Living Life – Page 7

9 Steps to Managing Conversations at the Dreaded Family Christmas

Families are never completely harmonious. They are comprised of people, bound together by genetic and marital ties, who often are not free to discuss conflicts as openly as is healthy. There are often undercurrents of tension and unresolved hurts in any family interactions.

Add a family Christmas, with all the stresses that “perfect” day brings. Add to the mix some freeing alcohol. Add to the mix the proximity with people who have caused those tensions and unresolved hurts.

Mix these ingredients and you have an explosive mix.

You can try to avoid difficult topics, but inevitably something will come up, particularly if you have the mix listed above.

Below are 8 steps you can use to survive the family Christmas. 8 steps to help you keep away from the difficult topics you may not be ready to discuss in a large family gathering.

PREPARE FOR THE DAY.

Are you expecting challenging topics of conversation? Plan in advance how to manage and deescalate these potential ignition points.
a) PLAN TO SET BOUNDARIES

You can set boundaries by letting family members know what areas are contentious and that you want avoided. You can practice how you will set this boundary in a positive, affirming way.

Maybe you might say something like: “I love seeing you and our time together is really great. There are just some things that we disagree on and maybe we can avoid discussing them today so that we can enjoy our time together.”

b) PREPARE AHEAD

Before you meet up, think about happy things you and this family member/s have in common. Are there happy childhood memories you can share, do you have the same interests? Brainstorm ideas of topics of conversation so you are ready to have a conversation. When you have no topic to discuss, conversations tend to follow well worn paths. If those well worn paths are the contentious ones, then that is what you are going to end up having a conversation about.

REDIRECT THE CONVERSATION.

Preparing ahead safe topics to discuss will allow you to quickly redirect the conversation to a safer topic that is related to the contentious topic. It is easier to pivot if the topic is related somehow, so if someone brings up a humiliating episode when you were a child and were swimming, you may bring in a conversation about wonderful beaches to visit and direct people to that topic. In that situation, the chances are that others in the conversation are not happy to bring up the humiliating episode either and will welcome the change to change the topic.

REHEARSE WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY.

When you are under stress, you will tend to do what is habitual. So well used responses to others will tend to be used. This will quickly derail your intention to steer away from the uncomfortable conversations. So practise what you will say. Have imaginary conversations where the other person says something they usually say, or makes a comment about a situation they usually comment on. Imagine redirecting the conversation away from that contentious comment and what you will say. While you are doing this, imagine being relaxed and able to deflect any triggers in their words. Imagine calmly setting a boundary, or redirecting the conversation, or making a statement.

While you are imagining this conversation, practice taking calming breaths and imagine you are releasing all the tension and it is flying away as you breathe out. As you breathe in, imagine you are breathing in peace and calm.

If you have a family member who makes highly politicised comments, or makes racist comments, or expresses strong extremist viewpoints, practice a statement that acknowledges their opinion but indicates it is not up for discussion. The well tried response to this is to “agree to disagree” and have no more conversation around that.

Sometimes these statements are deliberate attempts to bait you into responding. Don’t. Set the boundary and try to change the topic of conversation. If the person still persists, walk away. Take a walk around the block if you need to calm down. Just remain calm until you are somewhere where it is safe for you to be upset. More on that later.

BRING OUT THE OLD HAPPY MEMORIES.

This is another redirecting technique. Bringing out a positive family story involving a happy memory. The more family members involved in this memory the better. If you start off saying “Remember when xxx” you are inviting others to add their recollections of the memory. Not only is that fun to share in happy reminiscences, it also shuts down anyone negative due to the weight of people participating in a new conversation.

Remember, a family member who is difficult for you to get along with, may also be difficult for others to get along with. Other family members may welcome your efforts to redirect the conversation and be more than happy to jump in with enthusiasm. After all, everyone wants to have a lovely day.

FOCUS ON FUN FAMILY TRADITIONS.

There will no doubt be things your family enjoy doing together on family occasions. There are families that love to gather around the piano and sing Christmas carols. Others love to play games. Others have a post Christmas lunch walk.

If your family has traditions then make sure they are carried out. If they don’t have any, then introduce some new things you think family members will be interested in. Prepare the ground for this. Talk about this “fun” idea with family members you think will be useful allies in this so that when you introduce the idea it will be supported by other people. These traditions are a great way to distract from unpleasant conversations.

PRACTICE GRATITUDE.

In the lead up to Christmas, think of at least 10 things to be grateful for each day. Write them down and say them out loud, followed by three thank yous. Slowly introduce gratitudes for family members.

Don’t force the jolliness. Find things you are genuinely grateful for. They may range from extraordinary things to the seemingly mundane such as your health, your home, your job and so on.

Each day add gratitudes for family members. Start with the ones you love seeing. As you get close to Christmas think about the ones that cause you grief. Is there anything about them you like? Anything about them you admire? Try to find something to be grateful for about them. One might be that they are diligent about attending the family Christmas every year. Another might be they help with the washing up. Another might be they love their car. Find something to be grateful for.

Finding positives help you to feel more empowered and more in control of those difficult situations. It also helps to see the main protagonists as people with less power than you thought they had.

FIND ALLIES.

Think about who will be at the Christmas event and identify those you find supportive. They may be the type who will speak up and support you at the time of the difficulty, or they may be someone you can speak to later to help you calm down.

It is easier to manage in stressful situations when you know you have support.

PRACTICE CALMING TECHNIQUES.

One of the easiest ways to calm down is breathing. It is best to practice this technique in advance so that it is second nature when you need it. If you try this for the first time when you need it, it is unlikely to work effectively.

a) MINDFUL BREATHING

The best way to practice is to start small.

• Set a reminder on your phone for every hour if possible.

• Now prepare to breathe for 1 minute.

• Set a timer for 1 minute.

• Sit quietly with your hands resting in your lap.

• You may choose to let your focus slip or you may choose to close your eyes.

• Now breathe in while noticing the feeling of the air entering your nose and your chest and tummy rising with the in breath.

• Now breathe out while notice the feeling of your chest and tummy falling and the feeling of the air passing through your nose.

• With the next in breath, imagine you are inhaling calming air. Imagine it is a beautiful calming colour such as blue or green, whatever your find calming. See that coloured air entering your nose and lungs.

• Now breathe out all the tension and difficult emotions. Imagine the air you breathe out is the colour of tension and difficult emotions such as red, whatever you find expresses what you are feeling.

• Continue breathing in calm and breathing out tension. You can say to yourself I am breathing in calm on the in breath. And you can say I am breathing out tension/anger (name emotion) on the out breath.

• If you notice your mind wander away from noticing your breath just return your attention to your breath without judging yourself.

• Continue until 1 minute is up. Notice how you are feeling calmer and more in control of your emotions.

If you practice your 1 minute mediation as often as you can you may consider the next day practising for 5 minutes sometimes and 1 minute at others.

Practice as often as you can. When you need this calming at the Christmas event you will find it easier to slip into the practice if you have taken the time to practice in advance.

You can use mindful breathing sitting or moving around. Many people practice as they are walking. This is something you might try if you need to get some space away from the difficult people.

b) RELEASING WALK

The walk works like this:

• Don’t rush to push the emotions you feel away. Allow yourself to feel them, name them and walk them out. Stamp if you need to, walk fast if you need to. Swing your arms around. Whatever allows you to release what you are feeling.

• Once you have allowed yourself that time and you have acknowledged and released the emotions you can then walk at a calmer pace at your speed.

• Notice what is around you. What can you see, hear, smell, touch or taste?

• Take a deep in breath. Notice the sensation of that breath entering your body as you walk.

• Release that breath and notice the sensation of it leaving your body as you walk.

• Continue breathing and paying attention to your breath.

• Remember to breathe in calm and breathe out stress, anger and/or other distressing emotions you are experiencing.

• As you notice yourself feeling calmer, you can start paying attention to the beauty around you.

• Remember to just return your attention to your breath if your mind starts to wander.

• As you settle into this calming routine, allow yourself to feel your feet on the ground. Feel the ground supporting you are you walk.

• Allow yourself to feel the air around you. Feel the air wrapping you in its loving embrace.

• Continue walking, feeling the calm and feeling the support that surrounds you.

• When you are ready you can return to the gathering.

• You may decide to stay there, you may decide to communicate boundaries, you may decide to leave. Do whatever feels right for you.

MAKE OTHER ARRANGEMENTS

If you feel that it is too distressing to attend the family Christmas, make other arrangements.

Maybe you would like to attend a community lunch.

Maybe you know other people who are on their own at Christmas. Perhaps you can get together to celebrate.

Maybe you would like the day alone with some lovely food and a stack of movies/games/books you would love to watch.

You may even find other family members don’t like the event and would be happy to do something with you instead.

A FINAL WORD

You have prepared yourself for the family Christmas and it is still difficult. Be okay with that. Don’t forget your strategies. Set realistic expectations of how people will be and prepare for this.

Do take the time to take some calming breaths before responding to other people. It can help to name what you are feeling. This allows you to cope better. It also allows you space to decide to not react to this person. It is in this moment you may choose to walk away, or calmly say their comment is inappropriate, or not funny, or unacceptable or anything else.

People can get to you with their behaviour and comments because you have unresolved hurts. After Christmas, review the family Christmas. What came up for you? Is there something you need to resolve. Counselling can be really helpful to explore and resolve old hurts. You can also learn helpful strategies to cope.

WHERE TO GET HELP

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your unresolved hurts, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

PLEASE NOTE PLENTIFUL LIFE COUNSELLING WILL BE CLOSED FROM 5PM 21 DECEMBER 2022 AND WILL RE OPEN AT 9AM ON 9 JANUARY 2023.

How to set healthy boundaries at family Christmas get togethers

We all know the pressure to have the perfect Christmas. There is also the pressure to buy presents, to prepare food, to clean the house if you are hosting anyone for Christmas, or to travel away from home with all its associated stress if you are visiting for Christmas.

It is well accepted that Christmas can be a stressful time.

It is also accepted that getting together with family can be stressful as well.

Another stressful aspect of Christmas is the sheer volume of Christmas parties you may be invited to. You may receive more invitations than you feel comfortable accepting, yet you do accept them because you don’t want to let anyone down, or disappoint them.

All this stress can be overwhelming and make Christmas a less than enjoyable time for you.

Many people learn early in life to please other people. Maybe you are a people pleaser.

You may have learned to do this in your childhood home. It may have been a matter of survival. You may have learned to do this to make friends at school, or protect yourself from bullies. You may have learned to do it due to being in an abusive relationship. You may have learned to do it because you didn’t believe people would like you if you said no.

Whatever the reason, it can be a problem at Christmas.

It can be a problem when you feel you have to accept every invitation to attend a Christmas Party, even when you feel overwhelmed with busyness.

It can be a problem when you see family members at Christmas and you fear the expectations they have that you will go alone with anything they suggest.

Of course, you won’t only be a people pleaser at Christmas. It is just that it seems to be a time when you are called on more to people please and your stress levels are already high.

What do you do about it?

It is worthwhile considering how much of a problem this is.

To determine the extent of the problem it is helpful to understand the impact people pleasing can have on you.

• It can increase your stress

• It can lead to you feeling depressed

• You can feel resentful

• You can feel angry

• You can push yourself to the point of exhaustion which can impact your physical health

• It can lead to you now enjoying Christmas time at all

• It can cause you to neglect your self care

• It can harm your relationships

SO WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT IT?

We all say yes to things on occasion that we may not want to do. That is a choice we make in accommodating other people.

But if you say yes all the time, even when you don’t want to, then you do need to do something about it.

People pleasing, or fawning, is a stress response. It is part of the responses our brain activates when we are in danger.

The most well know of those responses are Fight and Flight. People pleasing, or fawning, is part of this group of defence mechanisms. When you fawn, you seek to accommodate the needs of others to the point where you don’t meet your own needs.

You may find you are not able to tell others how you really feel about something.

You may put the needs of others ahead of your own. A good example of that is saying yes to a Christmas party invitation when you are exhausted and really need to rest.

You may say yes to every request made of you.

You may seek to flatter others.

You may have low self esteem.

You will probably go to great lengths to avoid conflict

You may feel you are taken advantage of and that may really irritate you.

You may worry about fitting in with others and be frightened of having an argument with another person.

THE HIDDEN COSTS OF BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER

Because you always put your needs last, you are more vulnerable to emotional abuse and being exploited by others. You are also more vulnerable to abusive relationships.

At Christmas, being a people pleaser can lead to high levels of stress and you finding this time of year anything but relaxing.

SOME BANDAID MEASURES TO TRY

Feeling safe enough not to people please is a slow process. There are some things you can try in the interim. How effective they are will depend on how safe you feel, but you will only know when you try.

It is helpful to enlist the support of someone else who can be there and give you encouragement, give you some time out and be a listening ear when you need it.

THIS IS IMPORTANT TO KNOW

You need to know these important things:

• You deserve to be able to do what you want

• You deserve to be here and to take up space

• You are enough, just as you are

• Your thoughts, feelings, opinions and boundaries matter

• Most of the time when you say no you will survive.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN “MOST OF THE TIME”?

I would never recommend you stand up to a violent abuser or a coercive controller. That is dangerous. If you are in those situations it is best to contact 1800 RESPECT for assistance.

Apart from that it is okay to say no.

WHAT ARE THE BANDAID MEASURES?

The main measures to take are to be able to say “no”.

Your friend asks you to come to her party. You don’t want to go. You are worried about disappointing her by saying no.

STOP

You deserve to be able to do what you want.

You take a deep breath and say “no, I can’t come”. You may like to add a thankyou for your invitation.

It is important to remember that you don’t have to explain why you are saying no. Your no is no and that is good enough.

ANOTHER EXAMPLE

You arrive at your Aunt’s house for the extended family get together. She is a very organised and determined woman, used to give you orders and expecting you to jump to obey them.

You have drive 2 hours through heavy traffic to get there and you are tired, frazzled and need to destress for a while.

She jumps in with an order to prepare something in the kitchen. I might add at this point that everyone has brought food to contribute to the family feast so there is nothing to prepare in the kitchen.

You don’t want to. You need to sit for a while and see the rest of the family.

You have enlisted your partner to support you.

You say “no”. it is probably a good idea to add “when it is time to put the food out I can help you for a short while”.

She may be stunned you said no. She may try to shame you into helping. She may want to argue. If you can , walk away. If need be you may need to tell her that you need to destress after the drive and want to catch up with family members. You may ask if she has caught up with family members and suggest you can do that together.

Your partner can also support you by steering you away from your aunt, or, if necessary, stepping in to enforce the boundary.

HOW DO I LEARN TO SET BOUNDARIES

I have already mentioned that people pleasing is a survival response. It is learned because of traumatic situations.

When you have trauma in your past, you often find it hard to feel safe and manage your emotions, which are often very strong. You will frequently feel unsafe and that is something that you can heal from slowly with the correct treatment.

In Australia the Blue Knot Foundation has well respected trauma treatment guidelines that are effective in healing. It is wise to seek out a therapist who adheres to these guidelines.

WHERE CAN I FIND A THERAPIST?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your people pleasing, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

3 Important things to understand about being human

1 Your life is yours alone to live. No one else can live it and no one else totally understands what you are experiencing. They may have some understanding but never total.

2. You are not designed to live your life alone.

3. Loving others means you will encounter loss and grief in your lifetime.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

In your life you will experience grief. No one else will totally understand what you are experiencing, although some may make an effort to listen to you.

Others will tell you they “know exactly what you are feeling” (which they don’t).

Others will expect you to “be over it already”.

You may feel pressured by past experiences of grief to be over it. Maybe you have even told others the same thing. Now you are on the receiving end and learning fast the reality of grief.

THE REALITY OF GRIEF IS OFTEN PRETTY AWFUL

Experiencing grief brings with it many paradoxes. One is that you need the support of others, but you don’t want to mix with others.

The thought of having to explain yourself to others is overwhelming.

The thought of others not listening to you or trying to shut down your grief is daunting.

Add to that the fact that it is exhausting having to interact with others while dealing with such a difficult time.

BEING ALONE

You are very likely to want to be alone.

Being alone is okay. We all need alone time to reset and recharge. Alone time allows you to process things you are feeling. It allows you to be able to cope with the demands of interacting with other people.

There is alone time and there is social time. There is the support of others and there is time to process alone.

In the early days of your grief you may well want to be alone. That is okay. There are a number of overwhelming emotions to deal with. You need time to reflect. You also need time to grieve. To honour the emotions.

ANOTHER PARADOX.

Alone time is important.

But too much alone time is harmful.

Initially you may want to be alone, or you may want to be surrounded by people.

Sooner of later you will find yourself preferring alone time.

People will tell you that you shouldn’t be alone and will put pressure on you to go out more.

Only you can know what is right for you.

It is okay to go out and enjoy yourself without your loved one. It is also okay to stay at home and continue to process their loss.

My general rule of thumb is to make a decision to go out occasionally but also to make a decision to allow yourself to stay home occasionally as well.

IT IS ALWAYS HELPFUL TO HAVE SUPPORT WHEN YOU ARE GRIEVING

Having someone to bounce ideas off, to help you on those days when you can’t get it together, to give you hugs when you need them, to allow you to cry when you want to, is really helpful when you are grieving.

If you feel you are not grieving “properly” then it is helpful to seek a grief trained counsellor. I see a lot of people who make the appointment to see me because they believe they are not grieving properly. In most cases, they are grieving in a completely healthy way.

If you are concerned it is helpful to seek counselling.

If you feel you don’t have support and you really need it, it is helpful to seek counselling.

If you see me I can help you explore what is right for you and to feel more secure about what feels right for you at this stage in your life.

HOW TO CONTACT ME FOR HELP

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Jung and the Gold you Hide Inside

You may have heard of the term “shadow self”.

It refers to the parts of yourself that you don’t like and don’t show the world. The part you believe is bad.

Or that is what you have been taught to believe about your shadow self.

WHAT IS THE TRUE SHADOW SELF THEN?

When you are a small child, you learn how to live in the world of your family and wider society.

You are told what you should and shouldn’t do by your parents.

If your parents both work, you will be cared for by other people and you will be told what you should and shouldn’t do by those carers.

The web of people who influence your perception of self in your early years can be quite extensive … and destructive to self.

You will be praised when you do what others perceive as good and punished for what they perceive as being bad. But what you are doing is not necessarily good or bad. It is just what the person caring for you thinks is good or bad.

THE LITTLE GIRL AND THE HARRIED TEACHER

An example is a little girl I once saw who came to school bursting with excitement because she had learned to count to 20 over the weekend. This little 5 year old had just started school and was learning basic numbers. She was excited at that achievement. So she told her teacher.

The teacher was doing something else at the time, which the little girl did not have the developmental maturity to realise. To the little girl’s horror, the teacher reacted by slapping her leg and telling her to be quiet (I might add this occurred a few decades ago). What she had perceived as being something exciting to tell others about had become something shameful.

She never told anyone about her accomplishments again. She consigned that beautiful curiosity and zest for learning to her shadow as unacceptable and kept quiet about what she knew.

CHILDREN HIDE WHAT THEY BELIEVE IS UNACCEPTABLE.

Children will hide away what they believe is unacceptable.

But what they are doing is not necessarily bad, it is just not what the adult in their life wants.

It may be an inconvenient time, as with the teacher.

It may be the child is exhibiting strengths the adult is jealous of, so the adult shuts them down. Yes, it does happen … a lot.

It may be the adult was shamed about similar behaviour when a child and shuts the child down out of fear they will be shamed.

As an adult you may be able to recognise the motives of others, or put their behaviour down to them being wrong. But a child doesn’t have the knowledge of life to be able to do that. The child hides the parts because they believe they are unacceptable. Then they forget about them.

WHAT YOU HIDE TRIES TO UNHIDE

These hidden parts often reveal themselves later in life when you find yourself admiring things others do. You admire what you have in yourself that you have forgotten. Your admiration is longing for the part you hid. It is the call by your subconscious of that part to come out of hiding.

THE GOLDEN SIDE OF YOUR SHADOW

Other strengths develop due to early traumas. A lot of people don’t realise that they survived because of strengths they possessed or developed.

It is worth noting that hiding your strengths because you are told they are bad causes you to doubt yourself. This causes you to question everything you do. Often, uncovering your golden shadow and reclaiming those strengths you hid is an important empowering step to take.

It is important to be proud of your shadow side. It is said that your shadow is where your healing and pain meet the gifts you have to offer others. Pretty powerful stuff. Embrace it and be proud.

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU CONTINUE TO SUPPRESS YOUR GOLDEN SHADOW?

When you suppress your golden shadow, either deliberately or subconsciously, you will find your life full of problems, anxiety, depression, addictions, illnesses and perceived failures. You may not realise it, but your subconscious knows you are not living life true to yourself and it doesn’t like it.

4 WAYS TO DISCOVER YOUR GOLDEN SHADOW

Notice where you feel envious of the abilities and qualities other people possess. You envy most the things you see in others that you yourself possess but have repressed.
What do you admire and idolise most in others? You admire most in others what you yourself possess. There is great creative potential here for you to be guided by that understanding to uncover your own abilities. When you admire others you are admiring the disowned aspects of your own unique potential.
Insecurities and feelings of unworthiness are another guide to your abilities. Did you know that not knowing your power creates insecurity. The parts where you feel the most wounded or where you feel something is wrong with you are indicators of your greatest abilities. When you have hidden a strength because you felt it was wrong you feel insecure. Insecurity creates a sense of unworthiness and emptiness. If you know your strengths you will have the space of gratitude for your own talents and to live in that strength. Then you will be able to reduce your self-doubt.
Flip the script on your perceived faults. If you re-examine your beliefs about what is good and bad you may reveal strengths that have been disguising themselves as burdens. Look at your dark side and seek the treasures there instead of seeing that side as being negative and bad. Examples are to see introversion as a positive instead of a negative thing that holds you back. Another is to see what others tell you is laziness as the wonderful ability to relax. If you look at the opposites you will realise there is always more than one side to everything. Explore this and seek the positive.

HOW CAN I RELEASE MY GOLDEN SHADOW?

Your subconscious may hide your golden shadow, but it also tries to alert you to its presence. Work on healing the wounds of your past. Decide to choose strength over weakness, love over fear and inspiration over depression. Embrace your golden shadow. You will find a lot of your problems no longer exist.

Instead you will find you develop confidence, self-love, inner beauty, creativity and gratitude. All these contribute to you making positive choices in your life.

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE PEOPLE WHO WILL BE JEALOUS BUT KEEP GOING – YOU HAVE THE POWER

As you embark on your own healing journey, be aware that there are always people in life who will feel threatened by your aliveness and try to damp it down or destroy it. It happened when you were a small child and it can happen now in adulthood. Just be aware of this and don’t fall for the destructive attempts of others. Hold your power and stand firm in it.

You may find being your true self is unfamiliar and frightening. After all, you have lived a different way so far in life. You learned early that fitting in was the safest thing to do. But fitting in is what brought you safety as a child when you needed to be looked after. You are an adult now. You can look after yourself.

Step out in your own true self and your own power. This may make your vulnerable to the reactions of others who feel threatened by your abilities. Do not expect approval for your glorious traits from such people. Look instead to other golden people who will appreciate your golden gifts. In other words, find your tribe.

BE YOUR OWN CHEER SQUAD

Choose to recognise, reclaim and express your great gifts and be delighted in yourself. Hang in there. There are people out there who will appreciate what you have to give.

Enlist the creativity and support of your own imagination. It is a great healer, so make the most of yours.

No matter what you have been told in life, you do have an imagination. Use it.

ALLOW YOUR IMAGINATION TO RESTRUCTURE PAST HURTFUL EVENTS

In your imagination go back to those past incidents when things did not go well and you suppressed those positive traits and were made to feel weak, small, unworthy and afraid. Imagine you making a different choice and run with it.

The magical thing about your mind is that the subconscious mind will not know if your imagining is reality or imagination.

Live those past traumatic events in the new power you are imagining you have. Say your piece, fight back, even call in allies (real or spiritual) to assist you.

Imaging bringing that spiritual strength you possess into those past traumatic times. Write them down, draw them, paint them, create them if that helps.

Believe you have redeemed those moments, because in your imagination you have. Allow the power you display in your imagination to shine and let your body be run by that power. Now let your golden shadow shine bright.

THE PATH IS ROCKY BUT WORTH IT

Note that entering your shadow side can be difficult. You first need to go down into those dark things you think you should hide. But exploring those and choosing to see them from a different perspective will reveal your golden shadow. Once you unleash that, you will discover so much more that you hid. This is an ongoing process, not a once only thing. Keep searching. Discover your true golden strengths.

NEED HELP? I CAN HELP YOU

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with discovering your Golden Side and healing, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How to experience sorrow alongside happiness in grief

Do you feel guilty because you are not thinking of your loved one enough?

Do you worry that you mustn’t have loved them enough because there are moments when you don’t think of them and actually feel momentarily happy?

Do you think you should have done more to keep them alive?

MY QUESTIONS TO YOU

If you think it is ridiculous to feel that way that is fantastic.

But if you find yourself feeling that way I acknowledge how hard that is.

And I am asking you some questions.

I am not asking as throw away lines to suggest you should have a different belief. I am asking them because I am genuinely curious to know your thoughts.

Is it okay to never be happy again?

Is it okay to only ever think of your loved one?

Is it okay to live while they have died?

SO MANY PEOPLE FEEL THIS WAY

It is not uncommon to feel this way when your loved one dies.

It feels profane to be enjoying life when someone you loved so much is not able to be alive at all.

At first, your thoughts may frequently turn to the pain of your loved one’s absence in your life.

Any thoughts of happiness are unlikely to invade that pain. But what if they do?

Are you okay laughing at something you probably laughed at before your loved one died? Something you may have laughed at together?

IS PAIN AND HAPPINESS AT THE SAME TIME POSSIBLE?

Can you feel the pain at the same time as you feel happiness?

Researchers have found that people can and do find a way to feel happy again. That they can actually think about other things and just think of their loved one occasionally. That they can be okay living.

But researchers have also found that the happiness exists alongside the sorrow of the person’s loss. The bitter sweet and sometimes downright devastating feelings can exist alongside happiness and joy.

ARE YOU SICK OF BEING SAD AND CRYING?

Many people come to see me because they are sick of feeling sad and crying. They loved their loved one and still miss them terribly, even years later. But they are just sick of the darkness of their grief and they long for the sun.

Maybe you feel that way too?

Maybe you just want to be happy again.

REALITY

I will tell you what I tell others. Yes, it is possible to be happy again and yes you will not always cry this much. But you will always feel sad over the loss of your loved one and you will still cry on occasion.

Sorrow will always be with you. Sorrow at the absence of someone you loved so much from your life. Sorrow at the future they (and you) lost. Sorrow at all the things you will experience without them. Sorrow at the things you planned to do together that you will never do again. Sorrow at the people you no longer have contact with because your loved one was the link to them. Sorrow at so many losses associated with your loved one’s absence.

THE PAIN WILL NEVER COMPLETELY HEAL

Yes, the pain will abate over time, but it will never completely go. It is like that limp you have from a broken ankle that never completely healed. There will always be that reminder of what you had and lost.

And if you loved that person so much, do you really want the pain to completely go away? Do you really want to forget them?

IS LIFE WITH THAT PAIN POSSIBLE?

Can you live if the pain is always there?

People tell me they can live with that pain.

It is not pleasant, but they have found ways to feel it in a safer way.

They have learned to feel the bitter sweet memories of their loved one. And they have learned that sometimes it is okay to be sad, or cry.

They have also learned that it is possible to carry the pain while living and being happy.

Knowing they can do that has actually helped. It has helped to find a way to commemorate their loved one, but still live.

THE EXPANDING OF LIFE INTO A DEEPER RICHNESS

They have found that life has greater depth now. That life is richer and fuller for the added dimension of sorrow that, rather than make everything sad and depressing, actually enhances the happy moments, makes them more special and have deeper meaning. That they take the happy moments more attentively and with more gratitude because they have suffered the pain of loss and appreciate the happy moments that come.

But all this takes time, and determination.

CAN I HELP YOU?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Mental Illness v Mental Injury

I was challenged by an online video by Luke Chao.

In it he discussed the terms mental illness and mental injury.

He spoke about the way we perceive accidents involving physical injury compared to accidents that involve mental impacts.

A PHYSICAL INJURY

He gave a scenario where you are walking down the street and someone runs up to you and slashes your arm. You are hurt and bleeding but you are not sick. Apart from the injury to your arm you are otherwise healthy. No one blames you for being slashed. After all, that is victim blaming, something we are increasingly aware of and seek to avoid doing.

COMPARE THIS TO A MENTAL INJURY

But someone who is suffering from a mental injury is not given the same respect. If you developed PTSD as a result of this random attack you would be described as being mentally ill. This implies that there is something wrong with you, rather than there being something wrong with the people around you or your environment. In the case of the slashed arm, something is wrong with the person who randomly decided to slash your arm.

Suddenly you are being victim blamed. But isn’t that something we try to avoid doing these days?

PHYSICAL INJURIES BUT MENTAL ILLNESS

If you have arthritis in your knee but are otherwise healthy, you just have arthritis in your knee.

If you have anxiety about social situations but are otherwise healthy, you are mentally ill.

Using the term mentally ill suggests there is something wrong with you as a person. The connotation drawn from that term is that you have something wrong with you and you are ill.

Why is there such a difference between physical ailments and psychological ailments?

WHAT COUNSELLOR’S STUDY IN THEIR BACHELOR DEGREES

Luke’s comments reminded me of the rationale behind the subjects I studied in my counselling degree. We not only studied counselling, but also psychology (to better understand behaviour) and sociology (to better understand the environment). We were always taught that we needed to understand the context of a person’s environment and the impact of the people around them to understand what was happening to them.

A HORRIBLE WAY FOR YOU TO BE TREATED

If you walk into my practice room and I just see you as mentally ill, then that implies I just see you as being wrong, at fault.

If I see you as being the cause of your suffering then I don’t look further than you. I pathologise your suffering. I look for dysfunction in you and set out to correct it.

THE WAY I TREAT YOU

But that is not what I do.

Instead, I see your suffering as the result of an injury that has resulted in a completely normal reaction to abnormal circumstances. Sometimes there is more than one injury. Sometimes the injury keeps happening again and again, or has in the past happened again and again.

I look at your environment, including the people in that environment. I look to see how that impacts on you and your suffering.

I believe every person who walks through my door is someone who has been injured as a result of abnormal circumstances. I see you as being a healthy individual who is coping as best you can with a wound.

Interestingly the Greek word for wound is trauma.

Makes sense doesn’t it.

NEED HELP WITH YOUR MENTAL INJURY?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your mental injury, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

R U OK?

Today is RUOK day.

RUOK day is not only about reminding you that you have the power to help others, but also a reminder to seek help is you are not OK.

Helping others is not just the preserve of those of us who specialise in mental health. We all can help others.

Today I am going to talk about how to ask others if they are OK.

Then I am going to talk about how you can get help if you are not OK.

Most people will not ask for help. Such help seeking is pretty taboo in our society. Have you ever been taught even the basics of a foreign language? If you have you will no doubt have started with how to greet another person. Hello. I am xxx. How are you? And you will not doubt have been taught the response: I am well thankyou.

This is the hidden message of our culture. Don’t tell others how you are feeling!

I am sure you have met people who will avoid any discussions that are hard. These are the people who will avoid responding to your tentative words reaching out for help. Or who will respond with comments designed to stop the conversation.

If you are in that position, don’t give up. Later in this blog I will talk about what you can do to be heard.

WHAT SHOULD I BE LOOKING FOR IN THOSE AROUND ME TO INDICATE I NEED TO ASK RUOK?

Because of the taboos in our society on reaching out to others, it is unlikely a person who needs help will tell you – unless you ask.

The following are times in a person’s life when they might need a little bit of extra help:

• When a relationship has ended or there are difficulties in that relationship.

• When the person is going through stressful times, or there has been an increase in the stress in their life.

• When there are financial difficulties.

• When there are major changes in the person’s life either at home or work.

• When someone/thing they care about has been lost.

• When there is a major health issue.

• Any time you notice someone is struggling.

SIGNS A PERSON IS STRUGGLING

• Things they are saying, especially if they are different:

 o    They may not be making any sense when they talk, as though they are confused.

 o    They may tell you they can’t cope or feel things are out of control.

 o    They may criticise others or themselves.

 o    You may get the impression they are feeling trapped or in emotional pain.

 o    They may tell you they feel lonely or are a burden to others.

• Things they are doing that may be different:

 o    They may seem to lack energy or be unmotivated

 o    They may be unable to switch off

 o    There may be changes in how much and when they sleep, exercise or eat.

 o    They may appear uninterested in their appearance. This may extend to their home.

 o    They may no longer be interested in the things they used to enjoy doing.

WHAT DO I DO IF I THINK SOMEONE IS STRUGGLING

If you think someone is struggling then this is the time to consider asking them if they are okay.

Before you do this it is a good idea to consider how or if you might have that conversation with this person.

If you ask the wrong way, and are not prepared for a helpful conversation, you may not help the person. If you feel you are not able to ask, maybe finding another person to ask may be helpful. This is not saying you are not going to be any good at it, but maybe the situation the other person is in , or the relationship you have with them may impact any conversation you may have.

The other person needs to feel they can trust you, or they will not open up to you. So it is wise to consider whether you have been trustworthy in your relationship with that person.

If you feel the other person can’t trust you, you may still be able to reach out to them. In this situation it is best to acknowledge the past. Maybe you could try saying something like:

“I know I haven’t been very trustworthy in the past, but I am concerned about you and I care that you may not be feeling okay.”

If your previous conversations with this person have not involved you listening very well, you can maybe try saying:

“I know I haven’t listened to you very well I the past, but I am concerned that you may not be okay and I want to listen and hear you and support you.”

HOW TO PREPARE TO ASK RUOK

First step is to be ready:

• Ask yourself if you are in the right headspace to listen.

• Ask yourself if you are willing to really listen to the other person.

• Make sure you have the time to have this conversation. It is no good asking someone if they are okay and then rushing off because you have to be somewhere else.

Second step is to be prepared:

• Acknowledge that you are not there to “fix” the other person. You are there to listen. It is okay if you don’t have any answers to their difficulties.

• Don’t rush the other person or fire off questions at them. Be prepared to sit quietly and non judgementally with the other person and allow them the space to process their thoughts and express what they want. When you are trying to survive you spend a lot of time pushing down emotions so you can get through the day. It may take time for the other person to feel able to speak about something that they are feeling very emotional about. It is helpful to bear in mind that it is often embarrassing to discuss problems.

Last step is to choose your moment carefully:

• Find somewhere private and comfortable. A busy place with little privacy is not going to be very conducive to expressing vulnerable thoughts.

• Is this a good time for them to talk? If they are busy and stressed, they are not likely to be willing to take the time out to express how they are feeling.

• You may need to choose another time if they are too busy to talk.

• Consider the way you talk. It is often less threatening when you are sitting side by side doing nothing that requires concentration, or when walking. Being side by side is less confronting than being face to face.

The last point on being side by side highlights the value of being with the other person and doing something together. This is a great time for a conversation where the other person is likely to feel comfortable and able to talk.

IMPORTANT TO CONSIDER

You may be ready to reach out to the other person. But they may not be ready to talk.

Don’t give up. The fact you reached out and expressed your concern will not be lost on the other person. It may be that when they are ready to talk they wil reach out to you.

It is better to have asked than not to have asked. If you ask and they say no, at least you asked. If you don’t ask you will never know if you gave up a wonderful opportunity to reach out to someone in need.

NOW TO ASK – R U OK?

Have a casual conservation.

Start by saying something about what has prompted you to ask.

Examples include:

• You have been quiet lately, how are things going for you?

• I haven’t seen you much lately, is everything going okay for you?

• You’ve seemed really stressed lately, do you want to chat about something?

Now listen and don’t jump in with your own stories.

THEY DON’T WANT TO TALK TO ME – WHAT DO I DO?

Just because you reach out to another person does not guarantee they will talk to you.

It may be the wrong time for them to talk. You could try asking them if it would be okay to check in with them again.

They may feel no one cares and may need to process you request before they are willing to accept you invitation to chat.

Maybe they would feel more comfortable talking to someone else.

You reaching out may lead to them reflecting on their need to talk and they may be willing to talk to or someone else at another time.

THEY DO WANT TO TALK TO ME – WHAT DO I DO?

They welcome your question and tell you about their problem.

So what do you do?

• Remember we talked about you being there to listen, not solve problems.

• Listen.

• Don’t rush to judgement. Have an open mind.

• Give them space to talk. If they pause, don’t rush to fill the silence. Silence is great. Allow the silences and trust the person will talk when ready.

• Ask questions that are open ended, that is that don’t require yes or no answers.

• Ask them to explain the things they say. Don’t assume you understand what they are saying or the impact it has on them. Do this by asking questions that allow space for them to answer in many words. No questions that just require a yes/no. They shut down the conversation.

• Every so often repeat back what you have heard them say and ask if you understood it properly. This give them a chance to correct any misunderstandings and sends the message that you are listening.

I HAVE LISTENED AND THEY HAVE TOLD ME ABOUT THEIR PROBLEM – NOW WHAT DO I DO?

It is at this point you can encourage them to explore what they might be able to do to help themselves.

This may involve someone they can seek help from. It may instead involve spending time together brainstorming ideas on what they may be able to do to change their situation.

Maybe they might see their doctor, talk to a family member, talk to a close friend they trust, see a counsellor.

They may have encountered difficulties in the past and been able to solve them. What did they do back then? Is this something that may work now?

You can also ask them if there is anything they need from you.

CONVERSATION OVER – NOW WHAT?

Once the conversation is over there is still one thing you need to do.

That is to check in with the person at another time.

Let them know you haven’t forgotten them and are still willing to support them.

This allows you to communicate to them that someone cares.

It allows them to feel less isolated.

It may be the encouragement they need to do something about their situation.

It can support them until they are ready to reach out for professional help.

I THINK THEY ARE AT RISK OF SUICIDE – WHAT DO I DO?

If you are concerned the other person is suicidal don’t be afraid to ask.

It can be as simple as “are you thinking about killing yourself?”

Asking will not plant the idea in the other person’s mind. If they are suicidal they already have that idea. If they are not suicidal your asking will not suddenly make them suicidal.

If they answer YES this is what is important for you to do.

Do not leave them alone. Keeping them safe is important.
Get professional help.

While you stay with them:

Keep listening to them.

Find out if there is someone they trust who can help them.

Not all people who are suicidal will actually kill themselves. You can ask if they have a plan and the equipment needed to carry it out.

Unless you feel they are in immediate danger (in which case you will dial 000) try the following:

• Call a crisis support line together.

LIFELINE: 13 11 14

SUICIDE CALL BACK SERVICE 1300 659 467

who provide immediate support and advice

• Visit an emergency department together.

• Take them to a place they feel safe where they will not be alone.

HOW DO I GET HELP IF I AM NOT OK?

Reach out to someone you feel comfortable talking to.

If someone reaches out to you, be willing to accept that offer of help.

If you urgently need to talk to someone, or you are feeling suicidal, LIFELINE 13 11 14 is a good starting point.

You can also ring the SUICIDE CALL BACK SERVICE 1300 659 467

For longer term help counselling can be very helpful.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you when you are not okay, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

RUOK.ORG.AU IS A GREAT SOURCE OF ADVICE ON HOW TO ASK RUOK

Finding the Real Wonderful You

• Are you finding yourself bored with your life?

• Maybe you feel depressed at how little you feel you achieve?

• Or do you think that compared to other people you life is so unimpressive?

• What can you do to fall in love with your life again?

• What can you do to feel motivated to change?

DO YOU REALLY KNOW YOURSELF?

The first thing is to ask yourself if you really know yourself. This may sound weird but let me explain.

You are a unique individual. At your core, the bit others often don’t see, is a vibrant, curious person. This person is magical and able to express themself in honesty and love. In fact this person is totally lovable.

Sometimes this authentic self is called the Wonder Child. The pure little being born into this world to thrive, survive and achieve as themself.

Life however rarely allows the Wonder Child to be themself. The Wonder Child is bruised and battered by people and events in life.

To protect themself, the Wonder Child hides the parts that they feel are unacceptable to others. This self protection keeps them away from true connection with others through their Authentic Self.

THE WOUNDED CHILD

As the Authentic Self is buried under these layers of protection, what emerges is the Wounded Child.

The Wounded Child knows they must put on a false self to protect themself from hurt and rejection. This becomes a Mask and it is designed to protect from hurt and rejection.

The trouble is that the Mask hides the true Authentic Self. Often you don’t even see the Mask as not being you and you miss out on knowing your Authentic Self.

So you live your life with the Mask that your Wounded Child hides behind as it protects your Authentic Self.

Small wonder you feel bored, depressed and that your lie is completely unimpressive.

WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT YOUR INAUTHENTIC LIFE?

How can you access your Authentic Self in order to change your life?

Sitting and thinking about it does little to help you. That Mask is very good at covering up those bits that are considered less socially acceptable.

There is a need for much deeper exploration of the unconscious in order to find that Authentic Self again.

HERE IS SOMETHING LEFT FIELD TO TRY

One of the things I encourage people to do is use art to express themselves.

What do I mean by art?

Anything that is spontaneous, creative and allows you to express your authentic self.

This can include:

• Journaling in a dedicated journal

• Drawing in an art journal

• Painting

• Collage

HOW DO I USE CREATIVITY TO FIND THE REAL ME?

The best way to find your authentic self and start the process of change is to spend a few minutes every day doing something spontaneous and creative.

I have already mentioned 4 things you can try but what you do depends on you.

The important thing is to let go and let the real you out to create.

JOURNAL WITH YOUR NON DOMINANT HAND

If you choose to write in a journal, write with your non dominant hand. This will allow you to access more of your mind that writing with your dominant hand.

DRAW OR PAINT

Drawing or painting can be great. Many people particularly love the flow of paint. My personal preference is for watercolour, but sometimes I draw with pencil, crayon or felt tip pens.

A lot of people are frightened of drawing/painting because they feel they can’t draw well. I draw stick figures, unashamedly. This is not about producing a masterpiece; it is about expressing yourself. Squiggles of paint, funny shapes, dots, lines. All these are great ways to express yourself. You need to paint what is inside, for your eyes only.

COLLAGE

If you feel really challenged by drawing or painting then you can try collage. Many people find that really helpful. You just need some magazines/advertising flyers, stickers, scraps of paper. Anything you can find that you can glue to a piece of paper is great.

A 30 DAY CREATIVITY CHALLENGE

One way to challenge yourself is to do this for 30 days. It need only take a few minutes.

• To do this effectively start by bringing yourself to a place of stillness.

• Sit quietly, you can close your eyes or let your eyes not focus on anything.

• As you sit quietly tell yourself you are going to let go of everything in your life at the moment. You could say “Just for this moment I let go of everything”

• Breathe in and out gently. Focus on your breath. After a few breaths take a deep breath into your belly and then gently let it out. Now breathe a few more deep breaths. Continue to focus on your breath. If anything comes into your mind just gently put it to one side. Don’t engage with the thought. Once you have taken a few breaths and you are feeling you have stilled your mind you can move on to the next step.

• While you are still quite and reflective, ask yourself “What do I need to paint/write/draw/collage right now?”

• You could put your hands on the paper and ask the question. You can tell yourself that you are going to express what needs to be expressed.

• Now start. Just put on that paper what feels you feel like. Don’t have a plan. If you feel you want to paint a corner red then paint it red. If you feel you want to draw a smiley face, then draw a smiley face. If you see a picture of a bottle of perfume and you want it on your page, then put it on your page. If you want to write random words in your journal then do that.

• Whatever you put on the paper is the right thing.

• Keep going until you feel you are finished.

• Look at what you have done.

• Does anything about it strike you in some way? It doesn’t have to.

• It is always helpful to put the paper away and look at it later.

• Things you put on the paper that may immediately or over time give you insights.

• You may notice you keep drawing a particular shape, or use certain words. You may find your collages follow a particular theme. You may favour certain colours.

• You may find you look at what you have done and a thought will pop into your head about it. You may find yourself seeing a meaning in the picture.

• Over time you may find more insights in your expression than you realised when you were doing it.

• There is no right and wrong in this.

If you would like to join my Plentiful Life Exploration Facebook group you are welcome to join in a 30 day challenge of expressing yourself daily.

The link for the group is Plentiful Life Exploration | Facebook

I will be kicking the 30 day challenge off next Tuesday 16 August at 4am with a live feed on my Facebook page. You are welcome to join me for that or you can watch it later.

You can post your work on the page and share any insights you have or ask people about any insights they may have in it.

NEED MORE HELP?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you find and heal the authentic you, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

And don’t forget to join my Facebook group https://www.facebook.com/groups/761908951834983

The “problem” of crying in public

One of the problems of living in our modern society is the pressure to conform to a “don’t rock the boat” pattern of behaviour.

This includes

• not crying in public, unless everyone else is

• not getting angry about something, unless everyone else is

• needing something that other people aren’t prepared to give

• needing time alone when other people expect you to be sociable

• needing to be sad when others are having a happy time and expect you to do so as well

• not inconveniencing anyone else with your needs.

DON’T ROCK THE BOAT

This is a particular problem when you have suffered an event that modern society has so removed from view that reacting to that event is considered a “don’t rock the boat” pattern of behaviour.

I am referring here to Grief.

One of the biggest issues people who come to see me report is the fear of crying in public.

Is this something that you experience?

A FIRST QUESTION

My first question is:

• What is it like for you to have the experience of crying in public?

• Is this something embarrassing?

• Do you feel there is a taboo on crying in public?

• Is it something you notice other people feel uncomfortable about, so you try not to do it?

• Do you feel judged, as though you are somehow not mentally stable, because you are crying in public?

• Do you feel other people shut you down when you cry? Are you told to stop? Are you offered platitudes such as “They are in a better place” “Heaven wanted another angel” or demands to stop such as “You’ve got to pull yourself together”?

• Is this your experience, or is your experience something else?

THE NEXT QUESTION

My next question would likely be:

• What if it was okay to cry in public? What if it didn’t matter what other people thought and you just did it anyway?

Our society is very good at putting a taboo on overt emotions. No emotions other than happiness are well tolerated. The difficult emotions are definitely not okay by our society’s standards.

It is one reason we rush to remove those uncomfortable emotions and the events behind them from public view.

HIDING DEATH FROM PUBLIC VIEW

Very few people get to die in their own homes. They are usually in hospital or, if they are lucky, they are in a palliative care unit. As long as they are not out there, visible, in the community everyone is happy.

CHANGING SOCIETY

Change in society occurs gradually and usually because some trailblazers take the courageous step of behaving differently in public.

Of course when you are grieving and your world is in pieces it is difficult, often impossible, to take the conscious step to challenge society’s taboo on displaying uncomfortable emotions.

So change in this area is very slow. It often involves those supporting the grieving person being the ones who challenge the taboo.

EXPECT TO CRY FOR A VERY LONG TIME

Another issue with this public display of emotion is that grief is not over in a matter of hours or days. It stretches on for months and years. In fact, grief never ends. It gets easier and the tears are less frequent, but there is still the possibility of them for the rest of your life.

My question here is, Are you okay with the possibility of public tears a few years from now? Are you okay with the fact that each day carries the possibility of being sad?

DO YOU WANT TO STOP CRYING OR THE REASON BEHIND THE CRYING?

So many people who come to see me just want to stop crying and being sad. But is it the crying you want to stop? Or is it the reason for the crying? When you try to imagine life without the one you love, do you ever want to be okay with that? Or do you want to always love them yet live as well. This of course carries the risk of crying in public. Can you live with that?

DO YOU NEED TO TALK AND BE HEARD?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief and learning to live with the tears, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

6 Steps to Solving a Problem

So often when challenges occur in life you can get caught up in the situation and lose the objectivity you need to find a solution.

Past experiences and hurts can cloud how you perceive the challenge.

Self beliefs that are disempowering can also impede your ability to solve the challenge.

Once you reach that stage of believing it is too hard to solve then the challenge becomes a problem.

Here are some things you can try to help you see more clearly and find a solution. Write down the answers to your questions as the process of writing and seeing what you have written is a wonderful way to get a bit of distance between you and the problem:

What have I tried already to solve the problem?

You have usually already tried to solve a challenge a few different ways before you perceive it as a problem. What are those ways? Write down you answer with just facts and no emotional interpretations of what you have done.

Getting caught up in the emotions makes it hard to be objective. When subjectivity fails to solve a problem you need objectivity to see solutions.

How will I know when the problem is no longer a problem?

There are always challenges in life that can become problems when you can’t solve them. What often happens is you find a solution and the problem is no longer a problem. The question to answer here is what would be happening for you so you no longer see this problem as a problem?

Finding that answer will help you break the problem down into parts that are more easily resolved. You will likely find that some parts of the problem don’t need to be solved.

So the question here is which parts need solving in order for the problem to no longer be a problem?

When is this challenge not a problem?

Things can happen that are challenging but you are able to manage the challenge without it becoming a problem. The addition of one or two factors may make this challenge a problem. That can give you the clue as to what you need to focus on to resolve the problem.

The question here is what is present in this challenge that makes it into a problem?

What is present when the problem occurs?

This is similar to the previous question. Just as factors in a challenge may make it feel like a problem, situations at the time of a challenge can make it feel like a problem.

In answering this question you may realise that there are certain situations that feel overwhelming or disempowering. If a challenge occurs in those situations they you struggle to solve the challenge and it becomes a problem.

This questions allows you to separate the other factors that are present from the actual problem.

What is the difference between when the problem exists and when it doesn’t?

The problem is causing some form of distress for you. What is that? What is happening for you when this problem is present that isn’t happening when the problem is not there? Pay attention to that. It will help you to understand how this problem is a problem and give you some ideas as to how you can solve it.

How can I redefine the problem so that it is more solvable?

There is that saying that “one man’s meat is another man’s poison”. One of the applications of that saying is that what one person perceives as a problem another person does not perceive as a problem.

Sometimes a problem is this way because that is how you perceive it. If you look at the problem from a different perspective it does not seem such a problem. This is what redefining means.

One example is your car getting a flat battery. While you are waiting for help jump starting the car you can:

. worry about the things you need to do that are now being delayed, or

. you can choose to accept that you day is going to be different and notice the glorious skies, or

. you may catch up on some phone calls you needed to make, or

. you may spend time planning your next holiday.

The list is endless. You can choose to see the disruption as an opportunity to catch up on other things, or just chill, or you can choose to see the disruption as something bad.

If you find you frequently have problems in your life that you can’t resolve it can be helpful to talk to someone else about it.

It can be difficult just putting these steps in place. It takes time to learn these skills and sometimes you may need help learning the skills.

Sometimes it is best to talk to a professional about this.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning how to solve problems, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au