If you are grieving you may have noticed that a lot of people want to give you advice on how to manage your grief.

They may tell you how long you should grieve, or that you should read this book, or do that course, or join this particular group.

They may tell you that you should be over your grief by now, or to cheer up.

They may tell you to throw out things that you are holding on to that remind you of the one you lost.

They may try the “They are in a better place” line. Or tell you “You can have another child”. Or “You are young, there will be other partners out there”.

Some of their advice may be helpful, but most isn’t.

What I Will Do If You Come To See Me.

If you come to me to ask you how you should be grieving I won’t tell you. I will help you to understand that your grief symptoms are experienced by many other people. So you are not going mad.

I will listen to your story and help you to tell that story.

I will help you to make sense of what is going on in your life.

But I will not tell you what to do.

I will answer your questions and help you to explore books, courses and groups if you wish to explore them.

But I will not tell you what to do.

Why Can’t I Tell You What To Do?

I can’t tell you what to do because you are you and I am me. Our life experiences are different. Our personalities are different. Our way of viewing the world is different. Our experiences of grief are different.

Yes, I understand the grief process. I have studied grief extensively and have been trained on a number of different ways of helping you with your grief, some of which I may use when you come to see me.

But I will not impose any formulas on you or tell you how you should be grieving.

You Are The Expert Of Your Own Grief

You are the expert of your own grief are the worlds of Grief Therapist David Kessler.

He experienced some of his own terrible tragedies, yet he never tells people how to grieve. He has counselled people in grief for decades and he has never told them how to grieve.

He understands that each grief is individual. Yes, other people may experience similar things, but they will not have the same grief as you. And what worked for them will not work for you.

Sharing Ideas With Others

It can be helpful to share your experience with other people who will listen.

You may hear ways that other people have managed and find that works for you too. On the flip side, you may hear ways other people have managed and know that is not going to work for you.

As long as the ideas of others are shared in conversation when you want to listen and not shoved down your throat, they may be helpful.

Grief Is Different All The Time

I was reminded of this recently when I found myself feeling inexplicably down, then realised it was the 21st anniversary of my mother’s death. Why this year? Other years I hadn’t even noticed the date, but this year it was really hard.

I am not alone in that experience. People often tell me how confused they are that doing something that has not upset then previously suddenly has caused great distress.

Grief is very like that.

I teach many people that grief is like the seasons. It changes constantly. It is like living in Melbourne! Several seasons in one day. That is how grief impacts.

You can never pick when your grief will impact you. All you can do is learn to roll with the feelings.

Remember The Advice Givers Are Often Uncomfortable With Your Feelings

I always tell people that the advice givers are often giving advice because they are uncomfortable with your feelings.

Maybe they don’t know how to respond.

Maybe they feel they have to “solve your problem” and don’t know how to.

Maybe they were taught to shut down their own feelings.

Maybe they just don’t know how to deal with the discomfort of your emotions.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you to feel heard, understand and to not receive advice, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz