Did you know that the fairy tales, in their gory original form date back a number of centuries to the time when people lived in isolated communities in a time before telephone, radio, television and other technology was developed.
In those far off days storytellers travelled from town to town and people took them in so that they could hear stories. When the storyteller stayed in the house the entire household would sit around the fire to hear the stories the storyteller told.
Old Fairy Tales Were Not Sanitised
These stories were not sanitised Disney Style stories. They were like the real Brothers Grimm stories. Full of darkness, death, murder, ghosts, evil beings and abandonment. The children in the family would sit, cuddled in someone’s lap and hear these stories.
Yes the stories were frightening, but the children always had a secure, safe adult there to help them process it. These stories taught them about scary things they would likely encounter in life. But they taught them in a safe way.
Fairy Tales Prepared Children For Future Living
When the children were older and did encounter scary things, they knew they were okay because the scary things were linked to older hearing of stories and the experience of facing those things with a safe adult there.
These children, sitting in a comforting adult lap were co-regulating with the adult. Co-regulation is how children learn to self regulate. Co regulation is how children learn to deal effectively and resiliently with the scary things of life.
Invisible Death
In this world where death is hidden in hospitals and rarely happens in the community there is a need for children to learn about death in a safe space. Just as children in centuries gone by learned about scary things in the supportive lap of an adult.
I have listed in a previous blog some books that are good to read to/with children on the death of their pet. This is the link to that blog: How You And Your Child Can Say Goodbye To A Much Loved Pet – PLC Blog (plentifullifecounselling.com.au).
The Value of Reading Books About Death To Your Child
Reading books that feature grief and death are very helpful in equipping your child with skills to navigate such an emotional and dysregulating time.
Young children respond better to stories in books than conversations. There is a risk if you start talking to children that you can overload them with information. But do remember it is important to be truthful. If your child asks a question about death, answer as truthfully and age appropriately as you can.
Some Popular Books On Grief
Many people I know tell me they read Charlotte’s Web, or saw the original cartoon. This is probably suitable for a child around the age of 8.
Another book, that has also been made into a movie, is Bridge to Terabithia. That is more suitable for a child around the age of 10. If you don’t know the story, it deals with the death of a girl who drowns. It is challenging for children to be introduced to the concept of someone their age dying, but it is most likely a child that age has also realised they will die someday. With the support of an adult this book can be well managed.
You Can’t Shield Your Child From Death
You may balk at the idea of introducing your child to the concept of death but you need to. Death happens to all ages, often randomly and without warning.
You can’t shield your child from death.
Your child is going to meet people who have lost a parent or sibling, they are going to lose their own grandparents. They may even have pets, which means they will die as well.
Teaching Your Child How To Survive Grief
If you approach death in a sensitive but matter of fact way your child will learn that death is hard, but survivable. It is a child’s earliest experiences of death that govern how they will respond to death in their life.
The better you model healthy grieving and discussions around death, the better you child will manage when they face grief in life.
Death can be explored in books through humour, fantasy, ghost stories and particularly realism. The advantage of a book is that a child can read it and take away what they need at the time. Later they can read the book and take away more learnings. It is about what they can manage at the time.
Books Safely Teach About The Unpleasant Truths of Life
The old fairy stories contained many unpleasant truths. It was important then and it is important now for us to allow our children to learn of the existence of these unpleasant truths.
Just as centuries ago children listened to stories about hard things while held safe by a loving, safe adult, so children today can listen to stories about hard things and be held safe by a loving safe adult.
Books Offer A Different Reality
Books are places where a child can leave their reality and glimpse at another reality. Books can be an escape. They can be a place to learn. They can also be places where laughter and even sadness can be experienced. And they do this in a safe way.
If you child is in the position of grieving remember it is hard for a child to lose someone, especially a parent. Many children find it hard to manage. Everyone talks about their parents, and they are missing one. Some children won’t tell people their parent has died because they don’t want to be known as the child whose parent died.
Learning About Death In Safety
Giving your child the opportunity to learn about death while being held safely by you is vital.
If you find yourself struggling because of past grief to teach your child then counselling to process those residual feelings can be helpful.
Some Books You May Find Useful
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
My Many Coloured Days by Dr Seuss
Tear Soup Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen
The Sound of the Sea by Jacqueline Harvey and Warren Crossett
It’s Just Different Now by Linda Espie
Why My Mummy? By Donna Penny
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your own grief difficulties or those of your children, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz