Most of my clients are not in a hurry to get over their grief. They cannot conceive of not hurting for the loss of their loved one.
Occasionally I see clients who just want to get over their grief. And they expect me to have some strategies to give them to get over it quickly.
Here are some reasons why you can’t just will yourself to get over it.
1.YOUR MOTIVATION IS BASED ON FEAR.
It is scary losing someone you love, especially if your financial security was reliant on that person. It is so incredibly scary. How are you going to survive financially?
There may be pressure to get back to work or find work quickly to help with the finances.
Grief makes it difficult to do those things. Not impossible, just difficult.
2.YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT “MAKING A SCENE” BY CRYING AT WORK.
A lot of people talk to me about the fear of crying in front of others. There is such a taboo in our society about people crying that losing control of your emotions in public can be terrifying.
3.YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE ON A ROLLERCOASTER OF EMOTIONS.
You feel like it because you are.
Grief results in so many different emotions. There is no control over them and no predictability, particularly in the early days of grief.
Neurologically there is a very good reason why you are experiencing so many emotions. Your brain is working really hard to build new neural pathways and erase old ones.
4.YOU FIND IT DIFFICULT TO FOCUS AND CONCENTRATE ON TASKS.
Your brain is to blame for this one. As mentioned above, it is very busy.
5.THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS YOU HAVE TO ORGANISE AND DECISIONS YOU HAVE TO MAKE.
You are trying to do this while experiencing that rollercoaster of emotions and finding it difficult to concentrate.
You try really hard but focusing on making those decisions is just not working.
Or you make a decision and regret it later.
6.YOU HAVE TO ALLOW YOURSELF TIME TO GRIEVE.
The quickest way to get over that grief is to give yourself time and space to grieve.
The more you force getting over it, the longer it will take.
7.YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN SEE A COUNSELLOR WHO WILL GIVE YOU STRATEGIES TO GET OVER YOUR GRIEF.
There are counsellors out there who will tell you they can do that, but there are no strategies.
If you come to see me and discuss this one with me, I will ask you for more information on what is happening for you and what “getting over it” looks like.
I am more likely to tell you to give yourself permission to have bad days, and good days. To give yourself permission to want to spend the day in bed or go to work.
I might add here that many people who rush back to work regret that decision later. Because in the early days they are not in a position to cope with work.
I can teach you ways to deal with a particular issue, but there is no strategy to “get over” grief.
8.FINALLY, THE DEATH OF YOUR LOVED ONE WAS TRAUMATIC AND YOU ARE DESPERATE TO FORGET THAT TRAUMA.
I don’t blame you for wanting to forget that. Traumatic events are things we avoid not look forward to.
Counselling and debriefing is essential. Not just as a one off but as a few sessions to allow yourself time to process the trauma.
You will not be able to process your grief until you process your trauma.
All the will in the world cannot force your brain and body to get over grief quickly. You may force yourself by running and running, but sooner or later you will come crashing down.
Seek counselling and stick with it. You need help processing all that has happened.
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, especially traumatic grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz