Living Life – Page 8

10 ways to roll with life’s punches better

Awareness of the importance of resilience has increased over the past few years. But what is resilience?

Most definitions will say that resilience is the capacity of an individual to manage difficult situations by using psychological, social, cultural and physical resources available to them and be able to work out how to use these resources in a meaningful way.

IN SHORT, RESILIENCE IS:

• The ability to bounce back when faced with stress or pressure

• The ability to fall and pick yourself up

• Knowing when to persevere or decide to stop doing something

• Be able to accept the new reality, even when it is less good, and work to create something that is good enough

• Being able to ask for appropriate help.

RESILIENT PEOPLE ARE NOT:

• Always positive and upbeat

• Know how to achieve things on their own

• Never give up

• Tend to be perfectionists.

RESILIENT PEOPLE ARE:

• Less prone to stress

• Have strong problem solving skills

• Accept difficulties as part of life

• Be aware of the situation, their feelings and how other people are behaving

• Accept what they are responsible for and what other people are responsible for

• Experience greater satisfaction in life

• Know how to effectively manage social and emotional areas of life

• More optimistic

• Not afraid to ask for help

• Less afraid of facing life’s challenges

• Know life can be difficult and doing new things is scary but do them anyway

• Have a strong sense of self and are more confident in their own abilities

• Are creative

• Identify as a survivor not a victim.

BUILDING UP YOUR RESILIENCE

Now you have an idea of what resilience is. Maybe you are thinking you don’t have those skills. Don’t worry, you can build up your resilience.

Here are 10 things you can do to build up your resilience.

When you experience challenges in life, pay attention to what you are feeling, how you are reacting, what your body is feeling. Pay attention also to words or statements that are running through your head. Be particularly aware of statements that tell you that you can’t do this, you are useless, have done something bad, this always happens to me, I shouldn’t be upset by this, I should be able to manage this and so on. Choose to see the experience as something that is outside you, rather than part of you. This means you need to separate your negative words from being about you.
Note the attitudes you have around difficulties in life. Again, this is best expressed in your self talk. You may find your self talk is making statements about why this is happening or how hard it will be to cope. These attitudes sound like facts but they are actually unhelpful habitual statements that hold you back. Challenge those thoughts. Are they actually true? Tell yourself those statements are not the truth and that you have the skills, or know who to turn to for help.
Derail those unhelpful thoughts with the following practice: STOP Take a few deep, slow breaths Notice what is being said in your mind Identify the thoughts as visitors with opinions, not statements of who you are Choose how you are going to proceed.
Establish a daily practice of mindfulness. Take a few minutes out to just sit quietly and pay attention to your breath. Allow yourself to not engage with any thoughts you are thinking. They will come, but you can just notice them and let them go. Practice this at least daily, or a few times a day. when you practice this regularly you can use this when challenging things happen to give yourself time to collect your thoughts and make decisions more effectively.
Reach out to others for help.
Be aware of the reactions you have when things are difficult. Allow yourself to react, be upset, be angry, feel powerless. Allow yourself time out to explore those feelings. Exploring them mindfully can help. Allow yourself time to sit with the feelings and let them settle. When you feel calmer you can make decisions on how to act.
Choose to change your inner dialogue. That is the one where you make a mistake and tell yourself you are useless. Change that so that you say you made a mistake and that is okay. This is a practice you can practice always so that when difficulties arise you don’t default to the negative thoughts. Choose to see your strengths. When you feel calm enough explore what skills and strengths you have that can help you.
Don’t fight the difficulties. They have happened and no amount of thinking or railing against it will change things. Explore what you control and what you can’t. The things you control are things you can work through. Those things you can’t control are either things you may be able to seek help from someone else for or are things that you accept and work out how to work with.
Develop an action plan with clearly defined and measurable steps to work through. Start off with one small thing you can do that will move you in the direction you want to go in.
Remember to look after yourself. Take time out regularly to do things you enjoy and relax you. This allows you to be well rested and less stressed when difficult things happen. That way you are in the best place to work through the difficulties.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you develop resilience, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Why my mistakes are not me

Have you noticed how people use shaming language?

Let me explain.

A small child is struggling to do something which is beyond their age related ability to complete. An impatient parent grabs the item from them saying: “You are so useless, I’ll do it”.

A child in school forgets to write their name on their exam paper. The teacher hands the other students their papers and announces in a loud voice that xx is a failure yet again because they didn’t put their name on their paper.

You make a mistake and your self talk immediately tells you how useless you are for making that mistake.

SHAMING LANGUAGE MAKES YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE USELESS

Can you relate to any of these examples?

I sure can.

How do you respond to the shaming of these examples and other incidents?

Do you believe those words are true and you are shameful? Do you then try to suppress those feelings of shame?

CHANGING THE LANGUAGE OF SHAME

What if instead of shaming and suppressing you changed the language?

What if you reframed those words instead?

Instead of:

• “You are useless” because you made a mistake. Try “I made a mistake”

• “you are so stupid” because you did something you think is wrong try “that was not the best idea” or “that idea didn’t work. What else can I try?”.

• “Why does this happen to me?” Try “Oh this is interesting, what can I learn from this?”

• “Why can’t I do this?” Try “how can I make this work?”

• “Why is this happening?” Try “what can I do to change this?”

• “How could they do this to me?” Try “how can I use this?”

• “Why can’t I make enough money?” Try “how can I add more value?”

• “Why is there never enough time?” Try “what can I alter to fit in these things I really want in my life.”

• “I am so useless, I don’t know how to do this”. Try “I don’t know how to do this, who can I ask for help?”

QUESTIONING THE LANGUAGE OF SHAME

When those thoughts pop into your head try asking yourself:

• Is it true? (Am I really stupid?)

• Is it sensible? (to think I am stupid)

• Is it helpful? (to say this about me – short answer NO)

After you have established what you have just said is not true, sensible or helpful, try reframing it.

REVIEWING THE THINGS YOU DO TO SEE THE POSITIVE ACTIONS

When you do something, it can be really helpful to review how it went. Next time try asking yourself these questions?

• What went well?

• What can be done differently next time?

• Is there anything I need to ask someone about, or learn more about?

I AM NOT MY ACTIONS

Don’t buy into shaming yourself. You are human which means you make mistakes. You don’t always know how to do anything. You don’t always get things right. The mistakes you make are not you they are just actions.

As a child once told her teacher – I am not messy I am making a mess. (Brené Brown).

There is a distinction.

One is wrong (I am messy) and one is right (I am making a mess).

Make sure your self talk switches to the statement that is right.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you learn to see yourself as the wonderful person you are, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Gratitude does make a positive difference – if it is done properly

Times that challenge us physically, emotionally, and spiritually may make it almost impossible for us to feel grateful. Yet, we can decide to live gratefully, courageously open to life in all its fullness. ~ Brother David Steindl-Rast

In life there are good times and there are bad times. Sometimes the bad times knock you around so much it is hard to consider being grateful for anything. But gratitude is a choice.

You can choose to be grateful. To step out in courage. Because it does require courage to choose to be grateful. Gratitude allows you to live your best, most plentiful life.

Although gratitude as a therapeutic concept has been around for many years, it has become very popular lately.

I think it is a great idea. There has been much research into the impact our thoughts have on our mental well being. Filling our thoughts with the positives in our life has been shown to improve our health, our resilience and our overall mood.

It is true that the thoughts we fill our minds with have an influence on how we cope with life.

WHEN GRATITUDE ISN’T HELPFUL

What concerns me is that there is a lack of understanding on how to practice gratitude in a helpful way.

Some people opt for the false happy statements. These ignore the understandably difficult things that happen in life and make gratitude statements that are not authentic.

The result is more pain as the ignored emotions are suppressed, only to emerge later in an amplified form.

Then there are the people who will write long statements about how miserable their life is and how badly treated they are. Then they will say they are grateful for something that has just been negated by their long sad statement.

HOW DO YOU PRACTICE GRATITUDE THEN?

Gratitude is finding the things in your life that you are grateful for amongst the stressful and sometimes horrible things that are happening to you.

You may be dealing with terrible grief but you are grateful for the wonderful friends you have who are willing to sit with you and care.

You may be struggling with the triggers of childhood trauma but you are grateful for the trigger today that you were able to manage.

TEN GRATITUDES

The way I learned to express gratitude was to write down every day 10 things I am grateful for.

After I have written each gratitude point I write why I am grateful for that thing.

Once I have written the list, I go back and say out loud every gratitude and say “Thank you thank you thank you” after each one.

THE RITUAL OF GRATITUDE

It helps to make a ritual out of this. If it is a ritual you pay more attention to it and take it more seriously.

Being grateful should be something you give thought to and enjoy doing.

As part of my ritual I write my list of ten gratitudes at the same time every day. Some people do it in the morning but I prefer to do it at night before I go to bed.

I also have a stone that is special to me that I hold in my hand, against my heart, as I say the gratitudes.

My stone is a piece of Ocean Jasper I bought in a crystal shop, but your stone may be one you found on the beach. It doesn’t have to cost money to have this stone.

The best stone is one small enough to hold in your hand. It should also be smooth with no rough edges to hurt you when you hold it.

WHAT AM I GRATEFUL FOR?

There are obvious big things to be grateful for.

• I may have had a good day with something lovely happening and I felt so special.

• I may have walked on the beach and am grateful for that because the sand, water and breeze lifted my energy and left me feeling relaxed.

• I may have had a visit with a good friend and it felt to wonderful to chat and be together.

• I am grateful for my partner/children because of the love I feel for them.

There are things that I may have noticed during the day.

• The sunset was beautiful, and my spirits soared at the sight.

• I saw some birds in a tree and they were such lovely colours and I felt so happy seeing them.

• The sun was shining, and it was so lovely to sit in its warmth and feel at one with the universe.

There are the things we don’t think of to be grateful for.

• I am grateful for my feet that hold me up and get me places because it feels so great to be able to get things done.

• I am grateful that I have eyes that see the beauty around me because I feel so enriched by that beauty.

• I am grateful that my heart pumps constantly and keeps me alive because I love being alive.

• I am grateful that my stomach and intestines digest my food because then I am nourished and feel well.

Some other ideas.

• Being grateful for the opportunity to laugh at xxxx today because ….

• A good thing that happened at work that made me feel xxx because ….

• That other car letting me in when I needed to change lanes which I was so relieved at because I was getting stressed at the heavy traffic and I realised people do care after all.

The lists are endless.

THE ADVANTAGE OF TEN GRATITUDES

It is easy to find one or two things to be grateful for. But when you need to find ten then you have to work harder and think outside the box.

This is when you start being thankful for the mundane things you take for granted.

It is when you start to realise how much about what your body does to keep you alive and functioning is something to be grateful for.

It is when you pay attention to the moments in your day looking for something to write down as a gratitude point.

When you do this, you start looking for the positives and focusing on them.

Yes there are negatives in every day, but there are also positives in every day.

Acknowledge the negatives, but don’t dwell on them. Attend to what you can change and let go of what you can’t.

Notice what is positive so that when the negatives feel overwhelming you have a long list of positives to reduce that feeling of overwhelm.

A CHALLENGE

Here is a challenge.

• Start your own list of ten gratitudes every day.

• Write them in a dedicated notebook if you can. It works much better if you have somewhere dedicated to write them.

• Visit them when you need reminding of the positives in your life.

• Do them every day.

• Remember the little things you take for granted and acknowledge them too.

• Don’t forget to say “Thank you Thank you Thank you” after you have spoken every gratitude.

A Grief Reflection

Given the public holiday on the day I usually write these blogs, I thought I would post today a beautiful passage of prose from the book “How to carry what can’t be fixed” by Megan Devine.

This is a wonderful book that I highly recommend to someone struggling with grief. The book contains wonderful information and sharing on the difficulties of grief and some beautiful and helpful reflections/worksheet you may find helpful to do.

For today, here is a beautiful passage from the book.

We come to ourselves in softening, in tenderness, to become available to pain and to love. To make our hearts available. Yield, don’t fight. All is not well, and here we are with that. So we show up as tenderly as we can. Show up with tenderness for what is, softening into it. Yield.

Grief does not show you that you’ve lost your way. Grief is the way. Softening your heart is a radical act. Wanting for yourself something beautiful and gently and kind. Holding out your hands to see what comes. Holding out your heart as a place for meeting what has already come.

What is here now is love: it’s not here to make it better, not here to make grief go away, hot here to give you a reason. It’s just here.

And love sits beside you now, even when you don’t feel it, even when it seems to have disappeared from sight. Maybe love is still here with you in whatever form it can take: a love that goes beneath everything. It makes no sense. I don’t think it tries to. But there is love beneath and around and within everything.

And maybe this love knew, maybe love was there preparing you as best it could for what was to come, for what is now. maybe you have been companioned all along, through this whole life, by love in all its forms, and at all times.

As you breathe into this space, you feel a gentleness come into you now, rising up to meet you, surrounding your heart, holding your hands. Infinite love. Infinite tenderness.

Love is with you here. A love that is heartbroken for you, as much as it is heartbroken with you. Beside you, exactly here. And you breathe in all the love that’s available. All the gentleness. Meeting pain with love, we open into love.

And we come back again and again, making that choice to be present, to feel it, to receive even this – even this. All is not well, and here you are with that.

What began in love continues here along this road, on this path here.

                              May you know love.

                            May you know kindness.

                        May you be free from suffering.

And may you have hope in the continual, continuing experiment: to believe in a love that doesn’t save you, but is still your shelter and still your home.

May what you’ve found in this book help you carry what is yours to live.

Understanding your emotions

There is a belief we in western societies hold about ourselves. We believe we are cognitive driven people.

We believe that any emotions we experience are stumbled upon and quickly shut down.

Emotions are things we push down so that we can get back to our thinking selves.

That is what we are taught. It is how we are expected to behave.

But this is incorrect.

THE REALITY OF EMOTIONS

The reality is that we are emotional beings who occasionally think.

Radical.

Maybe even scary.

Our behaviour and decisions are driven by our emotions.

This is not what we are taught as children.

WHAT CHILDREN ARE TAUGHT

Children are taught to listen to adults telling them what the right decision to make is. They are the ones who tell the child that they are being silly when they don’t want to go somewhere because they feel uncomfortable.

The child feels uncomfortable because their brain has observed a lot of non verbal signs and translated those into emotions to inform the child of danger. This is what we call intuition.

Then the adult is telling the child that is silly. They are telling the child to ignore their emotions. To ignore their intuition.

So we grow up believing our emotions are silly things we should run away from.

The truth is, our emotions are the driving force in our lives.

EMOTIONS THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR

Emotions are not the baddy we are told to ignore. They are the knight in shining armour come to save us.

I was reminded of this in conversation with someone the other day. I am going to call this person Rose.

Rose was raised by a mother who expected her children to earn love by doing what she told them. A child who is not loved is a child who is in danger of being rejected. In our childhood brains rejection is death, because a child cannot survive without an adult. So to prevent rejection Rose learned to fawn, otherwise known as people pleasing.

FAWNING A CHILDHOOD SURVIVAL BEHAVIOUR BUT IN ADULTHOOD A HINDRANCE

This was a problem in that in adulthood she fawned with everyone and had trouble setting healthy boundaries.

She ignored her emotions and instead listened to her formulaic learning around what she should do. In this case what she should do was allow other people to set the agenda.

PRUNING THE GARDEN PLANT

The situation Rose was in was that someone had asked her if they could prune a bush in her garden. She was so stunned by being asked this that she said yes. But deep inside she had misgivings about it. In the end she went to the other person and said no.

Rose’s behaviour was being driven by the need to earn her mother’s love.

This behaviour then became the automatic way she behaved.

SAY YES AND REGRET IT LATER

Rose kept saying yes to people and then regretting it later. It was hard for her to withdraw her permission. And people treated her as though she was weird. She wanted to stop.

In our discussion we identified that Rose would often be “okay” with something and only later when she had a chance to listen to her emotions she would realise she was not okay.

WHEN SHOULD I MAKE DECISIONS?

The truth is you don’t have to make a decision on the spot.

Quite radical isn’t it? How often are we taught that we must give an instant response?

What most of us need is time to think. And it is absolutely okay to do that.

If you are affected like Rose maybe you would like to try what she is now doing.

THE RIGHT WAY TO MAKE DECISIONS

When someone asks you something, tell them you can’t answer right away. You need time to think. You might want 5 minutes, an hour, a day, a week. If the other person can’t wait then the answer is no. Don’t be pushed into anything.

Take that time out to think.

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY

The first think you will be aware of is feelings in your body. This is where we experience our emotions. They are felt in our bodies. That is why we call them feelings.

Allow yourself to explore those feelings. If you don’t yet know what they mean, allow yourself time to learn.

Your feelings will give a strong indicator about what you feel about the question.

After you have identified and explored the feelings think about what the other person has asked. What does it involve? What are your feelings telling you about the request? What does your reasoning mind tell you about the request?

Once you have given yourself time to explore your feelings and think you are then in a position to give an answer.

IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO

Remember, it is okay to say NO. If the other person doesn’t like NO don’t give in to them. Be the broken record that keeps saying NO.

Don’t forget, you don’t have to explain yourself. No is no. You do not owe the other person an explanation.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with understanding and responding to your emotions, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

What is Attachment Theory?

You may have heard the term “attachment” mentioned and wondered what it meant. It started with research in the 1950s that involved putting a toddler in a “strange situation” where the mother left the room and observations were made about how the child reacted to this, to a stranger entering the room, and to the mother coming back. It was noticed that some children have a secure attachment and some do not. This basically means the securely attached child feels the caregiver is reliable and safe. The attachment depends on how the parent responds to the child. Attachment theory has developed since them to include how adults form “attachment bonds” with one another and their children and what impact the secure and insecure types of attachment have on the developing child and on the adult.

One thing that has been discovered is that insecurely attached children do not tend to do as well in school as more securely attachment children. They also struggle more in adulthood.

Attachment between a child and its primary care giver gives the child the template from which it learns to form new relationships. If the primary care giver is secure or reliable, the child learns that relationships are safe. If the primary care giver is insecure or unreliable, the child learns that relationships are not safe.

Attachment between a child and its primary care giver provides the opportunity for the child to co-regulate with the person who gives it its greatest sense of security. If the attachment is secure and the primary care giver is well tuned in to the child, then when it is distressed it is more likely to be effectively soothed by the caregiver. This is known as co-regulating. This allows the child to learn that other people are reliable sources of calming. When a child learns this, that child in later life will be more likely to seek out others for help when in need. This is a good protective skill against depression, which is often characterised by the person withdrawing from others rather than reaching out for help.

Soothing a distressed child also helps the child learn how to cope with the strong emotions it is experiencing. We are not born with the understanding of the emotions we are feeling. Emotions for a child are strong and can be frightening. A securely attached caregiver who is in tune with the child’s experience is able to help the child learn to understand those emotions. This soothing helps the child to learn how to soothe itself. This is known as learning to self-regulate.

You may have heard the term “Resilience” as well. The ability to self-regulate and co-regulate are vital aspects of resilience. Resilience is the ability to not be overwhelmed by circumstances in life. This includes knowing when to take time out to calm down, being able to regulate emotions and being able to find and use resources to deal with life circumstances.