I was reading recently about the experience of Carrie Fisher’s daughter grieving for her mother as the years pass on the anniversary of her death.

It brought to mind my own experience grieving for my mother.

For Carri Fisher’s daughter the day is something to dread. She starts worrying about it weeks in advance. She knows she will be feeling awful and dreads the day coming. She wakes up on that day with a dark cloud over her. She related that it takes her children waking up to dispel the dark clouds.

She described the anniversaries of her mother’s death to an emotional tropical storm. It rains a lot but the light between is more beautiful than days without storm clouds.

Dancing With The Limp

Anne Lamott, in her book “Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith.” Wrote:

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”

The Limp Makes You A Better Dancer

Carrie Fisher’s daughter thought that analogy was so true. She realised she has a limp from her grief but she is dancing through life and is a better dancer because of her limp.

Her grief helped her to appreciate more the little moments of life. She said she watches her children and feels they are magic. She sees her mother as being in that magic. There is that realisation that she can feel a lot of things: grief, joy, longing, magic, emptiness, fullness. All coexist profoundly.

Those words are very powerful.

My Experience with Death Anniversaries

Reading them I was reminded of my grief after my mother’s death. I didn’t have a wonderful loving relationship with my mother. There was a lot of hurt and pain to work through after she died and some years I deliberately ignored her death anniversary.

No matter how hard I tried to avoid it however, I would find myself feeling inexplicably down. Looking at the calendar I would realise it was my mother’s death anniversary.

The Body Does Not Forget

I may have wanted to forget but my body did not.

Last year was 21 years since she died. Reflecting on her death and the intervening years I realised it was 21 years of liberation from her controlling behaviour.

I was able to celebrate the coming of age of my freedom to be me. It felt like the end of an era.

I wonder if this year I will feel unsettled on her death anniversary?

Sweetness Of Love Bitterness Of Loss Or Is It?

For many people the relationship with their parent/s is a wonderful relationship and the sadness of their death anniversary has the sweetness of love and the bitterness of loss in it.

For others the relationship carries a lot of pain. This compounds the death anniversary. There is more longing for the love that never was. The bitterness is for the loss of opportunity to ever experience that love.

Death Anniversaries Occur In All Losses

Of course, death anniversaries do not only occur with children grieving their parent. Every death has an anniversary and every one who loved that person is part of that death anniversary.

Planning For Death Anniversaries

The important thing about the death anniversary is to allow it to be. Don’t rush to avoid it. Instead plan how you will remember it.

Many people I know plan special activities for the death anniversary of their loved one. Maybe they do something their loved one liked doing, or they arrange a private day on their own. Some organise a get together with others who loved this person. Others just acknowledge the day.

Whatever you plan to do is part of how you cope with your loved one’s death. It can be a day to spend thinking about the person, reflecting on their life, acknowledging the changes in your life since they died. If the relationship was difficult, maybe you will spend the day reflecting on how you have grown since then. Maybe you will look at ways to let go of the hurt they inflicted on you.

In the early years of grief it is always helpful to plan what you will do on the day. You may continue that as time goes on or you may be more impromptu in your actions on that day.
Whatever you decide, allow yourself to be okay with that.

Getting Help

If you still find yourself struggling to manage your grief and feel it affects how you live your life then seeking the assistance of a grief counsellor can be helpful.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz