PLC Blog – Page 14 – Plentiful Life Counselling Blog

So You Think You Are Going Mad? What Can You Expect From Grieving?

There are assumptions about the experience of grief which are wrong and leave people feeling there is something wrong with them. When people reach out to others they are often met with ignorance around their feelings being part of grief. Even professionals can get it wrong.

When I run grief and loss groups, one of the first things I do is to encourage participants to share their experience of grief. For me, when I first attended a grief and loss group many years ago, it was a revelation how many of the things I experienced were well known grief experiences. For the first time in many years I realised I wasn’t mad!

I want other people to realise they are not mad either.

Below is a list of the experiences participants have shared over the years. The participants range in age from 10 to 90. It is important to remember that our experience of grief will change depending on the life stage we are in. So a 10 year old will experience things differently to a 90 year old.

How many of the things on this list have you experienced? Do you have anything to add? If you go to my facebook page Plentiful Life Exploration you can add your own words. The page can be accessed here: (1) Plentiful Life Exploration | Facebook (you will need to join the group to respond).

Below is my list. I would love to hear about your experiences:

Shock
Withdrawal
Confusion
Feeling sick
Insomnia
Disbelief
Voices and visions
Low energy
Numbness
Frustration
Anger
Relief
Depression
Keeping Busy
Weak
Panic
Going crazy
Rejection
Questioning
Loneliness
Preoccupation
Emptiness
Scared
Powerlessness
Aggression
Adjustment
Helpless
Guilt and regrets
Disorientation
Sadness
Emotional outbursts
Fear
Indifference
Crying
Idealisation
I don’t know how to feel
Lost sense of self.
Uncertainty
Can’t stop crying
Embarrassed at crying in public
Lost meaning in life
Unable to cope with everything
lack of concentration
day dreaming
inability to fulfill a grief expectation such as:
can’t cry when I should, can’t cry when I want, laugh when I should be sad
inappropriate laughter
denial
Regression to earlier life stage
Problems with transition from primary secondary or secondary tertiary education
Opposing pressures – family; society; peer group
Conflict : parents, teachers
Loss of childhood role
Body image
Concern for future
Awareness of reality and personal limitations
Concern about popularity
Fear of ridicule
Lack of confidence
Relationship breakdown
Academic performance
Sexuality
Drug & alcohol concerns
Eating disorders
Concern for environment, planet
truancy
delinquency, anti-social behaviour
work deterioration in school

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

If you would like to learn more, I write a regular newsletter with interesting information, tips, information on courses, and the occasional freebie. At the moment I have a free mindfulness meditation for anyone who signs up to my newsletter. This meditation offers a way to safely explore your feelings and learn to be okay with them. If you would like to subscribe please click on the link here: http://eepurl.com/g8Jpiz

Caring For A Grieving Friend And Yourself

When someone we know is in pain, our natural reaction is to try to make them feel better. Some of this response is learned behaviour as this is how our society teaches us to respond to another person’s pain. Some of the response is personal discomfort at seeing another person in pain.

The urge to help someone feel better is frequently the response we choose to the pain we see in another person.

Your Grieving Friend Doesn’t Need To “Feel Better”

When a person is grieving, no amount of “feel better” actions will help them feel better. They are in pain and only time will bring them to a point of being able to feel better.

The Pain Of Isolation

It may not be obvious, or something you think about, but the biggest difficulty for those who are grieving is isolation. The pain of grief is very individual and very isolating. You have lost the person you deeply love and the world for you has stopped. But the world for others has not stopped.

They are feeling terrible pain, but others cannot relate to that. Even others who have loved that person as well will feel their pain differently.

This is terribly isolating.

Isolation is very difficult to cope with at the best of times, but when you are grieving it is worse.

Platitude Peril

Sometimes the very platitudes you have learned to say, because others have said them in the past, make the person who is grieving feel more isolated. Feel that people don’t understand what they are going through.

Some of the platitudes are:

• “They are an angel in heaven now.”

• “At least you had x (amount of time) together”.

• “You can always have another one”.

• “It’s time to move on”.

• “Try to keep busy”.

• “They had a good life”.

These types of statements are really unhelpful and send a strong message that there is something wrong with the person and they need to stop grieving.

Quick, Let’s Pretend They Never Existed

Other people will avoid even mentioning the person’s grief. They will act as though the person never existed. That is so incredibly hurtful. It is as if the person who has died never existed. And that hurts.

For the person grieving, they want to remember that the one who has died existed. That they mattered. That their life was worthwhile. It is very hurtful to act as though their loved one didn’t exist. I have had it done to me and it was devastating to encounter that behaviour.

It Is Hard To Face The Reality Of Death

In this life bad things happen. As we all die, it is a certainty that you will encounter death in your lifetime. Death does not always happen to old people who have lived long, fruitful lives.

It happens to young children, to a young person whose life has ended before it had a chance to begin, to a young parent whose children will lose a parent long before it is time for that to happen, to someone in the prime of life.

It can happen in unfair circumstances due to accidents, random events, even the actions of another.

Safety And Security Is Shattered By Grief

When you love someone you feel safe and secure in that relationship. The warmth and security of the relationship has a deep impact on your sense of well being. Your heart sings with the joy you feel in the relationship with that other person. You are full of love and it feels wonderful.

Then suddenly all that safety, security, joy and love is gone. And it hurts.

That pain. The sadness. The devastation. The confusion and disbelief. All that is natural.

Grief Can’t Be Pushed Away, It Must Be Felt

Grief is a pain that has to be experienced. It can’t be pushed away.

This is why you can’t fix another person’s pain.

They have to experience it and process it.

Yes it will hurt. But suppressing those feelings of pain is a major cause of depression.

The pain has to be experienced. It is the only way the pain can be processed. It is the only way to make meaning of the loss.

What Can I Do To Support My Friend?

In supporting someone you know who is grieving, the support they need from you is to feel less isolated.

This involves just being with them. Don’t try to fix anything. Let them know you are there, no matter what. Let them know it is okay for them to feel devastated, or angry, or like crying or any other reaction they may have.

Just be there. Listen to what they have to say. Don’t try to fix anything, just listen. They need a witness to their pain and you can be that.

Don’t force them to talk. If they want to talk, listen. If they want to be quiet, be quiet with them.

Don’t Forget Self Care

In supporting your grieving friend do ensure you take care of yourself. It is hard to be in the presence of such pain. You may need to take a break every so often.

You may find you need to limit your time with them. That is okay. You have to care for yourself first or you will not be able to care for anyone else.

Let your friend know you can spend some time with them and then leave. Let them know when you can next spend time with them.

If you are struggling with the uncertainty of their grief and the feelings that come up for you around death seeing a counsellor can be helpful.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your feelings around death, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The Cry For Help

Have you met someone who is constantly telling you their horror story of a traumatic past?

Maybe you do this yourself?

Many people will tell me they retell the story because they can’t let go of it.

I totally get that. I have told and retold my own trauma stories often.

I thought it was to have someone witness my story.

And to a certain extent that was correct. I did want my story witnessed. Just as many people who come to see me want their story witnessed.

I hear you, I believe you.

You want someone to say I hear you.

You want someone to say what was done to you was horrible. A child shouldn’t have been treated that way.

You want to hear the horrified reaction of your listener as they hear your horrible story.

It is important to be heard, believed, and have the extent of your trauma acknowledged.

But there is something more that prompts you to tell the story over and over.

I need help

It is the wounded child seeking help. When that story happened to you as a child, no one came to your assistance. You needed help. Desperately. And no help came.

The next time you feel the need to tell your story, ask yourself. Am I seeking help?

If the answer is yes, then you are the adult who can help your wounded child.

You may not feel able to help your wounded child, and that is where counselling from a trauma professional can be helpful.

And if it is someone you care about who needs help for their wounded child, don’t dismiss them. Listen, ask if their wounded child needs help, and encourage them to see a counsellor.

Can I help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your wounded child, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Writing a Goodbye Letter

Sometimes when someone you love dies, the death is drawn out and you have time to say to each other what you wanted to say.

Sometimes there is no opportunity to say goodbye. Maybe the person you loved died suddenly. Maybe you didn’t have time to get there. Maybe they weren’t conscious. Maybe you felt constrained and unable to say what you wanted to say.

Maybe you planned to say goodbye at the funeral but you weren’t able to get there. Or you attended the funeral and never found the opportunity to say goodbye. Or you weren’t ready at that stage to say goodbye.

For many reasons you can be left after the death of someone you love feeling that you never had the chance to say goodbye. Not properly anyway.

I often suggest people may want to write a goodbye letter.

Some people hesitate, not sure what to write. So I have this template I use as a suggestion of what they may want to write.

                      Template for the Letter

To (write the name of the person you loved)

I am writing this to say goodbye because (write here why you are saying goodbye now).

Saying goodbye in this letter is important to me because I feel (what is it like for you to say goodbye?)

I remember a time when (what are your memories that you think are important to put in this letter?)

You taught me (what do you want them to know that they taught you?)

Something I want you to know is (this can be as short or long as you want it to be)

I will always remember (again, this can be as short or long as you want it to be)

Love from …

Once you have written your letter you can keep it, post it, tear it up and throw the pieces somewhere the person you loved liked to be, burn it or anything else you can think of.

Even if the person died years ago, it is never too late to send that goodbye letter.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

15 Indicators That You May Need Healing From Your Past

Trauma is talked about a lot these days. It is hard to avoid mentions of it.

But understanding of what trauma looks like is rarer. Many people who come to see me are surprised to hear that their experiences are classified as trauma.

In addition, what one person finds traumatic is not necessarily traumatic to another person.

What is recognised as trauma

People readily accept serious accidents, death, physical abuse, sexual abuse or violence as major trauma. But what of the less obvious and well known sources of trauma.

Some less obvious sources of trauma are neglect, the divorce of your parents, bullying, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, minimising, denying and blaming, economic abuse, abuse of power, using coercion and threats, intimidation, isolation by others.

Identifying trauma in your past

How do you know if you have been exposed to trauma in the past, especially in your childhood years?

You may have memories of what you recognise as trauma. You may have memories of what you come to understand is trauma. Not all trauma is remembered, sometimes it is hidden away because the child you were when you suffered that trauma could not process the trauma and needed to forget it in order to survive. Sometimes the memory causes you great difficulties but only surfaces as you start to heal from the traumas in your life.

15 indicators of past trauma

Some indicators that you may be trying to survive with unhealed past trauma are:

Being very anxious or afraid for you safety or that of people who you care about.
Worry that bad things will happen. This can be a general worry about something bad happening.
Loss of focus or concentration.
Your academic performance being affected.
Noticing you are irritable with friends, family, people you work with, people generally.
Experiencing outbursts of anger and even aggression.
Withdrawal from other people or activities.
Avoiding school if you are still of school age.
Increasing physical problems such as headaches, stomach pain or chest pain.
Constantly thinking about or talking about an event from the past or worrying about the details of what has happened.
Reaction to noise, physical contact, loud unexpected noises, sirens, lighting, sudden movement is an under or over reaction.
Recurring nightmares/ disturbing and intrusive memories during the day.
Problems with sleep
Avoidance of places that remind you of difficult events in the past, or just avoiding places for no known reason.
Emotional numbness.

A Reflective Exercise To Explore Your Answers

Have you answered yes to any of these questions? Here is an exercise it would be helpful to complete. You can write in a journal, or even type on your computer, or record on your phone.

• Has any difficult or traumatic memory come to mind with these questions? Or failing that, what is the thought you are having around those questions you answered yes to?
Write a summary of the memory or the thoughts you are having.

• Have any of these memories affected your life? For example, are you having nightmares, experiencing sadness or anxiety?
Write down your answer to this question.

• When these memories or thoughts arise, what feelings are you noticing you are experiencing? They may include sadness, fear, guilt, shame, anger, worry, hurt, rejection, to name just a few.
Write down your answer to this question.

• When the unpleasant feelings arise what do you do to push them away and avoid them? Do you lash out at others, or eat food/drink alcohol/take drugs? Do you binge watch movies/TV series? Do you numb out on social media? Do you exercise? Or anything else to push them away.
Write down your answer to this question.

• When these memories or thoughts arise are you afraid that if you talk about them you will cry, or you will go crazy, or you will want to kill someone, or smash something?
Write down your answer to this question.

Exploring What You Have Answered

Read back over your answers. What do they tell you about how you are coping with difficult memories or thoughts? Are you surprised by what you discovered when you answered the questions and journalled?

If you answered yes to the original questions then you have unresolved trauma that is impacting you now.

Looking at your journal prompts you can see how you are being impacted.

Starting The Process of Healing

It can be helpful to talk to a trauma trained counsellor about the difficulties you are experiencing. It might not seem it, but allowing yourself to heal from the past will transform your present and your future.

Never forget that you are amazing to be here, now, having survived a difficult past. Healing is something you are capable of doing with help.

Can I Help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your trauma, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The Impossible Dream: Wanting The Pain To Go Away But Knowing It Never Will

I often have people come to see me because they want to stop grieving. Maybe you are feeling this way too?

You want to stop crying and needing to excuse yourself when ceremonies unleash sadness.

You want to feel okay in the new home you raced to buy after fleeing the old home and all its reminders. And you thought that if you had strangers come and stay here you would feel less alone. But the presence of strangers only makes it worse.

You want to feel okay that your loved one is missing out on the first grandchild, or their sister’s wedding, or graduating with their friends, or enjoying retirement.

You want to stop feeling guilty that you are still alive and the person you love is not.

You want to run and run and run until you can’t feel that grief anymore.

But you stop and realise grief is still there.

You stop and realise the guilt at being alive is still there.

You stop and realise life is continuing and your loved one is missing out. Will always miss out.

You stop and realise removing the physical reminders of your loved one doesn’t remove the emotional reminders.

And that realisation is so hard.

Seeking to remove the pain

So you come to see me to remove that pain.

But no one can remove it.

It hurts. It hurts so much.

It is painful, searing, heart rending.

You can think the day is going well and then, just as the wind changes, suddenly you are experiencing the raw bleakness of grief.

You can realise you haven’t thought about the one you love while absorbed in doing something. And it hurts.

You want to forget but you don’t want to forget.

You want people to stop asking you about your loved one, but you don’t want them to stop asking.

You don’t want people to acknowledge your grief, but you do want them to.

You are a leaf blown around by the wind. In free fall. You have no control over where your emotions go.

Looking for the calm place

Sometimes it is nice to talk to someone more objective. Someone who didn’t know your loved one. Someone who has no investment in the life of your loved one. Someone who isn’t grieving too. Someone who will just listen. Who understands your pain and reassures you that you are not mad or defective for still feeling that pain. Someone who can help you navigate this barren, tortured terrain.

This is when a grief counsellor can help. There is no magic wand. The grief is still there and will always be there. But you will find a listening ear, a safe place to share and support to find your way to continue living.

I can help

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

The Myth of Passive Aggressive Behaviour

There is a lot of misinformation about behaviour and its causes in the general community.

This leads to many terrible things being done to people who should be given understanding.

One popular thing to accuse people of is being Passive Aggressive. The label is freely applied to people but there is extremely limited understanding of what passive aggressive behaviour actually is.

The source of the myth

This myth is not helped by the fact that there used to be a “personality disorder” listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). This “disorder” labelled Passive Aggressive was dropped 20 years ago.

Despite this no longer being accepted as a disorder, the community persists in applying this label to people. People who exhibit this behaviour have had trauma in their pasts and need understanding, not misguided judgement.

What behaviour you may see in someone labelled as Passive Aggressive

• Often a perfectionist with very high standards of their own behaviour.

• Difficulty identifying what they want.

• Difficulty asking for help.

• Difficulty setting boundaries and saying no.

• Low Self Esteem.

• Sensitive to criticism.

• People pleaser who seeks to accommodate other people’s wants.

• Hates to disappoint people and can become very distressed when think they will.

• Frightened of taking initiative in relationships.

• Finds it hard to say no so will instead say yes but try to communicate no by hints or cancelling at last minute, often in great distress.

• Withdraws when someone is angry with them.

• Doesn’t make feelings, needs and wants known to others.

• Saying no leads to feelings of guilt and great anxiety that have upset other person and that they will be rejected for that.

• Expresses feelings through behaviour rather than words.

• Seek to avoid conflict at all costs.

• Taken advantage of by others.

• Feels like a victim.

• Often unaware of feelings. Can be angry and not aware of it.

• May resort to more subtle behaviours to communicate message such as being sarcastic or even fantasising about getting revenge.

• Often feels resentful.

• Can’t understand why others can’t see their needs. Desperately wants other to see them because it is not safe to express them.

• May sub consciously adopt “unhappy” behaviour as non verbal communication.

• Procrastination, inefficiency, stubborness and sullenness are some behaviours that may be used.

Dispelling the myth: what passive aggressive behaviour is actually about

When a child is unable to express their needs safely they will adopt other ways to communicate their needs. This is not a deliberate thing. It comes about because their brain seeks ways to communicate that are safe.

One way to do this is through non verbal communication.

So you may see “unhappy” behaviour, sullenness, procrastination as behaviours that communicate unhappiness. These are not adopted deliberately.

When it is not safe to express needs openly, then passive aggressive behaviours become a safer way to express those needs. That is why you will notice people dropping hints, or being reluctant to do what you ask, or looking sullen.

Have you been accused of passive aggressive behaviour?

When you have learned it is not safe to express your needs you will frequently feel you do not have the right to have needs. This is why you will struggle to set boundaries and say no.

You will also notice you seek to avoid conflict. But underneath you may feel great distress at the way things are happening.

Internally, you may find it hard to even acknowledge what you are feeling. You may feel you are judged by others for the way you feel. In fact, you are judged because of ignorance about your behaviour.

The pressure cooker of denied needs

You may have learned as a child to push down your feelings. In adulthood you continue to do this. Over time this pushing down creates a pressure cooker situation where your feelings will explode and you may express them in a number of ways. For example by being angry, or bursting into tears, or running away.

How to be less passive aggressive

Ultimately you need to be honest with youself about your feelings and learn to express them more assertively. It is important to be aware that not everyone will accept you being more assertive. When that happens the other person is acting out their own insecurities. This doesn’t make you wrong. But it will feel uncomfortable.

Be honest about your feelings.

Learn to express yourself. This will help prevent misunderstandings, hurt feelings and resentment.

Do you need help?

It is not easy to learn to feel safe expressing your needs. Healing the past and learning to let go of the protective behaviours that kept you safe, but no longer serve you, is hard.

It is particularly hard to do on your own.

This is where counselling can help.

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you to learn how to effectively meet your needs please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

5 things to do to help work through your grief

Frequently people come to see me because they are concerned they are not “over their grief” fast enough.

There hasn’t been a lot of research around what people believe is the time span of grief. In Britain researchers discovered that 30% of British people believed grief should last 6 months. Most people considered 2 years was as long as grief should be. And 30% of younger people believed it was possible to ‘get over’ grief. Men were three times more likely to believe grief should be brief and was something you could get over.

Research in America found that the majority of those interviewed believed grief should be over in 2 weeks!

If that is the attitude of British and American people, I imagine if Australians were to be surveyed they would come up with similar unrealistic ideas around how long grief lasts.

Unrealistic expectations make grieving harder

The difficulty with such unrealistic ideas is that if you are grieving, people can stop making allowances for your grief and instead express the attitude that you should be over your grief by now. This is very isolating.

When you are grieving, the last thing you need is to be pressured to stop grieving by others.

Grief is universal

It mightn’t seem so, but everyone is going to experience grief at some stage in their lives.

Some people are so expert at shutting down their feelings they can convince themselves, and others, that they are “over it”. But there are often signs that the grief is still there.

Poor health, high stress levels, depression, addictions, unstable emotional reactions, avoidance of memories of their loss and isolating themselves are some of the signs that grief is still there.

One thing that research shows is that allowing yourself to feel those hard feelings is the best way to move through the worst of the painful times.

Grief is …

Grief can be confusing. It can be overwhelming. It can be depressing. It can cause you to be unable to sleep, or to sleep too much. It can cause you to lose appetite or to want to eat too much. It can be cause you to lose your sense of self. It can be so many things you never expected.

One thing about grief is that you will be a different person after your experience with each grief event in your life.

How do you work through your grief?

5 things to do to help work through your grief

Rituals

There are many rituals around death that are really helpful when dealing with loss. Other types of loss don’t tend to have rituals around them so you may have to devise your own. Rituals add meaning to the experience of loss. They help you to focus, acknowledge and process your grief. There are many cultures that have formal mourning periods. These are usually from one to three years.

Talk.

It is really helpful to talk to someone about how you are feeling. Some people find no shortage of family and friends willing to listen and sit with them. For other people it is much harder. This is where a counsellor can help. A grief trained counsellor will be able to offer you a safe space where you can just be with your grief. No judgement. No problem solving. Just the space to express whatever you need to express.

Talking is really helpful to allow you to express what you are feeling, no matter how inane you think it is. Grief impacts every aspect of your life as you adjust everything you do to a life without the person you have lost.

Journal

Journalling is another great way to express what you are feeling. For many people, the act of writing their thoughts down is really helpful. It allows them to put the cacophony of thoughts they are feeling into some sort of order that makes sense.

Often, seeing the words on the page can reveal things you weren’t aware you were feeling.

Writing down your thoughts can be a wonderful way to express to the one you have lost things you wanted to say to them.

Journalling can be a useful adjunct to counselling sessions as a counsellor can help you process things your writing has revealed.

Reflect

Grief shatters your sense of self. This is very challenging when you are trying to move forward and you are feeling a great sense of loss.

Reflecting on what you have said or written can be extremely helpful. Such reflection can reveal the answers to things that have puzzled you. It can help you to understand things that have happened and make sense of your pain.

It can also be helpful for you to identify the many strengths you have. Strengths that you may have forgotten you have due to the trauma of loss.

Release

Cry, scream, shout, throw pillows, walk into the bush and scream into the trees, stand at the edge of the waves and yell your hurts, fears, frustrations, anger and terrible devastation. Howl and moan until you feel there is nothing left.

Tear up what you have written. Burn it, throw it away.

All these and more are ways you can release the emotions you are feeling.

And finally:

Researchers have found that the intense feelings of grief peak at about four to six months after the loss and then gradually decline over a number of years.
When others tell you that “you should be over it by now”, remember that many cultures have formal mourning periods that last years. After a few years the pain may ease and you will become used to it and able to function in life. But it will never end. It will just get easier to live with.

Can I help?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with your grief, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

How Conversation and Journalling Prompts can improve your Communication, Creativity and Self-Awareness as well as Boosting your Mental Health and Well-Being

Soon I will be resuming my live talks in my Facebook Group Plentiful Life Exploration.

Last year I always used some cards I own during the live talks.

The cards are called Deep Speak (by St Luke’s Resources) and aim to respect the right to a voice of all people.

These cards are designed to encourage people to tell their stories, offer opinions and listen to others when they tell their stories.

They also help you to learn more about yourself. This makes them wonderful as journalling prompts and for self reflection.

Today I am going to write my blog with some prompts for you.

If you would like to share your answers you can do so on my page Plentiful Life Counselling, or join my group Plentiful Life Exploration and comment there.

QUESTION ONE

The first question is an opener – to get the conversation started.

What was your favourite book as a child?

I would love to know what your book was.

Mine was Anne of Green Gables. I loved the way this unwanted girl found someone who wanted her and set about learning to be herself and to be able to achieve what she wanted in life. So inspiring.

How about you?

QUESTION TWO

The next question is one about identity. That is such a difficult thing for many people. Here is a question to help you explore who you are.

Do you have a favourite family story?

I would love to know what your story is.

Mine is that my grandfather, as a young 19 year old, had to leave Scotland to find work. He was supposed to sail to Canada where his older brothers were waiting.
But my Grandfather hated the cold. He got to the port and there was a ship sailing to Australia there as well. So he bought his ticket to Australia and got on the boat. Wow! He really hated the cold.

I have always been in awe of his courage to sail to a country where he knew no one and there would be no one to support him. He made a life for himself and survived very well. Such a wonderful role model.

QUESTION THREE

The next question is about relationships.

Have you ever been let down by a friend?

That is a challenging one. It hurts to be let down by someone. Often when you share your story other people judge it as being unimportant. But of course it is.

I would love to know what your story is.

Mine is that I had planned to take a trip with a friend to a new place I had never been before. We were going to stay a few days. I researched what we could do and where we could stay. I was so excited. Then my friend told me she was going to this place with another friend. I was so upset and felt so rejected by this. I never said anything to her but I felt she must have decided she didn’t want to go with me. In reality I suspect she had forgotten we had made this plan. I sometimes think it would have been better if at the time I had said that I thought we were going to go together and that I was disappointed. Instead I distanced myself from her and our relationship was never as close again.

QUESTION FOUR

The next question is about values. Values are so important. They guide how you see the world and how you relate to others.

How rich do you want to be?

That is seemingly simple. But many people hold values around wealth and the type of people who hold it.

For me, I want to have enough money to live comfortably in retirement. By comfortable I mean being able to pay my bills and have the odd treat. To not have to lie awake at night worrying about money.

QUESTION FIVE

The next question is about emotions. This is a lovely reflective question that allows you to explore who you are and how to regulate your feelings.

How do you control your anger?

I would love he hear how you do that.

Anger is so hard to control. I always try to remember to breathe deeply and slowly so that I can remain in control of my feelings. So often anger involves feeling in danger and needing to defend yourself. When that happens, the rational part of your brain is no longer accessible and it is impossible to control your feelings. Breathing deeply and slowly sends a message to the brain that you are safe. It allows you to be able to think about how you want to respond and allows you to choose a response that is helpful for you and others.

QUESTION SIX

The last question is about beliefs. This is another one that is important for you to understand about yourself and for others to learn about you.

Have you ever had something you’d call a spiritual experience?

I would love to hear from you.

Spiritual experiences cover a large range of things. They can include seeing a wonderful sunset and watching in awe at its beauty. They can include feeling the presence of a loved one who has died.

For me I have experienced both those things.

THE BENEFITS OF EXPLORING QUESTIONS LIKE THESE

Learning to explore and share your story, even if it is only with the pages of a journal, is an important way to learn more about you. It helps you to understand why you feel the way you do about things. It helps you to feel able to share stories of the sad things in life, of the traumatic events, of the hurtful things. It helps you to heal, either by yourself or by seeking support from a counsellor.

Learning more about yourself allows you to be more present to what your body is feelings. This allows you to better understand what you are feeling. This skill is important in living life successfully, being able to regulate your emotions and form relationships with other people that are mutually respectful.

DO YOU NEED HELP?

Sometimes things that happen in life can make it hard to understand what you are feeling. It can also be hard to feel safe with others and be able to set boundaries that allow you to have comfortable relationships with others.

Sometimes you need help to learn these things and to untangle the difficulties of the past. This is where a counsellor can help you.

CAN I HELP?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you with being better able to understand what you are feeling and/or healing from your past hurts, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au

Why Children and Adolescents Need Counselling After Divorce: Understanding the Importance of Emotional Support in the Face of Family Breakdown

Recently, an inquest opened into the death of an adolescent girl who had killed herself after a long battle with anxiety and depression. This tragedy plays itself out throughout the world every day. In his opening statement, the father of the girl spoke to the court because he felt it was important the court understood that his daughter’s mental health issues stemmed from the breakup of her parents when she was 6. He identified the split as being severely traumatising. This breakup of the girl’s parents had such far-reaching consequences, that its impact was still experienced by her 9 years later.

In this blog I will be discussing the effect one of the common losses of children, separation of parents, has on children and adolescents. I will be referring to children and adolescents as children.

THE BOY SHOPLIFTER

Years ago I worked in a variety store on the checkout. One day a boy of about 12 walked out past my customers. I stopped him and asked to check his backpack.

His reaction to this was extraordinary and upsetting. He sat down on the floor, against the wall, and put his bag down. The look on his face was one of utter desolation. Here was a small child who was really frightened but also who felt extremely alone.

That was really upsetting for me.

The boy had packed his bag full of stolen items.

The police were called and the boy was taken away.

THE HISTORY BEHIND HIS BEHAVIOUR

I learned that his parents had recently separated and his father had a new girlfriend. Since the breakup of his parent’s marriage, the boy had been involved in many acts of vandalism and angry behaviour.

To the other staff, this boy was just some troublemaker who no one should feel sorry for. He was obviously just bad.

To me this boy was a child whose life had been turned upside down by destruction of his secure world and he was acting out his feelings.

THE DIFFICULTY FOR PARENTS IN RELATIONSHIP BREAKDOWNS

For adults in the middle of a relationship breakdown, it is an incredibly painful time. There is often little enough energy for each individual to attend to his or her own needs in this terrible loss. There is rarely any energy available for the children of this relationship.

This doesn’t mean the parents are horrible people. They love their children and care deeply about them. But they are struggling to cope with what has happened.

THE FEAR OF MUM AND DAD BREAKING UP

Attending to the needs of the children in this is hard. From a child’s perspective things are very frightening. Security is the most important need of a child. A child needs to know its parents are there to ensure its survival. If the parents are not there, who will ensure the child’s survival?

Parental separation takes a child’s entire understanding of safety and destroys it. For the child caught up in the breakdown of his parent’s marriage, there is no safety. It is hard for parents in this situation to reassure the child. Sadly the child can become the pawn in the breakdown, as each parent seeks to punish the other through access to the child.

CHANGED CONTACT, EVEN NO CONTACT

Sometimes, the parent who leaves will, for a variety of reasons, reduce or completely cut off contact with the child. This is a terribly hurtful for the child. The child does not understand the adult world. What the child understands is that Mum and Dad are not together anymore and that one parent does not want to have anything to do with him anymore.

The child sees a future that is very uncertain.

THE MANY LOSSES A CHILD EXPERIENCES

Often children will talk about having to move away from their home and perhaps give away family pets which they cannot take with them to their new rental home.

Children will talk about never hearing from one parent and not always understanding why.

THE CONFUSION OF ONE PARENT BEING NEGATIVE ABOUT THE OTHER PARENT

Parents can be reckless in the words used to the child and tell the child negative things about the other parent. This is not fair to the child. That other parent is their parent too. The child loves them and identifies with them. Sometimes, what is being criticised in the other parent is something the child does. So where does that leave the child? Does that mean the parent rejects him as well?

SPLIT CUSTODY CAN BE CONFUSING

The Family Law Courts, in the desire to ensure both parents have equal access to children, can cause damage to children. For a child, the security of the family home is replaced by the insecurity of two non-homes. The child spends part of the week in one house, but it never has everything the child owns there. The other part of the week is spent in another house which also never has everything the child owns in it.
The child wakes in the night and has to ask “which house am I in?” “I need to pee, where is the bathroom?”.

NOT FITTING IN ANYWHERE

For a number of children, one of the houses they live in contains a new partner and possibly children who may live there full time.

Can you imagine how difficult it is to fit into a house like that?

The child is there part time, the rest of the people in the house are there full time. How does the child fit in to that? All the love and the will in the world is not going to compensate for that lack of belonging and hence safety.

FEELINGS CAN BE ACTED OUT OR INTERNALISED

As was seen in my story of the 12 year old shoplifter, many children act out their feelings. But others internalise them.

Adults look at the children and, because they seem to be happy, think they have accepted what has happened. That they have ‘gotten over it’. But this is not true. Children suffer because what has happened to them is too great for a child to process without help.

HOW COUNSELLING CAN HELP

Parents involved in the grief of the end of a relationship are not in a position to help the child. This is where counselling and grief and loss programs are really helpful to assist children in this situation to be able to express feelings in a healthy way before the grief and loss feelings develop into long term problems.
The sad story of the adolescent girl could have been prevented if she had been able to access counselling as a 6 year old.

CAN I HELP?

If you would like to talk to me about how I can help you or your children with your relationship breakdown, please contact me on 0409396608 or nan@plentifullifecounselling.com.au