
I have been a child losing a much loved grandparent. I have been a nurse constantly dealing with death. I have been an adult losing both parents. Now I am a counsellor working with the bereaved. One thing has struck me throughout my life. It is the lack of knowledge of grief.
I have heard it described as grief illiteracy and that is very accurate. As a society we lack literacy on grief.
People lack the skills to process their own grief and the skills to assist others to process grief.
What Happens Usually With Grief?
When someone is first bereaved there is an understanding that they will be upset and there is a perception of someone emotional who cries a lot.
This can lead to people being afraid to support the bereaved person. The fear of their deep emotions and what to say.
For many people overwhelming emotions are what happen. But for others this doesn’t happen. Some people remain relatively calm.
Both reactions are normal grief reactions. Both are grieving and in pain.
Societal Expectations
The trouble with society expectations is that after a few weeks those who are upset and emotional are expected to be back to normal and those who are seemingly calm are judged as not caring because of the lack of outward emotion.
Grief illiteracy leads people to think that after the funeral everything gets back to normal. People get on with their lives and think you should do that same.
It is as though grief is like a cold. There is a short period of disruption and then back to normal in a few days. Research shows that social support drops off after 3 to 4 days, the time when you should be over a cold.
In our society there is an obsession with things being tidy and neat. There is an adherence to an outdated belief in grief following stages that happen in a certain order. This plays into the tidy and neat obsession.
In reality grief is messy and it takes time.
The Harm Caused By Grief Illiteracy
I have had people come to see me who were being told by friends that it was unhealthy for them to stay home and not come out and socialise as they used to. This when their loved one only died a few weeks ago.
It has been suggested that our society, with its emphasis on working, productivity and serving the consumer does not allow time for grief. It is inconvenient. It is unproductive. In this instant gratification time it prevents others from achieving that instant gratification and is therefore bad and selfish.
The Flip Side Of The Coin, The Belief That Grief As An Emotionally Turbulent Time Lasts Forever
Yes you will always grieve for the one you love. But you will not always be stuck in emotional turmoil. You will thrive, be happy and experience great joy. You will also never forget the one you love.
Many in society judge the bereaved person as not grieving enough if some time later they are living a full life and are happy and full of joy.
The idea that acute grief is eternal. That acute grief is what grief is, rather than just part of the processing of grief. This is a huge barrier to living with loss.
Discomfort Around Death
In western culture there is discomfort around death. Much of this is based on great fear and anxiety around death.
Whereas other cultures have rituals that assist with processing grief, western culture is uncomfortable with rituals.
Yet rituals help acknowledge the reality of death.
People won’t mention the word death and children rarely hear it. Euphemisms are used a lot and there is push back, even from professionals, on the use of the words died and death. Yet many want to use those words.
Some believe to talk about death brings bad luck. Many avoid making wills or planning for end of life such as funeral plans and funeral wishes because they believe it will hasten their death. Others believe attending a funeral will bring bad luck.
The Benefits Of Counselling
Seeing a grief trained counsellor can be helpful when you are battling the grief illiteracy of others.
Being able to talk about the one you lost to someone who gives you permission to talk about your experience is really helpful.
Having permission to grieve is important in order to process that grief.
Seeing a counsellor won’t bring your loved one back, but it will help you process your grief.
Most people who have hidden their grief, afraid of the reaction of others, have found great comfort and relief in being able to talk about their grief.
Being able to talk with someone who is not afraid to mention the taboo words death and died is really affirming. Suddenly it is okay to be sad, to cry, to want to talk about the person, to miss them terribly, but also to laugh and feel joy.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with processing your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz