Losing Someone Is and Isn’t Like Losing My Phone

Have you ever lost something important, like your purse or phone, and raced back to find it, only to have it never be found again?

What was that like to experience that?

Most people asked that question will say they felt panic and disbelief. Panic at how they would manage without it and disbelief that it could be lost.

Then they started to berate themselves at losing it.

Up came the “if only I had been more careful”. “If only I had checked to make sure I had it at such and such a place.”

Many people report feeling sick at the thought of losing this item. They may feel disoriented and very vulnerable. Then they start to wonder what will happen. How will they manage without their phone, credit cards, money.

We form attachments to objects and people

When we lose things we are often devastated. We have a strong attachment to the things we own, particularly those that matter to us.

It is similar with people we are attached to. The people who matter in our lives.

Neurologically that attachment can be seen in the brain. We have neuronal pathways in our brains that allow us to experience what others are feeling. When we see another person performing an activity our mirror neurons respond. When we see another person hurt themselves we can understand their pain. More recently neuroscientists have identified the role of mirror neurons in human attachment. The attachments we form with the people we are closest to.

What’s it like losing someone you love?

If you can imagine being so upset at the loss of a phone or purse, what would it be like to lose the person you love deeply?

Many words come to mind:

Devastated, deprived, destitute, stripped, bereft, bereaved.

These words are synonyms of each other.

Other synonyms are disbelief, disorientation, vulnerable.

Similar reactions to losing your phone but much more extreme.

When I was looking for synonyms for bereaved I not only came across the above words, but I also came across other phrases.

One “to be robbed” was a surprise. But when I thought about it I realised it made sense. This important person in your life is gone. You search for them. You don’t believe you could possibly have lost them. You berate yourself for being so careless. You start on the what ifs and progress to the how will I manage?

You search, even hunt for the person, for evidence of their continued existence. You feel disbelief. You bargain to keep them here. You start on the what ifs. You are anxious, fearful, sad, disbelieving, terrified and feeling guilty.

You have a strong sense of how unfair this all is. You may even think you don’t deserve this. Worse, you may feel that is your lot in life, to have everyone leave you.

Putting off the inevitable until it catches you

Although death is inevitable, we all push that knowledge aside and don’t think about it. We don’t think about our own death and we don’t think about the death of those we love. So unless we know someone is dying, we don’t prepare for that time.

Despite your strongest desire to not be here, here you are.

Life is suddenly hard. So, so hard.

You are struggling and experiencing many things: Here is a list of some of the things you may be experiencing:

• Insomnia
• Physical exhaustion
• Loss of time
• Confusion
• Sadness
• Anger
• Clumsiness
• Sleeping all the time
• Anxiety
• Nightmares
• Intense dreams
• Loss of appetite
• Loss of interest
• Feeling like you don’t belong
• Eating everything
• Frustration
• Sense of unreality
• Loneliness
• Memory loss
• Physical sensations including chest pain and stomach pain
• Unable to concentrate
• Difficult to focus on reading
• Short attention span
• Restlessness
• Hypersensitivity to anything and everything
• Phantom aches and pains
• Interpersonal challenges
• Feeling that nothing has meaning
• Feeling that everything has meaning
• Inability to cry
• Inability to stop crying, you may even cry so much you gag or vomit.
• Numbness
• Mood swings
• Everyday tasks seem confusing
• Dark sense of humour
• Screaming in the car, out walking, in your bedroom, in the shower.
• Crying silently
• Feeling different from everyone else
• Feeling short tempered
• Unable to complete tasks, such as shopping, putting things away. You may find you walk away in the middle of doing something.
• Feeling immense love for everything around you.

The list is extensive. And this is only some of the list. What you may be experiencing may not even be on the list. That doesn’t make it abnormal, it just means I haven’t listed it.

Grief involves your entire body

It is important to know that grief is a full body experience.

There are good reasons why you are tired.

There are good reasons why your stamina seems to have evaporated.

There are valid reasons for your lack of focus and that you find even simple tasks impossible to do.

Your brain is trying to make sense of an event that doesn’t make sense. It is trying to dismantle neural pathways and build new ones. This is in addition all the usual daily requirements of your brain. No wonder then that it has trouble functioning.

Your body is trying to hold the impossible reality of this even within itself. That doesn’t leave a lot of capacity for normal daily tasks of living.

All of you is working hard to just get through each day.

You don’t “get over” grief

Remember that there is no getting over grief. You will most likely reach a point where you can learn to live with what has happened but you will not get over it.

Closure is a word that is used a lot but is something that does not happen. You may find a sense of “meaning” in what has happened, but you will never reach closure.

Remember that grief is often described as love after death. It is so true.

Grief is hard

Grief is really hard. It will impact you physically, emotionally, cognitively and spiritually.

There are no stages in death. These 5 stages devised by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross were used to describe the process of a person dying, not the experience of those who are left behind. It was never intended to be a description of anything else but dying.

Death is the end of a person’s life. However, the relationship we have with the person still continues.

Grief is inevitable

Grief is inevitable. We will all die and we will all lose someone we love.

Grief is part of the way our brains work. It is a function of our brains to form strong connections to the people we love. It is also part of the function of our brains to grieve.

Importantly, it is also part of the function of our brains to heal.

It is said that healing begins when we reach a point of understanding our loss was not something we wanted or deserved. It is just something we have.

When we can understand and accept that then we can start to grieve.

Trust your brain

I always tell people to trust what their brains are doing and to be kind to themselves. I remind them they are the one who needs support and understanding and to allow time for that.

I remind them that at the funeral they are not required to flit around being sociable and attending to the needs of others.

You are required to cry if you need to. To remove yourself from the company of others if that is what you need. To allow yourself to be looked after if you need it. To walk away from attending to the needs of others, unless they are your children. You will attend to your children’s needs and then your own, always your own. To not have unrealistic expectations of how much you can achieve. To accept that you are doing your best.

It’s your right to grieve

These words by Thich Nhat Hanh (How to live when a loved one dies) are a lovely affirmation of your right to grieve.

“When we lose a loved one, our heart is filled with a deep suffering that we cannot express. But we can express our pain in tears. We can cry. When you cry, you feel better.

“Men can cry too. I wanted to cry when I saw someone else crying. It is human nature to cry. To be able to cry brings comfort, relief and healing.

“if you want to cry, please cry.

And know that I will cry with you.

The tears you shed will heal us both

Your tears are mine.”

Prolonged Grief

It is vital to remember that you are hard-wired to heal from grief. However, the wound can become infected and you may need more specialist assistance from a therapist trained in working with Prolonged Grief Disorder.

Getting Help

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

I am also trained in working with Prolonged Grief Disorder and can help you if that is your experience in grief.

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

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