Grief happens to everyone at some stage in their life.
It would be extremely rare if you didn’t lose someone or something close to you during your lifetime.
Despite this, there is a lot of ignorance about grief.
How do you support someone who is grieving?
How long does grief last?
Grief lasts a few weeks right?
Wrong.
Starting from the Beginning
A friend has recently been bereaved. So what do you do?
Many people will make it their mission in life to support their friend to “get better”. They know what you need to get better.
What People Believe Their Grieving Friend Needs
Myth #1 – They need to get out more
Sometimes when a person is grieving they want to go out, they may not want to be at home. Or they may want to stay at home and hide from the world while they lick their wounds.
Whatever they want to do, being told to go out, cajoled about not getting out, or dragged out against their will is not helpful.
Myth #2 – They just need to get better organised
When you are grieving your world often falls apart. You can’t concentrate. You may not want to do things. You will have days when you are totally organised. And you will have days when life is hard and you can’t do anything.
The last thing the grieving person wants is to have a friend march in and take over their home, or their kitchen, or any other part of their life.
Myth #3 – They just need to see the silver lining in all this
The silver linings are reported by people as being the most hurtful responses.
After your young partner dies: “You are young, you can find someone else.”
After your baby dies: “You can have another child.”
After someone you love dies: “They’re in a better place”
Myth #4 – Grief is all about sorrow
Sorrow is a large part of grief, but it is only part, not all of the grief experience. Guilt, anger, irritability, loss of appetite, poor sleep and some common experiences. There are a lot more and they are all totally normal.
Myth #5 – Grief is over within a few weeks, a year at the utmost
Grief never ends. The acute phase will slowly transition to a less acute experience, but grief will never end.
Myth #6 – Don’t talk about it
This is a very hurtful belief.
It is believed that you should stop talking about the loss. If you bring it up you cause pain.
The reality is the person is in pain anyway. Bringing up their loved one is helpful. They want to talk about them. They want to remember they lived. They want others to acknowledge they lived. If they don’t want to talk they will let you know, because they don’t always want to talk. But you will do less harm talking about their loved one when they aren’t ready to talk than not talking about them at all.
What People Grieving Actually Need
When they are ready they want to talk.
They want to be heard.
They want to know you are listening and trying to understand their grief better.
All this means you the griever feels supported.
If people follow the myths then you feel unsupported.
Sub heading The Mental Health Cost of Not Being Supported when Grieving
If you don’t get the support of family and friends then you will look elsewhere.
This is where grief counsellors are helpful.
Unprocessed and unsupported grief can lead to mental illness.
What the Bereaved Want
Remember, the person who is grieving wants the following:
• To be seen
• To be me with empathy from others
• To be validated
Conclusion
I heard this song many years ago and I love the lyrics. They are written by a man grieving his father’s death. Maybe you can relate to them or they can help you understand your friend’s grief better. Here are the first three verses:
Homesick by MercyMe
You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow I’ve never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same Cause I’m still here so far away from home
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief or supporting others who are grieving, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
If you read my blogs regularly, you will by now be familiar with the fact that grief is not a sequential process with and end point. It goes on for the rest of your life.
The intensity of the pain will lessen in intensity and frequency over time, but there will still be days when you are hit by the pain.
Sub heading How To Manage Those Difficult Days
The following are ways people report have helped them:
1. Comfort Kit.
This kit is a special box or bag that can be placed somewhere easy to access.
Put in it things that you find comforting. Popular items include candles, bath oils, art supplies, a cuddly toy.
This box is about doing something special for you as you feel low. To give you love and a warm hug of comfort.
What can you put in your comfort kit?
2. Important Lists To Assist
By this I mean the following:
• Put together a playlist of favourite uplifting songs. Don’t add sad songs to the list, those songs are for other times. This list is about listening to songs that soothe and encourage.
• Keep an updated list of people you can talk to on those bad days. This should be composed of people who will give you the support, love and encouragement you need on those bad days.
• Have a list of movement activities. These are things you can do to get you up and moving. This can include places to walk, something to dance to, some yoga exercises to practise, work you can do in the garden. Anything that gets you moving in an enjoyable way (so don’t decide to tackle a massive weed pile in the garden unless you get great joy out of tackling that).
• A feel good list. This is a list of things you enjoy doing that make you feel good. This might involve funny movies, inspiriting books, comfort food, friends to visit who make you feel good, animals you love to see and so on.
• Getting out in nature list. Ideas of things you can do out in nature. Research proves the value of nature – be it the bush or the beach. These are places you can go to feel better. Maybe it is to go on a hike, walk along a favourite beach, sit in a park, listen to birds, whale watch, swim. The list is endless.
• Positive sayings or affirmations: On your good days, collects sayings and affirmations. When you are having a bad day get them out and read through them. They can be as simple as: “ It’s okay to cry”, “This will pass” “It is okay to be sad” “It is okay to have a sad day” “It is okay to take time out to honour your pain”.
• Places you can go to care for yourself: This can include a place you find comforting, places you can visit, tourist ideas you have never visited in your local area, going to a retreat to reflect and be pampered. Places that feed your soul.
Which of these lists would you find useful? Make those lists today.
3. Daily Gratitude Journal.
This is a preventative measure. The ideas is that you have a special journal where you write 10 things you are grateful for every day. Write your list then read it out aloud and say “Thank you, thank you, thank you” after each list item. Remember small things can be on that list, not just spectacular things. You can be grateful for you feet because they support you as you go about your day. You can be grateful for the food you eat. You can be grateful for family members. You can be grateful for your home, even furniture in your home.
The other use for a gratitude list is that you can take it our on your bad days and read it.
As well as a gratitude journal, I also have a gratitude jar. I write things on a piece of paper that I am grateful for. I write at least once a week and add items on other days if something amazing happens.
4. Grief Support Groups You Can Reach Out To.
Many people find going to a grief support group, joining a live group online, joining a social media group is helpful. They report the benefits of seeking support from those groups on their bad days provides great comfort.
5. Ask For Help List.
There are times when you may need the support of a grief counsellor. Having a list of counsellors in your local area makes it easier for you to ring to arrange an appointment.
Time For Action
Now is the time to write down your plan of action for your next difficult day.
What will you put in that plan?
Are you going to assemble your comfort box?
Have you written some lists of things to do?
Have you considered some of the other things you can do to support you on those bad days?
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your bad days, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
When you are in a difficult situation it can be hard to see a way out of it.
Often the way out of the situation is to change the perspective on that situation.
This is what I describe as moving around the circle of the problem.
Moving Around the Circle of the Problem
If you imagine the problem as an object in front of you.
Imagine there is a circle around the problem and you are standing on a spot on that circle.
The spot you are standing on is one of great difficulty with no seeming way out of the problem.
But what is you took a step to the left or right around the circle? What would the problem look like then?
Using the Circle of the Problem
This is something I have used for most of my adult life. It is something that is possible to learn and apply with determination and intention.
The next time you find yourself with a problem to solve try this.
Imagine yourself standing on a circle looking at the problem.
Then imagine you are taking a step to the left or right. As you take that imaginary step, do so with the intention of seeking the problem from a different angle.
It is amazing how solvable a problem looks when you just take a step to one side or another of a problem.
Take Time to Consider the Problem
Sometimes you need time to sit with a problem before you are able to see it from another perspective.
There are many ways to give yourself time.
Sometimes sleeping on the problem can be a good way to prepare to take that step. Things are always easier to attend to when you are well rested.
You can also put the problem aside and do something else. Maybe you decide to have a walk, go out with friends, meditate.
Find a Trusted Confidant to Share the Problem With
Another way of preparing to take that step is to discuss the problem with someone else who is prepared to listen and be your sounding board. The ideal person will listen and ask questions to allow you to explore your feelings around the problem and to test the various solutions you may consider or different perspectives you may have. You need someone who can be neutral and not push their solution on you.
This is where a counsellor can be very helpful. We are trained to listen and help you explore all options and your feelings around them.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your problem, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
When I was a child, my mother believed it was important for children to have pets because when they died it introduced children to the concept of death.
That is true. But there was no recognition in my mother’s plan of the fact that losing a pet is a grief as devastating as losing a human you love.
So pets died, but it was just like putting packaging from food in the bin. Gone now, what are you upset about?
That was the way that generation dealt with things. This was in the time when it was believed that you had to immediately put the one who had died out of your mind. It was considered unhealthy to grieve.
Death was not talked about, whether pets or humans. The subject was taboo.
To grieve was to be mentally unwell.
Pets Matter
There is a need to acknowledge the death of a pet and to allow yourself the opportunity to grieve for it. It is also important to assist children in the family to grieve for that pet.
If the death of the family pet is the first time a child has encountered death, it is very important this death is handled well. This death and the grief following is a blue print for every death the child will encounter in life.
Preparing Your Children For The Death of a Pet
If the pet dies of old age it is important to acknowledge through the years that the pet is getting older. You can talk about the average life span of your type of pet which sets realistic expectations of how long the pet will live for.
Most pets will die before us, so it is important to acknowledge that and then to acknowledge when they get older.
If your pet is ill it is important to acknowledge that as well and be honest about its chances of surviving this illness. It is okay to not be sure and to be honest about that.
Should Your Child Be Present When the Pet Dies?
This will depend on the age of your child and the way the pet dies. If it is ill and you sit with it as it dies, your child may find it comforting to pat the animal and comfort it.
If your pet is being euthanised your vet may have rules around what age child they are comfortable allowing to be present. It is more confronting to be with a pet that dies this way. If the vet is okay with your child being present, then you need to decide whether you think they have the maturity to cope with this.
Should Your Child See Their Dead Pet?
It can be helpful for a child to see their pet’s body and say goodbye. They may want to hold the pet, touch it or just spend time with it.
What Does “Handling Your Pet Death Well” Look Like?
When a pet dies it is important to involve the entire family in this in an age-appropriate way.
Some people like to have a small ceremony to say goodbye, others may light a candle. Many people put a framed photo of the pet somewhere special. Planting a plant is also special. Some people cremate their pet and scatter the ashes in its favourite place. You may set up a memory box with your pet’s accessories and photos of your pet.
It is important to remember that losing a pet can be traumatic for a child. This is more likely to happen when the child has not encountered death before.
The death of a beloved pet can be confusing and hard to understand. Children are likely to feel sad and may have other feelings such a guilt or even anger.
There are books that you can read with your children to help them with the death of a pet. These books are lovely to read and also offer opportunities to talk about the lost pet.
Books To Read About Pet Death
This is a selection of books that are available. Your local library may have more books.
The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr – about a goldfish who loses his friend. For younger children
Missing Jack by Rebecca Elliott – about a young boy saying goodbye to his pet cat. For younger children.
I’ll Always Love You by Hans Wilhelm – about a dog that doesn’t wake up one morning.
Goodbye Mog by Judith Kerr – this beautiful book was a favourite with my children when they were younger. Mog grows old and tired and dies. Her spirit stays around to check up on her family.
The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst is about a boy who writes a list of 10 good things about his cat and how that helps him remember and celebrate the positive memories and accept the reality of Barney’s death.
Dog Heaven and Cat Heaven by Cynthia Rylant – two books covering the death of a dog and a cat.
Jim’s Dog Muffins by Miriam Cohen – the entire class help Jim cope with the loss of his dog. For school aged children.
Goodbye Mousie by Robie H Harris – the emotions of losing a pet. Great for preschoolers.
Saying Goodbye to Lulu by Corrine Demas – the story of a dog who dies of old age. Reassures the reader that in time the pain will ease.
Jasper’s Day by Marjorie Blain Parker – this is helpful if your dog has been euthanised by the vet.
The Forever Dog by Bill Cochran and Dan Andreasen – about the dog that was forever.
The Berenstain Bears Lose a Friend by Stan and Jan Berenstain – about the death of a goldfish. Great to remind children that not all pets are dogs and cats.
Paw Prints in the Stars: A Farewell and Journal for a Beloved Pet by Warren Hanson – this is a story and a journal children can fill out to create their own story about their pet.
What Not To Say
Saying that you can always get another pet is not helpful. It minimises the relationship the other person has with their pet. In time the other person may get another pet, but when they are ready.
Ways To Honour Your Pet
It is important to share stories of your pet’s funny moments.
Be prepared always to offer hugs and be patient with the way your child grieves. If they cry allow them to. Be prepared to listen when they want to talk.
Putting together a book of memories of your pet is also a wonderful way to remember them.
An Example of How To Manage The Death of a Pet
My beautiful dog died two years ago at the age of 18. He had been part of the family since he was 10 weeks old. My children had grown up with him.
As he aged and his health started to fail I kept my now grown-up children informed of his deteriorating health.
When the time came to make the decision to end his suffering I discussed this with all my children and we made the decision together. Then two of my children came with us to the vet and were with him as he died.
In the aftermath we had many times where we talked about him and shared memories of him. His photo, with footprint and lock of fur, sits in the house and we often talk about him. We honour his birthday as well.
So many people I know have done the same when their beloved pet died. If the children are younger it may not be so appropriate to include them in the decision, but if possible you can let them know what is happening.
If the pet becomes ill and the decision is made on the spot to euthanise it, then it won’t be possible to include other family members.
It is important to let them know, preferably in person, and allow them time to react to the news. When they react, honour their feelings.
It is the same principle with the death of a relative. In addition there will often be photos or other memories in the house. Their ashes may also be placed somewhere special in the house. People will also talk about them.
Ways Not To Honour Your Pet
I contrast this to when I was a child and a kitten died while I was at school. When I came home it just wasn’t there. I don’t know what happened to it and it was never talked about again.
Another person I know was told their dog has run away, when it had in fact died. They were distressed looking for the animal and wanting to put up signs about the dog and door knock the local area. They couldn’t understand why their family weren’t interested in looking for the dog. It was a long time before they overheard mention of the dog having died.
Having To Leave Your Pet Behind
A neighbour moving into aged care and having to find a home for her dog reminded me of the difficulties people who are getting older and less capable of caring for themselves have to contend with.
Here is a beloved companion who you can’t take into aged care with you. For many people, their pet has become their constant companion. It gives them a reason to get up in the morning. It is a loving presence that helps you to feel you matter and there is someone there for you.
It is just as difficult if you have to move house and are unable to keep your pet anymore. This is the end of a relationship and you need to grieve for the relationship with the pet and honour it.
You will wonder how your pet is and if it remembers you and misses you. You may also wonder how well it is being cared for.
Those questions are ones you are unlikely to have answered and that is hard. It adds another dimension to the grief you feel at having to leave them behind.
It is important to acknowledge those questions and that sadness. There is always a balance between dwelling on something too much and acknowledging it. The main thing is to admit you have those concerns. Allow yourself to feel sad, then move on with your day. Ultimately you have to trust that your pet has been well cared for.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you or your child with the death or surrender of a pet, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
When I talk to people about all things having an energy, even inanimate objects, they often look at me as though I am weird. But do you know that Albert Einstein theorised this very thing? Quantum science has now proven Einstein’s theory by using sensitive instruments to measure the energy objects give off.
Nikola Tesla, who pioneered modern electrical systems spoke of the understanding of the Universe being unlocked by measuring energy, frequency and vibrations.
Energy Vibrations
Vibrations are best defined as being states of being. As the energy given off by something or someone. Vibrations exist because the atoms that are the building blocks of all things vibrate. Different types of atoms vibrate at different speeds. Even things like wood, rocks, the ground vibrate.
This is where the trendy term “vibes” comes from. The theory of all things vibrating at different frequencies.
Often that term is misused by people who don’t understand the true meaning of vibrations or the science behind them.
We Can All Sense Energy Vibrations
It is possible for animals and people to sense vibrations. We don’t consciously do it. Vibrations are part of non verbal communication. We can detect such communication without being aware we are doing it. Of course you can consciously choose to become aware of these sensations, but in reality you pick them up anyway.
You give off vibrations all the time. You can’t not do it.
I realised this many years ago when people always seemed to pick up on the days when I had a low mood, even though I deliberately suppressed it and didn’t tell others how I was feeling.
Energy Attracts Or Repels
In life those vibrations are what often attract or repel us to/from other people. It is why you may avoid a particular person when you are feeling down because you have sensed subconsciously that their negative energy will drag you down.
If you are feeling lacking in energy, or depressed, you are likely to give off lower frequency vibrations than at times when you are feeling upbeat, happy, full of energy. If you are angry the vibrations you give off will be different again.
Energy is A Vital Part of Intuition
If you pay attention to these deep seated messages, the ones that get bundled into the term “intuition”, you will become aware of the way some people attract you and others repel you.
Interestingly researchers have devised a scale for the energy levels of different emotions. The scale ranges from zero to 1,000. This is how various feelings have been ranked:
• 20 – shame
• 100 – fear
• 200 – courage, being willing to take responsibility for your own actions and feeling and also the first level of empowerment. Interesting to know that empowerment has an energy ranking!
• 500 – love
• 700 – enlightenment
Reiki, a form of energy healing, has been found to have the capacity to raise a person’s personal vibration. This also impacts on the Reiki practitioner which explains why not only my client but I also experience higher energy after I perform a Reiki healing on my client.
All Energy Levels Are Important To Experience
As with all things in life, it is important to experience the highs and the lows. Those lower energy experiences are not pleasant, but they are the place where we are able to learn, change and grow.
As part of mindfulness practice, I teach clients to pay attention to their energy levels. What am I feeling now? What is my energy? It is possible to develop awareness of your energy levels and even work at ways to improve your energy.
Once your energy starts to lift is keeps lifting. High energy attracts more energy, whereas low energy repels energy.
11 Ways To Raise Your Energy
There are 11 ways you can bring yourself out of a low energy state and into higher vibration energy.
1.Gratitude.
Making a conscious decision to see the things to be thankful for increases your energy vibrations. Remembering that at the energy vibration of 200 you are empowered, raising that energy level will lead to you feeling more powerful. Understanding that you have that control, that life is full of things to be thankful for, increases your wisdom as well.
2.Moving Your Body
Moving your body can also raise your energy vibrations. Conversely, sitting too long will drop them.
Have you ever noticed how you resist moving when you are feeling resentful and wanting to hold on to that feeling? Once you start moving through rhythmic movement it is hard to maintain that level of energy.
Dancing, especially to music is one of the most effective ways to move your body and raise those energy vibrations. You can dance at an exercise class or dance at home on your own. Research suggests that 10 minutes of moving to your favourite music will start shifting your energy vibrations upwards.
3.Eat Nutrient Dense Foods
Food has its own energy vibration. The more nutrient dense the food is, the better the energy vibration.
Have you ever noticed how weighed down you feel after indulging in a lot of junk food? Even alcohol can reduce your energy levels.
On the flip side, you may have noticed that when you eat well you feel so much lighter.
Food has a major impact on your energy vibrations.
4.Meditation
As I have already mentioned, Mindfulness meditation trains you to be aware of your body. You can better understand your own energy vibrations and be better able to address those issues that lower your energy.
5.Touch
There has been a lot of research over the past decade or so on the benefits of touch.
The finding that premature babies do better when they are touched has led to skin to skin contact with their parents becoming common practice. This has led to better outcomes and higher survival rates among these babies.
Research has also found the negative impact of the lack of touch for the elderly living in nursing homes or isolated at home.
Simply touching someone on the arm when they are distressed is comforting. If you have ever had someone do that to you then you will probably be aware of that comforting sensation. It is soothing, sends the message you are not alone and that someone cares. In fact researchers have found that touch can be a very effective pain relief.
Massage is a form of touch that is particularly powerful. It has been shown to rebalance hormones and reduce cortisol (stress hormone) levels.
Touch releases a powerful hormone often referred to as the love hormone. This hormone is oxytocin. It assists people to feel that sense of connection and safety. It also increases energy vibrations. Higher energy of course means you will feel better and happier.
6.Giving and Receiving
Withholding love, time or even making negative comments about others lowers your energy frequency. Conversely, being generous with your praise, love and time raises your energy. Making the effort to give to others generously increases what you receive as well. So everyone benefits.
7.Be with Positive People
When you spend time with friends who have a high energy it raises your energy as well. This is why it is sometimes better when you are feeling low to make the decision to go out and set the intention to enjoy yourself. That raises your energy so it doesn’t bring your friends down and their high energy raises yours. If the friends you are with understand your difficulties and want to support you then you can raise your energy higher.
8.Make the Decision to Open Your Heart.
Is there someone in your life, either now or in the past, who you loved so much that even thinking about them made you feel happy and lighter?
Did thinking about them make you feel better and that your mood lifted?
Love is one of the highest energy vibration states you can experience. When you love someone your energy is always raised and you feel on top of the world.
Loving yourself is also important. When you spend time caring for you and doing nice things for you that lifts your mood as well.
A great example of that is when you get a new outfit that you feel looks great on you. Or you get a new hairstyle and you are very happy with that. You walk out feeling on top of the world. This is self love.
9.Breathing
When life is stressful you tend to take shallow, quick breaths. This sends a message to your brain that you are in danger and increases cortisol levels in your body. The more you shallow breathe the higher the cortisol levels rise.
It is important to breathe slowly and deeply when you start to feel stressed. There are various ways you can deepen your breathing and slow it down.
• One is to breathe in for 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4 and wait for 4 before taking the next breath.
• Another is to breathe in, paying attention to your tummy and chest as they rise. You may like to place a hand over your chest and another over your tummy and focus on feeling them rise as you slowly breathe in. If you are breathing properly you will feel them both rise. When you finish the in breath hold your breath for a few seconds. Then breathe out slowly through pursed lips. After a few breaths you can imagine you are breathing in peace as you breathe in and breathing out tension as you breathe out. It is a good idea to do this exercise until you feel calmer. A minimum of 10 breaths works best.
10.A Nice Warm Bath
If you like baths then you can try the old favourite of a lovely bath. Lock the door, dim the lights, light some candles and add some lovely bath oils to the water. You could even play some relaxing music.
Make sure the water is quite warm but not so hot it makes you sweat.
Water is a great energy lifter and many people find this practice relaxing and energising.
11.Be In Nature
Extensive research has shown the benefits of being in nature. Blood pressure lowers, cortisol levels lower and people feel more relaxed. Your energy levels also rise.
Even looking at pictures of nature is relaxing and energising, although no substitute for the real thing.
If you are not close to bushland then going to a park or the beach is effective.
Place your feet flat on the ground and pay attention to the feeling in the soles of your feet as you connect to the ground. Feel the energy of the earth as it enters your feet, then moves up your body. Don’t worry if you can’t feel it immediately, it can take time to learn to connect to energy.
Another thing you can do is hug or touch a tree. It is not a joke, you really can feel the energy of the tree by touching it.
Sitting listening to the sounds of the trees in the breeze, to birds, insects is calming. If you go to the beach you can stand bare foot at the ends of the water and allow the waves to gently touch your feet. Listen to the sound of the waves, the wind, and the birds.
All these things are really relaxing and energising.
If you have a garden, spending time out in the garden with your plants and the grass can also be energising.
I Practice What I Preach
I am often asked what I do to manage with the big stories and low energy of so many beautiful souls who come to see me.
Firstly I reply that it is a privilege to work with such strong survivors, battered as they are, they are determined to heal.
Second I reply that I have my own practices that keep my energy high so that I can share that energy with those who come to see me.
I do follow the 11 ways in my own life, here are some of the things I do:
• Gratitude. I have a daily practise of writing down 10 things I am grateful for at the end of each day. I also make not during the day of anything I think is wonderful and express gratitude for it. Examples of this are: a beautiful sunrise, watching the birds in my garden, seeing a dog smiling up at its owner as it is being walked, someone letting me out of the end of my street in heavy traffic, a child running around with delight and so many more. I make my entire day an opportunity to express gratitude. I also set the intention that I am not going to get annoyed by the things other people do. To counter annoyance I look for something good to say about that person. That quickly defuses any annoyance I may be feeling.
• Moving my body. I dance to music, walk through the bush, and never miss an opportunity to express my delight through movement.
• Eating nutrient dense food: I delight to eat as many wholefoods as I can, while avoiding foods high in sugar. I eat a lot of vegetables, which I love. I have learned to take the time to notice what I am eating and enjoy it, and by doing that needing less food. I love how good my body feels when I eat nutrient dense foods.
• Mindfulness and other meditation. I get up early every morning and start the day with meditation. Sometimes I listen to a guided meditation, sometimes I listen to music and focus on the music. Other times I focus on my breath. After I am finished I stretch my body then meditatively paint. As a Reiki practitioner I meditate on the 5 Reiki Principles to release my investment in staying hurt and angry, to release worry and be mindful of the present moment, to be grateful and appreciate all the wonders and blessings of life, to do my work diligently, even seemingly small insignificant tasks and to show compassion for all living things. This is a wonderful way to reset and to set the tone of the rest of the day.
• Touch. I love giving and receiving hugs. I hug my family, my dogs, my friends. I grew up in a family that never touched. Learning how to hug opened up my world in such a powerful way. I also schedule regular massages to help settle my nervous system.
• Giving and Receiving. I give compassion and acceptance to as many people as I can. When I encounter other people I choose to consider their needs and what is happening in their lives rather than find fault or take offense with what they do. When I am hurt by the things of life, or feeling overwhelmed I have a beautiful tribe of women I can turn to for support. I have learned to be very proactive in seeking help.
• Be with positive people. I have found in my life that being with the people I know who lift my energy is important. It helps that those people are such beautiful, caring people. I have also learned to not take on the negative energy of others. I also have made the decision to not have contact with people who are overwhelmingly negative and sap my energy. This is about honouring my needs and my self care.
• I choose to open my heart and risk having friendships with other people. I know that if I am burned in that relationship I will hurt and need time to feel that hurt and heal from it. But I am strong enough to survive. I will continue to risk hurt by opening myself to friendships.
• Breathing. As part of my meditative practice I focus on my breathing and on breathing deeply and slowly. Because I practice this it is easy for me to practice slowing and deepening my breathing when I am in a stressful situation.
• I do on occasion have a nice warm bath. It is a lovely way to destress.
• Be in nature. As often as I can I go out into nature. I hug trees, sit at their base, sit beside water as it runs past in creeks and cascades. I gaze at the sky, noting the clouds and the colours of the sky. I look for the moon and the different constellations of stars in the night sky. I listen for the sounds of the birds in the day and the flying foxes and owls at night. I love to walk amongst the trees and look up at their magnificence and delight in the wonder of them. Even if I can’t get out into the bush there are places near where I live where trees tower over the footpath and I can gaze up at them. It is not hard to incorporate the 11 ways to raise your energy into your life. Why not try it yourself?
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with learning to raise your energy, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
Over the past few years I have watched a lovely, independent, livewire neighbour become a shadow of herself. As the light of independence and curiosity has diminished it has been hard to watch her decline into dementia.
I have seen this before. I worked for many years as a Registered Nurse in aged care. I watched what someone once described as death in slow motion as the once vibrant people I cared for became less and less themselves.
Dementia doesn’t change who a person is, it leaves a void where the person, their personality, once was. Slowly the person becomes less and less until there is just the shell of their body.
I have also watched family members on this journey, as they struggle to come to terms with the slow destruction of everything they are.
This is a different kind of grief. It is known as anticipatory grief. This is mourning the expected loss. The person you love is still alive but you know they are dying and you watch them die a little each time you see them.
People losing a loved one to physical illness, such as cancer, also suffer anticipatory grief.
What Is Anticipatory Grief?
Anticipatory Grief is grieving in expectation of a loss. The person you love is still alive, but you know they are dying. Suddenly the future is different. You can see them there, but how much future do you have before they are not there?
Dementia has that extra knife twist as the person you love loses what makes them who they are: their memories and personality. Their bodies may still function well, but their mind does not.
I saw this with my grandfather and father. As they slipped away from who they were into someone who was almost childlike in their dependence.
The twist in the case of dementia is that they still look like them, but they do not act or sound like the person they once more.
It is so hard to continue to see this person fade away from who they once were into a recognisable figure that no longer is the person you knew and loved.
Finding “Closure” Amongst Dementia
When someone you love is dying of an illness, they are usually in a position to have conversations with you. This allows you to have discussions about the past, about your relationship, about your future. When someone gets dementia this opportunity is rarely available. By the time dementia is suspected and then confirmed, it is too late to have those discussions.
To add to this lack of closure your loved one changes from the vital, amazing person they were into someone who will eventually not recognise you. They will often lash out in anger and agitation as well. That is hard to watch.
It is hard to watch this vital, independent person need help with simple activities such as washing and dressing.
The Long Road To End Of Life With Dementia
The anticipatory grief of physical illness usually doesn’t last long.
Dementia sufferers can take years to die. This means you will lose the person they are but not the physical body. Your memories of what they were like are invaded by the new memories of this unfamiliar person. One who is frequently agitated, anxious, combative, aggressive and doesn’t know you.
Caring for the Carer
If you are caring for a loved one with dementia your life becomes increasingly restricted and stressful.
As your loved one deteriorates, so the caregiving you must give increases.
They may wander so suddenly you can’t leave them alone.
Your stress levels rise as you can’t focus on work, or sleep, because of your need to watch this person who looks like your loved one but is increasingly ceasing to be.
It is essential you get help, both physical help in the form of someone to care for them to give you a break, and emotional support to cope with the changing nature of the relationship, the grief around that, and the anticipatory grief of their end.
During this time caring for yourself may involve seeking counselling so that you have someone to talk to without judgement. Someone to help you carry that burden for a little while.
Having To Make The Hard Decisions
At some stage in the dementia deterioration, a decision may need to be made to put your loved one into aged care.
This is such a difficult decision.
There is the expectation that you care for them. This comes from your own expectations and the expectations of others. Some people may support you with your need to put them into care. Others may tell you that you should continue to care for them.
There is a lot of guilt associated with putting your loved one into care.
Again, counselling is helpful to allow you to explore options and your feelings around them. Armed with that support, you can better make a decision about your loved one’s care.
This Is A Hard Road To Travel
Watching someone you love cease to be the person they once were.
Watching that person deteriorate and become someone else.
Then watching that person cease to be anyone at all.
These are the part of the road you have to travel.
If you add to that the stress of watching this happen, of caring for them, of making the hard decisions about their care, then you will be experiencing a lot of grief and stress.
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your anticipatory grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
So many people struggle with thoughts that go around and around in their heads. Not nice thoughts, but ones that bother you and destroy your enjoyment of activities during waking hours. Thoughts the keep you aware at 1am, 2am, 3am and so on.
If you are going to be thinking in circles about something then why not turn your thoughts to seeing if you can resolve the issue that is bothering.
Here are the questions to ask:
Am I Aware How Long I Have Been Having This Thought?
Have you actually been thinking about this thing for a long time, or does it just feel like it. Maybe it is a thought that keeps repeating and it just seems to be going round in your head.
The next question to ask yourself is”
2. Is now a good time to be thinking about this?
If the thought is bothering you the answer is probably no.
Then you need to ask yourself the next question:
3. Is There Something I Am Avoiding?
So often something that is bothering you spins around in your mind but you don’t explore it. This is often because the thought is so overwhelming that you don’t feel you can manage what comes next.
The reality is, exploring this thought further can help you resolve it.
When those distressing thoughts revolve in your mind they are often indicators of something deeper that needs processing. This is why you ask the question.
When you ask the question be prepared to sit with the question and wait for the answer to arise.
When the answer comes to you, allow yourself to explore it further:
• Where in your body is the thought?
• How long has it been there in your body?
• What is the thought about? There is often something that you have not processed that is bugging you until you process it.
• Is now a good time to work through this thought? You might be at work, or it may be the middle of the night and you feel you can’t attend to it. If that is so then set a time to attend to it. Visualise yourself putting the thought on that time and tell yourself that is when it will be dealt with.
When Exploring A Question Doesn’t Bring Relief Try Something Else
Sometimes recurring thoughts are too difficult to resolve, and you may need help. It is unlikely you will get help immediately. In the interim you may need to put that thought aside until you can attend to it.
If this recurring thought is during the day then change what you are doing and do something that will occupy your mind.
Maybe you want to do something that requires your full attention.
Maybe you want to talk to someone.
A change of scenery can dislodge that thought. Try changing where you are working. If you can, go for a walk.
Observation using your senses can also be useful.
• Look around you.
• Name 5 things you can see.
• Now name 5 things you touch. Name what they feel like to touch.
• Now name 5 things you can smell. Name them.
• Name 5 things you can hear and describe what you are hearing.
If it is the early hours of the morning, rather than tossing and turning, unable to get back to sleep and those thoughts just going on and on then get up and do something else for a little while.
Maybe you have a good book to read. Maybe you can listen to music. Just choose something that will not wake you up too much and so that thing until you feel able to go back to sleep.
Most people find it takes half an hour or so before they have cleared their mind enough to go back to sleep. If you can’t, allow yourself to accept that and find something enjoyable and restful to do. Yes you may be tired the next morning, but you will be less stressed. Maybe you will sleep better the next night.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your incessant thoughts or attending to the underlying issues, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
If you are grieving you may have noticed that a lot of people want to give you advice on how to manage your grief.
They may tell you how long you should grieve, or that you should read this book, or do that course, or join this particular group.
They may tell you that you should be over your grief by now, or to cheer up.
They may tell you to throw out things that you are holding on to that remind you of the one you lost.
They may try the “They are in a better place” line. Or tell you “You can have another child”. Or “You are young, there will be other partners out there”.
Some of their advice may be helpful, but most isn’t.
What I Will Do If You Come To See Me.
If you come to me to ask you how you should be grieving I won’t tell you. I will help you to understand that your grief symptoms are experienced by many other people. So you are not going mad.
I will listen to your story and help you to tell that story.
I will help you to make sense of what is going on in your life.
But I will not tell you what to do.
I will answer your questions and help you to explore books, courses and groups if you wish to explore them.
But I will not tell you what to do.
Why Can’t I Tell You What To Do?
I can’t tell you what to do because you are you and I am me. Our life experiences are different. Our personalities are different. Our way of viewing the world is different. Our experiences of grief are different.
Yes, I understand the grief process. I have studied grief extensively and have been trained on a number of different ways of helping you with your grief, some of which I may use when you come to see me.
But I will not impose any formulas on you or tell you how you should be grieving.
You Are The Expert Of Your Own Grief
You are the expert of your own grief are the worlds of Grief Therapist David Kessler.
He experienced some of his own terrible tragedies, yet he never tells people how to grieve. He has counselled people in grief for decades and he has never told them how to grieve.
He understands that each grief is individual. Yes, other people may experience similar things, but they will not have the same grief as you. And what worked for them will not work for you.
Sharing Ideas With Others
It can be helpful to share your experience with other people who will listen.
You may hear ways that other people have managed and find that works for you too. On the flip side, you may hear ways other people have managed and know that is not going to work for you.
As long as the ideas of others are shared in conversation when you want to listen and not shoved down your throat, they may be helpful.
Grief Is Different All The Time
I was reminded of this recently when I found myself feeling inexplicably down, then realised it was the 21st anniversary of my mother’s death. Why this year? Other years I hadn’t even noticed the date, but this year it was really hard.
I am not alone in that experience. People often tell me how confused they are that doing something that has not upset then previously suddenly has caused great distress.
Grief is very like that.
I teach many people that grief is like the seasons. It changes constantly. It is like living in Melbourne! Several seasons in one day. That is how grief impacts.
You can never pick when your grief will impact you. All you can do is learn to roll with the feelings.
Remember The Advice Givers Are Often Uncomfortable With Your Feelings
I always tell people that the advice givers are often giving advice because they are uncomfortable with your feelings.
Maybe they don’t know how to respond.
Maybe they feel they have to “solve your problem” and don’t know how to.
Maybe they were taught to shut down their own feelings.
Maybe they just don’t know how to deal with the discomfort of your emotions.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you to feel heard, understand and to not receive advice, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
There is a lot spoken about losing a partner. Less is spoken about losing a parent. But, I have noticed that one of the biggest gaps is speaking about losing a child.
I Am Supposed To Die First
Losing a child is a terrible nightmare for any parent. Children are supposed to bury us, not vice versa.
When the child is under 18 it is even harder to lose them.
Losing A Child To Illness
Today I am going to talk about losing a child to cancer or other illness. However, there are many aspects of the loss of a child that apply to any death of a child.
Many parents report the devastation of learning their child has a life threatening illness.
There are many decisions to make about care. This is in addition to adjusting to the possible loss of the future you had imagined for your child.
The Pain Of Watching Your Child Suffer
To watch your child have to endure endless blood tests, x-rays, MRIs, CT Scans, Ultrasounds, and more is very hard.
One parent who saw me reported the day they decided to end the tests and treatments was when their child just resignedly put their arm out for yet another blood test. They realised the limited time their child had left should not be filled with endless tests that were not going to result in their child living.
Filling Their Bucket List
Instead this parent opted to give their child loads of experiences. They took time out to go to playgrounds, theme parks, zoos, run on the beach, eat different foods, go on boats, planes, helicopters, a balloon ride, ride on a surfboard. The list is endless.
For this parent the priority was their child’s happiness.
Accepting The End
Before making that decision there was hope of survival. Numerous chemotherapy rounds, radiation therapy, hospitals and more hospitals took their toll on the family. The pain of watching their child suffer was unbearable. The only thing that kept them going was the hope their child had a future.
Then comes the time when you realise there is no future. There is no cure. This disease is terminal.
Letting Go
This is when the terrible decision to end treatment has to be made. There are always the “what ifs”. What if this next treatment works? What if they live a few more months? Is it better to live those few more months after some suffering or to give them the best life they can have (which won’t involve the pain of more treatments).
All this decision making involves letting go.
Letting go of hope of a future. Letting go of your child. Letting go of the quantity of life over the dignity of life and death. Allowing your child to be as pain free as possible.
After Your Child’s Death
The aftermath of a child’s death is awful.
At the time of their death you are surrounded by supporters.
There will be some people who stay in touch, who support you and check in. There may be ones who supply meals, or are available to listen. But over time the frequency of support reduces.
Grief hits hard once your time is no longer occupied keeping your child alive.
Even other children in the family, or having another child, does little to relieve the pain.
The Experience Of Grief For A Parent
When you are busy looking after other children and just surviving, it is hard to process your grief.
Many parents describe the following ways grief showed up in their life:
• Being easily irritated
• Experiencing panic attacks
• Chasing after anything that will fill the void, even if meaningless
• Feeling helpless
• Feeling life is futile
• Feeling so very sad
• Missing the hugs and hearing their voice
• Feeling part of you has died
• Finding it hard to face the day
• Feeling you are constantly scaling immense cliffs just to survive a day
• Constant reminders and memories of your child
• Learning to smile through the pain
• Feeling no one else can understand the immensity of your pain
• Frightened of overwhelming others with your pain
• Experiencing despair at the loss of your child.
Learning To Live Again
Many parents tell me they learned to live in the moment as the only way to move on in life.
Over time parents learn to accept the thoughts around their child. All of them. They acknowledge the thoughts and the emotions that come with them.
Joining a support group of other bereaved parents can be very helpful. One thing it does is help the parents to know they are not alone.
It is possible to survive grief. You can learn to keep that grief a little more distant. This distance allows you to process your grief and allow you to change. If you allow grief to change you and empower you then you can become a better person than you were before your child died.
Remember, grief will humble you. Grief will shatter you. Ultimately it will strengthen and empower you.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, at the loss of your child or any other loss you are struggling with, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
I see a lot of people who are tired of grieving. They just want to stop hurting.
Over time, the pain settles a little. You still have moments of pain so deep you feel thrown back into the pain of your early grief. But there are also moments where the pain has become a dull ache.
Your Pain Honours The One You Lost
Hurting over someone’s death is hard. As time goes on experiencing that hurt again is never easy.
I often ask people to look at the pain from a different perspective. What if you looked at the positives of that pain?
The consensus here is that people come to see the pain as a “good ache”. It is that pain that leaves you feeling sad but proves you haven’t forgotten the person you loved.
Most people I see are afraid they will forget the person they loved.
This doesn’t mean you should deliberately hold onto the pain. Let it heal, you will feel it when it comes. And it will come.
A Personal Story
Mother’s Day can be a hard time for those who have lost their mother.
My mother died 2 days after Mother’s Day.
That was 21 years ago.
I was on the other side of the world from my children, so I lost Mother’s Day for myself that year.
Every year since my mother died I have found Mother’s Day painful.
This year it was particularly bad. Then I realised that was because the date of Mother’s Day was the same date as the year my mother died. That means the day she died is the same day of the week also.
It floored me to realise that after all these years I could still experience the pain of grief, even when I wasn’t consciously aware of the days and dates matching that year.
Honouring Your Pain
My mother and I didn’t have a good relationship, but the pain of her death is still there. And it is still there 21 years after her death.
So when the pain of your loved one’s death surfaces, honour it. The pain means you haven’t forgotten.
It also means you have survived your grief and learned to live a new life with it.
Can I Help?
If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au
If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with helpful information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz
