I recently read an opinion piece by Meg Walter. It was about the year following the death of her much loved father.

She titled it “What I learned during the worst year of my life”

During that year she lost her father. She found it terribly painful and was hoping the new year would bring less pain.

She realised, however, that she had learned some important things during her worst year. She didn’t want to learn them, but she did, and they have changed her life’s direction.

Life Goes On, But Grief Will Insert Itself

This was a heading Meg had in her writing. I think it is really apt.

Losing her dad was a shock. Then there was the funeral and what she described as “a much-needed period of bereavement”. After that she had to go back out into the world. What she described as re-entering society.

For her this was a case of discovering how many times you can cry in strange places.

Grief Is Unpredictable

She discovered her grief hit her unpredictably, like waves, and hit her far too many times in public. This is something most people report experiencing. I remember that time myself. It is not easy.

Grief Has Many Triggers

She also discovered that there are many triggers that made her cry. Things she was not aware would be triggers. She found any man older than her father had been was distressing.

I remember years after my much loved grandfather died hearing about the death of a man who wrote a daily devotional I had read for years. I had never met the man, but I thought of his grandchildren and their distress at his death and I sobbed uncontrollably for some time.

There is no time limit for when their death will distress you.

For Meg songs her father loved were another trigger. People have reported to me being triggered by a certain scent, an animal, a vehicle like the one their loved one owned, seeing someone doing the same type of job, a favourite place, or nothing at all. Even today 40 plus years after my grandfather died I still get teary seeing an old man.

Grief Intervenes Anywhere and Everywhere

Tears can come in the strangest places too. Meg described crying in a bank, her children’s school, doctor’s surgery, car wash, a restaurant, at home online, at the hairdresser. The list of places is endless.

The Fear Of Crying In Public

One of the biggest fears I find with people who are grieving is that they will cry in public. For many this is deeply shaming. Meg reported learning to not feel so ashamed and embarrassed. Instead she learned to feel grateful to be able to sit with the emotions and understand her feelings. She described as this being something that in normal life is rare.

That is true. It is a good way to view those times of overwhelming emotion. Instead of seeing them as embarrassing, see them as a special opportunity to sit with those emotions and understand your feelings.

Sadness Harmonises With Other Emotions

This is another one of Meg’s headings. It is a great description of what happens.

Meg found that over time she didn’t cry as much in public, or even in private.

She found that she grew used to the sadness. Once that happened she started feeling other emotions as well.

Sadness has become something that is always there. It sits next to other feelings.

This is something many people who come to see me acknowledge. They can be sad and delight in something. They can be sad and spend a few hours watching a funny movie. They can laugh and be sad too.

Sadness can be overwhelming at times. Most people experience that. But sadness can always be there. Meg describes it as a companion emotion. Being a little bit sad.

The Pain Never Really Goes Away

This is something I often talk about. There will always be that pain. One of the best descriptions I have seen of that pain is seen in the picture that accompanies this blog. It is of a black rock in a small jar. It takes up almost the entire jar. Over time the jar grows but the rock doesn’t. The jar grows and the rock becomes relatively smaller.

As you grieve you grow. The pain is still there, but it is not as overwhelming as it once was.

Meg expressed her hope that the pain would transform to be a reminder of who her father was and what he meant to her. Most people who come to see me find that over time their pain undergoes that transformation.

Finding Meaning

We humans are meaning finding. We search throughout our lives for meaning. Meaning in life and meaning in life’s events.

When someone we love dies we search for meaning in their lives, in your life.

For Meg that meaning was that her father is remembered for being a good man who treated others well and valued his relationships. That was important to her. It became her meaning.

Meg concluded that her father’s loss redefined her, as it does to all of us. Her hope was that this redefinition was for the better. That is a wish most people who come to see me express.

Meg hoped that the lessons she learned from her father’s death will stay with her. I find they usually do.

That redefinition and learning of lessons is a vital part of meaning making in your life after you lose one you loved.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz