where there are few supports. Inevitably some become homeless. The experience of homelessness, the hypervigilance and the fear feed into more hypervigilance and fear. There is the fear of the initial trauma and then the fear of further trauma. Without good mental health it becomes harder to get off the streets.

Poor mental health is most likely to cause further isolation, deeper anxiety and depression. It can also lead to people using drugs to try to cope with the trauma of homelessness. Treating trauma and supporting those who have become homeless is vital to providing a way out of homelessness.

Secure Sleep Environments Are Also Important.

You may wonder how this relates to you?

It is important to remember that childhood trauma is a major precipitating factor for homelessness. There needs to be more support for childhood trauma recovery. If you have a family member who has suffered trauma then encourage them to seek help. If you are in a position to support counselling financially, or arrange support, then please do it.

Likewise, if you have friends who are struggling then encourage them to seek help and support them to continue with that help by encouraging them to continue with therapy and being there to listen to them.

If you are suffering from trauma then seek help. It can make the difference between you being able to cope with life and maintain a job or becoming homeless.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

*please note that whenever I mention someone in my blogs I never use real names and change the circumstances to de-identify the person who has generously given permission for me to use their story in my blog.

Grief Is Not All Just About Death. Other Losses Lead To Grief Too

For most people the word Grief is all about death. Death is a major loss. But any loss is something that needs to be grieved. It can in a wide range of sometimes unexpected forms. When Grief is unconnected from death it can be hard to have the words to use to explain it.

Here are some comments people made on a recent loss page:

Retirement

“I have been a teacher all my life. When I retired it felt like death. That was so painful.”

The End Of A Friendship

“My best friend grew up with me. We knew everything about each other. Even things we never told our parents or our partners. Suddenly the friendship is over and I don’t know why. She just blocked me on everything. It hurts so much.”

Losing A Dream Job And Career

“I have played the clarinet since I was old enough to get my fingers to reach all the keys. I have studied in Europe and been involved in orchestras around the world. I came back to Australia and loved the orchestra I was employed to work in. It wasn’t a big orchestra, we mainly did community work. After all the excitement of performing around the world I felt I was able to give back some of the blessings I had been given. I was bursting to express the skills I had acquired over my lifetime. Suddenly the orchestra was reducing staff and I lost my job. After the shock and disbelief wore off I felt such anger, despair and devastation.”

Losing A Much Loved Pet

“My dog. She was my life. My grandmother gave her to me as a tiny puppy after my mother died. She was the one I could cry to and all she did was love me. I could hug her when things were tough and she would love me. She was beside me as I learned to live without my mother. She was beside me as I navigated those teenage years alone. She was beside me as I grew into adulthood and took those tentative steps to independence. She was by my side for 16 years. And then she wasn’t. No one understood how much she meant to me, how much I depended on her unconditional love and comfort. To them she was just a dog and I could get another.”

Losing A Child

“I was 16 and discovered I was pregnant. I wasn’t ready to have a child. I lived in a very strict fundamentalist Christian home. My parents were very angry and threw me out. I ended up living with a friend’s family. But I couldn’t have a baby there. It was enough they took me in. So I had an abortion. I knew I couldn’t keep the baby, but it still hurt losing it. I remember it on the day it would have been due and I remember it on the day I had the abortion. I look at children the age it would have been and wonder what it would have looked like. No one acknowledges the pain of abortion. The loss.”

“I miscarried my first child. I was 8 weeks and had just started to feel comfortable to allow myself to feel pregnant and dream about what the baby would be like. Then it was gone. People told me I could have another. That I hadn’t bonded with it. Seriously? I felt that baby. I bonded. Having another would never replace this one.”

The One You Love Being Changed By Illness

“My husband had a car accident. He had a head injury and was in a coma for 10 days. When he woke up he wasn’t the same person. He had a different personality. Gone was the spontaneous, fun-loving man I had fallen in love with. Instead there was this morose, rigid person who had to follow a strict schedule and wouldn’t deviate from that. It was heart breaking.”

Physical Restrictions After Illness/Accident

“When I broke my leg my life totally changed. I had more shattered it than broken it. I loved cycling and came off my bike. They tried for months to fix my leg but after 9 months and 7 surgeries it was obvious my leg couldn’t be saved. In the end it was an above knee amputation. It restricted so much of what I could do. Even a below knee amputation would have meant I could do more. But above the knee took so much away from me. I can’t ride a bike anymore. I have tried. My physical restrictions are devastating. I am so lost without the freedom of riding my bike, feeling the wind on my skin as I sped along the road. People just don’t get it.”

Losing Your Purpose In Life

“I am a single parent. My husband left when my son was a baby. I raised him all this time on my own. He is grown up now and has left home and recently married. My whole purpose for 25 years was raising my son. Now he doesn’t need me any more. I have lost my purpose. I am grieving over that and my family don’t understand that.”

Other Losses

There are more instances of loss that I haven’t mentioned here. Moving house, moving to a new state, a new country, having your house burgled or your car stolen, loving a precious possession, and loss of identity. These are just some examples of loss.

The reality is that everyone at some stage in life will lose something or something they love.

Disenfranchised Grief

Grief is little tolerated when there is a death, and it is even less tolerated in the loss of other things.

Grief takes on many forms and the type of grief I have mentioned here is considered to be disenfranchised grief. Grief that is not recognised as grief and therefore is not something that is generally considered acceptable to grieve.

There can be swirling emotions, confusion, devastation, numbness and more. The same emotions expressed when a loved one dies are present in other types of grief. And feeling those emotions is perfectly okay. You have lost something very important and your feelings are valid. Disenfranchisement robs you of the permission to grieve, to feel the pain of the loss.

The Importance Of Acknowledging Your Loss

It is important to acknowledge all losses. Loss is about something you used to have that you don’t have anymore. The losses mentioned are ones that are not openly or publicly acknowledged, but they should. Often if you express your grief at these losses you will get kick back from others. People who think you are overreacting, or being selfish “because others are genuinely suffering from the death of a loved one and you are upset over this insignificant little thing.” But it isn’t insignificant. It is harder to understand. In a way loss through death is simpler. It is something that people can understand.

The Pain Of Lack Of Understanding

It is that lack of understanding that often makes your loss harder.

For the people posting above the lack of understanding from their families and friends made coping with their loss much harder.

The Clarinet player found her family took the attitude that she could retrain and get another job. She found that hard. Playing the clarinet in the orchestra was her dream job. It was her passion. She didn’t have another passion. She likened their attitude to the people who say to the person who lost a baby “you can always have another one” or the person who loses a spouse “there are plenty of other people out there.” She felt that no one understood how devastating this loss was and how deeply she was hurting.

All Losses Should Be Grieved

For these losses there is a need to grieve. This is made harder by the lack of understanding of other people. Many people go through rituals to help them.

The woman who lost her friend had a painting the friend had done at a painting party. She painted over the canvas, adding layers and layers of paint when she felt the need. In time she covered the entire painting so that the original painting was hidden. She found painting over the canvas therapeutic. She felt she was burying that part of her life. As she has never found out why her friend decided to end the friendship it was really helpful for her to just close that part of her life off.

Other people burn things, maintain memory boxes, clear out things, find something symbolic of what was lost – something to comfort. The list is as individual as each person grieving.

It is important to remember that the pain will never completely go away. There will be varying degrees of pain involved.

Always remember that it is perfectly valid to seek grief counselling over these losses.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you grieve your losses, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How Past Trauma Interferes With The Quality of Your Life

Do you struggle to feel joy, peace and love? Did you know that the unresolved, lingering residue of past overwhelming experiences can get in the way of your ability to feel anything at all?

Many people think there is something wrong with them because they don’t feel the same joy, peace and love they see others feel. I have lost track of the number of people who wonder if they are narcissistic because they can’t feel love for others, even those closest to them.

Many people when honest will admit to not feeling much of anything. There may be transient occasional glimmers of joy and love but it is only ever fleeting.

The reality for these people is that their experience is a natural aftermath of trauma.

Trauma Leads To Numbing

Numbing yourself from emotions is a normal biological reaction to serious trauma. According to trauma researcher and psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk, trauma is any painful experience that the individual cannot escape and which overwhelms the individual’s capacity to cope.

For children exposed to trauma that capacity has had little if any development so it doesn’t take much to overwhelm them. For adults the extent of their ability to cope will depend on what opportunities were present in childhood to development the capacity to cope.

Why The Brain Numbs and the Impacts

Survival when experiencing overwhelming stress depends on the ability to shut down the areas of the brain that are involved in transmitting the terrifying feelings and emotions experienced in trauma.

The trouble with this shut down is that both negative and positive feelings and emotions are shut down. Many trauma survivors will report feeling like their feelings are frozen and they are separated from those they love by a wall of thick glass.

This is described as emotional detachment, desensitisation, depersonalisation, alexithymia and dissociation.

If you would like to learn more see my blog: Alexithymia. What is it and do I have it? – PLC Blog

The Problem With Numbing

Imagine not fully experiencing the joy of an amazing piece of music, of a loved one’s touch or an amazing sunset. Imagine instead that you experience only a fraction of the joy such things normally evoke. What you can experience is subdued.

The problem extends to losing the ability to recognise what you are feeling. Reacting to things is often numbed or at best delayed. Making sense of what is going on is really difficult. Being able to look internally and be aware of what you are thinking and feeling and understanding what is actually happening for you doesn’t happen, or may happen much later when it is safe to think.

Why “Quick Fix” Therapies Don’t Work

It is very popular at the moment for people to seek “quick fix” therapies that promise to immediately switch off these problem areas. But these quick fixes don’t work in the long term. Learning to switch on the blocked brain areas takes time. Trauma pathways need to be downgraded and new neuronal networks need to grow to connect the brain to those shut down areas. This takes time. Even in children a new neural pathway takes time to grow and children have faster developing brains than adults.

Much as we would all like our problems to be overcome quickly it is just not possible.

If you have experienced trauma, especially in childhood, you will often find it is hard to describe what you are feeling because you don’t know what your physical sensations in your body mean. This is because you learned to disconnect from your physical sensations in order to manage the overwhelming fear and pain. Your brain then severs the connections between it and the rest of your sensory system in your body.

Losing Your Sense of Who Am I?

This blocking also impacts on your sense of self. You can’t know who you are unless you are able to feel and interpret your physical sensations.

The result of not being able to feel your physical sensations is that you feel muddled and often very hazy inside. You can miss a sense of how overwhelming events in the past were and therefore not be able to comprehend the significance of past events.

Numbing The Past So That It Seems Like Nothing Bad Happened

It is common for traumatised adults to not be able to comprehend how much the past has impacted on them.

One part of trauma therapy involves being able to understand that “blindness” of the past and learn to understand the enormity of what has happened.

An Example.

An example of this is an incident I was in many years ago. I was beaten up by another woman, not because of anything I did wrong, but because that was the space she was in. My immediate response was to feel shame and to feel I did something wrong to cause it to happen. This was something I was primed to believe as a child. I was only beaten because I was bad and it was my fault. It was only later when I told a friend and she reacted with horror that I realised what was done to me was wrong and it was not my fault. I was not used to other people thinking such treatment of me was wrong. This is a common experience for a traumatised child.

The Impact On The Way You Relate To Others

The way you relate to other people, especially those in authority, is impacted by your childhood experience of relationships with the adults in your life. If you had a parent who was angry and judgemental, you may look at authority figures expecting them to be angry and judgemental.

You may also not recognise when you are in an abusive relationship. In my earlier example of being beaten up and feeling it was my fault and feeling shame, I demonstrated a common issue that impacts on adult relationships. For many people caught up in abusive adult relationships it is that early learning that being abused is your fault that leads you to think that behaviour is your fault, not that it is wrong.

How To Recognise Past Trauma

A really effective way to recognise the trauma you have experienced in the past and to help identify it is to be able to create distance between you and the trauma. Some of treating trauma involves teaching you to be able to create some space between you and the thoughts, behaviours and emotions that have been generated as a response to the trauma and triggers of the trauma.

Alongside this is teaching you mindfulness. To be able to feel and observe what is in your body in a safe way.

Distance And Mindfulness Are Companions In Early Trauma Identification And Treatment.

Another aspect of healing is learning to identify the things that trigger the overwhelming memories of your trauma. This allows you to be aware of triggers and take steps to learn not to be overwhelmed by the memories.

Rita, who had a childhood involving severe and terrifying abuse learned to tolerate the physical sensations that sprang up with triggers. These sensations were overwhelming and difficult to cope with. As therapy progressed and she learned mindfulness, to be able to put the scary memories at a distance where she could observe them safely. She learned that avoiding those uncomfortable feelings makes them worse, not better. She learned to see the sensations as sensations that were in the present. But she was safe now and the trauma was no longer happening. With that understanding she was able to learn to calmly notice the sensations and not judge them. Over time she learned that the memories that popped up were of the past and did not constitute threats in her present life.

Severe Anxiety Is Often A Result Of Childhood Trauma

Bruce came to me for help with his severe anxiety.

In therapy he was able to identify that he had grown up in an abusive home environment as the oldest child. He had spent much of his childhood protecting his younger siblings from his father and trying to protect his mother. Like many children in this type of situation, he became parentified. He tried to become the parent as he saw himself as the one who was able to protect his mother and siblings from his father.

In adulthood he worried obsessively about everyone else. He was always concerned about things happening in his siblings’ lives. He worried about his mother. He worried about his wife. He worried about his children. He was constantly hypervigilant and looking for problems he needed to solve. He became overinvolved in his children’s lives and obsessed about things that could go wrong. It became so intrusive in his children’s lives that they cut off contact with him.

In counselling he was able to understand where his hypervigilance and anxiety came from and started learning to feel the sensations in his body and distance himself from the past fears. He practiced mindfulness daily and this allowed him to be use mindfulness when he began to get anxious. In time he learned to let go of his stranglehold on his family and allow them to experience their own difficulties on their own.

At his last session he demonstrated how calm he now felt, how he was able to put anxious thoughts about his family at arms length and process them as not his responsibility and separate them from his past trauma.

Past trauma memories were now memories, sad and scary, but in the past.

He was able to set healthy boundaries around himself and reestablished contact with his children who no longer felt overwhelmed at the intensity of his vigilance over them.

Triggers Are Not Always Bad Things

When working with your trauma it is important to remember that triggers are not always bad things. Nor is being triggered bad. Instead of running away from the feelings and triggers it is important to learn to sit still with those painful feelings.

The Boy In The Forest

There was a boy who wanted to walk through the forest to visit his grandmother. Every time he set out on the path he heard a strange wailing and saw a shadowy figure in this trees up ahead. In terror, he fled back to the safety of the meadow next to the forest.

Several times he tried to walk through the forest and every time he fled in terror at this shadowy figure that wailed strangely.

One day his father decided to come with him. When they heard the scary noise the father kept going. The boy was terrified but kept walking beside his father. They heard the strange wailing and the father didn’t even react. He just kept walking along the path.

Around the corner he could see the shadowy figure writing around his in the trees. His father reached up with his walking stick and caught the figure on the end of the stick, then pulled it towards him. To the boy’s surprise it was an old cloak stuck up in the trees. The wailing sound turned out to be the wind in the trees.

The boy had been avoiding the path because he was too scared to approach the object and see it for what it was. When you are unable to approach your memories you are like that boy. With a counsellor by your side it is possible to face the memories and see them for the past events that they are.

The Risks of Avoiding Your Memories

The risks of avoiding your memories are great. So many people use other things to bring relief. But they find it is only temporary. Numbing can be overeating, restricting food, working too much, excessively exercising, compulsive shopping, pornography, gambling, obsessing about other people, drugs or alcohol and many more. If it numbs you then you will probably try it.

These activities don’t heal the pain and they don’t remove it. They just mask it and the activity has to be done again and again, and you become used to the activity, so it has to be escalated in order to work.

This is why healing work through counselling is so important. In counselling you work to remove the need for numbing and avoiding activities. You can learn to sit with the memories and put them in the past where they belong and not see them as still being in your present.

Allow yourself time to heal, practise mindfulness daily so that you can use it in those triggered moments. Learn to feel into your body and to not be afraid. Learn to feel those emotions and body sensations without fear. Learn to set boundaries between what is now and what was then.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your traumatic memories, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Grief Is Love In A Different Form

For one who just wants to leave grief and for one day forget grief exists. For one day even smile.

But Grief can’t leave you. Grief can never be away from you.

No matter how much you plead your exhaustion. How little strength you have to carry that heavy burden. How you just can’t cope with the overwhelming, impossible to carry, grief.

Grief is part of you now. Part of your existence. Part of your very being. Every cell in your body is encompassed now by grief.

You may run for a few hours. Be so absorbed in what you are doing that you forget…

But then you remember and Grief comes roaring back into your presence. You can never leave it behind.

You wonder why the world is so cruel. You feel the unfairness of the horrible darkness that has descended on you. The darkness you are fated to carry with you.

You don’t want this. You can’t handle it.

And in the depths of your mind a little voice reminds you of how much you loved the one who died. How feeling the loss of that love, of their presence, of the grief at that loss is how you honour them. How you honour their memory. How you honour everything they are. Everything they were.

And you wonder if there could be another way, but you know there isn’t. The sad reality is the one you loved is dead and you cannot experience them in the land of the living anymore.

You love them. You love them when you spring into consciousness in the morning. You love them as you dress, get breakfast, go about your day.

You love them as the day draws to a close. You love them as you go to sleep. You love them when you wake up in the night and remember.

You love them as you reminisce about them.

You love them as you look through old photos, old videos, things they gave you, jokes you laughed at, their favourite food. Love reminders are everywhere.

Grief is love that is no longer in your worldly life.

Grief is the love you can no longer experience in the presence of the one you loved.

Grief is reality.

Accepting the reality of the loss of your loved one is so hard to do. There are so many memories. Your brain faithfully brings them up for you to remember. Your brain hurts as it struggles to change your connection to your loved one.

It hurts as you struggle to remember and cherish your memories.

You walk through spaces where once they were and you feel the pain of their absence.

You listen for them to call you. You go places alone where once you went together. You think of something you planned together that you can only do on your own. The pain is everywhere and so hard to manage.

So you take a few moments to forget. And just for a little while you can rest without the burden of grief, until it returns as heavy as before.

When you try distractions, try to deliberately forget, grief just returns heavier than before. You can never escape. Grief is with you. Grief is you.

You are so tired of being like this and just want it to be over. But you can’t rush grief.

You struggle on. And on.

One day you realise you have remembered something about the one you loved. Instead of the acute pain you now feel it as something bittersweet and you smile at the memory.

It is then that you realise that grief is not always a terrible pain. Over time is becomes the memories you will always cherish. The memories that are sad but precious at the same time.

When you are in the throws of acute grief you think that moment will never come.

As you struggle through the months, even years, ahead you wonder if you have the stamina to see this through.

Sometimes you manage without help. Sometimes you need to speak to a counsellor. And some day you arrive at the moment where you realise grief really is love in a different form.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

5 Minute Ideas To Give Yourself Love and Destress

How often in your busy day do you find time to care for yourself?

Instead do you find yourself rushing from one task to another and end the day depleted and exhausted?

How often do you wake in the morning dreading the day ahead?

Today I am sharing some ideas of things you can do that will take 5 minutes.

Some of my categories may seem weird but I have based them on research about what assists us to experience less stress. I have given some ideas, you can probably think of many more.

Simple 5 Minute Ideas

My favourite go to simple ideas are:

• A short guided meditation. The app Insight Timer is a great source of 5 minute mediations.

• Writing in your journal about anything.

• Sitting quietly and deep breathing.

• Looking up at the stars in the night sky.

• Savouring a favourite herbal tea.

• Close your eyes and imagine a peaceful place.

• Walk outside and breathe in the fresh air.

• Write down 5 things you are grateful for.

Calming 5 minute ideas

My favourite go to calming ideas are:

• Pat your pet

• Sit in a quiet, peaceful place at home and practice deep breathing.

• Create a vision board of your favourite self care practices. Add to it when taking your 5 minute calming time

• Sing a favourite song

• Close your eyes and just focus on breathing

• Massage your wrists

• Doodle

Positive 5 minute ideas

Focusing on the positive is very calming. My favourites are:

• Visualising a wonderful future

• Reading a good news story

• Writing a loving, positive note to your future self

• Reminisce about a happy memory

• Smile as you take a selfie

• Look at Art that inspires you

• Quick repair to an item of clothing – such as sewing on a button.

Declutter 5 Minute Ideas

May seem weird but clutter is stressful and decluttering is calming.

• Quickly throw together some leftover fruit and green vegetables and make a smoothie

• Organise a drawer (or part of it)

• Write down on thing to achieve for the rest of the day

• Make a list of the things you have completed/accomplished recently

• Reorganise part of your desk (or all if it can be done in 5 minutes)

• Journal what you are thinking

• Tidy your Email inbox

• Choose one item of clothing you no longer need and donate it

Social 5 Minute Ideas

• Text a friend a message of appreciation

• Post a positive status on your social media

• Send a friend a song you think they will like

• Send a message to friends suggesting a get together

• Send a thank you note to someone

• Have a quick catch up with someone special – let them know you have 5 minutes and just want to connect for 5 minutes.

• Share a joke or funny meme you have seen recently

• Tell someone you love them

Move 5 Minute Ideas

• Stand up and stretch. Reach for the sky then down to your toes.

• Dance to a great song

• Roll your shoulders backwards and forwards

• Try out assorted power poses – shoulders back, feet firmly on the ground, head up.

• Sit in your chair slightly differently. Maybe push yourself back into the chair more so you sit more upright.

• Try some simple yoga poses

• Jump. Use a skipping rope or do star jumps.

• Go outside and walk around the garden

• Give a thirsty plant some water

Enjoyable 5 Minute Ideas

• If you like incense or scented candles light one and breathe in that beautiful aroma

• Listen to something inspirational

• Listen to a song you love

• Read a motivational quote

• Start your bucket list and spend 5 minutes brainstorming ideas for it

• Draw what you can see out the window

• Doodle – have a special notebook to do this in and you will always have it on hand

• Colour a page in a colouring book

• Give yourself a quick foot bath

Cozy 5 Minute Ideas

• If it is nighttime, put on your comfortable pyjamas

• Snuggle up with a favourite book

• Massage your palms with your thumbs (it feels so relaxing)

• Put your favourite songs into a playlist.

• Watch part of a favourite movie

• Write a comfort food shopping list

• Sit in a favourite corner with a hot chocolate

Mindful 5 Minute Ideas

• Read a book for 5 minutes, reading slowly to take in the words.

• Work on a puzzle that requires focus. Maybe a crossword, sudoku for example.

• Sit quietly focusing on your breathing and the sensations in your body.

• Paint your nails (try doing that without paying attention!)

• Sit quietly and listen to white noise while breathing deeply

• Walk around outside

• Stretch slowly, focusing on the feeling of the stretch

• Hug a tree

• Repeat a personal mantra

Easy 5 Minute Ideas

• Just sit quietly and be present in your body

• Make yourself a drink of water, herbal tea, anything calming

• Work on a jigsaw

• Take a quick walk

• Cuddle your pet

• Massage your feet

• Listen to the sound of running water

Still Stressed?

If you answer that question with a yes that is not surprising. One 5 minute activity is not going to remove your stress. But many throughout the day, over a period of time can help.

It is also important to take more time out regularly to practice longer self care.

It is also a good idea to start your day with some sort of mindful self care activity to clear your mind and calm your body. This is also a good time to set your intentions for the day. As for yesterday’s stress. Don’t take that on board, but you may consider what needs to be added to your to do list from yesterday’s stress. Take on the activity, not the stress.

It is also important to end your day with a mindful self care activity. This focus is on putting aside the day and allowing yourself to calm your mind before going to sleep. You will sleep better and wake up more refreshed.

Can I Help?

I have studied Mindfulness as part of my Master of Counselling and teach mindfulness as well as practicing it myself.

I have also studied the impacts of stress and stress relieving activities.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with managing your stress or would like to learn mindfulness, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Grief Illiteracy

I have been a child losing a much loved grandparent. I have been a nurse constantly dealing with death. I have been an adult losing both parents. Now I am a counsellor working with the bereaved. One thing has struck me throughout my life. It is the lack of knowledge of grief.

I have heard it described as grief illiteracy and that is very accurate. As a society we lack literacy on grief.

People lack the skills to process their own grief and the skills to assist others to process grief.

What Happens Usually With Grief?

When someone is first bereaved there is an understanding that they will be upset and there is a perception of someone emotional who cries a lot.

This can lead to people being afraid to support the bereaved person. The fear of their deep emotions and what to say.

For many people overwhelming emotions are what happen. But for others this doesn’t happen. Some people remain relatively calm.

Both reactions are normal grief reactions. Both are grieving and in pain.

Societal Expectations

The trouble with society expectations is that after a few weeks those who are upset and emotional are expected to be back to normal and those who are seemingly calm are judged as not caring because of the lack of outward emotion.

Grief illiteracy leads people to think that after the funeral everything gets back to normal. People get on with their lives and think you should do that same.

It is as though grief is like a cold. There is a short period of disruption and then back to normal in a few days. Research shows that social support drops off after 3 to 4 days, the time when you should be over a cold.

In our society there is an obsession with things being tidy and neat. There is an adherence to an outdated belief in grief following stages that happen in a certain order. This plays into the tidy and neat obsession.

In reality grief is messy and it takes time.

The Harm Caused By Grief Illiteracy

I have had people come to see me who were being told by friends that it was unhealthy for them to stay home and not come out and socialise as they used to. This when their loved one only died a few weeks ago.

It has been suggested that our society, with its emphasis on working, productivity and serving the consumer does not allow time for grief. It is inconvenient. It is unproductive. In this instant gratification time it prevents others from achieving that instant gratification and is therefore bad and selfish.

The Flip Side Of The Coin, The Belief That Grief As An Emotionally Turbulent Time Lasts Forever

Yes you will always grieve for the one you love. But you will not always be stuck in emotional turmoil. You will thrive, be happy and experience great joy. You will also never forget the one you love.

Many in society judge the bereaved person as not grieving enough if some time later they are living a full life and are happy and full of joy.

The idea that acute grief is eternal. That acute grief is what grief is, rather than just part of the processing of grief. This is a huge barrier to living with loss.

Discomfort Around Death

In western culture there is discomfort around death. Much of this is based on great fear and anxiety around death.

Whereas other cultures have rituals that assist with processing grief, western culture is uncomfortable with rituals.

Yet rituals help acknowledge the reality of death.

People won’t mention the word death and children rarely hear it. Euphemisms are used a lot and there is push back, even from professionals, on the use of the words died and death. Yet many want to use those words.

Some believe to talk about death brings bad luck. Many avoid making wills or planning for end of life such as funeral plans and funeral wishes because they believe it will hasten their death. Others believe attending a funeral will bring bad luck.

The Benefits Of Counselling

Seeing a grief trained counsellor can be helpful when you are battling the grief illiteracy of others.

Being able to talk about the one you lost to someone who gives you permission to talk about your experience is really helpful.

Having permission to grieve is important in order to process that grief.

Seeing a counsellor won’t bring your loved one back, but it will help you process your grief.

Most people who have hidden their grief, afraid of the reaction of others, have found great comfort and relief in being able to talk about their grief.

Being able to talk with someone who is not afraid to mention the taboo words death and died is really affirming. Suddenly it is okay to be sad, to cry, to want to talk about the person, to miss them terribly, but also to laugh and feel joy.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with processing your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au